Most Disgusting Acts During Sex

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Choose 1), 2), or both

1) What is the most unwanted sexual act someone tried to, or did perform, on you?

2) What is the most disgusting thing that has happened to you whilst performing or receiving a sex act?


I'll go first:

1) When messing around with a one night stand in college she began orally pleasuring me. During the midst of said pleasures, she snuck her pointer finger past my taint and tried to go knuckle deep in my ass. I screamed "What the FUCK?!" while I clenched my cheeks together so tightly that I could have bent a rod of tungsten at a right angle.

2) Another one night stand was performing oral pleasures again. I pushed the back of her head down, which forced my dick head into the back of her throat. This initiated her gag reflex, and she expelled a stomach full of Taco Bell and Michelob Ultra on my mid-section.

[Gadzooks]

Pfft... We've all gone through that.

[notorious]

Period Sex.

That's all I got.



A buddy of mine seen a guy come out of a Bedroom with a "Joker" smile, if you know what I mean.

[-King-]

I've farted more than a few times while getting head. The face they make is fucking hilarious LMAO

[Sassy Squatch]

Period Sex.

That's all I got.



A buddy of mine seen a guy come out of a Bedroom with a "Joker" smile, if you know what I mean.
Retch

[Gadzooks]

Period Sex.

That's all I got.



A buddy of mine seen a guy come out of a Bedroom with a "Joker" smile, if you know what I mean.

He earned his Red Wings. (Hell's Angels badge). Don't ask about the Brown Wings...

[-King-]

Period Sex.

That's all I got.



You win. http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/1816723/dry-heave-o.gif

['Hamas' Jenkins]

I wouldn't go down on someone during period sex, but otherwise I always just moved the coitus to the shower.

[notorious]

You win. http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view3/1816723/dry-heave-o.gif

It's not bad, it's not good.


It is what it is. Going in, if I would have known, I wouldn't have been game.

[teedubya]

Oh...

I was banging this hot blonde about 15-20 years ago... and she was WAY wetter than usual... when we got done, it looked like OJ had been there and murdered us both. That blood soaked through her comforter, sheet, eggshell foam cushion and the mattress.

I never fucked her again after that. She was a 9, also... but I was repulsed. Oh man, sooo nasty.

[Gadzooks]

I missed the "a" in "She was a 9". I was about to call the police.

[notorious]

I missed the "a" in "She was a 9". I was about to call the police.

Me too


I thought he was making a joke. LMAO

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Oh...

I was banging this hot blonde about 15-20 years ago... and she was WAY wetter than usual... when we got done, it looked like OJ had been there and murdered us both. That blood soaked through her comforter, sheet, eggshell foam cushion and the mattress.

I never fucked her again after that. She was a 9, also... but I was repulsed. Oh man, sooo nasty.

I bet that smelled horrific.

I'm also waiting for the guy who will admit to getting backfire while ass blasting someone.

[notorious]

I bet that smelled horrific.

I'm also waiting for the guy who will admit to getting backfire while ass blasting someone.

My best friend from Carson (LA) told me his story of that happening to him in HS.


It wasn't backfire, though, just ooz. (Puke)

['Hamas' Jenkins]

My best friend from Carson (LA) told me his story of that happening to him.


It wasn't backfire, though, just ooz :LINN:

What was the secret of the ooze?

[J Diddy]

Drunk. She was trying to get me up, pissed all down her throat. It was okay, though, she was fat.

[ReynardMuldrake]

Period Sex.

That's all I got.



A buddy of mine seen a guy come out of a Bedroom with a "Joker" smile, if you know what I mean.

He didn't notice the skin wallet tasted like old pennies? Or just didn't care?

[notorious]

He didn't notice the skin wallet tasted like old pennies? Or just didn't care?

That's what it tastes like?


How the fuck do you know this? :eek:

[J Diddy]

He didn't notice the skin wallet tasted like old pennies? Or just didn't care?

LMAO

[Third Eye]

1. Girl I used to fool around with wanted to go all dominatrix on me. No thanks, I'm not a submissive by any stretch.

2. Drunk girl vomited all over my bed while I was doing the deed from behind.

Nothing too crazy in either category. I have heard a few horror stories from friends though. Girl I went to high school with literally shit the bed while a buddy of mine was pleasuring her anally. Also, a friend of mine from my first time through college (happens to be the son of a minor Kansas City celeb) let a girl tie him up. She left the room and came back wearing nothing but a strap-on. He swears that he talked her out of it, but I'm honestly not so sure.

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Drunk. She was trying to get me up, pissed all down her throat. It was okay, though, she was fat.

http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/mj-laughing.gif

['Hamas' Jenkins]

That's what it tastes like?


How the fuck do you know this? :eek:

Blood tastes like copper.

[Dr. Gigglepants]

Hilarious thread.

Period sex...once...never again. The murder analogy is spot on.

Shitty dick happens.

I've learned over the years that good sex is dirty, but not so much when you actually have to shower afterwards.

[notorious]

Blood tastes like copper.

It's looks and smells different when it comes from the love box.


I'd rather just say "OK" and not think about it anymore.

[notorious]

The "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" author owns the thread topic.

[Hootie]

I fuck girls on their periods all the time. Whatever. Blood.

Amazingly I don't have any weird or gross stories but one of my ex's used to get drunk wtih me and pass out and piss on me like 5 times a week. I can't tell you how many times we flipped the mattress but it got to the point where I'm not sure it was helping.

['Hamas' Jenkins]

As an addendum to my 2) story. I quickly hopped in the shower, forced her to clean up the floor, brush her teeth, and then I titty fucked her to climax.

Ahh, college...

[Just Passin' By]

Period Sex.

That's all I got.



A buddy of mine seen a guy come out of a Bedroom with a "Joker" smile, if you know what I mean.

When the red tide's around, you can still swim in the ocean. You just can't eat the clams.

[MeatRock]

It's not bad, it's not good.


It is what it is. Going in, if I would have known, I wouldn't have been game.

LMAO

[MeatRock]

I **** girls on their periods all the time. Whatever. Blood.

Amazingly I don't have any weird or gross stories but one of my ex's used to get drunk wtih me and pass out and piss on me like 5 times a week. I can't tell you how many times we flipped the mattress but it got to the point where I'm not sure it was helping.

Dude. What?

[BryanBusby]

Period Sex.

That's all I got.

Sometimes you just gotta go head (not your actual head though...) first into a murder scene.

[TribalElder]

I hope your not still handing out sensual poundings on that spring loaded piss puddle

[MeatRock]

I hope your not still handing out sensual poundings on that spring loaded piss puddle

After the first time that bitch would have been done. Flipping the mattress? LMAO Get a new fucking mattress for fucks sake. Literally.

[Dunerdr]

I got " cheese cupped" aka mouth full o fart while orally fertilizing the anal garden of my now wife that time on again off Again. That in itself is ironic because when i was 13 my buddys dad is half snockered grabs my shoulder and says to me "dont ever lick a womans asshole unless you plan to marry her. Shes gonna love you forever, she might hate you but she WILL love you forever."

[Psyko Tek]

I got " cheese cupped" aka mouth full o fart while orally fertilizing the anal garden of my now wife that time on again off Again. That in itself is ironic because when i was 13 my buddys dad is half snockered grabs my shoulder and says to me "dont ever lick a womans asshole unless you plan to marry her. Shes gonna love you forever, she might hate you but she WILL love you forever."

THAT IS TRUE WISDOM THERE

[bevischief]

Some of you have issues...ROFLROFL And maybe help...

[Mojo Jojo]

Hilarious thread.

Period sex...once...never again. The murder analogy is spot on.

Shitty dick happens.

I've learned over the years that good sex is dirty, but not so much when you actually have to shower afterwards.

I see what you did there...

[Rudy tossed tigger's salad]

I've never gone down on a girl while she was on her period, but I have friends who don't mind it. I suppose I'd try it, but I dont think i will ever initiate it.

Don't really have any crazy stories. Once I briefly dated a single mother, and on the way down, I kissed her c-section scar. It felt odd.

[Titty Meat]

Eating a gal out only realizing I went too far and her bhole was hairy

[lcarus]

I fuck girls on their periods all the time. Whatever. Blood.

Amazingly I don't have any weird or gross stories but one of my ex's used to get drunk wtih me and pass out and piss on me like 5 times a week. I can't tell you how many times we flipped the mattress but it got to the point where I'm not sure it was helping.

Your mattress became Paul Bunyan's adult diaper after a while?

[Titty Meat]

As an addendum to my 2) story. I quickly hopped in the shower, forced her to clean up the floor, brush her teeth, and then I titty fucked her to climax.

Ahh, college...

Titty fucking really is the best.

[Pepe Silvia]

I've done a few, I guess the most disgusting thing I've done and continue to do is tongue girls assholes before I plow the **** out of it. Several girls have also returned the favor but I will only let sluts eat my ass, I've never wanted any of my serious gf's doing that for sure.

[MMXcalibur]

Doing a one-night stand doggy style. I "slipped" into her ass.

....yup.

[DaneMcCloud]

Not having sex

[Lumpy]

Not having sex

Not having sex can be a disgusting act during sex?

[Titty Meat]

Dane doesn't even kiss his dame after a bj.

[Just Passin' By]

Dane doesn't even kiss his dame after a bj.

They charge extra for that.

[LiveSteam]

Not having sex can be a disgusting act during sex?

LMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAO

[lcarus]

Not having sex can be a disgusting act during sex?

Nobody likes a wet noodle.

[Dayze]

Did a girl in the navy at her place. She raced horses in those barrel racers. Great body. Bangin her away and she wants me to get her from behind. I oblige. She reaches into her dresser drawer and whips out a butt plug. Tells me to put it in her ass. Damn thing was about the size of one of those glade things from back in the 80s. It had sort of a flange on it I guess to prevent it from getting sucked in. Man, that bitch was insane with that thing and my wiener in her. I thought she was getting murdered.

Chowing down at clam town, extremely shitfaced. Like couldn't function drunk. Proceeded to barf all over her bed. Finished the job. I worked at a cheesesteak place in the mall and barfed up my Philly cheesesteak.

[TinyEvel]

Not me, but I had a buddy in high school whose girl was about to give him a Beej and she sprayed Binacca on it first. He said it felt like acid on his member.

He jumped up screaming and ran to the bathroom to wash it off i this sink. She said, "I wanted it to taste good." We are talking about 16 year old high school kids. Derp.

Oh, also this...
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/E40NreievZI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[MMXcalibur]

Had a Boar I really hated,Every time I took him out he tried to cut me. I never could de tusk him because he was too agressive. So one time I got him to the collection chamber and when he mounted the dummy I jumped up and got behind him and kicked him as hard as I could in the Nuts. Just like punting a football 70 yards. He jumped down and chased me back to his pen. I had to jump out. I then went to my truck and got the Ruger SuperBlackhawk .44 mag and shot his ass.

LMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAO

[mdchiefsfan]

Had a Boar I really hated,Every time I took him out he tried to cut me. I never could de tusk him because he was too agressive. So one time I got him to the collection chamber and when he mounted the dummy I jumped up and got behind him and kicked him as hard as I could in the Nuts. Just like punting a football 70 yards. He jumped down and chased me back to his pen. I had to jump out. I then went to my truck and got the Ruger SuperBlackhawk .44 mag and shot his ass.

:LOL: We've all been there

[rico]

Ugh.

1) What is the most unwanted sexual act someone tried to, or did perform, on you?

I had this girl (pretty hot) who was persistent when it came to shoving her tongue in my ear during sex. One night, she went overboard with this and my ear started hurting and making popping sounds. I was like, "oww, sweetheart seriously....what are you doing???" She responded, "I have a thing about ear wax, I want to lick the ear-wax out of your ear." And I said, "well babe, I clean my ears with a Q-tip every day...I doubt you'll be able to get much ear wax out of my ears." And she straight up rolled her eyes and said, "yeah, I was starting to notice that. That's not fun." I just kind of looked at her confused and was like, "ok, so no more putting your tongue in my ear....no ear wax, k?" She responded, "ok, I guess. But do you think you can get an ice cube and toss my salad with it?" And I replied, "that I can do."



2) What is the most disgusting thing that has happened to you whilst performing or receiving a sex act?

So I dated this girl for a long time and prior to us dating, she had ongoing sinus troubles for a long time. Roughly 5 years to be exact. Various troubles with her sinuses aching, throbbing, being congested, etc. Doctors could never give her an answer as to what the hell was wrong with her. Anyways, one day she was giving me a blow job and in the middle of the act, she abruptly stopped and started hacking as if she were a cat hacking a hair ball. I just sat there, boner-abandoned, wondering what the hell was going on. She ended up hacking up something that resembled a half-piece of greyish-yellow chalk. We both looked at it in amazement with expressions on our faces like, "wtf is that?!?!" She said something along the lines of, "omg, I wonder if this is what has been giving me the sinus troubles over the years?!"She then proceeded to start fiddling around with this gross looking wad of shit and it straight up broke in half and the interior was all dry and grainy. It's texture reminded me of one of those dark tan erasers when you break them in half. What made things unbearable about this situation is that when she broke this thing open, the odor of it literally smelled up the entire room. And the smell was AWFUL. I can't even compare it to anything. It didn't smell like poop. Didn't smell like something that was dead and decomposing. It was worse. Much worse. A groin that has been unwashed for 5 days, multiplied by 1000 may be the best comparison I can come up with. Imagine a girl shitting on your bed and you placing your nose a inch or so away from it. Multiply the foulness of that smell by 20 and you still haven't matched what this thing smelled like. It was disgusting.....and I could smell it even when I left her room. Whatever the hell that buildup actually was, it had been hanging out and rotting in her sinuses for YEARS.

When her and I broke up, I was all heart-broken and torn up about it. However, as a tactic of getting over her, every time I started missing her, I thought of that glob of shit from her sinuses...and I became repulsed. It made it easier to get over her.

[rico]

Random weird sex story: I once had a girl grab a syringe and give herself a shot while she was riding me in the middle of the act of having sex. I was all wigged out for a few seconds, thinking that she was some junkie, which would have surprised me, for I thought I knew her pretty well by that point. Turned out, she was diabetic (which I didn't know) and she popped herself full of insulin in the middle of riding my penis. I thought it was weird. I mean, I thought she could have chosen better timing to do something like that. I don't know if popping insulin is a "when you gotta go, you gotta go" type of thing to diabetics, but I didn't like it. It was kind of a boner killer.

[rico]

Another random, funny sex story: When I was 20 years old, I threw a party for my younger brother's graduation party. I invited some chick to our place that was supposed to be my "date" for the night...the one who I was presumably going to be humping later on. I was working my swerve quite well with this chick all night by a campfire located 30 yards or so away from my parents house. There were about 75 people there, split evenly between boys and girls. I had been eating pulled pork sandwiches all day and told the girl I was initially with that I was going to eat another sandwich (which was literally probably my 15th sandwich of the day). I told her I was going into the house to grab one and would be right back.

When I went in the house to grab another sandwich, this other girl who was there, who I hadn't ever done anything sexually with or ever even really flirted with in our numerous conversations on MSN Messenger was like, "hey, can I bring you into this room and talk to you about something?" I replied, "umm, sure." We walked into the other room and she began making out with me. We made out for like 2 seconds and I was like, "my room is occupied right now, I think, but my dad has a Suburban in the garage. Lot's of space and everything. How bout we go in there and have sex?" She apathetically shrugged her shoulders and replied, "ok." Didn't see this coming at all.

So I led her to the Suburban and we began having sex in the back two seats...I had folded the middle seats over the back ones. I had a couple of jimmy-straps in my wallet, so my love was gloved and I was safe. We could still hear everyone outside and I began hearing people asking, "where's Rico? We need Rico to help us with this!!! Someone look for Rico!!!" I remember thinking, "God dammit, that's just my luck. I can't leave these douche bags by a campfire for 5 minutes without them needing me to do something for them! Sonofabitch!!!"

I continued to thrust, but I could hear people searching for me outside, which was distracting. Suddenly the door opened, and it was none other than my drunk ass dad who was among the 10 or so people who were looking for me. He opened the door and asked, "Rico?" And I angrily replied, "what the **** do you want, Dad?!" He saw what was going on and was like, "oh shit, I thought you were with the other girl tonight. It's ok! I won't tell anyone or her!!!" Then he closed the door.

I looked at the chick I was bangin. We were laying there motionless with my penis still inside her and she looked at me and inquired, "what other girl? Was that girl that you were sitting next to by the bonfire, your girlfriend?" I replied, "no, that's just some girl I met. A friend of mine. I barely remember her name." (Which was true). This girl said, "yeah right, your full of shit." Then she yanked her vagina off my condom-covered penis and abruptly left the Suburban. I quickly pulled my shorts up, forgetting to take the condom off and followed her, whispering some desperation stuff to her like, "wait baby, I didn't even know you were into me until a few minutes ago. Come on, let's finish things!" It was a lost cause.

So I went back outside and sat next to the girl who I had invited and originally intended on banging. When I got there, she was like, "where the hell have you been?!!? I just got burned by a marshmallow because some dude accidentally flung one at me and I think I may have burned my leg! We were looking all over for you to help me!!!"

So THAT'S why everyone was looking for me. Ugh.

I asked her, "so what do you want me to do about it? Kiss it?" She said, "yeah, but I want you to give me a ride home first and maybe you can do that on the gravel road on the way there."

ZING.

I was like, "sure, we'll take my dad's Suburban."

I grew up in the country and so did she. I could get to her place by using obscure back roads. I drove for about 5 minutes and she offered to give me road-head. I was ecstatic. I thought this chick was hot as hell...hotter the one I had just been pounding 10 minutes earlier. She unzipped my pants while I was driving and suddenly (and very unfortunately, dammit), the mood changed. She angrily asked, "what the **** is THAT?!" She was pointing at my penis. I looked at my penile area and realized that when the girl I had sex with minutes before had quit having sex with me, that I had totally forgotten to take the condom off and ultimately, forgot that I still had it on.

"There's got to be a way out of this," I thought. I quickly dug into my bag full of excuses and came up with, "well, that's just one of my quirks...if I get the feeling that I'm going to have sex with someone, I MAKE SURE I am prepared in advance so I know for a fact that I won't forget to be protected. I just want us to be protected, baby." She looked at me skeptically and asked, "oh really?" And I said, "yes." She then put her nose to my condom-covered penis and sniffed and yelled, "YOUR FULL OF SHIT! THAT CONDOM SMELLS LIKE VAGINA!!!" I tried coming back with one more slimy trick by saying, "oh come on, everyone knows that condoms have a vagina-like smell to them." And she said, "YEAH, when they've been in contact with a vagina! Take me home, NOW!" I agreed. I totally screwed that up, but on the bright side...a pretty funny story resulted.

I had two chicks, reeled in that night and still ended the night with a bad case of blue balls. 2 chicks...in the bag...and STILL had to rub one off. Pathetic.

[AussieChiefsFan]

So I dated this girl for a long time and prior to us dating, she had ongoing sinus troubles for a long time. Roughly 5 years to be exact. Various troubles with her sinuses aching, throbbing, being congested, etc. Doctors could never give her an answer as to what the hell was wrong with her. Anyways, one day she was giving me a blow job and in the middle of the act, she abruptly stopped and started hacking as if she were a cat hacking a hair ball. I just sat there, boner-abandoned, wondering what the hell was going on. She ended up hacking up something that resembled a half-piece of greyish-yellow chalk. We both looked at it in amazement with expressions on our faces like, "wtf is that?!?!" She said something along the lines of, "omg, I wonder if this is what has been giving me the sinus troubles over the years?!"She then proceeded to start fiddling around with this gross looking wad of shit and it straight up broke in half and the interior was all dry and grainy. It's texture reminded me of one of those dark tan erasers when you break them in half. What made things unbearable about this situation is that when she broke this thing open, the odor of it literally smelled up the entire room. And the smell was AWFUL. I can't even compare it to anything. It didn't smell like poop. Didn't smell like something that was dead and decomposing. It was worse. Much worse. A groin that has been unwashed for 5 days, multiplied by 1000 may be the best comparison I can come up with. Imagine a girl shitting on your bed and you placing your nose a inch or so away from it. Multiply the foulness of that smell by 20 and you still haven't matched what this thing smelled like. It was disgusting.....and I could smell it even when I left her room. Whatever the hell that buildup actually was, it had been hanging out and rotting in her sinuses for YEARS.

When her and I broke up, I was all heart-broken and torn up about it. However, as a tactic of getting over her, every time I started missing her, I thought of that glob of shit from her sinuses...and I became repulsed. It made it easier to get over her. And I was with her for a long time.:Lin:

[rico]

:Lin:

No doubt. It was awful. To this day, I'm curious to know what the hell that thing was...but sure as shit don't ever want to smell it again.

[AussieChiefsFan]

Another random, funny sex story: When I was 20 years old, I threw a party for my younger brother's graduation party. I invited some chick to our place that was supposed to be my "date" for the night...the one who I was presumably going to be humping later on. I was working my swerve quite well with this chick all night by a campfire located 30 yards or so away from my parents house. There were about 75 people there, split evenly between boys and girls. I had been eating pulled pork sandwiches all day and told the girl I was initially with that I was going to eat another sandwich (which was literally probably my 15th sandwich of the day). I told her I was going into the house to grab one and would be right back.

When I went in the house to grab another sandwich, this other girl who was there, who I hadn't ever done anything sexually with or ever even really flirted with in our numerous conversations on MSN Messenger was like, "hey, can I bring you into this room and talk to you about something?" I replied, "umm, sure." We walked into the other room and she began making out with me. We made out for like 2 seconds and I was like, "my room is occupied right now, I think, but my dad has a Suburban in the garage. Lot's of space and everything. How bout we go in there and have sex?" She apathetically shrugged her shoulders and replied, "ok." Didn't see this coming at all.

So I led her to the Suburban and we began having sex in the back two seats...I had folded the middle seats over the back ones. I had a couple of jimmy-straps in my wallet, so my love was gloved and I was safe. We could still hear everyone outside and I began hearing people asking, "where's Rico? We need Rico to help us with this!!! Someone look for Rico!!!" I remember thinking, "God dammit, that's just my luck. I can't leave these douche bags by a campfire for 5 minutes without them needing me to do something for them! Sonofabitch!!!"

I continued to thrust, but I could hear people searching for me outside, which was distracting. Suddenly the door opened, and it was none other than my drunk ass dad who was among the 10 or so people who were looking for me. He opened the door and asked, "Rico?" And I angrily replied, "what the **** do you want, Dad?!" He saw what was going on and was like, "oh shit, I thought you were with the other girl tonight. It's ok! I won't tell anyone or her!!!" Then he closed the door.

I looked at the chick I was bangin. We were laying there motionless with my penis still inside her and she looked at me and inquired, "what other girl? Was that girl that you were sitting next to by the bonfire, your girlfriend?" I replied, "no, that's just some girl I met. A friend of mine. I barely remember her name." (Which was true). This girl said, "yeah right, your full of shit." Then she yanked her vagina off my condom-covered penis and abruptly left the Suburban. I quickly pulled my shorts up, forgetting to take the condom off and followed her, whispering some desperation stuff to her like, "wait baby, I didn't even know you were into me until a few minutes ago. Come on, let's finish things!" It was a lost cause.

So I went back outside and sat next to the girl who I had invited and originally intended on banging. When I got there, she was like, "where the hell have you been?!!? I just got burned by a marshmallow because some dude accidentally flung one at me and I think I may have burned my leg! We were looking all over for you to help me!!!"

So THAT'S why everyone was looking for me. Ugh.

I asked her, "so what do you want me to do about it? Kiss it?" She said, "yeah, but I want you to give me a ride home first and maybe you can do that on the gravel road on the way there."

ZING.

I was like, "sure, we'll take my dad's Suburban."

I grew up in the country and so did she. I could get to her place by using obscure back roads. I drove for about 5 minutes and she offered to give me road-head. I was ecstatic. I thought this chick was hot as hell...hotter the one I had just been pounding 10 minutes earlier. She unzipped my pants while I was driving and suddenly (and very unfortunately, dammit), the mood changed. She angrily asked, "what the **** is THAT?!" She was pointing at my penis. I looked at my penile area and realized that when the girl I had sex with minutes before had quit having sex with me, that I had totally forgotten to take the condom off and ultimately, forgot that I still had it on.

"There's got to be a way out of this," I thought. I quickly dug into my bag full of excuses and came up with, "well, that's just one of my quirks...if I get the feeling that I'm going to have sex with someone, I MAKE SURE I am prepared in advance so I know for a fact that I won't forget to be protected. I just want us to be protected, baby." She looked at me skeptically and asked, "oh really?" And I said, "yes." She then put her nose to my condom-covered penis and sniffed and yelled, "YOUR FULL OF SHIT! THAT CONDOM SMELLS LIKE VAGINA!!!" I tried coming back with one more slimy trick by saying, "oh come on, everyone knows that condoms have a vagina-like smell to them." And she said, "YEAH, when they've been in contact with a vagina! Take me home, NOW!" I agreed. I totally screwed that up, but on the bright side...a pretty funny story resulted.

I had two chicks, reeled in that night and still ended the night with a bad case of blue balls. 2 chicks...in the bag...and STILL had to rub one off. Pathetic.Wow, that's some story there.

[rico]

Wow, that's some story there.

I've never been able to post any of those stories before. Would have on the ol' humor blog, but in the past 13 years (since I was 17), I have been in long-term relationships for 10.5 of those years (3 girlfriends; 1 for a year and a half, one for 4.5 years and just got married two weeks ago...we've been together 4.5 years). They all keep moderate tabs on my site. And I am a faithful dude. I can maintain a relationship for I feel infidelity when you have made a commitment is a sign of mental weakness. My single days (what little I had of them) were freaking crazy though...no joke. And I've always wanted to write about some of my single-days escapades.......might as well post them here, where I am kind of anonymous, not to mention, my wife is a Steelers fan, so she doesn't venture here.

If she read this shit, she'd be pissed. She knows I was a jackass when I was single...but she doesn't want to read about the nitty gritty details. But shit, I've got sex stories that I've had to keep to myself for years...and I hate that shit. If there's something strange that happens to me, I dunno....I like to get it off my chest somehow.

[Gravedigger]

Anal. You think that she'll loosen up, or you'll be able to go at any kind of a decent pace but no, not even close. My dick was red and sore and she was hurting for a week. I don't like to cause pain in the bedroom, especially to someone I care about, but for a first/and only try thus far in my life, it was overrated.

[rico]

Ok, I just read this entire thread.

Funny stuff.

But you guys who are making a big deal of period sex?! Seriously?! Period sex isn't shit.

I bang my wife when she's on her period pretty much every day she's on it. I surely wouldn't eat her out or anything when she's on her period, but I'll have sex with her for sure. I dunno...maybe she has light periods? The blood doesn't seem to be THAT big of a problem.

You know what? I'll go as far as saying that period sex is pretty freaking cool for me because my wife hates being on the pill because she's afraid it will make her gain weight, so she doesn't take it....therefore period sex is the only opportunity I have to have sex with her without a condom and splooge inside her with complete confidence that I won't impregnate her. I have sex with her without a condom all the time when she's not on her rag....which will probably result in us having 10 more children before it's all said and done (oh well, whatever)....but at least when she's on her period, I don't feel like I have to worry about her being knocked up.

Since you guys are acting like such "Nancy-pants" when it comes to period sex, I'm just going to assume that your wives/past-lovers have quite bit of blood flow down there....because with my wife, it's seriously not THAT bad.... I mean, it goes like this: she puts a towel under her butt, I'm on top, bang-bang-bang, ooo-ooo-ahh, splooge inside her, she gets up and grabs a warm, moist towel to wipe my penis off with even though the blood accumulation is minimal to moderate...and I feel pampered in the process. Period sex has some upside if your not a wussy about it.

Not to mention, chicks (the ones I know well) are freaking horny when they are on their periods. If a guy is willing to have sex with a girl on their period and not be a Nancy about it, they'll appreciate it. With that said, if you are not willing to; a.) eat your girl out or b.) have sex with her when she's on her period (if she wants it) then don't ever complain about not getting any from your significant other. The more sexual dedication you show to her, whether how repulsive or inconvenient you may consider it to be, the more she'll appreciate you and be turned on by you.

On a sidenote: I've just recently found out how effective ice cubes can be when you give oral sex to your wife/gf. I've been getting a lot of action lately because of using those for foreplay.

[Molitoth]

First and only time I tried anal on this chick and I pulled out with the stinkiest poop dick ever. Then she sucked me off.

It grossed me out.

I suppose I was spoiled watching anal done in pornos.... where they douche, and the ATM is clean.

[rico]

First and only time I tried anal on this chick and I pulled out with the stinkiest poop dick ever. Then she sucked me off.

It grossed me out.

I suppose I was spoiled watching anal done in pornos.... where they douche, and the ATM is clean.

Lol, shit like that cracks me up. People always generalize women as being proper, feminine, clean, etc.....but so many of them are willing to do things such as sucking penis after it had just been in her ass. I think most women are so much nastier/freakier than their reputations.

[rico]

The "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" author owns the thread topic.

Tucker Mackth I mean Tucker Max is a dorky ass, dip-shit, freaking liar.

And his stories are exaggerated, fabricated, redundant and interchangeable.

And their not even that well-written... And that Bunny chick edited his shit...lord only knows what the original stories looked like prior to her editing.

I hate that guy. He is such a fraudulent prag. A total dork-douche. I hate the fact that I own "I Hope they Serve Beer in Hell" and "Assholes Finish First."

[lawrenceRaider]

Anal. You think that she'll loosen up, or you'll be able to go at any kind of a decent pace but no, not even close. My dick was red and sore and she was hurting for a week. I don't like to cause pain in the bedroom, especially to someone I care about, but for a first/and only try thus far in my life, it was overrated.

That's why you are supposed to use lube.

[58-4ever]

I was 19 and encountered a squirter ..well a shooter. I was down there doing my thing when I raised up, and the first shot hit me in the chest. I froze. It just kept gushing. She said "I haven't done that in years". I immediately shed the sheets and pointed all the fans towards the mattress. In retrospect, I probably overreacted, as it really wasn't THAT gross. But it scarred me at the time.

[HoneyBadger]

Banging a girl. She must have forgot to wipe her ass after she shit.

When the deed was done, there was a giant skid mark on my bed from where her ass had been. We both looked at it and she just walked away without a word.

[J Diddy]

Banging a girl. She must have forgot to wipe her ass after she shit.

When the deed was done, there was a giant skid mark on my bed from where her ass had been. We both looked at it and she just walked away without a word.

:Lin:

[Chief Roundup]

Banging a girl. She must have forgot to wipe her ass after she shit.

When the deed was done, there was a giant skid mark on my bed from where her ass had been. We both looked at it and she just walked away without a word.

Makes you wonder how clean the rest of her was.

[Al Bundy]

Ok, I just read this entire thread.

Funny stuff.

But you guys who are making a big deal of period sex?! Seriously?! Period sex isn't shit.

I bang my wife when she's on her period pretty much every day she's on it. I surely wouldn't eat her out or anything when she's on her period, but I'll have sex with her for sure. I dunno...maybe she has light periods? The blood doesn't seem to be THAT big of a problem.

You know what? I'll go as far as saying that period sex is pretty freaking cool for me because my wife hates being on the pill because she's afraid it will make her gain weight, so she doesn't take it....therefore period sex is the only opportunity I have to have sex with her without a condom and splooge inside her with complete confidence that I won't impregnate her. I have sex with her without a condom all the time when she's not on her rag....which will probably result in us having 10 more children before it's all said and done (oh well, whatever)....but at least when she's on her period, I don't feel like I have to worry about her being knocked up.

Since you guys are acting like such "Nancy-pants" when it comes to period sex, I'm just going to assume that your wives/past-lovers have quite bit of blood flow down there....because with my wife, it's seriously not THAT bad.... I mean, it goes like this: she puts a towel under her butt, I'm on top, bang-bang-bang, ooo-ooo-ahh, splooge inside her, she gets up and grabs a warm, moist towel to wipe my penis off with even though the blood accumulation is minimal to moderate...and I feel pampered in the process. Period sex has some upside if your not a wussy about it.

Not to mention, chicks (the ones I know well) are freaking horny when they are on their periods. If a guy is willing to have sex with a girl on their period and not be a Nancy about it, they'll appreciate it. With that said, if you are not willing to; a.) eat your girl out or b.) have sex with her when she's on her period (if she wants it) then don't ever complain about not getting any from your significant other. The more sexual dedication you show to her, whether how repulsive or inconvenient you may consider it to be, the more she'll appreciate you and be turned on by you.

On a sidenote: I've just recently found out how effective ice cubes can be when you give oral sex to your wife/gf. I've been getting a lot of action lately because of using those for foreplay.

Be a man son, get your Red Wings.

[Gary]

One time as this chic was riding me I felt a huge gush of fluid as she came. She literally lost all control and pissed all over my midsection. I had to take all the sheets off and use towels to soak up the rest from my mattress.

[J Diddy]

One time as this chic was riding me I felt a huge gush of fluid as she came. She literally lost all control and pissed all over my midsection. I had to take all the sheets off and use towels to soak up the rest from my mattress.

A lot of times you have to pay extra for this, however, if that wasn't your desired action then rest assured I got a woman back for you.

[LoneWolf]

Hootie I mean Unneccessary Drama is a dorky ass, dip-shit, freaking liar.

And his stories are exaggerated, fabricated, redundant and interchangeable.

And their not even that well-written... And that Bunny chick edited his shit...lord only knows what the original stories looked like prior to her editing.

I hate that guy. He is such a fraudulent prag. A total dork-douche. I hate the fact that I own "I Hope they Serve Beer in Hell" and "Assholes Finish First."

FYP

[TLO]

Amazingly I don't have any weird or gross stories but one of my ex's used to get drunk wtih me and pass out and piss on me like 5 times a week. I can't tell you how many times we flipped the mattress but it got to the point where I'm not sure it was helping.

Dude WTF. That's ****ing gross.

[Marcellus]

I would guess the sexual act that led to the conception of Sweet Dick Willy would have to be on the nastiest act ever committed in a bedroom list.

[The Bad Guy]

Worse sexual experience of my life was my soph. year of college.

(Ironically it was the night before I flew out to KC to watch my first game at Arrowhead in 1999)

We were fooling around. She starts giving me a humjob and uses her hand at the same time. The girl had the rhythm of Steve Martin's character in The Jerk. Before I could finish, I had to ask her stop because she was literally removing pieces of skin from my dick. She had sandpaper hands too.

I had 4 pretty substantial scabs on my dick the next morning. The flight was pure hell because whenever I shifted, my boxers opening would catch one of the scabs.

Never talked to that girl again.

[The Bad Guy]

Banging a girl. She must have forgot to wipe her ass after she shit.

When the deed was done, there was a giant skid mark on my bed from where her ass had been. We both looked at it and she just walked away without a word.

You win.

[Mr. Laz]

oral sex + yeast infection = blech

[Rain Man]

Why would I want to read this thread? Sex is a beautiful, erotic act between two women. Why would I want to ruin that image?

[Al Bundy]

Banging a girl. She must have forgot to wipe her ass after she shit.

When the deed was done, there was a giant skid mark on my bed from where her ass had been. We both looked at it and she just walked away without a word.

It's over.. winner by first round knock out.

[Cmd'r&Chief]

On period sex:
You guys are a bunch of pussies. It's just a little blood. Lay down a towel, Fuck that pussy raw, then hop in the shower. It's blood. Not explosive diarrhea.

[Al Bundy]

On period sex:
You guys are a bunch of pussies. It's just a little blood. Lay down a towel, **** that pussy raw, then hop in the shower. It's blood. Not explosive diarrhea.

You bury your face in that cherry pie?

[siberian khatru]

Another random, funny sex story: When I was 20 years old, I threw a party for my younger brother's graduation party. I invited some chick to our place that was supposed to be my "date" for the night...the one who I was presumably going to be humping later on. I was working my swerve quite well with this chick all night by a campfire located 30 yards or so away from my parents house. There were about 75 people there, split evenly between boys and girls. I had been eating pulled pork sandwiches all day and told the girl I was initially with that I was going to eat another sandwich (which was literally probably my 15th sandwich of the day). I told her I was going into the house to grab one and would be right back.

When I went in the house to grab another sandwich, this other girl who was there, who I hadn't ever done anything sexually with or ever even really flirted with in our numerous conversations on MSN Messenger was like, "hey, can I bring you into this room and talk to you about something?" I replied, "umm, sure." We walked into the other room and she began making out with me. We made out for like 2 seconds and I was like, "my room is occupied right now, I think, but my dad has a Suburban in the garage. Lot's of space and everything. How bout we go in there and have sex?" She apathetically shrugged her shoulders and replied, "ok." Didn't see this coming at all.

So I led her to the Suburban and we began having sex in the back two seats...I had folded the middle seats over the back ones. I had a couple of jimmy-straps in my wallet, so my love was gloved and I was safe. We could still hear everyone outside and I began hearing people asking, "where's Rico? We need Rico to help us with this!!! Someone look for Rico!!!" I remember thinking, "God dammit, that's just my luck. I can't leave these douche bags by a campfire for 5 minutes without them needing me to do something for them! Sonofabitch!!!"

I continued to thrust, but I could hear people searching for me outside, which was distracting. Suddenly the door opened, and it was none other than my drunk ass dad who was among the 10 or so people who were looking for me. He opened the door and asked, "Rico?" And I angrily replied, "what the **** do you want, Dad?!" He saw what was going on and was like, "oh shit, I thought you were with the other girl tonight. It's ok! I won't tell anyone or her!!!" Then he closed the door.

I looked at the chick I was bangin. We were laying there motionless with my penis still inside her and she looked at me and inquired, "what other girl? Was that girl that you were sitting next to by the bonfire, your girlfriend?" I replied, "no, that's just some girl I met. A friend of mine. I barely remember her name." (Which was true). This girl said, "yeah right, your full of shit." Then she yanked her vagina off my condom-covered penis and abruptly left the Suburban. I quickly pulled my shorts up, forgetting to take the condom off and followed her, whispering some desperation stuff to her like, "wait baby, I didn't even know you were into me until a few minutes ago. Come on, let's finish things!" It was a lost cause.

So I went back outside and sat next to the girl who I had invited and originally intended on banging. When I got there, she was like, "where the hell have you been?!!? I just got burned by a marshmallow because some dude accidentally flung one at me and I think I may have burned my leg! We were looking all over for you to help me!!!"

So THAT'S why everyone was looking for me. Ugh.

I asked her, "so what do you want me to do about it? Kiss it?" She said, "yeah, but I want you to give me a ride home first and maybe you can do that on the gravel road on the way there."

ZING.

I was like, "sure, we'll take my dad's Suburban."

I grew up in the country and so did she. I could get to her place by using obscure back roads. I drove for about 5 minutes and she offered to give me road-head. I was ecstatic. I thought this chick was hot as hell...hotter the one I had just been pounding 10 minutes earlier. She unzipped my pants while I was driving and suddenly (and very unfortunately, dammit), the mood changed. She angrily asked, "what the **** is THAT?!" She was pointing at my penis. I looked at my penile area and realized that when the girl I had sex with minutes before had quit having sex with me, that I had totally forgotten to take the condom off and ultimately, forgot that I still had it on.

"There's got to be a way out of this," I thought. I quickly dug into my bag full of excuses and came up with, "well, that's just one of my quirks...if I get the feeling that I'm going to have sex with someone, I MAKE SURE I am prepared in advance so I know for a fact that I won't forget to be protected. I just want us to be protected, baby." She looked at me skeptically and asked, "oh really?" And I said, "yes." She then put her nose to my condom-covered penis and sniffed and yelled, "YOUR FULL OF SHIT! THAT CONDOM SMELLS LIKE VAGINA!!!" I tried coming back with one more slimy trick by saying, "oh come on, everyone knows that condoms have a vagina-like smell to them." And she said, "YEAH, when they've been in contact with a vagina! Take me home, NOW!" I agreed. I totally screwed that up, but on the bright side...a pretty funny story resulted.

I had two chicks, reeled in that night and still ended the night with a bad case of blue balls. 2 chicks...in the bag...and STILL had to rub one off. Pathetic.


MS Paint-worthy story.

[gblowfish]

Go Chiefs had this girl back to his room. When she saw him naked, she was disgusted and said..."this will cost you double."

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Rico needs to make Hootie's top 100 based upon the awesomeness of his stories. Between that and his Tuco Salamanca-like friend the guy is a Norton Anthology of Holy Shit.

[Donger]

I can't really think of one, except for the girl who had a weird fetish for pushing her underwear into her vagina.

[HoneyBadger]

Makes you wonder how clean the rest of her was.

We all make young and dumb mistakes with girls we shouldn't.

[In58men]

True story.


Back in my bachelor days I was at a party, living the dream. There was a pregnant chick there hanging out and she was eyeing me the whole night. I had to keep drinking and drinking for this one. Well come to find out she wanted to give me noggin'. I was all for it at this point. Nothing wrong with a little noggin amirite?

Well we went to my buddies bedroom and it was on. She turned into this cock hungry slob. I was in heaven. She was going to town. After a few minutes I was like okay I'm about to go and I did. She swallowed my stuff and the she said the most disturbing thing.


She burped and said "you just fed my baby cum". I was disturbed, very disturbed. Quickly after that I left the room grabbed a beer and went on home. Ill never forget this disturbing time in my life.

[Dayze]

Lol

[Fire Me Boy!]

True story.


Back in my bachelor days I was a party, living the dream. There was a pregnant chick there hanging out and she was eyeing me the whole night. I had to keep drinking and drinking for this one. Well come to find out she wanted to give me noggin'. I was for it at this point. Nothing wrong with a little noggin amirite?

Well we went to my buddies bedroom and it was on. She turned into this cock hungry slob. I was in heaven. She was going to town. After a few minutes I was like okay I'm about to go and I did. She swallowed my stuff and the she said the most disturbing thing.


She burped and said "you just fed my baby cum". I was disturbed, very disturbed. Quickly after that I left the room grabbed a beer and went on home. Ill never forget this disturbing time in my life.

:eek:

[HoneyBadger]

True story.


Back in my bachelor days I was a party, living the dream. There was a pregnant chick there hanging out and she was eyeing me the whole night. I had to keep drinking and drinking for this one. Well come to find out she wanted to give me noggin'. I was for it at this point. Nothing wrong with a little noggin amirite?

Well we went to my buddies bedroom and it was on. She turned into this cock hungry slob. I was in heaven. She was going to town. After a few minutes I was like okay I'm about to go and I did. She swallowed my stuff and the she said the most disturbing thing.


She burped and said "you just fed my baby cum". I was disturbed, very disturbed. Quickly after that I left the room grabbed a beer and went on home. Ill never forget this disturbing time in my life.

I'm laughing, yet speechless.

[Al Bundy]

True story.


Back in my bachelor days I was a party, living the dream. There was a pregnant chick there hanging out and she was eyeing me the whole night. I had to keep drinking and drinking for this one. Well come to find out she wanted to give me noggin'. I was for it at this point. Nothing wrong with a little noggin amirite?

Well we went to my buddies bedroom and it was on. She turned into this cock hungry slob. I was in heaven. She was going to town. After a few minutes I was like okay I'm about to go and I did. She swallowed my stuff and the she said the most disturbing thing.




She burped and said "you just fed my baby cum". I was disturbed, very disturbed. Quickly after that I left the room grabbed a beer and went on home. Ill never forget this disturbing time in my life.

http://media.tumblr.com/f9b64e7703d0fd6d8724e1429ede4991/tumblr_inline_ml6jlrgtGn1qd835r.gif

[Prison Bitch]

Not very interesting but a friend had sex with a girl and he kept bumping into something down there. She said "don't worry it's my diaphragm". When he finished he pulled out and his wee was all bloody and a squished tampon fell out. He didn't even know she was on the rag. I think he went to the bathroom to wtetch

[BigRedChief]

I was traveling around the country and the world from 1978 - 1986. The worst thing that could happen to you was have to go to the Dr. and get some penicillin. I engaged in many acts of debauchery from orgies on a greek beach to multiple pardners on the same night to pregnant women.

[Prison Bitch]

I was traveling around the country and the world from 1978 - 1986. The worst thing that could happen to you was have to go to the Dr. and get some penicillin. I engaged in many acts of debauchery from orgies on a greek beach to multiple pardners on the same night to pregnant women.

Wait a second - wasn't that approximately when KCNative was born?

[J Diddy]

Go Chiefs had this girl back to his room. When she saw him naked, she was disgusted and said..."this will cost you double."

Stopped reading right there. No fucking way that happened.

[EagleRob]

No doubt. It was awful. To this day, I'm curious to know what the hell that thing was...but sure as shit don't ever want to smell it again.

RHINOLITH!!
http://www.google.com/search?q=large%20hard%20discharge%20from%20sinuses&hl=en&gl=us#hl=en&gs_rn=15&gs_ri=psy-ab&gs_mss=large%20hard%20disc&suggest=p&pq=large%20hard%20discharge%20from%20sinuses&cp=7&gs_id=3l&xhr=t&q=Rhinolith&es_nrs=true&pf=p&gl=us&sclient=psy-ab&oq=Rhinoli&gs_l=&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&bvm=bv.47244034,d.cGE&fp=95b3ef6a6b6ff0df&biw=1024&bih=600

[EagleRob]

Anybody ever bang a squirter? Never have but imagine it must be like a water park.

[Al Bundy]

Another random, funny sex story: When I was 20 years old, I threw a party for my younger brother's graduation party. I invited some chick to our place that was supposed to be my "date" for the night...the one who I was presumably going to be humping later on. I was working my swerve quite well with this chick all night by a campfire located 30 yards or so away from my parents house. There were about 75 people there, split evenly between boys and girls. I had been eating pulled pork sandwiches all day and told the girl I was initially with that I was going to eat another sandwich (which was literally probably my 15th sandwich of the day). I told her I was going into the house to grab one and would be right back.

When I went in the house to grab another sandwich, this other girl who was there, who I hadn't ever done anything sexually with or ever even really flirted with in our numerous conversations on MSN Messenger was like, "hey, can I bring you into this room and talk to you about something?" I replied, "umm, sure." We walked into the other room and she began making out with me. We made out for like 2 seconds and I was like, "my room is occupied right now, I think, but my dad has a Suburban in the garage. Lot's of space and everything. How bout we go in there and have sex?" She apathetically shrugged her shoulders and replied, "ok." Didn't see this coming at all.

So I led her to the Suburban and we began having sex in the back two seats...I had folded the middle seats over the back ones. I had a couple of jimmy-straps in my wallet, so my love was gloved and I was safe. We could still hear everyone outside and I began hearing people asking, "where's Rico? We need Rico to help us with this!!! Someone look for Rico!!!" I remember thinking, "God dammit, that's just my luck. I can't leave these douche bags by a campfire for 5 minutes without them needing me to do something for them! Sonofabitch!!!"

I continued to thrust, but I could hear people searching for me outside, which was distracting. Suddenly the door opened, and it was none other than my drunk ass dad who was among the 10 or so people who were looking for me. He opened the door and asked, "Rico?" And I angrily replied, "what the **** do you want, Dad?!" He saw what was going on and was like, "oh shit, I thought you were with the other girl tonight. It's ok! I won't tell anyone or her!!!" Then he closed the door.

I looked at the chick I was bangin. We were laying there motionless with my penis still inside her and she looked at me and inquired, "what other girl? Was that girl that you were sitting next to by the bonfire, your girlfriend?" I replied, "no, that's just some girl I met. A friend of mine. I barely remember her name." (Which was true). This girl said, "yeah right, your full of shit." Then she yanked her vagina off my condom-covered penis and abruptly left the Suburban. I quickly pulled my shorts up, forgetting to take the condom off and followed her, whispering some desperation stuff to her like, "wait baby, I didn't even know you were into me until a few minutes ago. Come on, let's finish things!" It was a lost cause.

So I went back outside and sat next to the girl who I had invited and originally intended on banging. When I got there, she was like, "where the hell have you been?!!? I just got burned by a marshmallow because some dude accidentally flung one at me and I think I may have burned my leg! We were looking all over for you to help me!!!"

So THAT'S why everyone was looking for me. Ugh.

I asked her, "so what do you want me to do about it? Kiss it?" She said, "yeah, but I want you to give me a ride home first and maybe you can do that on the gravel road on the way there."

ZING.

I was like, "sure, we'll take my dad's Suburban."

I grew up in the country and so did she. I could get to her place by using obscure back roads. I drove for about 5 minutes and she offered to give me road-head. I was ecstatic. I thought this chick was hot as hell...hotter the one I had just been pounding 10 minutes earlier. She unzipped my pants while I was driving and suddenly (and very unfortunately, dammit), the mood changed. She angrily asked, "what the **** is THAT?!" She was pointing at my penis. I looked at my penile area and realized that when the girl I had sex with minutes before had quit having sex with me, that I had totally forgotten to take the condom off and ultimately, forgot that I still had it on.

"There's got to be a way out of this," I thought. I quickly dug into my bag full of excuses and came up with, "well, that's just one of my quirks...if I get the feeling that I'm going to have sex with someone, I MAKE SURE I am prepared in advance so I know for a fact that I won't forget to be protected. I just want us to be protected, baby." She looked at me skeptically and asked, "oh really?" And I said, "yes." She then put her nose to my condom-covered penis and sniffed and yelled, "YOUR FULL OF SHIT! THAT CONDOM SMELLS LIKE VAGINA!!!" I tried coming back with one more slimy trick by saying, "oh come on, everyone knows that condoms have a vagina-like smell to them." And she said, "YEAH, when they've been in contact with a vagina! Take me home, NOW!" I agreed. I totally screwed that up, but on the bright side...a pretty funny story resulted.

I had two chicks, reeled in that night and still ended the night with a bad case of blue balls. 2 chicks...in the bag...and STILL had to rub one off. Pathetic.

Dumbass LMAO

[Prison Bitch]

TLDR

[ArrowheadHawk]

Anybody ever bang a squirter? Never have but imagine it must be like a water park.

Yep at first it's warm. Then it gets cold and nasty. Her nickname was Juicy.

[Just Passin' By]

Anybody ever bang a squirter? Never have but imagine it must be like a water park.

It's not really a big deal unless you weren't warned about it and you're doing tongue work when the geyser erupts.

[Mr. Laz]

Anybody ever bang a squirter? Never have but imagine it must be like a water park.
it's not that bad other than the entire bed was soaked

[bevischief]

Why would I want to read this thread? Sex is a beautiful, erotic act between two women. Why would I want to ruin that image?

I agree...ROFLROFL

[Titty Meat]

True story.


Back in my bachelor days I was at a party, living the dream. There was a pregnant chick there hanging out and she was eyeing me the whole night. I had to keep drinking and drinking for this one. Well come to find out she wanted to give me noggin'. I was all for it at this point. Nothing wrong with a little noggin amirite?

Well we went to my buddies bedroom and it was on. She turned into this cock hungry slob. I was in heaven. She was going to town. After a few minutes I was like okay I'm about to go and I did. She swallowed my stuff and the she said the most disturbing thing.


She burped and said "you just fed my baby cum". I was disturbed, very disturbed. Quickly after that I left the room grabbed a beer and went on home. Ill never forget this disturbing time in my life.


LMAO

[bevischief]

True story.


Back in my bachelor days I was at a party, living the dream. There was a pregnant chick there hanging out and she was eyeing me the whole night. I had to keep drinking and drinking for this one. Well come to find out she wanted to give me noggin'. I was all for it at this point. Nothing wrong with a little noggin amirite?

Well we went to my buddies bedroom and it was on. She turned into this cock hungry slob. I was in heaven. She was going to town. After a few minutes I was like okay I'm about to go and I did. She swallowed my stuff and the she said the most disturbing thing.


She burped and said "you just fed my baby cum". I was disturbed, very disturbed. Quickly after that I left the room grabbed a beer and went on home. Ill never forget this disturbing time in my life.

LMAO

[Titty Meat]

Any of u guys licked a gypsy women's anus?

[bevischief]

All I can say is :eek:ROFLROFL:Lin::bolt:

[BlackHelicopters]

Any of u guys licked a gypsy women's anus?

For luck?

[keg in kc]

Did I really just click on this thread? Why, me? Why?

[Just Passin' By]

Did I really just click on this thread? Why, me? Why?

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want to be on this thread, you need to be on this thread.

[NewChief]

I don't have any really disgusting stories. Probably the worst was in college when I had the serious hots for this freaky girl in the local scene. She had huge lips, large tits, aand there was just this palpable energy between us. We finally got together, and the anticipation of seeing her naked was absolutely driving me nuts. Got her back to my house (this was during the middle of the day, so it was light in my room) and got her into my bed.

I raise her shirt up to feast my eyes on her tits, and I notice there are visible veins on them. No biggie, I think... so I undo her bra, and her tits... I shit you not, flop to either side of her chest and down onto the bed like a couple of socks filled with sand. On top of that, she had hairy nipples and serious stretch marks and varicose veins. That was the worst pair of tits I've ever seen.

It was a freaking travesty.

[Sure-Oz]

Good lord this thread is full of LOL moments

[Frazod]

Not during, but after....

Had used a condom. I took it off, then I blew it up like a balloon, and popped it with a pin. Hilarity ensued!

At least I thought it was funny. Girlfriend was not amused. LMAO

['Hamas' Jenkins]

I was traveling around the country and the world from 1978 - 1986. The worst thing that could happen to you was have to go to the Dr. and get some penicillin. I engaged in many acts of debauchery from orgies on a greek beach to multiple pardners on the same night to pregnant women.

You might wanna re-check your timeline there. That was probably the worst time in the last century to be sexually active.

['Hamas' Jenkins]

True story.


Back in my bachelor days I was at a party, living the dream. There was a pregnant chick there hanging out and she was eyeing me the whole night. I had to keep drinking and drinking for this one. Well come to find out she wanted to give me noggin'. I was all for it at this point. Nothing wrong with a little noggin amirite?

Well we went to my buddies bedroom and it was on. She turned into this cock hungry slob. I was in heaven. She was going to town. After a few minutes I was like okay I'm about to go and I did. She swallowed my stuff and the she said the most disturbing thing.


She burped and said "you just fed my baby cum". I was disturbed, very disturbed. Quickly after that I left the room grabbed a beer and went on home. Ill never forget this disturbing time in my life.

http://play.esea.net/global/media_preview.php?url=http%3A%2F%2Fi142.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fr81%2Fturko_ediz%2Feddie_murphy_w tf_gif.gif

[lewdog]

I had two chicks, reeled in that night and still ended the night with a bad case of blue balls. 2 chicks...in the bag...and STILL had to rub one off. Pathetic.

ROFL

Killer story dude.

ROFL

[RaiderH8r]

We were drunk. I put it in her no no hole. She diarrheaed all over my cock, I puked on her back and her boyfriend's bed was a fucking disaster.

The end.

[J Diddy]

You might wanna re-check your timeline there. That was probably the worst time in the last century to be sexually active.

No shit, that's what I thought. AIDS can lay dormant for 7 years. That pretty much put him in the biggest risk.

[J Diddy]

Not during, but after....

Had used a condom. I took it off, then I blew it up like a balloon, and popped it with a pin. Hilarity ensued!

At least I thought it was funny. Girlfriend was not amused. LMAO

You blew up a used condom? You willingly put your mouth on a condom that you dropped a load into and used it to make party animals?


That's disturbing. It's kind of like Rico's story where the chick goes down to give him head and discovers vagina flavored condom, but in your case it is you and the condom is dick flavored.

[gblowfish]

We had a thread like this a few years ago. Some guy was telling a story about this chick jerking him and when he blew, she started screaming "RELEASE THE DEMONS!!!!"

Woah.....

Hey, gotta go. I'll call you....

[Frazod]

You blew up a used condom? You willingly put your mouth on a condom that you dropped a load into and used it to make party animals?


That's disturbing. It's kind of like Rico's story where the chick goes down to give him head and discovers vagina flavored condom, but in your case it is you and the condom is dick flavored.

Uh, I dropped the load into the far end of it......

There may have been some alcohol involved, too.

[J Diddy]

We had a thread like this a few years ago. Some guy was telling a story about this chick jerking him and when he blew, she started screaming "RELEASE THE DEMONS!!!!"

Woah.....

Hey, gotta go. I'll call you....

I'd take that over you fed my baby cum any day of the week. Hell I'd probably call her back.

[J Diddy]

Uh, I dropped the load into the far end of it......

There may have been some alcohol involved, too.

LMAO

Baby batter boom

[Frazod]

LMAO

Baby batter boom

The best part was I did in the kitchen.

[DaneMcCloud]

Oh...

I was banging this hot blonde about 15-20 years ago... and she was WAY wetter than usual... when we got done, it looked like OJ had been there and murdered us both. That blood soaked through her comforter, sheet, eggshell foam cushion and the mattress.

I never fucked her again after that. She was a 9, also... but I was repulsed. Oh man, sooo nasty.

Eh, it's just blood.

:shrug:

[DaneMcCloud]

Not having sex can be a disgusting act during sex?

LMAO

I guess my attempt at humor didn't work

:redface:

[DaneMcCloud]

I can't remember anything that was really "unwanted", although the first time a girl licked my taint and little brown ring, I was a little shocked.

But I guess the most shocking thing was picking up a chick in Westport one night, going back to her place to bang, only to see her whip out a huge glow in the dark vibrator, mid-bang, for me to use on her while she was on top.

[Backwards Masking]

I can't really think of one, except for the girl who had a weird fetish for pushing her underwear into her vagina.

This explains perfectly why you are the way you are; boring sexual history = boring human being.

Not an insult, I actually feel sorry for you. Not as sorry as CP for having to endure you, but I still empathize.

[Pepe Silvia]

There was this other time I had a one night stand with this beautiful brunette, she was one of those white girls that talked black. lol Anyway she sucked me off like a boss and I followed up by fucking her brains out, she wanted to suck me off a little more before I shot my load, I blasted a cum shot that would make peter north proud. I covered her face pretty good, in her hilarious black voice she said "You got it all ova my faaaaaace" i swear I busted out laughing and I will never for get that as long as i live.

[ThaVirus]

Excellent stories.

Tell more, Rico.

[Backwards Masking]

Not during, but after....

Had used a condom. I took it off, then I blew it up like a balloon, and popped it with a pin. Hilarity ensued!

At least I thought it was funny. Girlfriend was not amused. LMAO

Frazod's story > Hootie's story

never thought coming in you'd provide a grosser, funnier AND more embarrassing story than your nemesis, who IMO now has his work cut out for him

Rep

[Simply Red]

I bet that smelled horrific.

I'm also waiting for the guy who will admit to getting backfire while ass blasting someone.

http://i.imgur.com/9czvRQP.jpg

[Discuss Thrower]

We had a thread like this a few years ago. Some guy was telling a story about this chick jerking him and when he blew, she started screaming "RELEASE THE DEMONS!!!!"

Woah.....

Hey, gotta go. I'll call you....

It was Donger and the woman was Sarah Palin

EDIT: found the original post: http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost.php?p=5170836&postcount=92

[Valiant]

rico is one of my favorite posters now.

I do not have any good stories.. Well float trip is coming up, always find a different girl down there...

[DaneMcCloud]

rico is one of my favorite posters now.



Yeah, he's great!

With all the crazy (and I literally mean crazy) stories he's told, the mods should change his name to Uncle Rico because he's like the uncle that's lived and seen things that no one else in the family can claim.

[Nzoner]

Most unwanted was when I was a senior in high school.A good friend and I knew another guy who had a private entrance into his downstairs and knew that his parents never bothered "his space". Anyhow we told him we had a couple of girls who wanted to party and he agreed to let us come over as long as he could take part in the fun.
So we get girls a nice buzz going and proceed to play some strip poker which leads to some kissing and petting and finally one of the girls suggesting we turn out all the lights and have an orgy.Well long story short me and other guy end up with one of the girls in a sandwich and as I'm fingering girl I feel a hand begin to stroke my cock and suddenly realize it's no female hand and as I slap other guy's hand away I all but shout,"dude that's my dick" which leads to girls and my best friend laughing.
Thankfully there were no more instances like that and the night went great after that but to this day I still wonder if that dude isn't bi-sexual.

[teedubya]

I once ate out Catherine Zeta Jones.

[ChiTown]

Most unwanted was when I was a senior in high school.A good friend and I knew another guy who had a private entrance into his downstairs and knew that his parents never bothered "his space". Anyhow we told him we had a couple of girls who wanted to party and he agreed to let us come over as long as he could take part in the fun.
So we get girls a nice buzz going and proceed to play some strip poker which leads to some kissing and petting and finally one of the girls suggesting we turn out all the lights and have an orgy.Well long story short me and other guy end up with one of the girls in a sandwich and as I'm fingering girl I feel a hand begin to stroke my cock and suddenly realize it's no female hand and as I slap other guy's hand away I all but shout,"dude that's my dick" which leads to girls and my best friend laughing.
Thankfully there were no more instances like that and the night went great after that but to this day I still wonder if that dude isn't bi-sexual.
LMAO

[Hog's Gone Fishin]

Not during, but after....

Had used a condom. I took it off, then I blew it up like a balloon, and popped it with a pin. Hilarity ensued!

At least I thought it was funny. Girlfriend was not amused. LMAO

So you licked your own semen. ? Have I not been sending enoough ? And by the way you STILL have past due invoices !

[Gravedigger]

That's why you are supposed to use lube.

We did, lots of it.

[SAUTO]

You blew up a used condom? You willingly put your mouth on a condom that you dropped a load into and used it to make party animals?


That's disturbing. It's kind of like Rico's story where the chick goes down to give him head and discovers vagina flavored condom, but in your case it is you and the condom is dick flavored.
Yeah the thought would have never crossed my mind, and I would have definitely not told the story later
Posted via Mobile Device

[Nzoner]

Anybody ever bang a squirter? Never have but imagine it must be like a water park.

Water park hell,it was more like white water rafting down the Colorado River.

[Frazod]

So you licked your own semen. ? Have I not been sending enoough ? And by the way you STILL have past due invoices !

No, the semen is at the other end.

I guess the little dick guys don't get that. LMAO

[Backwards Masking]

Most unwanted was when I was a senior in high school.A good friend and I knew another guy who had a private entrance into his downstairs and knew that his parents never bothered "his space". Anyhow we told him we had a couple of girls who wanted to party and he agreed to let us come over as long as he could take part in the fun.
So we get girls a nice buzz going and proceed to play some strip poker which leads to some kissing and petting and finally one of the girls suggesting we turn out all the lights and have an orgy.Well long story short me and other guy end up with one of the girls in a sandwich and as I'm fingering girl I feel a hand begin to stroke my cock and suddenly realize it's no female hand and as I slap other guy's hand away I all but shout,"dude that's my dick" which leads to girls and my best friend laughing.
Thankfully there were no more instances like that and the night went great after that but to this day I still wonder if that dude isn't bi-sexual.

Reminds me of that scene in Auto Focus

Hopefully the bi guy doesn't wind up beating you to death with a tripod like poor Col. Hogan

[Backwards Masking]

I guess the little dick guys don't get that. LMAO

Looks like you inadvertently stumbled upon a way to tell who is and ain't packin' on Chiefsplanet

[Frazod]

Most unwanted was when I was a senior in high school.A good friend and I knew another guy who had a private entrance into his downstairs and knew that his parents never bothered "his space". Anyhow we told him we had a couple of girls who wanted to party and he agreed to let us come over as long as he could take part in the fun.
So we get girls a nice buzz going and proceed to play some strip poker which leads to some kissing and petting and finally one of the girls suggesting we turn out all the lights and have an orgy.Well long story short me and other guy end up with one of the girls in a sandwich and as I'm fingering girl I feel a hand begin to stroke my cock and suddenly realize it's no female hand and as I slap other guy's hand away I all but shout,"dude that's my dick" which leads to girls and my best friend laughing.
Thankfully there were no more instances like that and the night went great after that but to this day I still wonder if that dude isn't bi-sexual.

Never had anything that bad happen, but it does remind me of one time in Rio. I had a hotel room off of Copacabana Beach, and me and one of my buddies picked up a couple of pros at a bar. He didn't have money for a room, and my room had two beds, so I told him to bring her on up. We ended up swapping a couple of times, but we were never in the same bed (ewww). However, he did say the strangest thing to me a man has ever said. I was headed to bathroom between rounds and he said, "Hey, dude, you're at half mast!" LMAO

[Frazod]

Looks like you inadvertently stumbled upon a way to tell who is and ain't packin' on Chiefsplanet

Yeah, no shit. :LOL:

I guess Hogfarmer's sows tell no tales.

[Baby Lee]

Frazod's story > Hootie's story

never thought coming in you'd provide a grosser, funnier AND more embarrassing story than your nemesis, who IMO now has his work cut out for him

Rep

Where exactly did you come into Fraz?

[Frazod]

Where exactly did you come into Fraz?

My twat of an ex-girlfriend?

[gblowfish]

This thread reminds me of a very long, in-depth stoned conversation I had in college around a poker table one night. The subject came up about what was the most offensive thing a person could say. That morphed into two categories: One, what is the worst adjective-influenced noun you could possibly conceive of; and Two, what was the worst thing you could possibly ever say "in a given situation?" After much discussion, we arrived at the following:

Worst adjective-influence noun: "Scuzz-Encrusted Vulva."
Worst thing to say in a situation: Calling your mom a **** pig in front of her home bible study group.

What say you?

[RaiderH8r]

This thread reminds me of a very long, in-depth stoned conversation I had in college around a poker table one night. The subject came up about what was the most offensive thing a person could say. That morphed into two categories: One, what is the worst adjective-influenced noun you could possibly conceive of; and Two, what was the worst thing you could possibly ever say "in a given situation?" After much discussion, we arrived at the following:

Worst adjective-influence noun: "Scuzz-Encrusted Vulva."
Worst thing to say in a situation: Calling your mom a **** pig in front of her home bible study group.

What say you?

In front of the bible group?

"Hey, you're that cooz that shat on my cock when I was ass blasting you in your boyfriend's bed in high school. How are things?"

[BigRedChief]

You might wanna re-check your timeline there. That was probably the worst time in the last century to be sexually active.Timeline is what it is. My past decisions were not that great. Contracting a disease was one of the lesser risks that I took with my life.

[J Diddy]

Most unwanted was when I was a senior in high school.A good friend and I knew another guy who had a private entrance into his downstairs and knew that his parents never bothered "his space". Anyhow we told him we had a couple of girls who wanted to party and he agreed to let us come over as long as he could take part in the fun.
So we get girls a nice buzz going and proceed to play some strip poker which leads to some kissing and petting and finally one of the girls suggesting we turn out all the lights and have an orgy.Well long story short me and other guy end up with one of the girls in a sandwich and as I'm fingering girl I feel a hand begin to stroke my cock and suddenly realize it's no female hand and as I slap other guy's hand away I all but shout,"dude that's my dick" which leads to girls and my best friend laughing.
Thankfully there were no more instances like that and the night went great after that but to this day I still wonder if that dude isn't bi-sexual.

I'm thinking if he's jerking you off that pretty much seals the deal on his sexuality. Can't think of a valid excuse to do that unless you had a hermaphrodite in your orgy.

[J Diddy]

Not during, but after....

Had used a condom. I took it off, then I blew it up like a balloon, and popped it with a pin. Hilarity ensued!

At least I thought it was funny. Girlfriend was not amused. LMAO

http://klipd.com/screenshots/8f3705dc0c0eeb723ee4c3873be3a2e0-2.jpg

[gblowfish]

"Dude, That's My Dick..."
Wasn't that an Ashton Kutcher Movie???

[houstonwhodat]

You people are disgusting.

[RaiderH8r]

You people are disgusting.

That's a given. Are you new here?

[God of Thunder]

Ok, I just read this entire thread.

Funny stuff.

But you guys who are making a big deal of period sex?! Seriously?! Period sex isn't shit.

I bang my wife when she's on her period pretty much every day she's on it. I surely wouldn't eat her out or anything when she's on her period, but I'll have sex with her for sure. I dunno...maybe she has light periods? The blood doesn't seem to be THAT big of a problem.

You know what? I'll go as far as saying that period sex is pretty freaking cool for me because my wife hates being on the pill because she's afraid it will make her gain weight, so she doesn't take it....therefore period sex is the only opportunity I have to have sex with her without a condom and splooge inside her with complete confidence that I won't impregnate her. I have sex with her without a condom all the time when she's not on her rag....which will probably result in us having 10 more children before it's all said and done (oh well, whatever)....but at least when she's on her period, I don't feel like I have to worry about her being knocked up.

Since you guys are acting like such "Nancy-pants" when it comes to period sex, I'm just going to assume that your wives/past-lovers have quite bit of blood flow down there....because with my wife, it's seriously not THAT bad.... I mean, it goes like this: she puts a towel under her butt, I'm on top, bang-bang-bang, ooo-ooo-ahh, splooge inside her, she gets up and grabs a warm, moist towel to wipe my penis off with even though the blood accumulation is minimal to moderate...and I feel pampered in the process. Period sex has some upside if your not a wussy about it.

Not to mention, chicks (the ones I know well) are freaking horny when they are on their periods. If a guy is willing to have sex with a girl on their period and not be a Nancy about it, they'll appreciate it. With that said, if you are not willing to; a.) eat your girl out or b.) have sex with her when she's on her period (if she wants it) then don't ever complain about not getting any from your significant other. The more sexual dedication you show to her, whether how repulsive or inconvenient you may consider it to be, the more she'll appreciate you and be turned on by you.

On a sidenote: I've just recently found out how effective ice cubes can be when you give oral sex to your wife/gf. I've been getting a lot of action lately because of using those for foreplay.

Just FYI, a girl can get pregnant while on the period.

[Titty Meat]

This thread has made me realize a few things....

CP members eat more pussy than a boston terrier and they aren't affraid to lick ASS

[RunKC]

My gf was giving me a BJ, but she suddenly stopped, cough and then sneezed on my leg. That sneeze had mucus and crap all over it.

[HoneyBadger]

My gf was giving me a BJ, but she suddenly stopped, cough and then sneezed on my leg. That sneeze had mucus and crap all over it.

Nope. That was my jizz.

[Baby Lee]

My twat of an ex-girlfriend?

Go back and read the post I responded to. ;)

[J Diddy]

This thread has made me realize a few things....

CP members eat more pussy than a boston terrier and they aren't affraid to lick ASS

You got to lick the cat if you want the girl to come back.

In terms of ass licking, never went there. I just remember plowing some chick in the poop chute and it feeling grainy and thinking to myself "that's shit right there." Just about made me stop. (right after I was done)

No way I can go tongue diving on the pooper. I'd faint before tongue
contact was made.

[HoneyBadger]

Was really drunk one night with my then girlfriend. We start fooling around, then she stops and reaches under the bed to pull out a small dildo type device. Cool. She tells me to put it in her cooter while I'm balls deep in her ass.

Then while she's using the dildo, she suddenly pulls it out of her vagina and tries to jam it in MY BUTT! Needless to say, the night was over. The fun was done.

[suzzer99]

RHINOLITH!!
http://www.google.com/search?q=large%20hard%20discharge%20from%20sinuses&hl=en&gl=us#hl=en&gs_rn=15&gs_ri=psy-ab&gs_mss=large%20hard%20disc&suggest=p&pq=large%20hard%20discharge%20from%20sinuses&cp=7&gs_id=3l&xhr=t&q=Rhinolith&es_nrs=true&pf=p&gl=us&sclient=psy-ab&oq=Rhinoli&gs_l=&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&bvm=bv.47244034,d.cGE&fp=95b3ef6a6b6ff0df&biw=1024&bih=600

The internet is so awesome

[J Diddy]

Was really drunk one night with my then girlfriend. We start fooling around, then she stops and reaches under the bed to pull out a small dildo type device. Cool. She tells me to put it in her cooter while I'm balls deep in her ass.

Then while she's using the dildo, she suddenly pulls it out of her vagina and tries to jam it in MY BUTT! Needless to say, the night was over. The fun was done.

Yeah, I totally agree. That ain't even sanitary.

[HoneyBadger]

Yeah, I totally agree. That ain't even sanitary.

Yep. That is the issue....

[DaneMcCloud]

Was really drunk one night with my then girlfriend. We start fooling around, then she stops and reaches under the bed to pull out a small dildo type device. Cool. She tells me to put it in her cooter while I'm balls deep in her ass.

Then while she's using the dildo, she suddenly pulls it out of her vagina and tries to jam it in MY BUTT! Needless to say, the night was over. The fun was done.

Sounds like a keeper to me

[DaneMcCloud]

Yeah, I totally agree. That ain't even sanitary.

LMAO

[HoneyBadger]

Sounds like a keeper to me

No. She was a model, wanna be actress that had her life completely in a chaotic state.

[DaneMcCloud]

No. She was a model, wanna be actress that had her life completely in a chaotic state.

Even better!

Just remember to wrap it up.

[Wallcrawler]

Its all fun and games putting it where it doesn't belong until someone winds up with undigested stewed tomato and black olive on their dong.

[DaneMcCloud]

Its all fun and games putting it where it doesn't belong until someone winds up with undigested stewed tomato and black olive on their dong.

If a black olive can fit on a dong, someone has bigger issues.

Or smaller.

[suzzer99]

I met a petite black girl out a club one time rolling on ecstasy. She had 3 young kids, but was super cute and pretty much in shape. I got her back to my place and we made out for at least an hour solid. Most amazing passionate kissing I've ever had and it's not even close. Obviously the ecstasy helped, but it was still incredible.

Eventually I got to 2nd and 3rd. As we got ready to **** and I started to pull off her shirt which was still covering her stomach. She warned me that she had really bad stretch marks and I might not want to see them.

Word of advice – when a girl tells you something like that - heed their warning

But of course I was rolling and into every part of her by that point - so I said it wouldn't bother me. As I removed the shirt - it looked like someone had taken a rake down her stomach and shredded dozens of big white fissures into her black skin. Each fissure looked like that Homepride buttertop bread commercial where they split the top and add butter - except pumpernickel.

I tried to play it off but I was definitely rattled. Even ecstasy couldn't overcome that. Sex was short and unclimactic. She called me a few times after that. Couldn't do it.

[HoneyBadger]

I met a petite black girl out a club one time rolling on ecstasy. She had 3 young kids, but was super cute and pretty much in shape. I got her back to my place and we made out for at least an hour solid. Most amazing passionate kissing I've ever had and it's not even close. Obviously the ecstasy helped, but it was still incredible.

Eventually I got to 2nd and 3rd. As we got ready to **** and I started to pull off her shirt which was still covering her stomach. She warned me that she had really bad stretch marks and I might not want to see them.

Word of advice – when a girl tells you something like that - heed their warning

But of course I was rolling and into every part of her by that point - so I said it wouldn't bother me. As I removed the shirt - it looked like someone had taken a rake down her stomach and shredded dozens of big white fissures into her black skin. Each fissure looked like that Homepride buttertop bread when they split the top and add butter - except pumpernickel.

I tried to play it off but I was definitely rattled. Even ecstasy couldn't overcome that. Sex was short and unclimactic. She called me a few times after that. Couldn't do it.

Gotta flip her over.

[J Diddy]

I met a petite black girl out a club one time rolling on ecstasy. She had 3 young kids, but was super cute and pretty much in shape. I got her back to my place and we made out for at least an hour solid. Most amazing passionate kissing I've ever had and it's not even close. Obviously the ecstasy helped, but it was still incredible.

Eventually I got to 2nd and 3rd. As we got ready to **** and I started to pull off her shirt which was still covering her stomach. She warned me that she had really bad stretch marks and I might not want to see them.

Word of advice – when a girl tells you something like that - heed their warning

But of course I was rolling and into every part of her by that point - so I said it wouldn't bother me. As I removed the shirt - it looked like someone had taken a rake down her stomach and shredded dozens of big white fissures into her black skin. Each fissure looked like that Homepride buttertop bread when they split the top and add butter - except pumpernickel.

I tried to play it off but I was definitely rattled. Even ecstasy couldn't overcome that. Sex was short and unclimactic. She called me a few times after that. Couldn't do it.

Confucious say confirm what you fuck in the light, then fuck it in the dark.

[MeatRock]

I met a petite black girl out a club one time rolling on ecstasy. She had 3 young kids, but was super cute and pretty much in shape. I got her back to my place and we made out for at least an hour solid. Most amazing passionate kissing I've ever had and it's not even close. Obviously the ecstasy helped, but it was still incredible.

Eventually I got to 2nd and 3rd. As we got ready to **** and I started to pull off her shirt which was still covering her stomach. She warned me that she had really bad stretch marks and I might not want to see them.

Word of advice – when a girl tells you something like that - heed their warning

But of course I was rolling and into every part of her by that point - so I said it wouldn't bother me. As I removed the shirt - it looked like someone had taken a rake down her stomach and shredded dozens of big white fissures into her black skin. Each fissure looked like that Homepride buttertop bread commercial where they split the top and add butter - except pumpernickel.

I tried to play it off but I was definitely rattled. Even ecstasy couldn't overcome that. Sex was short and unclimactic. She called me a few times after that. Couldn't do it.

LMAO

[rico]

Excellent stories.

Tell more, Rico.

Had a busy day today, but spent a lot of it pondering old sex stories and I do have a few more...not all of them soley associated with me, necessarily. My friends had some crazy sex-shit happen in college. I'll get to those maybe tomorrow.

I am pretty tired right now, so tonight, I'm just going to go into "copy-paste" mode from my website that I created roughly 4 years ago which started out as a collection of stories that I wrote and posted for my friends' enjoyment on my myspace and facebook profiles. Since then, the site has become a full-fledged "humor blog" that I have added new stories to and have even created a blog "mascot" who I try to tie in to each story. The mascot is a white trash, short jean-short and cut off t-shirt wearing mullet man who I have tried to portray as repulsive as absolutely possible. The absolute epitome of idiocy. The mullet guy is me dressed up with hillbilly teeth, cut-off jean shorts, a cut-off orange t-shirt that reads, "Dawg Pounds," and my wife's hair extensions clipped to the back of my hair, making it appear as if I truly do have a mullet.

I decided to incorporate the mullet man in an attempt to appeal to 3 different audiences simultaneously: 1.) the people who don't like to read, but like to laugh at visual crude humor shit, 2.) the people who like to read crude humor shit, but could care less about photos/visual shit, 3.) The people who like both.

ANYWAYS, with that said.... One time my babysitter put her boobs in my face, fiddled with her crotch a few inches away from my face and gave me a lap-dance.

Haha, sounds worse at first than it actually is. Don't worry, I'm not confiding to you all that I was abused. This story, copied and pasted from my website (actually, I think this was the first one I ever posted) will explain everything. I won't add in the mullet-man cameo photo from that particular entry unless specifically requested.

Here it is:

"One of My Babysitters Became a Stripper" Written in 2007, posted in 2009.

One random weekend night about 5 years ago, my friend Poff, some other dude I didn't really know and I journeyed across the Mississippi River to the bars in East Dubuque, Illinois after the Iowa bars closed. For Iowans who reside on the Eastern border of the state, bar close is 2:00 AM, but if you are not finished partying by the time the bars close in Iowa, you have the opportunity to cross the Mississippi River to Illinois where there will generally be a small podunk town which primarily consists of nightclubs and strip-joints that stay open until 5 or 6 in the morning. East Dubuque, Illinois is an example of one of these podunk towns across the Mississippi from Dubuque, IA (Northeast Iowa), which is where I went to college. Gulfport, Illinois is an example of one of these podunk towns across the Mississippi River from Burlington, Iowa (Southeast Iowa), which is the general region where I grew up and currently reside.

When we arrived at the East Dubuque bar strip, Poff wanted to go to a strip club. I was annoyed. I admit, for a party-hardy inclined, social, sexually active male in my 20's, I have an unusual opinion regarding strip clubs. I don't like them. Straight up. If you ever catch me at a strip club, then the only reason I am there is because someone who I was hanging out with that night wanted to go. It is never my suggestion to go to a strip club.

Why don't I like strip clubs? A variety of reasons. I experience an array of unpleasant thoughts whenever I am in one.

The first and most consistently present thought that crosses my mind is "man, I hope I don't have a daughter who becomes a stripper." Nothing personal against all you stripper whores out there. Make that money how you want to, if you want to. I just don't want to be the father of a daughter who turns out like you. I would want to beat the shit out of every single dude that had my daughter's boobs in their face.

Another thing that bugs me is the people you see while you are there. I hate observing uncomfortable, awkward and blatant displays of loneliness and creepiness. This is something you are destined to encounter at a strip club. And it baffles me that there seriously are dipshits out there who are so sex-deprived, desperate and/or sex-addicted that they eagerly throw down wads of cash....JUST TO GET SOME BOOBS IN THEIR FACE. I just...never really thought of getting boobs in my face as a difficult task by any means. I surely wouldn't pay for it, when I know damn well I can get it for free if I want to. You want boobs in your face so badly that you are losing money over it? Well, a solution to that would be growing a pair and learning how to spit some game. And if you feel you are too ugly for your "game" to work, then either use your pair and hit the weights or start running or tanning or something and maintain your hygiene, OR swallow your damn pride and lower your standards and spit some game to a girl who you evaluate as being as ugly as you. You just might hit the jackpot and get some boobs in your face for free.

When I am in a strip club, I also start nitpicking the hygiene/sanitary issues that I frequently notice. I am always thinking, "God damn, some of these strippers don't wash their tits after smothering them in these dudes' faces!? And to make things worse, most of these pecker-heads' greasy faces make it appear as if they took a Vaseline shower before they arrived." So basically, when you pay a stripper a dollar or whatever to put her boobs in your face, you are not only getting a face full of boobs, you are also getting soaked with a concoction of facial and head grease from tons of these creepy dudes who got the boobs in their faces prior to you.

The beer is also more expensive in strip clubs. That pisses me off.

So with all that said, strip clubs make me feel depressed and if you EVER see me in one, I am probably pouting and pissed off that I am even there.

HOWEVER, one time I did have a very funny, memorable experience at a strip club........

So we strolled into this now vacant East Dubuque strip club called "Diamond Jim's", and this decent looking stripper immediately approaches me and says with enthusiasm, "OMG, I SO know you!!!!" I replied with, "yeah, I have one of those familiar faces. Everyone seems to have a friend who looks like me." And she was like "no, I like seriously like, KNOW YOU!!! I haven't seen you in about 15 years, you are "Rico" (she actually said my real first and last name, not "Rico.") and you are from Mediapolis, Iowa!!"

Considering the fact that Mediapolis has a whopping population of almost 2000 people, and it is located 2 and a half hours South of East Dubuque, my eyes were officially opened. I was shocked and very curious at this point. I inquired, "ummmm...how the hell do you know me?!?!" She replied, "just look at me closely and try to remember."

I looked her up and down while she stood there with a beaming smile on her face, in her flossy little red thong and her tiny matching bra for about 45 seconds before it finally hit me. She was my babysitter when I was 4 through 6 years old. I loved it when she babysat me because even back then I thought she was pretty cute. I probably used to pop little mini-boners when she babysat me. Most of all though, she was a total sweetheart. She was extremely nice to us. She wasn't like the awful babysitter before her, who forced my brother and I to gargle and swallow Dawn dish soap, simply because we asked her when our parents were coming home, which distracted her for she was trying to pay close attention to the Phil Donahue Show. (Oh man, did my parents get pissed...she's scared of my dad to this day). But no, this babysitter, the one who is now currently a stripper....she was cool shit. (Just to clarify: for those of you who know me well and remember who some of my babysitters were back in the day, I will tell you one thing about this stripper's identity; It was NOT Tanya Fisher. Thats the only clue I will give you).

When I came to this realization, I was like "holy shit, I totally remember you!! It's so nice to see you!!! It's been so long!!!" And it was nice to see her. I genuinely liked her when I was a kid. She was one of my favorite babysitters we ever had. I always wondered how she was doing...

So the genuine thrill of seeing this person who I thought highly of, who I hadn't seen in 15 years made a quick transition from excitement to intense awkwardness, especially when I asked her how her life had been turning out since the last time I had seen her... as shes standing right in front of me in lingerie, about to strip for 50 greaseballs at a rinky-dinky strip club in a podunk Western Illinois town. I mean, shit, did I really need to ask?

According to our conversation, she indicated that she has had her ups and downs in life, but at the moment she really wasn't feeling too bad about the way things were going. She did however mention being a bit embarrassed that she encountered a kid she used to babysit at that particular employer of hers.

After a few minutes of chit-chatting with her about our lives, families, etc. the announcer of the club shouted her name. It was her turn to strip onstage. However, he elaborated a bit by saying, "this girl is having a special night tonight, for the boy in the black shirt she is talking to right now is a boy she used to babysit!" Everyone in attendance began laughing, whooping, hollering and applauding.

I wondered how the announcer knew this was going on and was informed by Poff later that night that he chimed in on my old babysitter and I's conversation and as soon as he discovered what was going on, he thought, "THIS IS AWESOME!" ran in bee-line fashion to the strip club announcer to inform him of this unusual encounter.

So earlier in this post, I made it very clear earlier that I don't like strip clubs and never pay the strippers to do anything to or for me while I am in one. When I am in a strip club, I am basically a fuddy-duddy drinking over-priced beer, counting the minutes until we move on and get to the next thing. But this situation was different. Much different. My freaking babysitter, who I thought was a hottie since I was 5 freaking years old was employed at this strip club and about to do her thing.

I felt an exception to my usual strip club behavior was completely justified in this situation. I remember thinking "holy shit, she's about to go on stage. I totally have a chance to get my ex-babysitter's boobs in my face!!! A chance of a ****ing lifetime!!!" I mean seriously, I probably wanted her boobs in my face when I was a little kid and there I was, age 22, with the opportunity staring me right in the face.

So what did I do? Did I buy a Budweiser for $5, find a seat in the back and pout while simultaneously tormenting myself with an array of depressing thoughts? **** NO!!! As soon as she took the stage, I instantly sat down in one of those pimped out Zebra-stripe colored chairs in the front row and my former babysitter went straight up stripper-crazy on me. Not only did she put her boobs in my face, but she pulled her thong down, flashed me her crotch and fiddled with herself a mere few inches away from my face. And I didn't even have to pay. She whispered to me that because of who I was, I received a "special deal." I even got a free lap-dance from her afterwards. It seemed like she wanted to do it, which I thought was a tad weird, but hey, I took it with pleasure!

That was the only pleasurable experience I have ever had at a strip club.

Speaking of her, it's been about 5 years since that happened. I wonder how she's doing these days?

[rico]

Yeah, he's great!

With all the crazy (and I literally mean crazy) stories he's told, the mods should change his name to Uncle Rico because he's like the uncle that's lived and seen things that no one else in the family can claim.

Haha, funny ya say that for I just found out a week ago that I am going to be an uncle for the first time. My wife and I have 2 kids together, but have only been married 2 weeks. My younger brother, who is 28 and has been married to his wife for 7 years and has been dating her since they were both 13 years old. Haha and they just now find out they are having their first child. LMAO typical. He always was the one who did things "by the book."

[rico]

RHINOLITH!!
http://www.google.com/search?q=large%20hard%20discharge%20from%20sinuses&hl=en&gl=us#hl=en&gs_rn=15&gs_ri=psy-ab&gs_mss=large%20hard%20disc&suggest=p&pq=large%20hard%20discharge%20from%20sinuses&cp=7&gs_id=3l&xhr=t&q=Rhinolith&es_nrs=true&pf=p&gl=us&sclient=psy-ab&oq=Rhinoli&gs_l=&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&bvm=bv.47244034,d.cGE&fp=95b3ef6a6b6ff0df&biw=1024&bih=600

OMG.... that IS pretty freaking consistent with whatever it was she hacked up!!! Ugh, I literally just shivered looking at pics of those things. Smelled AWFUL.

So I can say that I had a girl hack up a rhinolith in the middle of giving me head.... That's pretty sweet, I guess. As long as I don't have to smell anything like that again.

[Fishpicker]

2) poop snake
2) kissed a girl that had tonsil stones, didn't notice until we were already pretty close to kissing
1) pegging. I ran away. I literally ran away picking up my pants, my socks and shoes on the way out. I realized I forgot my boxers but, I wasn't going back

[SnakeXJones]

Possibly the weirdest bitch I met was my last Fiance who loved to be punched & slapped

[Donger]

This explains perfectly why you are the way you are; boring sexual history = boring human being.

Not an insult, I actually feel sorry for you. Not as sorry as CP for having to endure you, but I still empathize.

Thanks, but I'm not even sure that I know who you are.

[Earthling]

I don't think I can count that one time with a dancing gorilla and the three monkey sisters. So...nope. Never had any disgusting sex...

[Molitoth]

2) poop snake
2) kissed a girl that had tonsil stones, didn't notice until we were already pretty close to kissing
1) pegging. I ran away. I literally ran away picking up my pants, my socks and shoes on the way out. I realized I forgot my boxers but, I wasn't going back

LOL!

I used to get those things a few years ago, they smell REALLY bad.

[UK_Chief]

A friend of mine used to date a girl who spurted when she orgasmed. He found it a real turn on until one day she came and started spurting all over the place but it coincided with her period. He said it looked like a murder scene.

He finished her off in the shower. I'd have thrown her ass out on the street...

:thumb:

[exterminator]

That's a given. Are you new here?

He's right.

You people are disgusting.

[Skull-FU]

I was hanging out with my buddy one night when I was in my early 20's. He had his labret pierced. If you don't know what that is, it's right below your lower lip (in the middle). He brought this girl home from the restaurant he was working at and she was really hot. We all got wasted and he took her to bed. He gave her oral sex and realized he'd lost the labret stud. He told her he had to piss and came out and asked me what to do. I was like, "Don't **** her dude. That thing might get stuck in your cock." He went back in there and continue the oral sex. She just wanted to **** but, he kept digging around for that thing LOL. Eventually, he had to stop because it was getting weird. She left the next morning and we never saw her again. She never came back to work. He never found the labret stud and we still wonder how she got it out.....

[bevischief]

You people are disgusting.

LMAO

[Fish]

Possibly the weirdest bitch I met was my last Fiance who loved to be punched & slapped

http://img854.imageshack.us/img854/1386/runaway2.jpg

[ChiefsCountry]

This thread has made me realize a few things....

CP members eat more pussy than a boston terrier and they aren't affraid to lick ASS

Love to eat pussy but I refuse to lick ass.

[Valiant]

LOL!

I used to get those things a few years ago, they smell REALLY bad.

A what?

[Rain Man]

It sounds like a lot of you people need to buy plastic sheeting and put it down before you bring a girl home.

[lcarus]

It sounds like a lot of you people need to buy plastic sheeting and put it down before you bring a girl home.

CP posters make women pee, vomit, bleed, or squirt. Every time.

[RaiderH8r]

CP posters make women pee, vomit, bleed, or squirt. Every time.

All while I bench press a truck for I am all that is man.

[RaiderH8r]

It sounds like a lot of you people need to buy plastic sheeting and put it down before you bring a girl home.

Oh yeah, it's like a Gallagher show when I get to rolling. If you're in the room you're in the splash zone. You've been warned.

[BlackHelicopters]

We need a most disgusting sex acts with a big girl thread.

[gblowfish]

CP posters make women pee, vomit, bleed, or squirt. Every time.

That's just at dinner....

[RockChalk]

We need a most disgusting sex acts with a big girl thread.

Any sex with a big girl is disgusting /Omaha

[RaiderH8r]

Any sex with a big girl is disgusting /Omaha

HOG CHOKER!!!

[lcarus]

That's just at dinner....

My parents always taught me no squirting at the dinner table.

[J Diddy]

Any sex with a big girl is disgusting /Omaha

God put me on this earth to take care of the big girls.

[BlackHelicopters]

God put me on this earth to take care of the big girls.

:thumb:

[Mosbonian]

It sounds like a lot of you people need to buy plastic sheeting and put it down before you bring a girl home.

Evidently you forgot about Lethal Weapon 2 and the lesson of what plastic sheeting is for.

[rico]

I'm going to post a couple more right now. One of them is something I had forgotten about for a long time and it randomly crossed my mind a few hours ago. The other one is going to be extremely long and copied and pasted from my website just like I did with the story about my babysitter becoming a stripper.

Speaking of the "babysitter became a stripper" story, it hit me a while ago that I got off-topic with that one, for that story really didn't fit any of the two options in Hamas's original post. These two stories, including the one from my blog, will fit into one of if not both of the categories. Has there ever been an official,

"I Have a Random Story to Tell" thread created? If there hasn't been, there needs to be one. I mean, I know that there's the "I Have a Random Thought" thread, which is a good one, but I think random stories can become elaborate to the point where it doesn't really fit a "random thought" anymore. It essentially becomes a "random story." I may create an "I Have a Random Story to Tell" thread unless someone strongly advises me not to because of it being a bad idea for whatever reason....?

[rico]

Ok, first one. Not taken from blog. This is something I hadn't thought about in years. This one fits both #1 and #2.

One time my Freshman year in college, I got "snowballed" by one of my "best friends" on my wrestling team. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what that means, it means that my friend got head from some chick, blew it in her mouth and I later made out/fooled around with the chick, not knowing that she had already taken his cum in her mouth a few minutes earlier.

It really pissed me off, actually.

This dude, who was a badass 133 lber for us was usually joined at the hip with his girlfriend at the time. I think I was his only friend in the entire college. He hated it there. He was always griping about how he missed his girlfriend when he was at class or wrestling practice. He rarely partied because she didn't ever want to and heaven forbid he leave her side for a couple hours.

But he lived in the dorm right next to me, so I got to know him pretty well. I got to know him better than the other dudes on the team got to know him.

One Friday, he surprised me by asking if I wanted to go to a party with him in his hometown to hang out with some girls. I asked where his gf was going to be and he said that she was going home for the weekend to be with her parents and that he didn't want to go with her. I was like, "sure, are they hot?" And he informed me that there was one hottie and another one that was a butter-face. He also informed me that the hottie was an ex-fling of his and that she was currently employed at Hooters. As whipped as he was by his current gf, it surprised the hell out of me that he was willing to do this. I said, "sweet, a Hooters girl? I know she's your ex-fling and all, but you seem pretty happy with your current gf, so is it ok if I try to nail her?" He was like, "oh dude, I don't care at all. Get some, man!"

So we get there and sure enough, there is this hot blonde Hooters chick and her friend who was indeed, a butter-face. We all started drinking together and I was hitting it off pretty well with both chicks. I knew I could have the butter-face if I wanted to and was also pretty confident with the way things were going with the Hooters chick. We all got pretty drunk. The Hooters chick's uncle started passing around a bottle of Kentucky moonshine and that made us all drunk as shit.

The girls started flashing their tits. Hooters girl's tits were AMAZING. However, the butter-face's tits were disgusting. They looked better covered. They were a nice size and shape, but good gosh those things were infested with shiny red stretch marks all over them. After seeing those, I immediately scratched her off as an option. She wasn't a butter-face. She was a butter-everything. Too bad.

So I was hitting it off with Hooters chick pretty well, but after a while, her and my friend ventured off to another room to "talk." I was stuck in the living room with butter-everything and she was being pretty flirtatious. Eventually we got on the topic of her past methamphetamine use. She was literally becoming more of a "butter-everything" by the second.

My friend and Hooters chick came back into the living room and I asked my friend, "you relive some old times with her?" He replied, "nahhh dude, we just went to the other room and all she wanted to do was talk about you the entire time. She thinks your hot." I was like, "sweet! I'd love to bang this chick man."

A few minutes went by and I had to use the bathroom. Right when I finished pissing, the Hooters chick walked in and began making out with me. "Things just got good," I thought to myself. We made out for about 10 minutes. I ended up getting her into nothing, but her thong when she informed me that she was on her rag, so she didn't want to have sex, but loved giving head and offered it to me...in which I accepted gratefully. Awesome shit. She swallowed.

When we exited the bathroom together, my friend pulled me to the side and asked me what happened. I told him that we made out for a long time and that she gave me a pretty decent BJ. He immediately started giggling. I asked, "what the hell is so funny." He replied, "dude, I just snow-balled you." I inquired, "oh yeah.... what does that mean?" He said, "when we were in the other room "talking," I was actually getting head from her and I blew my load in her mouth and she swallowed it." I was like, "fuck you, you are messing with me." He said, "ask her yourself. I just didn't want to tell you because I didn't want it getting back to my girlfriend, but now I just can't resist." So I immediately approached her and asked her about it and she confirmed it. I was pissed. I asked her, "why the hell did you do that to me? Why couldn't you have just stuck with one dude for the night? Did it ever occur to you that I didn't want any of my friend's cum in my mouth from making out with you?!!??!" She replied, "well, because I wanted both of you. And you didn't get cum in your mouth, I swallowed his load just like I swallowed yours."

I threw a drunken rage-induced hissy fit and was like, "fuck all you dipshits!!! Your all nothing, but a bunch of inconsiderate douchebags!!!"

We drove back to campus that night and I was so pissed off at my friend (who started referring to me as "snowball"). We were in his car, he was driving. And on many occasions I lost my temper and started punching his dashboard on his car as hard as I could...which pissed him off, almost to the point where we talked about pulling over to the side of the road to fight.

To make everything even more shitty is that we didn't get back into town until 3 AM and I was supposed to wake up at 7 AM because I had a wrestling meet. It was the alumni meet where the current team wrestles in matches vs. the alumni wrestlers. I was scheduled to wrestle this 35 year old bald dude who was an All-American when he was in college. I wasn't excited about it.

So we get into town at 3 AM and instead of getting a couple-few hours sleep, I decided to booty call this chick I had been banging instead. A year or two later, this chick came out as a lesbian and actually became president of the Gay-Straight Alliance club at our college when we were Seniors. For some reason, she always seemed to want to have sex with me. That night was no different. Therefore, in a roundabout way, she got snowballed as well, by making out and having sex with me. If she knew that, she'd probably be pissed.

So the morning of the tournament, I overslept by 2 freaking hours. I woke up in this lesbian's dorm room and without showering, I ran to the alumni meet. My hair was all matted and the coach confronted me by saying that I "reeked of booze." I missed my match by an hour. My alumni opponent was all pissed off at me because he had been training for months for this stupid meet and because I got drunk and overslept, he didn't even have a match.

Coach made me run sprints until I puked. I was also suspended for a week from practice...which I was completely fine with.

The worst thing though was as soon as I entered the gymnasium, my teammates instantly began referring to me as "snowball." My friend told the entire team and they were all laughing at me, not only because I dipped out on my match, but mostly because my friend snowballed me. They didn't let me live this one down for a couple years.

On the bright side, since my friend told the entire team about how he "snowballed" me, word got around to his girlfriend and she broke up with him and he was all broken-hearted for months. Serves him right....the slimy bastard.

[rico]

Ok, this one is copied and pasted from the blog. It fits category #1, specifically the bold portion; 1) What is the most unwanted sexual act someone tried to, or did perform, on you?



How I Accidentally Broke this Chick’s Finger Written on 3/3/09, Posted on 6/13/2009

So I was 19 years old. 2nd year out of high school, first year at Loras College in Dubuque, IA. Everything was new, unfamiliar and huge in a world that seemed so used, familiar and small to everyone I was now surrounded by.

I am an impulsive person when I am in my comfort zone. I am an extremely impulsive person while under the influence of alcohol. Along with my inclinations of being an impulsive drinker, I also have a tendency to not want to stop partying until every one else is finished partying. At Loras College during my freshman year, I was one of those Freshman who hadn’t had enough when the house parties ended. Every night, there were at least 20-30 other freshmen who were in the same boat as me, keg-beer drunk with no intentions of slowing down until daylight.

When the house parties near the campus concluded, I would venture from the party to a quick stop at my dorm at Binz Hall (the Sophomore/Junior dormitory…I got stuck there as a Freshman, long story) to Beckman Hall where the majority of the Freshmen resided. This was walk was a short one. The buildings are right next to each other. Beckman Hall was generally where the other Freshmen who weren’t ready to go down for the night would hang out, either outside the building, or in the lobby. It was usually a pretty decent time.

One time, I experienced something pretty crazy when I ventured to Beckman Hall for after-hours.

During this particular time, which was the first semester of my Freshman year at Loras College, I was enrolled in an Algebra class. Usually you hear people complaining about Algebra/Math and anything relatively similar to it, but I have always had mixed emotions about it. I didn’t like the work involved or the lengthy assignments, assigned on a daily basis. However, Math-related classes were always something that I was somewhat naturally decent at. In other words, I liked math because I was good at it, but despised the baggage that came with it (the excessive homework). Hell, I was so behind the times and stuck in the past that year (2003), that whenever I tried completing an Algebra homework assignment, I would have the most difficult time fighting the temptation to play Mario Kart (64 style) with my friends…who were stuck in the past alongside with me.

There was this girl who sat next to me in Algebra class. I don’t even remember what her name is anymore. Anyways, she caught on to the fact that I usually scored relatively high on my math quizzes, tests and homework when I actually did it. After about 3 weeks of class, she began asking me to let her copy my homework. I agreed to let her do this on a daily basis and had no problem with it. To be honest, it momentarily made me feel smarter than I originally thought I was. You are inclined to respond this way when you are 19 years old and had been called a dumbass by your father so many times throughout the years that you actually started to respond to the word as if it were your actual name and every time you heard the word mentioned in casual conversation between two strangers, you glanced at them because for a split second, you thought they were either speaking to you or about you. With that said, I was flattered that this girl trusted my intelligence enough to actually confidently copy my homework.

The only way I can describe how this girl looks is this: she looks like a combination of Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe from “Friends”) and Chris Farley. If you were to ask me what her nose looked like, I would tell you that it is something in between Lisa Kudrow and Chris Farley. If you were to ask me about her hair, I would say that her hair is like Lisa Kudrow’s in terms of style, but with a hint of Chris Farley’s hair color. If you were to ask me about her shape, I would say her shape resembles something in between Lisa Kudrow and Chris Farley, but more on the Chris Farley side. If you were to ask me what her face looks like, I would tell you that virtually every feature of her’s was a cross between Lisa Kudrow and Chris Farley. Got a good visual now?

http://ricoswaff.com/blog1/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/chris-farley1.bmp

+

http://ricoswaff.com/blog1/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/lisa-kudrow1.bmp

Got it?

Let’s refer to this girl as “Chrisa Fardrow.”

So one thirsty Thursday night, the “swimmer house” threw a kegger. Those kids could party, man. Prior to attending their parties, the only thing that I knew they were capable of was wearing Speedos in public. They could also drink!

I only had one class the next day which was at 1:00 P.M. so I knew that no matter how drunk I became, I would at least be CAPABLE of dragging my ass out of bed to attend class. So I decided to throw the brews down pretty hard that night.

The kegs ran dry around 1:00 in the morning. Going to bed at 1:00 am on a “thirsty-Thursday” was for the Nancies, so instead of just going to my dorm, watching television and going to bed, I decided to waddle my way to Beckman Hall to see if there were any other Freshmen who also weren’t ready to go down yet. Sure enough, there were about 25 people loitering outside the dorm.

So I joined the party and began drunken-bullshitting with a couple people, when the hefty girl from my Algebra class approached me and put her hand on my chest and in attempted, but failed seductive fashion, whispers, “hey youuuuu. You are like, really smart. We have Algebra together.” I responded with, “yeah, I hear that I am smart quite a bit.” That was the epitome of shit-eating ****ing lies, but I couldn’t refrain from gloating. Being described as “smart” by someone in front of a bunch of people is something that I didn’t experience often. I had to take it and run with it. She then mumbled, “I like, copy all of my homework off of you.” I propped my chin up a bit proudly and responded, “yeah, I know you do. How do you enjoy getting perfect scores every time you copy off me?” She replied, “oh I looove it, hee-hee-hee.”

It was at this moment where she blatantly changed her demeanor in terms of how she was interacting with me from “I’m a random drunk fat chick,” to “I’m a drunk fat chick who resembles a cross between Chris Farley and Lisa Kudrow and wants to **** your brains out, right now!!!”

I began gradually distancing myself from her a bit at this point. Even the drunk version of myself has standards in terms of who I want to fornicate with. These standards may be a little bit lower than the sober version of myself, but I at least maintain a pretty solid grasp as to who and what I can possibly work a chub to. Chrisa Fardrow was not even close to being within my drunken fornication standards. Simply put, regardless of whether I’m drunk or sober, I am not sexually attracted to fat chicks.

As I gradually distanced myself from her, I also decided to cut the conversation short with her. This was not as easy as I expected or wanted it to be. I quickly tried to start a conversation with someone else. Below is how my social interaction with Chrisa Fardrow unraveled. My thought process at the time and random narratives will be specified within parentheses in italics:

Chrisa Fardrow: Hey you!!! don’t walk away from me when I’m trying to start a conversation with you!!!

Me: I didn’t, I just have to talk to my friend about something. (I nudged the person nearest to my left side. This “friend” as I tried to portray it to Fardrow, was some dude I had never seen or met before. He looked at me with a confused expression on his face and treated me as if he didn’t know me…which he didn’t).

Chrisa Fardrow: Oh, well what are you doing tonight?

Me: Something else. (She should have caught on at this point, right?)

Chrisa Fardrow: Something else, like what? You know, along with being smart as hell, I also think you are hot. You look like Mark Wahlberg. (If I had a dime for every time a stranger told me I look like; Mark Wahlberg, Heath Ledger or Val Kilmer, I’d literally have about $130.70 extra cash in my bank account. That’s not an exaggeration. I hear it all the time and have since I was roughly 17 years old).

Me: Well, I can assure you, that I am NOT Mark Wahlberg.

Chrisa Fardrow: Hee-hee-hee. I know, silly. Hey, you should come with me to my room and we can ****! (Gee-whiz, that didn’t take very freaking long).

Me: Nah, I don’t think so.

Chrisa Fardrow: Why the hell not?

Me: Because I don’t think I’d perform well. I think I’ve got a bad case of drunken limp-penis right now. I’d be wasting your time. (At this point, I wasn’t quite annoyed to the point where I felt the need to say things that could potentially hurt the feelings of this person who was so nice in Algebra class and even referred to me as “smart” in front of a group of people. Drunken limp-penis. I thought it was a valid excuse and it shouldn’t have made her feel insulted or anything. But at the least, she surely should have gotten the drift by now, right?)

Chrisa Fardrow: Ohh, drunken limp-penis, ehh? Well I think I can change that. (As she winked at me. “Eww gross!” I thought to myself).

Me: No, I don’t even think a hot chick could change it. It’s a pretty severe case right now. (Ok, so I HEAVILY implied that I don’t consider her to be a “hot chick.” Is she going to catch on, finally?)

Chrisa Fardrow: Oh, I bet you I can. (As she gradually neared towards me, while I simultaneously gradually back-pedaled).

Me: No, I don’t think so. In fact, I think I’m going to make my way to my room and go to bed. (I reached for my keys in my pocket and begin sort of swaying in the direction of my dorm).

Chrisa Fardrow: Haha, bull-shit! You NEVER go to bed at this time. Everyone knows you party until 6:00 AM every night. (Holy shit, she had previously done her homework on me. And everyone knows I generally party that late every night? Everyone knows I party? Everyone knows me? There are people who actually know me on this campus??? WUT?!)

Me: Everyone knows I do that? (Wait a second, Rico, don’t let that distract you. Get back to the task at hand, which is getting this Butterball the hell off of me). Well, tonight is an exception. I am way more tired than usual tonight. I am going to bed. (I jingled my keys a bit and motioned towards the general region of my dorm, implying that I was leaving. I then began walking towards it, pouting about the fact that this annoying, chubby girl had cut my night short).

Chrisa Fardrow: Hee-hee, yeah right. (She then proceeded to quickly lunge at me and TOOK MY FREAKING KEYS OUT OF MY HAND. I was officially pissed off).

Me: Dude, give me my ****ing keys back.

Chrisa Fardrow: No way, you are WAY to drunk to have those right now.

Me: I am NOT too drunk to have those. I am not even that drunk. Give me my keys back, right the **** now!!!

Chrisa Fardrow: I thought you were so drunk that you had a bad case of drunken limp-penis???

Me: I lied. I said that to get you off my nuts. Give me my keys right…****ing…now. (Ok, the cat was out of the bad. No more implications. I blatantly TOLD her that I didn’t have ANY interest in doing anything sexual with her. She should freaking get the drift by now).

Chrisa Fardrow: No way! Your not getting your keys back! You are WAY too drunk.

Me: Seriously, I am not driving anywhere if that’s what you are thinking I intend to do. Just give me my keys back, seriously. You are pissing me off right now. (And that was an understatement. I was seething with internal rage at that moment).

Chrisa Fardrow: Nope, you aren’t getting them back. (She lifts my keys up and dangles them with her hand, taunting me with them. When I reached for them, she would pull her hand away. Time to get real with this bitch).

Me: Let me tell you something. And please allow these words to get through your fat head and reach the pea-sized brain you have inside of it. I…DON’T…..WANT….TO….HAVE….SEX….WITH….YOU. And I don’t want to make out, hang out or waste any more time trying to get my keys back from you. I seriously wouldn’t be able to have sex with you if I tried because I wouldn’t be able to get a boner to your naked body…which if you don’t know, a boner is a necessity in terms of successfully engaging in the act of sex. Now listen carefully, I…AM…NOT…ATTRACTED…TO….YOU. In fact, I find your physical appearance repulsive. So would you PLEASE, for the love of God, give me my freaking keys back?!?! (This should be the kicker. In fact, what I said to her right there was so mean, I’d expect most girls to be borderline traumatized by it. She surely will lay off now, right?)

Chrisa Fardrow: Nope. Either I go with you to your dorm or you stay with me in my room. You are just way too drunk right now to have your keys. (She STILL had a flirtatious smile on her face).

Me: Oh my God, seriously…what do you not understand about this?

Chrisa Fardrow: No, what do YOU not understand. I don’t think you’ve given me a fair chance to show you what I can do, yet.

Me: What do you mean I don’t understand? I’ve been very up front with you about all this. I’m not attracted to you, period. So give me my ****ing keys back!!!

Chrisa Fardrow: No way your getting them back. You don’t know this, but once you go fat…..(long pause as she was trying to think of something that rhymed)………you get a tat!!! Hee-hee-hee-heee!!!! (Did she just refer to herself as fat? Well at least she is showing small fragments of self-awareness that I didn't think she had. And she was giggling as if she had just come up with something so funny and creative that she was expecting me to be ultra impressed. I wasn’t impressed).

Me: I’m not sexually attracted to fat chicks. Therefore, I’m not “going fat.” And you are a fat chick. You basically just said so yourself. And I’m assuming by “tat,” you mean tattoo, right? I regret to inform you of this, but I’m not getting one of those either. I hate tattoos. And what on Earth do you honestly believe that I would get a tattoo of?

Chrisa Fardrow: You would be so blown away and satisfied with how well I ride your cock, that you would get a tattoo of my name on your ass!

Me: I guarantee that will NEVER happen. And it’s not even relevant because we are not going to have sex. Now please give me my keys back so I can revive my buzz that you have successfully managed to kill.

Chrisa Fardrow: Nope. You are either staying with me, or I am staying with you. You are to drunk to be trusted with your keys. (She began dangling my keys in front of my face again, taunting me with them).

At this point, I was down to one option if I wanted to get my keys back and get this girl away from me. This option was to quickly yank my keys that she was still dangling in front of my face and if she pulled her hand which held my keys away, I had to wrestle the keys away from her and sprint to my dorm as fast as I possibly could. This is what I did. And I was able to grab them before she could pull her hand away.

Immediately after grabbing the keys, I took off in a desperate, drunken sprint towards my dorm. Seriously, if you were to take a picture of me running towards my dorm at that moment, you would notice a grimace on my face similar to the expressions of Olympic-caliber sprinters running for the gold in the 100 meter dash. As I sprinted towards my dorm with my keys in my hands, I imagined myself as being Carl Lewis, running in the 1992 Barcelona Olympics.

However, just when I thought that I was on the verge of making a clean getaway and that the situation couldn’t possibly get any worse than it already was, things became much, much worse.

As I was passionately sprinting to my dorm, I noticed that the world wasn’t passing by as fast as it should have been considering the effort that I was putting into the sprinting. In other words, for as hard as I was pushing myself to run at an amazingly fast pace, things seemed to be moving by very, very slowly. I wasn’t making my way to my dorm very quickly, to say the least.

Shortly after noticing this, I found out why things seemed this way.

Suddenly I heard a loud, obnoxious, high-pitched scream that pierced my ears. To be honest, the scream kind of resembled what I would expect a combination of Lisa Kudrow and Chris Farley to sound like, at an extremely high octave.

Confused and startled I stopped sprinting, with intentions of discovering why this girl was carrying on this way. She sounded as if she were in agonizing physical pain. Surely she wasn’t THAT upset that I ditched her. After stopping, I looked behind my shoulder and noticed that despite the fact that I felt like I had sprinted at the rate of a racing Ferrari, this girl was RIGHT behind me. Like, within inches. Then I noticed that our right hands were somehow connected to each other.

It was at this moment that I discovered that when I grabbed my keys from her hand and began sprinting, this girl had put one of the key-rings of my keys around her finger. When I grabbed the keys and sprinted towards my dorm, I had been dragged her by her finger for at least 30 meters. This explained why the world seemed to be passing by so slowly when I was in an all out passionate sprint towards my dorm.

The screams continued. In fact they hadn’t stopped or eased up in terms of octave. She had been screaming loud as hell the entire time. She took the key ring off her fingers and stuffed them in her pocket with her unwounded left hand. I visually examined her finger and it looked AWFUL. Her damn finger had already swollen up to 2-3 times the size of her other fingers, which says a lot because her fingers were proportionate to the rest of her body. Which meant her fingers were big and chubby. And her pointer finger now had the width of the average person’s big toe. She continued to scream and carry on and I didn’t know what to say. I was still annoyed with the entire situation, but felt awful that I accidentally injured the shit out of this girl’s finger. I ended up muttering “oh shit, I am so sorry about that. I didn’t mean to do that. Are you going to be okay?” She screamed, “No, I’m NOT okay. Oh my God it hurts so bad!!!”

Some other people who had seen all of this take place ran up to us when they heard her frantic screaming. Initially, they were laughing because they thought it was funny watching me trying so hard to escape from her. However, when they saw her finger, they immediately changed their tones. They went from laughing hysterically to having a serious, worried and concerned demeanor. One of them said to her, “wow, you need to get your finger checked out! That looks broken!” She continued screaming at the top of her lungs in a pain-induced frenzy, “oh my God! Oh my God! It hurts! Oh my God!” One of the dudes was like, “hey, someone call Jeff over here. Jeff is starting pre-med and will probably be able tell her what the damage is.”

This Jeff dude was standing about 15 meters away and was conversing in a group of people who had been watching the majority of my interaction with this girl take place from the moment she began speaking to me. They were laughing their asses off the entire time. Jeff approached and began conducting range of motion exercises with her finger. IMMEDIATELY after he began doing this, her finger made loud crunching noises. He looked at her and told her, “I am 100% certain that your finger is broken. You need to seek medical attention as soon as possible.”

Her agonizing pain-induced screams continued. She was experiencing pain that I don’t even want to imagine. However, since this pre-med yuppy informed her that she needed to go to the hospital to get it taken care of, I figured this would be a perfect time to discreetly leave and make my way to my dorm. I said, “well I am sorry about all this, I hope your finger gets better, but I’m gonna go back to my dorm to get some sleep. By the way, can I get my keys back? I think you put them in your pocket after you took my key-ring off your finger.”

Her response was unbelievable. She went from screaming bloody-murder at the top of her lungs to angrily responding to my request to get my keys back by saying, “NO!!! You AREN’T going back to your dorm by yourself!!! You are WAY too drunk!”

I couldn’t believe it. How and why on Earth had she not given up on this? I mean, I had accidentally broken this girl’s finger while sprinting to get away from her and her finger was now swollen to the point where it literally looked like a hot dog. Not to mention, you’d think she’d be butt-hurt that I didn’t even make an attempt to ensure that she had a ride to the emergency room. Instead, despite the agonizing pain she was in, I acted insensitive and still seemed more concerned with getting my keys back from her than her broken finger.

YOU’D THINK SHE WOULD HATE MY GUTS AND WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME A LONG TIME BEFORE IT GOT TO THIS POINT. But no. I accidentally broke her finger due to trying so hard to get away from her and she still INSISTED that I didn’t get my keys back, for she wanted to stay the night with me and have sex.

I attempted to bargain with her. I said, “alright, I will let you walk me to my dorm to make sure I get there safely. However, you are not allowed to enter my room. Do we have a deal?” She responded while still grimacing in pain, “yeah, that’s fine, but I still want to hang out in your dorm.” I replied, “well, I can’t promise that. Just get me there and give me my keys and maybe we can work something out.”

We started walking towards my dorm. To be honest, I was embarrassed to be seen walking to my dorm with her, for I didn’t want anyone thinking I was hooking up with her. I could hear everyone in their little groups talking to each other, saying things like, “dude, that girl needs to see a doctor, now” and “holy cow, is Rico actually hooking up with her? He probably thinks he owes it to her after breaking her finger.” It was a walk of pure shame.

When we arrived at the door to my dorm room, she managed to piss me off even more. She opened my door and barged inside my dorm and turned the light on, which immediately annoyed my roommate, who was in a dead sleep. My roommate was one of our wrestling team’s 197 pounders. A big dude. A Junior. He was actually one of my practice partners as well. Just an ox, and a cool dude.

I immediately jumped in my bed on the bottom bunk and sprawled out and covered myself in blankets. This girl sat in the chair next to the bed and kept trying to rub my head and talk to me, in which I didn’t respond. For about 10 minutes, she sat there saying, “Rico? Ricoooooo??? Come on Rico!!! I’m ready to have sex now! Ahh, my finger REALLY hurts. Rico? You awake, Rico? Ricoooooo???”

Finally, my roommate, who was very studious and had class at 8:00 AM the following morning, lost his temper and said, “listen you fat bitch! Get the hell out of my room before I either throw you out or beat your ass if you are unwilling to leave. I need some freaking sleep! I have a test in an important class tomorrow! So get the hell out of here, now!” This guy was an engineering major who worked his ass off in school. He took it ultra-serious and it paid off, for he is an general manager at a large, successful factory now.

The girl responded with, “oh my God, you are scaring me! I’m leaving! I should probably go to the hospital anyways. Let’s hang out sometime, Rico.” WHAT THE HELL. She still wanted to hang out in the future?!? And why was it so easy for my roommate to get rid of her? Ugh!!!

When she left the room, I said to my roommate, “dude, sorry for waking you up, man. And you have no idea how much you just saved my ass right there. Seriously, man. It was crazy.” My roommate responded with, “Rico, what the hell are you doing hooking up with ugly, fat girls like that?! I know you are only a Freshman and you’ll make mistakes, but take my advice on this. Stay away from fat chicks. Not only are they gross, but they are freaking crazy. I’ll be personally disappointed in you if you hook up with another fat chick in the future.” I was like, “DUDE, you DON’T understand what just happened…” My roommate interrupted me by saying, “trust me, I do understand. I know all about fat chicks and how crazy they can be.” I replied with, “but dude, I wasn’t hooking…..ugh, nevermind. Good night man and good luck on your test tomorrow morning.” He thanked me and seconds later, began snoring.

Algebra class the following Monday was very awkward for me, but Chrisa Fardrow treated me as nicely as she always did…as if nothing happened a few nights prior. She was very tolerable and pretty cool when sober. I arrived in the classroom first and she entered the room a minute or so after me and sat down next to me and said cheerfully, “hey Rico!” I responded with, “hey.” I noticed that her finger was wrapped up, so I asked, “so what is the news on your finger?” She replied, “umm the doctor said it’s broken. It hurts like a sonofabitch. Just a drunk wound I guess.” I responded with, “damn that sucks, I am sorry about that.” She said, “don’t worry about it, its okay. Oh btw, can I copy your math assignment?” I replied, “sure.”

After that first semester my Freshman year, I never had class with her again. After a couple years, I couldn’t even remember her name anymore. Eventually she just became another random face on campus who blended in with everyone else…it got to the point where I didn’t think of that weird night when I’d see her around. She was just another face. I just think it is interesting, how in time, someone who you have such a weird experience with can become nothing more than just another face that blends in with the others.

[suds79]

On the bright side, since my friend told the entire team about how he "snowballed" me, word got around to his girlfriend and she broke up with him and he was all broken-hearted for months. Serves him right....the slimy bastard.

Wow crazy. I would have gone to his GF what happened the moment he shared the story with someone outside of the two chicks in the car... And have made it known he did it to himself. nlm

[Red Beans]

Rico's tale made me think of the night I stabbed a chick in the hand one night at a party. Shotgunning a beer with a steak knife and I was bringing the blade down and stuck it right in the meat of her hand. She screamed, I let go, and it was just standing at attention, right in her hand. I'm not even sure if she went to the hospital...Unlike Rico's tale, there was no attempted fat sex involved. Just a lot of people staring at a knife in a chick's hand.

[rico]

Wow crazy. I would have gone to his GF what happened the moment he shared the story with someone outside of the two chicks in the car... And have made it known he did it to himself. nlm

I dunno... I was a Freshman in college and didn't want to be the "playa-hata" on the wrestling team. That team had weird philosophies and social rules with certain shit.

It was weird though, prior to that weekend, I didn't really fit in with the upperclassmen....none of the Freshmen on that team really did fit in with the upperclassmen until they were officially Sophomores. You'd think that my whole, "showing up 2 hours late to my first college meet ever, reeking of alcohol and essentially being caught by my coach" would make me a kid who was frowned upon by them...add the whole "snowball" thing to the equation and you'd think that I was off to an awful start. Oddly enough, they thought it was some of the funniest shit ever and from that point on, they treated me pretty well compared to how they treated some of the other Freshmen. They seemed to like me after that. I was all nervous that the entire team was going to be pissed at me. They probably would have been if my coach would have made the entire team run a shit-load of sprints opposed to just me. Lucky me, I guess.

[rico]

Rico's tale made me think of the night I stabbed a chick in the hand one night at a party. Shotgunning a beer with a steak knife and I was bringing the blade down and stuck it right in the meat of her hand. She screamed, I let go, and it was just standing at attention, right in her hand. I'm not even sure if she went to the hospital...Unlike Rico's tale, there was no attempted fat sex involved. Just a lot of people staring at a knife in a chick's hand.

Holy shit! I bet that was awkward.......

[Red Beans]

Holy shit! I bet that was awkward.......

From what I recall, it certainly was.

[rico]

From what I recall, it certainly was.

It doesn't sound like people were "on the ball" in terms of helping the chick out, which I understand completely...I have no idea how I'd respond if I were to witness something like that. Were people like, really silent for a few seconds after it happened? Like, were people just kind of standing there silently, looking at it in disbelief because they couldn't believe what they had just witnessed (or were witnessing)? Because that's how I suspect I would respond to it....in disbelief.

Crazy shit, mang.

[Red Beans]

It doesn't sound like people were "on the ball" in terms of helping the chick out, which I understand completely...I have no idea how I'd respond if I were to witness something like that. Were people like, really silent for a few seconds after it happened? Like, were people just kind of standing there silently, looking at it in disbelief because they couldn't believe what they had just witnessed (or were witnessing)? Because that's how I suspect I would respond to it....in disbelief.

Crazy shit, mang.

Yeah, everyone kind of just stood there gawking. I think she pulled the knife out after it set in that there was actually a knife sticking out of her hand. I do know that it didn't go completely though her hand and that the party continued. I should facebook her and see if she actually went to the hospital or not. This was roughly a decade ago, very early on in my college experience, so my memory of events is somewhat hazy...

[rico]

Yeah, everyone kind of just stood there gawking. I think she pulled the knife out after it set in that there was actually a knife sticking out of her hand. I do know that it didn't go completely though her hand and that the party continued. I should facebook her and see if she actually went to the hospital or not. This was roughly a decade ago, very early on in my college experience, so my memory of events is somewhat hazy...

Sounds like we are around the same age. I know exactly what your saying about the early college experiences being a bit hazy. Haha, I bet that experience got you off to a pretty good start. Once you see something like that, you haven't seen it all, but you've definitely seen a lot compared to most Freshmen.

If she didn't go to the hospital then props to her, for I'm assuming she's one tough woman.

[RaiderH8r]

Wow crazy. I would have gone to his GF what happened the moment he shared the story with someone outside of the two chicks in the car... And have made it known he did it to himself. nlm

Sounds a lot like my story. Except the snowballing. And the hanging out with my friend at a party trying to nail his ex. Really I nailed my nemesis' girlfriend right in her brown eye while we were so sloppy drunk she shit on my dick, I puked on her back, and her boyfriend's bed was a disasterpiece of shitfoam, semen, puke, and Astroglide. The Astroglide alone was enough to require a full out repurposing of the mattress. Everything else...well...it pretty much topped the flaming bag of dog shit trick. That's for sure.

It would have made for a solid episode of CSI. Lot of substances for analysis. Plenty of samples.

[Red Beans]

Sounds like we are around the same age. I know exactly what your saying about the early college experiences being a bit hazy. Haha, I bet that experience got you off to a pretty good start. Once you see something like that, you haven't seen it all, but you've definitely seen a lot compared to most Freshmen.

If she didn't go to the hospital then props to her, for I'm assuming she's one tough woman.

She was pretty tough. I heard she took it in the ass from one of my buddies. The best part of that incident was the fact that they did the deed in a barn and he swore to God that he used axle grease from a tractor as lube.

[tooge]

I've farted more than a few times while getting head. The face they make is ****ing hilarious LMAO

pull the covers over her head next time. It's called giving her The Dutch Oven

[Sassy Squatch]

Just go to urban dictionary for all of your fucked up sexual term needs.

[Easy 6]

Nothing really bad has ever happened to me, i might've farted once or twice and making a girl queef always seems to make them cringe, but outside of that no real horror stories.

I guess theres always those times when you knock something loose that gets their period started, that always sucks, you can tell immediately, it stops feeling beautifully slick and starts getting watery and kind of gritty.

[Pepe Silvia]

Anyone whos ever done a portugese breakfast should be banned from cp on the spot.

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Anyone whos ever done a portugese breakfast should be banned from cp on the spot.

I rather enjoyed Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo.

[Easy 6]

Anyone whos ever done a portugese breakfast should be banned from cp on the spot.

Ok, you cant stop there, please do tell...

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Ok, you cant stop there, please do tell...

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/h_TxQEE7Z44" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Easy 6]

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/h_TxQEE7Z44" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Ah, thank you kind sir.

Thats, wow.

[BlackHelicopters]

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

[Pepe Silvia]

Thanks hamas, I don't know how to post videos. You don't have to show the chili rainbow, that speaks for itself.

['Hamas' Jenkins]

Thanks hamas, I don't know how to post videos. You don't have to show the chili rainbow, that speaks for itself.

We'll celebrate with this instead:

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/bmwIapETV_8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>