Gladiator 2018 - Round 5, Match 1 - wazu versus kysirsoze

[Rain Man]

We're in the final four now. One of these guys will end up in the championship.

Vote for the person that you think would win this match in a battle to death or submission. As background, assume that prior to the tournament you received 10 minutes of training on every weapon. The time listed is the amount of time before the match where you learn what the weaponry and venue is. All participants are handed their weapons at t=0 unless stated otherwise.

Venue - Across the road from each other on a moderately busy two-lane state highway.
Starting Distance - 41 feet

wazu

Main Weapon - No weapons
Backup Weapon - None

Prep Time - 12 Minutes
Special Factors - On your command and at any time, a herd of wild ostriches will be released and will run across your immediate combat area

kysirsoze

Main Weapon - No weapons
Backup Weapon - Hedge Clippers

Prep Time - 5 Minutes
Special Factors - You and former NFL kicker Nate Kaeding have to fight former NFL kickers Martin Gramatica, Jason Elam and Sebastian Janikowski, along with sideline reporter Suzy Kolber for three minutes immediately before your match. You are given access to your weapon at time t= -3 minutes.

[Chiefs4TheWin]

It is Wazus duty to release the ostriches upon the gaggle of kickers and Suzy.

[kysirsoze]

Well I'm the only one with a weapon, sooooo...

[MagicHef]

"You are given access to your weapon at time t= -3 minutes."

I notice that weapon is singular. Does this only apply to his main weapon? Does he have the hedge clippers during the kicker fight?

[InvinciBill]

YES!!!!

[Sofa King]

I’m taking drunken Janikowski all day long, you know fucker knows his way around a fight. I say we move Janikowski on to the next round.

[kysirsoze]

I’m taking drunken Janikowski all day long, you know fucker knows his way around a fight. I say we move Janikowski on to the next round.

It's a fight, not a death match. I'll take a few shots and be a little worse for wear, and then it's just Wazu, me, and hedge clippers. I've already murdered one contestant in this tournament with those things.

[threebag]

Hedge Clippers up the Wazu

[Sofa King]

It's a fight, not a death match. I'll take a few shots and be a little worse for wear, and then it's just Wazu, me, and hedge clippers. I've already murdered one contestant in this tournament with those things.

Janikowski is kicking your head off your body. Fact.

[wazu]

Three minutes of a 4v2 fight is going to be a full-on beat down. Kysir won’t even be conscious after that. If he isn’t already dead, it’s okay. I have the magical ability to summon a stampede of 300 pound birds that will easily trample him to death.

One thing is for sure - Kysir’s demise will be equal parts tragic and hilarious.

[Rain Man]

"You are given access to your weapon at time t= -3 minutes."

I notice that weapon is singular. Does this only apply to his main weapon? Does he have the hedge clippers during the kicker fight?

Good point. The clarification is that all weapons are available.

Also, Janikowski does not have any roofies.

[wazu]

Also, Janikowski does not have any roofies.

That’s good for me. As I recall he liked to take them himself. He’ll be all pissed off without his usual roofie buzz.

[kysirsoze]

Good point. The clarification is that all weapons are available.

Also, Janikowski does not have any roofies.

Wait, I have my clippers for the fight? I missed that. I can easily hold off these guys for three minutes. I will barely be winded when the real match starts.

[kysirsoze]

I have the magical ability to summon a stampede of 300 pound birds that will easily trample him to death.


You do NOT have control over these things. They will trample you as easily as me. In fact easier since, ONE AGAIN, you don't have any weapon with which to defend yourself. You're screwed, man. It's just a bad draw. No weapon at all is brutal.

[Dartgod]

How in the hell is wazu leading this thing?

HE HAS NO WEAPONS!

[kysirsoze]

How in the hell is wazu leading this thing?

HE HAS NO WEAPONS!

Guys, this. Really?

[wazu]

How in the hell is wazu leading this thing?

HE HAS NO WEAPONS!

Read post #10.

[MagicHef]

How in the hell is wazu leading this thing?

HE HAS NO WEAPONS!

https://cdn-s3.si.com/s3fs-public/2016/07/05/nate-karding-cbs.jpg

[wazu]

You do NOT have control over these things. They will trample you as easily as me. In fact easier since, ONE AGAIN, you don't have any weapon with which to defend yourself. You're screwed, man. It's just a bad draw. No weapon at all is brutal.

Hedge clippers aren’t going to defend you from a stampede of rampaging beasts. Sounds like best case you can make is we both die. But I’m not the one lying unconscious after getting beaten half to death (or all the way to death) by Sebastian Janikowski and Suzy Kolber. I’m much more likely to have the wherewithal to avoid being trampled.

[kysirsoze]

Hedge clippers aren’t going to defend you from a stampede of rampaging beasts. Sounds like best case you can make is we both die. But I’m not the one lying unconscious after getting beaten half to death (or all the way to death) by Sebastian Janikowski and Suzy Kolber. I’m much more likely to have the wherewithal to avoid being trampled.

That is insane. Three minutes of holding off kickers while armed and with help. I'm a little winded at worst. Decent chance we both die here, but since that isn't a possible outcome, then chances are we meet up. Once that happens, I kill you easily.

[kysirsoze]

How in the hell is wazu leading this thing?

HE HAS NO WEAPONS!

More I think about it, I think I'm getting screwed by a confusing scenario. I think most people think I won't be armed for the kicker fight or worse, not armed for the first 3 minutes of the actual fight.

[Rain Man]

More I think about it, I think I'm getting screwed by a confusing scenario. I think most people think I won't be armed for the kicker fight or worse, not armed for the first 3 minutes of the actual fight.

Hey, hey, HEY! There's nothing confusing about the scenario. A few kickers, a sideline reporter, some ostriches, and hedge clippers. It's straightforward.

[wazu]

You’re losing because you’re getting your ass kicked before the fight even starts. Then you’re getting trampled to death. You also are acting like those hedge clippers are a semi-automatic rifle. If by some miracle you get anywhere near me with those I’m just going to take them away and finish you off.

[MagicHef]

More I think about it, I think I'm getting screwed by a confusing scenario. I think most people think I won't be armed for the kicker fight or worse, not armed for the first 3 minutes of the actual fight.

I think hedge clippers don't make a huge difference when you're outnumbered by two for a 3 minute fight.

[Hydrae]

I think hedge clippers don't make a huge difference when you're outnumbered by two for a 3 minute fight.

You and me against someone with hedge clippers. I think I will let you close in on him first. :D

[kysirsoze]

I think hedge clippers don't make a huge difference when you're outnumbered by two for a 3 minute fight.

OF COURSE they do. I don't have to fight, all I have to do is avoid. Nate Kaeding will get beaten horribly. You want to try to beat someone up who's carrying twin large blades? That pre match fight is completely pointless. The time will expire and all that's left is Wazu, me, the clippers, and a bonkers fight environment. The case for Wazu is weak as hell.

[MagicHef]

OF COURSE they do. I don't have to fight, all I have to do is avoid. Nate Kaeding will get beaten horribly. You want to try to beat someone up who's carrying twin large blades? That pre match fight is completely pointless. The time will expire and all that's left is Wazu, me, the clippers, and a bonkers fight environment. The case for Wazu is weak as hell.

I must have pretty terrible hedge clippers. It seems like everyone else must basically have two swords bolted together.

[Dartgod]

You’re losing because you’re getting your ass kicked before the fight even starts. Then you’re getting trampled to death. You also are acting like those hedge clippers are a semi-automatic rifle. If by some miracle you get anywhere near me with those I’m just going to take them away and finish you off.

By ostriches?

How many ostriches are in this herd? Also, my research says a group of ostriches are called a flock, not a herd.

[Dartgod]

While I'm on a roll, lets talk about the kickers.

Jason Elam was a Donkey, so we know he's a huge pussy.
Martin Gramatica's brother tore his ACL jumping. He has a family history of being weak.
Janikowski will be to hammered to fight.

And Suzy Kolber is a girl.

I don't think there will be much of a fight at all.

[kysirsoze]

I must have pretty terrible hedge clippers. It seems like everyone else must basically have two swords bolted together.

Not terribly far off.

http://santaritacafe.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/ii-hedge-shears-product-review-manual-clippers-hand-held-trimmer-bunnings-best-buying-guide.jpg

[Rain Man]

While I'm on a roll, lets talk about the kickers.

Jason Elam was a Donkey, so we know he's a huge pussy.
Martin Gramatica's brother tore his ACL jumping. He has a family history of being weak.
Janikowski will be to hammered to fight.

And Suzy Kolber is a girl.

I don't think there will be much of a fight at all.

Yeah, I just put Elam in there as a filler.

[kysirsoze]

Bump for the night crew to fix this madness.

[wazu]

There's an important factor that I think may be getting lost here. Kysirsoze is my actual, real-life little brother. This brings a gigantic psychological advantage.

Let's assume:

1. Kysir survives getting his ass kicked by Suzy Kolber and the ex-kickers. I know some of you are trying to downplay this but it would be a brutal ass kicking. Still, let's assume he makes it out without too much damage.
2. He survives being trampled by a herd of ostriches who weigh 300+ pounds.
3. He gets close enough to me to use those "oh so dangerous" hedge clippers.

He's going to miss. I mean, I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. He'll give a good swing, but I'm faster than him and he'll miss. He'll then be taken to the ground, and it will be a brawl. He will be disarmed, and he will lose.

Deep down kysir knows those hedge clippers aren't going to give him anything but a temporary false sense of security. Obviously I prefer the fight where I don't have to do anything, but if it did come down to a full-on fight, the result would be the same.

[InvinciBill]

There's an important factor that I think may be getting lost here. Kysirsoze is my actual, real-life little brother. This brings a gigantic psychological advantage.

Let's assume:

1. Kysir survives getting his ass kicked by Suzy Kolber and the ex-kickers. I know some of you are trying to downplay this but it would be a brutal ass kicking. Still, let's assume he makes it out without too much damage.
2. He survives being trampled by a herd of ostriches who weigh 300+ pounds.
3. He gets close enough to me to use those "oh so dangerous" hedge clippers.

He's going to miss. I mean, I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. He'll give a good swing, but I'm faster than him and he'll miss. He'll then be taken to the ground, and it will be a brawl. He will be disarmed, and he will lose.

Deep down kysir knows those hedge clippers aren't going to give him anything but a temporary false sense of security. Obviously I prefer the fight where I don't have to do anything, but if it did come down to a full-on fight, the result would be the same.

I am the actual, real-life cousin of both combatants. Regarding the above claims, I can confirm that, in a 40-yard dash, I would bet on wazu. But to be fair, wazu is the oldest by a tremendous margin, so kysir may be quicker.

All that said: I voted wazu, mostly because I think Jano is still going to be able to deliver a pretty stout pummeling even if kysir manages to stab him.

[kysirsoze]

There's an important factor that I think may be getting lost here. Kysirsoze is my actual, real-life little brother. This brings a gigantic psychological advantage.

He's going to miss. I mean, I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. He'll give a good swing, but I'm faster than him and he'll miss. He'll then be taken to the ground, and it will be a brawl. He will be disarmed, and he will lose.

Deep down kysir knows those hedge clippers aren't going to give him anything but a temporary false sense of security. Obviously I prefer the fight where I don't have to do anything, but if it did come down to a full-on fight, the result would be the same.


Weird of you to bring this up. If you think being in your mid forties over me being in my mid thirties is an advantage... well I guess that's as strategically sound as the rest of your case in this thread. The fact is, you aren't as quick or strong as you once were. It's OK. I'll be there some day too.

I do appreciate that in absence of an actual, tangible advantage, you have fallen back on "trust me he'll miss and I'll Jason Bourne his ass." We can try to convince internet strangers who would win in a fight, but at the end of the day, I am armed and you are not.

[kysirsoze]

I am the actual, real-life cousin of both combatants. Regarding the above claims, I can confirm that, in a 40-yard dash, I would bet on wazu. But to be fair, wazu is the oldest by a tremendous margin, so kysir may be quicker.

All that said: I voted wazu, mostly because I think Jano is still going to be able to deliver a pretty stout pummeling even if kysir manages to stab him.

DEAD TO ME

[Rain Man]

I had no idea that the tournament would produce family bloodshed.

[wazu]

I had no idea that the tournament would produce family bloodshed.

Oh, make no mistake, this battle will be acted out in-person on I-70 after Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Just gotta make sure Suzy isn't assigned to cover the Cowboys game.

By the way, the I-70 thing brings up another good point. In addition to everything else he has to deal with, Kysir also gets 3 more minutes of dodging oncoming traffic while fighting 4 people. Odds he survives both that AND the beat down from Suzy Kolber are incredibly low.

[kysirsoze]

Oh, make no mistake, this battle will be acted out in-person on I-70 after Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Just gotta make sure Suzy isn't assigned to cover the Cowboys game.

By the way, the I-70 thing brings up another good point. In addition to everything else he has to deal with, Kysir also gets 3 more minutes of dodging oncoming traffic while fighting 4 people. Odds he survives both that AND the beat down from Suzy Kolber are incredibly low.

Across a two lane state highway. There's no reason I would enter traffic until I'm coming to kill you. I know you're gasping, but rewriting the OP is a little much.

[Sofa King]

Honesty thought Wazu would have more votes. This is a no brainer.

[Rain Man]

Next vote wins this epic battle for the finale.

[Rain Man]

In the end, kysirsoze manages to extract the hedge clippers from Jason Elam and use them one ... more ... time. kysirsoze moves on to the championship round.

[wazu]

Well, damn. To recap my progression through the tournament, and ultimate demise:

Round 1: Won a fight in a submarine using a bowie knife while my opponent failed to defeat me with poison darts.
Round 2: Killed a man who was tied to me using only a bo staff.
Round 3: Hacked a man to death using hatchet even though my hands were handcuffed.
Round 4: Fought off grizzly bears while standing in a tree and dispatching my opponent with a boomerang.
Final Four - Round 5: Died at the hands of my own brother while dodging traffic amid a stampede of ostriches.

Rain Man,

Thanks for putting this tournament on again. It's some of your best work.

kysirsoze,

Congratulations on your victory, and good luck in the next round. Also, I'm telling Mom.

[kysirsoze]

Well, damn. To recap my progression through the tournament, and ultimate demise:

Round 1: Won a fight in a submarine using a bowie knife while my opponent failed to defeat me with poison darts.
Round 2: Killed a man who was tied to me using only a bo staff.
Round 3: Hacked a man to death using hatchet even though my hands were handcuffed.
Round 4: Fought off grizzly bears while standing in a tree and dispatching my opponent with a boomerang.
Final Four - Round 5: Died at the hands of my own brother while dodging traffic amid a stampede of ostriches.

Rain Man,

Thanks for putting this tournament on again. It's some of your best work.

kysirsoze,

Congratulations on your victory, and good luck in the next round. Also, I'm telling Mom.


Well fought. You had an impressive run for sure. Finally get my vengeance for that Freddy Kruger prank when I was five. It was a long time coming.