PDA

View Full Version : Chiefs Valentinowanian Extravaganza


Iowanian
02-05-2015, 10:06 PM
I like to help so here is my special offer to each of you...

In honor of Valentine's Day and as a way to screw hallmark, I, Iowanian propose a deal with you...

If you desire and promise to follow through I offer my humble services
Post a number of facts about your significant other and I will compose a custom poem on your behalf.

Your deal is you have to hand make a card, copy the poem into the middle and use it as your only card. You also have to report back on the response of the mate. If you post your response in the form of a ms paint drawing I will reward you.

Katipan
02-05-2015, 10:15 PM
Deal.


He's raced cars.
He's fought in an octagon.
He's younger than me.
He's from Iowa.
He smokes pot.

dmahurin
02-05-2015, 10:21 PM
Hallmark signs my paychecks or I would be down.

Iowanian
02-05-2015, 10:38 PM
Kp you will be first up.

As an example for how this goes I am blatantly double posting the sample for luv.

Quote:
Originally Posted by luv View Post

1. He's a chef.
2. He likes science fiction movies.
3. He plays video games.
4. He's a Rams fan.
5. He's an atheist.


We have something special cooking
It's so fun and fresh
Like south park Chef you say "well hello children"
It's why I giggle When you motorboat my chest.

I get confused on who to tell i' m coming
When you give me the cyborg rod
I don't want to hurt your feelings
Since you don't believe in God.

So tonight I hope you have the cheat codes
If you don't it will be your loss
It's the level you haven't beaten yet
My g spot.........your final boss.

Katipan
02-05-2015, 10:40 PM
That is very sweet. As always you're magic.

I'm going to make a pop up card out of porn.

Bearcat
02-05-2015, 10:45 PM
Doesn't complain.
Doesn't spend my money.
Doesn't mind getting a little dirty.
Good at typing.
Never gets jealous of the other.

Ming the Merciless
02-05-2015, 11:19 PM
You young whipper snapper
Man up and put it in my crapper

You drive too fast
When you hit that gash
Got me hot from a rear naked
But I still have to fake it

Because you boggart all the pot
And too lazy to hit my gspot

Simply Red
02-05-2015, 11:24 PM
You young whipper snapper
Man up and put it in my crapper

You drive too fast
When you hit that gash
Got me hot from a rear naked
But I still have to fake it

Because you boggart all the pot
And too lazy to hit my gspot



http://i.imgur.com/Jsh1OK6.gif

Simply Red
02-05-2015, 11:25 PM
Hallmark signs my paychecks or I would be down.

That's cool - how long have you been there?

Iowanian
02-05-2015, 11:50 PM
Gentleman start your engine
Your cougar will be waiting for you at home
If I were a Warner brothers cartoon bulldog
You would be my favorite bone

I found you in the Hawkeye state
Since then our life has been a race
We do figure 8s inside our bedroom
No one comes in second place

A THC chocolate anus candy
Was a gift that Crossed my mind
Then you hogged the final bong rip
And now this poem I instead opined.

You will know how much I like you
A car won't set the pace
I will put you in a leg lock
And cooter wrestle with your face.


Deal.


He's raced cars.
He's fought in an octagon.
He's younger than me.
He's from Iowa.
He smokes pot.

dmahurin
02-06-2015, 12:48 AM
That's cool - how long have you been there?

A little over 5 years. Im not actually a hallmark employee but I work for a company contracted by hallmark.

Simply Red
02-06-2015, 01:05 AM
A little over 5 years. Im not actually a hallmark employee but I work for a company contracted by hallmark.

werd.

Hog's Gone Fishin
02-06-2015, 06:12 AM
Vagina smells like shit

Face like a pig

Bitches all the time

Thinks money grows on trees

Baby Lee
02-06-2015, 06:42 AM
A little over 5 years. Im not actually a hallmark employee but I work for a company contracted by hallmark.

What's your branch on the tree?

You don't work at Dunder Mifflin, do you?!

Katipan
02-06-2015, 06:51 AM
Gentleman start your engine
Your cougar will be waiting for you at home
If I were a Warner brothers cartoon bulldog
You would be my favorite bone

I found you in the Hawkeye state
Since then our life has been a race
We do figure 8s inside our bedroom
No one comes in second place

A THC chocolate anus candy
Was a gift that Crossed my mind
Then you hogged the final bong rip
And now this poem I instead opined.

You will know how much I like you
A car won't set the pace
I will put you in a leg lock
And cooter wrestle with your face.

hhahahaaha LMAO

Can't wait to make the card now.

<3

Eleazar
02-06-2015, 07:21 AM
Hahaha. I would love to hear the poem but I couldn't promise to actually give her the card. You need to have a solid foundation built over decades before you try any Iowegian pickup lines on a woman. LMAO

Katipan
02-06-2015, 07:24 AM
I think it's something you smash over her head at the very beginning to make sure she can take it.

keg in kc
02-06-2015, 07:33 AM
Who needs a card. New pair of gloves and some jergens and both my girls are happy for another year.

Iowanian
02-06-2015, 07:35 AM
Are you shitting me Cochise? If someone's usual game is super Mario, Iowanilines are like smashing your head into a power mushroom. The music is faster and they can smash pussy bricks with their head for at least 30 seconds.


Using one of my poems even the regulars in the dating thread could take it to the paint and dunk. It might be on Fiona Shreck but they are dunking their balls.


Bearcat you are on the clock. A little more material to work with will increase quality. TV or movie genre favorite actor or food.

I decided I will offer different options. If you request it because your SO is delicate or you live with your mother and want something for her I will more gentle.

If you are tired of them I will also compose some break up options.

Iowanian
02-06-2015, 07:43 AM
Who needs a card. New pair of gloves and some jergens and both my girls are happy for another year.


Happy Valentine's Day ladies
I love you Handrea and Jill
You both are always with me
And put out for me at will

All we need is lotion
And a couple tufts of Kleenex cloth
I wish the head was bigger
So less often you'd slip off.

I don't consider it abuse
It is only mild shame and disgrace
But when your finger and thumb lose their grip
And punch me in the face

keg in kc
02-06-2015, 07:47 AM
I do like it rough.

stumppy
02-06-2015, 07:50 AM
I think it's something you smash over her head at the very beginning to make sure she can take it.

Exactly :thumb:

Eleazar
02-06-2015, 08:10 AM
Are you shitting me Cochise? If someone's usual game is super Mario, Iowanilines are like smashing your head into a power mushroom. The music is faster and they can smash pussy bricks with their head for at least 30 seconds.

Using one of my poems even the regulars in the dating thread could take it to the paint and dunk. It might be on Fiona Shreck but they are dunking their balls.


Ok. She is Canadian. Younger than me. A speech teacher. Yoga fanatic, very into fitness. Enjoys hiking, camping, nature, etc. Neither of us has been married or has any kids.

Iowanian
02-06-2015, 08:13 AM
Dearest woman I composed a poem for you
If I may be so bold
To define things I enjoy about you
And that you don't dig me for my gold.

To me you are most beautiful
And thrifty, fun and self reliant
And love me in spite of all my flaws
Like a weiner that isn't giant.

So pound this on your keyboard
All the other bitches all are jealous
You are my favorite lady
And I am glad to be your fella.

If you should not enjoy this poem
And feel it isn't up to your standard class
We can use it for a coaster, and you can turn over
While I drill you in the........


Doesn't complain.
Doesn't spend my money.
Doesn't mind getting a little dirty.
Good at typing.
Never gets jealous of the other.

Baby Lee
02-06-2015, 08:16 AM
Dearest woman I composed a poem for you
If I may be so bold
To define things I enjoy about you
And that you don't dig me for my gold.

To me you are most beautiful
And thrifty, fun and self reliant
And love me in spite of all my flaws
Like a weiner that isn't giant.

So pound this on your keyboard
All the other bitches all are jealous
You are my favorite lady
And I am glad to be your fella.

If you should not enjoy this poem
And feel it isn't up to your standard class
We can use it for a coaster, and you can turn over
While I drill you in the........

Doesn't complain.
Doesn't spend my money.
Doesn't mind getting a little dirty.
Good at typing.
Never gets jealous of the other.

Great, now anal will henceforth and forever be

'turn over while I drill you in the bearcat.'

Graystoke
02-06-2015, 08:17 AM
She is a Granny
She is way better looking then me
She likes Bourbon
She likes to Screw on Saturday Mornings
She is Gluten Free

dmahurin
02-06-2015, 08:32 AM
What's your branch on the tree?

You don't work at Dunder Mifflin, do you?!

No, its kessinger/hunter. They run the property management side for all the hallmark property downtown the headquarters facility facility. I do security.

Iowanian
02-06-2015, 08:40 AM
Our love is like a glacier
It isn't something that we planned
Something pushed you down from Canada
To me in the promised land.

Eh hoser, I love that you are so bendy
Before your beauty I tremble and I yield
You are my eye candy Viagra
I want to plow your Canadian shield.

This summer we'll go hike and camp
By lakes and streams and natures neighborhoods
I will wear my mounty hat and hope for no poison ivy
When I pound you in the woods.

Correcting flaws in speech....
One of the skills that make you my favorite lady
Because when I make romance too good
You st-st-st-stutter like Cindy B-b-Brady.


Ok. She is Canadian. Younger than me. A speech teacher. Yoga fanatic, very into fitness. Enjoys hiking, camping, nature, etc. Neither of us has been married or has any kids.

Iowanian
02-06-2015, 09:06 AM
No, its kessinger/hunter. They run the property management side for all the hallmark property downtown the headquarters facility facility. I do security.


If I had a girlfriend I know just what I'd say
I walk the mall at night and sleep all day
sign shoulda told ya
No Fupa or vulva
Sorry folks. Sex park is closed today

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TjVX7oIM7Pk/UxZLgaZQxKI/AAAAAAAADFs/Hstg-98h-dk/s1600/candyvacation.jpg

Simply Red
02-06-2015, 09:12 AM
I do like it rough.

http://i.imgur.com/MieipxL.jpg

MTG#10
02-06-2015, 09:19 AM
Positive things:

She's very attractive
She's super sweet
She is extremely caring
She's a hard worker
Her vagina doesn't smell

Negative things:

She's a waitress
She has a son dying of cancer
Her mom is a disgusting drunk that curses like a sailor and pisses her pants
She lets everyone walk all over her
Her kids all have ADHD

Have fun.

Msmith
02-06-2015, 09:22 AM
She is enduring. (Went thru two cancer operations but still trusts in God)
She is caring. (Getting up early morning to prepare lunches for the kids the past 18 years)
She is wise. (Doesn't have a college degree yet many ladies with advanced degrees come to her for counseling on raising a family)
She is loving. (After an argument ends, often she is the first one to make amend)
She is patient and kind. (I snore)

Katipan
02-06-2015, 09:23 AM
She's a waitress
She has a son dying of cancer
Her mom is a disgusting drunk that curses like a sailor and pisses her pants
She lets everyone walk all over her
Her kids all have ADHD

Have fun.

That one kind of writes itself.

MTG#10
02-06-2015, 09:26 AM
That one kind of writes itself.

ROFL

After reading it I felt bad so I added 5 positive things too.

Eleazar
02-06-2015, 09:29 AM
Our love is like a glacier
It isn't something that we planned
Something pushed you down from Canada
To me in the promised land.

Eh hoser, I love that you are so bendy
Before your beauty I tremble and I yield
You are my eye candy Viagra
I want to plow your Canadian shield.

This summer we'll go hike and camp
By lakes and streams and natures neighborhoods
I will wear my mounty hat and hope for no poison ivy
When I pound you in the woods.

Correcting flaws in speech....
One of the skills that make you my favorite lady
Because when I make romance too good
You st-st-st-stutter like Cindy B-b-Brady.

Oh God LMAO LMAO LMAO

Iowanian
02-06-2015, 10:02 AM
How lucky am I that valentines arrives this Saturday morning
I just may need to warm up before the love acts I'll be performing
Then we'll sip makers mark
And take a stroll in the park
To celebrate the Gilf who keeps my life exciting, not boring.


She is a Granny
She is way better looking then me
She likes Bourbon
She likes to Screw on Saturday Mornings
She is Gluten Free

Iowanian
02-06-2015, 10:09 AM
You're not too much to look at
Your face is like a state fair hog
It's the biggest reason when I drink enough to hump you
I only do it like a dog

I should have bought you a coupon
For the local semi trailer wash
Maybe 300 lbs of psi
Could knock the barnacles from your old box.

Stop spending all my money
You're not the only broad on earth
The only reason that I keep you
50 percent of my net worth.


Love is bigger in Texas.

Vagina smells like shit

Face like a pig

Bitches all the time

Thinks money grows on trees

Iowanian
02-06-2015, 10:30 AM
Your life could be a week of jerry springer
And Maury Povich, now and then
I guess your drunken mother
Helps explain your choice in men.

Sometimes pressure changes things
The ways that life can be so tough
It has shaped you into a beauty
My diamond in the rough.

Though you don't require polishing
Or flawless, perfection cuts
If you research me on chiefs planet
You know I'll put it in your butt.

You're like a Rocky film
"The measure of a person" mic the trainer interrupts...
Isn't how many times life knocks them down
It's how many times they get back up.


Positive things:

She's very attractive
She's super sweet
She is extremely caring
She's a hard worker
Her vagina doesn't smell

Negative things:

She's a waitress
She has a son dying of cancer
Her mom is a disgusting drunk that curses like a sailor and pisses her pants
She lets everyone walk all over her
Her kids all have ADHD

Have fun.

Easy 6
02-06-2015, 10:36 AM
ROFL dude you're KILLING it in here ROFL

Great stuff, please keep 'em coming.

MTG#10
02-06-2015, 10:52 AM
ROFL

Katipan
02-06-2015, 11:09 AM
hahahahahah

Fire Me Boy!
02-06-2015, 11:23 AM
A couple extra, use what you like:

She's younger by about 5 years
We met at church (I was choir director, she was lead soprano)
She's a helluva baker (cakes, cookies primarily); can't cook savory to save her life. Once screwed up Hamburger Helper.
She loves chick flicks (Pride & Prejudice being an all-time favorite)
She grew up military, so she's lived all over (Utah, New Mexico, Spain, Missouri, South Carolina, Alabama)
Very loyal, has been a rock for me in some pretty bad times
Parents a hardcore, extreme democrats

Hog's Gone Fishin
02-06-2015, 12:52 PM
You're not too much to look at
Your face is like a state fair hog
It's the biggest reason when I drink enough to hump you
I only do it like a dog

I should have bought you a coupon
For the local semi trailer wash
Maybe 300 lbs of psi
Could knock the barnacles from your old box.

Stop spending all my money
You're not the only broad on earth
The only reason that I keep you
50 percent of my net worth.


Love is bigger in Texas.

Fucking nailed it !

Bootlegged
02-06-2015, 02:54 PM
Gentleman start your engine
Your cougar will be waiting for you at home
If I were a Warner brothers cartoon bulldog
You would be my favorite bone

I found you in the Hawkeye state
Since then our life has been a race
We do figure 8s inside our bedroom
No one comes in second place

A THC chocolate anus candy
Was a gift that Crossed my mind
Then you hogged the final bong rip
And now this poem I instead opined.

You will know how much I like you
A car won't set the pace
I will put you in a leg lock
And cooter wrestle with your face.

LMAO

teedubya
02-06-2015, 03:20 PM
Iowanian needs his own talk show.

Iowanian
02-06-2015, 05:41 PM
Finding poetic ways to explain how I got you
Impossible to find the adjectives and words
My math doesn't compute how I won you
The pythagorean theorem suggests Its absurd

Beauty, wisdom, strength and loving
Are the syllables my brain gears clicking
I am in awe of your strength
In your skill as a mother and cancer ass kicking!

Men search the world for women like you
Across seas, cities and wooded thickets
But when I found you
It had to be at Wonka....you're my golden ticket.

So tonight when I'm on you
And our bed springs are bucking
I will know you're an angel
Even if you say bad words when we're.........



She is enduring. (Went thru two cancer operations but still trusts in God)
She is caring. (Getting up early morning to prepare lunches for the kids the past 18 years)
She is wise. (Doesn't have a college degree yet many ladies with advanced degrees come to her for counseling on raising a family)
She is loving. (After an argument ends, often she is the first one to make amend)
She is patient and kind. (I snore)

wazu
02-06-2015, 07:01 PM
She is from Minnesota
We met at Missouri State
Her favorite drink is Ballatore
She is a professional public speaker
In high school she won "most school spirit" every year
She has a big heart and many friends. In our wedding, limiting her to 8 bridesmaids was a hardship.
She once tried out to be a Chiefs cheerleader but was eliminated in semi-finals when she couldn't do the "triple turn" without getting dizzy
She is a great dancer - signature moves are the toe touch from Footloose and the Roger Rabbit
She loves mystery shows and books

Easy 6
02-06-2015, 08:24 PM
You really need to show this side of yourself more often, Iowanian.

:thumb:

Bearcat
02-06-2015, 08:30 PM
Dearest woman I composed a poem for you
If I may be so bold
To define things I enjoy about you
And that you don't dig me for my gold.

To me you are most beautiful
And thrifty, fun and self reliant
And love me in spite of all my flaws
Like a weiner that isn't giant.

So pound this on your keyboard
All the other bitches all are jealous
You are my favorite lady
And I am glad to be your fella.

If you should not enjoy this poem
And feel it isn't up to your standard class
We can use it for a coaster, and you can turn over
While I drill you in the........

LMAO

My left hand approves.

Buzz
02-06-2015, 08:37 PM
brings a tear to my eye. ROFL

Msmith
02-08-2015, 08:10 AM
Finding poetic ways to explain how I got you
Impossible to find the adjectives and words
My math doesn't compute how I won you
The pythagorean theorem suggests Its absurd

Beauty, wisdom, strength and loving
Are the syllables my brain gears clicking
I am in awe of your strength
In your skill as a mother and cancer ass kicking!

Men search the world for women like you
Across seas, cities and wooded thickets
But when I found you
It had to be at Wonka....you're my golden ticket.

So tonight when I'm on you
And our bed springs are bucking
I will know you're an angel
Even if you say bad words when we're.........

Thanks Iowanian. I may have to omit the last paragraph because she may feel embarrassed for such vivid description. :D

stevieray
02-08-2015, 09:42 AM
these are fantastic! it's like vintage Iowanian!

she's 6'1
she has long curly hair
loves horses
great writer
loves to cook and sew

Mr. Flopnuts
02-08-2015, 09:59 AM
This is fucking fantastic! Though I've been known to do this kind of thing myself, I can't resist.

She was 18 and I was 25 when we hooked up
loyalty is by far my favorite feature in a woman and she has it in spades
best work ethic of anyone I've ever known
far better looking than me
is a freak in the sheets. Can't get enough of it. Down for whatever

Iowanian
02-08-2015, 08:06 PM
From the land of 10,000 lakes
You danced into my life
The only three things that state did well
Ice fishing...you....and the lovely Betty White.

Cheer skirts hid your bottom from view
And made me wonder who you are
Until you put your hands in your armpits and sniff them.
And dropped to one knee shouting....Supah-star!

To my good fortune today
You turned out sexy, sweet and charming
In the past I've been filtered by my target's friends
But you......had a cock blocking army.

Our story is far from finished
And as I suspected your fanny turned out fine
Tonight for just this once.....stop talking
And let me tell you that you're mine.

To So Many friends and strangers
Public speaking is for what thou art know
But my preferred conversation
Involves your private moans.


She is from Minnesota
We met at Missouri State
Her favorite drink is Ballatore
She is a professional public speaker
In high school she won "most school spirit" every year
She has a big heart and many friends. In our wedding, limiting her to 8 bridesmaids was a hardship.
She once tried out to be a Chiefs cheerleader but was eliminated in semi-finals when she couldn't do the "triple turn" without getting dizzy
She is a great dancer - signature moves are the toe touch from Footloose and the Roger Rabbit
She loves mystery shows and books

wazu
02-08-2015, 09:19 PM
I remember the first time I saw you
Your eye lashes fluttered and flirtily flicker
I said to myself in Kirksville that day she be so foxy
It doesn't matter to me if she's my cousin, or even 'cricker'

Cheer skirts hid your bottom from view
And made me wonder who you are
Until you put your hands in your armpits and sniff them.
And dropped to one knee shouting....Supah-star!

To my good fortune today
You turned out sexy, sweet and charming
In the past I've been filter by my target's friends
But you......had a cock blocking army.

Our story is far from finished
And as I suspected your fanny turned out fine
Tonight for just this once.....stop talking
And let me tell you that you're mine.

Awesome! Thank you. I will be using this as the content in the only card I hand her at dinner next Saturday. No explanation, just, "here you go". One edit I will make, though - Missouri State is in Springfield.

Will report back as per your instructions with the reaction and include some kind of MS Paint mural.

Iowanian
02-08-2015, 09:24 PM
In that case the prized cricker line is ineffective. I need a little time to rewrite that stanza. I cannot abide poor material going into the hands of your favorite vagina-American.


Edit made. Look again. Like a good record it turns out there was a bonus track on the end.
Awesome! Thank you. I will be using this as the content in the only card I hand her at dinner next Saturday. No explanation, just, "here you go". One edit I will make, though - Missouri State is in Springfield.

Will report back as per your instructions with the reaction and include some kind of MS Paint mural.

Iowanian
02-08-2015, 10:11 PM
Even though I direct the choir
You always had the lead
Ballads of alpha and omega
And you're still the boss of me.

You are the beauty, me the beast
That truth needs no inspection
Your worldly tastes my fortune
Baking up our romance your prize confection.

While I often speak of truffles and complex soufflés
Au jus and pan seered broiled roasts
Cakes, pies, cupcakes and lemon tarts you make with ease
But you even burn the toast?

Shakespeare wrote of love and kindred spirits
Like I drone about garden herbs
But you are my special friend in life
Much more than I deserve.


Ok....I understand this can't be used but honestly I cannot in good faith think of this and not share it.
Ps

Everyone who saw us
Said you were the beauty, me the beast
If you were any younger when I got you
You'd have been a boy and I'd have been a priest.



A couple extra, use what you like:

She's younger by about 5 years
We met at church (I was choir director, she was lead soprano)
She's a helluva baker (cakes, cookies primarily); can't cook savory to save her life. Once screwed up Hamburger Helper.
She loves chick flicks (Pride & Prejudice being an all-time favorite)
She grew up military, so she's lived all over (Utah, New Mexico, Spain, Missouri, South Carolina, Alabama)
Very loyal, has been a rock for me in some pretty bad times
Parents a hardcore, extreme democrats

Iowanian
02-08-2015, 10:48 PM
The Taj Mahal has nothing on my Mrs
Too much sex appeal for amatures to see
If beauty were karate skills
You would be better than Bruce Lee

Let me paint the picture
Faulkner novels fail to explain
To tell the tail about how long those legs are
Requires a summer setting on a river by mark twain.

Like a band of wild mustangs in the mountains
But with no damn Broncos to be found
Every morning I wake up with her
I say "thank you lord...First Down!"




these are fantastic! it's like vintage Iowanian!

she's 6'1
she has long curly hair
loves horses
great writer
loves to cook and sew

Iowanian
02-08-2015, 11:28 PM
Our last interaction, you called me a bloody vagina. I forgive you but due to the final of your note options listed and my chance at penance I must make some sport at your expense.

In honor of this manufactured holiday
I bought a book with whips and chains and all of that
But I had this one self titled
It's now called "50 shades of formerly fat"

My respect for you is great
Like long-haired Sampson level strong
If you worked any harder
Your coworkers would sing Some chaingang songs.

This list of debts collected mounted....
Pale in the value...of how you make things right from wrong.
Let's go roll wooden barrels at the neighbors
You be the captured princess....and I'll be your loving Donkey kong.

No one is more surprised than me.....
I am thrilled at how long, together we have lasted
Because it is a special night and you like to freak....
Tonight....I wouldn't mind it
..... if I found myself getting finger blasted.


This is fucking fantastic! Though I've been known to do this kind of thing myself, I can't resist.

She was 18 and I was 25 when we hooked up
loyalty is by far my favorite feature in a woman and she has it in spades
best work ethic of anyone I've ever known
far better looking than me
is a freak in the sheets. Can't get enough of it. Down for whatever

Fire Me Boy!
02-09-2015, 05:33 AM
Even though I direct the choir
You always had the lead
Ballads of alpha and omega
And you're still the boss of me.

You are the beauty, me the beast
That truth needs no inspection
Your worldly tastes my fortune
Baking up our romance your prize confection.

While I often speak of truffles and complex soufflés
Au jus and pan seered broiled roasts
Cakes, pies, cupcakes and lemon tarts you make with ease
But you even burn the toast?

Shakespeare wrote of love and kindred spirits
Like I drone about garden herbs
But you are my special friend in life
Much more than I deserve.


Ok....I understand this can't be used but honestly I cannot in good faith think of this and not share it.
Ps

Everyone who saw us
Said you were the beauty, me the beast
If you were any younger when I got you
You'd have been a boy and I'd have been a priest.


LMAO

BRAVO

Iowanian
02-09-2015, 11:10 AM
Glad you liked it, but I'm having second thoughts about removing that bonus editor's cut....

Mr. Flopnuts
02-09-2015, 11:14 AM
Our last interaction, you called me a bloody vagina. I forgive you but due to the final of your note options listed and my chance at penance I must make some sport at your expense.

In honor of this manufactured holiday
I bought a book with whips and chains and all of that
But I had this one self titled
It's now called "50 shades of formerly fat"

My respect for you is great
Like long-haired Sampson level strong
If you worked any harder
Your coworkers would sing Some chaingang songs.

This list of debts collected mounted....
Pale in the value...of how you make things right from wrong.
Let's go roll wooden barrels at the neighbors
You be the captured princess....and I'll be your loving Donkey kong.

No one is more surprised than me.....
I am thrilled at how long, together we have lasted
Because it is a special night and you like to freak....
Tonight....I wouldn't mind it
..... if I found myself getting finger blasted.

ROFL I fully expected to be "blasted". Well done. I'm printing this on a card and giving it to her.

Iowanian
02-09-2015, 11:24 AM
I have to admit, I think I was in the zone last night, delusional from exhaustion...but I'll wager there isn't another poem in the world that includes references to 50 shades, weight loss, Sampson from the Bible, Donkey Kong....and a thumb in the tooter.



Now.....While I hope these help some of you get laid....I'm the one who is now F'd....Brideowanian wondered what I was working on, saw these.....and well, expectations for my efforts for her are much higher, if I'm putting in this work for "some internet people". I'm going to have to step my game up and it's all your fault.

Her favorite line so far is the one about Cindy B b Brady.

shakesthecat
02-09-2015, 11:48 AM
Alright, I've been given the green light.

You've met her a couple times. You've been to our place.

You can't offend either of us.

Bring it.

Iowanian
02-10-2015, 03:30 PM
We'll be loving Hipsters, meeting in the High-life Lounge.
Champaigne of beers and Pabst Blue Ribbon, the menu I'll recite
welcomed by Neon haze and music
We have arrived to celebrate, It's name brand beer tonight!

I suppose you'll want to consume some food, and that's ok with me
We can talk about the Royals Championship and reminisce our long love story.
We could take the Emmenecker Challenge or at least give it a try
Tomorrow you'll be on my mind all day, except during my morning glory.

As you can tell, we're doing something fancy
So fix your hair and try on this sexy, Vicky's Secret girdle.
My loving wife when you look this nice I have to say,
The sight of you, makes me hard like the shell......of my favorite Ninja Turtle.


bonus track.....

If my romantic planning doesn't fit the bill
I guess it's not our Tuesday night or zombie Burger's don't make you tickled
I'll ATM a couple hundred dollars dear
and we'll go buy you.....a robotic-for-her-pleasure- rubber pickle.




Alright, I've been given the green light.

You've met her a couple times. You've been to our place.

You can't offend either of us.

Bring it.

BucEyedPea
02-10-2015, 03:34 PM
I like to help so here is my special offer to each of you...

In honor of Valentine's Day and as a way to screw hallmark, I, Iowanian propose a deal with you...

If you desire and promise to follow through I offer my humble services
Post a number of facts about your significant other and I will compose a custom poem on your behalf.

Your deal is you have to hand make a card, copy the poem into the middle and use it as your only card. You also have to report back on the response of the mate. If you post your response in the form of a ms paint drawing I will reward you.

What if it's done in Adobe Illustrator or Photoshop or both combined?

BucEyedPea
02-10-2015, 03:35 PM
Hallmark signs my paychecks or I would be down.

Really? They tried to hire me out of art school years ago.

BucEyedPea
02-10-2015, 03:36 PM
Is tall, light and handsome.
Very laid back.
Loves football.
Works a lot.
Pays my overhead.

Iowanian
02-10-2015, 03:37 PM
That's fine, honestly, some people are probably hoping for a hidden cam live link.



Is he sophisticated and delicate, or can I let it rip?

What if it's done in Adobe Illustrator or Photoshop or both combined?

Otter
02-10-2015, 03:47 PM
There once was a guy from Iowa
Instead of girls he liked guyowas
When he went poo it was just a hollow sounding to do
He masturbated to Captain Kangaroo

Sorry, I'm on a time limit. Feel free to use the material!

BucEyedPea
02-10-2015, 03:57 PM
That's fine, honestly, some people are probably hoping for a hidden cam live link.



Is he sophisticated and delicate, or can I let it rip?

He's known as a nice guy—calm and laid back. Well liked cause he's not known as mean. Don't know if delicate is the right word tho'. If your gonna let it rip. I don't make you a card and I am a graphic artist. Your loss.

Iowanian
02-10-2015, 10:19 PM
There once was a poster named otter
Whose pecker looked like it was in icy water
He took rips from his bong
To hide the shame of his dong
And beat off while he watched Harry Potter


There once was a guy from Iowa
Instead of girls he liked guyowas
When he went poo it was just a hollow sounding to do
He masturbated to Captain Kangaroo

Sorry, I'm on a time limit. Feel free to use the material!

Iowanian
02-11-2015, 02:17 PM
Did I tell you about the time I saw...?
At least I guy I know said he did.
If I tell you all of my stories
You're sure to flip your lid

Its fun to have you around,
Though it's not always adrenaline thrills.
Thanks for keeping the lights on,
My Sugar Daddy pay the bills.

You work so very often
Taking all email and business calls
Chiefs fans told me how to reward you...
I'll cook to fill your belly and then empty your balls.

In honor of your kind demeanor
just lay back on the bed
We'll pretend tonight's your birthday
You're gonna get some ....


Is tall, light and handsome.
Very laid back.
Loves football.
Works a lot.
Pays my overhead.

Iowanian
02-12-2015, 08:31 AM
I may have time to do 1 or 2 more this afternoon but that would be it until the "results" start rolling in.

shakesthecat
02-12-2015, 03:55 PM
Printed. However, I included it in a "real" card. I'm not a moran.

I promise to spend several minutes if necessary, on my MS Paint reaction.

Thanks!

Iowanian
02-13-2015, 04:05 PM
My work here is completed.

I wish each of you good luck and look forward to your reports on the success or failure of my Shell Iowanistein attempts.

Katipan
02-13-2015, 04:11 PM
My work here is completed.

I wish each of you good luck and look forward to your reports on the success or failure of my Shell Iowanistein attempts.

Mine is so fucking awesome I bet most people dry heave when they see it.

Bwana
02-13-2015, 04:49 PM
LMAO Well done

007
02-13-2015, 04:55 PM
late to the game again

Iowanian
02-14-2015, 01:40 PM
To keep it real, this is what I put together for the lovely and talented brideowanian


Together We began the game of life
In the year of our lord, 2003
Sometimes it seems like our game board is missing pieces
I'm glad you're playing with me

We started out on Baltic avenue
In a crappy, small and low rent space
But by working hard together
Boardwalk was the goal but we live the dream now in park place

A constant battle of messes and noise
Barfing kids and things that smell funky
It's hard to tell where you end,and I begin
We live in a barrel of monkeys.

Your game of choice is probably chess
Because the queen dominates all things
But everyone knows I am a checkers man
I get to jump you because I am the king

I am glad we get to play the game
With you on my team we will not fail
Together. We collect $200, pass go ...
and hopefully stay out of jail

Msmith
02-15-2015, 08:33 AM
"Finding poetic ways to explain how I got you
Impossible to find the adjectives and words
My math doesn't compute how I won you
The pythagorean theorem suggests Its absurd

Beauty, wisdom, strength and loving
Are the syllables my brain gears clicking
I am in awe of your strength
In your skill as a mother and cancer ass kicking!

Men search the world for women like you
Across seas, cities and wooded thickets
But when I found you
It had to be at Wonka....you're my golden ticket."

I made a card stock with a picture of plum flowers that I drew on the front cover. I pasted the three stanzas inside the card and gave it to my wife. She enjoyed the card a lot, especially the picture and the wordings of the poem, the golden ticket.

Thanks, Iowanian.

Iowanian
02-16-2015, 06:28 PM
Well?

After being initially startled with the reading my home attempt was treated with a good laugh. Bonus level achieved when all of her pals saw it.

wazu
02-16-2015, 07:13 PM
Made for some great fun. Long ago I used to write her things like this, so when she first saw it that's what she thought it was, but as she started reading was completely thrown.

When I explained after the fact and she read it again and got a good laugh out of it. Great night. Thanks, Iowanian!

Iowanian
02-17-2015, 03:36 PM
Good show wazu

wazu
02-23-2015, 08:54 PM
I like to help so here is my special offer to each of you...

In honor of Valentine's Day and as a way to screw hallmark, I, Iowanian propose a deal with you...

If you desire and promise to follow through I offer my humble services
Post a number of facts about your significant other and I will compose a custom poem on your behalf.

Your deal is you have to hand make a card, copy the poem into the middle and use it as your only card. You also have to report back on the response of the mate. If you post your response in the form of a ms paint drawing I will reward you.

So, am I wrong or did only 2 of the 15 or so people who Iowanian did this for follow through with their end of the bargain?

threebag
02-23-2015, 09:05 PM
So, am I wrong or did only 2 of the 15 or so people who Iowanian did this for follow through with their end of the bargain?

He got GoChiefed

Katipan
02-23-2015, 09:15 PM
I told my SO his poem was from Iowanni on the internet but the card was all my design and featured a a heavy card stock that opened into 3D spread legs through which you pulled a tampon full of weed out of the vagina.

He of course fell in love all over again.

Buzz
02-23-2015, 10:11 PM
I told my SO his poem was from Iowanni on the internet but the card was all my design and featured a a heavy card stock that opened into 3D spread legs through which you pulled a tampon full of weed out of the vagina.

He of course fell in love all over again.

Freak.

eDave
02-23-2015, 10:15 PM
I told my SO his poem was from Iowanni on the internet but the card was all my design and featured a a heavy card stock that opened into 3D spread legs through which you pulled a tampon full of weed out of the vagina.

He of course fell in love all over again.

That's a nice touch.

Buzz
02-23-2015, 10:17 PM
That's a nice touch.


smelled like popcorn.

Iowanian
02-24-2015, 03:47 PM
On the bright side, that's 2 more scores than the Chiefs receivers can claim in the past 16 months.

So, am I wrong or did only 2 of the 15 or so people who Iowanian did this for follow through with their end of the bargain?

MTG#10
02-24-2015, 04:01 PM
So, am I wrong or did only 2 of the 15 or so people who Iowanian did this for follow through with their end of the bargain?

Well I couldn't use mine for obvious reasons...

TimBone
02-24-2015, 04:10 PM
smelled like popcorn.
Buttered popcorn

Fire Me Boy!
02-24-2015, 08:44 PM
My wife loved it. I even showed her the alternate stanza later and she laughed her ass off.

Much of secks was had.

Iowanian
02-24-2015, 08:50 PM
So what's you are saying is we can count a third touchdown reception. Nice.

Buzz
02-24-2015, 09:34 PM
Buttered popcorn

Racist, reported, I like mine slightly burnt.

stumppy
02-24-2015, 09:49 PM
I could use a little help with an something I'm thinking about posting on craigslist.

It's not for me it's for my dog, a border collie mix named Dodger. (He's the mutt in my avi.) What I'd really like to do for my buddy is find someone who has a female in heat that wouldn't mind introducing the two for a very short term relationship.:D
The poor fella hasn't ever gotten laid. He's 3 years old and needs a girlfriend. Hell, he even knows that 'girlfriend' means a female. Comes from running with a friends female healer for several months when he was a pup.
He hasn't gone to humping legs or anything but I don't know how much longer thats going to last.:D
Wording his 'personal ad' just right would go a long ways towards hooking the poor bastard up.

Iowanian
02-25-2015, 11:26 AM
HELP WANTED. For a friend
Who goes by the code name of Dodger.
Mans best friend for life, a virgin in strife
I'd like to find him some bitches to Rodger.

A boarder collie he might be of mix
no papers to certify his breed
but a playdate with your she-dog
will take care of his needs.

Dodger won't care if she's short, fat or bald
or if her pedigree is top billing
as long as her tail is up
and her back side he's drilling

...A while they bone in the yard
and you're a chic in the mood
I might show you my hang-down
and you too, can get screwed.

Fire Me Boy!
02-25-2015, 11:30 AM
So what's you are saying is we can count a third touchdown reception. Nice.

I really want to make a joke about a TE getting the reception, but it just wouldn't be accurate.

Fire Me Boy!
02-25-2015, 11:31 AM
HELP WANTED. For a friend
Who goes by the code name of Dodger.
Mans best friend for life, a virgin in strife
I'd like to find him some bitches to Rodger.

A boarder collie he might be of mix
no papers to certify his breed
but a playdate with your she-dog
will take care of his needs.

Dodger won't care if she's short, fat or bald
or if her pedigree is top billing
as long as her tail is up
and her back side he's drilling

...A while they bone in the yard
and you're a chic in the mood
I might show you my hang-down
and you too, can get screwed.

You're a romantic at heart.

Iowanian
02-25-2015, 04:13 PM
I can't help it FMB, I just can't leave poor Dodger in limbo like that, never knowing the gentle nuzzle of a lover that doesn't have a stumpy spoon of peanut butter.

stumppy
02-28-2015, 11:49 PM
HELP WANTED. For a friend
Who goes by the code name of Dodger.
Mans best friend for life, a virgin in strife
I'd like to find him some bitches to Rodger.

A boarder collie he might be of mix
no papers to certify his breed
but a playdate with your she-dog
will take care of his needs.

Dodger won't care if she's short, fat or bald
or if her pedigree is top billing
as long as her tail is up
and her back side he's drilling

...A while they bone in the yard
and you're a chic in the mood
I might show you my hang-down
and you too, can get screwed.

LMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAO

Perfect

stumppy
03-01-2015, 08:48 AM
http://springfield.craigslist.org/wan/4912408452.html

I guess theres nothing to do but wait. :D

stumppy
03-02-2015, 05:32 PM
http://springfield.craigslist.org/wan/4912408452.html

I guess theres nothing to do but wait. :D

Lasted one and a half days. 'Content Flagged for Removal' :D

Iowanian
03-02-2015, 06:17 PM
Try try again. Maybe remove the last stanza. You had better share any responses.

stumppy
03-02-2015, 06:51 PM
Try try again. Maybe remove the last stanza. You had better share any responses.


I didn't put the last one in. I think they blocked it right away then removed it later on. Didn't get one response to the ad. I did complain on the rules forum and received replies stating that 'Stud service'' post were not allowed.
Tried to draw a few of them out on it but, as I said over there, all of them pretty much have sticks up their asses.

Oh well, back to the drawing board. Your poem was great as far as I'm concerned. :thumb:

stumppy
03-02-2015, 07:03 PM
I should have used this picture of him.LMAO

Iowanian
02-14-2018, 05:10 PM
I'm not in the mood to help you with romance, but if you want to break it off I'll help her fall out of love with you faster than reading your internet history.

Iowanian
02-10-2020, 10:55 PM
I may find time to apply some effort for worthy submissions this year.

I think breakup announcements can also be arranged. Bring it.