Hammock Parties
10-14-2019, 10:42 AM
George Blowfish kindly tapped me to post this last week via PM.
Prison Bitch insisted he was gonna do it so I just forgot about it, but like Will Fuller yesterday, he dropped the ball, so this is why we can't have nice things.
Anyway, here's a belated Ten Things - Guest Edition.
1. I had an excellent weekend - as you know, I make dumb Chiefs videos and, in anticipation of the Chiefs finally beating the Patriots in the playoffs this year, I have decided to do an Endgame parody, with Mahomes snapping Brady out of existence. I already set up Mahomes as Iron man, and have the Travis Kelce/Thor setup ready to go. After finishing work on the Black Panther/Tyreek Hill parody Friday and Saturday, I was all ready for his return and a glorious Chiefs win on Sunday. But sometimes we can't have nice things.
https://scontent.fmkc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/72565996_2698999626789598_1841467850930257920_n.png?_nc_cat=105&_nc_oc=AQkrz4tW05iX50C5tdTI23uo9BjlQJst-iSsjrzpm692tTLYkalsuKVsJdhIPviwDXc&_nc_ht=scontent.fmkc1-1.fna&oh=97050879bab60895e0f26b898d5e6fab&oe=5E2362D4
2. Speaking of parodies, the Chiefs defense is a total laughingstock right now - two weeks in a row we've been completely run over. I think if the Chiefs defense was a Marvel movie, it would be Ben Affleck's shitty Daredevil, which is fitting considering how blind our defenders appear to be. The linebackers are the main culprit. Damien "It's All For You" Wilson and Darron Lee are glorified special teams players starting at OLB. The Chiefs are so desperate I think they benched Anthony Hitchens for Ben Niemann and it didn't work out. This entire crew needs to be replaced in the offseason.
3. Tyreek Hill is fucking awesome. The Chiefs started the game with an absolute nuclear bomb to the Cheetah and he delivered. He must have the greatest vertical leap for a 5-10 receiver in the league right now. I like to call him Midget Randy Moss, and he is. Tyreek had 80 yards and 2 TDs in only 29 snaps. He good, and I think he plays the full game Thursday and the offense will be back to form.
https://i.imgur.com/bggdKkN.gif
4. The Chiefs OL is not fucking awesome, and Andy Reid is still adjusting. I think Reid is drunk on Mahomes and the Cheetah coming back made it worse. This is the only reason he decided to call a play action pass and go for more points right before halftime, which turned into a disaster when Mahomes fumbled on a sack-strip. You just don't call that play with Martinas "McBride" Rankin starting at LG and Cam Erving at LT. You play it safe, take a knee, and go into halftime with the lead. I'm gonna guess the Chiefs give Stefen Wisniewski the start at LG Thursday against Denver. Either way, Reid is an old OL coach, and I think he gets this problem fixed before long. This isn't Carl&Herm running out Kyle Turley and Jordan Black and calling seven-step drops for Breakie Frayle. We can fix this.
5. Patrick Mahomes is hobbled, but no, they don't need to sit him. His ankle isn't so bad that he can't play. He, like Reid, is drunk on himself and thinks he can hold the ball and fling it deep despite poor blocking. Mahomes and Reid both need to play more conservative. Reid needs to protect Mahomes, and Mahomes needs to protect himself. I expect the Chiefs to make this adjustment against Denver with Von Miller looming.
6. Travis Kelce is being victimized by awful refereeing right now. The announcers made note of how the Texans wanted to copy the Patriots gameplan from last January. Well, they tried, and they took it to an extreme. The officials missed a terrible defensive holding call on Mahomes first INT of the year, and again refused to call an obvious PI in the fourth quarter. The defender was all over Kelce with the ball in the air.
Even ProFootballTalk is bitching about it. (https://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2019/10/14/something-fishy-happened-in-that-texans-chiefs-call/) I do think the Chiefs will formally complain to the league about the way teams are "defending" Kelce right now because it's 100% bush league. I also think the Chiefs are going to continue to get away with running pick plays if teams keep doing this, because guess what, if you get away with cheating, so can we.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EGyEAkdXUAU7aCx?format=jpg&name=900x900
7. It's time to give Darwin Thompson some touches. I don't know why Reid isn't playing him, but I still think he is our most explosive talent at RB. Darel Williams is an OK player who isn't particularly fast or quick, and Shady is great, but he can't carry the load. On that awful running play on 2nd and 14 at the end of the game Sunday, McCoy had a hole, but he was too slow to get through it. Maybe DW gets through that hole. He has excellent hands, too. Please give Pocket Hercules the ball, Andy.
8. Speaking of young players, I really think Hill's return is going to pay dividends for Mecole Hardman, who I think is far ahead of projected pace with 16 catches for 291 yards and 2 TD already, especially for a rookie WR. He had another nice game yesterday with 4 catches for 45 yards, and defenses just can't focus on him with Hill on the field. As you can see on this play, they have to give a cushion here and Mecole just eats it up.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">The Tyreek Hill effect is amazing. <br><br>With Cheetah on the field Mecole Hardman gets a seven-yard cushion and an easy 13-yard gain. <a href="https://t.co/9lfUym2Rig">pic.twitter.com/9lfUym2Rig</a></p>— 64 Sent (@ClayWendler) <a href="https://twitter.com/ClayWendler/status/1183444415244853248?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 13, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
9. Our fan base has been spoiled by the success of the Chiefs. We not only expect to win now, but we demand it, and when things don't go our way, especially after we were inches from the Super Bowl, we throw a fit. Right now, almost all of Chiefs Kingdom, not only on CP, but on twitter and FB and on the radio are acting like spoiled brats, throwing a temper tantrum, asking for Reid's head, Spagnuolo's balls, Veach's ass, making Mahomes sit on his dick, etc. It is true lunacy.
Just realize that the Chiefs are in first place, and if there is a football problem, Reid can probably fix it. This team was 1-5 in 2015 and ended up winning a playoff game and coming within one score of winning another with a M*A*S*H unit in New England. That team was 27th in offense, this team is 28th in defense - Reid will overcome. He always has. And if he can't, Mahomes probably can. At least that is their history, and until we have definitive proof otherwise, I'm still working on the goddamn Endgame parody. Whatever it takes. Even if the snap ends up killing Mahomes' ankle.
10. If you are still sitting here bitching about being in first place, maybe you need a dose of perspective. My good buddy Lance Twidwell, who many of you know as the voice of Fake Mahomes, sits in the handicap section at Arrowhead (his dad has some physical issues). The people who sit in that section change every week. Well, there was a dude there this week who has terminal brain cancer. Here is the full story, which may move you to tears:
<iframe src="https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Flance.twidwell%2Fvideos%2F10157849782304974%2F&show_text=0&width=267" width="267" height="476" style="border:none;overflow:hidden" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" allowTransparency="true" allowFullScreen="true"></iframe>
This guy has only weeks to live, and he wanted to spend one of his few remaining days watching the Chiefs suck ass. And maybe they do. But at least he got to see The Cheetah drop a nuke on the Texans, and maybe that was all worth it. So I'm not gonna bitch about this team. Not while they are in first place, with the league MVP and one of the greatest coaches in NFL history leading the way. I'm gonna enjoy it. Because we owe it to guys like Gianni.
https://scontent.fmkc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/72301971_10157849784944974_144425155865608192_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_oc=AQlpv9Lrv__Oeuf2emRWDwuzO1NIxD7kAlCsL3Dm5BEZWpZrD4VqVb3quA0uQP0b2s4&_nc_ht=scontent.fmkc1-1.fna&oh=5b336687298af8450c8af8def5d066d9&oe=5E2977BB
Anyway, thanks for George letting me pinch hit, and suck my balls Prison Bitch. And all you entitled whiny bitches, too. We'll be fine.
https://i.imgur.com/ojEm3FX.jpg
Prison Bitch insisted he was gonna do it so I just forgot about it, but like Will Fuller yesterday, he dropped the ball, so this is why we can't have nice things.
Anyway, here's a belated Ten Things - Guest Edition.
1. I had an excellent weekend - as you know, I make dumb Chiefs videos and, in anticipation of the Chiefs finally beating the Patriots in the playoffs this year, I have decided to do an Endgame parody, with Mahomes snapping Brady out of existence. I already set up Mahomes as Iron man, and have the Travis Kelce/Thor setup ready to go. After finishing work on the Black Panther/Tyreek Hill parody Friday and Saturday, I was all ready for his return and a glorious Chiefs win on Sunday. But sometimes we can't have nice things.
https://scontent.fmkc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/72565996_2698999626789598_1841467850930257920_n.png?_nc_cat=105&_nc_oc=AQkrz4tW05iX50C5tdTI23uo9BjlQJst-iSsjrzpm692tTLYkalsuKVsJdhIPviwDXc&_nc_ht=scontent.fmkc1-1.fna&oh=97050879bab60895e0f26b898d5e6fab&oe=5E2362D4
2. Speaking of parodies, the Chiefs defense is a total laughingstock right now - two weeks in a row we've been completely run over. I think if the Chiefs defense was a Marvel movie, it would be Ben Affleck's shitty Daredevil, which is fitting considering how blind our defenders appear to be. The linebackers are the main culprit. Damien "It's All For You" Wilson and Darron Lee are glorified special teams players starting at OLB. The Chiefs are so desperate I think they benched Anthony Hitchens for Ben Niemann and it didn't work out. This entire crew needs to be replaced in the offseason.
3. Tyreek Hill is fucking awesome. The Chiefs started the game with an absolute nuclear bomb to the Cheetah and he delivered. He must have the greatest vertical leap for a 5-10 receiver in the league right now. I like to call him Midget Randy Moss, and he is. Tyreek had 80 yards and 2 TDs in only 29 snaps. He good, and I think he plays the full game Thursday and the offense will be back to form.
https://i.imgur.com/bggdKkN.gif
4. The Chiefs OL is not fucking awesome, and Andy Reid is still adjusting. I think Reid is drunk on Mahomes and the Cheetah coming back made it worse. This is the only reason he decided to call a play action pass and go for more points right before halftime, which turned into a disaster when Mahomes fumbled on a sack-strip. You just don't call that play with Martinas "McBride" Rankin starting at LG and Cam Erving at LT. You play it safe, take a knee, and go into halftime with the lead. I'm gonna guess the Chiefs give Stefen Wisniewski the start at LG Thursday against Denver. Either way, Reid is an old OL coach, and I think he gets this problem fixed before long. This isn't Carl&Herm running out Kyle Turley and Jordan Black and calling seven-step drops for Breakie Frayle. We can fix this.
5. Patrick Mahomes is hobbled, but no, they don't need to sit him. His ankle isn't so bad that he can't play. He, like Reid, is drunk on himself and thinks he can hold the ball and fling it deep despite poor blocking. Mahomes and Reid both need to play more conservative. Reid needs to protect Mahomes, and Mahomes needs to protect himself. I expect the Chiefs to make this adjustment against Denver with Von Miller looming.
6. Travis Kelce is being victimized by awful refereeing right now. The announcers made note of how the Texans wanted to copy the Patriots gameplan from last January. Well, they tried, and they took it to an extreme. The officials missed a terrible defensive holding call on Mahomes first INT of the year, and again refused to call an obvious PI in the fourth quarter. The defender was all over Kelce with the ball in the air.
Even ProFootballTalk is bitching about it. (https://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2019/10/14/something-fishy-happened-in-that-texans-chiefs-call/) I do think the Chiefs will formally complain to the league about the way teams are "defending" Kelce right now because it's 100% bush league. I also think the Chiefs are going to continue to get away with running pick plays if teams keep doing this, because guess what, if you get away with cheating, so can we.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EGyEAkdXUAU7aCx?format=jpg&name=900x900
7. It's time to give Darwin Thompson some touches. I don't know why Reid isn't playing him, but I still think he is our most explosive talent at RB. Darel Williams is an OK player who isn't particularly fast or quick, and Shady is great, but he can't carry the load. On that awful running play on 2nd and 14 at the end of the game Sunday, McCoy had a hole, but he was too slow to get through it. Maybe DW gets through that hole. He has excellent hands, too. Please give Pocket Hercules the ball, Andy.
8. Speaking of young players, I really think Hill's return is going to pay dividends for Mecole Hardman, who I think is far ahead of projected pace with 16 catches for 291 yards and 2 TD already, especially for a rookie WR. He had another nice game yesterday with 4 catches for 45 yards, and defenses just can't focus on him with Hill on the field. As you can see on this play, they have to give a cushion here and Mecole just eats it up.
<blockquote class="twitter-tweet"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">The Tyreek Hill effect is amazing. <br><br>With Cheetah on the field Mecole Hardman gets a seven-yard cushion and an easy 13-yard gain. <a href="https://t.co/9lfUym2Rig">pic.twitter.com/9lfUym2Rig</a></p>— 64 Sent (@ClayWendler) <a href="https://twitter.com/ClayWendler/status/1183444415244853248?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">October 13, 2019</a></blockquote> <script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script>
9. Our fan base has been spoiled by the success of the Chiefs. We not only expect to win now, but we demand it, and when things don't go our way, especially after we were inches from the Super Bowl, we throw a fit. Right now, almost all of Chiefs Kingdom, not only on CP, but on twitter and FB and on the radio are acting like spoiled brats, throwing a temper tantrum, asking for Reid's head, Spagnuolo's balls, Veach's ass, making Mahomes sit on his dick, etc. It is true lunacy.
Just realize that the Chiefs are in first place, and if there is a football problem, Reid can probably fix it. This team was 1-5 in 2015 and ended up winning a playoff game and coming within one score of winning another with a M*A*S*H unit in New England. That team was 27th in offense, this team is 28th in defense - Reid will overcome. He always has. And if he can't, Mahomes probably can. At least that is their history, and until we have definitive proof otherwise, I'm still working on the goddamn Endgame parody. Whatever it takes. Even if the snap ends up killing Mahomes' ankle.
10. If you are still sitting here bitching about being in first place, maybe you need a dose of perspective. My good buddy Lance Twidwell, who many of you know as the voice of Fake Mahomes, sits in the handicap section at Arrowhead (his dad has some physical issues). The people who sit in that section change every week. Well, there was a dude there this week who has terminal brain cancer. Here is the full story, which may move you to tears:
<iframe src="https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Flance.twidwell%2Fvideos%2F10157849782304974%2F&show_text=0&width=267" width="267" height="476" style="border:none;overflow:hidden" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" allowTransparency="true" allowFullScreen="true"></iframe>
This guy has only weeks to live, and he wanted to spend one of his few remaining days watching the Chiefs suck ass. And maybe they do. But at least he got to see The Cheetah drop a nuke on the Texans, and maybe that was all worth it. So I'm not gonna bitch about this team. Not while they are in first place, with the league MVP and one of the greatest coaches in NFL history leading the way. I'm gonna enjoy it. Because we owe it to guys like Gianni.
https://scontent.fmkc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/72301971_10157849784944974_144425155865608192_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_oc=AQlpv9Lrv__Oeuf2emRWDwuzO1NIxD7kAlCsL3Dm5BEZWpZrD4VqVb3quA0uQP0b2s4&_nc_ht=scontent.fmkc1-1.fna&oh=5b336687298af8450c8af8def5d066d9&oe=5E2977BB
Anyway, thanks for George letting me pinch hit, and suck my balls Prison Bitch. And all you entitled whiny bitches, too. We'll be fine.
https://i.imgur.com/ojEm3FX.jpg