Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female

[wutamess]

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

[Hootie]

well I'll tell you one thing...

she's going to be super embarrassed when she finds out you know "how far she's been"...and she's going to be really angry you invaded her personal space...

but shit...13? I still think that's your right. 15? You might need to step back a little and make your wife have "the talk"...

13?

Yikes man...I don't know. Tough situation...glad I'm not a parent.

[jd1020]

First serious comment out of the way...

Just do what parents do when they catch their kid smoking. They go buy a pack and make them smoke the whole thing. In your case...........

[Rams Fan]

Take the phone away from her for 2 weeks and have her talk with her mother about how far she's been and her grinding on someone at a dance.

[pr_capone]

The last thing you want to do is overreact to her budding sexuality. Have a conversation with the wife, then have a conversation with the kid. Time without the phone is likely warranted but flat shutting it down will only make her not want to talk you guys about sex in the future.

[luv]

well I'll tell you one thing...

she's going to be super embarrassed when she finds out you know "how far she's been"...and she's going to be really angry you invaded her personal space...

but shit...13? I still think that's your right. 15? You might need to step back a little and make your wife have "the talk"...

13?

Yikes man...I don't know. Tough situation...glad I'm not a parent.

No way I'd wait until 15 to have "the talk." She's already frenching guys and talking about her cup size.

[Hammock Parties]

I'd let your wife handle it. She made the bed, now she has to lie in it.

[Sassy Squatch]

You need to have a conversation with Chris Hanson. Seriously. If she acts like this at 13 fucking years old, you might have a problem. Of course, it could also be her "exaggerating" things in a way to make herself appear more attractive.

[wutamess]

well I'll tell you one thing...

she's going to be super embarrassed when she finds out you know "how far she's been"...and she's going to be really angry you invaded her personal space...

but shit...13? I still think that's your right. 15? You might need to step back a little and make your wife have "the talk"...

13?

Yikes man...I don't know. Tough situation...glad I'm not a parent.

We've had the talk years ago. I know it's normal part of growing up but damn that's my lil girl. I've hard it before but now it's hitting home. I'm really lost at what to do. I do know I'm about 80% sure I wanna cut the phone line. Unless wife deems it justifiable.

[luv]

First serious comment out of the way...

Just do what parents do when they catch their kid smoking. They go buy a pack and make them smoke the whole thing. In your case...........

My dad made my brother eat a cigarette. I'm not continuing where you were going with the thought though...lol.

[jspchief]

So what is the issue? The boy or the phone?

I can think of a lot of good reasons for a 13 year old to have a phone, mainly that she is always a call away, so no good reason for you to not know where she is and whats she's doing.

As for the boy... first you'd have to tell her you went through her phone which could be a whole other can of worms. The "how far she's been" sounds about right for her age, but it may be a good time to drive home your morals and remind her of the dangers of promiscuity.

Maybe something like increased monitoring of phone usage, taking the phone away for awhile.

[wutamess]

Take the phone away from her for 2 weeks and have her talk with her mother about how far she's been and her grinding on someone at a dance.

We're very open (prolly too open) so it's not embarrassing for her to have to discuss it. Wifey found out the where/how she's doing things with.

[luv]

How old is the boy?

[Chiefspants]

Turning the phone off is going to do nothing for her except exacerbate the problem, however, I think there are a few effective ways to respond to the issue.

I think one thing you can do is take away her phone until her chores are completely done. Remind her that you're paying completely for the phone and she needs to do her share to earn it.

About the guy, things can get bad fast if she ever decided to send pictures of herself. There, you need to explain that anything she tells/shows the guy can be saved by that guy, and if the two ever get in a fight, he can show all of his friends and then they could show anyone in the area. Tell her that if she is going to use the phone you bought to have a relationship, then she needs to at least be honest with you about the relationship. Tell her that you don't want to know the details, just that you want to know the guy that's dating your daughter.

And..That's the best I got, I"m an eighteen year old guy, and these strategies seemed to work pretty well for my parents and I.

[pr_capone]

I'd let your wife handle it. She made the bed, now she has to lie in it.

Yes because this is exactly what marriage is all about. Rubbing the other person's face in mistakes.

By all means wut, take marriage and parenting advice from Wendler.

[Rams Fan]

We're very open (prolly too open) so it's not embarrassing for her to have to discuss it. Wifey found out the where/how she's doing things with.

Don't you think it would be a bit awkward for her to have a talk like that with her? You'd make her feel like daddy's little girl(which isn't a bad thing). If I were in your shoes, I'd have your wife talk with her about what she's been doing. If I were you, I'd talk about the discipline.

[wutamess]

The last thing you want to do is overreact to her budding sexuality. Have a conversation with the wife, then have a conversation with the kid. Time without the phone is likely warranted but flat shutting it down will only make her not want to talk you guys about sex in the future.

It's funny... because I know there's little we can do, but how do you tell someone that's curious to wait? The phone is just so NOT needed. and I don't really want to know when she's having sex. I mean, it'd be nice to know but for some reason. I'd rather not know at that age.

I'd just rather prevent it from happening as much as I can. My main issue with her though will get her confidence up about trying to impress boys. Might be talking to a deaf ear at the time but I gotta get it out.

[DaFace]

Antifreeze. You guys are slipping.
Posted via Mobile Device

[Coach]

Turning the phone off is going to do nothing for her except exacerbate the problem, however, I think there are a few effective ways to respond to the issue.

I think one thing you can do is take away her phone until her chores are completely done. Remind her that you're paying completely for the phone and she needs to do her share to earn it.

About the guy, things can get bad fast if she ever decided to send pictures of herself. There, you need to explain that anything she tells/shows the guy can be saved by that guy, and if the two ever get in a fight, he can show all of his friends and then they could show anyone in the area. Tell her that if she is going to use the phone you bought to have a relationship, then she needs to at least be honest with you about the relationship. Tell her that you don't want to know the details, just that you want to know the guy that's dating your daughter.

And..That's the best I got, I"m an eighteen year old guy, and these strategies seemed to work pretty well for my parents and I.

I agree with his comment on the things can get bad really fast if things goes bad. Especially with photos. Those things can find their way into the internet, and they are stuck there forever. Those things can be damning to her, especially if she is going to be able to get a real job at some point.

[luv]

Turning the phone off is going to do nothing for her except exacerbate the problem, however, I think there are a few effective ways to respond to the issue.

I think one thing you can do is take away her phone until her chores are completely done. Remind her that you're paying completely for the phone and she needs to do her share to earn it.

About the guy, things can get bad fast if she ever decided to send pictures of herself. There, you need to explain that anything she tells/shows the guy can be saved by that guy, and if the two ever get in a fight, he can show all of his friends and then they could show anyone in the area. Tell her that if she is going to use the phone you bought to have a relationship, then she needs to at least be honest with you about the relationship. Tell her that you don't want to know the details, just that you want to know the guy that's dating your daughter.

And..That's the best I got, I"m an eighteen year old guy, and these strategies seemed to work pretty well for my parents and I.

Don't want details? Dating? She's 13!

[BigRock]

If you want to get rid of the cell phone, just tell her that, for no real reason at all, you decided to go through her phone and look at the conversations she's been having. She'll never use it again.

[wutamess]

You need to have a conversation with Chris Hanson. Seriously. If she acts like this at 13 ****ing years old, you might have a problem. Of course, it could also be her "exaggerating" things in a way to make herself appear more attractive.


13 is about par for the course.
I got my first tongue around 13-15 range (in front of the church).
What planet you on?

[Hammock Parties]

I bet she would be more receptive if it came from her mom.

If it comes from dad it's just gonna be "Dad is being a bastard again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever!"

[jspchief]

We've had the talk years ago. It may mean more to her now.

And I don't mean the "bolt goes in the nut" talk.

I mean the "getting pregnant or a disease at 14 will f'ing destroy every part of your life that you currently enjoy".

[Jenson71]

I wouldn't grill her about her grinding and french kissing. That's normal behavior for many at that age. Plus, she could be lying to impress him. If you brought it up, she'd likely feel awkward and really pissed off at you.

Disclaimer: not a parent.

[Rams Fan]

I remember when I was 13, there were rumors about 2 people having sex. And the guy involved said he had sex with the gal, but the gal denied it.

[Demonpenz]

Show Cassel's throwing motion and tell her this is what happens when you have sex too young. Have barf bags ready

[wutamess]

So what is the issue? The boy or the phone?

I can think of a lot of good reasons for a 13 year old to have a phone, mainly that she is always a call away, so no good reason for you to not know where she is and whats she's doing.

As for the boy... first you'd have to tell her you went through her phone which could be a whole other can of worms. The "how far she's been" sounds about right for her age, but it may be a good time to drive home your morals and remind her of the dangers of promiscuity.

Maybe something like increased monitoring of phone usage, taking the phone away for awhile.

She lives under our home. We pay the phone bill. So she has no privacy. We don't play the... "her space" game here.

[Coach]

wutamess, you are paying for the phone, correct?

Edit: Since you answered jsp's question, then I think you need to let her know that, "I'll give you one more chance. If I ask you to do something, please do it. I pay the phone for you, so it's fair for me to have you to do the chores that I have asked you. If you chose not to do what I have asked you to do, then I will have no choice but to disable the phone."

Let her know that you are paying the phone for her. She needs to realize that you are helping her, but she needs to hold up her end of the deal.

[Rams Fan]

I wouldn't grill her about her grinding and french kissing. That's normal behavior for many at that age. Plus, she could be lying to impress him. If you brought it up, she'd likely feel awkward and really pissed off at you.

Disclaimer: not a parent.

This. I'd be more concerned if she sent any pictures of herself to the boy.

[wutamess]

How old is the boy?

I assume they're all the same age. She's in 8th so I assume he's 8th grade as their conversation involved other classmates.

[Okie_Apparition]

You get transfered to Brazil and build a hut in the jungle...

[luv]

This is why I will never have kids. I must be way out of touch with reality. Yes, I had kissed a boy by 13, but talking about my cup size? Dating? 15 before either of those things happened.

[wutamess]

Yes because this is exactly what marriage is all about. Rubbing the other person's face in mistakes.

By all means wut, take marriage and parenting advice from Wendler.

LMAO! Ignored it soon as I seen it.

[Demonpenz]

I know this isn't quite the same, but when my two cats start to get out and wander I spray them with lemon juice

[Coach]

This is why I will never have kids. I must be way out of touch with reality. Yes, I had kissed a boy by 13, but talking about my cup size? Dating? 15 before either of those things happened.

Some people do the silliest things when they are kids. I mean, one time, I have drove 150 miles in a snowstorm to visit an old girlfriend (this was when I was in HS) that I loved.

Speaking of that, since you mentioned it, what's the cup size? ;)

Kidding.

[wutamess]

Don't you think it would be a bit awkward for her to have a talk like that with her? You'd make her feel like daddy's little girl(which isn't a bad thing). If I were in your shoes, I'd have your wife talk with her about what she's been doing. If I were you, I'd talk about the discipline.

What's the discipline? I did have my wife talk to her about it because I have no idea what a 13yo girl is thinking? But I feel the phone is an enabler. That's my only discipline tool.

How do you discipline someone for doing things that are natural?

[Just Passin' By]

You could always get her one of the cell phones that only allow for calls to pre-programmed numbers.

[WebGem]

Mind your own business and stay out of your daughters IMO.

[notorious]

****.


I have this to look forward to in 10 years.


:facepalm:


Good Luck Wutamess. I have no advice to give. What I am about to tell you is the only thing that is an absolute:


Lover her without fault or judgement. There really isn't anything that matters but family when it comes down to it.

[Jenson71]

It may mean more to her now.

And I don't mean the "bolt goes in the nut" talk.

I mean the "getting pregnant or a disease at 14 will f'ing destroy every part of your life that you currently enjoy".

I think that's a good approach, in my opinion. She's probably watched 16 and Pregnant on MTV.

[wutamess]

Don't want details? Dating? She's 13!

Pants has a lot of points but I'll prolly get the details when I take her to Vball practice this week or so.

[Rams Fan]

What's the discipline? I did have my wife talk to her about it because I have no idea what a 13yo girl is thinking? But I feel the phone is an enabler. That's my only discipline tool.

How do you discipline someone for doing things that are natural?

I think it would depend on how much she admits to doing. If I were you, I'd take her phone away for two weeks minimum. Does she have a laptop or computer? Do you know is she used that all to send the pictures?

[cdcox]

It's tough. My daughter is 20, so I've been through what you're going through. There are no easy answers. You are going to have to feel your way and make mistakes, watch her make mistakes, and hope everyone comes out in one piece a the other end of the meat grinder. Here is my advice after having a tougher road than most, but not as tough as some:

1. She's not an adult yet, but she is on her way. In 5 years (not very long) she will be 18 and legally an adult. That transition doesn't magically happen the day she turns 18. It happens every day, starting now. You are going to have to start thinking about her in different ways.

2. You can't control her. She is her own person and as the years go by, will be away from the eyes of you and your wife more and more. She is going to do what she is going to do.

3. If you are always snooping in on her, she is going to turn on you. If you go spying, you aren't going to like everything you see. I would give her space and privacy unless you think she is doing something "big". See below.

4. Focus on the big stuff. You and your wife have to decide what the big things are.

5. You and your wife absolutely have to be on the same page. Your daughter's game (she's already working it) is going to be divide and conquer. You might have to give some ground on a small issue to get your wife to be rock solid on a big issue. Once your wife agrees to a boundary, hold her to it (in private, not in front of the daughter).

6. Establish important boundaries and stick to them. Make sure your daughter knows what those boundaries are and what the consequences are for violating them. She'll test you, so you need to follow through. Make sure the consequences are something realistic that you can follow through on.

7. Pray for miracles. You'll need them.

[wutamess]

It may mean more to her now.

And I don't mean the "bolt goes in the nut" talk.

I mean the "getting pregnant or a disease at 14 will f'ing destroy every part of your life that you currently enjoy".

Last year at the kitchen table over dinner. Had the nitty gritty talk. Even told her about some terms she didn't even know existed. But I'll drive the point home on this go round. I do feel another talk is warranted.

[PornChief]

tell her to bring the little dude around for a BBQ or something so you get to meet him at least. Trying to stop teen girls from talking to boys? Might as well try stop time and tide.

[wutamess]

wutamess, you are paying for the phone, correct?

Edit: Since you answered jsp's question, then I think you need to let her know that, "I'll give you one more chance. If I ask you to do something, please do it. I pay the phone for you, so it's fair for me to have you to do the chores that I have asked you. If you chose not to do what I have asked you to do, then I will have no choice but to disable the phone."

Let her know that you are paying the phone for her. She needs to realize that you are helping her, but she needs to hold up her end of the deal.

So you think disabling the phone is too much? I tend to take these things out with a sledge hammer.

[Bowser]

She lives under our home. We pay the phone bill. So she has no privacy. We don't play the... "her space" game here.

I get the whole "respect" thing, but have you made it crystal clear as to what the rules are when it comes to the phone? And as a parent of a 15 year old daughter, I can say with all confidence that if you drop the "YOU WILL NOT DO THIS UNDER MY ROOF, YOUNG LADY" bit on her, that she will find a way somehow to do just what it is you don't want her to do.

It's a juggling act to find the balance between being a protective parent and letting her have the freedom to come into her own.

[WebGem]

Oh and kissing and grinding on a guy is as far as she's gone? Damn she's behind. Someone needs to show her a good time. Rams Fan, you're about her age...right?

[Rams Fan]

So you think disabling the phone is too much? I tend to take these things out with a sledge hammer.

I think disabling the phone would be too much. Taking it away for 2 weeks(minimum) should help her learn her lesson.

[wutamess]

****.


I have this to look forward to in 10 years.


:facepalm:


Good Luck Wutamess. I have no advice to give. What I am about to tell you is the only thing that is an absolute:


Lover her without fault or judgement. There really isn't anything that matters but family when it comes down to it.

That's our motto. That's why I'm trying to keep her legs closed as ong as possible. I know it'll eventually happen but DAMN! WHY ME! NOOOOOO!

[Hammock Parties]

Become a Jehovah's Witness, and have the elders talk with her.

[wutamess]

I think that's a good approach, in my opinion. She's probably watched 16 and Pregnant on MTV.

Yes she's watched them a ton before. I don't think she's having sex. I think she's only done what she texted him. She's still my goofy little girl though and I'm trying to keep it that way.

[notorious]

That's our motto. That's why I'm trying to keep her legs closed as ong as possible. I know it'll eventually happen but DAMN! WHY ME! NOOOOOO!

I will PM you in 10-14 years and ask for some advice. Be ready. :D



Godspeed.

[Rams Fan]

Oh and kissing and grinding on a guy is as far as she's gone? Damn she's behind. Someone needs to show her a good time. Rams Fan, you're about her age...right?

Nope. You son of a.....

[wutamess]

I think it would depend on how much she admits to doing. If I were you, I'd take her phone away for two weeks minimum. Does she have a laptop or computer? Do you know is she used that all to send the pictures?

Oh, they've been skyping/video chatting. I don't think she did or would send provocative pics but I'll mention that too when we do talk.

[JOhn]

If you figure it out let me know....seriously Mine turns 14 this month. All I know is doing the best I can.

[Coach]

So you think disabling the phone is too much? I tend to take these things out with a sledge hammer.

Well, have you addressed simple ground rules on the phone? I mean, not like invading her privacy, but that she is aware of that you are paying for her phone, yes? Have you mentioned to your child that "I am giving you this phone, not because I have to, but I feel that you are more than responsble to have this phone. However, it's not a right, it's a privilege. We (you and your wife) are paying your phone bill for you, so for a fair trade off, if one of us asked you to do something, like the dishes or a simple chore, I believe you will be responsible to do those."

Have you addressed that, prior to giving her the phone?

[Jenson71]

Yes she's watched them a ton before. I don't think she's having sex. I think she's only done what she texted him. She's still my goofy little girl though and I'm trying to keep it that way.

That show is probably a parent's dream as far as TV goes. Unfortunately, that same channel shows Skins, which glorifies that kind of stuff.

[Rams Fan]

Oh, they've been skyping/video chatting. I don't think she did or would send provocative pics but I'll mention that too when we do talk.

I'd take away her laptop for a few weeks, too, depending on what she admits to doing.

[wutamess]

It's tough. My daughter is 20, so I've been through what you're going through. There are no easy answers. You are going to have to feel your way and make mistakes, watch her make mistakes, and hope everyone comes out in one piece a the other end of the meat grinder. Here is my advice after having a tougher road than most, but not as tough as some:

1. She's not an adult yet, but she is on her way. In 5 years (not very long) she will be 18 and legally an adult. That transition doesn't magically happen the day she turns 18. It happens every day, starting now. You are going to have to start thinking about her in different ways.

2. You can't control her. She is her own person and as the years go by, will be away from the eyes of you and your wife more and more. She is going to do what she is going to do.

3. If you are always snooping in on her, she is going to turn on you. If you go spying, you aren't going to like everything you see. I would give her space and privacy unless you think she is doing something "big". See below.


This is what I need... We don't mind her turning on us (I say that now). But I don't want to give her the space where we'll be grandparents raising a grandchild in our 30's. In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose.

Once she's 18 she's an adult and we've done our jobs as far as held up our end of the bargain in raising a good kid. Wifey and I have never had an issue with being together on things and always talk things through and out of site of the kiddos.
I have to go through this 3 more times ! UGH!

[notorious]

Just have her lurk here for awhile.


Search "MTG-10", "Hootie", or "GoChiefs" and let her read away.


She will be so horrified by what she reads that she won't even want to get close to the opposite sex for years to come.


Of course, there is always the chance that she might go lesbian if you over-expose her to their threads and posts, so be careful.

[BigCatDaddy]

Wow, what a mess.

[wutamess]

I get the whole "respect" thing, but have you made it crystal clear as to what the rules are when it comes to the phone? And as a parent of a 15 year old daughter, I can say with all confidence that if you drop the "YOU WILL NOT DO THIS UNDER MY ROOF, YOUNG LADY" bit on her, that she will find a way somehow to do just what it is you don't want her to do.

It's a juggling act to find the balance between being a protective parent and letting her have the freedom to come into her own.

And that was my point in not getting the phone in the first place. Wifey liked it because it could be restricted, but my sister was fuggin McGyver and I know these kids nowadays will find ways around all restrictions. I was and still am under the thinking that she doesn't need a phone until she's driving and can pay for her own bill.

[pr_capone]

In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose.

Think of a spring. Hold that spring down and then all of a sudden let it go, it will shoot off in a random direction. If you instead let go of it slowly, it will typically stay right where you want it to.

[wutamess]

Become a Jehovah's Witness, and have the elders talk with her.

OKAY! ROFL

[Buck]

Why don't you buy her an old shitty phone that doesn't have web access or apps? The pre-flip phone era ones.
Posted via Mobile Device

[wutamess]

tell her to bring the little dude around for a BBQ or something so you get to meet him at least. Trying to stop teen girls from talking to boys? Might as well try stop time and tide.

That's another thing... I don't want to meet my daughter's BF's. I know I have to but that's weird. First lil fugger that comes around with their pants hanging around their knees I'm going to blow a gasket and embarrass her. Really not prepared for the next 5 years.

[Tribal Warfare]

If you know any doc or cop buddies, have them take her on the tour of the E.R. that shit will scare her straight if she heard and saw some of the stories 1st hand that come out there concerning VD, rape, pregancy ect...

[jd1020]

Just start buying her baggy turtle necks and overalls. That will clear shit up real fast.

[wutamess]

Well, have you addressed simple ground rules on the phone? I mean, not like invading her privacy, but that she is aware of that you are paying for her phone, yes? Have you mentioned to your child that "I am giving you this phone, not because I have to, but I feel that you are more than responsble to have this phone. However, it's not a right, it's a privilege. We (you and your wife) are paying your phone bill for you, so for a fair trade off, if one of us asked you to do something, like the dishes or a simple chore, I believe you will be responsible to do those."

Have you addressed that, prior to giving her the phone?

No. It was more of a Xmas present. "No boys". Have fun.

[wutamess]

That show is probably a parent's dream as far as TV goes. Unfortunately, that same channel shows Skins, which glorifies that kind of stuff.

Parental restrictions is your friend.

[wutamess]

Why don't you buy her an old shitty phone that doesn't have web access or apps? The pre-flip phone era ones.
Posted via Mobile Device

hmmm... Possibility. Thought about it when I bought that one but Sprint didn't have one without a camera, so I said fuggit!

[BIG_DADDY]

Montel Williams just loves stories like this. I am sure he would probably let you on the show if you bring your daughter. :D

Seriously dude I think you are on the right track. At 13 she still needs you to be a dad and draw the line in the sand. I have a friend going through this with his 14 year old. The one thing I noticed that is different is the girls are WAY more aggressive than they were when we were kids.

[wutamess]

Think of a spring. Hold that spring down and then all of a sudden let it go, it will shoot off in a random direction. If you instead let go of it slowly, it will typically stay right where you want it to.

She's not totally restricted. She goes everywhere she wants to go (except to the local teenie nightclub she's been wanting to go to forever). We just like keep it limited to friends, etc. She goes to party's, etc. But we have an idea where she's supposed to be.

[Coach]

No. It was more of a Xmas present. "No boys". Have fun.

Well then, that kinda ruins the leverage you have, other than that you are paying for it.

If I ever was going to give one for my kid, I would pretty much set simple ground rules. I would pretty much simply say that I am not going to invade their privacy, but more of their simple trade-off rules, like since if I am paying for it, I expect the person to at least do some simple chores that is being asked out of my child. Along with the lines that I am trusting that child that they would make good decisions on the phone.

So, yes, I think turning off the phone is a little overkill, UNLESS you happen to find incriminating evidence of her showing her private parts to the person in question. Texts are borderline, but I would be willing to overlook that, but photos? Boom, gonna kill it with a sledgehammer.

I think you and your wife need to re-establish the rules as far as that is concerned. Don't mention anything about that what you saw. That's history now. The fact is that she didn't do what you have asked her to do, I'd say take the phone away for a week, and give it back to her if she does do the chores. If she continues not to do what you have asked her to do, then I'd extend the punishment longer.

I think she needs to understand that you two are respecting her privacy, but that she needs to respect you guys, as far as being asked to do.

[FAX]

Time for a long, detailed conversation about sluts, pregnancy, and hysterectomies.

I would be glad to speak with her, Mr. wutamess, if you wish. I sure am glad I don't have daughters, though. I have spent a large portion of my entire life attempting to remove the undergarments of young ladies. The irony of having a daughter would be more than I could bear.

FAX

[wutamess]

Montel Williams just loves stories like this. I am sure he would probably let you on the show if you bring your daughter. :D

Seriously dude I think you are on the right track. At 13 she still needs you to be a dad and draw the line in the sand. I have a friend going through this with his 14 year old. The one thing I noticed that is different is the girls are WAY more aggressive than they were when we were kids.

But that's just it! What's my fuggin line?
"Don't talk to boys?" That's kinda weak. Especially when we were all doing it around that age.

"Don't kiss boys?" Weak also.

What do I have to stand on... how to you "discipline that"?
By doing nothing though it sends the signal that it's ok and condone and she KNOW's we can't really do anything. We still have that "control/fear" aspect over her... looks like we're losing that so what do we do... just ride and hope that our teachings have been instilled and she'll make the right decisions.

Thing is... My pete peeve is a chick that put guys on fuggin pedestal and her trying to impress this guys show's that she's emotionally weak and that's what I really want to fix here. Thin is... other than showing her examples of idiots and family members, I have no idea what to do.

[jd1020]

To everyone saying "take the phone away for X amount of weeks."

What would be your reasoning for taking it away without spilling the beans?

[Coach]

And speaking of boys issue, I think you are also, to a degree, restricting her ability to grow into an adult. I wouldn't restrict the boys thing, because then, how is she going to be able to find the one she really likes?

There are going to be moments that you may not like the fugger, but sometimes, kids are going to have to learn it the hard way.

[cdcox]

This is what I need... We don't mind her turning on us (I say that now). But I don't want to give her the space where we'll be grandparents raising a grandchild in our 30's. In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose.

Once she's 18 she's an adult and we've done our jobs as far as held up our end of the bargain in raising a good kid. Wifey and I have never had an issue with being together on things and always talk things through and out of site of the kiddos.
I have to go through this 3 more times ! UGH!

Here's what I mean when I say her turning on you:

Scenario A: You set some clear boundaries with consequences. She knows what they are. You give her age-appropriate freedoms (you have to determine what age appropriate means). When she violates a boundary, you follow through with consequences. And then you take your chances just like every other parent. And you probably don't go digging for information that you don't want to learn.

Scenario B: You keep her under close surveillance. You monitor her every activity. You scare away every boy that comes close. You limit her opportunities to be without adult supervision. She becomes bitter and feels like you don't respect her. How do you think she will respond when she turns 18 or goes away to college?

As I said, my daughter is 20. She is no where near ready to support herself financially. But if she gets knocked up I'll help her give the child up for adoption. I won't support one of her kids and I won't help her with an abortion. If she doesn't want to give the child up for adoption, she can figure things out for herself. That is my boundary that I am comfortable with. Someone else's might be different. I hope I never need to resort to that contingency, but I have a plan in place if worse comes to worse.

[Dante84]

Just take a sharpie and color over the camera when she leaves it laying around.

Honestly, though, kids can pick up on sincerity and will respond to the honest communication more than bringing the hammer down. Once you explain what is wrong and what is okay, and make boundaries clear, she will know what will fly and what won't.

If she violates these boundaries, punishment is necessary. Sounds like she doesn't know the boundaries yet, though. So coming down hard on her won't accomplish anything positive, it will just confuse and anger her.

[Coach]

But that's just it! What's my fuggin line?
"Don't talk to boys?" That's kinda weak. Especially when we were all doing it around that age.

"Don't kiss boys?" Weak also.

What do I have to stand on... how to you "discipline that"?
By doing nothing though it sends the signal that it's ok and condone and she KNOW's we can't really do anything. We still have that "control/fear" aspect over her... looks like we're losing that so what do we do... just ride and hope that our teachings have been instilled and she'll make the right decisions.

Thing is... My pete peeve is a chick that put guys on fuggin pedestal and her trying to impress this guys show's that she's emotionally weak and that's what I really want to fix here. Thin is... other than showing her examples of idiots and family members, I have no idea what to do.

I'd simply say "Be yourself. You are beautiful on who you are. If other people or a guy can't see that, then well, that's their problem. Not yours."

[Phobia]

My advice is to compile the advice from Luv and Clay. Then take everything they say and follow it to the last detail.

[Dante84]

As I said, my daughter is 20. She is no where near ready to support herself financially. But if she gets knocked up I'll help her give the child up for adoption. I won't support one of her kids and I won't help her with an abortion. If she doesn't want to give the child up for adoption, she can figure things out for herself. That is my boundary that I am comfortable with. Someone else's might be different. I hope I never need to resort to that contingency, but I have a plan in place if worse comes to worse.

Damn, that would be tough to kick a grandkid to the curb like that. But I understand what you are saying.

[wutamess]

Well then, that kinda ruins the leverage you have, other than that you are paying for it.

If I ever was going to give one for my kid, I would pretty much set simple ground rules. I would pretty much simply say that I am not going to invade their privacy, but more of their simple trade-off rules, like since if I am paying for it, I expect the person to at least do some simple chores that is being asked out of my child. Along with the lines that I am trusting that child that they would make good decisions on the phone.

So, yes, I think turning off the phone is a little overkill, UNLESS you happen to find incriminating evidence of her showing her private parts to the person in question. Texts are borderline, but I would be willing to overlook that, but photos? Boom, gonna kill it with a sledgehammer.

I think you and your wife need to re-establish the rules as far as that is concerned. Don't mention anything about that what you saw. That's history now. The fact is that she didn't do what you have asked her to do, I'd say take the phone away for a week, and give it back to her if she does do the chores. If she continues not to do what you have asked her to do, then I'd extend the punishment longer.

I think she needs to understand that you two are respecting her privacy, but that she needs to respect you guys, as far as being asked to do.


Great points but you're focusing on the chores too much. She does the chores no problem and is honestly quite good about it. The story I gave was just a story about today. But we have no problem with her and chores... She's actually a GREAT kid, honest, sneaky as we all were, with a good head on her shoulders.

Pictures, I don't think she's sent nekidd pics of anything more than the fat girl lips out profile pose.

But I will make it clear that it's a proviledge. Text was disabled, so she got around that with Skype. Since I've disabled Skype from our network also.

[suzzer99]

Oh, they've been skyping/video chatting. I don't think she did or would send provocative pics but I'll mention that too when we do talk.

This this this. That shit gets out on the Internet it can haunt her forever.

As far as the rest theres not a whole lot you can do. Just keep trying to be a good parent, and find positive activities to keep her busy and boost her self-esteem. If that happens the other stuff will take care of itself.

I would advise against letting her know you read her entire conversation. That will just push her away and make her a lot more secretive in the future.

[wutamess]

To everyone saying "take the phone away for X amount of weeks."

What would be your reasoning for taking it away without spilling the beans?

She knows we looked through it and wifey has spoken to her about what was found and called her on it.

[Dante84]

Remind her that her worth is not determined by those around her, especially by those who want something from her. Only she gets to determine her worth, and others will react accordingly.

Make sure she knows the only people worth valuing and keeping around in her life are the ones who care about her and build her up, rather than manipulate and keep her down.

[jd1020]

She knows we looked through it and wifey has spoken to her about what was found and called her on it.

So you dealt with it and then asked for advice? Little backwards thinking there.

[wutamess]

Just take a sharpie and color over the camera when she leaves it laying around.

Honestly, though, kids can pick up on sincerity and will respond to the honest communication more than bringing the hammer down. Once you explain what is wrong and what is okay, and make boundaries clear, she will know what will fly and what won't.

If she violates these boundaries, punishment is necessary. Sounds like she doesn't know the boundaries yet, though. So coming down hard on her won't accomplish anything positive, it will just confuse and anger her.

So "No Boys" doesn't establish a boundary?

[BIG_DADDY]

But that's just it! What's my fuggin line?
"Don't talk to boys?" That's kinda weak. Especially when we were all doing it around that age.

"Don't kiss boys?" Weak also.

What do I have to stand on... how to you "discipline that"?
By doing nothing though it sends the signal that it's ok and condone and she KNOW's we can't really do anything. We still have that "control/fear" aspect over her... looks like we're losing that so what do we do... just ride and hope that our teachings have been instilled and she'll make the right decisions.

Thing is... My pete peeve is a chick that put guys on fuggin pedestal and her trying to impress this guys show's that she's emotionally weak and that's what I really want to fix here. Thin is... other than showing her examples of idiots and family members, I have no idea what to do.

I am not going to pretend to be an expert on something I have zero experience at. If it was me like you I would probably ground her for a couple weeks and take the phone letting her know how I feel about what she has done. You made the rules, she broke the rules. If there is no consiquence then what is the point of having rules? At 13 I don't think it is unreasonable to look at her phone. There is no point in having those rules if you can't enforce them. That being said once the 2 weeks is over I think I would give her the phone back and let her know if it happens again there will be no phone until 16 no matter how much she cries about it. I personally wouldn't ban her from ever talking to boys though, but that's just me. I would restrict the time.

[wutamess]

I'd simply say "Be yourself. You are beautiful on who you are. If other people or a guy can't see that, then well, that's their problem. Not yours."

Comeon Coach this is 2011... I think examples will hit home more than the You're beautiful speech. It may already seem like I preach to her a lot although it's more related to her sport activities.

[Coach]

Great points but you're focusing on the chores too much. She does the chores no problem and is honestly quite good about it. The story I gave was just a story about today. But we have no problem with her and chores... She's actually a GREAT kid, honest, sneaky as we all were, with a good head on her shoulders.

Pictures, I don't think she's sent nekidd pics of anything more than the fat girl lips out profile pose.

But I will make it clear that it's a proviledge. Text was disabled, so she got around that with Skype. Since I've disabled Skype from our network also.

Maybe I am focusing on the chores too much, so I'll just ignore it. It still doesn't change the fact that she still ran up the phone and been texting/skyping as well.

But on the other hand, texting and skyping is the new age of technology. Maybe she wants to get into that. It's reasonable to do so. I know I text more than I talk. Perhaps she should be entitled to that as well?

And suzzer99 is right, I would not want to tell her what you have found. That's just going to make her even more protective of herself, and going to do things that you don't want to even know.

[wutamess]

So you dealt with it and then asked for advice? Little backwards thinking there.

No... Wifey spoke with her... I'm asking what to do on my end and what could/should we have and can still do differently.

[jd1020]

No... Wifey spoke with her... I'm asking what to do on my end and what could/should we have and can still do differently.

Just wait til the next time it happens and take it away. IMO, everyone gets a second chance.

The whole, "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me" deal.

If it happens again just take the phone away and let her know that when she gets a job at 16 to afford her own phone then she can get another one.

[Coach]

So "No Boys" doesn't establish a boundary?

At the same time, the age 13-15 range is when kids are starting to find their own identy, and they are going to start exploring the oppisite sex.

I think the "no boys" rule is a little harsh, but that is me.

[Chiefspants]

Don't want details? Dating? She's 13!

Well, I don't know, I just think it's good to establish lessons like this early, a lot of girls do not realize the consequences of doing things like that at that age.

[BIG_DADDY]

Comeon Coach this is 2011... I think examples will hit home more than the You're beautiful speech.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fI2NyfV9N3g

[Dante84]

So "No Boys" doesn't establish a boundary?

Its kind of ambiguous and umbrella-ish. Specifics, and to some degree, reasoning, will help to clarify to her that you have her best interest at heart. Tell her to ask if she's unsure about something... and also tell her that if she's unsure, its probably a sign that she shouldn't be doing it.

[cdcox]

Damn, that would be tough to kick a grandkid to the curb like that. But I understand what you are saying.

The kid would be in a good home if adopted.

I just don't have raising another kid in me.

[Coach]

Comeon Coach this is 2011... I think examples will hit home more than the You're beautiful speech. It may already seem like I preach to her a lot although it's more related to her sport activities.

Fair enough. I'm just only giving advice as best as I can.

[wutamess]

At the same time, the age 13-15 range is when kids are starting to find their own identy, and they are going to start exploring the oppisite sex.

I think the "no boys" rule is a little harsh, but that is me.

I know... but they don't need to be talking on the phone... IMO. I don't care how much she needs to find herself. She has next year on (Freshman) to do all that.

The progression goes...
Talking on phone...
Then dating...

So not ready for dating at the 8th grade.
I'll keep my harshness on this one.

[wutamess]

Its kind of ambiguous and umbrella-ish. Specifics, and to some degree, reasoning, will help to clarify to her that you have her best interest at heart. Tell her to ask if she's unsure about something... and also tell her that if she's unsure, its probably a sign that she shouldn't be doing it.

No boys IS VERY umbrellaish... That's the awesomeness about it.
Besides... skyping boys STRICTLY FALL UNDER THE NO BOYS RULE.

[BIG_DADDY]

There's always the I am sending you to an all girls school threat.

[Dante84]

I know... but they don't need to be talking on the phone... IMO. I don't care how much she needs to find herself. She has next year on (Freshman) to do all that.

The progression goes...
Talking on phone...
Then dating...

So not ready for dating at the 8th grade.
I'll keep my harshness on this one.

Highschool is where it gets a little crazy.

She will be around 18 year old young men with bad intentions. She will also be "competing" for attention with little Susie slut mouth, and will get her feelings hurt when she doesn't put out for the pimple faced asshole.

Lots of pressures will be on her, but trusting her dad, and knowing her dad trusts her is paramount for heading into this phase of life.

[Coach]

I know... but they don't need to be talking on the phone... IMO. I don't care how much she needs to find herself. She has next year on (Freshman) to do all that.

The progression goes...
Talking on phone...
Then dating...

So not ready for dating at the 8th grade.
I'll keep my harshness on this one.

If you were 13, and if your father/mother said the same thing to you, then how are you going to find yourself? How are you going to explore the other side of the gender? I'm not referring to sexually, but more of communication.

I think she is wanting to grow into as an adult, but when rules establish like no boys, it only frusterates her growth. And possibly the trust between you two.

Unless you want her to be like Claythan, then, well, more power to you.

[wutamess]

There's always the I am sending you to an all girls school threat.

Nah... that's over doing it.
I guess it boils down to, starting to let her fly and spread her wings.
Just hope no "oopses" pop up in the process.

We'll talk and get an feeling for where things are going.

[Fat Elvis]

I have a 12 y/o daughter, and we gave her a cell phone for Christmas. I wouldn't recommend taking the phone away for good for a couple of reasons: 1) it was a gift, 2) since you let her go out with her friends, it will always provide you a way to contact her whenever you want- one of our conditions on our daughter having the phone was that she answer it whenever we call, and 3) a cell phone for a teen (or tween) daughter is the best leverage you will ever have in terms of discipline/consequences for bad behavior. Being grounded from the phone is worse than being grounded and not being able to go outside; you permanantly get rid of the phone and that option goes out the window quickly. The phone (and the possibility of losing access to it for periods of time) is a great way to modify t(w)een behavior.

I really don't think that your daughter has done anything really out of line for her age (I know it still drives you ape shit; it does me too). As a parent, it is important to have a continued and ongoing conversation about how important it is to respect our bodies, and what the consequences are if we don't do that, especially in this day and age. She probably knows the "nuts and bolts" of sex, but there is no way that she can possibly understand the implications and impacts of sex or presexual behavior. Make sure that she understands that she has ownership over her body, that it is more precious than anything any boy can offer her and to not give it up lightly. Also, make sure she understands that you want to meet any and every boy that she dates or spends time with; set clear understandings, boundaries and expectations with her.

You have to let her grow, but you don't have to let her grow up in one day, one week, one month or even one year; it is an ongoing process.

Good luck, those of us with daughters need it.

[wutamess]

Highschool is where it gets a little crazy.

She will be around 18 year old young men with bad intentions. She will also be "competing" for attention with little Susie slut mouth, and will get her feelings hurt when she doesn't put out for the pimple faced asshole.

Lots of pressures will be on her, but trusting her dad, and knowing her dad trusts her is paramount for heading into this phase of life.

Dude... STFU! I don't want to know that's ahead.
That's where I think Wifey is going to come in HUGE.
Good thing is... next year is an all freshman school.
10-12 is HS.

[BIG_DADDY]

Nah... that's over doing it.
I guess it boils down to, starting to let her fly and spread her wings.
Just hope no "oopses" pop up in the process.

We'll talk and get an feeling for where things are going.

I'm sure you will do fine dude. You are a great father, much better than you probably give yourself credit for. You love her. She knows you love her. The fact that you are so concerned will come across and no girl really wants to let down a father like that. Best of luck to you brother.

[wutamess]

If you were 13, and if your father/mother said the same thing to you, then how are you going to find yourself? How are you going to explore the other side of the gender? I'm not referring to sexually, but more of communication.

I think she is wanting to grow into as an adult, but when rules establish like no boys, it only frusterates her growth. And possibly the trust between you two.

Unless you want her to be like Claythan, then, well, more power to you.

There's nothing she needs to talk with guys about over the phone right now. She can explore the other sex next year. She's not missing out on anything. She talks to the lil fuggers all day before, during and after school since she's in every activity known to man.

Make no mistake, she's a popular social butterfly. Not one of those kids in one of those shells.

[cdcox]

So "No Boys" doesn't establish a boundary?

You need a progression.

At this age, I'd say talking to boys is okay. School dances are okay. You are allowing normal interaction without too much opportunity for things to go too far. Yes she will probably do somethings you aren't comfortable with. All kids do.

Dating would be out for me until she was at least 15. You also want to limit times when she could be alone with a guy. Once her and her boyfriends have cars there is very little you can do except trust the upbringing you've given her. It is pretty much out of your control at that point. You could insist that she only go out with groups of friends, but if she wants to lie, that is easy enough to work around.

It's tough, I know.

[Gracie Dean]

Nip it in the bud. Do NOT let her start down that road at 13 Next she will be showing hiem way more than that.

[Gracie Dean]

Make yer give you her phone before she goes to bed and that you give it to her in the morning


OUr kid was caught texting all hours of the night and not sleeping

[wutamess]

I have a 12 y/o daughter, and we gave her a cell phone for Christmas. I wouldn't recommend taking the phone away for good for a couple of reasons: 1) it was a gift, 2) since you let her go out with her friends, it will always provide you a way to contact her whenever you want- one of our conditions on our daughter having the phone was that she answer it whenever we call, and 3) a cell phone for a teen (or tween) daughter is the best leverage you will ever have in terms of discipline/consequences for bad behavior. Being grounded from the phone is worse than being grounded and not being able to go outside; you permanantly get rid of the phone and that option goes out the window quickly. The phone (and the possibility of losing access to it for periods of time) is a great way to modify t(w)een behavior.

I really don't think that your daughter has done anything really out of line for her age (I know it still drives you ape shit; it does me too). As a parent, it is important to have a continued and ongoing conversation about how important it is to respect our bodies, and what the consequences are if we don't do that, especially in this day and age. She probably knows the "nuts and bolts" of sex, but there is no way that she can possibly understand the implications and impacts of sex or presexual behavior. Make sure that she understands that she has ownership over her body, that it is more precious than anything any boy can offer her and to not give it up lightly. Also, make sure she understands that you want to meet any and every boy that she dates or spends time with; set clear understandings, boundaries and expectations with her.

You have to let her grow, but you don't have to let her grow up in one day, one week, one month or even one year; it is an ongoing process.

Good luck, those of us with daughters need it.

Great advice. Exactly what I'm looking for also. Why do I need to know/meet every lil fugger she dates? Isn't that one of those situations where "the guy she really likes" meets the parents? Not every Tom Dick and Hairy that's ultimately trying to do only one thing... Get in her pants!

[Dante84]

Dude... STFU! I don't want to know that's ahead.
That's where I think Wifey is going to come in HUGE.
Good thing is... next year is an all freshman school.
10-12 is HS.

That is so huge man. 13/14 year olds do NOT need to be hanging out with 18 year olds. That's a crime begging to be committed.

But my point was.... as bad as it is... you NEED to know what's ahead, or at least what could be ahead. Putting your head in the sand is only going to bite you in the ass.

But more than you needing to know whats ahead, she needs some idea so that she can tell whats an "okay" situation and whats a "not okay" situation.

How proud would you be if she said, "dad, this guy who pretended to like me said exactly what you told me he was going to! And i thought of what you said, and I told him to kick rocks!"

[wutamess]

You need a progression.

At this age, I'd say talking to boys is okay. School dances are okay.

She does all that. I'm sorry... you guys misunderstand... I mean "no boys" concerning the phone. No talking, texting, communications with boys with THAT phone nor the house phone.

[cdcox]

She does all that. I'm sorry... you guys misunderstand... I mean "no boys" concerning the phone. No talking, texting, communications with boys with THAT phone nor the house phone.

What is your reasoning on no phone talking? Maybe there is something I'm missing about this. I could see where if she did it for hours a day that could be a problem. But what about a half-an-hour a day?

[Fat Elvis]

Great advice. Exactly what I'm looking for also. Why do I need to know/meet every lil fugger she dates? Isn't that one of those situations where "the guy she really likes" meets the parents? Not every Tom Dick and Hairy that's ultimately trying to do only one thing... Get in her pants!

It lets her know that you are interested in her life no matter what. When she is out on her own and making all of her own decisions, she will bring "the guy she really likes" to meet the parents. Until that time, while she is under your roof, I think you owe it to her (and yourself) to know the people she is hanging out with- male or female.

Meeting the boy also sends a message to him- you screw up and you will have to deal with me. Make sure he understands that you expect him to respect your daughter (whether you express that verbally or not).

[suzzer99]

Great advice. Exactly what I'm looking for also. Why do I need to know/meet every lil fugger she dates? Isn't that one of those situations where "the guy she really likes" meets the parents? Not every Tom Dick and Hairy that's ultimately trying to do only one thing... Get in her pants!

It's about being and staying engaged as an active part of as much of her life as possible. If it's just known from the get go the this is the policy for all boys, she won't be as inclined to rebel as if you try to selectively apply it.

Also as much as they push back, teenagers actually still crave that feeling that you want to know what they're up to and be part of their lives. Think of the most well-adjusted kids from your high school. They were usually the ones who did lots of activities in which their parents were also involved, and were still buddies with their parents to some degree (while the mal-adjusted kids were usually the opposite).

[wutamess]

What is your reasoning on no phone talking? Maybe there is something I'm missing about this. I could see where if she did it for hours a day that could be a problem. But what about a half-an-hour a day?

Because I don't want to open that door just yet.
Next year yes... Not this year though.
Hell, if she's chatting about cup sizes and how far she's been with guys, that let's me know she's not ready to have conversations on the fon with boys at the moment.

See my progressions from previous post. Not rushing a thing.

They have nothing to discuss fruitful at the moment and it's an issue I'd rather not deal with at the moment.

[wutamess]

Also as much as they push back, teenagers actually still crave that feeling that you want to know what they're up to and be part of their lives. Think of the most well-adjusted kids from your high school. They were usually the ones who did lots of activities in which their parents were also involved, and were still buddies with their parents to some degree (while the mal-adjusted kids were usually the opposite).

SPOT ON! :thumb:
Makes hella sense!

[soopamanluva]

Dude... STFU! I don't want to know that's ahead.
That's where I think Wifey is going to come in HUGE.
Good thing is... next year is an all freshman school.
10-12 is HS.

You in the Hickman District? I went there and i know they just started that.

Honestly. Don't really have much advise. I have to do it in 10 years and i know it will be the hardest part of raising a girl. She is going to 14, dab in the middle of puberty. You see her as daddy's little girl, and you will probably always see her that way, but truth of the matter is, She's growing up. in 2 years she'll be dating and going to proms etc. Its hard to sit back and watch your little girl become a woman.

As far as the phone, she broke a rule. You know she did but she doesn't know you know. Ask her, and see if she will be truthful with you. She has to know that you mean business. You set the boundary of "no boys", you have to follow it. Grounding her from the phone for 2 weeks seems reasonable. You aren't grounding her because of the kissing a boy, you're doing it because she broke the rule of communicating with the boy on the phone.

Thats all i have man...

[wutamess]

You in the Hickman District?

No. BS.

[soopamanluva]

What is your reasoning on no phone talking? Maybe there is something I'm missing about this. I could see where if she did it for hours a day that could be a problem. But what about a half-an-hour a day?

She's probably not allowed to date so there is no need to be talking to them on he phone unless it was like a childhood friend

[wutamess]

She's probably not allowed to date so there is no need to be talking to them on he phone unless it was like a childhood friend

This :thumb:

[soopamanluva]

I feel where you're coming from. Im dreading the day i have to deal with it. I just say if you taught her morals growing up all you need to do is reinforce them along the way and thats pretty much all you can do. Just let her know you care and you'll be there for her through good and bad. After that, you'll just have to sloooooowly start letting go. She's her own person and will ultimately do what she wants. Girls are sneaky as hell

[suzzer99]

One thing that helped me was reading that teenagers brains aren't wired correctly yet. I forget all the details, but basically they're predisposed to all kinds of mood swings, impulsive behavior, judgement errors, bad ethical decisions, faulty reasoning, etc. For me anyway, putting it in that light helped me not take any of that stuff personally, or fear my kid was going to turn out that way.

Instead I looked at it more as a problem of how to get through to her w/o pushing her away or laying it on too thick. For example, one of my favorite moves is to tell some story about how stupid I was in HS on some point I want to get across to her. That way instead of a confrontational lecture, I get the same point across with an entertaining story. Luckily I ****ed up about every way imaginable in HS, and so have an endless repertoire of stories in this area.

To be sure, getting through to a teen is a very tricky problem, and a constantly moving target. But if you can eliminate the personal aspect, it becomes a little more manageable imo. Good luck!

[cdcox]

Ok, so you have a boundary that she wasn't to use her phone for talking to guys. She broke that. There needs to be a consequence. Two weeks without the phone sounds about right for a first offense.

My last advice would be to take some time now to think about your timetable with the progression of talking to boys on the phone, dating, curfews and the like. The whole process of your daughter growing up is going to be incredibly uncomfortable for you. There is really no escaping that feeling. So given that you are not going to like the process, what is the timeline for the progression? How are you going to manage your discomfort?

[wutamess]

My last advice would be to take some time now to think about your timetable with the progression of talking to boys on the phone, dating, curfews and the like. The whole process of your daughter growing up is going to be incredibly uncomfortable for you. There is really no escaping that feeling. So given that you are not going to like the process, what is the timeline for the progression? How are you going to manage your discomfort?

Great point. I figure next year she'll be allowed to talk to boys... I'm guessing 10th grade she'll be dating.

I do know she had a bf earlier this year.

[Gonzo]

This is why I thank the 6 lb baby jesus every day that Lumpy and I didn't have a girl. Kids nowadays are having sexual relationships younger and younger every generation. That being said, there's really not a lot you can do but try to have a mature conversation with her and hope she's got a good enough head on her shoulders to do the right thing.
If you try to force your authority on her and punish her, etc. she'll just become more rebellious and likely act out.
Just my .02 man. Good luck with all that.
Posted via Mobile Device

[Hootie]

As I said, my daughter is 20. She is no where near ready to support herself financially. But if she gets knocked up I'll help her give the child up for adoption. I won't support one of her kids and I won't help her with an abortion. If she doesn't want to give the child up for adoption, she can figure things out for herself. That is my boundary that I am comfortable with. Someone else's might be different. I hope I never need to resort to that contingency, but I have a plan in place if worse comes to worse.

Hmm...

I could see his at 17 or 18...

but 20?

20 is still young...but a child at 20 isn't something to really frown at...mistake or not.

16? 17? 18 even...? Yeah...I'd agree.

lets get back to this 20 year old daughter though...she into older guys?! Older guys with low ceilings?

Let me know.

[big nasty kcnut]

well tell her about the dangers of flirting but don't cut her nose off to spite her face. Let her have the phone but tell her that you love her and you just want to make she safe cause boys are always trying to make girls do uncomfortable things. Also she don't want any labels on her.

[Hootie]

the problem with teenage daughters is some of them develop extremely fast...

I mean, lets be honest...

This is going to scare everyone...when I was 16 I landed my first real girlfriend...she was a freshmen in high school and she could have easily passed as a senior looks wise...started her period when she was 12...very developed...basically the week she turned 15 we had been dating for 2 months or so and had "messed around" quite frequently...

at that point I was just happy to have landed the girl I had been after since the day I first saw her at school for the 1st time...I had yet to have a real girlfriend and she was the first girl I really had a HUGE crush on (before that I was more into fantasy baseball than girls)...

anyways I had no idea what the process of "messing around" was...I just assumed we were nowhere close to having sex...and then she basically demanded it one day (she was 15)...I didn't even have to push for it.

Fast forward 10 years and that girl and I are still decent enough friends...and she's not a slutty girl by any means (which surprises me a bit lol)...

She was just ahead of the curve when she was 15...15 mentally for sure...but physically? She was a woman at a very young age...

Shit I was 16.5 and she was just 15 and in terms of the "puberty process"...she was a full blown adult and I still couldn't grow a lick of facial hair.

[Hootie]

it's just a tough situation...teenagers are starting earlier and earlier...

freshman girls are as mature as senior guys...Senior guys are looking for one thing.

so you're fucked if you have a young daughter, and feel bad for that 14 year old son you have who looks like he's still 10 and is having a hard time because of it...

I'm not a parent, but I hope to be one someday...my parents are divorced and have lived in different states since I was very young...despite what many think on this site I think they did a pretty good job...but they were different

my dad being strict (and 2 states away) and my mom being too lenient...

anyways I've decided my primary role as a parent is caretaker...I'd love to be able to provide for my children in the best way possible and give them all of the advantages my parents gave me...but I also think my role as a parent is to guide my children...try and set them up to make GOOD decisions...but realize at the end of the day...once they hit that certain age (maybe it's 13, 15...whatever)...it's their decision to make and it's their decision they'll have to live with...some will be good, some will bad...hopefully a lesson will always be learned.

[-King-]

I'd say give the phone back but talk to her about it. I also don't get the no texting thing. Why is that there?

But yeah, talk to her. Tell her what you're okay with and not okay with and let her go from there.

[Pioli Zombie]

Cassel sucks

[BryanBusby]

Only thing I'd say is try not to be too cautious about making your daughter mad. She is a teenager and regardless of what you do, she will eventually hate you regardless.

Choice comes down to having her hate you because you didn't take any shit, or hating you because she felt you were somehow responsible for getting knocked up as a teen and now has no future.

[DeezNutz]

This is easily one of the most frightening threads on ChiefsPlanet.

To this point, it's also a great illustration that we're not always assholes to our own, as almost all of the responses have been very respectful.

[JD10367]

The last thing you want to do is overreact to her budding sexuality. Have a conversation with the wife, then have a conversation with the kid. Time without the phone is likely warranted but flat shutting it down will only make her not want to talk you guys about sex in the future.

This. I'm not a parent, but I'd think if the problem is "girl is too young for sex" the answer is not "take away her phone". You will have to sit down and have a discussion with her (either parent, or both, whatever you think will work better) about sex and waiting and specifically that boys are horny uncaring little bastards who only want to get girls naked. The hard part will be revealing that you invaded her privacy by looking at her phone, but unfortunately the cold truth of it is: when you're a 13-year-old girl, and you're using a phone that you didn't pay for, you don't HAVE any right to privacy. And this situation is the perfect example: kids think they know best, but they don't.

[memyselfI]

Sorry fathers, todays 13 does not = 13 of yesteryear.

Chances are pretty good that this young woman is right in her peer group when it comes to sexual exploration. MOF, some are way more advanced. Like losing their virginity.

How to treat her sexuality and how you treat her technological intelligence are two seperate things. She needs to be informed about privacy, safety, and risk involved in participating in Skype, Facebook, etc. She needs to learn these bumps early so that by the time she is 16 or 18 she is not posting pictures of herself in a bikini or sexting.

The natural inclination here is to reign in her usage and control what she's exposed to. I think this is a mistake. You and your wife should monitor her more closely but still allow her to learn the ropes while you still are able to have some sort of control over her behavior. By 16 they know ways around firewalls, webmail, fake screennames in order to avoid parental monitoring. You should make it quite clear to her that this is going to be the case and is part of her accepting a cell phone. It will not be done in private or without her knowledge.

As far as her sexuality, you learned that information by invading her privacy. Thus YOU should have no say in this particular matter. You have vioated her trust. Your wife, OTOH, should start to talk to her about age appropriate limits and stages.

This is not about you or what you think your daughter should be doing sexually. Fact is she is a sexual being and is going to experinent with that fact. Your part in this is to teach her that boys (or girls FTM) are not always going to treat her with her best interest at heart. Thus, she needs to be very careful who she gives herself to...in all ways and always.

Last bit of advice, sign up for Facebook and help her set up her page. Set one up yourself and friend her. Set it up with all the privacy restrictions and keep the password. This will allow her to be learning about FB early vs. later when she has no idea how to handle her personal matters in a public forum.

[Kerberos]

It is these kinds of scenarios that make me glad I have a boy. That comes with a whole different type of baggage.

Wut I feel for you man.

[memyselfI]

. The hard part will be revealing that you invaded her privacy by looking at her phone, but unfortunately the cold truth of it is: when you're a 13-year-old girl, and you're using a phone that you didn't pay for, you don't HAVE any right to privacy. And this situation is the perfect example: kids think they know best, but they don't.

I find this attitude so frustrating and completely ignorant. Sorry.

She has every right to expect privacy at 13. The problem is she FORFEITS that right when she decides to share personal information with STRANGERS or others who are not concerned with her privacy.

Telling her she has no privacy will GUARANTEE she will sneak around and lie. Rather, tell her she has the right to exepct privacy but it's hers to LOSE if she does not handle herself appropriately.

Worse yet, the lesson she hears and learns is if she has no expecation or right to privacy and boundaries from her parents then who does she have it from? Do you really want your daughter out in the world not understanding or valuing her personal privacy or boundaries?

[JD10367]

Sorry fathers, todays 13 does not = 13 of yesteryear.

Chances are pretty good that this young woman is right in her peer group when it comes to sexual exploration. MOF, some are way more advanced. Like losing their virginity.

Frankly, "yesteryear" wasn't much better. Unless you grew up in the 1950s, I'm pretty sure the age of sexual experimentation has always been a lot lower than parents like to think. When they were kids, they probably did it between 10 and 15, but when they become parents they become naturally defensive of their children and suddenly their brain tells them it was really 18-20 that they did that stuff at.

The natural inclination here is to reign in her usage and control what she's exposed to. I think this is a mistake. You and your wife should monitor her more closely but still allow her to learn the ropes while you still are able to have some sort of control over her behavior. By 16 they know ways around firewalls, webmail, a fake names in order to avoid parental monitoring. You should make it quite clear to her that this is going to be the case and is part of her accepting a cell phone. It will not be done in private or without her knowledge.

I think parents have a natural tendency to make hard-line boundaries and take stuff away, and forget that it has the exact opposite effect. I know, when I was a kid, the one way to get me to do something was to make it taboo or illegal. Say "don't do..." and a kid will spend every waking moment trying to do it.

When I was around nine, my dad was smoking. I tugged on his jacket and pointed at the cig. He said, "What, you want to try this?" I nodded eagerly. He handed it to me. I took a drag and choked, and spent the next half-hour coughing. He laughed his ass off. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes again. Around the same age, he would buy me little nips of blackberry brandy to try. While other kids were grousing about their parents not letting them drink, I was bragging that my dad bought me nips of blackberry brandy. Obviously I was only sipping on them occasionally, but the simple fact that it was not "off limits" to me made me not want to do it more. He also said, "If you want to get shitfaced, I'll go out and buy you all the beer you want, and you can get shitfaced right here in the house. If you try to go out and do it, I'll beat the crap out of you." And, of course, because that was more of a hard-ass line, I crossed it repeatedly, especially between 17 and 21 (drinking illegally at heavy metal concerts, driving while buzzed, etc.,.). But as soon as I hit 21, my drinking fell off to almost nothing. So I guess my dad did something right. (But I know, in today's world, you could never buy your kid nips of blackberry brandy. They'd take your kids away and throw you in jail.)

[TimeForWasp]

One thing you could do.

[JD10367]

One thing you could do.

Yes, but it's expensive to buy so many of them and put them on all the boys in the neighborhood.

[dj56dt58]

tell her to bring the little dude around for a BBQ or something .


I see where your going with this

http://www.westracbelize.com/dynamicdata/prodImg/big/Antifreeze3.jpg

http://www.thedailygreen.com/cm/thedailygreen/images/NotaPaperCupCup-TDG-IGYN-fb.jpg

[TimeForWasp]

Yes, but it's expensive to buy so many of them and put them on all the boys in the neighborhood.

You could get two boys at a time with these.

[Old Dog]

Taking the phone away would be a big mistake IMO. Not because it was a gift, you can invade her privacy or any of the other BS. It's a fricking electronic leash. There's not a whole lot better ways to keep track of her.
I don't know that I honestly buy off on the whole no boys thing, but if it's a set of rules you installed so be it. Though mine wasn't the least bit interested in boys until about 15 (I wonder if that was why I started losing my hair about that time).

Everyone parents differently, and often each child needs to be parented differently.

[BigRedChief]

You do realize you can go online and see all of her texts, correct? At least you can with ATT. It's okay to look at the texts on her phone but don't say a word about it, you have information that they are not aware that you have. It can help you manage events and your daughter to go down a path that you approve but she herself chooses.

Taking away her phone will not work. This generation lives in and with social media. You can't fight that if you want your daughter to be treated as "normal" by her peers.

Ypu can't "punish" here into making right choices in her life. She now needs your help in making the "right" choice on her own, She has to be allowed to fail and make bad decisions. What you don't want is those "bad" decisions to be something she can't recover from.

There's always going to be a guy who wants to go further that she wants to go, an oppertunity to try drugs, go to parties. You can't stop that from happening. You just have to help her learn how to deal with those situations and hope she makes the right choice.

[Lzen]

Mind your own business and stay out of your daughters IMO.

Its his daughter who is living under his roof. She is a minor. It IS his business. :shake:

[Old Dog]

Its his daughter who is living under his roof. She is a minor. It IS his business. :shake:

In post #29 he said she lives "under their home" so I'm guessing a crawl space or something.

[R8RFAN]

She lives under our home. We pay the phone bill. So she has no privacy. We don't play the... "her space" game here.

Bingo... Same here... I have a 14 yr old daughter, she is absolutely gorgeous and every dumbass kid likes her, which sucks ass ... I have most of those little bastards terrified of me.

I pay the bill, I can read her phone at any time I want.... She knew this upfront...
Phone is on charger on the bar at 9pm sharp.... 1 min late she loses it for a day..... You would be surprised how prompt they can be....

13 and 14 is too young and it makes me sick to think of some little bastard with his hands up my daughters shirt but you know it's gonna happen...


Good luck to ya brah, I am in the same boat

[wutamess]

When I was around nine, my dad was smoking. I tugged on his jacket and pointed at the cig. He said, "What, you want to try this?" I nodded eagerly. He handed it to me. I took a drag and choked, and spent the next half-hour coughing. He laughed his ass off. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes again. Around the same age, he would buy me little nips of blackberry brandy to try. While other kids were grousing about their parents not letting them drink, I was bragging that my dad bought me nips of blackberry brandy. Obviously I was only sipping on them occasionally, but the simple fact that it was not "off limits" to me made me not want to do it more. He also said, "If you want to get shitfaced, I'll go out and buy you all the beer you want, and you can get shitfaced right here in the house. If you try to go out and do it, I'll beat the crap out of you." And, of course, because that was more of a hard-ass line, I crossed it repeatedly, especially between 17 and 21 (drinking illegally at heavy metal concerts, driving while buzzed, etc.,.). But as soon as I hit 21, my drinking fell off to almost nothing. So I guess my dad did something right. (But I know, in today's world, you could never buy your kid nips of blackberry brandy. They'd take your kids away and throw you in jail.)

This makes a world of sense but you know how scary that approach could be. You coulda turned alcoholic, etc. Don't believe in trying that approach. Just trying to go about the way we were raised and the way my mother raise my sis. She often heeds of mistakes around what age she made.

One of them was giving her freedom around the 12-14 range. Sister took it and ran with it.

[Fairplay]

You do realize you can go online and see all of her texts, correct? At least you can with ATT. It's okay to look at the texts on her phone but don't say a word about it, you have information that they are not aware that you have.



Yes this is the big brother age, everything is being recorded. Every move you make, every breath you take.

[wutamess]

One more important thingy.... I did a browser history check on her laptop last week and saw that she'd been visiting a porn website. Told her to stay off of those sites.

[wutamess]

Yes this is the big brother age, everything is being recorded. Every move you make, every breath you take.

Sprint can't check texts online.

[soopamanluva]

We can give you advice but we don't know your little girl, You do. Somethings proposed here will work, some won't. You know how mature she is and what type of parenting techniques she will respond to. Just use your parental discernment and you will be fine.

[soopamanluva]

One more important thingy.... I did a browser history check on her laptop last week and saw that she'd been visiting a porn website. Told her to stay off of those sites.

Go into her setting and lock those out. Make yourself the administrator and limit her access to those.

[Fairplay]

When I was around nine, my dad was smoking. I tugged on his jacket and pointed at the cig. He said, "What, you want to try this?" I nodded eagerly. He handed it to me. I took a drag and choked, and spent the next half-hour coughing. He laughed his ass off. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes again. Around the same age, he would buy me little nips of blackberry brandy to try. While other kids were grousing about their parents not letting them drink, I was bragging that my dad bought me nips of blackberry brandy. Obviously I was only sipping on them occasionally, but the simple fact that it was not "off limits" to me made me not want to do it more. He also said, "If you want to get shitfaced, I'll go out and buy you all the beer you want, and you can get shitfaced right here in the house. If you try to go out and do it, I'll beat the crap out of you." And, of course, because that was more of a hard-ass line, I crossed it repeatedly, especially between 17 and 21 (drinking illegally at heavy metal concerts, driving while buzzed, etc.,.). But as soon as I hit 21, my drinking fell off to almost nothing. So I guess my dad did something right. (But I know, in today's world, you could never buy your kid nips of blackberry brandy. They'd take your kids away and throw you in jail.)



Father and son talks always bring a tear to my eye.

[soopamanluva]

If she hangs out with older cousins/ family members, be on top of that too. That's where I got ALL my info from. Cousins who were 6-8 years older than me.

[Fairplay]

One more important thingy.... I did a browser history check on her laptop last week and saw that she'd been visiting a porn website. Told her to stay off of those sites.



Set the restriction up on the laptop to safe search strict.

[R8RFAN]

Set the restriction up on the laptop to safe search strict.

better yet get a software for safe family surfing....
Fairplay, she could just click that safe surfin stuff off

[Brock]

I don't envy you. Teenage girls are hell on a dad.

[rockymtnchief]

One more important thingy.... I did a browser history check on her laptop last week and saw that she'd been visiting a porn website. Told her to stay off of those sites.

Damn, good luck.

I have a 12 year old daughter and I'm scared as hell with all the porn and sexting going on out there.

On her schools advice, we jumped my daughter from 5th grade to junior high. From dolls and hopscotch to a bunch of horny boys. So far she's handled it good (horses are more important), but I know what's lurking around the corner. Good luck to you.

[Lzen]

Damn, that would be tough to kick a grandkid to the curb like that. But I understand what you are saying.

It sounds harsh until you hear the other side of it. My dumb ass sister is too accepting of his behavior. She had a kid when she was a teen so I think that is part of it.

When her middle daughter was 16, she got pregnant. Instead of making a big deal out of it, she was almost too excited about it. She chose to raise the child while my niece was able to run and play and not be forced to be a mother. I think that is sending the absolute wrong message. Keep in mind that my neither my niece or my sister are married.

Then her oldest (son) is on his second kid (out of wedlock). He has no job and no way to support these kids. Sure, he's not a teen anymore (24), but he is not exactly ready to settle down and raise kids either.

Most recently, my sister's youngest kid got pregnant when she was 17 and still in high school (couple years ago). When I found out my sister made some smart ass comment about my son (who was 16 at the time) was next. I said fuck you, I'm not accepting of that behavior like she is. Yeah, I know it is possible and I can't control everything they do all the time. You have to hope you raised them right and they make the right decisions. But they know I will kill them if they make me a grandparent while still in my 30s or 40s.

[Fairplay]

better yet get a software for safe family surfing....
Fairplay, she could just click that safe surfin stuff off



Yes, but can't you just up a password on the laptop so she can't change it?

[R8RFAN]

Yes, but can't you just up a password on the laptop so she can't change it?

The problem is most teenagers are better with a pc than the parents

[Gracie Dean]

Please be sure to monitor her FB and other social network sites. I don't know how many of my students put pictures on there and show off their new found "glory" and it then gets spread around school and other schools then we have a huge mess.

I don't know why girls think that taking pictures of themselves in lowcut shirts woudn't get spread around.

Years later when they apply for career jobs, what they do now could come back to bite them.

[cabletech94]

Please be sure to monitor her FB and other social network sites. I don't know how many of my students put pictures on there and show off their new found "glory" and it then gets spread around school and other schools then we have a huge mess.

I don't know why girls think that taking pictures of themselves in lowcut shirts woudn't get spread around.

Years later when they apply for career jobs, what they do now could come back to bite them.

pics or it didn't happen!!!

:evil:

[Chiefnj2]

When you gave her the phone the first rules should have been:

1. Disable the web etc., which you did.
2. Tell her that she has no right to privacy on the phone. You paid for the phone and monthly bills, you get to review the history and texts whenever you want.
3. She isn't allowed to erase any messages or history without your consent.
4. When you find the things you did, you have to talk to her about it. Not only about the content of the exact message you are concerned about, but the fact that the texts can be copied/saved/sent to whoever.

Make sure that she understands when she tells one boy "her cup size, etc.," that there is a great likelihood that he is reading it with his friends and is passing it along. Don't say anything to anyone unless you don't mind the entire school knowing.

"In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose."
She's still you little girl when she turns 18 and will still need help and guidance. Your job isn't done because she hits some magical number.

[J Diddy]

Please be sure to monitor her FB and other social network sites. I don't know how many of my students put pictures on there and show off their new found "glory" and it then gets spread around school and other schools then we have a huge mess.

I don't know why girls think that taking pictures of themselves in lowcut shirts woudn't get spread around.

Years later when they apply for career jobs, what they do now could come back to bite them.


I've got a 14 year old and the rule on facebook is this. I must be a friend, you must not post anything that I can not see, if I find out that you do I make her delete the account. That being said I have caught some provocative pictures a couple of days ago and a 22 year old nigerian "friend" which I've stopped immediately. I have no illusions of total control and I'm sure she does post things that don't go through me but I've caught some and unless I want to monitor her internet activity 24/7 thats pretty much what I can hope for.

As far as the phone thing in the OP, she too has a phone. It too has been more of a hassle than anything else. I frequently check the charges as she has purchased outside ringtones in the past and blocked them and out of country text messages (the nigerian). She knows that her phone is open to inspection at any time and she also knows that sprint keeps a log of all pic messages sent. She also knows I am the only one who has access to add or delete those pictures.

My approach is to give her just enough rope to hang her self with. Hopefully she doesn't. If she puts herself into a bad position, I have enough controls to prevent it from becoming a catastrophe. This way, I feel, it can become a learning experience and not a tragedy.

[Gracie Dean]

we took our kids phone away at night and gave it to her in the mornings. She would talk to her friends all night and then be so tired at school.

[LocoChiefsFan]

I wouldn't grill her about her grinding and french kissing. That's normal behavior for many at that age. Plus, she could be lying to impress him. If you brought it up, she'd likely feel awkward and really pissed off at you.

Disclaimer: not a parent.

You shut your mouth!! My baby girl is gonna be 13 in Aug, and by god, this better not be normal behavior.lol!
edit: Just had a talk about this thread with my daughter and she asked what "grinding" was. When we explained it to her, she said, "GROSS!!"

I know we cant shelter them forever, but damn I'm not looking forward to this crap. I think it depends on the girl maturity level also. Mine is all about sports and could care less about boys THANK GOD!! Good luck Wutamess!!

[suzzer99]

Facebook is an incredible tool to stay in and keep track of our kid's social lives that our parents never had. Generally kids don't want to actively hide most of that stuff, they just aren't very forthcoming with it.

For my parents trying to get anything out of me abut my friends and social life was like pulling teeth. But if they could see it on FB (the g-rated version obviously) I probably wouldn't have minded so much. I just never wanted to sit down with them and talk about it.

Also kids don't realize how much we can figure out from just the g-rated versions of stuff. They don't realize we pulled the exact same shit. Use this to your advantage, but never let on. And don't bug them too much about what they post on facebook, or they'll shut down.

[Buehler445]

Look at Hootie contributing.

Anyway, I cannot have kids. Particularly girls. I would go to jail for mass genocide for killing all boys in the school system.

Best of luck Rog.

[suzzer99]

You shut your mouth!! My baby girl is gonna be 13 in Aug, and by god, this better not be normal behavior.lol!
edit: Just had a talk about this thread with my daughter and she asked what "grinding" was. When we explained it to her, she said, "GROSS!!"

I know we cant shelter them forever, but damn I'm not looking forward to this crap. I think it depends on the girl maturity level also. Mine is all about sports and could care less about boys THANK GOD!! Good luck Wutamess!!

This describes mine pretty well too thank God.

[J Diddy]

You shut your mouth!! My baby girl is gonna be 13 in Aug, and by god, this better not be normal behavior.lol!
edit: Just had a talk about this thread with my daughter and she asked what "grinding" was. When we explained it to her, she said, "GROSS!!"

I know we cant shelter them forever, but damn I'm not looking forward to this crap. I think it depends on the girl maturity level also. Mine is all about sports and could care less about boys THANK GOD!! Good luck Wutamess!!

Lol@ Jenson


All you need to know is "not a parent"

I too would come unhinged.

[J Diddy]

Look at Hootie contributing.

Anyway, I cannot have kids. Particularly girls. I would go to jail for mass genocide for killing all boys in the school system.

Best of luck Rog.



Well if you do have kids particularly a girl please inform us. That way we can get all our boys out of the school system.

[Buehler445]

Well if you do have kids particularly a girl please inform us. That way we can get all our boys out of the school system.

Will do buddy.

[FlaChief58]

I got a cell for my son when he was 13 with the understanding that it was mine to do with as I pleased as long as I payed the bill. I would ramdomly ask him for the phone and go through it to see what he was up to. The same applied to his computer (my space, facebook, etc). I would tell him to log on, then go through his messages. I never hid the fact I would be doing this, so if he tried to give me any lip about it I simply told him his options. Either you let me check up on you or there will be no phone or computer (except for homework). If chores were not done, the phone was taken for no less than 1 week.

He's out on his own now so I don't have to worry about it anymore. I would say that you should be honest with her about the situation and tell her how you will be handeling things in the future and most importantly, follow through with whatever the penalty is for not following the rules of the house.

[RedNFeisty]

I've got a 14 year old and the rule on facebook is this. I must be a friend, you must not post anything that I can not see, if I find out that you do I make her delete the account. That being said I have caught some provocative pictures a couple of days ago and a 22 year old nigerian "friend" which I've stopped immediately. I have no illusions of total control and I'm sure she does post things that don't go through me but I've caught some and unless I want to monitor her internet activity 24/7 thats pretty much what I can hope for.

As far as the phone thing in the OP, she too has a phone. It too has been more of a hassle than anything else. I frequently check the charges as she has purchased outside ringtones in the past and blocked them and out of country text messages (the nigerian). She knows that her phone is open to inspection at any time and she also knows that sprint keeps a log of all pic messages sent. She also knows I am the only one who has access to add or delete those pictures.

My approach is to give her just enough rope to hang her self with. Hopefully she doesn't. If she puts herself into a bad position, I have enough controls to prevent it from becoming a catastrophe. This way, I feel, it can become a learning experience and not a tragedy.

Kuddos, dad!! The key to any good relationship is communications. If the child knows the rules and the repercussions to breaking the rules, it turns out a little better.

Good luck with your daughter, I would have to lock her in a cell, if it were my daughter.

Granted, my son is going to be 10 in March, but we have great communication. My son and I are pretty close and talk about everything. We already discuss sex, it is everywhere, if he knows what happens now, maybe he will be less likely to be stupid on the subject. Plus, he knows he can talk to me about sex without feeling weird or ashamed.

Before giving me crap about my son being keen on the subject of sex, he is a big Family Guy and South Park fan (thanks to Dad), jokes have to be explained, once in a while my son hears...that joke will be best explained when your older, and he accepts that answer.

[R8RFAN]

Kuddos, dad!! The key to any good relationship is communications. If the child knows the rules and the repercussions to breaking the rules, it turns out a little better.

Good luck with your daughter, I would have to lock her in a cell, if it were my daughter.

Granted, my son is going to be 10 in March, but we have great communication. My son and I are pretty close and talk about everything. We already discuss sex, it is everywhere, if he knows what happens now, maybe he will be less likely to be stupid on the subject. Plus, he knows he can talk to me about sex without feeling weird or ashamed.

Before giving me crap about my son being keen on the subject of sex, he is a big Family Guy and South Park fan (thanks to Dad), jokes have to be explained, once in a while my son hears...that joke will be best explained when your older, and he accepts that answer.


will you talk to me about sex? pretty please? :D

[Easy 6]

Take the phone away from her for 2 weeks and have her talk with her mother about how far she's been and her grinding on someone at a dance.

Simple & to the point, and as pr capone says, dont overreact as it could just make things worse.

[J Diddy]

will you talk to me about sex? pretty please? :D

Yes don't do it. You will spawn demon children who look like al davis.

[L.A. Chieffan]

i have a 12 year old daughter and she sill thinks boys are gross. parenting superwin!

[R8RFAN]

i have a 12 year old daughter and she sill thinks boys are gross. parenting superwin!

Give it a year and see how that superwin is working for ya.

[J Diddy]

i have a 12 year old daughter and she sill thinks boys are gross. parenting superwin!

Yes at 12 my daughter thought boys were gross as well. Fast forward 2 years later and she's hormonally supercharged.


Premature win.

[L.A. Chieffan]

Give it a year and see how that superwin is working for ya.

i said she could go the social d concert the other nite and she didnt come back drunk or nothin

[L.A. Chieffan]

Yes at 12 my daughter thought boys were gross as well. Fast forward 2 years later and she's hormonally supercharged.


Premature win.

nah you guys just aint cool dads i guess

[Mosbonian]

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

wutamess:

My input for you....buy the following book it gives you some good tips.

"52 Things Kids Need from a Dad"

While it doesn't have every answer to every problem, it does give some good insight. But the best advice anyone should give you is that you know your child better than any of us, and you probably already know the answer to your own questions.

Good luck.

[J Diddy]

i said she could go the social d concert the other nite and she didnt come back drunk or nothin


lol

[J Diddy]

nah you guys just aint cool dads i guess


My child can be my friend when she's an adult. Until then that's not my job.

[L.A. Chieffan]

My child can be my friend when she's an adult. Until then that's not my job.

my job is to make sure she aint on the pole and my son aint on the pipe

[R8RFAN]

i said she could go the social d concert the other nite and she didnt come back drunk or nothin

God bless you and her :)

Just hang tight a yr and get back to me....

P.S. My daughter is 14

[Donger]

The "problem" isn't the phone. Sounds like she's becoming active regardless of the phone.

[Jenson71]

What would Chinese Tiger Mother do?

[J Diddy]

my job is to make sure she aint on the pole and my son aint on the pipe


Lol, I might recommend setting the bar a little higher.:D

[J Diddy]

What would Chinese Tiger Mother do?

The can't use phones. They have no thumbs.

[ZepSinger]

I also have a 13 yr.old daughter, and almost the same situation as yours occurred (although it didn't get past the 'have you ever kissed a boy?' stage). When we found out about it, we brought her into our bedroom and sat down to discuss the matter with her. We did not yell; we simply wore our 'serious' faces and told her that this was inappropriate conversation for a girl of her age.

She was initially mortified that we found out, and then became a bawling mess from embarrassment and shame. I really think that discussing the issue with her in love vs. screaming and the threat of punishment was the best way to go.

Of course, she knows now that at any time, I will ask who she's texting and will need to read the texts if I am suspicious in the slightest.

With 2 more daughters coming up after her, I expect to be 100% gray within 5 years.

Z

[R8RFAN]

how many of you all have daughters that erase every text they get and make when they come in?

Mine does, but right now we do not let her do much without mom and dad.
Thank God she does not like to do sleepovers...

[J Diddy]

how many of you all have daughters that erase every text they get and make when they come in?

Mine does, but right now we do not let her do much without mom and dad.
Thank God she does not like to do sleepovers...

Me too, and she likes sleep overs. :(

[R8RFAN]

Me too, and she likes sleep overs. :(

see thats what worries me, my sister was 2 years younger than me and some of her friends were my age, now I never banged them when I was 12 or anything but I sure could have if I wouldn't have been scared....

I would not let her go to any sleepover a boy is at unless he is like 6 or 7

that includes 15-16 yr old boys, you are playing with fire if you do

[J Diddy]

see thats what worries me, my sister was 2 years younger than me and some of her friends were my age, now I never banged them when I was 12 or anything but I sure could have if I wouldn't have been scared....

I would not let her go to any sleepover a boy is at unless he is like 6 or 7

that includes 15-16 yr old boys, you are playing with fire if you do

Yeah turns out that her buddy that she wants to spend the night at all the times parents are never there....and she has a 16 year old brother, I found that out and went and got her.

[R8RFAN]

Yeah turns out that her buddy that she wants to spend the night at all the times parents are never there....and she has a 16 year old brother, I found that out and went and got her.

hell no dude..... make the girls come to YOUR house then ...

Bad enough to have a horny 16 yr old in the house but a horny 16 yr old with no parents home? Not happening

[NewChief]

i said she could go the social d concert the other nite and she didnt come back drunk or nothin

Mike Ness thanks you.

[Rudy tossed tigger's salad]

My mother once asked me if masturbated. I was 12. I told her that was gross and went to my room to masturbate.

[Extra Point]

IMO ZepSinger's right, and LAChieffan. See the floor? Ask how many friends she has that are pregnant? Put the serious face on, reinforce the talk. Her ceiling means a lot to you, as you want her to enjoy as much success as she can. Boys can be trouble, and we sure know how they think! 2 cents....

[wutamess]

OK, read the topic for the post talk update.
Critiques wanted.

Can't believe I'm that guy to ask CP for advice but thanks guys.
Great ideas and input.

[R8RFAN]

OK, read the topic for the post talk update.
Critiques wanted.

Can't believe I'm that guy to ask CP for advice but thanks guys.
Great ideas and input.

You have to wade thorough alot of bullshit but there are some fart smuckers here

[wutamess]

IMO ZepSinger's right, and LAChieffan. See the floor? Ask how many friends she has that are pregnant? Put the serious face on, reinforce the talk. Her ceiling means a lot to you, as you want her to enjoy as much success as she can. Boys can be trouble, and we sure know how they think! 2 cents....

None of her friends are pregnant. She's/they're 13. :eek:
She's in all kinds of sports/social activities in one of the best school districts in the area.

[J Diddy]

None of her friends are pregnant. She's/they're 13. :eek:
She's in all kinds of sports/social activities in one of the best school districts in the area.

The high school I went to now has daycare so the mothers won't drop out. Webb City has one of the finest sports programs in the area.

edit: that's what a current student told me but I haven't confirmed

[wutamess]

The high school I went to now has daycare so the mothers won't drop out. Webb City has one of the finest sports programs in the area.

edit: that's what a current student told me but I haven't confirmed

I meant KC metro. Some of the highest MAP testing scores in MO.

[soopamanluva]

I thought you did pretty well. Might have driven home the pregnancy angle a little more along with the STD's tho.

[Hammock Parties]

Sounds like she's scared shitless of sex. Good job.

[R8RFAN]

Sounds like she's scared shitless of sex. Good job.
103,061 posts :shake:

[doomy3]

103,361 posts :shake:

wutamess's daughter isn't the only one who is scared shitless of sex.

[Hammock Parties]

BTW, I was clearly wrong about getting her mother to do the honors. It's obvious that little girl does not want to upset or disappoint daddy.

[Chief Pote]

I still have nightmares when both of our kids were between the ages of 13 to 15. Wait a minute, it was between 16 to 21...no wait a minute they were between the ages of 21 and 30. Damn it, this parenting thing sure gives you gray hairs. ROFL

[stevieray]

good job.

been down this road.


..two pieces of advice.

1) ask yourself, are you being the kind of husband/father you want her to grow up and marry?

2)let her know she's special, and that she needs to remember that when she finally does decide to give HERSELF to someone, they need to be special too. noone can give away her self respect except her.

I asked my oldest once if she wanted to go through high school being known as the slut who would be with anyone. I also told her that if she decided to do something, most of the school would know within days...sometimes fear can be a great motivator...the key is give them the information, so they can realize the situation on their own, and choose accordingly. that way, you don't come off in a negative way.

rog, you've got a great heart, your girls know this, even if they don't "know" it yet. stay the course, and be the dad.

grey hair central.

[R8RFAN]

good job.

been down this road.


..two pieces of advice.

1) ask yourself, are you being the kind of husband/father you want her to grow up and marry?

2)let her know she's special, and that she needs to remember that when she finally does decide to give HERSELF to someone, they need to be special too. noone can give away her self respect except her.

I asked my oldest once if she wanted to go through high school being known as the slut who would be with anyone. I also told her that if she decided to do soemthing, most of the school would know within days.

rog, you've got a great heart, your girls know this, even if they don't "know" it yet. stay the course, and be the dad.

grey hair central.

thats excellent advice, thanks

[JD10367]

OK, read the topic for the post talk update.
Critiques wanted.

Can't believe I'm that guy to ask CP for advice but thanks guys.
Great ideas and input.

Update sounds good, but you might want to let your wife handle the personal sex talk about touching yourself and all those womanly changes.

To clarify, let your wife talk to your daughter about touching herself.

If your wife touches herself, on the other hand, please ask her to log in and provide us pics. kthxbye. ;)

[J Diddy]

103,061 posts :shake:

mostly about nothing

[googlegoogle]

http://myportfolio.usc.edu/dupuie/assets_c/2009/09/Sanchez%20declares-thumb-300x300-8776.jpg

[MOhillbilly]

Shame is a powerfull weapon. Extra duty, grounding, setting the punishment and making it stick.

[Fairplay]

Watching all those episodes of Ward and June Cleaver handling issues with their kids paid off down the road.

[mcan]

I haven't read the responses, but overall I like the fact that you were straight up with your daughter about a lot of serious issues. But you HAVE to be careful. Some of what you said can seriously fuck a girls LONG TERM sex life up. These are her formative years. And shaming her into thinking that sex is dangerous and wrong and all boys are monsters might relieve you from the stress of the short term. Might even "save her" from some potentially bad decisions and consequences. But you also run the risk of stunting her personal develpment and giving her some serious issues, which she might resent you for later, if she gets over them.

[tooge]

whew. sorry, no advice for you. I'm just glad 2012 gets here before my daughter turns 13. If the world doesn't end, then I'm hoping someone much better at dealing with teenage girls comes along and teaches me how to do it. Good luck

[suzzer99]

Just show an interest in her life, build her self-esteem as much as you possibly can, keep her involved in sports and/or other positive activities that she likes, and pray she doesn't fall in with the wrong boyfriend or crowd. But if you do the first 3 things right, the chances of the 4th will be much lowered.

[mcan]

Just don't lie to kids about sex and you'll be fine. Your job as a parent (imo) is to PREPARE a kid for adulthood. Let them know what YOUR idea of a healthy sex life is, and what age you atarted and what age you wished you'd have started and why. Tell them about how excited or embarrassed you were. Tell them all the bad and good advice you got and what you learned and how. Unfortunately, your sons and daughters have to start someday, as painful as it might be. You just want to make sure they start off on the right foot so they're future love life will be healthy and fun and safe. Tell them how common stds are and why (make sure YOU know the real information though). Tell them about pregnancy and the very REAL risk of getting into a bad spot if they aren't careful. Talk to them about alcohol!

Overall the idea should be, "becoming an adult is a lot of fun if you pace yourself. If you hurry the process you might look back and regret it. Not because 'adult' things are BAD, they're actually really great, but because they come with responsibilities and consequences that a 13 or 14 year old isn't ready for."

[el borracho]

Try to drive home two points, IMO:

1. Guys lie to get what they want
2. Most girls wish they had waited

Disclaimer: I have no children

[Rausch]

Try to drive home two points, IMO:

1. ALL Guys lie to get what they want
2. Most girls wish they had waited

Disclaimer: I have no children

FYP

I do have kids.

And soon to be 4 grandkids.

Still the best advice...

[suzzer99]

Try to drive home two points, IMO:

1. Guys lie to get what they want
2. Most girls wish they had waited

Disclaimer: I have no children

Oh yeah. I ingrained "men are pigs" at a young age until she would just repeat it by rote every time she told me about something stupid a boy had done. "Right, and what did I tell you?" "I know... men are pigs."

The first time I really drove home the point was when she was in like 8th grade. She and her friend served a bunch of littler kids ice cream at an elementary school talent show. She was totally annoyed by the boys who would build some concoction with all the toppings, take one bite and decide they didn't like it, then throw it away and come back for more.

I told her yep, you are seeing boys in their base element right there. And they will do the same thing to you if you let them.