Who would win in a fight to the death between Simply Red and Zach?

[Hammock Parties]

The setting:

Small, enclosed arena with no exits. Enough room to maneuver, but not quite enough room for someone just to run away from their opponent.

The weapons:

Each contestant is armed with a heavy rubber mallet and a small flask of hydrochloric acid.

http://one04design.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/mallet2.jpg

http://anthembranding.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Burton-Rubber-Flask-02.png

The rules:

There are no rules.

A small crowd of CP spectators watches through mirrored windows.

[Buck]

Simply Red in a blowout.

[Mr_Tomahawk]

What's the background between these two...?

Are they lovers?

[Ebolapox]

ROFL

[Ebolapox]

they likely end up sucking each others' dicks, though.

[Hammock Parties]

This is the kind of mallet I am talking about if you need more details.

http://one04design.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/mallet2.jpg

[KurtCobain]

Simply Red and he would then dress Zach's body up in stylish fashion.

[Hammock Parties]

A rubber flask ensures it will not be used as a weapon:

http://anthembranding.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Burton-Rubber-Flask-02.png

[Bugeater]

Zach would just bore him to death.

[Rain Man]

How small is the arena?

[cdcox]

Hydrochloric acid is pretty wimpy as a weapon.

I'd take nitric, sulfuric, fluoric or even glacial acetic acid over hydrochloric. Kinda ruins the whole thread.

[Hammock Parties]

Hydrochloric acid is pretty wimpy as a weapon.

I'd take nitric, sulfuric, fluoric or even glacial acetic acid over hydrochloric. Kinda ruins the whole thread.

The weapon is not intended to be lethal. Think of it as more of a distraction or hindrance.

A cunning warrior would employ it well.

[lewdog]

Zach would just bore him to death.

ROFL

Hey, did you hear about soccer..................

[KurtCobain]

How small is the arena?

rainman saw this thread and got all excited.

[Hammock Parties]

How small is the arena?

Let's say it's about 12x10.

[Rams Fan]

Is there padding or no padding in this arena?

[Bugeater]

ROFL

Hey, did you hear about soccer..................
Exactly. Simply Red puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger. Zach wins by default.

[Lumpy]

I don't care to know what this is about, but I went w/ SR.

[Hammock Parties]

Is there padding or no padding in this arena?

The floors and walls are all constructed of wood. It's solid construction. We had Phobia do it all.

[Hammock Parties]

I don't care to know what this is about.

This is about bloodsport.

http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs1/1811962_o.gif

[Rain Man]

Let's say it's about 12x10.

That's a really small arena. How big is a boxing ring? I'm not questioning you, though.

For some reason, I think Zach is bigger so he's got an advantage in a smaller ring. If it was bigger I'd go with Simply Red, but in a small ring I think Zach wins.

If Simply Red is bigger I'll change my vote.

[tk13]

How much did we pay Phobia to construct this wooden space?

[Hammock Parties]

Exactly. Simply Red puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger

Simply Red has Jovan Belcher's gun, but all nine rounds have been expended.

[PunkinDrublic]

Tap out clothing.

[Rams Fan]

Is a cup of hot coffee in a plastic cup present?

[Hammock Parties]

How much did we pay Phobia to construct this wooden space?

$500.

[tk13]

Is this treated wood or untreated wood?

[Hammock Parties]

Is a cup of hot coffee in a plastic cup present?

Yes, but it's on a perch that's about 8.87642 feet above the floor.

The coffee is decaf, and it's very hot. 1 sugar, 1 non-dairy creamer.

[Hammock Parties]

Is this treated wood or untreated wood?

It will be treated...with blood.

[Rams Fan]

What about the roof? What is the shape of it? Is it supported well?

[KCUnited]

$500.

Just materials, or labor + materials?

[Shogun]

What kind of nails used to construct this room? This is key.

[KCUnited]

Soccer in the face, Red.

[RealSNR]

In an arena that small, it becomes more about quickness and being able to quickly dodge frequent attacks from that mallet.

Simply Red has Zach beat on this. I think the hydrochloric acid is worthless, unless Zach were able to squash Simply Red on the floor and force him to drink it.

I will take Simply Red

[Lumpy]

This is about bloodsport.

http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs1/1811962_o.gif

Shit. Why didn't you just say so in the OP?

:popcorn:

[RealSNR]

People are forgetting that this is a heavy rubber mallet.

One decent blow to the head is all it takes to at least knock the other guy out.

[Shogun]

Also, what is the weather like? Is it storming?

[RealSNR]

Also, what is the weather like? Is it storming?

Yes. It's a dark and stormy night.

[DaFace]

I'm gonna go with Zach. While I like SR most of the time, Zach could probably insult him in such a way that he'd run away and refuse to come back (then show back up a month or two later).

[lewdog]

Is a bathroom break involved? If not, I could definitely see piss and feces becoming a large part in this fight.

[Lumpy]

Are there midgets?

(This is important)

[Hammock Parties]

What about the roof? What is the shape of it? Is it supported well?

The roof is a thin mesh so that birds don't crap on competitors and some degree of stench can still escape.


Just materials, or labor + materials?

The labor was Phobia's gift to The Chiefsplanetiseum.


What kind of nails used to construct this room? This is key.

No nails. Phobia used industrial strength wood glue only.

[threebag]

Zoccer is jacking of to his own soccer talk while giving himself an acid enema. SR can't survive the close confines and kills himself with blunt force trauma. As he falls the the ground Zoccer blows snot on SR and yells G-G-G-G-O-A-L!!!!!!!!!

[Shogun]

No nails. Phobia used industrial strength wood glue only.

My god

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/conspiracy-keanu-template.jpg

[Iowanian]

Zach reminds me of Peta from the Hunger games book.


Does he have a chic with him that can shoot a bow in the middle of a back flip and take a testicle off of a field mouse at 150 yardss?

[Hammock Parties]

Also, what is the weather like? Is it storming?

It's 108 degrees. The spectators are air conditioned, however.

Is a bathroom break involved? If not, I could definitely see piss and feces becoming a large part in this fight.

Every 20 minutes each contestant may relieve themselves through a small hole in the wall. However, each hole is a portal to the other hole. Kind of like this:

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTbk15PYlO8q5wJaQkOJWvH64SkcUqWHS_02age4rud_rHqunJoGWJ30tM1

Be careful what you stick in the hole.

[Hammock Parties]

Are there midgets?

(This is important)

The Official Chiefsplanetiseum Rulebook CLEARLY states NO MIDGETS.

[Shogun]

It's 108 degrees. The spectators are air conditioned, however.



Every 20 minutes each contestant may relieve themselves through a small hole in the wall. However, each hole is a portal to the other hole. Kind of like this:

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTbk15PYlO8q5wJaQkOJWvH64SkcUqWHS_02age4rud_rHqunJoGWJ30tM1

Be careful what you stick in the hole.


woah woah woah here. Spectators? So there will be windows?

[threebag]

The Official Chiefsplanetiseum Rulebook CLEARLY states NO MIDGETS.

You just pissed FrankoTank way the fuck off.

[Hammock Parties]

woah woah woah here. Spectators? So there will be windows?

As the OP states:

A small crowd of CP spectators watches through mirrored windows.

[Lumpy]

The Official Chiefsplanetiseum Rulebook CLEARLY states NO MIDGETS.

That's just bullshit. :harumph:

[Iowanian]

If SR could work up a kick to the head, he'd surely temporarily blind Zach with freshly polished loafers shined to perfection with a touch of lemon zest.

[KurtCobain]

Out of these two, who balls the hardest?

[BigMeatballDave]

SR, because I heard Zach has a vagina.

[threebag]

Reds the ****ing Baller Brah

[Shogun]

As the OP states:

shiiiiii.......... there gonna be BUCKETS of sweat from this scenario. not sure if it was stated, but are the men shirtless? if so. I think we should do this. Cover them in egg yolk and and whites. scatter a ton of flour all over the room. after they wrestle and one of them are dead. the winner must collect all of the dough that they made during wrestling to the death, they must bake some bread with the dough and feed it to scott pioli

[RealSNR]

shiiiiii.......... there gonna be BUCKETS of sweat from this scenario. not sure if it was stated, but are the men shirtless? if so. I think we should do this. Cover them in egg yolk and and whites. scatter a ton of flour all over the room. after they wrestle and one of them are dead. the winner must collect all of the dough that they made during wrestling to the death, they must bake some bread with the dough and feed it to scott pioli

http://static1.fjcdn.com/comments/thats+messed+up+bro+_5ea5094edce3fb6fbf1a994eac801f5d.jpg

[KcMizzou]

I'll take Zach. He's a former offensive lineman. He'd pancake SR when SR told him he was wearing the wrong shoes for autumn.

[Hammock Parties]

shiiiiii.......... there gonna be BUCKETS of sweat from this scenario. not sure if it was stated, but are the men shirtless?

Each gladiator is clad only in officially sanctioned tournament wear.

http://www.snuggieblanketfortwo.com/snuggies/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/the-snuggie.jpg

It may not be removed.

[threebag]

I'll take Zach. He's a former offensive lineman. He'd pancake SR when SR told him he was wearing the wrong shoes for autumn.

So Zach is wearing white cleats?

[Hammock Parties]

So Zach is wearing white cleats?

Competitors may only wear thin rubber sandals.

[threebag]

Are they ribbed? So they can get traction in the mudd?

[Hammock Parties]

Are they ribbed?

Yes. They're also lubricated.

[cdcox]

Each gladiator is clad only in officially sanctioned tournament wear.

http://www.snuggieblanketfortwo.com/snuggies/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/the-snuggie.jpg

It may not be removed.

Since SR wouldn't be caught dead in that, it gives him the extra motivation to win.

[KurtCobain]

So Zach is wearing white cleats?

He'd better not after labor day, sr would fuck him up.

[TLO]

ROFLthey likely end up sucking each others' dicks, though.

[Al Bundy]

Simply Red, then take plenty of high-res pics of Zach's naked, dead body and post them at Livestrong Park.

[Hammock Parties]

This woman is cheerleading the event.

http://i.imgur.com/qTL9H.gif

[Goldmember]

Will this fight take place before, or after, a bowel movement?

[Hammock Parties]

Will this fight take place before, or after, a bowel movement?

Both competitors receive a full, thorough colonic prior to the event.

[Ace Gunner]

okay, so this is tit fighting only. hmmmm

[Shogun]

Will there be a buffet present?

[Ace Gunner]

and the winner gets one of these pillows personally autographed by richard simmons
http://www.amlinkmarble.com/stone_resources/image/pillow.jpg

[threebag]

http://canyaheelme.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/womens-cleats4_thumb.jpg

[Hammock Parties]

Will there be a buffet present?

Just for the spectators in the AC.

[Brando]

In this proposed scenario we all win.

[mikey23545]

Zach and SR "stretching out" before the contest begins...

http://img818.imageshack.us/img818/9281/21631055.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/818/21631055.jpg/)

[mikey23545]

The "winning move" by SR:


http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/9476/gaysoccer.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/145/gaysoccer.jpg/)

[mikey23545]

After the contest - no hard feelings...

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/6389/gaykissing4.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/145/gaykissing4.jpg/)

[Fairplay]

After the contest - no hard feelings...

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/6389/gaykissing4.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/145/gaykissing4.jpg/)



These kind of endings get me all choked up.

I'm glad the two kissed and made up.

Making up is the funnest part they say.

[Brando]

After the contest - no hard feelings...

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/6389/gaykissing4.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/145/gaykissing4.jpg/)

Clayton and Nick are sooooo in love!

[Fairplay]

The "winning move" by SR:


http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/9476/gaysoccer.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/145/gaysoccer.jpg/)



Uncle SR! Uncle SR!

[Fairplay]

.............the next day

http://i.imgur.com/Ga9qK.jpghttp://

[rico]

Simply Red with his mad gangsta skills he picked up on the metro.........sexual.

[Fairplay]

http://i.imgur.com/VbqDf.jpg

[Al Bundy]

This is a lot of gay soccer shit.

[Sorter]

This is a lot of gay soccer shit.

This.

[Fairplay]

yep

[TimeForWasp]

Will there be banners flying?

[BlackHelicopters]

In this matchup, we all win.

[patteeu]

Do either of them have angel wings tattooed on their back?

http://mmaop.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/BensonWings.jpg

[threebag]

No But Zach has tits drawn on his back with a chisel point Sharpie.

[Sweet Daddy Hate]

SR is in shape and handles his liquor well. SR FTW.

[|Zach|]

SR is too sensitive to even be on a message board for any regular amount of time.

[Hammock Parties]

So this thread was better than the game.

[Bump]

Simply Red would dominate that bitch and then photograph herself tea bagging him in a very artsy way.

[lewdog]

Simply Red would dominate that bitch and then photograph herself tea bagging him in a very artsy way.

Simply Red is a woman?

:spock:
:eek:

[Bump]

Simply Red is a woman?

:spock:
:eek:

lol

oops

[lewdog]

lol

oops

Freudian slip over the internet? gotcha.

[In58men]

Both of them are bitches. It would be a shit show.

[T-post Tom]

Simply Red is a woman?

:spock:
:eek:

Not sure I want to know a woman that can teabag someone. :p

[Simply Red]

Looks like I did - but i have no issue w/ Zach (I used to) but I really don't - he's fine.

[Simply Red]

SR is too sensitive to even be on a message board for any regular amount of time.

haha - not really anymore.

[Reerun_KC]

Great thread

[Simply Red]

Great thread

hahaha

[Pasta Little Brioni]

SR vs smed....in a STEEL cage

[Simply Red]

SR vs smed....in a STEEL cage

The fight would get called in the 1st.

[Saccopoo]

Jesus H. stop dancing Christ.

If it's this retarded on CP right now, what are we to expect for the off season?

[Prison Bitch]

Red would win, then rip his heart out and eat it. Then kill Fat Zach's friends watching

[Reerun_KC]

Jesus H. stop dancing Christ.

If it's this retarded on CP right now, what are we to expect for the off season?

Um we're about to the offseason. So we're just getting warmed up...

Buckle up nympho. It's gonna be epic !

[Simply Red]

Jesus H. stop dancing Christ.

If it's this retarded on CP right now, what are we to expect for the off season?

http://i68.tinypic.com/246unmc.jpg

[Rausch]

I've met Zach and I've never met SR, so this is an uneducated opinion.

I have, however, seen Zach pissed and I think he might have some repressed anger he could tap into for a Street Fighter finishing move.

I say Zach...

[Rausch]

you kunt

See, now this is why I hate betting on $3it I don't know about...

[Simply Red]

See, now this is why I hate betting on $3it I don't know about...

i would take zach, trust me - but it's okay because it'd never happen - we've mended our relationship.