View Full Version : Life The infamous Gaz
beach tribe
10-18-2008, 03:49 AM
I have been around this place long enough, in one way or the other, to vaguely remember his av.
Could someone please tell those of us who were never fortunate to know him, who he is, and how he gained such fame.
SPchief
10-18-2008, 04:08 AM
I have been around this place long enough, in one way or the other, to vaguely remember his av.
Could someone please tell those of us who were never fortunate to know him, who he is, and how he gained such fame.
n00b
ChiefJustice
10-18-2008, 04:08 AM
He is a GOD!
He pissed lightning and crapped thunder.
That's all you need to know.
beach tribe
10-18-2008, 04:17 AM
n00b
Yeah, that's kind of the point. There are a lot of nOObs around here, who might actually think the Gaz option is humorous if we actually knew something about him.
Very intelligent, and insightful post by the way. Hopefully when I shed my nOObness, I will be a contributor to inquisitive threads such as yourself.
beach tribe
10-18-2008, 04:18 AM
.
That's all you need to know.
I disagree, but we're getting somewhere.
ChiefJustice
10-18-2008, 04:46 AM
Ask yourself why there is a Gaz option on Polls around the Planet.
Therein you will find your answer.
Seriously,his fame rests in the Planet deciding what movie his wife and he should
see over the weekend via polling.
beach tribe
10-18-2008, 04:51 AM
Ask yourself why there is a Gaz option on Polls around the Planet.
Therein you will find your answer.
Seriously,his fame rests in the Planet deciding what movie his wife and he should
see over the weekend via polling.
Gotcha. Thanks, but is that all? There seems to be more to it than that.
Was it really just the POLL deciding what tie to wear?
ChiefJustice
10-18-2008, 05:00 AM
It's a shame that the archive is no longer available.
Those Friday threads were quite funny.
I may be wrong,but,I think he was an original member from the KC star board that moved here in 2000(before my time).
Phil might be able to give you more of a back-story.
Bugeater
10-18-2008, 05:40 AM
Yeah, that's kind of the point. There are a lot of nOObs around here, who might actually think the Gaz option is humorous if we actually knew something about him.
Very intelligent, and insightful post by the way. Hopefully when I shed my nOObness, I will be a contributor to inquisitive threads such as yourself.
The Gaz option came to be what it is today because in the past whenever Gaz started a poll he'd put "bite me" or something similar as one of the options.
Example:
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=124030
I could tell you more, but then I would have to kill you.
milkman
10-18-2008, 06:17 AM
Gaz was/is a pussy.
Kerberos
10-18-2008, 06:24 AM
I remember GAZ just enough to know he got tired of the way people treated one another in the forum.
It was a double edged sword. He didn't care for how the old timers/Vets of the Planet piled on and reduced n00bs to listless piles of crap by berating them. He didn't care for the way n00bs were posting by the hundreds and talking trash and declining the amount of good football conversation with their n00b like banter.
One led to the other and his eventual departure.
That is how I took his leaving here.
I liked GAZ cause he always shot straight from the hip and there was NO grey area in his thinking.
He was a great loss to the planet IMO.
beach tribe
10-18-2008, 06:43 AM
I remember GAZ just enough to know he got tired of the way people treated one another in the forum.
It was a double edged sword. He didn't care for how the old timers/Vets of the Planet piled on and reduced n00bs to listless piles of crap by berating them. He didn't care for the way n00bs were posting by the hundreds and talking trash and declining the amount of good football conversation with their n00b like banter.
One led to the other and his eventual departure.
That is how I took his leaving here.
I liked GAZ cause he always shot straight from the hip and there was NO grey area in his thinking.
He was a great loss to the planet IMO.
My next question was: What led to the separation of such a notorious character, and the platform on which he gained said notoriety.
Otter
10-18-2008, 06:47 AM
You Fools!!! He is watching...
HypnotizedMonkey
10-18-2008, 06:53 AM
vultures... all of you.
ChiefJustice
10-18-2008, 06:58 AM
My next question was: What led to the separation of such a notorious character, and the platform on which he gained said notoriety.
Ask ENDelt....
Goatcheese may have a WPI article that will clear this up.
:rolleyes:
I remember GAZ just enough to know he got tired of the way people treated one another in the forum.
It was a double edged sword. He didn't care for how the old timers/Vets of the Planet piled on and reduced n00bs to listless piles of crap by berating them. He didn't care for the way n00bs were posting by the hundreds and talking trash and declining the amount of good football conversation with their n00b like banter.
One led to the other and his eventual departure.
That is how I took his leaving here.
I liked GAZ cause he always shot straight from the hip and there was NO grey area in his thinking.
He was a great loss to the planet IMO.
He actually posted earlier this year that he lurks all the time, but just doesn't post. so he never really left.
Chief Chief
10-18-2008, 07:33 AM
Gaz is the Evil Incarnate. He's like Jason (from the Friday the 13th movies), Keyser Soze, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, and the Grinch (before he went good on us) all rolled into one. Except he's always dressed up as Gidget.
Let's just say that if Simply Red would follow some simple Gaz advice and invest in a bottle of Tequila Rose, he wouldn't need to be posting threads asking how how to get a woman into bed.
Gaz knows Bone Crushing Defense.
Gaz knows film.
And Gaz knows what women like.
Bwana
10-18-2008, 07:56 AM
Here's to you Gaz, if you're lurking.
Bwana
10-18-2008, 07:58 AM
And this........
Gaz is a very cool guy I enjoyed reading and replying to him here on the Planet. I had the chance to meet up with him and some other posters here to watch a game once. He is very witty and conducts himself with class, as a poster below said he lost interest here and it was a loss. KCWolfman, stevieray,Jazzlover are some other posters who I have met and are great people also. They all brought a certain class to this site but no longer post here.
Bwana
10-18-2008, 08:12 AM
Gaz is a very cool guy I enjoyed reading and replying to him here on the Planet. I had the chance to meet up with him and some other posters here to watch a game once. He is very witty and conducts himself with class, as a poster below said he lost interest here and it was a loss. KCWolfman, stevieray,Jazzlover are some other posters who I have met and are great people also. They all brought a certain class to this site but no longer post here.
On that note, what the heck happened to Jazzlover??
Phobia
10-18-2008, 08:19 AM
On that note, what the heck happened to Jazzlover??
She's around sometimes. She quit the computer industry, went back to school, and is now into home healthcare. Plus she's married and her priorities have changed.
I see her out at Arrowhead now and then. She still has her seat.
On that note, what the heck happened to Jazzlover??
I have no idea. I have never met someone so with so little to say in public and so much to say here ROFL She is a great gal and another loss to the Planet. As you know I often take long breaks from here and she was gone when I returned this last time.
Bwana
10-18-2008, 08:25 AM
She's around sometimes. She quit the computer industry, went back to school, and is now into home healthcare. Plus she's married and her priorities have changed.
I see her out at Arrowhead now and then. She still has her seat.
Thanks for the update Phil.........great lady.
Gaz is the "Obama" of the BB - only he's legit.
She's around sometimes. She quit the computer industry, went back to school, and is now into home healthcare. Plus she's married and her priorities have changed.
I see her out at Arrowhead now and then. She still has her seat.
Do me a favor and tell her howdy for me the next time you see her.
Gaz is the "Obama" of the BB - only he's legit.
I know Gaz and he is a friend of mine and Obama sir is no Gaz! :)
I know Gaz and he is a friend of mine and Obama sir is no Gaz! :)
Good one! :clap:
Over-Head
10-18-2008, 08:46 AM
He actually posted earlier this year that he lurks all the time, but just doesn't post. so he never really left.
Much like I did when I took almost a year off.
Most of the idiots calmed down.
Some got worse :rolleyes:
Much like I did when I took almost a year off.
Most of the idiots calmed down.
Some got worse :rolleyes:
Dude, I'm glad you came back. :toast:
On an unrelated note: your Raiders are gonna get an ass kicking tomorrow..FYI. :evil:
HypnotizedMonkey
10-18-2008, 10:01 AM
Much like I did when I took almost a year off.
Most of the idiots calmed down.
Some got worse :rolleyes:
There are Idiots here???
gblowfish
10-18-2008, 12:45 PM
Who DARE to speak the name of the mighty and powerful Gaz???
Nightfyre
10-18-2008, 12:51 PM
Who DARE to speak the name of the mighty and powerful Gaz???
Ignore the man behind the curtain!
alanm
10-18-2008, 12:52 PM
I remember GAZ just enough to know he got tired of the way people treated one another in the forum.
It was a double edged sword. He didn't care for how the old timers/Vets of the Planet piled on and reduced n00bs to listless piles of crap by berating them. He didn't care for the way n00bs were posting by the hundreds and talking trash and declining the amount of good football conversation with their n00b like banter.
One led to the other and his eventual departure.
That is how I took his leaving here.
I liked GAZ cause he always shot straight from the hip and there was NO grey area in his thinking.
He was a great loss to the planet IMO.
He hated pencil necked geeks.
I don't know if this is supposed to be a secret, but I've recieved PM's from Gaz every now and then, so he is still active.
alanm
10-18-2008, 01:00 PM
I don't know if this is supposed to be a secret, but I've recieved PM's from Gaz every now and then, so he is still active.You have been blessed. :grovel:
Skip Towne
10-18-2008, 01:04 PM
I've met Gaz. I put in a satellite system for him. I've got his email addy but haven't heard from him. He objected to the foul language on here as well.
teedubya
10-18-2008, 01:06 PM
Gaz would post more often, but he is serving life in prison now.
Logical
10-18-2008, 01:40 PM
Gotcha. Thanks, but is that all? There seems to be more to it than that.
Was it really just the POLL deciding what tie to wear?He had a very unique posting style. He always did every post in Garramond font for instancre. Very smart (he was an engineer whose personality matched his avatar). Always polite, treated non troll n00bs with respects. Like to bath in bubble bath while drinking Tequila Rose with Mrs Gaz. Developed the hoot scale for rating movies and regularly provided new movie reviews that were very entertain. Finally he had a unique sense of humor that is hard to describe.
Logical
10-18-2008, 01:47 PM
It's a shame that the archive is no longer available.
Those Friday threads were quite funny.
I may be wrong,but,I think he was an original member from the KC star board that moved here in 2000(before my time).
Phil might be able to give you more of a back-story.Yes he came from the Star BB in the Mayflower with the rest of us.
Frazod
10-18-2008, 01:52 PM
Gaz was a bit over-sensitive to harsh language and some of the nastiness that goes on here (I assume he wasn't a big fan of mine). Ironically, he'd probably be much happier here now, since because of the new filters we don't have to cheat on swear words (f#ck is no longer necessary since I can now type fuck and see it).
milkman
10-18-2008, 02:31 PM
Gaz was a bit over-sensitive to harsh language and some of the nastiness that goes on here (I assume he wasn't a big fan of mine). Ironically, he'd probably be much happier here now, since because of the new filters we don't have to cheat on swear words (f#ck is no longer necessary since I can now type **** and see it).
You know, I heven't changed my settings with the new filter, because quite frankly, I don't give a rat's ass either way.
But boy, I sure wish I knew what you actually typed, since **** is so fucking hard to figure out.
:rolleyes:
shaneo69
10-18-2008, 04:47 PM
He hated pencil necked geeks.
And QB's.
There was another Chiefs board after the Star that he moderated, something like Pigskin Planet, or Pigpen, or something like that. Then everyone came over here for some reason.
Frankie
10-18-2008, 04:47 PM
You Fools!!! He is watching...
WE NEED TO SACRIFICE A n00b!
Frankie
10-18-2008, 04:54 PM
Gaz was a bit over-sensitive to harsh language and some of the nastiness that goes on here (I assume he wasn't a big fan of mine). Ironically, he'd probably be much happier here now, since because of the new filters we don't have to cheat on swear words (f#ck is no longer necessary since I can now type **** and see it).
****
Frankie
10-18-2008, 04:55 PM
****
Didn't work. :(
DaFace
10-18-2008, 04:57 PM
Didn't work. :(
From the FAQ:
How can I adjust the profanity filter?
By default, all users are configured to use a small set of profanity filters. However, we recognize that different people have different preferences for how profanity is handled on the forum. As such, you have the following options to control the forum's profanity filters:
* If you would rather not use the default filter list, change your default style to "Full Featured (unfiltered)" in your User CP under "Edit Options."
* If you would like to add additional words to the forum's word censor list, you can do so in your User CP under "Edit Options" as well. Look for "Self Censor Posts" toward the bottom of the list. Words you enter into the box will be replaced by asterisks in the forum.
JuicesFlowing
10-18-2008, 04:58 PM
I haven't been around long, but the Gaz option on polls is always amusing. I never added it on my own polls because I didn't know the history behind Gaz.
Frankie
10-18-2008, 05:07 PM
From the FAQ:
Thanks I was unfamiliar with this filter and from Frazod's post assumed it's now a Planet default.
Logical
10-18-2008, 05:12 PM
And QB's.
There was another Chiefs board after the Star that he moderated, something like Pigskin Planet, or Pigpen, or something like that. Then everyone came over here for some reason.That was Pigskin Park (there was also a Pigskin Pen for political threads).
WE NEED TO SACRIFICE A n00b!
I'll get the altar ready, it's gotten a little dusty.
Do we have any nubile young female virgin nOObs? I think Gaz would appreciate that.
Frankie
10-18-2008, 05:14 PM
Gaz is actually a Persian sweet from the city of Isfahan.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e2/Gaz_Candy_From_Iran.jpg/180px-Gaz_Candy_From_Iran.jpg
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/32/Mozaffari_Gaz.jpg/180px-Mozaffari_Gaz.jpg&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaz_sweet_iran&h=208&w=180&sz=6&hl=en&start=22&usg=__MQG2KcxH6R7sPLuV0YuhWbifDSY=&tbnid=1J112bHFf5tuGM:&tbnh=105&tbnw=91&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dgaz%2Bisfahan%26start%3D20%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D20%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN
milkman
10-18-2008, 05:16 PM
That was Pigskin Park (there was also a Pigskin Pen for political threads).
I just noticed that you joined in 2000, so who the hell are you?
Vlad?
Frankie
10-18-2008, 05:16 PM
Do we have any nubile young female virgin nOObs? I think Gaz would appreciate that.
Preferably. But in this economy any n00b will do. I'm sure Gaz will be benevolent.
Preferably. But in this economy any n00b will do. I'm sure Gaz will be benevolent.
Well, he always was benevolent. But then it's easy to be benevolent in the middle of a housing boom.
alanm
10-18-2008, 05:22 PM
I just noticed that you joined in 2000, so who the hell are you?
Vlad?Yes
Frankie
10-18-2008, 05:26 PM
Well, he always was benevolent. But then it's easy to be benevolent in the middle of a housing boom.
Do I detect a whiff of sacrilege? You should never doubt the greatness and purity of the almighty Gaz. Among those distant trees stood the last person who ever deviated from unquestionin total belief in him.
http://www.srh.noaa.gov/shv/images/NatchitochesLTG.jpg
Over-Head
10-18-2008, 05:31 PM
Dude, I'm glad you came back. :toast:
On an unrelated note: your Raiders are gonna get an ass kicking tomorrow..FYI. :evil:
Don't I know it.
I still shuder at the last time we faced Farve.
He scorched us then, and he's about to do it one more time. :banghead:
Logical
10-18-2008, 05:34 PM
I just noticed that you joined in 2000, so who the hell are you?
Vlad?Yes or Logical or at least a 1/2 dozen other user names.:evil:
Finally he had a unique sense of humor that is hard to describe.
Very true and I never did find out who started the posting as a third person style. Some thought it was Gaz some thought it was Bob Dole.
Simply Red
10-18-2008, 09:57 PM
Yep, Movie reviews. Nice guy. Unique, etc.
milkman
10-18-2008, 10:02 PM
Yes or Logical or at least a 1/2 dozen other user names.:evil:
So you got over your hissy fit and decided to stick around?
Rain Man
10-18-2008, 10:36 PM
I never said this before, but Gaz delivered all of my family's children for free, and the weird thing was that my wife wasn't even pregnant.
J Diddy
10-18-2008, 10:36 PM
Very true and I never did find out who started the posting as a third person style. Some thought it was Gaz some thought it was Bob Dole.
I don't know who did it first, but I do know bob dole perfected it.
J Diddy
10-18-2008, 10:36 PM
So you got over your hissy fit and decided to stick around?
Way to keep up on the times.
milkman
10-18-2008, 10:39 PM
Way to keep up on the times.
It's a gift.
Joe Seahawk
10-18-2008, 10:44 PM
He's still waiting for that quarterback crushing defense. He also rides his god forsaken #@%$! bike everyday, maybe to the bowling alley?
Rain Man
10-18-2008, 10:53 PM
I remember once when a poster put out a prayer request for a person with leprosy, and Gaz was the first person to post on it, and by the time the second person posted the leper was cured.
Phobia
10-18-2008, 11:04 PM
I remember once when a poster put out a prayer request for a person with leprosy, and Gaz was the first person to post on it, and by the time the second person posted the leper was cured.
I'm detecting quite a bit of jealousy. Rain Man is good stuff but one GAZ is worth 38 Rain Men.
I remember once when a poster put out a prayer request for a person with leprosy, and Gaz was the first person to post on it, and by the time the second person posted the leper was cured.
Sir, I was that leper, and thanks to Gaz I still have 77% of my appendages.
KcMizzou
10-18-2008, 11:11 PM
I'm detecting quite a bit of jealousy. Rain Man is good stuff but one GAZ is worth 38 Rain Men.GAZ never left us hanging, back when we were fighting the good fight in the war effort. :harumph:
Rain Man
10-18-2008, 11:22 PM
I'm detecting quite a bit of jealousy. Rain Man is good stuff but one GAZ is worth 38 Rain Men.
No, no, not jealousy, but rather admiration. I've never told anyone this, but Gaz saved my life after the 2003 playoff loss. A mountain lion attacked me, and he appeared out of nowhere and fought it off.
Rain Man
10-18-2008, 11:24 PM
Sir, I was that leper, and thanks to Gaz I still have 77% of my appendages.
Ah yes, it all makes sense now. The person was RJL, and I think had already lost the L.
KcMizzou
10-18-2008, 11:25 PM
No, no, not jealousy, but rather admiration. I've never told anyone this, but Gaz saved my life after the 2003 playoff loss. A mountain lion attacked me, and he appeared out of nowhere and fought it off.Once, I had prostate cancer. Then, GAZ replied to my post... and *poof* it was gone.
Logical
10-18-2008, 11:26 PM
Very true and I never did find out who started the posting as a third person style. Some thought it was Gaz some thought it was Bob Dole.Dole started that way back on the Star BB. He has only broke third person a couple of times in 10 years, it is in the boys eyebrows.
Rain Man
10-18-2008, 11:26 PM
GAZ never left us hanging, back when we were fighting the good fight in the war effort. :harumph:
If I remember correctly, Gaz may have actually been the very first casualty of the war. I was worried that it would destroy the whole campaign.
ChiefJustice
10-19-2008, 02:08 AM
Here's to you Gaz, if you're lurking.
I just now noticed the archive button.:doh!:
How could I have forgotten about the Tequila Rose?
That was also the name of Gaz's plane in the B-17 thread.
Dole started that way back on the Star BB. He has only broke third person a couple of times in 10 years, it is in the boys eyebrows.
BTW if you could get Gaz to endorse you this election would be over and you would save a ton of casino cash
Frankie
10-19-2008, 10:05 AM
I never said this before, but Gaz delivered all of my family's children for free, and the weird thing was that my wife wasn't even pregnant.
Gaz is Stork?! :hmmm:
Frankie
10-19-2008, 10:07 AM
I'm detecting quite a bit of jealousy. Rain Man is good stuff but one GAZ is worth 38 Rain Men.
37. Be fair.
Frankie
10-19-2008, 10:22 AM
No, no, not jealousy, but rather admiration. I've never told anyone this, but Gaz saved my life after the 2003 playoff loss. A mountain lion attacked me, and he appeared out of nowhere and fought it off.
I know your fear has blurred your recollection, Rain Man. That was not Gaz who disposed of the mountain lion. It was Rich Scanlon.... But Gaz did send him.
Frankie
10-19-2008, 10:23 AM
Once, I had prostate cancer. Then, GAZ replied to my post... and *poof* it was gone.
Your prostate was gone? Yikes!
vailpass
10-19-2008, 10:28 AM
You Fools!!! He is watching...
ROFL
Gaz is a gentleman and a scholar, an engineer's engineer.
KChiefs1
10-19-2008, 01:01 PM
Spanna
Frankie
10-22-2008, 09:08 AM
Oh Gaz,.... why have you foresaken us?!
Demonpenz
10-22-2008, 09:42 AM
I had to block Gaz. His font hurt my eyes
FishingRod
10-22-2008, 10:54 AM
Gaz- Was really a double naught secret agent named Mike Keck
You can't trust any of the old timers
Skip Towne
10-22-2008, 11:04 AM
No, no, not jealousy, but rather admiration. I've never told anyone this, but Gaz saved my life after the 2003 playoff loss. A mountain lion attacked me, and he appeared out of nowhere and fought it off.
Then he ran all the way around the world and punched himself in the back of the head.
Frankie
10-22-2008, 11:05 AM
Then he ran all the way around the world and punched himself in the back of the head.
ROFL
whoman69
10-22-2008, 01:49 PM
Best thread ever. If I had three hours to waste I'd give out a lot of rep. But since I don't have Gaz's powers you'll all have to placate yourselves with a thumbs up. :thumb:
I've never seen Gaz in person, but by the few messages he's sent me, I picture him like this.
http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/VAS/0000-0164~Heros-Strong-Man-Posters.jpg
Warrior5
10-22-2008, 02:05 PM
Aviation Engineer extraordinaire.
Doo-da lite Citizen of the Century.
Charter Planet member.
Scorn of Jason Ernzen on the old Star BB.
Tequila Rose.
Bubble baths.
Movie and book reviewer.
Eloquent & articulate.
Defensive homer.
Designated Dope Slapper.
Yearned for a run-stuffing, pocket-collapsing DT.
Advocate of crushing the pencil-necked QB.
Wishing Gaz would return to the Planet...
xoxo
Warrior5
Dartgod
10-22-2008, 02:10 PM
Scorn of Jason Ernzen on the old Star BB.
I wish there were archives of all the old posts there. The thread where Ernzen was looking for work and Gaz suggested he let people pay to beat him up was a classic.
Warrior5
10-22-2008, 02:15 PM
I wish there were archives of all the old posts there. The thread where Ernzen was looking for work and Gaz suggested he let people pay to beat him up was a classic.
I think Gaz referenced some unemployed dude in Japan that stood on a street corner and let people smack him in the face for about $20, and recommended Ernzen try it.
I almost peed my pants reading that one.
StcChief
10-22-2008, 02:24 PM
I know Gaz and he is a friend of mine and Obama sir is no Gaz! :) Perfect. :clap:
Bwana
10-22-2008, 02:33 PM
I think this may have been GAZ: :eek:
3A. Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
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I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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