Texts from last night

[Silock]

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Don't care if repost, this is funny shit

A few gems:

(440): I love you
(720): are you drunk
(440): yes but I def love you, we should get married
(720): But I'm Jewish
(440): embrace Jesus

(864): Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.

(619): i miss you so much
(858): i miss you too
(858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

(586): White guys get excited about tits
(586): I've always analogized fake boobs to dinosaurs in jurrasic park
(586): Meaning I know they're not real but they still make me happy
(586): But guys misperceive them as a girl being easy
(586): I mean if I spent $5000 on my dick I'd wanna get the return on my investment

(914): ? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
(773): jesus mom

(310): Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?

(504): dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
(985): doesn't he have a girlfriend???
(504): yeah...who do you think woke us up...

(703): How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.

(215): Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

(337): Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency

(209): Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night

(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.

(917): Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
(212): Vagina

(773): When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
(312): Prob not but she was surprised

(314): Someone's got a whale tail
(1-314): A thong is hangin out?
(314): No, a fatty following them

(212): Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles

(478): This is not my ceiling

(225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
(504): Who won?
(225): All of them.

(402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
(1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that

(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.

(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie

[Mr. Flopnuts]

LOL

[kcfanXIII]

that site is great.

[Jilly]

damn it, I wish I could remember that!! HA HA HA!!!!!!

[Dartgod]

(773): When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
(312): Prob not but she was surprised
ROFL

[MOhillbilly]

(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.


lol- sounds like me.

[Hammock Parties]

Here are a select few from my phone:

"Tap that booty today."

"I'm sober if you wanna call."

"She's nineteen, weezie!"

"Charlotte wants my cock!"

"Sry bro. I'm semi-drunk and needed a friend."

"Just get me Dane McDufflebag's ass # pronto"

[OnTheWarpath15]

(509): Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

(212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

(215): May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night

(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?
(1-314): haha like two months ago
(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

[Mile High Mania]

"(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am."

This one made me chuckle... reminds me of a time or two just after college.

[OnTheWarpath15]

(513): Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide

[tooge]

Mine are always things like "dude, ur a tool"

[OnTheWarpath15]

(336): Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

(208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

[MOhillbilly]

(208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

i put ramen noodle in the nuker for 99.99 then passed out.

[whatsmynameagain]

4/27):
This mother fucker is blabbing on his cell phone in the john, wtf!!! Talking about his fucking facebook and bible camp
Posted via Mobile Device

[Fish]

LMAO

(507): drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to

[chiefs1111]

good stuff

[JD10367]

4/27):
This mother ****er is blabbing on his cell phone in the john, wtf!!! Talking about his ****ing facebook and bible camp

:::bang bang bang::: "Dammit, Tony Dungy! Shut the #$^& up over there already, I'm trying to drop a load here!"

[kaplin42]

i have been reading for awhile. some really good stuff.

One of my favorites is an old one, so I don't remember the area code

(xxx) My room smells like vodka and shame.

[sedated]

yet another site that is blocked from work. fukn fascists.

[Buzz]

yet another site that is blocked from work. fukn fascists.


yep, same here...

[kstater]

4/27):
This mother fucker is blabbing on his cell phone in the john, wtf!!! Talking about his fucking facebook and bible camp
Posted via Mobile Device

I've heard that happen while using the restroom. I always flush to make sure whoever they are talking to knows.

[morphius]

Only f'd up message on my phone:

Proposing a new sTc member: Mistress BowChickaBowWow who's power is the ability to suck ANYTHING into her (his) ass. Abruptura votes YES, how do you vote?


I hate my life.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Here are a select few from my phone:

"Tap that booty today."

"I'm sober if you wanna call."

"She's nineteen, weezie!"

"Charlotte wants my cock!"

"Sry bro. I'm semi-drunk and needed a friend."

"Just get me Dane McDufflebag's ass # pronto"

LMAO I'll claim one of those, albeit the least funny one.

[bdeg]

Only f'd up message on my phone:


I hate my life.
wow, dude.....

no offense, but damn

[Baby Lee]

They have an App for that. ROFL - I smell a commercial.

[morphius]

wow, dude.....

no offense, but damn
No offense taken at all, 'cause I looked at that one for a while thinking, "Dude, don't text me when you're high". Its probably good you don't know the rest of that story.

[The Franchise]

(415): How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome

[Valiant]

(336): Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

(208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

Ahh.. My old roommates came home drunk during the week.. I have to be up at 4am so I did not go out.. Well I come out of my room, house is covered in about two feet of smoke on the ceiling.. I go into the kitchen..

Those fuckers : A, used my pizza's(more expensive then theirs) and B, did not take them out of the box and stuck them in the oven.. The whole thing burnt around the pizza pitch black except for the glossy name..

Go into the living room, the two of them are passed out on the couch's, they somehow manage to sleep in all the smoke..

I went to work and had them clean.. Or so I thought, I come back from work about 2pm and they are still passed out, but the doors are open at least..

[The Franchise]

(904): Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
(1-904): wtf?
(904): It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

[kstater]

(323): this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
(765): call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

[kstater]

407): I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"

[SPchief]

LMAO

(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?

[SPchief]

713): We need to get cat food
(713): Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

[WhitiE]

this may have been posted but i dont care.....

(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?

[Baby Lee]

Two posts prior - ROFL ROFL
LMAO

(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?
this may have been posted but i dont care.....

(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?

[Silock]

(775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

[SPchief]

(405): Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
(918): You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
(405): I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

[salame]

(619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

[salame]

(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.


(323): You got in a fight last night?
(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

(612): I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

(703): Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'

[Coach]

LMAO

(507): drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to

That sounds like Demon, for sure.

[morphius]

(323): You got in a fight last night?
(818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
(323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?


That was one of my fav's.

[kepp]

(504): loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
(314): you don't even go to loyola anymore

[Sully]

(508): dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
(617): that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

[Gonzo]

ROFL ROFL

(616): David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
(773): Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian

[Gonzo]

(585): Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick

[Gonzo]

(850): Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

[Silock]

Special 913 edition:

Okay, who on here was THIS?

(913): Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
(1-913): You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.

(913): I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

(913): i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
(816): i think im in thre room next to you

(913): U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.

[Silock]

And the 816 edition:

(816): Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.

(816): If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.

(816): I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.

(816): I really want to fuck my wifes sister.

(805): bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...

(816): She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.

(816): you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
(636): you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?

(816): In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance

(816): My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

[Silock]

(316): I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
(785): He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

[Hammock Parties]

That chick must be really hot.

[Mr. Plow]

(+61): yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.

[88TG88]

(310): he wants to bone in the snuggie

[Baby Lee]

(310): he wants to bone in the snuggie

That MIGHT be my favorite ROFL ROFL ROFL

[HC_Chief]

(405): Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
(918): You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a ****ing bush.
(405): I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

ROFL

[Mr. Plow]

(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

[Mr. Plow]

(317): I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

[Fish]

(603): Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
(1-603): The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

(212): Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.

(510): just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?