The poop thread to end all poop threads

[DenverChief]

So I went and had a nice pre-NYE festivities meal with the hubby at Blackeyed Pea and had a delicious Chicken Fried Steak. Of course I ate myself to almost the bursting point because the food is delicious and the portions are ridiculous. I should mention at this point that the restaurant is about a 25 min drive from the house. About 10 minutes into the ride home, my stomach flips and I feel an intense pressure in my lower abdomen the likes haven't felt in years. I not so subtly tell my SO that he needs to step on it to get us home ASAP. I'm sure he could tell by the look on my face that it was urgent.

With each passing minute the pressure gets worse and I begin to sweat, beads running down my forehead. I decide to try and ease the pressure with a little push and hopefully only a fart - and yes I am fortunate - but the stench I release is akin to 1000 corpses rotting in a hot August sun. My SO looks at me like I had just murdered the queen and rolls down all four windows in 13 degree weather. I manage to temper the storm brewing in my stomach with little farts that continued to reek like death from my bowels.

Fast forward to pulling up to the house - belt: undone, Pants: unzipped, holding them up with one hand and "running" to the toilet - alas I sit down and fire that demon torpedo off into the toilet and breath a sigh of relief - I feel like I have just given birth to a child - huffing and panting - I finish my business.

I stand up, flush the toilet and look back at the ****er that caused me so much grief and to my disbelief the ****er is stuck to the back of the bowl. Water swirling around it. I'm a little perplexed, I flush twice more, nothing. Holding on for dear life....I don't know what to do.....Any advice? Antifreeze at the ready....

[C3HIEF3S]

Just use your hand.

[Dayze]

A beautiful description of a poop episode.
LMAO
".....like I had just murdered the Queen"

[DenverChief]

Just use your hand.

Eh, I guess I could use my left, because I eat with my right.

[DenverChief]

A beautiful description of a poop episode.
LMAO
".....like I had just murdered the Queen"

*takes a bow*

I will let you know if any more hell demons cling to the bowl - hopefully if it does happen it's at someone elses house

[DenverChief]

wow - www.ratemypoo.com has already rated my hell turd a "10"

[Baby Lee]

The sad thing is, I'm guessing makeup/amends sex was off the table for a while.

[2112]

You need to start eating yogurt. That's some pretty dense fecal matter.

[007]

So there is no sink to wash your hands after you grab some toilet paper to move it?

[DenverChief]

The sad thing is, I'm guessing makeup/amends sex was off the table for a while.

LMAO. indeed it is.

[DenverChief]

You need to start eating yogurt. That's some pretty dense fecal matter.

Yogurt eh? I typically eat drink a probiotic on a daily.

[DenverChief]

So there is no sink to wash your hands after you grab some toilet paper to move it?

I. Just. Can't.

[listopencil]

Get a bunch of these and spray it in there until the poop is covered. Maybe it will slide down into the water:

http://c1.q-assets.com/images/products/p/cxc/cxc-007b_1z.jpg

[listopencil]

Idea #2: Hire a trained poop monkey to grab it out of there for you. You'll have to wait. The poop monkey store is probably closed on New Year's Day.

[listopencil]

Idea #3: Shut the water off and remove the toilet. Dispose of the entire toilet in the dumpster behind Dunkin' Donuts. Buy a new toilet from Home Depot and install it.

[DenverChief]

Idea #3: Shut the water off and remove the toilet. Dispose of the entire toilet in the dumpster behind Dunkin' Donuts. Buy a new toilet from Home Depot and install it.

LMAO. I like this idea. But I have to ask why Dunkin Donuts and
Not say Winchells?

[listopencil]

LMAO. I like this idea. But I have to ask why Dunkin Donuts and
Not say Winchells?

Dunkin Donuts has better coffee.

[2112]

Yogurt eh? I typically eat drink a probiotic on a daily.

Then eat more fruit lol I have 5 star bowel movements when I don't eat like shit and do the probiotic with fruit. Minimal wiping, long log that gets easily pruned off. I can imagine that turd you blew out took a lot of wiping? A tarry shit is nasty. I get that if I drink a lot of Guinness or Newcastle the next day.

[listopencil]

Then eat more fruit lol I have 5 star bowel movements when I don't eat like shit and do the probiotic with fruit. Minimal wiping, long log that gets easily pruned off. I can imagine that turd you blew out took a lot of wiping? A tarry shit is nasty. I get that if I drink a lot of Guinness or Newcastle the next day.

Isn't a tarry shit from undigested fats?

[2112]

Isn't a tarry shit from undigested fats?

No idea, but if I drink porters or stouts the end result is a tarry shit the next day. Pilsner or ale normal shit the next day.

[listopencil]

No idea, but if I drink porters or stouts the end result is a tarry shit the next day. Pilsner or ale normal shit the next day.

I have a female friend that gets the shits from red wine, apparently. Good thing I slept with her when she was still drunk rather then giving her time to sober up. That would have been messy.

[007]

I. Just. Can't.

PUSSY

[DenverChief]

PUSSY

I can handle blood, guts and brains but when it comes to poo I turn into a little girl. :shrug:

[Bewbies]

You blew up a solid? I'm impressed, when my stomach flips I know it's pee coming out. LMAO

[007]

I can handle blood, guts and brains but when it comes to poo I turn into a little girl. :shrug:

and you call yourself an Officer of the Law? You have never had to arrest someone covered in their own feces before? LMAO

[DenverChief]

and you call yourself an Officer of the Law? You have never had to arrest someone covered in their own feces before? LMAO

Nope, and if they were I would find a reason to turn it into a medical call :eek:

[DenverChief]

You blew up a solid? I'm impressed, when my stomach flips I know it's pee coming out. LMAO

LMAO Indeed - I'm surprised to force didn't crack the porcelain

[DenverChief]

and you call yourself an Officer of the Law? You have never had to arrest someone covered in their own feces before? LMAO

And the other thing I'm dreading - now that I'm an EMT - is a preggo lady in labor - icccckkkky!

[Bewbies]

LMAO Indeed - I'm surprised to force didn't crack the porcelain

LMAO

Sometimes one wishes there were handlebars on the side of toilets so you don't hit your head on the ceiling.

[007]

Nope, and if they were I would find a reason to turn it into a medical call :eek:

ROFL

[Baby Lee]

And the other thing I'm dreading - now that I'm an EMT - is a preggo lady in labor - icccckkkky!

http://www.couponpromos.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/arbys-coupons-18.bmp

[DenverChief]

http://www.couponpromos.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/arbys-coupons-18.bmp

:Lin:

[007]

Guess we are ringing in the New Year right. ROFL

[listopencil]

I have heard of cowboys using cow patties for camp fires. If you leave it there to dry maybe you could use it later as a fuel source.

[DenverChief]

Happy New year!!

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CW80Cw0WEAE9Fji.jpg

[DenverChief]

I have heard of cowboys using cow patties for camp fires. If you leave it there to dry maybe you could use it later as a fuel source.

LMAO - I'll keep that in mind - I'm gonna go find a squirt bottle full of some kind of liquid to hit it with - maybe some charcoal lighter fluid....

[Baby Lee]

LMAO - I'll keep that in mind - I'm gonna go find a squirt bottle full of some kind of liquid to hit it with - maybe some charcoal lighter fluid....

Toilet Hibachi, the new foodie craze!!

https://melissamorrow.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/rafitoilet.jpg

[listopencil]

Toilet Hibachi, the new foodie craze!!

I do love a good fondue.

[DenverChief]

OMG. So none of that worked. I used the toilet scrubber thingy to push it down below the water line and flushed thrice. Still wouldn't budge!! Last resort I used the plunger to push it into the opening at the bottom and now it's gone. WTF was living in my gut?

[007]

OMG. So none of that worked. I used the toilet scrubber thingy to push it down below the water line and flushed thrice. Still wouldn't budge!! Last resort I used the plunger to push it into the opening at the bottom and now it's gone. WTF was living in my gut?

You could have just used a cheap yard stick and broke it up into small pieces.

[stonedstooge]

You could have just used a cheap yard stick and broke it up into small pieces.

I use a bamboo tomato stake. Effectively splits and separates and you can easily cut the end off and use again, over and over.

[rad]

You might wanna check that thing for a pulse.

[Fish]

http://i.imgur.com/XujHL.gif?noredirect

[ptlyon]

Bet he's not going in there for awhile DC!

[Potato]

Whenever I get a stubborn one like that I usually just get one of my big kettles and pour some boiling water on it then let simmer for a few and flush it away.. i'd say 90% of the time a full day sitting in the water with the lid down will break them up enough to flush though.

[Dartgod]

This poo smells like a Q.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=11989064

[DenverChief]

Bet he's not going in there for awhile DC!

LMAO. RIGHT?!

[DenverChief]

This poo smells like a Q.

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=11989064

Indeed. I posted my apologies in your thread. Maybe a mod can change the thread title to " the poop thread to end all poop threads part Duce" LMAO

[CanadianChiefs]

This thread is confusing me, unless I'm just clueless.

Do you guys not own a toilet plunger? I'm sure you must with all the sticky tar shits you take. Just use the side of the plunger to budge the poo, then once said poo is dislodged flush the toilet and spin the plunger around in the spinning water. Works every time.

[Saccopoo]

Mecca would know how to handle this situation...

http://www.housekeepersheaven.co.uk/ProdImages/HH3337.jpg

[DenverChief]

This thread is confusing me, unless I'm just clueless.

Do you guys not own a toilet plunger? I'm sure you must with all the sticky tar shits you take. Just use the side of the plunger to budge the poo, then once said poo is dislodged flush the toilet and spin the plunger around in the spinning water. Works every time.

I was afraid the sticky qualities of the aforementioned poo would transfer to said plunger and then I'd be stuck with a poo on a plunger.

And FTR I have never in my life experienced a sticky tarry poo. All my pops are either floaters or sinkers that flush in a snap. I have never experienced this kind of clinger before.

[TimBone]

Happy New year!!

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CW80Cw0WEAE9Fji.jpg
You motherfucker.

[Saccopoo]

Wait...the OP said that they went to Black Eyed Pea and said the food was delicious.

I smell bullshit.

[DenverChief]

Wait...the OP said that they went to Black Eyed Pea and said the food was delicious.

I smell bullshit.

LMAO

[Fat Elvis]

I'm confused, are you female or gay?

You really don't have to answer if you don't want; I just always pictured you as some quasi drunk fat guy with as much as you talk about your poop. (I suppose you could be a gay quasi drunk fat guy; I have a friend who is a gay quasi drunk fat guy that is an auto mechanic and listens to Rush Limbaugh, but I just thought he was weird, unique...) The husband comment caught me off guard; doesn't change anything, really. You're still just a poop guy/girl when you get down to it who happens to like the Chiefs.

[DaNewGuy]

I had this problem when Taco Bell brought back the $1 crunch wraps

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Yobogoya?

[Pasta Little Brioni]

You ever take a good shower poop Denver Chief? I prefer the cup a poodle extraction method.

[DenverChief]

I'm confused, are you female or gay?

You really don't have to answer if you don't want; I just always pictured you as some quasi drunk fat guy with as much as you talk about your poop. (I suppose you could be a gay quasi drunk fat guy; I have a friend who is a gay quasi drunk fat guy that is an auto mechanic and listens to Rush Limbaugh, but I just thought he was weird, unique...) The husband comment caught me off guard; doesn't change anything, really. You're still just a poop guy/girl when you get down to it who happens to like the Chiefs.

Well welcome to Chiefsplanet! You must be new!?!


I can bring up some old threads about big daddy having a giant hissy fit over my homo-erotic avatars. Totes gay here. Idk about the fat and drunk part. Us homersexuals tend to be a little obsessive over our body image - we are fabulous drinkers though - I just don't partake that much anymore. I prefer my six pack abs over a six pack of beer but whatevs.

[Saccopoo]

Well welcome to Chiefsplanet! You must be new!?!


I can bring up some old threads about big daddy having a giant hissy fit over my homo-erotic avatars. Totes gay here. Idk about the fat and drunk part. Us homersexuals tend to be a little obsessive over our body image - we are fabulous drinkers though - I just don't partake that much anymore. I prefer my six pack abs over a six pack of beer but whatevs.

http://img.pandawhale.com/post-27758-I-approve-this-message-gif-Xti-QMeL.gif

[Abba-Dabba]

Happy Poo Year!

[Pasta Little Brioni]

You ever take a good shower poop Denver Chief? I prefer the cup a poodle extraction method.

???

[DenverChief]

You ever take a good shower poop Denver Chief? I prefer the cup a poodle extraction method.


Eeew no. And wtf is that.

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Cup your hands, pinch it out, and give the poo a gentle toss into the toilet

[DenverChief]

Cup your hands, pinch it out, and give the poo a gentle toss into the toilet

LMAO :Lin: I can't touch it with a brush on the end of a stick without gagging and dancing around like a little girl. WTF makes you think I'd crap in my hand?

[TinyEvel]

Tell me about your toilet paper folks. Do you insist on a specific brand? Or do you use whatever the wife buys.

Do you believe all TPs are the same, and whatever is the cheapest will do? OR do you disagree because then you have to bunch several layers together to wipe out all the Kilngons around Uranus and so it ends up costing more.

ME: i insist on Charmin Ultrasoft. I will spend the extra money because I wipe hard. I really go after it like a cattle farmer scraping mud off his boots walking in the house at the end of a rainy day. BUT Charmin destroys the forests of Canada. Conflict! Looking for suitable alternatives. what's your TP game?

[Pasta Little Brioni]

You ever take a good shower poop Denver Chief? I prefer the cup a poodle extraction method.

Tiny?

[LiveSteam]

My Pops went from a Sears catalog to toilet paper in 1938.
My mom once had over 700 rolls of TP back in 1999.
Y2K was gonna turn the world inside out and upside down and my mom was gonna get rich selling TP once the store shelves were empty.
700 plus rolls took dam near a decade to use up.
True story

[MahiMike]

I call this Tuesday. Specifically Taco Tuesday.

[LiveSteam]

Anyone have a use for some 20 year old
Canned beef stew
20 boxes of powdered milk
20 or so boxes of pancake mix
Four 50 lb bags of rice
50 lbs of white beans
Boxes of every type of noodle known to man
Dozen cans or so of SPAM.. Cant have my can of SPAM from Vietnam..

[LiveSteam]

Anyone have a use for some 20 year old
Canned beef stew
20 boxes of powdered milk
20 or so boxes of pancake mix
Four 50 lb bags of rice
50 lbs of white beans
Boxes of every type of noodle known to man
Dozen cans or so of SPAM.. Cant have my can of SPAM from Vietnam..

Im sure it will make the beat shit you've ever shit in your life.

[Rasputin]

<img src="https://media1.tenor.com/images/2b66ae117337f67f5236be26c166e044/tenor.gif?itemid=10847439" alt="Image result for plunger gif"/>

[big nasty kcnut]

I been eating peppermint and drinking ginger ale and my poops trip been few and far between.

[Bump]

Just use your hand.

"be a man, wipe your ass with your hand'

[Buehler445]

I think we use Charmin Ultrasoft. I use what the wife buys, but she doesn't fuck around with Angel Soft or whatever other sandpaper varieties are out there.

[Fish]

Aldi's Willow Soft and Strong.

[T-post Tom]

Next time you get a clinger like that: Just play "She Thinks My Patrick's Sexy" by Arrowheadguys and it will fling itself down your pipes at light speed. Not even human feces can endure that audio carnage.

[listopencil]

"be a man, wipe your ass with your hand'




https://i.imgur.com/REXpITz.jpg

[scho63]

I'm starting to smell this thread through my computer screen....:eek:

[BlackHelicopters]

Mix in a salad.

[FlaChief58]

You could have just used a cheap yard stick and broke it up into small pieces.

When I was still working and had a customer with the same issue, I recommended the paint stirrers you get in the paint department. They're disposable and cheap

[FlaChief58]

LMAO :Lin: I can't touch it with a brush on the end of a stick without gagging and dancing around like a little girl. WTF makes you think I'd crap in my hand?

Wait a second... You'll put your penis in another man's poop tunnel (nttawwt), but dealing with your own loaf grosses you out? Strange

[SuperBowl4]

Buy a pressure washer and put it next to your plunger.

[Mecca]

Wait a second... You'll put your penis in another man's poop tunnel (nttawwt), but dealing with your own loaf grosses you out? Strange

I mean if you have anal sex with a man or a woman should poop really gross you out?

[tatorhog]

Wait a second... You'll put your penis in another man's poop tunnel (nttawwt), but dealing with your own loaf grosses you out? Strange

valid point

[frozenchief]

Was it 26 feet long?

https://unrealfacts.com/longest-human-poop-ever-recorded-amazing-26-feet/

[DJ's left nut]

Thread title is false.

There have been many subsequent poop threads.