T-post Tom
01-25-2009, 01:02 PM
:spock: [I couldn't find a smilie of a coke-snorting Irvin or an overly taut, post plastic surgery Jones.]
Irvin, Jerry, minimally talented players -- it'll be a hit!
Jan. 23, 2009
By Larry Dobrow
Special to CBSSports.com
This weekend features the saddest sports Sunday of the year, the first since late August that shall take place without a forward pass or Favre retirement rumor. Still, if you're anything like me, you'll nonetheless crawl out of bed at the appointed hour and flip on the tube out of habit. Around 75 minutes will pass before it registers that your TV is bereft of mirthful, totally unrehearsed pregame banter; two hours later, it will occur to you that you're watching a show in which grown men wade into a creek in search of carp.
Thank heaven for the media-savvy miracles that are Michael Irvin and the Dallas Cowboys. Selflessly and with Trump-like humility, they've moved to fill the no-NFL emotional void.
Anticipating our dark weekend, Irvin announced Thursday the debut of How 'Bout That Cowboy?, a Spike TV reality series in which 12 no-name nobodies will compete for a guaranteed slot on the team's training-camp roster. Contestants will be chosen based on their strength, agility, sideburns and propensity for self-debasement. The winner will be cut before the end of July, several days after it has become manifestly apparent that he is not, indeed, a professional football player.
Judging by the preliminary show treatment leaked to me by an individual whose name might or might not rhyme with Sparry Bitzer, How 'Bout That Cowboy? looks like a can't-miss prospect on par with David LaFleur. If it plays as well on your tube as it does on paper, executive producer/all-world GM Jerry Jones will soon be adding an Emmy to his trophy case.
Then there's the glut of current and former Cowboys who will flash their championship bling and concussed stares for the cameras, ranging from Irvin (the host, who has already demanded that jock, producer and TV critic alike refer to him as "Mr. Playmaker") to glory-era mainstays like Deion Sanders, Troy Aikman and Jay Novacek. Hello Hollywood? Looking to re-re-boot Ocean's Eleven? I've got your cast right here!
Ten episodes; 12 contestants; one well-appointed condo; 4.5 bathrooms. Bogus "reality" tussles that compromise the NFL's competitive integrity will never be the same.
Episode 1: How 'Bout That Cowboy? kicks off with a teaser montage, in which we see the contestants sweating, sparring, crying and posing for what is believed to be the first group mug shot in the history of law enforcement. Following a quick overview of the selection process, the gang is ushered into the luxe lodgings. As they survey their surroundings, they casually utter carefully worded phrases like "Wow, look at the new 59-inch Sharp Aquos LCD!," "Dude, check out this stylish yet functional Lüdürshüe armoire from Ikea" and "Whoa! That's Activision's Guitar Hero III, with the downloadable AC/DC song bundle that's only available at Best Buy!"
Irvin immediately eliminates one contestant for having been too slow to claim a bunk. "You've gotta want it, man! Being a Cowboy is all about wanting it, and I don't want to not want to see you wanting it and wanting it bad!" he implores. Irvin then sends the goober back to Tuscaloosa by removing the star from his helmet and uttering the show's soon-to-be-a-pop-culture-staple elimination catchphrase: "Not in MY house!"
Episode 2: Back stories! To the strains of a remixed David Cook power ballad -- available on iTunes, natch -- the 11 remaining contestants introduce themselves, taking great care to play up their hardscrabble pluck and play down their restraining orders. Viewers won't be able to resist the cool confidence of Chill Black Receiver. They'll admire the spirit and wit of Mouthy Latino Cornerback. They'll alternately be appalled and entranced by Troubled Delinquent Who Tackles Better When He's Off His Meds.
But it's Undersized White Flanker who, with the following impromptu monologue, will prompt the at-home audience to reach for its collective hankie: "All my life, people have been telling me I'm not big enough, I'm not fast enough, I'm not good enough. I've knocked on every door, man, and nobody's answered [dramatic pause, during which his lip trembles]. Also, I'm an asthmatic anemic illiterate orphan who lives in my car."
You can practically hear America open its heart, right? Even though he spends most of the two-mile training run barfing and weeping, Undersized White Flanker is spared elimination; Bland Guy With Abs gets the boot instead, a fate he accepts blandly.
Episode 3: Following a long afternoon in the weight room, the would-be Cowboys are set free for a night on the town. Taking a cue from the Cowboys of yesteryear, they choose to stay home, study the playbook and watch Charlie Rose. Irvin eliminates the ringleader, just on general principle.
Episode 4: While being a Cowboy nowadays is mostly about hard work and wanting it more and undermining coordinators, it can't be denied that players have to learn how to deal with the distractions and attendant pressures that plague America's Team. To that end, contestants attend an 18-hour tutorial in which a crack squad of attorneys, schoolmarms, sociologists, behavioral therapists, actuaries and concierges instructs them on effective coping techniques.
At its conclusion, the contestants shriek like schoolgirls when Cowboys QB/fourth Jonas Brother Tony Romo arrives to discuss his own experiences with fickle fans: "Never, never, never, never go on vacation, even when your coach gives you the weekend off. Never." In the most dramatic elimination ceremony yet, Romo eliminates Corn-Fed Varsity Letterman for having the audacity to vaguely resemble Nick Lachey.
Episode 5: Mercurial Charles Haley drops in for a visit, which leads to the first fully bleeped/blurred hour in the history of television. Nobody is eliminated. Everybody seeks counseling.
Episode 6: As Jeff Pearlman's staggeringly entertaining cautionary tale Boys Will Be Boys deftly illustrates, you can't be a Cowboy unless you're trained in the fine arts of juggling, appeasing and occasionally tranquilizing cowgirls. And so, in the most dramatic cross-pollination of personalities from shows that air on Viacom-owned channels yet, VH-1's Rock of Love Bus stops by the Cowboys compound. Sixteen hours, eight noise complaints and two EMT visits later, the bus rolls away to its next destination. The contestants vow never to speak of it again.
Episode 7: Emmitt Smith arrives for an afternoon of drills, dancing and verb conjugation. After running the five remaining contestants through a series of wind sprints and pirouettes, he jumps down Unrepentant Tattooed Dirtbag's throat for having misidentified a gerund. In a fit of pique, Emmitt serves up his own unique take on the elimination catchphrase: "Not on the house in which I'm in, which is MINE!"
Episode 8: As the pace of workouts starts to drag, Irvin takes a cue from The Real World and packs up the contestants for a quickie jaunt to Cancun. Alas, by the time Irvin clears his participation with his army of attorneys, employers, family members and probation officers, the cast has already returned home, tan and tequila-addled. They just wanted it more.
Episode 9: T.O. shows up, three episodes late, and reduces the remaining three contestants to tears by toying with them on the field. Later, he rips the JUGS machine for not looking his way often enough. As a mess of notepads and microphones descend on the Cowboy condo, Irvin replaces the evening's media-relations seminar in favor of a slam-poetry jam, during which it is proclaimed that "the pipe" is "not dope." In the most dramatic near-nervous breakdown yet, Mormon With Muscles quits the competition.
Episode 10/The Finale: The two remaining contestants -– Undersized White Flanker and Perpetually Shirtless Guy -– have run lots of laps. They've lifted heavy things. They've endured uncomfortably staged conversations with Tank Johnson and Danny White. Tonight, one of them will become an almost-Cowboy with a "haze me!" sign stapled to his forehead.
And so it is that, on a candlelit platform overlooking the spankin' new Brand Name TK Stadium, Undersized White Flanker's journey from poverty/pleurisy to prominence ends. We learn that the deciding How 'Bout That Cowboy? vote was cast by Jerry Jones himself; his acute talent detector rejected the possibility that a Wes Welker-sized receiver could succeed in today's NFL. Perpetually Shirtless Guy hugs the li'l fella warmly but not too warmly, then instructs his agent to start calling other teams.
(Anybody who wants to audition for the still-unnamed Irvin/Cowboys reality show can find more information here.. Godspeed.)
Irvin, Jerry, minimally talented players -- it'll be a hit!
Jan. 23, 2009
By Larry Dobrow
Special to CBSSports.com
This weekend features the saddest sports Sunday of the year, the first since late August that shall take place without a forward pass or Favre retirement rumor. Still, if you're anything like me, you'll nonetheless crawl out of bed at the appointed hour and flip on the tube out of habit. Around 75 minutes will pass before it registers that your TV is bereft of mirthful, totally unrehearsed pregame banter; two hours later, it will occur to you that you're watching a show in which grown men wade into a creek in search of carp.
Thank heaven for the media-savvy miracles that are Michael Irvin and the Dallas Cowboys. Selflessly and with Trump-like humility, they've moved to fill the no-NFL emotional void.
Anticipating our dark weekend, Irvin announced Thursday the debut of How 'Bout That Cowboy?, a Spike TV reality series in which 12 no-name nobodies will compete for a guaranteed slot on the team's training-camp roster. Contestants will be chosen based on their strength, agility, sideburns and propensity for self-debasement. The winner will be cut before the end of July, several days after it has become manifestly apparent that he is not, indeed, a professional football player.
Judging by the preliminary show treatment leaked to me by an individual whose name might or might not rhyme with Sparry Bitzer, How 'Bout That Cowboy? looks like a can't-miss prospect on par with David LaFleur. If it plays as well on your tube as it does on paper, executive producer/all-world GM Jerry Jones will soon be adding an Emmy to his trophy case.
Then there's the glut of current and former Cowboys who will flash their championship bling and concussed stares for the cameras, ranging from Irvin (the host, who has already demanded that jock, producer and TV critic alike refer to him as "Mr. Playmaker") to glory-era mainstays like Deion Sanders, Troy Aikman and Jay Novacek. Hello Hollywood? Looking to re-re-boot Ocean's Eleven? I've got your cast right here!
Ten episodes; 12 contestants; one well-appointed condo; 4.5 bathrooms. Bogus "reality" tussles that compromise the NFL's competitive integrity will never be the same.
Episode 1: How 'Bout That Cowboy? kicks off with a teaser montage, in which we see the contestants sweating, sparring, crying and posing for what is believed to be the first group mug shot in the history of law enforcement. Following a quick overview of the selection process, the gang is ushered into the luxe lodgings. As they survey their surroundings, they casually utter carefully worded phrases like "Wow, look at the new 59-inch Sharp Aquos LCD!," "Dude, check out this stylish yet functional Lüdürshüe armoire from Ikea" and "Whoa! That's Activision's Guitar Hero III, with the downloadable AC/DC song bundle that's only available at Best Buy!"
Irvin immediately eliminates one contestant for having been too slow to claim a bunk. "You've gotta want it, man! Being a Cowboy is all about wanting it, and I don't want to not want to see you wanting it and wanting it bad!" he implores. Irvin then sends the goober back to Tuscaloosa by removing the star from his helmet and uttering the show's soon-to-be-a-pop-culture-staple elimination catchphrase: "Not in MY house!"
Episode 2: Back stories! To the strains of a remixed David Cook power ballad -- available on iTunes, natch -- the 11 remaining contestants introduce themselves, taking great care to play up their hardscrabble pluck and play down their restraining orders. Viewers won't be able to resist the cool confidence of Chill Black Receiver. They'll admire the spirit and wit of Mouthy Latino Cornerback. They'll alternately be appalled and entranced by Troubled Delinquent Who Tackles Better When He's Off His Meds.
But it's Undersized White Flanker who, with the following impromptu monologue, will prompt the at-home audience to reach for its collective hankie: "All my life, people have been telling me I'm not big enough, I'm not fast enough, I'm not good enough. I've knocked on every door, man, and nobody's answered [dramatic pause, during which his lip trembles]. Also, I'm an asthmatic anemic illiterate orphan who lives in my car."
You can practically hear America open its heart, right? Even though he spends most of the two-mile training run barfing and weeping, Undersized White Flanker is spared elimination; Bland Guy With Abs gets the boot instead, a fate he accepts blandly.
Episode 3: Following a long afternoon in the weight room, the would-be Cowboys are set free for a night on the town. Taking a cue from the Cowboys of yesteryear, they choose to stay home, study the playbook and watch Charlie Rose. Irvin eliminates the ringleader, just on general principle.
Episode 4: While being a Cowboy nowadays is mostly about hard work and wanting it more and undermining coordinators, it can't be denied that players have to learn how to deal with the distractions and attendant pressures that plague America's Team. To that end, contestants attend an 18-hour tutorial in which a crack squad of attorneys, schoolmarms, sociologists, behavioral therapists, actuaries and concierges instructs them on effective coping techniques.
At its conclusion, the contestants shriek like schoolgirls when Cowboys QB/fourth Jonas Brother Tony Romo arrives to discuss his own experiences with fickle fans: "Never, never, never, never go on vacation, even when your coach gives you the weekend off. Never." In the most dramatic elimination ceremony yet, Romo eliminates Corn-Fed Varsity Letterman for having the audacity to vaguely resemble Nick Lachey.
Episode 5: Mercurial Charles Haley drops in for a visit, which leads to the first fully bleeped/blurred hour in the history of television. Nobody is eliminated. Everybody seeks counseling.
Episode 6: As Jeff Pearlman's staggeringly entertaining cautionary tale Boys Will Be Boys deftly illustrates, you can't be a Cowboy unless you're trained in the fine arts of juggling, appeasing and occasionally tranquilizing cowgirls. And so, in the most dramatic cross-pollination of personalities from shows that air on Viacom-owned channels yet, VH-1's Rock of Love Bus stops by the Cowboys compound. Sixteen hours, eight noise complaints and two EMT visits later, the bus rolls away to its next destination. The contestants vow never to speak of it again.
Episode 7: Emmitt Smith arrives for an afternoon of drills, dancing and verb conjugation. After running the five remaining contestants through a series of wind sprints and pirouettes, he jumps down Unrepentant Tattooed Dirtbag's throat for having misidentified a gerund. In a fit of pique, Emmitt serves up his own unique take on the elimination catchphrase: "Not on the house in which I'm in, which is MINE!"
Episode 8: As the pace of workouts starts to drag, Irvin takes a cue from The Real World and packs up the contestants for a quickie jaunt to Cancun. Alas, by the time Irvin clears his participation with his army of attorneys, employers, family members and probation officers, the cast has already returned home, tan and tequila-addled. They just wanted it more.
Episode 9: T.O. shows up, three episodes late, and reduces the remaining three contestants to tears by toying with them on the field. Later, he rips the JUGS machine for not looking his way often enough. As a mess of notepads and microphones descend on the Cowboy condo, Irvin replaces the evening's media-relations seminar in favor of a slam-poetry jam, during which it is proclaimed that "the pipe" is "not dope." In the most dramatic near-nervous breakdown yet, Mormon With Muscles quits the competition.
Episode 10/The Finale: The two remaining contestants -– Undersized White Flanker and Perpetually Shirtless Guy -– have run lots of laps. They've lifted heavy things. They've endured uncomfortably staged conversations with Tank Johnson and Danny White. Tonight, one of them will become an almost-Cowboy with a "haze me!" sign stapled to his forehead.
And so it is that, on a candlelit platform overlooking the spankin' new Brand Name TK Stadium, Undersized White Flanker's journey from poverty/pleurisy to prominence ends. We learn that the deciding How 'Bout That Cowboy? vote was cast by Jerry Jones himself; his acute talent detector rejected the possibility that a Wes Welker-sized receiver could succeed in today's NFL. Perpetually Shirtless Guy hugs the li'l fella warmly but not too warmly, then instructs his agent to start calling other teams.
(Anybody who wants to audition for the still-unnamed Irvin/Cowboys reality show can find more information here.. Godspeed.)