Hypothetical: Serving as a Prison Proxy

[Rain Man]

In the Civil War, a rich person who was drafted into the Army could pay someone else to serve for him as a "substitute". One would think that this was a popular program among wealthy people.

In a hypothetical situation, assume that a scandal occurs in Congress of epic proportions. It appears that 52 Senators are about to go to prison for selling their votes to fund a new program to build a hypersonic stagecoach.

In a late-night voting session, the Senate and House approve a bill that allows people to pay someone else to serve time for them in prison. The final Senate vote was 52 to 48 to approve it.

You are approached by a wealthy business owner from your state by the name of Hiram Higginbotham. Mr. Higginbotham is willing to pay you to serve a one-year prison term that he got due to inciting a brawl in a wine and cheese bar.

You don't know the exact prison you'd be going to, but you can generally assume that it is a state prison with the following attributes:

1. You'll share a cell with one random prisoner.

2. 10 percent of prisoners are violent criminals, 10 percent are gang members, and 80 percent are nonviolent.

3. You'll be in your cell for 14 hours a day, working for 6, in a big group room for another 2, then 1 hour for meals and 1 hour outside.

4. You will have "wake up" and "lights out" at specified times.

5. Your work will likely involve cleaning stuff, working in the prison laundry, working in the prison cafeteria, or work of a similar nature. You'll earn roughly 28 cents an hour that will go into your prison commissary account.

6. You can be visited by your immediate family (spouse, kids, parents, etc.) and by an attorney or other advocate.

7. The cost of your room and board is, of course, provided by the state.

You will be allowed to tell anyone you wish - inside or outside prison - that you are there as a "substitute" and it will not appear on your criminal record. Assume that society views serving as a "substitute" to be a relatively low-class activity, but recognizes that it's not like being a felon or anything.


What's the lowest amount that you would take to serve Mr. Higginbotham's sentence?

[ptlyon]

Don't forget getting cornholed on a regular basis

[Coochie liquor]

I think it would have to be a year and a day. Otherwise you just go to county. So are we talking prison or jail? I'd be willing to serve at either for 700k. But id come in about 1.5 mil and settle closer to 600k-800k

[Coochie liquor]

Don't forget getting cornholed on a regular basis

That's just an added bonus. Half this site would prob have more sex in prison than they do on the outside. Although it may be forced in prison...

[Mr. Laz]

one weird dude

[Rain Man]

I think it would have to be a year and a day. Otherwise you just go to county. So are we talking prison or jail? I'd be willing to serve at either for 700k. But id come in about 1.5 mil and settle closer to 600k-800k

State prison, and okay, a year and a day. I'll defer to your expertise.

[Otter]

Tax free?

[Predarat]

It would have to be enough for me to basically buy a nice decent house paid in full, and not have to worry about bills and such ever again. I could basically retire, but carry a non stressful job that I can leave for trips and such whenever the hell I want.

[Rain Man]

Tax free?

Yeah, just to keep it easy.


I said I wouldn't do it for any amount of money, but the more I think about it, I might do it for $2 million. I'd sacrifice one year for an early retirement and hope that I don't get a bad roomie or have gang problems. But even at $2 million I'd be on the fence.

[Otter]

Yeah, just to keep it easy.


I said I wouldn't it for any amount of money, but the more I think about it, I might do it for $2 million. I'd sacrifice one year for an early retirement and hope that I don't get a bad roomie or have gang problems. But even at $2 million I'd be on the fence.

I have no experience with the prison system (once I was caught driving with an expired inspection however) but I've watched a couple "Locked up Abroad" episodes that were absolutely frighting. Some of those South American, Russian and Eastern European prisons will give you nightmares let alone the middle east and Asian ones.

Even with the threat of being raped, beat up, robbed, having "I Love Bubba" unwillingly tattooed in large print across your back and never being able to take off your shirt again if I was guaranteed to make out the other side alive I'd be willing to negotiate. But I can't risk dying in prison even if the odds are on my side.

No dice senator! :harumph:

[The Franchise]

It would have to be for more than $2 million.

Any chance I can maneuver my way into solitary for the year?

[alnorth]

It would probably take $3MM for me.

I am assuming that regardless of how tolerant society might be as you describe, I assume I would still lose my job for being away a year and I might not get a similar job because the potential future employer would see my decision-making as being very weird and questionable. I therefore assume I would muddle along with lower-paying jobs for 25 years while my "substitute pay" grows in an investment account until I retire.

If the 1 year sentence was risk-free, I'd probably accept $1.5MM which would probably grow to about $5-6MM before I retire. Since this scenario also comes with all the well-known risks of prison, I doubled it.

[Rain Man]

It would have to be for more than $2 million.

Any chance I can maneuver my way into solitary for the year?


You might be able to if you're unruly, but that might increase your sentence. Your call.

[The Franchise]

You might be able to if you're unruly, but that might increase your sentence. Your call.

I wonder if I could pull off possibly bribing my cell mate or one of the guards.

[Graystoke]

Conjugal Visits?

[Otter]

I wonder if I could pull off possibly bribing my cell mate or one of the guards.

That's a viable option I didn't consider. Since you can make it common knowledge of the compensation you may be able to set yourself up Goodfellas style.

Still, what if someone in your family was diagnosed with a year to live or you were diagnosed in prison. The only way I could imagine this is if I was fresh out of college and broke. I'd set myself up to take the bar, professional engineer cert or something along those lines when I came out.

[88TG88]

I think I would do it for 1 mil, maybe a little less if prison food is somewhat good.

[Jerok]

In these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women? OK I'll do it.

[Rain Man]

That's a viable option I didn't consider. Since you can make it common knowledge of the compensation you may be able to set yourself up Goodfellas style.

Still, what if someone in your family was diagnosed with a year to live or you were diagnosed in prison. The only way I could imagine this is if I was fresh out of college and broke. I'd set myself up to take the bar, professional engineer cert or something along those lines when I came out.


I think that's a recipe for trouble.

"Hey, everyone! The guy in Cell 3A is getting paid a million bucks for being here! I wonder how much he'll pay to not get a visit from our gang every evening."

Now that I think about it, you probably wouldn't want anyone in prison to know that you're a paid substitute, or you'd be at risk of paying it all out over the course of the year.

[KurtCobain]

I was just released from Missouri doc. if you're only doing a year you're not going anywhere with that little of yard time, you are much more likely to be in an open bay than in a Cell and there is no rape. too many babies in those types of camps for anyone to need to rape anyone.

[Otter]

I was just released from Missouri doc. if you're only doing a year you're not going anywhere with that little of yard time, you are much more likely to be in an open bay than in a Cell and there is no rape. too many babies in those types of camps for anyone to need to rape anyone.

Do your farts still make noise? What are babies? I'm assuming you're not speaking literally.

[KurtCobain]

Babies are prison pillowbiters. sometimes they are caught up in politics(owned by gangs) but often they are just there looking for a true love. I've been to a wedding on the yard, it was a very nice ceremony there was cake and punch. It was lil d and roscoe getting married, they gave each other rings made out of their own hair.

[Otter]

Babies are prison pillowbiters. sometimes they are caught up in politics(owned by gangs) but often they are just there looking for a true love. I've been to a wedding on the yard, it was a very nice ceremony there was cake and punch. It was lil d and roscoe getting married, they gave each other rings made out of their own hair.

You need to make a thread about prison life. Do's and Don'ts. Stories. How to survive etc.

[Bugeater]

It would have to be life changing money so I went with $2M+ and even then I'd have a lot of reservations about doing it.

[Rain Man]

You need to make a thread about prison life. Do's and Don'ts. Stories. How to survive etc.

Definitely. I have a lot of questions.

[Ebolapox]

You need to make a thread about prison life. Do's and Don'ts. Stories. How to survive etc.

I feel that we need to do a reddit-version AMA for kurt.

[Predarat]

Hell with what I hear about prisons nowdays it might not be to terrible.

[ThaVirus]

I'd do it for $1,000,000.

I'm working a dead end job with no future currently anyway. I'm good friends with the owner/GM so I could probably just put on my resume that I was still working there for the past year while serving the time. Combine that with the fact that my record stays clean and I'd really be no worse for wear by doing a bid.

I don't have kids or a wife.

As far as doing the time, I could have some issues. I'm a bit on the small side and I've been called "pretty" before. At the same time I'm not a bitch and I do lift. No one's touching my sweet ass without losing some teeth or an eyeball or something.

Truthfully, my biggest issue with being locked up would probably be the boredom/lack of freedom. I'm moody and my mind state is easily affected by weather/surroundings. 23 hours of being surrounded by concrete walls every day for 365 days would wreck my spirit.

Still, $1M tax free after all's said and done would be a huge boost. I could buy a house and my retirement fund would essentially be taken care of. I could also go back to school and get a more useful degree while not having to work and focusing more on internships and networking.

[BucEyedPea]

Will I have internet access? If so cool. I can post here all day!

But due to bodily risk $2 million.

[KurtCobain]

It would have to be life changing money so I went with $2M+ and even then I'd have a lot of reservations about doing it.

You would do well in prison.

[Bugeater]

You would do well in prison.
Oh hell, I'm going to get raped. I'm out.

[cosmo20002]

Is there potential for a lot of rape? Because if so, it might not be so bad.

/livesteam

[Kman34]

The money would have to be up front for me to do it...2 Million, 1 Million before I go in for my family then 1 mill when I get out...

[Rain Man]

I'd do it for $1,000,000.

I'm working a dead end job with no future currently anyway. I'm good friends with the owner/GM so I could probably just put on my resume that I was still working there for the past year while serving the time. Combine that with the fact that my record stays clean and I'd really be no worse for wear by doing a bid.

I don't have kids or a wife.

As far as doing the time, I could have some issues. I'm a bit on the small side and I've been called "pretty" before. At the same time I'm not a bitch and I do lift. No one's touching my sweet ass without losing some teeth or an eyeball or something.

Truthfully, my biggest issue with being locked up would probably be the boredom/lack of freedom. I'm moody and my mind state is easily affected by weather/surroundings. 23 hours of being surrounded by concrete walls every day for 365 days would wreck my spirit.

Still, $1M tax free after all's said and done would be a huge boost. I could buy a house and my retirement fund would essentially be taken care of. I could also go back to school and get a more useful degree while not having to work and focusing more on internships and networking.

You seem like a good candidate for this type of thing. I'll put you in my file.

I would defer to KurtCobain on this one, but I suspect that the violence may be oversold. I've heard that if a guy my age goes in, he gets pretty much left alone. It's only the young pretty ones like ThaVirus who are at risk of that. So I would agree that the locked-up part might be the most grinding problem. I like to travel, and I like to eat at restaurants, and I like to run long distances, and I like to hang out with my wife in our house, and all four would probably be severely curtailed in prison.

[Rain Man]

Will I have internet access? If so cool. I can post here all day!

But due to bodily risk $2 million.


A women's prison? I don't think you face much bodily risk, though I hear that other prisoners may make a lot of cutting statements behind one's back.

Now, you might have to get married at some point, but I don't think that lesbian prison weddings are legally binding.

[DJ's left nut]

What would prevent me from sub-contracting?

Why couldn't I take this fellow's $500K and then pay $50K to a homeless loon to stand in on my behalf? This is America; economic efficiency rules the day.

If there are by-laws prevent the sale of a sale of a prison sentence, then it would depend on my continued job status. As a partner, it would be difficult but not impossible to excise my ass. If that were the case, this could go penny wise and pound foolish in a hurry.

If I'm guaranteed renewed employment at my present position/salary, I'd do it for $500K. It would give me more than enough for a large payment on any home I'd ever want to buy and my renewed income stream upon exit would supplement it nicely.

If I'm getting fired, however, it's gonna take more than $2 million. I don't want to start over this saturated damn job market. I know what we can get the newbies for these days...not interested in that slog. I'd need 'invest, retire and live off the interest' money. $3 million gets me enough to pretty well lock in about $100K/yr and enough buffer to ride out a market crash if I'm diversified. That works for me.

[Rain Man]

What would prevent me from sub-contracting?

Why couldn't I take this fellow's $500K and then pay $50K to a homeless loon to stand in on my behalf? This is America; economic efficiency rules the day.




For the sake of this discussion, let's assume that subcontracting isn't allowed, though from an economic efficiency standpoint it's a good idea. But then again, in that scenario you wouldn't get many gigs because eventually someone would start a temp agency of homeless people willing to do it for $10,000.

The substitution law in the Civil War had a somewhat similar problem. People would get paid to be a substitute and then they would desert. They would then be a substitute for someone else in a different unit and show up there, and then desert again. In the pre-computer age it was hard to track these people.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

So you get on the inside and a guard doesn't like you. He sets you up to be shanked by a gang member. You either A. Die, or B. Defend yourself and kill the guy. Now the gang is after you and you're going up on murder charges. That's a realistic Outlook. How much would it cost now?

Give me the same country club prison these white collar fucks go to and I'll think about something in the 7-8 figure range. Otherwise, forget it!

[mikeyis4dcats.]

I'd do it for $500k. Because I'm confident I'd be realeasy after about 90 days.

[Rain Man]

In these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women? OK I'll do it.

I think you still have to provide the women. I don't think the prison provides them.

[TLO]

I'll do it for $5,743,654.01 and not a penny less.

[TLO]

Are there weights provided during the outside time?

[KurtCobain]

Are there weights provided during the outside time?

Missouri camps have really nice gyms, and lots of outdoor equipment.

[BucEyedPea]

A women's prison? I don't think you face much bodily risk, though I hear that other prisoners may make a lot of cutting statements behind one's back.

Now, you might have to get married at some point, but I don't think that lesbian prison weddings are legally binding.

Sounds like a decent deal. Think of all that reading, graphics and artwork I could do for myself. I'd so it for $2 million. Then start a business mass producing some of my work when I got out. Plus no bills for the year while in. Oh well maybe for art materials.

[BucEyedPea]

The gym is another perk. Nice. I like it. When does the real offer materialize Rain Main. You doing this survey/poll for a client?

[Rain Man]

Sounds like a decent deal. Think of all that reading, graphics and artwork I could do for myself. I'd so it for $2 million. Then start a business mass producing some of my work when I got out. Plus no bills for the year while in. Oh well maybe for art materials.

That's something I've never been clear on. If I go to prison, can I have note pads and writing implements to write a book? Can I bring books to read? Or do I have to stare at walls and give myself homemade tattoos all day? I'm not sure what's allowed.