****OFFICIAL DAD JOKES THREAD****

[In58men]

How does the moon give the sun a haircut?


Eclipse it.

[Coochie liquor]

. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."

[TambaBerry]

What Happened to the frog that illegally parked? He got toad

[Rasputin]

"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.'"




"Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks."

[Rasputin]

. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."

Fuck

[Pablo]

What do you call a masturbating bull?

Beef stroganoff.

[otherstar]

What do you call a midget psychic that has escaped from prison? A small medium at large

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey

I got a book on improving my memory, for the life of me I can't remember where I put it.

Hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school every year never to be heard from again.

I have an epileptic midget friend who makes pizzas for a living. I call him "little seizures."

[Coochie liquor]

How can you tell Ronald McDonald out of a lineup of naked men?

He's the one with the sesame seed buns!

All good KCTattoo, I feel we are somehow connected!!

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

Your job will still suck after 5 years.

[Rasputin]

How can you tell Ronald McDonald out of a lineup of naked men?

He's the one with the sesame seed buns!

All good KCTattoo, I feel we are somehow connected!!

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

Your job will still suck after 5 years.



I know it's funny what was odds of same joke? LMAO


Great minds think alike ;)

[Baby Lee]

Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
- it's two tired.


What's the best time to go to the dentist?
- 2:30

[The Franchise]

Why couldn't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.

[Rasputin]

Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
- it's two tired.


What's the best time to go to the dentist?
- 2:30

Oh you fucked that up it's ~ tooth-thirty

or

"What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."

[lewdog]

Why did the arsonist go to the gym?


:To feel the burn.

[Baby Lee]

Oh you fucked that up it's ~ tooth-thirty

or

"What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."

I prefer what I wrote. That's why I wrote it.

[RealSNR]

What did the carrot say to the orange?

"FUCK YOU!"

[Why Not?]

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

"Dam"

[Simply Red]

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[Simply Red]

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[The Franchise]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

[Nickhead]

what do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

full :D

[kjwood75nro]

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4, it'd be called a chicken sedan.

[Nickhead]

your mom's so fat, she has to open a window to wipe :D

[frozenchief]

Why the old lady fall into the well? She didn't see that well.

What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift.

What's brown and sticky? A stick

[Nickhead]

what was hitlers favorite breakfast juice? :D

[eDave]

what was hitlers favorite breakfast juice? :D

100% concentrated orange Jews.

Anne Frankly it's funny as heil. I give it Nein out of Nein.

[stumppy]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I'm not sure but it was probably because your mom is a lying whore! See you in a month.

[Nickhead]

100% concentrated orange Jews.

Anne Frankly it's funny as heil. I give it Nein out of Nein.

twat did you say, i cunt here you, or maybe i should just finger it out myself. :D

i see said the blind man, as he grabbed his hammer and saw. :D

[Nickhead]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I'm not sure but it was probably because your mom is a lying whore! See you in a month.

to prove to the opossum it can be done. :D

[Baby Lee]

Farmer calls his [talking] dog to gather his flock.
Dog runs out, does his business, reports back.
'There you go, 40 sheep all in the pen.'
Farmer says 'but I only sent 36 sheep out to pasture this morning.'


'Yeah, I rounded them up.'

[lewdog]

When the teacher asked to arsonist to describe The theory of relativity, the arsonist replied, "That's the burning question."

[otherstar]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

[In58men]

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a Deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.


What do you call a deer with no eyes and legs?

Still no eye deer


What do you call virgin deer with no eyes and legs?

Still no fucking eye deer.

[big nasty kcnut]

A guy walked into a bar he said ow!

[Rasputin]

your mom's so fat, she has to open a window to wipe :D

Your mom is so fat when she goes to the beach she is the only one to get a tan.

[baitism]

A bear walks into the bar and says, "I'll have a gin and..........tonic."

The bartender says, "Why the long pause."

The bear hold up arms and says, "I don't know, I've always had them."

[big nasty kcnut]

A priest a rabbi and a duck walked into a bar the bartender say what is this some kind of joke?

[otherstar]

Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove

Statistically speaking, people who celebrate their birthday every year live the longest

Why did the smartphone need glasses? Because he lost all of his contacts

[Rasputin]

I marked the spot

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish.

One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend,

"Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

[Nickhead]

what do you call a one legged woman?

eileen

what do you call a one legged chinese woman?

ireen

:D

[Baby Lee]

I marked the spot

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish.

One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend,

"Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

Reminds me of when we were building our new church building when I was a teenager.

One of the congregants was a professional painter and had an assistant [general laborer] come help him paint one of the days.

They were carrying the air compressor up the steps to spray paint the sanctuary, and the helper was heaving and groaning.

They get it to the top of the steps, and the guy looks at the compressor and looks at the painter, looks at the painter, and looks at the compressor. Sweating and shaking his head.

Then, . . . this gem.



'Well, no fucking wonder Bob. . . . you got 150 pounds of AIR in this fucking thing!!'

[KS Smitty]

2 birds were sitting on a perch. One turned to the other and said, "Do you smell fish?"