jjchieffan
09-08-2016, 10:14 AM
Deadspin's Why your Team Sucks, The 2016 Denver Broncos. What better article for a Donks thread, right? The old one is 2 years old and surely bogging down the server with it's nearly 8000 posts.
Why Your Team Sucks 2016: Denver Broncos
Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews here. And buy Drew’s new book here.
Your team: Denver Broncos.
Your 2015 record: 12-4, Super Bowl Champions. History will be kind to this team because the defense was sensational, and because they got Peyton Manning a second ring and sent him into retirement on a cloud of Jim Nantz’s cedar-scented farts. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that HISTORY LIES. This was one of the worst championship teams of my lifetime. Like the 2000 Ravens or the 2002 Bucs, the 2015 Broncos are gonna end up being one of those rare exceptions to the rule that you need great quarterbacking to win a Super Bowl. I need another, better Super Bowl champ to come along this winter to help wash the taste out of my mouth. Or I need to watch this again…
They shouldn’t have even awarded the Lombardi Trophy last season. When no team is good enough to seize the ring, they should just vacate the Super Bowl and give the ring to me for safekeeping. That way, I don’t have to pretend that it’s heartwarming to see Manning and his twelve-head limp his way to the title, after a long career of wiping his ass on trainers’ faces and using Seamless to have HGH delivered to his doorstep. And I won’t have to watch him ruin what ought to be a touching and genuine sports moment with subliminal mentions of shitty beer and even shittier pizza.
Your coach: Gary Kubiak. Again, we’re gonna get farther away from last season and everyone is gonna be like, “THAT guy won a title?” It’ll be just like Mike McCarthy’s title: inexplicable, unjustified, and somewhat irritating. Kubiak still can’t manage the clock. He sits on leads like a mother hen. It’s painful to watch this man coach. Gary Kubiak is the Ditka to Wade Phillips’s Buddy Ryan. His hair looks like it was drawn by an animator cooking up a new enemy for Voltron.
Your quarterback: Quarterback? What quarterback? You don’t have a quarterback. All I see on this roster are old sandwich crusts and pickle jar lids. Hard to believe there’s a step down from Manning posting a 9:17 TD-to-INT ratio in 2015, but the Broncos have managed to find it. MANY steps down, in fact!
John Elway puffed his horsey cheeks and chased Brock Osweiler out of town when the young QB dared to ask for a few extra million and a guaranteed starting job. We’re thisssss close to Elway saying the words “The Bronco Way” out loud during a press conference, and then everything will be awful.
As a result of Osweiler’s departure, there’s nothing here. Your current starter is future trivia question answer Trevor Siemian. Behind him is rookie quarterback and terrible omen for the future of American baby names Paxton Lynch (STOP NAMING CHILDREN AFTER ACTION MOVIE CHARACTERS THAT EXIST ONLY IN YOUR IMAGINATION). And then there was Mark Sanchez. Keep in mind that the Broncos actually traded for Buttfumble, only to immediately regret it, as one does. Sanchez is now in Dallas. Wait until he discovers the steakhouse titty bars there. Whole new world for him.
This offense will be miserable. You’re gonna have to pray for C.J. Anderson to break off a 20-yard run every fifth game if you want your dick to move. If you thought the Denver defense had to carry the bulk of the load last year, wait until September. There are single Catholic mothers who are less put-upon than this defense. Speaking of which…
What’s new that sucks: The defense! Yes, that swaggering, balls-big-enough-to-need-a-wheelbarrow unit that won a championship last year has suffered the traditional, post-Super Bowl free agent raid. Gone are studs Malik Jackson and Danny Trevathan. And Derek Wolfe has already done his best Von Miller impersonation and gotten suspended for four games. [Correction: That was last season, whatever.]
It gets worse. The O-line also lost Ryan Clady and Evan Mathis, and then Elway attempted to compensate by signing Russell Okung, whose negotiating skills make even Ricky Williams wince. If I were you guys, I would drink myself stupid all season long, bask in the championship afterglow, and pretend my offense isn’t doing a perfect aesthetic imitation of the 2001 Dallas Cowboys. At least Von got paid.
What has always sucked: Aqib Talib! Yes, Aqib Talib got shot this offseason. Who shot him? Where was he shot? Why do guns always go off at Talib family barbecues? I’m afraid that Talib is too shitfaced to answer ANY of those questions at the moment. I will say this, though: there’s no shortage of people who wouldn’t mind shooting Aqib Talib. Like Dwayne Allen!
And Corey Brown!
Honestly, it’s a wonder that this man isn’t shot more often. He’s the dirtiest player in football. This whole team is dirty. The entire front office drives like they’re auditioning for a role in a Bad Lieutenant reboot. Shiloh Keo drives even worse and then blames it on The Man. Ryan Murphy pulled a Eugene Robinson before the Super Bowl. Wolfe gets in nightclub fights like an asshole. This team is full of raging dickheads, which makes them PERFECT for this spoiled little fanbase. If there were truly a God, he never would have gifted these fans another title after they way they handled the post-Elway years. He would have fried them with lightning for heckling Jake Plummer and Jay Cutler out of town and embracing Tim goddamn Tebow instead.
These fans, and this town, will only get more entitled and whiny as the year winds on and the offense suffocates to death in a snowbank. Denver has quickly devolved from a relatively low-key, affordable city into the next American nightmare urban dystopia. In five years, it’ll be San Francisco. The real estate market is already completely out of control. Condos are almost as expensive as New York, without any of the charm or culture. You pay Upper East Side rent to live next to a ****ing Hard Rock Cafe. Wanna head to the mountains go skiing with your ski bros? Well then, that’s either a four-hour drive or $40 in luxury tolls. The whole area has been Aspen-ified into misery. And the Broncos, led by King Idiot Elway, are well on their way to being equally expensive and overrated. Suck balls, Denver. You’re not winning another title for a very, very, very long time. And when you do, you’ll have already been priced out of town, watching your team from Western Nebraska.
What might not suck: You won a title. You need no positive reinforcement from me. Take your championship and put it in your butt. I’m done here.
Why Your Team Sucks 2016: Denver Broncos
Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews here. And buy Drew’s new book here.
Your team: Denver Broncos.
Your 2015 record: 12-4, Super Bowl Champions. History will be kind to this team because the defense was sensational, and because they got Peyton Manning a second ring and sent him into retirement on a cloud of Jim Nantz’s cedar-scented farts. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that HISTORY LIES. This was one of the worst championship teams of my lifetime. Like the 2000 Ravens or the 2002 Bucs, the 2015 Broncos are gonna end up being one of those rare exceptions to the rule that you need great quarterbacking to win a Super Bowl. I need another, better Super Bowl champ to come along this winter to help wash the taste out of my mouth. Or I need to watch this again…
They shouldn’t have even awarded the Lombardi Trophy last season. When no team is good enough to seize the ring, they should just vacate the Super Bowl and give the ring to me for safekeeping. That way, I don’t have to pretend that it’s heartwarming to see Manning and his twelve-head limp his way to the title, after a long career of wiping his ass on trainers’ faces and using Seamless to have HGH delivered to his doorstep. And I won’t have to watch him ruin what ought to be a touching and genuine sports moment with subliminal mentions of shitty beer and even shittier pizza.
Your coach: Gary Kubiak. Again, we’re gonna get farther away from last season and everyone is gonna be like, “THAT guy won a title?” It’ll be just like Mike McCarthy’s title: inexplicable, unjustified, and somewhat irritating. Kubiak still can’t manage the clock. He sits on leads like a mother hen. It’s painful to watch this man coach. Gary Kubiak is the Ditka to Wade Phillips’s Buddy Ryan. His hair looks like it was drawn by an animator cooking up a new enemy for Voltron.
Your quarterback: Quarterback? What quarterback? You don’t have a quarterback. All I see on this roster are old sandwich crusts and pickle jar lids. Hard to believe there’s a step down from Manning posting a 9:17 TD-to-INT ratio in 2015, but the Broncos have managed to find it. MANY steps down, in fact!
John Elway puffed his horsey cheeks and chased Brock Osweiler out of town when the young QB dared to ask for a few extra million and a guaranteed starting job. We’re thisssss close to Elway saying the words “The Bronco Way” out loud during a press conference, and then everything will be awful.
As a result of Osweiler’s departure, there’s nothing here. Your current starter is future trivia question answer Trevor Siemian. Behind him is rookie quarterback and terrible omen for the future of American baby names Paxton Lynch (STOP NAMING CHILDREN AFTER ACTION MOVIE CHARACTERS THAT EXIST ONLY IN YOUR IMAGINATION). And then there was Mark Sanchez. Keep in mind that the Broncos actually traded for Buttfumble, only to immediately regret it, as one does. Sanchez is now in Dallas. Wait until he discovers the steakhouse titty bars there. Whole new world for him.
This offense will be miserable. You’re gonna have to pray for C.J. Anderson to break off a 20-yard run every fifth game if you want your dick to move. If you thought the Denver defense had to carry the bulk of the load last year, wait until September. There are single Catholic mothers who are less put-upon than this defense. Speaking of which…
What’s new that sucks: The defense! Yes, that swaggering, balls-big-enough-to-need-a-wheelbarrow unit that won a championship last year has suffered the traditional, post-Super Bowl free agent raid. Gone are studs Malik Jackson and Danny Trevathan. And Derek Wolfe has already done his best Von Miller impersonation and gotten suspended for four games. [Correction: That was last season, whatever.]
It gets worse. The O-line also lost Ryan Clady and Evan Mathis, and then Elway attempted to compensate by signing Russell Okung, whose negotiating skills make even Ricky Williams wince. If I were you guys, I would drink myself stupid all season long, bask in the championship afterglow, and pretend my offense isn’t doing a perfect aesthetic imitation of the 2001 Dallas Cowboys. At least Von got paid.
What has always sucked: Aqib Talib! Yes, Aqib Talib got shot this offseason. Who shot him? Where was he shot? Why do guns always go off at Talib family barbecues? I’m afraid that Talib is too shitfaced to answer ANY of those questions at the moment. I will say this, though: there’s no shortage of people who wouldn’t mind shooting Aqib Talib. Like Dwayne Allen!
And Corey Brown!
Honestly, it’s a wonder that this man isn’t shot more often. He’s the dirtiest player in football. This whole team is dirty. The entire front office drives like they’re auditioning for a role in a Bad Lieutenant reboot. Shiloh Keo drives even worse and then blames it on The Man. Ryan Murphy pulled a Eugene Robinson before the Super Bowl. Wolfe gets in nightclub fights like an asshole. This team is full of raging dickheads, which makes them PERFECT for this spoiled little fanbase. If there were truly a God, he never would have gifted these fans another title after they way they handled the post-Elway years. He would have fried them with lightning for heckling Jake Plummer and Jay Cutler out of town and embracing Tim goddamn Tebow instead.
These fans, and this town, will only get more entitled and whiny as the year winds on and the offense suffocates to death in a snowbank. Denver has quickly devolved from a relatively low-key, affordable city into the next American nightmare urban dystopia. In five years, it’ll be San Francisco. The real estate market is already completely out of control. Condos are almost as expensive as New York, without any of the charm or culture. You pay Upper East Side rent to live next to a ****ing Hard Rock Cafe. Wanna head to the mountains go skiing with your ski bros? Well then, that’s either a four-hour drive or $40 in luxury tolls. The whole area has been Aspen-ified into misery. And the Broncos, led by King Idiot Elway, are well on their way to being equally expensive and overrated. Suck balls, Denver. You’re not winning another title for a very, very, very long time. And when you do, you’ll have already been priced out of town, watching your team from Western Nebraska.
What might not suck: You won a title. You need no positive reinforcement from me. Take your championship and put it in your butt. I’m done here.