connecting with my daughter

[bogey]

My sweet, wonderful, little 11 year old daughter and I don't connect. We've never really connected. I keep hearing about little girls being Daddy's little girl, but that hasn't happened with us. Last night when I was putting her to bed, she told me I try too hard. I would literally take a bullet for her. I love her deeper than I can explain. What can I do to improve our relationship? Any Dads out there with an only child that have difficulties connecting? This has been pushing on my heart for years.

[MIAdragon]

My sweet, wonderful, little 11 year old daughter and I don't connect. We've never really connected. I keep hearing about little girls being Daddy's little girl, but that hasn't happened with us. Last night when I was putting her to bed, she told me I try too hard. I would literally take a bullet for her. I love her deeper than I can explain. What can I do to improve our relationship? Any Dads out there with an only child that have difficulties connecting? This has been pushing on my heart for years.

Have you asked her this?

[DeezNutz]

Interesting topic.

My experience has taught me only that girls go bat shit crazy around 17-18, fighting with parents (mom in particular), and what not.

I look forward to the suggestions, however...

[MOhillbilly]

My sweet, wonderful, little 11 year old daughter and I don't connect. We've never really connected. I keep hearing about little girls being Daddy's little girl, but that hasn't happened with us. Last night when I was putting her to bed, she told me I try too hard. I would literally take a bullet for her. I love her deeper than I can explain. What can I do to improve our relationship? Any Dads out there with an only child that have difficulties connecting? This has been pushing on my heart for years.

quit tryin to be a friend and be a parent.

[RustShack]

Take her fishing. Let her shoot a deer. Drink a beer with her.

[RustShack]

Or you could take her shopping :)

[Jenson71]

Is it because you whistle when you talk like the other bogey on chiefsplanet? http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=4123762#post4123762

[Brianfo]

My sweet, wonderful, little 11 year old daughter and I don't connect. We've never really connected. I keep hearing about little girls being Daddy's little girl, but that hasn't happened with us. Last night when I was putting her to bed, she told me I try too hard. I would literally take a bullet for her. I love her deeper than I can explain. What can I do to improve our relationship? Any Dads out there with an only child that have difficulties connecting? This has been pushing on my heart for years.

Try having a father/daughter date night where just the 2 of you go out to dinner and a movie. Sounds corny, but a really good friend of mine gave me this advice over the weekend. I just had the same conversation with him. I have 3 children with 2 of them being boys. I feel like I really connect with them, but haven't with my daughter yet. Part of the problem is that she has a personality identical to mine.

[Jewish Rabbi]

Antifreeze/This thread is worthless without pics.

There. Now we can get serious here.

[FAX]

Parenting is the most passive/aggressive thing you'll ever do, Mr. bogey.

Don't push. Don't cling. But always, always be there to listen no matter how insignificant the conversation may be. You don't have to talk - in fact, the less you speak, the better. But listen patiently. In time, your relationship will change for the better.

That's my advice.

FAX

[CoMoChief]

Take her fishing. Let her shoot a deer. Drink a beer with her.

LMAO

take her to a whore house, let her lose her vir.................wait.........nevermind :banghead:

[bogey]

Have you asked her this?

I have. She doesn't really have an answer I can use. She says I try to be funny but I'm not. She hates it when I ask her too many questions, but I do that to try to strike up a conversation.

[Iowanian]

Fake the left hook and throw the big right uppercut.

That might knock some sense into her.


Sorry, thats all I got. My girls are young, but I've already accepted that they're just not going to like me from 12-20. The wife and my sister confirmed it.

I don't think we(dad) are capable of understand whatever it is they're going through. I hope to just be a good influence and example of a good person, teach them morals and be here when they need me and love them. hopefully, that will be enough. Just be the north Star.

[bogey]

quit tryin to be a friend and be a parent.

I get this. But I would love if she would want to do something just with me. She has no desire to spend time with only me. I have to force her.

[bogey]

Take her fishing. Let her shoot a deer. Drink a beer with her.

I've offered to take her out on the stand with me. I promised I wouldn't shoot anything, just go out with me and watch the sun rise. She, like her Mother, hates hunting.

[bogey]

Is it because you whistle when you talk like the other bogey on chiefsplanet? http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=4123762#post4123762

Yes, that's me. Many things I do bug her.

[MOhillbilly]

I get this. But I would love if she would want to do something just with me. She has no desire to spend time with only me. I have to force her.


make her pick rocks to show her how bad it could really be.


(i tried this and it turned into a treasure hunt):):cuss:

[MIAdragon]

Ok, does she feel the same way about your relationship? Why the need to ask so many questions to strike up a conversation? Take an interest in what she is into and use that as your in, but you have to be genuine, kids see right through the BS.

[Iowanian]

Plan a father-daughter trip to iowania for the summer. I'll rent you out to farmers to walk beans together.

Nothing else to do but cut weeds and talk.

[bogey]

Parenting is the most passive/aggressive thing you'll ever do, Mr. bogey.

Don't push. Don't cling. But always, always be there to listen no matter how insignificant the conversation may be. You don't have to talk - in fact, the less you speak, the better. But listen patiently. In time, your relationship will change for the better.

That's my advice.

FAX

I hope it changes. I want her to look back on her memories of me with joy. Right now, I feel like, well, like she just tolerates me. I often wonder if she would be fine whether i was here or not.

[Rain Man]

I wonder if it's like dating in a non-perverted way. If you give her too much attention, it makes you less desirable. If you just go about your business, then she starts thinking that you're too good for her and she'll start getting more interested in you.

I have no kids, though, so pay no attention to whatever I say.

[stevieray]

first off..thanks for being so candid...

in my experience...don't think that you always have to be doing something to be doing something...what I mean is, sometimes the simplest things can really mean alot...they want your time, not just things...keep it simple..lay in the back yard and look at the stars..allow time to just be quiet, where yyou are content jus tbeing together, without talking...go on a bike ride, let her choose the path..allow here to make choices instead of being "told". Another...don't tell her where you are going, just tell her to hop in the car... that you guys are going for ride..got to DQ, or Sonic, and get her a treat...ask about school ...friends and then let her talk..and listen!...take an interest in things she likes..and incorporate that into your time together....my oldest is a gear head, so we do swap meets, local car shows, etc...my youngest loves to read..go to library..asking her about the books she's reading etc...

Sometimes it's hard not to try too hard...just be yourself...as Dad's we rend ot want to fix everything and save the day, but your girls are capable of fixing their own problems, they just want your love and a reasuring word and hug...


hang on there...your heart is in the right place..

[RustShack]

I've offered to take her out on the stand with me. I promised I wouldn't shoot anything, just go out with me and watch the sun rise. She, like her Mother, hates hunting.

:hmmm:

Sounds like the mother is the problem. :evil:

[bogey]

Is it because you whistle when you talk like the other bogey on chiefsplanet? http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=4123762#post4123762

I'm so sorry I started a thread like this before. This has been going on in my life for years.

[wutamess]

Or you could be a parent and not try to hang out/smother her. Be yourself... talk to her like one of your other friends. Don't change pitch, tone or anything. maybe you change when you talk to her and she sees you as being corny/fake.

My 12 yo we can't connect right now because she's at that annoying stage (middle schoolers :rolleyes:). But what's important is that she knows she can talk to me about anything and I'll give her no BS blunt advice the way she needs to hear it.

She has her space and that's all they want at that age. Maybe you should realize that she knows that she loves you but she's becoming independent. Usually, it's the women that have these types of feelings.

Are you a pillowbiter? :D NTTAWWT.

[Jenson71]

I would think that taking her someplace to see something she really enjoys would be a good bonding moment. The problem is you have to know what she's a little bit interested in. Let's say she's interested in making jewelry or something. Maybe take a field trip to see one in action putting together a necklace, or some type of jewelry museum. Learning brings people together. This shows you're not only aware of the the things she's interested in, but also that you care enough to pursue the interests.

[bogey]

Fake the left hook and throw the big right uppercut.

That might knock some sense into her.


Sorry, thats all I got. My girls are young, but I've already accepted that they're just not going to like me from 12-20. The wife and my sister confirmed it.

I don't think we(dad) are capable of understand whatever it is they're going through. I hope to just be a good influence and example of a good person, teach them morals and be here when they need me and love them. hopefully, that will be enough. Just be the north Star.

But what about that whole Daddy's little girl thing. Is that just a myth?

[MIAdragon]

I'm so sorry I started a thread like this before. This has been going on in my life for years.

Dont be its nice to read something like this that actually matters.

[penchief]

I have. She doesn't really have an answer I can use. She says I try to be funny but I'm not. She hates it when I ask her too many questions, but I do that to try to strike up a conversation.

I feel for you. My daughter was a daddy's girl. Even so, it seemed like when she got older she'd go through stages where she'd be more distant. The rebellious period begins well before 17/18. It's more like 14/15.

Fax has given you good advice. That said, I am fortunate because my daughter was very tolerant of my lecturing all the time. She always listened patiently and respectfully no matter how long I went on and she never showed any resentment. I just wished that she'd applied my advice more than she did. No matter how well you try to warn them they are still going to make their own mistakes.

Listen to what she is telling you. Daughters are smarter than their dads in a lot of ways. If you keep working at it everything will turn out just fine. There are few things in life more rewarding than a good father/daughter relationship.

[DeezNutz]

Are you a pillowbiter? :D NTTAWWT.

Vintage CP response.

[MOhillbilly]

I'm so sorry I started a thread like this before. This has been going on in my life for years.

yo stevie gave some good advice. i know mine will kick scream and digs her heals in but once we go somewhere she enjoys it.
i dont know what it is. just roll with it.
Girls learn to play the game young, just like boys learn to make jetpack noises for there batman toys.

[Hootie]

But what about that whole Daddy's little girl thing. Is that just a myth?

Wait until they are in high school and need money...that's my guess.

[Fritz88]

FAX's advice is great.

I am not a parent. But I'll give my thoughts and I hope it helps.

Kids at that age tend to do a lot of comparisons. She could be comparing you with one of the fathers of her friends. Try to find out who that father might be and what is he doing to win over his little girl.

I think CP is a great place. But I would also suggest that you try to read a professional book on the subject or ask someone with a good background in childcare. I am sure their advice will be helpful.

Do your best. These years are crucial.

[bogey]

Ok, does she feel the same way about your relationship? Why the need to ask so many questions to strike up a conversation? Take an interest in what she is into and use that as your in, but you have to be genuine, kids see right through the BS.

I don't know if she feels the same about our relationship. I've talked about our inability to communicate, that's when she told me I try too hard. How else do I strike up a conversation? I ask her things like, how was your day at school today, what happened today to make you laugh, etc I get one word answers. She's interested in computers. I'll sit and watch her play on the computer. If I try to join in, I fuck it up because I'm not good at computer games and she just gets more frustrated with me.

[MOhillbilly]

But what about that whole Daddy's little girl thing. Is that just a myth?

Some daddys girls dont understand that when you get them out into the real world they are just another POS like the rest of us.

Some of the WORST females ive come across readily affirm that they were daddys little girls. -shiver- seems like alot of women ive known who were this way were rewarded for bad behavior.-shiver- JMO.

[Jenson71]

Maybe she likes soccer. Take her to a professional women's soccer game, and tell her about professional women's athletics in World War II. Spend some money on something fun and exciting, the memories will be worth it. I remember when my dad took me to a county fair when I was probably 5 or 6. We rode a bus and paid the entry fare. As soon as we got in, I spotted a person in a big costume ("Farmer Heads") about 100 yards away. That scared the hell out of me and I begged my dad to take me out. And he did. We got right back on the bus, and he never complained once; total understanding. And though I barely remember it, that thought is one of my greatest.

[Iowanian]

But what about that whole Daddy's little girl thing. Is that just a myth?

I don't know. My oldest is 3yrs old. At 3 and 1 they think I'm superman, and the boogeyman has a night light because he's afraid of me. they think I made mountains with a tonka truck when I was a boy, that I can pick up a car with 1 hand. that won't be true when they're 11-19, I do know that.

The thing they know now is that I hug them when they're happy, upset, scared, or running by, and that I'll paint back porches red if they need it. Sometimes, the right thing to do as a parent, isn't popular at the time. I know that from my own rebellious-disrespectful period of my life. Eventually, I learned and understood why my parents did what they did and that they were right. I respect them for making things harder on me when I needed it, and not letting me run like a hoodlum.

FDE's advice sounds about right to me though.


I think its going to be much harder when they're older....I know it is, but I know I'll try my best and hope things turn out well for them in the long run. If they have to hate me for a few years in the middle, I guess that will be my cross to bare.

[Jenson71]

I don't know if she feels the same about our relationship. I've talked about our inability to communicate, that's when she told me I try too hard. How else do I strike up a conversation? I ask her things like, how was your day at school today, what happened today to make you laugh, etc I get one word answers. She's interested in computers. I'll sit and watch her play on the computer. If I try to join in, I **** it up because I'm not good at computer games and she just gets more frustrated with me.

Well, when something isn't fitting, it's not good to push it harder. No more computer games for you.

[bogey]

first off..thanks for being so candid...

in my experience...don't think that you always have to be doing something to be doing something...what I mean is, sometimes the simplest things can really mean alot...they want your time, not just things...keep it simple..lay in the back yard and look at the stars..allow time to just be quiet, where yyou are content jus tbeing together, without talking...go on a bike ride, let her choose the path..allow here to make choices instead of being "told". Another...don't tell her where you are going, just tell her to hop in the car... that you guys are going for ride..got to DQ, or Sonic, and get her a treat...ask about school ...friends and then let her talk..and listen!...take an interest in things she likes..and incorporate that into your time together....my oldest is a gear head, so we do swap meets, local car shows, etc...my youngest loves to read..go to library..asking her about the books she's reading etc...
Sometimes it's hard not to try too hard...just be yourself...as Dad's we rend ot want to fix everything and save the day, but your girls are capable of fixing their own problems, they just want your love and a reasuring word and hug...


hang on there...your heart is in the right place..


Thanks

[seclark]

"Just Hold On Loosely, but don't let go
If you cling to tightly,
you're gonna lose control"

[bogey]

:hmmm:

Sounds like the mother is the problem. :evil:

When it comes to not liking hunting, her Mother definately influenced her. She did not do it on purpose though.

[MIAdragon]

Well, when something isn't fitting, it's not good to push it harder. No more computer games for you.

Or spend the time when she's sleeping and get better at them. Buy a Wii maybe.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Well, I'm going to give you my honest assessment for whatever it's worth.

You try waaaay too hard. And your insecurity over the possibility of making a mistake can be smelled from miles away. Stop worrying, everyone is going to make a mistake or 4, it happens. Cut yourself some slack.

If you can do that I think you'll start earning your daughter's respect. And when you have her respect, and establish that you're the confident, strong, boss that every little girl wants their daddies to be, you'll have the relationship you want with her.

Little girls don't expect perfection from their daddies, but they do expect dad to at least project a level of strength, confidence, and smarts. I have no doubt that you possess those traits, but you care so much it's skewing your ability to act quickly, and confidently.

Maybe I'm way off, but I've watched you post these threads before. This is what I'm getting from it. I hope it all works out for you. The fact that you're willing to put yourself out there on a football BB like this one of all places gives me a pretty good indication you're a good dad. Start believing it yourself, and I have a feeling results improve immediately.

[wutamess]

I don't know if she feels the same about our relationship. I've talked about our inability to communicate, that's when she told me I try too hard. How else do I strike up a conversation? I ask her things like, how was your day at school today, what happened today to make you laugh, etc I get one word answers. She's interested in computers. I'll sit and watch her play on the computer. If I try to join in, I **** it up because I'm not good at computer games and she just gets more frustrated with me.

Wait... this sounds like someone you try giving the world too. Excuse my asking but is she spoiled? Maybe she has too much and takes things for granted. :shrug:

Even though my 12yo aren't on that harmonic level. We're still pretty good around each other and she welcomes me. if your daughter doesn't welcome you then I'm thinking that maybe you're being taken for granted.

Somehow I get that feeling that this is something bigger than a why aren't we close issue. Maybe it's the way she's being raised?
Not meaning to offend as I MAY (and probably am) totally wrong.

[B_Ambuehl]

Quit being such a dork. Seriously the fact that you would start a thread about this is a perfect illustration of what she's talking about. We can't see you here, but I imagine you act similar to how Ben Stiller acts in a lot of his movies. Very rigid, worrisome, non-spontaneous. Quit taking everything so seriously and chill out man. You're gonna have to leave her alone for a while. Start doing cool stuff on your own and let her come to you.

[wutamess]

Quit being such a dork. Seriously the fact that you would start a thread about this is a perfect illustration of what she's talking about. We can't see you here, but I imagine you act similar to how Ben Stiller acts in a lot of his movies. Very rigid, worrisome, non-spontaneous. Quit taking everything so seriously and chill out man. You're gonna have to leave her alone for a while. Start doing cool stuff on your own and let her come to you.

This.

[MOhillbilly]

heres something i do. anyone who rides to town on sat. morning to go the feed store/bank/farm and home/ friends house, gets breakfast. it might just be BK or it might be Ihop but i can tell you both kids enjoy it.


Walks in the woods. i just turn em loose and keep an eye out. they kinda wonder off and do there own thing.

[Pennywise]

heres something i do. anyone who rides to town on sat. morning to go the feed store/bank/farm and home/ friends house, gets breakfast. it might just be BK or it might me Ihop but i can tell you both kids enjoy it.


Walks in the woods. i just turn em loose and keep an eye out. they kinda wonder off and do there own thing.

My oldest goes to the feedstore with me every Saturday. We get a bag of popcorn and feed the Turkeys and Peacocks and other animals they have.

Good quality time and she loves it.

[Chiefnj2]

I'd take SR's advice and go home tonight tell her to put on her jacket that she has to run an errand with you and then surprise her with ice cream. Ask a few harmless questions. Don't pry. It's okay if you don't talk and just enjoy the time alone. Tell a short funny story about yourself when you were 11. Once a week try something like that - make it a movie, go buy some vegetables to plant in the spring, batting cages, kick around a soccer ball, whatever she is into. Give yourselves a foundation of things to talk about. If she wants to share more intimate things she will. Don't push her.

[tooge]

man and woman are different. Just know that.

[DeezNutz]

Little girls don't expect perfection from their daddies, but they do expect dad to at least project a level of strength, confidence, and smarts.

Others have posted somewhat similar thoughts (Iowanian, for instance, in some ways), and there seems to be much truthiness in this.

And this is why activities like what Mo describes would be so enjoyable. The kids get freedom and can take "risks" (in their minds), but they have the assurance that dad is there to make everything right if need be.

[talastan]

But what about that whole Daddy's little girl thing. Is that just a myth?

I don't think it is a myth necessarily, My seven yr old thinks I'm the greatest guy in the world. And she is my princess. The key to keeping them from growing into a spoiled brat is to teach them respect, not fear, but true respect. If you're teaching her that then you need to make sure you're treating her the same way. Her future husband will love you for it! There is a point I think, though I'm not there, where a little girl starts to gain their independence. Sometimes you just need to find what makes her tick. If you have problem with computer games, ask if she'll teach you how to play or help you. I have some of my best times just watching Disney Channel with my little girl, letting her tell me about Hannah Montana (Gawd I hate that show!). Also remember that they are growing up, not growing away. This will help the pain of losing your little girl. I know it helps mine. Keep fighting the good fight, my friend. She doesn't realize how truly gifted she is to have such a caring father! :clap:

[MOhillbilly]

Others have posted somewhat similar thoughts (Iowanian, for instance, in some ways), and there seems to be much truthiness in this.

And this is why activities like what Mo describes would be so enjoyable. The kids get freedom and can take "risks" (in their minds), but they have the assurance that dad is there to make everything right if need be.

and sometimes kids have to grow up abit to undestand what it was that made your parents tick.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Others have posted somewhat similar thoughts (Iowanian, for instance, in some ways), and there seems to be much truthiness in this.

And this is why activities like what Mo describes would be so enjoyable. The kids get freedom and can take "risks" (in their minds), but they have the assurance that dad is there to make everything right if need be.

I didn't read this thread at all before I posted, so I apologize to you bogey if I appeared to pile on. I don't mind a good pile on, but not under circumstances like these. I really do wish you the best with this situation.

[Iowanian]

I know like everyone else, I have a shit-ton to learn about parenting. The bad thing is, you never know what you should/shouldn't have done until they're grown and you see the finished product.

Sometimes, you have to let a kid learn things for themselves...even the hard lessons.

My girls are both climbers, the oldest one will climb on a coffee table and see if she can jump to the couch/chair/rocking chair. I have to make the effort sometimes to stop saying "don't jump! Stop it, you're going to get hurt"...again. The truth is, they're just not going to learn until they do fall and rake their head down the side of a red wagon of blocks. I cringe and look away or do something else until I finally hear the thud and the tears.....then, you go over and work your daddy-magic. "see, thats what happens when you're not careful, next time it could hurt worse".

I don't want my kids to be afraid to "jump" once in a while, But I'd like them to end up smart enough to look for the things that hurt if they miss and consider their options.

I'm going to have a tough time letting go when they get older, and the falls hurt worse. Heaven help the first boy that makes my girls cry.

[Pneuma]

I read though all the posts...some good advise on here. I have 2 boys so take this advise for what it is worth...

In my experience all women respond to one thing...Confidence. Without knowing you, this post reeks of a lack of confidence. Women have a 6th sense for men without confidence. Stop trying to be what you think a father is supposed to say or do. Just be yourself.

[DeezNutz]

I didn't read this thread at all before I posted, so I apologize to you bogey if I appeared to pile on. I don't mind a good pile on, but not under circumstances like these. I really do wish you the best with this situation.

Sorry, Flopnuts. Didn't mean to give that impression.

I was merely synthesizing some of the lines of thought. There wasn't any explicit repetition.

[keg in kc]

I don't have any kids. I can't stand kids, in fact. So take my advice with that in mind.

Quit trying so hard. Just relax and be yourself. Don't think about this in terms of how important it is to you, but how important it is to her. Make sure she knows you'll be there when she needs you, but let your relationship be on her terms.

That or antifreeze, as has been mentioned already.

[Katipan]

I definitely think that being a strong dependable loving father figure is a hugely big deal, everyone should try it, those that actually succeed should get their own island or amusement park or cereal. I'm so happy and proud that there are guys out there that make this a lifetime ambition.

k. That being said. I know alot of little girls that love some worthless wrecks of human beings. We want a daddy.

I don't know your daughter, but I know that having someone try to figure you out while youre in the middle of figuring yourself out is frustrating. Just leave her alone. And not alone where you ignore her and stop trying, but don't push. Don't whine. And don't make her explain why she feels why she feels about anything. Acknowledgment isn't comprehension.

If you're available, open and loving... Girls can tell. And it's all we need. If you pretend like you want to do the things we want to do, we'll pretend like we believe you.

You've had people telling you to do her type of activities and you've had people telling you to do your type of activities. You've had pushy suggestions of kidnapping (JOKE) and passive suggestions...

Pushing me at her age would have had a negative effect. Hell, pushing me now doesn't exactly inspire grand discussions.

[Bill Lundberg]

I get this. But I would love if she would want to do something just with me. She has no desire to spend time with only me. I have to force her.

Don't force it. My parents forced me to stay around home as much as possible in High School and once I got to college I never wanted to go home for anything. Not because I was out causing trouble, because "I needed to be home". Even today (I'm 33) I only go home about 2 times a year.

My wife on the other hand was allowed to go out with her friends anytime she wanted and given a pretty long leash in high school. She is closer to her family than I ever was. She said there were weekends that she just chose to stay home and hang out with her parents.

[MOhillbilly]

Pushing me at her age would have had a negative effect. Hell, pushing me now doesn't exactly inspire grand discussions.

tough shit.

[Amnorix]

I have. She doesn't really have an answer I can use. She says I try to be funny but I'm not. She hates it when I ask her too many questions, but I do that to try to strike up a conversation.

Reminds me of a great conversation I had with my two boys:

Me: Who is the funniest person you know?

Them: You (meaning me)

Me: Who are you most scared of in the world?

Them: You (meaning me)


I looked at my wife and said, "Perfect".

:D


Sorry, I can't help on the "can't connect with girls" thing. I don't have any, and wouldn't know where to start. If I can't toss them around and help them build Thomas Train Tracks and Lego castles, I'm not sure what to do with them...

[Katipan]

Sorry, I can't help on the "can't connect with girls" thing. I don't have any, and wouldn't know where to start. If I can't toss them around and help them build Thomas Train Tracks and Lego castles, I'm not sure what to do with them...

My princess loves building trains and castles.

[DeepSouth]

I have three daughters. I went through this. I learned a lot with my oldest which made it easier for the other two. Here's some of the things I did so I'd have something to relate to with my daughters.

I used to know all the valuable Beenie Babies.
I used to know the names of all the guys in the boy bands; NSYNC, Back Street Boys, 98 degrees, etc.....
Take her goofy golfing. Always lose by one point.
Take her to an arcade where you can exchange tickets for crap toys. Win a bunch of tickets and let her exchange them for the crap.
Take her and a friend to the movies but don't sit with them.

[keg in kc]

Don't force it. My parents forced me to stay around home as much as possible in High School and once I got to college I never wanted to go home for anything. Not because I was out causing trouble, because "I needed to be home". Even today (I'm 33) I only go home about 2 times a year.I'm the same way. My parents didn't keep me home so much as I did, but the end result's the same. I think the last time I went home was 2006, and I think before that it was 2003. They usually come out here once a year or so, though.

For the longest time I didn't even call. Now I try to remember to talk to them every week or two.

[keg in kc]

My princess loves building trainsThere's a 'she got that from her mommy' joke in there, but I'll let it slide this time.

[DeezNutz]

I think it was Nzoner's friend whose daughter became the pron star.

Perhaps we could get an update on that, and my advice would be to do the exact opposite of everything that parent did.

[keg in kc]

I think it was Nzoner's friend whose daughter became the pron star.

Perhaps we could get an update on that, and my advice would be to do the exact opposite of everything that parent did.I'd say it started with building 'trains' but mer might choke me out or something.

[rockymtnchief]

I take my oldest daughter to the movie once a month. She gets to pick and I don't get to bitch about her choice. Although, I did get a mean look for falling asleep during 'Enchanted'. The drive to and from gives us a chance to talk about anything and everything. Plus she thinks it's cool that she always wins at "slug-bug" while we're going down the road. (I intentionally lose).

Also, I take her geocaching in the woods. We're outside alone and the focus is on finding the cache. There's no pressure to ask about school, mom, etc... Then, of course, I let her find the cache.

[Frankie]

My sweet, wonderful, little 11 year old daughter and I don't connect. We've never really connected. I keep hearing about little girls being Daddy's little girl, but that hasn't happened with us. Last night when I was putting her to bed, she told me I try too hard. I would literally take a bullet for her. I love her deeper than I can explain. What can I do to improve our relationship? Any Dads out there with an only child that have difficulties connecting? This has been pushing on my heart for years.

All advices here are, obviously, to be taken at the best of your judgement. We are not close observers. With the limited info at my disposal, here's my 2 cents:

There's a message in "You're trying too hard." That suggests that you go out of your way to pamper her. You are probably trying to buy her with providing for her, whether it's material or with effection. There is such a thing as being too soft and too forgiving on someone. There is also such a thing as being too attentive or too providing. Do you find yourself trying to entertain her to get her out of what you perceive as her negative mood? All of those, if done too much, lose value and come off as insincere. Believe it or not, kids want to know their borders and limitations. They want balance, and not anything overdone. You probably need to try to study up on the world of preteen girls and be able to show it. If you are trying to entertain her, instead try having serious talks about her world with her starting by asking questions that demonstrate you are sincerely interested to know.. Let her trust you as a parent and confident. You may need to see a family councellor for a few sessions. I guess my message is that the magic words are balance, and respect. She does love you, I'm sure, but she wants to feel like you are a reliable authority for her as well. That will make you more strong in her eyes. She want you to provide discipline without aggression. But discipline, nevertheless. I used to just say and repeat with insistance phrases like "no, sir" to my son when his actions or demands were in my judgement beyond his bounderies. Never raised my voice at him.

Hope I'm at least in the ball park with your situation.

[DeepSouth]

I don't know if she feels the same about our relationship. I've talked about our inability to communicate, that's when she told me I try too hard. How else do I strike up a conversation? I ask her things like, how was your day at school today, what happened today to make you laugh, etc I get one word answers. She's interested in computers. I'll sit and watch her play on the computer. If I try to join in, I **** it up because I'm not good at computer games and she just gets more frustrated with me.
My ex wife actually helped me here. Whenever I'd pick them up from school I'd always ask the standard questions, "how was your day", etc.... They would give the standard, no elaborting answer, "Fine". The trick is bring up something that has nothing to do with them but you know they have an interest in. IE, I hear (boy band member) is going to be in a movie. Once you get them talking about something other than themselves, they will eventually start telling you about themselves. Or, I hear so-n-so got in a new batch of beenie babies. Want to go check it out ? It ain't easy dude. Part of it's finding out what they're interested in. The other part is figuring out how to bring it up without them thinking you're interogating them.

[Katipan]

I'd say it started with building 'trains' but mer might choke me out or something.

One of her (my princess) 1st 5 visitors when she was born was a stripper. She then had a mini baby shower in a strip club. She was the flower girl in a stripper wedding and in my own. I wasn't a stripper of couse, but my Matron of Honor was.

When you ask her if she understands what they did for a living, she'll tell you they took their clothes off and cried all the time.

I'll take it.

[keg in kc]

One of her (my princess) 1st 5 visitors when she was born was a stripper. She then had a mini baby shower in a strip club. She was the flower girl in a stripper wedding and in my own. I wasn't a stripper of couse, but my Matron of Honor was.

When you ask her if she understands what they did for a living, she'll tell you they took their clothes off and cried all the time.

I'll take it.There's an after school special in there somewhere.

Actually, you know, 'take their clothes off and cries all the time' sounds like every poor girl I've dated. None of them strippers.

[raybec 4]

I myself have two daughters one 16 and one 10. I can tell you from experience that as she gets older there are going to be many chances for you two to connect and see things the same way. There will also be many times where she won't want to be anywhere near her Dad and will hate the fact that you try to force her. Just gotta take it as it comes and focus on being there for her when she needs you.

[bogey]

There is some great, sound advise on here. For the record, Mr. Flopnuts, I didn't feel any kind of pile on.

[Frosty]

I'd love to add to the great advice but I only have two boys (age 14 and 12). I spend most of my energy these days trying to not kill the oldest one. :#

[Jilly]

Bogey - I am no expert on this, but I am a Daddy's girl. And I'm certain I have the best dad in the whole world. Here's why - he never treated my mother with disrespect, it is obvious he adores her still and would do anything for her, he has always been himself (never tried to be "cool" dad or a "friend"), he has loved me unconditionally no matter what I've done wrong, he may have been disappointed, but never closed the door, he has ALWAYS made me feel safe, and he has always felt like HOME to me, like I knew he was there to listen and give advice. My mom, my sister and I have a tendency to fly off the handle, but dad has always kept us grounded.

It wasn't anything we ever worked on and when I was twelve, we were worlds apart, but every morning at 5:30am, we talked. We talked because being morning people was something we had in common that noone else in my family shared.

I didn't mean to share too much here, but I have an incredibly healthy relationship with my dad and I thought it might help to hear why that is.

[MTG#10]

Unfortunately I cant help you because my daughter is a daddy's girl. She thinks Im hilarious and loves spending time with me. She is only 8 though, Im sure once she gets to be 12 or so it will all end and she will despise me until she's grown up.

[ZepSinger]

My sweet, wonderful, little 11 year old daughter and I don't connect. We've never really connected. I keep hearing about little girls being Daddy's little girl, but that hasn't happened with us. Last night when I was putting her to bed, she told me I try too hard. I would literally take a bullet for her. I love her deeper than I can explain. What can I do to improve our relationship? Any Dads out there with an only child that have difficulties connecting? This has been pushing on my heart for years.

I have an 11 year old daughter as well. For years, I've taken her out on a daddy/daughter date every third Saturday (when it's her turn- I also have 6 and 10 year old daughters that I do this with). We just go somewhere and have lunch or ice cream, and sit and just talk about what's going on in her life. I can't tell you how much this has improved our relationship! They look forward to that one-on-one time spent with dad like you can't imagine.

Z

[luv]

Bogey - I am no expert on this, but I am a Daddy's girl. And I'm certain I have the best dad in the whole world. Here's why - he never treated my mother with disrespect, it is obvious he adores her still and would do anything for her, he has always been himself (never tried to be "cool" dad or a "friend"), he has loved me unconditionally no matter what I've done wrong, he may have been disappointed, but never closed the door, he has ALWAYS made me feel safe, and he has always felt like HOME to me, like I knew he was there to listen and give advice. My mom, my sister and I have a tendency to fly off the handle, but dad has always kept us grounded.

It wasn't anything we ever worked on and when I was twelve, we were worlds apart, but every morning at 5:30am, we talked. We talked because being morning people was something we had in common that noone else in my family shared.

I didn't mean to share too much here, but I have an incredibly healthy relationship with my dad and I thought it might help to hear why that is.

This.

I'm a daddy's girl now that I'm grown up. I can appreciate the way he made me earn what he gave me, and taught me to appreciate something I earned that much more. I didn't like my dad growing up. He was the one that "never let us do anything" or "always said no". I now feel kinda guilty when I miss watching tv with him on Friday evenings.

It's weird. My mom was the pushover. I watched her let my brother back in over and over and over whenever all he did was lie and steal from her. Now, I feel my mom is the one that tries too hard.

[phisherman]

Bogey - I am no expert on this, but I am a Daddy's girl. And I'm certain I have the best dad in the whole world. Here's why - he never treated my mother with disrespect, it is obvious he adores her still and would do anything for her, he has always been himself (never tried to be "cool" dad or a "friend"), he has loved me unconditionally no matter what I've done wrong, he may have been disappointed, but never closed the door, he has ALWAYS made me feel safe, and he has always felt like HOME to me, like I knew he was there to listen and give advice. My mom, my sister and I have a tendency to fly off the handle, but dad has always kept us grounded.

It wasn't anything we ever worked on and when I was twelve, we were worlds apart, but every morning at 5:30am, we talked. We talked because being morning people was something we had in common that noone else in my family shared.

I didn't mean to share too much here, but I have an incredibly healthy relationship with my dad and I thought it might help to hear why that is.

sure, he kept you guys grounded, then he would unleash on me in biology class when i talked during his lectures :D ROFL

[Jilly]

sure, he kept you guys grounded, then he would unleash on me in biology class when i talked during his lectures :D ROFL

Yes, he did that on purpose just for you! Perhaps you shouldn't have been talking during his class!!!!!!! MAN!

[tooge]

I read though all the posts...some good advise on here. I have 2 boys so take this advise for what it is worth...

In my experience all women respond to one thing...Confidence. Without knowing you, this post reeks of a lack of confidence. Women have a 6th sense for men without confidence. Stop trying to be what you think a father is supposed to say or do. Just be yourself.

"I kickass princess. Lets hang out." Something like this?

[38yrsfan]

Try having a father/daughter date night where just the 2 of you go out to dinner and a movie. Sounds corny, but a really good friend of mine gave me this advice over the weekend. I just had the same conversation with him. I have 3 children with 2 of them being boys. I feel like I really connect with them, but haven't with my daughter yet. Part of the problem is that she has a personality identical to mine.

Same situation here .... my daughter and I (she is 21 now) started having our own special, dinner "dates". We would just talk about anything and everything, I actually told her things (clean, safe stuff) from my military past that I've never told my wife, she really liked that.

She has 2 younger brothers who spend a lot of time with me, which is natural.

Just keep being there, supportive but not smothering and as stated before, remember that you are a parent first and foremost.

She won't stop loving you in her own way.

[Buzz]

My son doesnt talk to me alot. My wife is more the buddy and I'm more the parent or bad guy I guess. It kinda works pretty well though as he has never been in any trouble, doesnt smoke or drink and goes to church on his own with his friends on Wednesday nights. But I'm still gonna teach that little bastage how to parallel park!

:cuss: :banghead:

[chiefsfanintx]

I'm a Daddy's girl also. He was the greatest Dad in the world to me.He never judged,was always there if I needed him and loved all his girls unconditionally. He had four of us. He passed away when I was 26. I have an 18 year old daughter who's also a Daddy's girl.She kinda started pulling away from my husband at about 12 but that didn't last long.She loves to sit and talk with her Dad,laugh at his stupid jokes,go for walks or just sit and watch t.v with him.All little girls need for their Daddy's to be their hero and love them no matter what.

[bogey]

SHE'S NOT DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL!! I take her to the archade at least every other week, just the two of us. I put her to bed every other night and I scratch her back for a few minutes before I kiss her goodnight and tell her I love her. If my wife puts her to bed, I bring in water and put it on the table beside her and give her a kiss and tell her I love her. Every night, when I get home from work I make a point to go to her and give her a kiss and ask her how was her day. Once a week I take her to school. If I don't take her to school, every morning I give her a kiss and tell her I hope she has a good day and tell her I love her. I make her breakfast 5 mornings a week. FOR YEARS I played Barbies with her until I wanted to go insane. FOR YEARS I read to her and sang to her at night. Blah, blah blah. When I was a younger man and thought about being a father, I wanted a little girl. Fatherhood has not lived up to my expectaions. I love her unconditionally. I WANT HER TO BE DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL, AND SHE'S NOT. FUCK!!

[bogey]

By the way, I do appreciate everyones advise.

[luv]

She might also be coming to an age where she needs to lean on her mom a bit more than you. Puberty is awkward. I think the key is to be patient and not push too hard.

[RJ]

Bogey, this may have been mentioned earlier, but does your wife have the sort of relationship with your daughter that you're wishing for? Or is your daughter not that way with anyone?

[bogey]

Bogey, this may have been mentioned earlier, but does your wife have the sort of relationship with your daughter that you're wishing for? Or is your daughter not that way with anyone?

Yes, my wife has the kind of relationship I was hoping for.

[wutamess]

SHE'S NOT DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL!! I take her to the archade at least every other week, just the two of us. I put her to bed every other night and I scratch her back for a few minutes before I kiss her goodnight and tell her I love her. If my wife puts her to bed, I bring in water and put it on the table beside her and give her a kiss and tell her I love her. Every night, when I get home from work I make a point to go to her and give her a kiss and ask her how was her day. Once a week I take her to school. If I don't take her to school, every morning I give her a kiss and tell her I hope she has a good day and tell her I love her. I make her breakfast 5 mornings a week. FOR YEARS I played Barbies with her until I wanted to go insane. FOR YEARS I read to her and sang to her at night. Blah, blah blah. When I was a younger man and thought about being a father, I wanted a little girl. Fatherhood has not lived up to my expectaions. I love her unconditionally. I WANT HER TO BE DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL, AND SHE'S NOT. ****!!

Dude... you DO TRY TOO HARD.
You're more of a friend than a parent.
I'm assuming there's at least 20 years of age separation and you're still trying to be her "old" friend.

Be a parent without all the touchy/feely "love you's" that grosses her out and I swear you'll win her back.

FWIW: Stop the freaking massages. That's doing nothing but spoiling her and making her unappreciative.

[LocoChiefsFan]

I feel for you. I have a 10 year old, and her and I have a great relationship. I don't think it's anything I did, it just happened. She's a bit of a tomboy and really into sports. That's our connection. I love sports and so does she. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't . Good luck though. I'm sure she'll come around.

[keg in kc]

Yes, my wife has the kind of relationship I was hoping for.Hormone therapy, maybe some breast implants, do a little silence of the lambs style tuck.

[Jenson71]

Dude... you DO TRY TOO HARD.
You're more of a friend than a parent.
I'm assuming there's at least 20 years of age separation and you're still trying to be her "old" friend.

Be a parent without all the touchy/feely "love you's" that grosses her out and I swear you'll win her back.

FWIW: Stop the freaking massages. That's doing nothing but spoiling her and making her unappreciative.

Yes, I'm inclined to agree with this advice. Parenting seems (seems, I say, being that I'm not a parent, but I do know of some) like many things in a life, a balancing act of opposing attitudes and actions. Many parents might have problems with "not being there" for their children. Either they always work or never concern themselves with their kid. On the other hand, some parents are there really too much. They are overbearing, even if it's not aggressive or dominating or violent. A kid has to have room to explore on their own. And they need to have role models to look up to, not eye to eye or down to. A role model is someone we can see from a distance deserves respect and admiration -- the bias is taken out of the equation. A good parent is not only a source of love, but someone to look up to due to the respect they have earned, even if it's true that children should respect their parents because it's God's law or a good structure for social stability.

[bogey]

Dude... you DO TRY TOO HARD.
You're more of a friend than a parent.
I'm assuming there's at least 20 years of age separation and you're still trying to be her "old" friend.

Be a parent without all the touchy/feely "love you's" that grosses her out and I swear you'll win her back.

FWIW: Stop the freaking massages. That's doing nothing but spoiling her and making her unappreciative.

Maybe. FTR, It's not a massage, I scratch her back.

[Iowanian]

I think you should back off of the night time routine. not because there is anything "Wrong" with it, but because she's at an age where its probably getting awkward for her.

rein in the lovey-dovey a little bit and see what happens.

[bogey]

I'll rein it in and see what happens.

[stevieray]

I'll rein it in and see what happens.


..let her come find you to say good night...let her make the moves first so she won't feel vulnerable..I'm not telling you to give her control of the relationship, just give her control of how she finds her relationship with you..there is no single model to go by, each kid is different...it's not like it has to be one or the other, you can still be affectionate with your daughter...but a soliid mutual foundation is needed first , and then it will come all by itself... sometimes, a tossle of the hair is enough...

[JOhn]

I think you should back off of the night time routine. not because there is anything "Wrong" with it, but because she's at an age where its probably getting awkward for her.

rein in the lovey-dovey a little bit and see what happens.

I've read a lot of the posts on here, and the thing that I notice more than anything is that all the answers are good, but not good for all kids.

I have 3 daughters, 18, 13 & 12. The oldest I was never real close too geographiclly but was always there for her to talk to. and she always knew if it was an emergency dad would be there, even if I had to drive the 1000 miles at a drop of a hat. Because of that we are close and she does talk to me about most anything.

Now my youngest, is a different story, she so much a "daddy's Girl" at times it's scary. With her, if she doesn't get 2-3 hugs a day and tucked in at night, I know she's mad at me. Being a single dad with 2 younger boys in the house I have to really make sure I make time for her, and for the most part it works out good.

Point is what works with one, doesn't work with another. the best general advice I've read is just be yourself.

[Saul Good]

Chris Rock said it in his standup routine, but he was 100% correct. Your number one job as her father is to keep her off the pole. To hell with being her friend. Most women want a male authority figure in their life that is dominant without being domineering. You need her to know that you will always be there for her and that you will always be ever so slightly too much into her business.

If you're consistent with her, you will be fine. She knows you love her, but she may never be "daddy's little girl" the way you envisioned it. That's life. You need to accept this fact. It's possible that she senses that you resent her for not being the way you want her to be. That will just drive her further away.

[Jenson71]

Chris Rock really sets the bar high for society.

[SAUTO]

But what about that whole Daddy's little girl thing. Is that just a myth?

maybe, but my little one and i are REALLY close, the older one is more attached to mom(probably because mom has to do alot to take care of her). actually me and the little one are on our own for a month(yep a whole month) and a week and a half in and we are still good;), it's been a bonding experience thats for sure and she can be REAL annoying at times but i try to be excited about the things that excite her(even though i hate spongebob and tinkerbell) and spend as much time as i can with her everyday. as a matter of fact thats how our relationship has always been. Of course she's not prepubescent and i'm actually scared that it will all change then:(. i will just try to stay relevant in her life and stay active with her. we have always done things just the 2 of us, go to the store, take her to the shop, let her hang out with me and my buddies(of course me and the boys had to talk about language and for the most part they do ok, i cuss like a sailor sometimes so its noy like she's never heard it but still) just do things to make her feel like you have things in common

[Sure-Oz]

I'm not a dad, but chill the fugg out...be there when she needs it.

[SAUTO]

Now my youngest, is a different story, she so much a "daddy's Girl" at times it's scary. With her, if she doesn't get 2-3 hugs a day and tucked in at night, I know she's mad at me. .

same here

[Mosbonian]

Not much more to say that hasn't already been said....

My daughter turned 13 in January and thankfully my wife prepared me for the complete change....she is still Daddy's Little Girl, but we have taken different directions. But oddly, we have grown even closer. Every night when I arrive home from work I still get my 'welcome home daddy" hug, we spend 20 or 30 minutes talking about her day (longer if she wants) and then she drifts off to her room for finishing her homework and social networking via her texting her friends.

We still do Father/Daughter things...I go with her and her mom sometimes when they want me to go shopping with them and express my displeasure when I see too much skin. I watch American Idol with her even though I detest the program....I make sure that I take time to be there for her plays, piano recitals, and choir practices. I don't smother her, but I never let the leash get out of my sight.

You know how I know I am doing OK as a Dad....it's when I hear her say, "Dad, I may love you, but I don't like you right now" and she storms off onto her room to pout. Then, as it's time to go to bed, her night isn't complete without 5 minutes alone to cover the rest of the items she may have missed earlier in the evening.

I'm not perfect....just working on it.

mmaddog
*******

[JOhn]

maybe, but my little one and i are REALLY close, the older one is more attached to mom(probably because mom has to do alot to take care of her). actually me and the little one are on our own for a month(yep a whole month) and a week and a half in and we are still good;), it's been a bonding experience thats for sure and she can be REAL annoying at times but i try to be excited about the things that excite her(even though i hate spongebob and tinkerbell) and spend as much time as i can with her everyday. as a matter of fact thats how our relationship has always been. Of course she's not prepubescent and i'm actually scared that it will all change then:(. i will just try to stay relevant in her life and stay active with her. we have always done things just the 2 of us, go to the store, take her to the shop, let her hang out with me and my buddies(of course me and the boys had to talk about language and for the most part they do ok, i cuss like a sailor sometimes so its noy like she's never heard it but still) just do things to make her feel like you have things in common

I was surprised how that all took place with my daughter. When she started her "thing", she had to share all about it with me. Of course being a single parent I have to play the "mom" role at times as she isn't close with her mom at all. But It really made me feel like I was a pretty good parent, flaws and all, to know she was comfortable talking to me about it. Heck I don't even mind going to the store to by her products. :shrug:

[KCinNY]

I'm lucky....my two little princesses are 3 and 1. They're still in the Daddy-worship phase.

I'm dreading the future.

[ZepSinger]

Here's something else you can do to break the ice; just be plain ol' silly with her. Sometimes, on a whim, I'll crank up some techno dance music on the stereo and just dance like a frickin' goofball with her- never ceases to make her laugh.

Z

[cdcox]

bogey, I (mostly) have the connection with my daughter that you seek. We enjoy spending time together doing things we mutually enjoy. We have a similar sense of humor, enjoy similar movies, etc. I cultivated this relationship by doing many of the things you've described. Worked better for me than it did for you.

However, my daughter has a combination of medical/emotional/psychological conditions that don't allow her to function as a normal 18 yo should. Without going into details, we are now 4 years or so into this situation and it is now endangering her future with respect to education, her ability to get and maintain a decent job, and her ability to function as an independent adult in the future. Most immediately, she is facing a situation where she may not be able to continue her health insurance, which she desperately needs given her medical conditions.

This situation -- some of which is beyond her control and some of which is not -- has been persistent over the last four years and is now culminating in the endangerment of her future. As you can imagine, it has placed an enormous stress on our entire family, but especially between me and my daughter. Our communication rate on this issue has dropped to 10-20%. I rarely initiate conversations about these issues, and when I do she is almost always is resistive. She knows how I feel and she knows the situation that she is in, so me bringing it up on a more frequent basis wouldn't serve much purpose, other than to increase her anxiety about the issue.

From my perspective, I'd gladly exchange some of the connection between my daughter and I in order for her to have a brighter future as an independent adult. Our connection is valuable to me, for her own good I'd rather her be able to be independent. But the trade off between our connection and her independence isn't a decision that is available to me. As a family, we're dealing with these many issues the best we can. But in this case, doing your best doesn't guarantee success. That is what makes parenting so hard.

From my experience, this is the essence of parenting:

1) Doing the right things for your kids (the easy things and the hard things) that help them develop to be independent adults

2) Maintaining steadfast love for your kids regardless of how effective of the outcome of your parenting

3) Don't let your disappointment affect whatever relationship you have with your kids.

Do the best you can under your circumstances. Change the things that are under your control, but come to peace with those that are not.

[Jim Jones]

Dude... you DO TRY TOO HARD.
You're more of a friend than a parent.
I'm assuming there's at least 20 years of age separation and you're still trying to be her "old" friend.

Be a parent without all the touchy/feely "love you's" that grosses her out and I swear you'll win her back.

FWIW: Stop the freaking massages. That's doing nothing but spoiling her and making her unappreciative.

Basically this post hits the nail on the head.

She can smell desperation and if you're half as desperate in real life as you come off on the board, honestly, you're probably pushing her away further. The back scratches, the awkward kisses and 10 I love you's a day have got to stop. She knows you love her, you don't need to act like a boy from school who is trying to win her over. You're the parent, act like it and she'll respect you.

[skky man]

Try having a father/daughter date night where just the 2 of you go out to dinner and a movie. Sounds corny, but a really good friend of mine gave me this advice over the weekend. I just had the same conversation with him. I have 3 children with 2 of them being boys. I feel like I really connect with them, but haven't with my daughter yet. Part of the problem is that she has a personality identical to mine.


One time my daughter had a brownie father daughter dance and asked me to come. I said that I would. On the day of the dance I stopped and got a cornation and picked her up and told her that I would be honored if I could be the first guy to pin a flower on her. Anyway the night went on and was fun! I didn't think a lot of it at the time but a few months later she wrote a story for young authors and it was entitled My date with dad! I was amazed how much it ment to her.

[bogey]

What I'm getting from this, is I have unrealistic expectaions about father daughter bonding and have been trying too hard to get her to meet MY expectations. I will pull back and let the relationship develope based on what we both expect, rather than what I hoped for. That being said, all I want in our relationship is for her to know that I will always be there and will always protect her and I have unconditional love for her. As I said early on, I would literally take a bullet for her. Thanks again folks for your invauable input. There was plenty of shit thrown against the wall, and much of it stuck.

[EyePod]

Try having a father/daughter date night where just the 2 of you go out to dinner and a movie. Sounds corny, but a really good friend of mine gave me this advice over the weekend. I just had the same conversation with him. I have 3 children with 2 of them being boys. I feel like I really connect with them, but haven't with my daughter yet. Part of the problem is that she has a personality identical to mine.

That sucks. Normally, when someone has a personality just like you, you really clash. You see everything that you don't like in yourself in them. Good luck.

[Hog's Gone Fishin]

Maybe she's frustrated because she can't figure out how to remove the Gay Porn screensaver you put on her computer ?

[bogey]

Maybe she's frustrated because she can't figure out how to remove the Gay Porn screensaver you put on her computer ?

Yea, that could be it.

[RJ]

What I'm getting from this, is I have unrealistic expectaions about father daughter bonding and have been trying too hard to get her to meet MY expectations. I will pull back and let the relationship develope based on what we both expect, rather than what I hoped for. That being said, all I want in our relationship is for her to know that I will always be there and will always protect her and I have unconditional love for her. As I said early on, I would literally take a bullet for her. Thanks again folks for your invauable input. There was plenty of shit thrown against the wall, and much of it stuck.


Bogey, best of luck, I think you're giving yourself some good advice there.

Obviously, you love the kid very much, which tells me it will all work out just fine.

I feel where you're coming from. My daughter is five. I love her so much it makes my brain hurt. She is the love and the light and the soul of my life.

Obviously, you feel much the same, otherwise you would not have started this thread. While she may not show it, I'm sure your little girl is smart enough to recognize how much you love her and does appreciate that on some level.

[Rausch]

Any Dads out there with an only child that have difficulties connecting?

Yeah, I can probably relate to that one.

The important thing isn't that you get everything right beause you never will. And no matter what you do there will be ages where everything you do is wrong.

Just the way it is.

What you, and her, will always remember is that you never quit trying...

[Rausch]

What I'm getting from this, is I have unrealistic expectaions about father daughter bonding and have been trying too hard to get her to meet MY expectations.

Pretty much.

Odds are she's just a normal kid and you a normal parent.

Given my choice as a child I'd prefer time with the Intellivision over whatever the fuck my parents wanted to do with me...

[wutamess]

Any Dads out there with an only child that have difficulties connecting?

THAT'S IT! I finally put my finger on your situation... she's an only child. Your pride and joy. Now I know why she gets all the back rubs/Iluvyous/etc. Let this be a lesson to the others that only have 1 child of the problems you & that child could potentially have.

It's not necessarily a problem, but it is when you have all your eggs in one basket. For instance I have 4 and 1 on the way (probably overkill). I just found out what causes it (concussions)- my wife has clobbered me over the head and drug me into a cave 4 times (12yo's a step daughter). Everytime I've had a concussion, she's pregnant. We still we have 4 incredibly healthy and well rounded kids. They all fight for attention because it's hard to give them one on one attention. I'd like to think we're closer to the kids than if there was only one of them. They're a joy to watch every freaking day. And each day is a new joy, challenge and learning opportunity to grow together.

On the other hand, my cousin (we keep trying to talk him into having another one) has 1 boy. He tries to think of different stuff to do with his kid every Sunday costing tons of money when all the child should be doing is free stuff like PLAYING with other kids. OR, he'll bring his child over to my house to play with my kids and try to say that they're like brothers and sisters. IT'S NOT THE SAME.

What's worse is, he's 1 of 3 kids. He lost one of his sisters a year and a half ago to colon cancer (32 yo) and he's still putting all his eggs in 1 basket. Not saying he's right or wrong but I think if you're going to have 1 everyone should at least have 2. Having only 1 child you're asking for problems.

If "can't afford it" is the excuse... there's never a good time to afford children so you might as well just do the damn thang.

Having said all that... I'm going for my urologist consultation next month so my wife will stop giving me concussions that make her pregnant.

my $.02

[Mecca]

Well man I dunno she seems to connect to me pretty well.......badumdumsha

Yes it's a joke no one freak out.

[Phobia]

Well man I dunno she seems to connect to me pretty well.......badumdumsha

Yes it's a joke no one freak out.

Oh it's definitely funny. You're a funny guy - in a creepy "I like to make sexual jokes about 11 year old girls" kind of way.

[Mecca]

There is humor in everything...

[Phobia]

Well, I like to think so.

Except for that. That's not funny whatsoever. That's like making a prostate exam joke to a guy who was brutally sodomized by a priest. It's not funny at all.

[Katipan]

Well, I like to think so.

Except for that. That's not funny whatsoever. That's like making a prostate exam joke to a guy who was brutally sodomized by a priest. It's not funny at all.

Very holey.

[Mecca]

Very holey.

LMAO

I'd make that joke to his face and to Phobia's face as well, it's a joke nothing more. It makes it a better joke to see someone get worked up about it though.

[Katipan]

LMAO

I'd make that joke to his face and to Phobia's face as well, it's a joke nothing more. It makes it a better joke to see someone get worked up about it though.

Some things just strike too close to the heart. Every joke hurts someone.

[jAZ]

In many ways, this is among the best thread I've ever seen on ChiefsPlanet.

This is what this site can be at it's very best.

I have nothing to contribute to the topic, but as a relatively new father, I too think about how to be a great dad. So I appreciate where you are coming from and I can imagine the heartache of not being able to connect.

And I think some of the respones are wonderful. They reflect a humanity that you don't often see on display with this depth on a football board.

You've touched a nerve here, and I think the planet is better for having this discussion.

I hope the advice works for you, because anyone who cares like you do, and seeks to be a great father like you do, deserves the best.

[jAZ]

SHE'S NOT DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL!! I take her to the archade at least every other week, just the two of us. I put her to bed every other night and I scratch her back for a few minutes before I kiss her goodnight and tell her I love her. If my wife puts her to bed, I bring in water and put it on the table beside her and give her a kiss and tell her I love her. Every night, when I get home from work I make a point to go to her and give her a kiss and ask her how was her day. Once a week I take her to school. If I don't take her to school, every morning I give her a kiss and tell her I hope she has a good day and tell her I love her. I make her breakfast 5 mornings a week. FOR YEARS I played Barbies with her until I wanted to go insane. FOR YEARS I read to her and sang to her at night. Blah, blah blah. When I was a younger man and thought about being a father, I wanted a little girl. Fatherhood has not lived up to my expectaions. I love her unconditionally. I WANT HER TO BE DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL, AND SHE'S NOT. ****!!

When my son was born, I had more than a few people tell me that having boys is harder when they are young. Having girls is harder when they get older. I never quite understood what they were talking about. I suspect that this is a good example of one way that might be true.

[jAZ]

Well man I dunno she seems to connect to me pretty well.......badumdumsha

Yes it's a joke no one freak out.

So much for that humanity comment I made.

[MahiMike]

quit tryin to be a friend and be a parent.

I disagree. I want to be my kid's BFF.

[MahiMike]

This is a good one. It's one most dad's have struggled with on daughters. I feel the same way with mine. Mine is 15 now and still looks up to me and respects me but we'll never be as close as me and my son (10). For me, I don't relate well to women - period. I'm much more comfortable around other men - young or old.

A big issue is finding things in common. She's not too athletic so playing ball is out. Even just working out is a chore with girls. They'd rather stay inside instead of go out. Drives me nuts. I think both me and my daughter realize this and don't fret it too much.

Instead, I try to focus on what she likes and encourage these things even if I don't care much for them. I try to do a father-daughter night once a quarter where we go to a dinner/movie/concert together. Her mom isn't in to those things so this is OUR time together.

You might approach a monthly lunch or something like that where it's just you two. Don't worry if you're not "Connecting". She'll appreciate you just the same.

[Iowanian]

...and you wonder why I think you're a dbag.

I almost made a joke about connecting with her before she ended up chatting with Mecca on yahoo, but thought better of it.

Make jokes to the face of fathers about sexing up their minor daughters and see what happens.



Well man I dunno she seems to connect to me pretty well.......badumdumsha

Yes it's a joke no one freak out.

[bogey]

Well, if anything, I don't feel so alone. Everyone has struggles raising children that aren't necessarily the parents fault. I have been feeling like I must be doing something wrong. Apparently, I'm trying to hard. That, I can fix. Oh and Mecca, you're a douche, but I wasn't offended.

[jidar]

SHE'S NOT DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL!! I take her to the archade at least every other week, just the two of us. I put her to bed every other night and I scratch her back for a few minutes before I kiss her goodnight and tell her I love her. If my wife puts her to bed, I bring in water and put it on the table beside her and give her a kiss and tell her I love her. Every night, when I get home from work I make a point to go to her and give her a kiss and ask her how was her day. Once a week I take her to school. If I don't take her to school, every morning I give her a kiss and tell her I hope she has a good day and tell her I love her. I make her breakfast 5 mornings a week. FOR YEARS I played Barbies with her until I wanted to go insane. FOR YEARS I read to her and sang to her at night. Blah, blah blah. When I was a younger man and thought about being a father, I wanted a little girl. Fatherhood has not lived up to my expectaions. I love her unconditionally. I WANT HER TO BE DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL, AND SHE'S NOT. ****!!

I read this and just felt sorry for her.
You're like a needy clingy ex-boyfriend except she can't get a restraining order against you. What do you do when the fruitcake is your dad?

edit: BTW... I didn't post this the first time because I thought it was tasteless... but now that other people have said worse, what the fuck. I just went on a classic literature binge and read Lolita last week and this was like something straight out of that book. Seriously. It could have been a copy and paste.

[Mecca]

I enjoy how any family joke will bring out Phobia and Iowanian to discuss what a "dbag" you are, it's quite amusing.

[ziggysocki]

I enjoy how any family joke will bring out Phobia and Iowanian to discuss what a "dbag" you are, it's quite amusing.

Honestly If you don't want people to call you a douchebag, don't be a douchebag

[Mecca]

Honestly If you don't want people to call you a douchebag, don't be a douchebag

I could careless it makes me laugh how any kind of family joke will get that same response every time, it's like shooting fish in a barrel of people who take themselves to seriously sometimes.

[keg in kc]

I enjoy making cracks as much as anybody, but a thread where a guy is begging for help in connecting to his 11-year old daughter probably isn't the best place for a pedo joke.

[Mecca]

I enjoy making cracks as much as anybody, but a thread where a guy is begging for help in connecting to his 11-year old daughter probably isn't the best place for a pedo joke.

True comedy has no limits!

[wutamess]

I read this and just felt sorry for her.
You're like a needy clingy ex-boyfriend except she can't get a restraining order against you. What do you do when the fruitcake is your dad?

ROFL... I literally have to restrain from LOL because I'm at work. Tears are rolling.

[wutamess]

True comedy has no limits!

It was tasteless but this is a bb so it should be taken the way bogey took it and others who have problems with it should STFU.

[Mecca]

Every heavy thread needs some good light hearted humor to lighten the mood. Nothing is ever as bad as it's perceived at the time.

[Iowanian]

yeah, pedophile jokes about a guy's daughter are ALWAYS hi-larry-us.

[Mecca]

yeah, pedophile jokes about a guy's daughter are ALWAYS hi-larry-us.

As funny as you making one about me right? But you don't see me flipping out...

[bogey]

I read this and just felt sorry for her.
You're like a needy clingy ex-boyfriend except she can't get a restraining order against you. What do you do when the fruitcake is your dad?

edit: BTW... I didn't post this the first time because I thought it was tasteless... but now that other people have said worse, what the ****. I just went on a classic literature binge and read Lolita last week and this was like something straight out of that book. Seriously. It could have been a copy and paste.

What I wrote doesn't translate to well. I often (daily) tell her that I love her. If that's bad in your mind so be it.

[Mecca]

What I wrote doesn't translate to well. I often (daily) tell her that I love her. If that's bad in your mind so be it.

Here I'll be serious for a moment....you shouldn't do that, your daughter is going to play you if she isn't already.

You should want your childs respect not their friendship at the age of 11.

[bogey]

I read this and just felt sorry for her.
You're like a needy clingy ex-boyfriend except she can't get a restraining order against you. What do you do when the fruitcake is your dad?

edit: BTW... I didn't post this the first time because I thought it was tasteless... but now that other people have said worse, what the ****. I just went on a classic literature binge and read Lolita last week and this was like something straight out of that book. Seriously. It could have been a copy and paste.

Oh, by the way, fuck you. You can kiss my ass.

[bogey]

Here I'll be serious for a moment....you shouldn't do that, your daughter is going to play you if she isn't already.

You should want your childs respect not their friendship at the age of 11.

I am not looking for her friendship. Maybe you people say I love you hoping in your mind to get something back. I don't. I say I love her because I want her to know I love her.

[Mecca]

That's something that they should know, you shouldn't have to say it 1000 times or you become like that weird boyfriend that tells his girlfriend that to many times.

You need to scale back a bit, even your daughter is telling you that you're trying to hard.

[bogey]

That's something that they should know, you shouldn't have to say it 1000 times or you become like that weird boyfriend that tells his girlfriend that to many times.

You need to scale back a bit, even your daughter is telling you that you're trying to hard.

I am scaling back. I'm not scaling back on telling her I love her.

[bogey]

By the way, I generally tell her twice a day. I tell her before she leaves for school, and I tell her before she goes to sleep at night.

[bogey]

Oh and jidar... fuck you!!!

[Jim Jones]

I am scaling back. I'm not scaling back on telling her I love her.

You think if you don't tell her one day she'll forget that you love her or something?

[bogey]

You think if you don't tell her one day she'll forget that you love her or something?

yes... no. fuck. Okay, I'll scale back on the "I love you's", too. Jeeze! I think it's because I'm an older father and to me, she's still my little girl. I need to let her grow up.

[stevieray]

yes... no. ****. Okay, I'll scale back on the "I love you's", too. Jeeze! I think it's because I'm an older father and to me, she's still my little girl. I need to let her grow up.there are tons of ways to say it without actually saying it...

you need to quit being hard on yourself too...that stuff will eat you up, consume your thoughts and it''ll come out and can make matters worse...there is a reason we get them as babies, cause we're babies at being parents too...

one day at a time...

[Iowanian]

You're trying. That alone is more than too many "fathers" can say.

[bogey]

Quite honestly, I've been beating the hell out of myself over this. I know she loves me, without me saying it. I want to be her "super spectacular most awesome Dad in the history of the universe", and that's not going to happen. I'm just going to be Dad.

[keg in kc]

Quite honestly, I've been beating the hell out of myself over this. I know she loves me, without me saying it. I want to be her "super spectacular most awesome Dad in the history of the universe", and that's not going to happen. I'm just going to be Dad.Stressing about it'll just make it worse, add more underlying tension to the situation. Just relax and be yourself. You'll be fine.

[ModSocks]

You're trying. That alone is more than too many "fathers" can say.

QFT

[stevieray]

I'm just going to be Dad.

....which will make you Super Dad in the long run...


you've been setting the bar too high IMO....

I think we as fathers want to be great Dads, especially if our fathers didn't...if that applies...don't get caught in that trap..deep down we all know what is right/wrong...

[ModSocks]

Bogey, It already sounds like you're twice the father than a lot of others out there. I'm not old enough to be giving YOU any parenting advice, but i can tell you what not to do. As many may already know, my father was a POS blah blah blah.

But, he did set an example of what not to be. Be everything my dad wasn't

Just be there for her. Put a roof over her head and food in her mouth and clothes on her back. Make sure education is a priority. Then, when she's 20-something, she may come around and realize how great of a father you were. Then maybe you'll have the relationship you always wanted. Don't force the issue. She may never click with you. Ever. You'll have to accept that. You may always be "lame-ol'e dad."

Don't loose sight of what's most important; which is her well-being. Over time, the rest should fall in place, especially if you raise a smart girl. Ultimatley, a great father is a father that gave there child every chance to succeed. I think if you stick with that, it'll happen for ya. If that relationship never develops, at least you can say you did a good job and raised a great daughter.

If you raise her to be a good, morale person with family values, then she'll love you regardless. I'm not sure if that helps you at all, but that's my 1 cent at least. Take it FWIW

[jidar]

Oh and jidar... **** you!!!

Damn Humbert settle down.

[bogey]

Damn Humbert settle down.


I'm not familiar with the story, but from reading excerpts, Humbert sounds like a sick man obsessed with a 14 year old. Seriously man, this is the only time I've been pushed to the level of pissed off that I am on this BB. If I ever get the wonderful oppertunity to meet you in person, I will beat the fuck out of you.

[bogey]

Damn Humbert settle down.

If you ever attend a CP function, do not reveal yourself to strangers. One of them may be me. Seriously.

[chiefforlife]

There are some serious assholes on here. There are some good people too. Bogey, you ARE a GOOD Dad. Every kid and every Father are different, weigh good advice and apply what you think may help.
I am about to turn 42 and I have 9 and 4 year old daughters. I am not like any of their friends fathers and it doesnt matter. Its hard to comment on your situation without knowing you and your daughter. Be careful about listening to posters on a message board. The fact that you care so much will, and probably already does show to her. She may not show it to you the way you wish she would but I guarantee she loves you.

[reiko57]

i tell my fiance i want kids but i'm secretly hoping i'm sterile

[keg in kc]

i tell my fiance i want kids but i'm secretly hoping i'm sterilerofl

[ziggysocki]

I'm not familiar with the story, but from reading excerpts, Humbert sounds like a sick man obsessed with a 14 year old. Seriously man, this is the only time I've been pushed to the level of pissed off that I am on this BB. If I ever get the wonderful oppertunity to meet you in person, I will beat the fuck out of you.

You must not be familiar with the "The Man Jacks" thread (http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=191927&highlight=Royals+Game). But seriously, you shouldn't get so upset about something so obviously not true... It is just that your desperation makes it seem a little creepy...

[Cntrygal]

bogey, I hope things work out for you all... But while in your mind, your 11 year old daughter is your LITTLE girl - I would imagine that she doesn't feel like she's a little girl. After all, she's closing in on becoming a "tween" (isn't that what they call a "pre-teenager?). I understand that she'll always be "your little girl", but you can't treat her as one. (the nightly back scratching definately should go... she's not 5 anymore).

Good Luck!

[bogey]

bogey, I hope things work out for you all... But while in your mind, your 11 year old daughter is your LITTLE girl - I would imagine that she doesn't feel like she's a little girl. After all, she's closing in on becoming a "tween" (isn't that what they call a "pre-teenager?). I understand that she'll always be "your little girl", but you can't treat her as one. (the nightly back scratching definately should go... she's not 5 anymore).

Good Luck!

Thanks.

[Rausch]

i tell my fiance i want kids but i'm secretly hoping i'm sterile

It's cool. I understand.

We've got a prayer thread here about you being sterile...

[Phobia]

I could careless it makes me laugh how any kind of family joke will get that same response every time, it's like shooting fish in a barrel of people who take themselves to seriously sometimes.

Me? Taking myself too seriously? That's laughable.

But if I've become predictable and prudish with my objections to inappropriate comments about pre-teen daughters I'll wear it as a badge of honor.

I guess it's probably one thing for you to say that to a very close friend in jest but I don't think that's the case here. I think you're just dipping your toe in the water to test the temperature but now some sharks are gnawing on your leg.

[reiko57]

It's cool. I understand.

We've got a prayer thread here about you being sterile...

people who believe in god are just retarded, i wish it were all real so we could meet in hell and i could have a hardy laugh but its not, and you morons are nothing but worm food, so enjoy your fat wives and disrespectful kids because its all you get.

[DaneMcCloud]

people who believe in god are just retarded, i wish it were all real so we could meet in hell and i could have a hardy laugh but its not, and you morons are nothing but worm food, so enjoy your fat wives and disrespectful kids because its all you get.

This guy rules. :rolleyes:

Midnight Vulture 2.0?

[Halfcan]

Parenting is the most passive/aggressive thing you'll ever do, Mr. bogey.

Don't push. Don't cling. But always, always be there to listen no matter how insignificant the conversation may be. You don't have to talk - in fact, the less you speak, the better. But listen patiently. In time, your relationship will change for the better.

That's my advice.

FAX

:clap::clap: good advice

[bigbucks24]

Nice thread. I have 2 comments.

1. Ask Mom. Sounds like she may be talking to Mom. Mom probably has a much better bead on your daughter than those of us on the BB. Maybe she can help.

2. Sounds like you want her to be Daddy's little girl to make you feel better. Shouldn't it be what is best for her and what she wants? What if she doesnt want a Daddy's Little Girl relationship with you? If you really love her and would take a bullet for her, do what is best for her. I have daughters 19 and 20. Neither one was a Daddy's girl. I would have like it, but only because it would make me feel like a King. And that is very selfish on my part. I learned in parenting that being a parent isn't about me.

BTW, I found that the 12 year old stage was very tough. I also found that our relationship was very different at times. Some times very close and endearing. Other times very distant. I just figured it is what it is.

And isn't it interesting that as kids, we are so worried about our parents approving of us. And when we get to be parents, we are so worried about our kids approving of us?