Hammock Parties
10-07-2008, 02:38 PM
Hilarious. I cracked up when Larry was staring through the window.
http://www.arrowheadpride.com/2008/10/5/629009/as-the-chiefs-turn-nsfw-pr
[It is 736 a.m. Wednesday morning and the Chiefs return to practice for the first time since their 34-0 loss to Carolina three days earlier. Carl Peterson is outside the facility in a leather jacket and dark sunglasses, sitting and smoking a cigar while watching the sun continue its daily ascent. This peaceful morning is disturbed by a black Escalade sending deep bass vibrations through the air, shaking the ground. From the Escalade steps Larry Johnson who promptly tips his driver, flashes the Diamond Cutter sign and walks towards Peterson.]
Johnson: Sup, King Carl. [Johnson bends down to one knee to kiss Peterson's ring then rises.]
Peterson: Beautiful morning isn't it?
Johnson: Sumthin' like that. See the game Sunday?
Peterson: No. There was no need.
Johnson: Permission to speak freely, sir.
Peterson: Granted.
Johnson: I still can't believe you're paying me $42 million to rush for two yards on seven carries.
[They each erupt in laughter, engaging in a hybrid handshake-hug.]
Johnson: But, no, really, I can't believe you did that.
Peterson: Well, I owed you for the first three years of production. Besides, we couldn't just sell Tony Gonzalez jerseys. We needed diversity.
Johnson: Damn straight.
Peterson: Anything on your mind?
Johnson: Well, we need to talk about the Plasma TV in my locker. It is starting to – [Tony Gonzalez has arrived to the facility and is walking towards Johnson and Peterson.] I've got to go. Later, King. [Peterson nods.]
Peterson: Tony!
Gonzalez: What the fuck is going on?!?! You said you'd fix this shit.
Peterson: It's a process, Tony, you know that. I thought you'd be happy today after setting the all-time receiving yards by a tight end record. Did you know I drafted you?
Gonzalez: I should have set that record at home, you know that. But that is besides the point. We got our asses handed to us Sunday, what are we going to do about it? We have a bye this week, there's gotta be someone we can trade for or sign to bring in here and start at quarterback for us.
Peterson: Have you forgotten that Brodie returns this week?
Gonzalez: That kid sucks! He get's hurt in every other game he starts. What are you –
Peterson: Tony, Tony, Tony. You're starting to sound like those media guys, that's not the Tony I remember. Now you and I both know that Brodie is the next Brett Favre. Everyone in my front office says so. Clark Hunt agreed with me when he called me last week from Fiji. We all know our bright future rests in his hands starting in about four or five years.
Gonzalez: But I'm not going to be around in four or five years, Carl.
Peterson: How do you know? I'll keep you around. There is no age limit to when it comes to resigning players. Think of the guys I have signed: Ty Law, Patrick Surtain, Damian MacIntosh, Adrian Jones, Sammie Knight, Trent Green, Eddie Kennison, Jerome Woods and so on and so forth. You know I will resign you for as long as I possibly can. If we didn't, we wouldn't have anyone's jersey to sell, would we?
Gonzalez: I don't know, Carl. You said we would be Super Bowl contenders by now. I've played in two playoff games in my entire career, I want to win something someday.
Peterson: Hey, Tony, winning? It's overrated. Look how long I've had my job and I haven't won anything. Look at all the money I'm making, the friends I have. Remember when I had lunch with President Bush last year? How many other teams who didn't win the Super Bowl are having President Bush come and have dinner with them? No one. Look, you still have a lot to learn, Tony. Look at what Larry is doing right now. He's hanging with Jay-Z, making rap albums, bashing the media, you know there is a lot you can learn from him. Heck, his contract is worth more than yours.
Gonzalez: …
Peterson: Go get ready for practice and think about what I just told you.
[Meanwhile, while Herm Edwards is in his office reviewing the week's game plan, Jamal Charles walks in.]
Charles: Coach?
Edwards: Huh? Hey! Hey, come on in JC, what's goin' on?
Charles: Hey, um, I know I'm a rookie and everything and I don't want to be out of line when I say this, but –
Edwards: Now, now, Jamal, think about what you're going to say before you say it. Think really hard.
Charles: Yeah, well, I have thought about it really hard and I think I should be getting more touches early in the game. I feel like I can help us win games if I got the ball earlier. I'm not sayin' Larry shouldn't be starting or anything, but I'm just sayin' that I can help the team if I got the ball a little more earlier in the game.
Edwards: Jamal, come now. You and I both know we can't do that. Larry is the heart and soul of this team.
Charles: Yeah, about that… um… nobody likes him so much. Actually, I don't think I've ever talked to him before. He just kinda stares at me when I say "Hi" and then walks off.
Edwards: Psh, Larry wouldn't do that. I know Larry and Larry isn't like that. You're just getting a little rookie hazing, that's all.
Charles: Well, that's what I thought at first. But then, the other day, I was going through my locker and there was a knife with a note taped to it and it said, "Don't fuckin' think about taking my job away, Love LJ" and he was just there staring at me.
Edwards: Nah, I know Larry and he definitely would have used a Gat if he wanted you taken out. At least that's what he did with me a couple of weeks ago… But, yeah, he's not like that. I think you're just being messed with a little – and it's okay. It's okay to be messed with a little. It makes you a better player. Look what it's done for Pat Thomas and Rudy Niswanger.
Charles: Well, right… [Charles squirms in his chair and trys to avoid direct eye contact with Larry Johnson who is now peering at him through the window of Edwards' office.]
Anyway, I just wanted to see if I could get a few more touches, that's all.
Edwards: Now, Jamal, you've got a lot to learn. Being a coach in this league, being a guy who has to put stuff together, game plans, its not that easy. You see other teams, teams like who we'll be facin', they'll be thinkin', "Wow, we need to prepare for this Charles kid, he's pretty good." And you know what happens when other teams start thinking about you? [Charles shakes his head.] They stop thinking about Larry. And when they stop thinking about Larry then that means we have a chance to win some football games. And we play to win the game, right? That's what we play for, to win the game.
But, there is something I want to show you, a new package for next week. [Charles sits up a little straighter, continuing to avoid the eye contact of Johnson.] This, this right here, this is what is going to turn our season around. It's the wishbone and you're going to be a part of it.
Charles: Oh, so, you're going to have me and LJ in the backfield at the same time then, that's cool.
Edwards: Oh no, no, no, no, no. [Edwards lets out a hardy laugh.] Rookies… No, we want you to play right tackle. I saw that block you threw on that one pass play a few weeks ago –
Charles: The one where Brodie ended up getting hurt?
Edwards: Yeah, that one. That was a great block. Anyway, we want you to play left tackle –
Charles: You mean right tackle?
Edwards: Don't interrupt me son. As I was sayin', you're going to play right tackle, but what we are going to do is we are going to line you up so that you'd be considered an eligible receiver.
Charles: So, I'm really playing tight end then?
Edwards: Yeah, right, point guard. So, what we are going to do is have LJ and Will Smith in the backfield and –
Charles: Will?
Edwards: Yeah, he's our primary back in this set. We're trying to mix things up a little here, Jamal.
Charles: You know, we ran this one play at Texas where we had a two-tight end set in the I-formation and we just gave the ball to me and I just ran it up the middle. That normally worked pretty well.
Edwards: [Edwards gives him a confused look.] So, you'll be the third baseman and LJ and Smith will be in the backfield. But here's the kicker now, the thing that no one is going to expect: Derrick Johnson will be the quarterback. Huh! What do ya think of that?! Genius!
Charles: [Charles looks at Edwards blankly.] Who do I talk to about being traded?
[On the other end of the complex, Bernard Pollard and Jarred Page are working on tackling drills with Gunther Cunningham.]
Cunningham: No, no! Fucking ass fuckers, you use your balls not you brain when you fuckin' tackle somebody! Do it right you goddamn mother fuckers or I'll fuck your skulls until they fucking bleed football jiz!
Page and Pollard: What?
Cunningham: Brainless turd whipes.
Page: You know, I wouldn't be that bad at tackling if some of your linebackers would do the job for me before backs ever get to the secondary. I mean DeAngelo Williams is about six-times my size. How the hell am I supposed tackle that guy on every other play?
Cunningham: With your balls, bitch, with your balls! Now fucking hit that mother fuckin' dummy you motherless son of a bitch!
[Page runs through the tackling dummy using proper technique. Pollard follows by trying to tackle the dummy with just his legs. He fails.]
Cunningham: What the fuck are you doing, Pollard?!
Pollard: Using my balls.
Cunningham: Now THAT'S how you fuck over a fucking tackling dummy mother fuckers! Hey, Williams, Thomas, Johnson, Practice Squad Guy, get over here! [All the linebackers, even the unnamed ones start jogging towards Cunningham.]
No, no, Harris you fucking go back to fucking yourself. You fucking suck. Just the good linebackers, here, now! [All the linebackers except Harris now surround Cunningham. Cunningham takes a deep breath and begins to calmly speak to his troops.]
I coached Derrick fucking Thomas. I coached Neil fucking Smith. I am responsible for Dale Carter's addiction to crack. But none of them, and I mean none of them, had the balls of steel Bernard fucking Pollard has.
[Everyone looks to Pollard in shock. Pollard stares back at his teammates in kind.] Now, Pollard, show them how a man tackles a fucking football player. [Pollard proceeds to tackle the tackling dummy with his legs. Quiet snickers from those who bothered to pay attention ensue.] That's… [Cunningham begins to tear up.] That's how you fuck up a dummy. Learn from that men, learn from that.
[A few hours later Kevin Keitzman begins his segment with Jack Harry.]
Harry: The Chiefs suck. Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck ticket prices suck suck suck suck Carl Peterson suck suck suck suck quarterback suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck the draft suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck sucks Herm Edwards suck suck suck suck suck suck suck 2 yards rushing suck suck suck suck suck suck $42 million suck suck suck suck salary cap suck suck suck suck suck no Super Bowl appearances suck suck suck suck suck suck 20 years suck suck suck suck suck suck I'm an old grumpy man suck suck suck suck suck suck Clark Hunt.
Keitzman: I couldn't agree more. I just… wow… Do you want to make love later?
Harry: Yes, I'd like that, Kevin.
Danny Klinksdale: Can I join in? Make it a threesome?
Harry and Keitzman: No.
[Soren Petro turns on a mike and begins talking.]
Petro: Sorry to break in on the love fest, but I think some people are missing the point. Yes, Peterson and Edwards share a lot of the blame for the turd they laid Sunday, but think about this for a minute. The Chiefs are going to be about $45 million under the salary cap this offseason and have a bunch of high draft picks. If the Chiefs go out there and have another draft like they did last offseason in April, find a quarterback and allow the natural progression of some of their younger players, the Chiefs have a shot at having a decent season in 2009.
Keitzman: But did you see Sunday's game? Carl Peterson has been here for 20 years and I hate him.
Petro: I understand and I don't always agree with what Peterson and Edwards do on a week to week basis, but the point is that the Chiefs have a chance this offseason to go out and draft a quarterback, sign some good free agents and have a solid roster for next season.
Keitzman: No playoff wins in 15 years!
Petro: [Brief silence.] I understand, but you have to look at the bigger picture here. Herb Taylor played a hell of a game against a perennial All-Pro D-end in Julius Peppers, whose name was only called once and that was because Damon Huard didn't have the ability to take one freaking step up in the pocket and deliver the ball because he sucks. Taylor and Albert look like they can anchor the ends for a long time in Kansas City. If the Chiefs can just go out there and find themselves a center and guard, maybe Richardson can be that guard, draft a quarterback then the Chiefs could be a decent team next season and be well on their way to a playoff-type roster.
Harry: But Carl Peterson.
Keitzman: Yeah, Carl Peterson. I hate that guy.
Petro: [Extended silence.] But the Chiefs can easily go out there and fill some major holes this offseason. There are a ton of guys out there who can fit into what the Chiefs are trying to do. And it looks like the draft is shaping up in a way that favors what the Chiefs need.
Keitzman: Carl. Peterson. Parking. Prices. 20. Years.
Petro: [A more extended silence.] Fine. The Chiefs suck. Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck ticket prices suck suck suck suck Carl Peterson suck suck suck suck quarterback suck suck suck suck…
Keitzman: Ah! [Harry and Keitzman let out a hardy chuckle.] I knew you would see the light buddy.
Petro: …
Keitzman: Thanks for coming on, man.
Petro: Right, anytime.
Keitzman: Ah, Petro is a good guy. So, Jack, about the love making thing...
http://www.arrowheadpride.com/2008/10/5/629009/as-the-chiefs-turn-nsfw-pr
[It is 736 a.m. Wednesday morning and the Chiefs return to practice for the first time since their 34-0 loss to Carolina three days earlier. Carl Peterson is outside the facility in a leather jacket and dark sunglasses, sitting and smoking a cigar while watching the sun continue its daily ascent. This peaceful morning is disturbed by a black Escalade sending deep bass vibrations through the air, shaking the ground. From the Escalade steps Larry Johnson who promptly tips his driver, flashes the Diamond Cutter sign and walks towards Peterson.]
Johnson: Sup, King Carl. [Johnson bends down to one knee to kiss Peterson's ring then rises.]
Peterson: Beautiful morning isn't it?
Johnson: Sumthin' like that. See the game Sunday?
Peterson: No. There was no need.
Johnson: Permission to speak freely, sir.
Peterson: Granted.
Johnson: I still can't believe you're paying me $42 million to rush for two yards on seven carries.
[They each erupt in laughter, engaging in a hybrid handshake-hug.]
Johnson: But, no, really, I can't believe you did that.
Peterson: Well, I owed you for the first three years of production. Besides, we couldn't just sell Tony Gonzalez jerseys. We needed diversity.
Johnson: Damn straight.
Peterson: Anything on your mind?
Johnson: Well, we need to talk about the Plasma TV in my locker. It is starting to – [Tony Gonzalez has arrived to the facility and is walking towards Johnson and Peterson.] I've got to go. Later, King. [Peterson nods.]
Peterson: Tony!
Gonzalez: What the fuck is going on?!?! You said you'd fix this shit.
Peterson: It's a process, Tony, you know that. I thought you'd be happy today after setting the all-time receiving yards by a tight end record. Did you know I drafted you?
Gonzalez: I should have set that record at home, you know that. But that is besides the point. We got our asses handed to us Sunday, what are we going to do about it? We have a bye this week, there's gotta be someone we can trade for or sign to bring in here and start at quarterback for us.
Peterson: Have you forgotten that Brodie returns this week?
Gonzalez: That kid sucks! He get's hurt in every other game he starts. What are you –
Peterson: Tony, Tony, Tony. You're starting to sound like those media guys, that's not the Tony I remember. Now you and I both know that Brodie is the next Brett Favre. Everyone in my front office says so. Clark Hunt agreed with me when he called me last week from Fiji. We all know our bright future rests in his hands starting in about four or five years.
Gonzalez: But I'm not going to be around in four or five years, Carl.
Peterson: How do you know? I'll keep you around. There is no age limit to when it comes to resigning players. Think of the guys I have signed: Ty Law, Patrick Surtain, Damian MacIntosh, Adrian Jones, Sammie Knight, Trent Green, Eddie Kennison, Jerome Woods and so on and so forth. You know I will resign you for as long as I possibly can. If we didn't, we wouldn't have anyone's jersey to sell, would we?
Gonzalez: I don't know, Carl. You said we would be Super Bowl contenders by now. I've played in two playoff games in my entire career, I want to win something someday.
Peterson: Hey, Tony, winning? It's overrated. Look how long I've had my job and I haven't won anything. Look at all the money I'm making, the friends I have. Remember when I had lunch with President Bush last year? How many other teams who didn't win the Super Bowl are having President Bush come and have dinner with them? No one. Look, you still have a lot to learn, Tony. Look at what Larry is doing right now. He's hanging with Jay-Z, making rap albums, bashing the media, you know there is a lot you can learn from him. Heck, his contract is worth more than yours.
Gonzalez: …
Peterson: Go get ready for practice and think about what I just told you.
[Meanwhile, while Herm Edwards is in his office reviewing the week's game plan, Jamal Charles walks in.]
Charles: Coach?
Edwards: Huh? Hey! Hey, come on in JC, what's goin' on?
Charles: Hey, um, I know I'm a rookie and everything and I don't want to be out of line when I say this, but –
Edwards: Now, now, Jamal, think about what you're going to say before you say it. Think really hard.
Charles: Yeah, well, I have thought about it really hard and I think I should be getting more touches early in the game. I feel like I can help us win games if I got the ball earlier. I'm not sayin' Larry shouldn't be starting or anything, but I'm just sayin' that I can help the team if I got the ball a little more earlier in the game.
Edwards: Jamal, come now. You and I both know we can't do that. Larry is the heart and soul of this team.
Charles: Yeah, about that… um… nobody likes him so much. Actually, I don't think I've ever talked to him before. He just kinda stares at me when I say "Hi" and then walks off.
Edwards: Psh, Larry wouldn't do that. I know Larry and Larry isn't like that. You're just getting a little rookie hazing, that's all.
Charles: Well, that's what I thought at first. But then, the other day, I was going through my locker and there was a knife with a note taped to it and it said, "Don't fuckin' think about taking my job away, Love LJ" and he was just there staring at me.
Edwards: Nah, I know Larry and he definitely would have used a Gat if he wanted you taken out. At least that's what he did with me a couple of weeks ago… But, yeah, he's not like that. I think you're just being messed with a little – and it's okay. It's okay to be messed with a little. It makes you a better player. Look what it's done for Pat Thomas and Rudy Niswanger.
Charles: Well, right… [Charles squirms in his chair and trys to avoid direct eye contact with Larry Johnson who is now peering at him through the window of Edwards' office.]
Anyway, I just wanted to see if I could get a few more touches, that's all.
Edwards: Now, Jamal, you've got a lot to learn. Being a coach in this league, being a guy who has to put stuff together, game plans, its not that easy. You see other teams, teams like who we'll be facin', they'll be thinkin', "Wow, we need to prepare for this Charles kid, he's pretty good." And you know what happens when other teams start thinking about you? [Charles shakes his head.] They stop thinking about Larry. And when they stop thinking about Larry then that means we have a chance to win some football games. And we play to win the game, right? That's what we play for, to win the game.
But, there is something I want to show you, a new package for next week. [Charles sits up a little straighter, continuing to avoid the eye contact of Johnson.] This, this right here, this is what is going to turn our season around. It's the wishbone and you're going to be a part of it.
Charles: Oh, so, you're going to have me and LJ in the backfield at the same time then, that's cool.
Edwards: Oh no, no, no, no, no. [Edwards lets out a hardy laugh.] Rookies… No, we want you to play right tackle. I saw that block you threw on that one pass play a few weeks ago –
Charles: The one where Brodie ended up getting hurt?
Edwards: Yeah, that one. That was a great block. Anyway, we want you to play left tackle –
Charles: You mean right tackle?
Edwards: Don't interrupt me son. As I was sayin', you're going to play right tackle, but what we are going to do is we are going to line you up so that you'd be considered an eligible receiver.
Charles: So, I'm really playing tight end then?
Edwards: Yeah, right, point guard. So, what we are going to do is have LJ and Will Smith in the backfield and –
Charles: Will?
Edwards: Yeah, he's our primary back in this set. We're trying to mix things up a little here, Jamal.
Charles: You know, we ran this one play at Texas where we had a two-tight end set in the I-formation and we just gave the ball to me and I just ran it up the middle. That normally worked pretty well.
Edwards: [Edwards gives him a confused look.] So, you'll be the third baseman and LJ and Smith will be in the backfield. But here's the kicker now, the thing that no one is going to expect: Derrick Johnson will be the quarterback. Huh! What do ya think of that?! Genius!
Charles: [Charles looks at Edwards blankly.] Who do I talk to about being traded?
[On the other end of the complex, Bernard Pollard and Jarred Page are working on tackling drills with Gunther Cunningham.]
Cunningham: No, no! Fucking ass fuckers, you use your balls not you brain when you fuckin' tackle somebody! Do it right you goddamn mother fuckers or I'll fuck your skulls until they fucking bleed football jiz!
Page and Pollard: What?
Cunningham: Brainless turd whipes.
Page: You know, I wouldn't be that bad at tackling if some of your linebackers would do the job for me before backs ever get to the secondary. I mean DeAngelo Williams is about six-times my size. How the hell am I supposed tackle that guy on every other play?
Cunningham: With your balls, bitch, with your balls! Now fucking hit that mother fuckin' dummy you motherless son of a bitch!
[Page runs through the tackling dummy using proper technique. Pollard follows by trying to tackle the dummy with just his legs. He fails.]
Cunningham: What the fuck are you doing, Pollard?!
Pollard: Using my balls.
Cunningham: Now THAT'S how you fuck over a fucking tackling dummy mother fuckers! Hey, Williams, Thomas, Johnson, Practice Squad Guy, get over here! [All the linebackers, even the unnamed ones start jogging towards Cunningham.]
No, no, Harris you fucking go back to fucking yourself. You fucking suck. Just the good linebackers, here, now! [All the linebackers except Harris now surround Cunningham. Cunningham takes a deep breath and begins to calmly speak to his troops.]
I coached Derrick fucking Thomas. I coached Neil fucking Smith. I am responsible for Dale Carter's addiction to crack. But none of them, and I mean none of them, had the balls of steel Bernard fucking Pollard has.
[Everyone looks to Pollard in shock. Pollard stares back at his teammates in kind.] Now, Pollard, show them how a man tackles a fucking football player. [Pollard proceeds to tackle the tackling dummy with his legs. Quiet snickers from those who bothered to pay attention ensue.] That's… [Cunningham begins to tear up.] That's how you fuck up a dummy. Learn from that men, learn from that.
[A few hours later Kevin Keitzman begins his segment with Jack Harry.]
Harry: The Chiefs suck. Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck ticket prices suck suck suck suck Carl Peterson suck suck suck suck quarterback suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck the draft suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck sucks Herm Edwards suck suck suck suck suck suck suck 2 yards rushing suck suck suck suck suck suck $42 million suck suck suck suck salary cap suck suck suck suck suck no Super Bowl appearances suck suck suck suck suck suck 20 years suck suck suck suck suck suck I'm an old grumpy man suck suck suck suck suck suck Clark Hunt.
Keitzman: I couldn't agree more. I just… wow… Do you want to make love later?
Harry: Yes, I'd like that, Kevin.
Danny Klinksdale: Can I join in? Make it a threesome?
Harry and Keitzman: No.
[Soren Petro turns on a mike and begins talking.]
Petro: Sorry to break in on the love fest, but I think some people are missing the point. Yes, Peterson and Edwards share a lot of the blame for the turd they laid Sunday, but think about this for a minute. The Chiefs are going to be about $45 million under the salary cap this offseason and have a bunch of high draft picks. If the Chiefs go out there and have another draft like they did last offseason in April, find a quarterback and allow the natural progression of some of their younger players, the Chiefs have a shot at having a decent season in 2009.
Keitzman: But did you see Sunday's game? Carl Peterson has been here for 20 years and I hate him.
Petro: I understand and I don't always agree with what Peterson and Edwards do on a week to week basis, but the point is that the Chiefs have a chance this offseason to go out and draft a quarterback, sign some good free agents and have a solid roster for next season.
Keitzman: No playoff wins in 15 years!
Petro: [Brief silence.] I understand, but you have to look at the bigger picture here. Herb Taylor played a hell of a game against a perennial All-Pro D-end in Julius Peppers, whose name was only called once and that was because Damon Huard didn't have the ability to take one freaking step up in the pocket and deliver the ball because he sucks. Taylor and Albert look like they can anchor the ends for a long time in Kansas City. If the Chiefs can just go out there and find themselves a center and guard, maybe Richardson can be that guard, draft a quarterback then the Chiefs could be a decent team next season and be well on their way to a playoff-type roster.
Harry: But Carl Peterson.
Keitzman: Yeah, Carl Peterson. I hate that guy.
Petro: [Extended silence.] But the Chiefs can easily go out there and fill some major holes this offseason. There are a ton of guys out there who can fit into what the Chiefs are trying to do. And it looks like the draft is shaping up in a way that favors what the Chiefs need.
Keitzman: Carl. Peterson. Parking. Prices. 20. Years.
Petro: [A more extended silence.] Fine. The Chiefs suck. Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck ticket prices suck suck suck suck Carl Peterson suck suck suck suck quarterback suck suck suck suck…
Keitzman: Ah! [Harry and Keitzman let out a hardy chuckle.] I knew you would see the light buddy.
Petro: …
Keitzman: Thanks for coming on, man.
Petro: Right, anytime.
Keitzman: Ah, Petro is a good guy. So, Jack, about the love making thing...