PDA

View Full Version : Ask Iowanian. Pt II, the Keyboard of Doom


Pages : [1] 2

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 02:46 PM
If you've got a problem, yo Ahll Solve it, check out my hooks, while DJ revolves it..tss tss ts tss tst

If Dr Laura, Dr Phil or Ann Landers couldn't help you.....Serve it up.


Its the offseason, the board needs something other than politics. This thread, and the answers will go where you take it. A serious Question....I'll try to help, and or rely on others......A not serious question....You'll get what you ask for.


disclaimer: Iowanian is not a licensed Doctor, Psychologist or anything else. No responsibility shall be taken by advisors on any issue within the thread. The answer "I have no #@%&* idea " is valid and acceptable for these purposes. If the thread sucks, it shall fade into planet oblivion.

Baby Lee
01-29-2004, 02:50 PM
I'm having difficulty gaining traction in my efforts to change from poseur White Rapper to poseur BMX-er to poseur Punk frontman. Any good PR advice?

JimNasium
01-29-2004, 02:51 PM
Should I trust a man that wears a pinky ring?

Baby Lee
01-29-2004, 02:52 PM
tsk, tsk. Rob raced dirtbikes w/ motors, not BMX.
MX? BMX?
Fade? Dreds? Buzzcut?
Who fuggin cares? It's Rob.

BTW - in search of an avenue to arise, like the Phoenix, back to the big time, how do these two words grab you;



Trucker Hats!!!

ChiTown
01-29-2004, 02:58 PM
Sometimes, I get that "not so fresh feeling"...

Any advice?

Signed
Stinky Ol' Box or SOB

Bootlegged
01-29-2004, 02:58 PM
My penis doesn't fit in my pants anymore. Should I just let it hang out?

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 03:06 PM
Should we make an "Ask Dr. Iowanian" forum again?

Lets just see how the thread "goes" for now. I'm sure a plethora will think it sucks, and find it non-useful and not funny.

in next week's addition, Delt...we'll discuss what happens to a chicken when its head is pulled off.

next.
(I need to think of a clever ending...I'd use "and thats all Ah have ta say about tha-at"....but F. Gump beat me to it)

ndbbm
01-29-2004, 03:08 PM
(I need to think of a clever ending...I'd use "and thats all Ah have ta say about tha-at"....but F. Gump beat me to it)

Mah-jick legs!, Lt. Daaaaan.

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 03:08 PM
I'm having difficulty gaining traction in my efforts to change from poseur White Rapper to poseur BMX-er to poseur Punk frontman. Any good PR advice?

Vanilla...I'd recommend getting a job running a grinder at a welding shop. That will allow you to think of new rifs to steal, while giving you ample time to practice your rymes....and the noise of the grinding wheel on that steel tank, will save others from your attempt.


Also..Just come clean.....You stole the Rif from bowie.

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 03:12 PM
Sometimes, I get that "not so fresh feeling"...

Any advice?

Signed
Stinky Ol' Box or SOB

Is this an internal or an external problem? either way, I'd refrain from allowing homeless people to insert anything into your cavity or vica versa.

Its long been known that the more foul the odor of cheese, the more it costs....find yourself a plastic butter knife, some pretty dixie cups, some extra stregth plastic wrap, and market that chicheese to foreign markets as an export. Lost cost of production....

Your only other option involves a car wash, a bottle of windex, a wire brush and an unfortunate rash.

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 03:15 PM
My penis doesn't fit in my pants anymore. Should I just let it hang out?

Is it poking through the gaps between the zipper teeth again? how unfortunate.

My best advice is to stop attempting to wear those acid washed Jeans, with the Def Leopard rips that you wore when you were 14. You've gained 90lbs, they look like crap and the mooseknuckle is scary to your shoe salesman.

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 03:19 PM
If I were to believe my elementary school teachers, it would run around like an 8 year old me w/ too much sugar.

A combination of that......and what your mother told you would happen when you choked your chicken.......and on a trampoline, with a red mist exiting where your cranium used to reside.

siberian khatru
01-29-2004, 03:19 PM
Does Brideowanian still make those snorting sounds during sex like she did in high school?

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 03:24 PM
Does Brideowanian still make those snorting sounds during sex like she did in high school?

well Audience...It appears we've got a special guest today. She did tell me about you. The rest of the story is that the only time she actually snorts...is during uncontrollable laughter. She said that while your "affliction" would cause pitty by some, the actual defect itself was funnier than watching Eddie Murphy Delerious in a room full of midget acrobats. While, during my visits to your hometown...I can't quite say you were described as a "star"...I'll say there is some Cult-like status....shared with some guy named "ThoroughBred ED".

So...The best answer to this question is that I wouldn't have a clue....I am too occupied by the look of Inspiration, that WHOA!, the blinding bright light that appears from the thin air in my direction, and the sound of a Girls Chior singing of Exhaultation.

Maybe I should show her this and see if She's got anything to add?

siberian khatru
01-29-2004, 03:27 PM
well Audience...It appears we've got a special guest today. She did tell me about you. The rest of the story is that the only time she actually snorts...is during uncontrollable laughter. She said that while your "affliction" would cause pitty by some, the actual defect itself was funnier than watching Eddie Murphy Delerious in a room full of midget acrobats. While, during my visits to your hometown...I can't quite say you were described as a "star"...I'll say there is some Cult-like status....shared with some guy named "ThoroughBred ED".

So...The best answer to this question is that I wouldn't have a clue....I am too occupied by the look of Inspiration, that WHOA!, the blinding bright light that appears from the thin air in my direction, and the sound of a Girls Chior singing of Exhaultation.

ROFL

I knew that would inspire you.

JimNasium
01-29-2004, 03:31 PM
Should I trust a man that wears a pinky ring?
WTF? Are you not answering the questions in the order they were taken? :p

ChiTown
01-29-2004, 03:31 PM
WTF? Are you not answering the questions in the order they were taken? :p


Is the ring made of foreskin?

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 03:37 PM
WTF? Are you not answering the questions in the order they were taken? :p

Jim, Please don't feel slighted. A question with such serious implications can often take a great deal of time to ponder, to make sure that the best advice is given for your price of admission.

"should you trust a man who wears a pinky ring".

I'd say that depends on the situation. See, while this question appears simple on the surface, its a delicate item, with complex theories not always aggreed upon by those in my perfection.

For example.
If you're sharing a tent with a guy at a Logging camp, who is wearing a pinky ring.....I'd recommend sleeping in long pants and zipping the bag up tighter. If you're seeking advice on redecorating the kitchen or the Den to suprise your wife, you may actually wish to SEEK a man in a pinky ring. This may also be the case if you are getting a haircut. If you're going with the flat top, butch, or high-n-tight....I'd recommend an old guy without a pinky ring, preferably named Floyd or Gary.......If you have the "Ryan Secrest" thing happening.....again...Seek out a guy with a pinky ring...Prefeably named Lance or Skylar.

hope that is helpful
(insert clever closing statement here)

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 03:44 PM
What if I'm some wanting to get someone whacked?

I'd recommend you clear it with him before trying anything......and don't forget your slick liquid.

Whatever floats your boat.

JimNasium
01-29-2004, 03:46 PM
If you're sharing a tent with a guy at a Logging camp, who is wearing a pinky ring.....I'd recommend sleeping in long pants and zipping the bag up tighter. If you're seeking advice on redecorating the kitchen or the Den to suprise your wife, you may actually wish to SEEK a man in a pinky ring. This may also be the case if you are getting a haircut. If you're going with the flat top, butch, or high-n-tight....I'd recommend an old guy without a pinky ring.......If you have the "Ryan Secrest" thing happening.....again...Seek out a guy with a pinky ring...Prefeably named Lance or Skylar.
:LOL: ROFL :LOL: ROFL

Bwana
01-29-2004, 03:59 PM
Dear Dr. Iowanian:

First of all, let me tell you I am a big fan. You are far and away better than that big old tub of goo Oppra and that turd burglar Dr. Phil.

My question pertains to the dentist. If I goes in and the good Dr. dentist causes me more pain than I have ever experienced in my life, is it ok to give him the Overhead treatment and kick him in the twins?

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 04:05 PM
First. Let me Thank you. Its always nice to hear from fans that I've been able to help. Its YOU, the fan that is the real star. Without such sophisticated questions, I'd have nothing to add.

Its funny you should mention that Bwana. Just yesterday I was thinking of your plight. I went to the dentist to get "2 small spots touched up" and it turned into 3 1/2hours of unpleasantness. Apparently, the Geologic department of dentistry determined a high probability of hitting oil if they were to dig long enough and deep enough into my skull. During this experience, apparently there was a nerve that wouldn't deaden....and every time the drill, auger, or spade type digging utensil scraped it, I had a feeling similar to how it might feel to crush ones own nuticles.

Every time the horrid look of displeasure crossed my face, the dentist asked if I was "feeling that"....It was my determination, that since its difficult to communicate orally when someone has 2 hands, a mirror and a black-n-decker sawszall in ones mouth, that the proper way to effectively communicate with said dentist was to grab his pill bag with a pair of fencing pliers.....relaxing the grip when things are fine, and squeezing as the pain level would dictate.

Altough, I'd never claim to be able to fully understand your pain, I do have empathy and feel that this is the best sollution for all of us.

Bwana
01-29-2004, 04:09 PM
Thank you doc, I will toss on my steel toe boots next time I go in.

ExtremeChief
01-29-2004, 04:22 PM
Dr. Iowanian,

Ann Landers couldn't help me, and I'm not about to ask that fatsumbitch Dr. Phil. How do I get the blood off my shirt that inevitably comes after stabbing someone 16 times. The shirt is navy blue, if that helps.

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 04:27 PM
Extreme.
Burn the shirt and get a new one. You can surely use money from the wallet of the person whose fluid is on the existing apparel.


Sheesh.

ExtremeChief
01-29-2004, 04:31 PM
Thanks,

but I couldn't take money from their wallet... that would be stealing.

Talisman
01-29-2004, 04:35 PM
Dr. Iowanian,

My wife wants to invite a couple she knows from work to our Super Bowl party. The problem is that I don't like them. The guy collects Star Wars Lego sets, she's into Dungeons & Dragons crap and neither one of them even care about football. How can I keep them from coming over and ruining the party for everyone else?

Desperate in Des Moines

tk13
01-29-2004, 05:01 PM
DEAR PLEASANT PROFESSOR OF PIG POOP: I hope you can help me. My teenage daughter was recently invited to a nude slumber party. She assured me there would be no boys present.

I called the mother of the girl and talked to her about this party. While the mother admitted the idea was strange, she said she would be present during the party to supervise. She also said her husband and teenage son would be away for the weekend, so there would be no males present in the house. She assured me that nude slumber parties are all the rage these days.

I have never heard of such a thing and cannot imagine why a bunch of 15- and 16-year-old girls would want to spend 12 hours together naked.

- Frustrated Father In Pedophiliaville

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 05:24 PM
Dr. Iowanian,

My wife wants to invite a couple she knows from work to our Super Bowl party. The problem is that I don't like them. The guy collects Star Wars Lego sets, she's into Dungeons & Dragons crap and neither one of them even care about football. How can I keep them from coming over and ruining the party for everyone else?

Desperate in Des Moines

As a wise man once said(and was suggested by Endelt). "spare the rod and spoil the broad"(hey! now there is a Iowani-copywrighted slogan to end posts with?.!"

You simply inform them that there are no Legos in Football. That isn't Jabba the Hutt on the Big Screen.....Its Ted Washington. If Taliswife hasn't invited them yet, you firmly say no, and offer to ease her discomfort with a naked halftime show. If she already has gone against the Kings wishes....Simply tell them the party was cancelled due to a new strain of that flu that is so prevelent in DesMoines. Nodouchabaggawatchafootball inmyhouseisitis Can be very very contagious.

If you allow this, the germ will fester. Next week, they'll be over to watch the American Idol marathon, and Taliwife will be replacing your Lifesize KC Helmet on the Mantle with some type of dried flowers.

Stop this now, or you'll soon find yourself painting their friggin house on the next episode of Trading Spaces.


Spare the Rod and Spoil the Broad

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 05:35 PM
DEAR PLEASANT PROFESSOR OF PIG POOP: I hope you can help me. My teenage daughter was recently invited to a nude slumber party. She assured me there would be no boys present.

I called the mother of the girl and talked to her about this party. While the mother admitted the idea was strange, she said she would be present during the party to supervise. She also said her husband and teenage son would be away for the weekend, so there would be no males present in the house. She assured me that nude slumber parties are all the rage these days.

I have never heard of such a thing and cannot imagine why a bunch of 15- and 16-year-old girls would want to spend 12 hours together naked.

- Frustrated Father In Pedophiliaville

Its imperitive that you keep your daughter home. Ever considered Perochial school?

I think the best thing to do is make the most opportunity. You can teach your teenage daughter about avoiding troublesome situations, and at the same time, send your teenage son over to Investigate. He'll think you're the coolest dad alive, and test that "talk" you have.

Iowanian
01-29-2004, 09:53 PM
Talisman.....

In a follow up to your previous question, I felt inclined to express how strongly I felt about the answer. I fear that you couldn't comprehend what I actually meant by written word, so I have demonstrated in Picture format what will happen if you don't stand firm on this issue.

KCWolfman
01-29-2004, 10:52 PM
My brother thinks he is a mule. Should I feel guilty about having him pull a plow every spring?

RealSNR
01-29-2004, 11:07 PM
Dr. Iowanian:

My life is perfect. Help me find a problem so I can get a question answered on here!

Iowanian
01-30-2004, 08:28 AM
Dr. Iowanian:

My life is perfect. Help me find a problem so I can get a question answered on here!

I think the problem is obvious. Its -327 Degrees in Fargo today. Your brain is frozen and you're not thinking clearly. Otherwise, you might be asking how to mask the fact that one of your eyes sits higher on your head, one of your ears is half again bigger than the other, the combover isn't working for you. The magic 8ball tells me that your fly is open.

Iowanian
01-30-2004, 08:33 AM
My brother thinks he is a mule. Should I feel guilty about having him pull a plow every spring?

Ettiquette would indicate that this practice is acceptable, but only if you use him for some charity work also. Having him plow a vacant lot that he's cleaned up for a community garden is a grand idea.

The real comment should be about your actions though. I think the fact that you believe that having your brother pull you back and forth in the Foodbarn parking lot in a grocery cart is pulling a plow, indicates a need for the help of a mental health professional.

On the other hand, I can see how it might be fun. It may also be enjoyable to have him pull the kids and sleds back up the hill during winter sledding.

Spare the Rod and Spoil the Broad-er.

Talisman
01-30-2004, 08:44 AM
Dr I,

Sally is now twice Susan's age. In five years, Susan will be two years younger than Sally is now. Five years ago, Susan was seven years younger than Sally was. How old are they now?

Mathematically Challenged

seclark
01-30-2004, 08:57 AM
iowa...it's -2degrees outside this morning. how long can i leave my beer outside before it freezes? if needed, i can call my wifes office and she can come home and bring it back inside to me, but i don't want her to miss too much work, so timing is crucial.
regards,
sec

Baby Lee
01-30-2004, 09:02 AM
Dear Dr. Iowanian;

A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was when it was one fourth as old as it is now.


How long is the banana?

Talisman
01-30-2004, 09:09 AM
Dear Dr. Iowanian;

A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was when it was one fourth as old as it is now.


How long is the banana?
I'm guessing you have a 3" banana.

Iowanian
01-30-2004, 09:15 AM
Dr I,

Sally is now twice Susan's age. In five years, Susan will be two years younger than Sally is now. Five years ago, Susan was seven years younger than Sally was. How old are they now?

Mathematically Challenged

Susan is 14 and Sally is 7.

Now...the rest of the lesson is that math problems like this only occur in school. Never in the real world. This information is just taking up space in your brain that could be used to remember that square, square, Triangle, Circle circle Square is the Finishing move for the Blue guy on Mortal Kombat.

Iowanian is not a mathematician and will assume any further mathematic questions are intentional provocation.

Iowanian
01-30-2004, 09:18 AM
iowa...it's -2degrees outside this morning. how long can i leave my beer outside before it freezes? if needed, i can call my wifes office and she can come home and bring it back inside to me, but i don't want her to miss too much work, so timing is crucial.
regards,
sec

Sec,
This is both a serious and Tragic situation. My heart goes out to you. It has been my experience that leaving beer outside for more than an hour in negative temperatures will result in frozen and foamy beer. Whoa to those who leave that beer out in the wind, as it shall be rendered useless in 45 minutes. I'd recommend tellin SheClark to hop out of the tub and run herself out to save that beer.

I'm a conservationist though.

Phobia
01-30-2004, 09:20 AM
I am currently experiencing an intense pressure in my rectal area. I feel as though I am ready to explode. But, I'm out of toilet paper. What should I do?

Iowanian
01-30-2004, 09:22 AM
Dear Dr. Iowanian;

A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was when it was one fourth as old as it is now.

How long is the banana?

It is impossible to calculate the answer, as the Monkey had eaten the banana by the time the question was fielded.


Unfortunately, we were unable to compile an answer to this dilema. Iowanian was disgusted that the monkey was eating his own feces and throwing vomit at him while trying to survey the situation.

Research has indicated that the good news for the Monkey, according to his proctologist, is that he no longer is property of the Zoo of Sweeden.

Talisman
01-30-2004, 09:27 AM
This information is just taking up space in your brain that could be used to remember that square, square, Triangle, Circle circle Square is the Finishing move for the Blue guy on Mortal Kombat.

Doc,

I have an extra $50 lying around from that kidney I sold and was wondering what video game I should purchase. You seem to have some knowledge in this area. Are there any must-have games out right now that you would recommend I pick up?

Jonesing for Games

Mark M
01-30-2004, 09:30 AM
Dear Dr. Iowanian ...

The Mrs. and I are expecting our first child in August. I know I am the father (DNA test) and a sonogram convinced us that we're having a boy (either that, or the kid is holding a baseball bat).

The problem is that we can't agree on a name. I like Joshua, she likes Ayden. What should we name him?

Sincerely,

Nameless in North KC

Iowanian
01-30-2004, 09:31 AM
I am currently experiencing an intense pressure in my rectal area. I feel as though I am ready to explode. But, I'm out of toilet paper. What should I do?

Without more information as to your current situation, this is a difficult problem to solve. I'll do my best to cover both common problems in Houston.

1. You may begin to feel relief from the problem, by having the man behind you remove the firm object from the area. While I don't know from personal experience, it would make sense that this might cause your discomfort.


2. The more common cause is obvious. I have some sollutions to alleviate your pain. In Iowania, if one is foolish enough to go to the field without the standard issue ESK(emergency shit kit) in the truck or preferably tractor...One can often find himself in a similar situation as yours.

There are many possibilities to solve your dilema. First, I'd scan the area/truck/tractor/construction site for napkins that may have been left from previous lunches. The next would be to locate other paper products...Paper grocery bags could be effective, the backing of fiberglass insulation is also a possibility. In a real pickle, Iowanian has been known to cut or tear the bottom half of the front of his teeshirt off and use that.

I'd say your sollution, as painful as it may be, is to tear off the required about of the WHAM! concert tee that you're so fond of. this time of year, in your line of work, you should be sporting a standard Plad Flannel shirt to cover you anyway.

The other option is to use the ARAB Method.....and just shake and eat with your right hand for the rest of the day.

Iowanian
01-30-2004, 09:34 AM
Doc,

I have an extra $50 lying around from that kidney I sold and was wondering what video game I should purchase. You seem to have some knowledge in this area. Are there any must-have games out right now that you would recommend I pick up?

Jonesing for Games

Iowanian is not a video gaming expert, but Has recently purchased a couple of games for PSII. I found Madden04 to be satisfying, but it seems to have worn off its usefullness at this time. I've also purchased MOH, Allied assault, and MOH Rising Sun. While Both had great graffics, I conquered rising sun pretty quickly. Most recently, I purchased NCAA football 04 and am working on my 3rd season.

If I were you, I'd save some of that money and give Iowanian $35 for Rising Sun.

Iowanian
01-30-2004, 09:39 AM
Dear Dr. Iowanian ...

The Mrs. and I are expecting our first child in August. I know I am the father (DNA test) and a sonogram convinced us that we're having a boy (either that, or the kid is holding a baseball bat).

The problem is that we can't agree on a name. I like Joshua, she likes Ayden. What should we name him?

Sincerely,

Nameless in North KC

Ayden is a trendy name because of that chic show on HBO that shows just enough T&A for a man to allow it viewed in his home. While many may not aggree, I personally believe that a boy should be given a strong name. I'm not a big fan of the "fad names" and prefer more traditional names. I'm also a believer in spelling the name the way it should be instead of getting all Clever. The kid has to spell that when he's 5. There will be 3 other Aydens in his class, spelled 3 different ways.

Given the Choice of those 2, I think my choice is obvious.


At least its not Schkylar.



disclaimer: Should Mrs M so choose to go with Ayden, prooving she indeed wears the pants in the household, iowanian will deny any posts relating to the issue and inform Markand MrsM that Ayden is an excellent selection....to their face.

Bob Dole
01-30-2004, 10:52 AM
Dear Dr. I,

A really annoying female keeps calling me. I'm not sure how many times she called last night, but judging from the length of the messages, and the timestamps on them, I think she was calling, bitching at my voicemail for a few minutes, hanging up, then immediately calling back to leave the next bitchy message.

My question is, how can I make this retarded bitch forget my phone number? To go even further, is it possible to make her forget she's ever met me? This is really quite irritating. Plus, it's difficult to get laid at the bar when the whole night some girl is standing next to you bitching at you.

Bob Dole can't help it...the openings you offer are staggering...

"...make this retarded bitch forget my phone number?"

Evidently she's not as retarded as your usual "conquests."

"...make her forget she's ever met me?"

Why not use the same method you've used on every other living person?

"Plus, it's difficult to get laid at the bar when..."

Keep telling yourself that's the reason, Stuart Smalley.

Iowanian
01-30-2004, 10:57 AM
Dear Dr. I,

A really annoying female keeps calling me. I'm not sure how many times she called last night, but judging from the length of the messages, and the timestamps on them, I think she was calling, bitching at my voicemail for a few minutes, hanging up, then immediately calling back to leave the next bitchy message.

My question is, how can I make this retarded bitch forget my phone number? To go even further, is it possible to make her forget she's ever met me? This is really quite irritating. Plus, it's difficult to get laid at the bar when the whole night some girl is standing next to you bitching at you.

This is a common problem. I believe its caused by kissing them too good when you allow them to come around the first time. Its is double edged sword.

You should start by having your cell phone company block her number from your phone. You CAN make her forget she's ever met you, but it will take some sacrifice on your part. It involves you going home with her again(its important that it is her house)...and is followed by a well placed donkeypunch. Others may disapprove of that method, but it would be effective.

The other tactic I'd recommend is to kill her with kindness....Not the sincere kindness....the annoyingly, antagonistic kindness. In your best Eddie Haskell, in front of others(next time she approaches you in public) inform her that while you enjoyed your time with her initially, it just isn't going to work, and that you hope she finds someone that deserves her.

This should be followed up with a well placed rumor with a loudmouth. It should involve things like her poor personal hygiene, a curable STD, incorrect dosage of her mental health medication. If she continues....Its important that you bed her sister,best friend, or arch rival.

Talisman
01-30-2004, 11:00 AM
My question is, how can I make this retarded bitch forget my phone number? To go even further, is it possible to make her forget she's ever met me?

You could use one of these:

http://www.neweyestudio.com/ebe437.jpg

Just don't forget to put your sunglasses on first.

Bob Dole
01-30-2004, 11:53 AM
The least you could do is offer some advice along with your insults, asshole.

Not Bob Dole's job.

That would be why it's called "Ask Iowanian" instead of "Ask Bob Dole."

siberian khatru
01-30-2004, 11:56 AM
Dear Dr. I,

A really annoying female keeps calling me. I'm not sure how many times she called last night, but judging from the length of the messages, and the timestamps on them, I think she was calling, bitching at my voicemail for a few minutes, hanging up, then immediately calling back to leave the next bitchy message.

My question is, how can I make this retarded bitch forget my phone number? To go even further, is it possible to make her forget she's ever met me? This is really quite irritating. Plus, it's difficult to get laid at the bar when the whole night some girl is standing next to you bitching at you.

Another dissatisfied customer.

If you don't shape up, the Consumer Products Safety Commission is going to recall that defective dick of yours.

siberian khatru
01-30-2004, 12:00 PM
ROFL I don't know why, but "defective dick" made me laugh out loud.

It's the allliteration -- a cheap tool used by us scribes. (Michael Michigan can tell you more about it.)

Bob Dole
01-30-2004, 12:03 PM
I especially appreciate that Dr. Iowanian's solution involved a donkey punch. That's the hallmark of good advice.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/download.php/1238/donkey+punch.wav

Iowanian
01-30-2004, 01:21 PM
Another dissatisfied customer.

If you don't shape up, the Consumer Products Safety Commission is going to recall that defective dick of yours.

This knowledge must come due to years of experience with your personal "affliction" discussed above? Get your recall notice last week?

Baby Lee
01-30-2004, 03:08 PM
When I saw that link, I thought, "Urban Dictionary? I gotta check that out." And I found this gem. http://www.urbandictionary.com/download.php/2408/milkshake.wav
Warm it up!

ROFL

SoCalRaider
01-30-2004, 06:31 PM
Originally Posted by Talisman
Dr I,

Sally is now twice Susan's age. In five years, Susan will be two years younger than Sally is now. Five years ago, Susan was seven years younger than Sally was. How old are they now?

Mathematically Challenged

Susan is 14 and Sally is 7.


:shake:

Sally is 14, Susan is 7 (just read the first sentence)

...Can't believe the great Dr. got worked by a second grade arithmetic problem... ROFL

ExtremeChief
01-30-2004, 06:53 PM
Dr. Iowanian,

I have a "friend" who lives in Houston. Being that far away was comforting since I knew he couldn't just drive up to my house on a whim. I have recently learned, however, that he is moving to KC which is only a 2 hour drive from my house. I kind of like living here, is moving my only option???

Logical
01-30-2004, 07:57 PM
As a wise man once said(and was suggested by Endelt). "spare the rod and spoil the broad"(hey! now there is a Iowani-copywrighted slogan to end posts with?.!"

You simply inform them that there are no Legos in Football. That isn't Jabba the Hutt on the Big Screen.....Its Ted Washington. If Taliswife hasn't invited them yet, you firmly say no, and offer to ease her discomfort with a naked halftime show. If she already has gone against the Kings wishes....Simply tell them the party was cancelled due to a new strain of that flu that is so prevelent in DesMoines. Nodouchabaggawatchafootball inmyhouseisitis Can be very very contagious.

If you allow this, the germ will fester. Next week, they'll be over to watch the American Idol marathon, and Taliwife will be replacing your Lifesize KC Helmet on the Mantle with some type of dried flowers.

Stop this now, or you'll soon find yourself painting their friggin house on the next episode of Trading Spaces.


Spare the Rod and Spoil the Broad


So Iowanian, now that you have no more plans for the Super Bowl, I have been asked to tell you a certain poster outside Dallas would like you to go his Super Bowl party. He only asks that you not bring Brideowanian.

Will you be going?

Iowanian
01-31-2004, 10:44 AM
:shake:

Sally is 14, Susan is 7 (just read the first sentence)

...Can't believe the great Dr. got worked by a second grade arithmetic problem... ROFL

Iowanian is awefully busy answering numerous world issues at any given time. Iowanian is allowed a mistake and in this case, the names were superimposed.


Why don't you ask Iowanian Whats wrong with the raiders and talking crap with a 4-12 record?

Skip Towne
01-31-2004, 12:02 PM
Dear Dr. Iowanian, I am having recurring nightmares where I dream I am as dumb as оо. I just go from one message board to another pissing people off. What could be causing this?

Iowanian
01-31-2004, 12:05 PM
Dr. Iowanian,

I have a "friend" who lives in Houston. Being that far away was comforting since I knew he couldn't just drive up to my house on a whim. I have recently learned, however, that he is moving to KC which is only a 2 hour drive from my house. I kind of like living here, is moving my only option???


I think there is a way around this without any drastic life changes. 2hrs away is still far enough to hide,unless he's been to your residence. This may be a good opportunity, before he has moved, to "tell" him that you've decided to accept that position with the Merchant Marines and will be moving to Salem.

You get to stay, and he thinks you're gone.

Logical.
As to your inquiry, I make it a practice to never attend a function without formal invitation. Its just rude, and in this case, wrong...because as it turns out, Ahm Not Ghey.

Iowanian
01-31-2004, 12:10 PM
Dear Dr. Iowanian, I am having recurring nightmares where I dream I am as dumb as оо. I just go from one message board to another pissing people off. What could be causing this?

Skip.
This is easily solved. Take comfort in the fact, that if you don't eat urinal cakes at Public Restrooms, its impossible for you to be a raider fan. My advice to make sure you sleep more soundly, and avoid unpleasant dreams, is to request that your special lady friend make sure and remove any excess Poison your body may have accumulated.

Its prescribed by your doctor.

Slayer Diablo
01-31-2004, 12:41 PM
Dr. Iowanian,

Landers and Phil couldn't help, so here I am. How do you get a dame out of the way? So many things going on and someone always happens to get in the way....any ideas on how to solve this?

---Frustrated in Florida

Iowanian
01-31-2004, 02:09 PM
Dr. Iowanian,

Landers and Phil couldn't help, so here I am. How do you get a dame out of the way? So many things going on and someone always happens to get in the way....any ideas on how to solve this?

---Frustrated in Florida

Here's to you, Mighty Wingman. You Take one for the team, so your bud-day can live the dream....Wiiing [ballpinch]mmaaHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAANN![/bp]

Slayer, I assume by what you're saying, is that you've finally cornered a girl who will let you within arm reach. Your problem is that her friend won't leave you alone with her, so you can work your Cool. Slayer. Fonzy moves on her?

You have finally reached an age where those childhood relationships that have grown, shall bear their fruit. Its time for your buddy to step up, and do what we men refer to as "taking out the cockblocker".

Your buddy/brother has to play fullback....and take out that obstacle.

PS...Have someone teach you how to put a condom on a banana....You may need that info in a couple of years.

munkey
01-31-2004, 02:28 PM
Dr. Iowanian,

I think my mother and grandmother have a case of :fart: and it seems to have gone on for quite sometime. I've mentioned Beano and GasX but keep getting the same response...."I don't smell anything OR must be the dog again". I'm sorry but woman or girls farting total makes me want to :Lin:.

The worst is they both just sit there and act like nothing happened. :mad:

It's like they enjoy it...:Lin:

Do I just avoid the old family get togethers or tell them how I really feel?

Thanks

Munkey

Iowanian
01-31-2004, 02:53 PM
Monkey....
It has been my experience that you are facing a common problem. Its an affliction that infects the majority of the female population. They often get it(like the carry on bag with a luggage purchase) the first time their aunt flow visits.....Female Flatualation denial syndrome.(FDS. You've seen the commercial)

Its a known fact though, that when no one else is in the car with them, women roll up the windows AND turn up the heat and flatulate to the point of irresponsible showing off. Its like when they get together to play cards, or have a "tupperware party"....They always take their shirts off and touch chests....Its like the Broads Secret handshake.

The only option I can offer is that its acceptable for you to let yourself go. No holding back in their company. You can fight the effects of female air pollution with scented candles(why do you think they have them), fragrant dried plants/flowers, and an air purification system.

Iowanian
02-02-2004, 02:45 PM
Phony gonfrequilizer impression, 1 time boi.

Talisman
02-03-2004, 08:28 AM
Dr. I,

Did the groundhog see his shadow yesterday? Are we in for more winter? Iowa winters suck and if that little freaker said there's going to be 6 more weeks of this crap, I'm going to hunt him down and mount his head over the fireplace.

Irate in Iowa

Iowanian
02-03-2004, 11:19 AM
Dr. I,

Did the groundhog see his shadow yesterday? Are we in for more winter? Iowa winters suck and if that little freaker said there's going to be 6 more weeks of this crap, I'm going to hunt him down and mount his head over the fireplace.

Irate in Iowa

Unfortunately, the fat Ground Oppossum indeed saw his shadow. Being that overweight, how could he not, I saw the shadow in Iowania, and at first thought it was cloudcover, or a partial eclipse.

Expect winter to last at least another 6 weeks, with no spring weather, until after I return from my trip to the Caribean. During that time, ending in early March, I expect temperatures in this region to be near zero.

If you do happen to get Puxatony Phill, on the Talis-grill....I would recommend you follow the cooking instructions used on the Bandits of the forest, the raccoon. Drain the fat 3 times and it will be acceptable and palatable, and will meet your Atkins requirements.

Talisman
02-03-2004, 11:55 AM
Being that overweight, how could he not, I saw the shadow in Iowania, and at first thought it was cloudcover, or a partial eclipse.
Oh, the groundhog Phil. All that huge shadow talk had me thinking about another Phil I know...

Iowanian
02-10-2004, 01:37 PM
Iowanian Asks the readers.

Readers with extensive knowledge of dogs and those with strong opinion needed.

What is YOUR opinion/input on the need/value of neutering of a male dog? 9month old Yellow Lab male.....Pet/bird dog

Does it make them a "better/worse" dog(pet/hunting)

Trying to decide If Truman will be Singing Barry White or Vince Gill.

seclark
02-10-2004, 01:45 PM
not too sure about males, but i have all my female labs neutered. my cousin in columbia is a vet, and does all the work on my labs, and just neutered my lab pup saturday.

ill give her a call and ask her opinion.
sec

ndbbm
02-10-2004, 01:50 PM
Unfortunately, the fat Ground Oppossum indeed saw his shadow. Being that overweight, how could he not, I saw the shadow in Iowania, and at first thought it was cloudcover, or a partial eclipse.

Expect winter to last at least another 6 weeks, with no spring weather, until after I return from my trip to the Caribean. During that time, ending in early March, I expect temperatures in this region to be near zero.

If you do happen to get Puxatony Phill, on the Talis-grill....I would recommend you follow the cooking instructions used on the Bandits of the forest, the raccoon. Drain the fat 3 times and it will be acceptable and palatable, and will meet your Atkins requirements.

Oddly enough, Punxatawny isn't too far from where I'm at....They throw a HUGE bash every year for it, but I personally, have never gone.

seclark
02-11-2004, 07:58 AM
Iowanian Asks the readers.

Readers with extensive knowledge of dogs and those with strong opinion needed.

What is YOUR opinion/input on the need/value of neutering of a male dog? 9month old Yellow Lab male.....Pet/bird dog

Does it make them a "better/worse" dog(pet/hunting)

Trying to decide If Truman will be Singing Barry White or Vince Gill.

iowa...according to my vet: "neutered males are not distracted by the bitches in season and tend to keep their mind on the task at hand."

9months is an excellent time to have it done.
sec

Talisman
02-11-2004, 08:20 AM
"neutered males are not distracted by the bitches in season and tend to keep their mind on the task at hand."
Don't tell my wife this... :eek:

Iowanian
02-11-2004, 09:34 AM
Thanks ever so much Sec.....I'll be sure to have my marketing department assistant ship you a box of whatever janky product We're pimping at the moment.

Maybe you'll be lucky and its Lavitra and Enzyte this month.

Thanks.

Hello Truman,
Goodbye Taters.

seclark
02-11-2004, 09:59 AM
Thanks ever so much Sec.....I'll be sure to have my marketing department assistant ship you a box of whatever janky product We're pimping at the moment.

Maybe you'll be lucky and its Lavitra and Enzyte this month.

Thanks.

Hello Truman,
Goodbye Taters.
i'll give the enzyte a shot...and i suggest you allow truman one last leg-hunch before the snip.
sec

Iowanian
03-29-2004, 01:34 PM
There is nothing else going on......and I could use the vent.

Lzen
03-29-2004, 01:46 PM
not too sure about males, but i have all my female labs neutered.....

If your vet is neutering your females, I think you may have a problem. ROFL

Iowanian
03-29-2004, 02:50 PM
DDI,

Why is it I can never think of anything good to ask you?

Dearest Endelt.

It pains me to be the bearer of bad news, but if you look back on your childhood, the answer may reveal itself.

What color of reading cards did you get sent to for exercises in early elementary? Brown huh...... Level 3 isn't the best, even though it requires more fingers to reach that number on your hand.

Maybe you're just not that clever?

The difference is, I blame your teachers for not building your esteme to a level to initiate stimulation of creative thought.

I recommend that you file a lawsuit against your local school district, pronto. You're being robbed of your classification, showing your disability. Your inalliable right to collect compensation, for sitting on your free couch is due you ASAP.

Iowanian
03-29-2004, 03:12 PM
Deductive reasoning my dear watson.

You live in an area, habitated mostly by two groups from our census blocks. Retired elderly, and college students. It makes sense that both of those two groups would have abnormal numbers of persons, with nocternal bladder control issues. It therefor makes sense, that one could find multiple oportunities for furniture that may have been "soiled" in one way or another.

By using my deductive reasoning skills, and realizing that you are a man of oportunity, it makes sense that you would take advantage of fine furniture, a couple squirts of Fabreese, and enjoy affordable lazyboy Comfort.

Talisman
03-29-2004, 05:54 PM
Dr. Iowanian,

What's a good way of getting back at my employer for shutting off the Planet at work. Keep in mind I'd like to keep my job, but they took my crack and they need to pay.

Jonesing in Johnston

Iowanian
03-29-2004, 05:59 PM
Talisman.....Its obvious you work for a bastard.

Its only right that you begin to embezzle money. Until you develop a master plan, I recommend allowing yourself an extra week of paid vacation per year.

How you ask? Simple. Pooping 20 minutes per day on the clock, 5 days per week, 50 weeks per year....

If you can get into the boss' private comode.....This is call for an "upper decker".

Iowanian
03-30-2004, 12:15 PM
No place hops like Sonic.

Raiderhater
03-30-2004, 12:57 PM
Deductive reasoning my dear watson.

You live in an area, habitated mostly by two groups from our census blocks. Retired elderly, and college students. It makes sense that both of those two groups would have abnormal numbers of persons, with nocternal bladder control issues. It therefor makes sense, that one could find multiple oportunities for furniture that may have been "soiled" in one way or another.

By using my deductive reasoning skills, and realizing that you are a man of oportunity, it makes sense that you would take advantage of fine furniture, a couple squirts of Fabreese, and enjoy affordable lazyboy Comfort.


This guy has to be one of the wittiest people I have ever come across.

ZepSinger
03-30-2004, 01:03 PM
Dr. Iowanian- my hometown is Britt, Iowa. So yes, I am a native Iowan. Will the shame and humilation of this fact ever go away? I mean, has it for you?
Thanks so much in advance-
ZS

Raiderhater
03-30-2004, 01:14 PM
He's smart, too.

Course, that's not exactly how I got the couches. Back when I was in high school (yes, I said high school), a woman my mom worked with bought some new couches. She asked Mom if Dad would haul her old ones to the dump for her. Dad, never one to be wasteful, hauled them to our garage instead. I've had them ever since.

One spent a few years with me a the H. Roe Bartle Scout Reservation while I was on staff. The other spent a few years in the Delta Tau Delta fraternity house. They're both filthy as hell, and beat to shit, but, like I keep telling Mom when she tells me to buy new ones... they keep my ass off the floor.


There are plenty of places to sit at the bar, gotta keep the beer money for beer. I know how your mind works...

...and it scares the hell out of me.

Iowanian
03-30-2004, 01:22 PM
Dr. Iowanian- my hometown is Britt, Iowa. So yes, I am a native Iowan. Will the shame and humilation of this fact ever go away? I mean, has it for you?
Thanks so much in advance-
ZS

Britt, IA used to be a HS wrestling powerhouse...thats about all I know of your home town.

Iowania is a great place.

This question was a little above my capabilities, so I decided to ask GOD what he had to say to someone that wasn't proud to be an Iowanian.

His reply was simple, and to the point.

Raiderhater
03-30-2004, 01:23 PM
Not to mention the sentimental value. Much sex has been had on those couches. Every once in awhile I chuckle to myself when I see someone sitting on one and think of all the various bodily fluids that have been absorbed by the cushion under their ass.



Note to self, refrain from sitting on Brian's couches if you ever find yourself at his place.

Iowanian
03-30-2004, 01:26 PM
This guy has to be one of the wittiest people I have ever come across.

You come accross guys? Gross.

For the record....No one has ever come accross this guy.


Delt...the springs on those couches are surely poking through..besides you're probably ready to move up to the Full size. In earlier posts, you mentioned you were cutting back on bar visits, thereby saving a potload of mon-ay. In 3 months, You could probably save enough to buy yourself a new set.

I've recently had to give up on my favorite college chair and couch, as they were deemed un-fit for human habitation by new middle management in my organization. giving up that old Pleather man-chair was a difficult thing to do, but the new reclining faux-Lazy boy is fabulous.

Raiderhater
03-30-2004, 01:29 PM
Eh, I'd just lie and tell you I bought new ones. :D


I have a feeling the worn and dirty look would give away the truth.

Raiderhater
03-30-2004, 01:32 PM
You come accross guys? Gross.

For the record....No one has ever come accross this guy.


Delt...the springs on those couches are surely poking through..besides you're probably ready to move up to the Full size. In earlier posts, you mentioned you were cutting back on bar visits, thereby saving a potload of mon-ay. In 3 months, You could probably save enough to buy yourself a new set.

I've recently had to give up on my favorite college chair and couch, as they were deemed un-fit for human habitation by new middle management in my organization. giving up that old Pleather man-chair was a difficult thing to do, but the new reclining faux-Lazy boy is fabulous.


I do not know how to respond, so I will not try.

Iowanian
03-30-2004, 01:32 PM
Rh....I'd think the fact that when you stand up, feeling the velcro let go of your pants, only to look down and recall that there IS NO velcro on your pants....would be the only required clue.

I recommend following the code of Nurses that do home visits. Always put your belongings up on a clear table or chair, and only sit on wooden chairs.

Raiderhater
03-30-2004, 01:43 PM
You don't know what color these couches originally were.

If the people coming over to my house had any idea, I doubt any of them would sit down.



I do have an idea, so I would not be sitting down. Infact, it might be better if I were to simply not set foot in the residence period.

Does not matter, I just talked to my dad and found out I will not be in Pheonix the first week of June. This morning it looked like a possibility. Hell, I was going to come a week earlier and celebrate my birthday out there.

Raiderhater
03-30-2004, 01:46 PM
Rh....I'd think the fact that when you stand up, feeling the velcro let go of your pants, only to look down and recall that there IS NO velcro on your pants....would be the only required clue.

I recommend following the code of Nurses that do home visits. Always put your belongings up on a clear table or chair, and only sit on wooden chairs.


Good policy in most instances. Though I wonder if it would make much difference at Endo's place.........

Raiderhater
03-30-2004, 01:52 PM
Haha. Man, now I've scared Jamie out of my home completely.


Probably best for both of us. I do not have to worry about getting sticky substances all over myself and you do not have to worry about me drinking your beer.

Raiderhater
03-30-2004, 02:00 PM
Bah. Boozer was in town last week. He already drank all my beer.



Well I am working off the assumption that you do restock.

Iowanian
03-30-2004, 02:02 PM
Jamie.....you need to rethink what you just said.

BYOB.....you'll have to remember that Endelt's best pickup line is probably [butthead laugh]Heeey-a-bebee, got 5 buckth I can bor-row for a 12 pack?"

Raiderhater
03-30-2004, 02:05 PM
Jamie.....you need to rethink what you just said.

BYOB.....you'll have to remember that Endelt's best pickup line is probably [butthead laugh]Heeey-a-bebee, got 5 buckth I can bor-row for a 12 pack?"



You are probably right.


This thread really does have all the answers.

HarryParatestes
03-30-2004, 02:41 PM
Dear Dr Iowanian,


Why is it that most women I go out with will spend a good portion ( or about ALL ) of our first date talking about her ( abusive/neglectful/inconsiderate/alcoholic/workoholic/cheating/etc/etc)
ex-husband or boyfriend?

When I try to steer the conversation to something else, eventually the worst offenders will find a way to drag "him" back to the front page.


How would you handle this situation?


p.s. Unless I score that night the chick does NOT get a second date.

Iowanian
03-30-2004, 03:21 PM
Dear Dr Iowanian,


Why is it that most women I go out with will spend a good portion ( or about ALL ) of our first date talking about her ( abusive/neglectful/inconsiderate/alcoholic/workoholic/cheating/etc/etc)
ex-husband or boyfriend?

When I try to steer the conversation to something else, eventually the worst offenders will find a way to drag "him" back to the front page.


How would you handle this situation?


p.s. Unless I score that night the chick does NOT get a second date.

Spare the Rod and spoil the broad.

At this point in the date, its acceptable to ask the lady how many ears she has?2 How many Mouths does she have? 1...thats right....thats so she can listen. Remind her how pretty she looks, and that you don't want to spoil the "chemistry" you're feeling with words.

At this point, you have 2 options. Interupt her every time she strays off topic, ask her questions that pre-date the boy-toy(childhood, family, vacations). Counter with stories about your family relationships, that you're close to your mother, sister et al.

If this fails, your next alternative is simple. Every time she mentions the former boyfriend...Interupt and insert your own story of Conquer and plunder of the Anderson Twins, and any other penthouse story(that wouldn't be told by frequilizer) that you can think of.....she'll either be offended and leave, or get hormonally out of control, and climb the watertower, while carrying a 12 pack out on County Road 2, and let you violate her on the catwalk at 300'.

Wile_E_Coyote
03-31-2004, 02:24 AM
when a person masturbates they are having same sex, sex. Does this make eveyone who abuses themselves homosexual?

~please anwser soon
thank you

Iowanian
03-31-2004, 08:56 AM
when a person masturbates they are having same sex, sex. Does this make eveyone who abuses themselves homosexual?

~please anwser soon
thank you

This is not a problem, if you've given su manos female names.

hAndrea and Jill(hold your right hand up, palm away) are good selections.

Iowanian
04-15-2004, 02:44 PM
Iowanian asks you!

Anyone have any experience with a stationary mouse with a thumb roller(for carpel tunnel prevention)? Do you like them? Which brand would you use?

Bob Dole
04-15-2004, 03:08 PM
OK Baldy.

Velvet_Jones
04-15-2004, 04:09 PM
Dr I,

Is it normal for a proctologist to put both hands on the back of your shoulders when he is examining you? Are the examination gowns normally this lacy?

Thanks

Iowanian
04-15-2004, 04:32 PM
Dr I,

Is it normal for a proctologist to put both hands on the back of your shoulders when he is examining you? Are the examination gowns normally this lacy?

Thanks

How many times do I have to tell you not to go to old strip mall doctor offices, that you find through an ad stapled to a phone pole?

I'm sorry Velvet....but I think you were given the ole Denver 3rd thumb.


It doesn't make you ghey, unless you go back for those weekly appointments.

Iowanian
08-24-2004, 05:40 PM
Thats a good question End.....I think there are some standard factory answers, which I'll try to show in a link at the end of my reply.

I feel that the proper answer depends on where you live, the conditions in which you drive among other things. If you drive on the Hwy or in the city, it would last longer than if you spend time on rural Gravel roads.

The Life expectancy of the filter isn't really the same for everyone. Short trips, harsh climates, pulling loads and other environmental factors would warrent replacing of all filters more often.

I try to pull the Air filter out of our vehicles every couple of oil changes,and "blow them out" with an air hose. A clean air filter helps your truck run better, and will improve performance and Gas mileage. I suppose I change mine every 5-6 oil changes.....around 15k miles.

Check the experts at
http://www.fram.com/

ROYC75
08-24-2004, 05:47 PM
Dear I,

The Chiefs need a MLB. They have this kid named Rich Scanlon that looks great against 2nd and 3rd string defense. Is there a cahnce he will see 1st string action next game since Mitchellis possible out ?

Roy
President of the Scanlon for MLb Club !

Skip Towne
08-24-2004, 05:52 PM
Or you can take the air filter out altogether. That way you get a free Oklahoma bore job.

RealSNR
08-24-2004, 05:55 PM
Dear Dr. Iowanian:

My mom was recently robbed while she was sleeping. She now wants "revenge" and will do anything she can to prevent furthur break-ins, including buying a firearm to protect herself. She'll be living alone with her husband in the country in a couple years, and she finds this new security very important.

She's kind of weak, and has some shoulder pain. Because of this, I advised against a shotgun, but a smaller handgun might deliver too powerful of a kickback. What would you recommend?

Iowanian
08-24-2004, 06:02 PM
Dear I,

The Chiefs need a MLB. They have this kid named Rich Scanlon that looks great against 2nd and 3rd string defense. Is there a cahnce he will see 1st string action next game since Mitchellis possible out ?

Roy
President of the Scanlon for MLb Club !

While I'm no expert on the team, I am an avid fan. Considering the Short week before the next game, the injuries to Maslowski and possible injury to Mitchell, I think its highly probable that you'll get your chance to see Scanlon play alot, if not start.

If Mitchell isn't seriously injured, I think he'll play because he really needs the reps if he's going to be a long term sollution at MLB(at least this year). Scanlon will likely see reps with the first Unit........at least he would if I were coaching with 4 days to a game.

Whomever it is, will hear me cheering through the TV, Putting Big Medicine their direction to Knock Kellen Whineslow III out of his shoes.......complete with snot bubbles.

ROYC75
08-24-2004, 06:04 PM
While I'm no expert on the team, I am an avid fan. Considering the Short week before the next game, the injuries to Maslowski and possible injury to Mitchell, I think its highly probable that you'll get your chance to see Scanlon play alot, if not start.

If Mitchell isn't seriously injured, I think he'll play because he really needs the reps if he's going to be a long term sollution at MLB(at least this year). Scanlon will likely see reps with the first Unit........at least he would if I were coaching with 4 days to a game.

Whomever it is, will hear me cheering through the TV, Putting Big Medicine their direction to Knock Kellen Whineslow III out of his shoes.......complete with snot bubbles.

Thanks Dr. I .

BTW, it's going to suck this week not getting to watch it until Monday night ! :banghead:

Calcountry
08-24-2004, 06:04 PM
My penis doesn't fit in my pants anymore . Should I just let it hang out?

So, are you trying to say that Enzyte works???

I heard Delt has a bottle for 39.95.

Iowanian
08-24-2004, 06:06 PM
Dear Dr. Iowanian:

My mom was recently robbed while she was sleeping. She now wants "revenge" and will do anything she can to prevent furthur break-ins, including buying a firearm to protect herself. She'll be living alone with her husband in the country in a couple years, and she finds this new security very important.

She's kind of weak, and has some shoulder pain. Because of this, I advised against a shotgun, but a smaller handgun might deliver too powerful of a kickback. What would you recommend?

Your mom needs to adopt the basics of Rural security. A Security Light in the driveway, a motion light on her garage or home, and a dog........Blue Heelers are excellent farm dogs....tough, loyal to their owners, and protective of their Turf.

Normally, I'd recommend a firearm...however, if she's not prepared and practiced, that could be a poor decision. A reasonable caliber firearm can be purchased, locked up, until she has been properly trained in safety, handling and using it.......and practiced at a range until she is comfortable enough to load it and be ready to use it in the dark. A 9mm makes a loud BANG! and doesn't kick too hard.

In the mean time....Photoshop a picture of a large Bull Scrotum over a target..........Shoot the center of it a couple of times with a shotgun and write the words

"SNR Mom's Name Security System Activated!".....place one on each entrance and on the garage/shed door....

Calcountry
08-24-2004, 06:07 PM
Dr. I,

I have this obsession to buy some plane tickets to watch a football game at Arrowhead, should I spend the money on myself, or am I being selfish with it and should spend it on Christmas for my wife?

Skip Towne
08-24-2004, 06:07 PM
While I'm no expert on the team, I am an avid fan. Considering the Short week before the next game, the injuries to Maslowski and possible injury to Mitchell, I think its highly probable that you'll get your chance to see Scanlon play alot, if not start.

If Mitchell isn't seriously injured, I think he'll play because he really needs the reps if he's going to be a long term sollution at MLB(at least this year). Scanlon will likely see reps with the first Unit........at least he would if I were coaching with 4 days to a game.

Whomever it is, will hear me cheering through the TV, Putting Big Medicine their direction to Knock Kellen Whineslow III out of his shoes.......complete with snot bubbles.
Snot bubbles........YES!!!

Iowanian
08-24-2004, 06:13 PM
Dr. I,

I have this obsession to buy some plane tickets to watch a football game at Arrowhead, should I spend the money on myself, or am I being selfish with it and should spend it on Christmas for my wife?

Buy a very large suitcase..........Explain to your wife that you are taking her on a "suprise" trip and zip her up.....check her in, and use the saved airfare on her ticket, and your beer, nachos and Braut at the game.

Duh.


OOOOOOOOOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait until you know a weekend that she has some event(bridal shower, bachelorette part-ah etc.....something she won't miss)..........show "disappointment" that she can't join you(but not TOO much mind you, or she'll come along)...............Come to the game without her, and hit the Juggies Joint the night before the game, lose your shirt so you won't smell like cotton candy and Clove cigarettes......

Yeah.......do that one.

Calcountry
08-24-2004, 06:15 PM
Buy a very large suitcase..........Explain to your wife that you are taking her on a "suprise" trip and zip her up.....check her in, and use the saved airfare on her ticket, and your beer, nachos and Braut at the game.

Duh.


OOOOOOOOOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait until you know a weekend that she has some event(bridal shower, bachelorette part-ah etc.....something she won't miss)..........show "disappointment" that she can't join you(but not TOO much mind you, or she'll come along)...............Come to the game without her, and hit the Juggies Joint the night before the game, lose your shirt so you won't smell like cotton candy and Clove cigarettes......

Yeah.......do that one.
I like the second one better. :p Does it matter what I like Dr. I, Or should I be more SENS i tive to those arround me??

Iowanian
08-24-2004, 06:19 PM
bunny.......Finish this statement..

SPARE ____________________________!


jeesh.

Skip Towne
08-25-2004, 09:58 AM
Dear Dr. Iowanian, my friend posts on this message board and he keeps having delusions of grandeur. He continually asserts that this midget is going to win the Heisman Trophy. All his friends have tried to help him by pointing out the fallacy of this notion. Is there anything you can do to help him?

Iowanian
08-25-2004, 10:32 AM
Dear Dr. Iowanian, my friend posts on this message board and he keeps having delusions of grandeur. He continually asserts that this midget is going to win the Heisman Trophy. All his friends have tried to help him by pointing out the fallacy of this notion. Is there anything you can do to help him?

Mr Towne,

There really isn't much of anything that can be done, I'm afraid. I'm sure that fans of the non-Hawkeye Afflicted team mean well, and are good people. Just take comfort in the fact that the same fan also more than likely argued that Michael Bishop was the next McNabb and could read.

htismaqe
08-25-2004, 10:48 AM
Just take comfort in the fact that the same fan also more than likely argued that Michael Bishop was the next McNabb and could read.

ROFL

yunghungwell
01-13-2005, 03:09 PM
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=2217588

This got me thinking.

I have heard that when you poo, the poo should float in the bowl. If it floats then you are eating a healthy diet and whatnot.

Personally, I have not had a "floater" in months. I can't even recall when the last time was.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is, "Am I going to die?"

YHW

beavis
01-13-2005, 03:11 PM
So, I guess what I am trying to say is, "Am I going to die?"
The survival rate for everyone drops to zero on a long enough timeline.

Mr. Kotter
01-13-2005, 03:15 PM
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=2217588

This got me thinking.

I have heard that when you poo, the poo should float in the bowl. If it floats then you are eating a healthy diet and whatnot.

Personally, I have not had a "floater" in months. I can't even recall when the last time was.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is, "Am I going to die?"

YHW


I'll handle this one, Iowanian.

More fiber, man: :thumb:

If not, this will help:

siberian khatru
01-13-2005, 03:17 PM
Dear Iowanian:

Where can I get some mother****ing pie?

Sincerely,
Not A Combat Veteran

Mr. Kotter
01-13-2005, 03:19 PM
Dear Iowanian:

Where can I get some mother****ing pie?

Sincerely,
Not A Combat Veteran

How about some "Dixie" pie? (Pecan, with chocolate chips, and caramel?) :hmmm:

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 03:24 PM
http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?p=2217588

This got me thinking.

I have heard that when you poo, the poo should float in the bowl. If it floats then you are eating a healthy diet and whatnot.

Personally, I have not had a "floater" in months. I can't even recall when the last time was.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is, "Am I going to die?"

YHW

Dear mr Dungwell,
It should be noted that while I am an accomplished Dumper of Loads, I don't often make note of thier consistency, elasticity, composition*hey look, Corn* firmness, texture and floatablility..........I have an idea.

After consulting your brotherinlaw it has come to my attention that if your head weren't jammed so far up your above the rim of your prostate that you can taste your liver, the compaction rate of your Dung would decrease, and when combined with enough roughage, your movement should return to normal.

As for dieing, I'm guessing your family already thinks it smells like you did.

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 03:27 PM
Dear Iowanian:

Where can I get some mother****ing pie?

Sincerely,
Not A Combat Veteran

I'm sorry SIberian,
Due to war rationing, in effort to make sure the figting men have enough Hostess Apple, Cherry, Blueberry, and chocolate cream pies, you don't have enough stamps to attain Pie at this time.

I am told, that if you were to take $50 down to Troost and Admiral, and ask "skinny wanda" for "a game of billiards" you can get a half knappy pie to get you through the Pie Tin shortage.

ChiTown
01-13-2005, 03:36 PM
Dear Eyeohwayneeanne:

Ay'm en kneed uf a goode speil cheker? Annie segestionz?

Sinseerly,

KCNUT

Mr. Kotter
01-13-2005, 03:44 PM
Deaarr Iiowwwanian:

Sumtimezs wheheheen I havvve a "'bevveraaaaage" or two at nighhhtt. I ppppossst stupiddd (Realllly stuuupidd!) ssttuffff onn thhhhe Planet. Whhhatt shoulllddd I doo?

Roob

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 03:47 PM
Deaarr Iiowwwanian:

Sumtimezs wheheheen I havvve a "'bevveraaaaage" or two at nighhhtt. I ppppossst stupiddd (Realllly stuuupidd!) ssttuffff onn thhhhe Planet. Whhhatt shoulllddd I doo?

Roob

After Dinner tonight, glue your fingers on your most dexterous hand to your unit. They're there half the night anyway, pudwhacker.

This way, even if impaired, you'll have to type with 1 hand, which is uncoorinated, and posters won't be subjected to abundances of words.

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 03:48 PM
Dear Eyeohwayneeanne:

Ay'm en kneed uf a goode speil cheker? Annie segestionz?

Sinseerly,

KCNUT


The Keyboard of Doom has a BEEE-A-Uty of a picture to insert here.

See more, after these messages at 5pm.

Chief Henry
01-13-2005, 04:06 PM
Dear Iowanian,

Kim Cattrall really does it for me. Ever since
that howling locker room scene in Porkys, its been like a fantasy of mine to get my wife in any locker room. Got any ideas/stories from your old wrestling days to help me out.



Barkin 'n' howlin

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 04:12 PM
Dear Iowanian,

Kim Cattrall really does it for me. Ever since
that howling locker room scene in Porkys, its been like a fantasy of mine to get my wife in any locker room. Got any ideas/stories from your old wrestling days to help me out.



Barkin 'n' howlin

Henry,
Unfortunately, I never had an oportunity to have a go at Mrs Henry in a locker room while in HS. Surrounded by neked guys puts anything of a reproductive nature pretty far on the back burner of the Iowani-mind.

I do probably have an old jock, some stale socks and a singlet, and could leave some wet towels and gym clothes in a basket for a month, if you'd like to borrow them to put in your rubber room to set the aura

Chief Henry
01-13-2005, 04:20 PM
Henry,
Unfortunately, I never had an oportunity to have a go at Mrs Henry in a locker room while in HS. Surrounded by neked guys puts anything of a reproductive nature pretty far on the back burner of the Iowani-mind.

I do probably have an old jock, some stale socks and a singlet, and could leave some wet towels and gym clothes in a basket for a month, if you'd like to borrow them to put in your rubber room to set the aura


I need a little more of a visual, what color is the singlet ???

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 04:38 PM
Henry..........Just put Visionquest up on the Bigscreen. If you want her to howl like Catrell.......Maybe try lighting her sock on fire when she's not looking.

stumppy
01-13-2005, 04:52 PM
Dear Iowanian,

I have a somewhat sensitive problem. It's my name. People are always saying things like " stumppy ??? did your wife name you that ?

How can I let everyone know it's just a nickname, just like Tiny is a nickname for a 6' 6'' , 350 lb. man ?
Should I have my enormous unit measured, weighed, and officially certified as OMG huge ? Then show my Unit Certificate to anyone who makes a demeaning remark about my manhood ? Which brings up another question. Where do I carry the certificate ? Folded up in my wallet ? Or should I have it framed with a chain attached so I can hang it on my unit ?
Or, should I just take a picture of it and use that as my avitar ?


Awaiting your reply with digital camera in hand,

stumppy

stumppy
01-13-2005, 04:58 PM
I'd like to take this opportunity to vote AGAINST this option.

Thank you.
ROFL

I'd like to show you all something I'm very proud of. You people in the front row are gonna have to move back.

RedNFeisty
01-13-2005, 05:01 PM
Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally Posted by stumppy
Or, should I just take a picture of it and use that as my avitar ?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I'd like to take this opportunity to vote AGAINST this option.

Thank you.

Since guys are always sporting boobies, why not have stumppy, plant his there. :hmmm:

stevieray
01-13-2005, 05:11 PM
ROFL

I'd like to show you all something I'm very proud of. You people in the front row are gonna have to move back.

Robin Williams.

stumppy
01-13-2005, 05:15 PM
Robin Williams.

One of my favorites.
rbrbrr
ROFL

bogie
01-13-2005, 05:27 PM
I have a serious question. I have a Remington Model 700 bolt action 30-06. I want to put a scope on it. But I also want to be able to use open sites. What brand of scope do you recommend the can be mounted so I can site through or under the scope?

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 06:12 PM
Dear Iowanian,

I have a somewhat sensitive problem. It's my name. People are always saying things like " stumppy ??? did your wife name you that ?

How can I let everyone know it's just a nickname, just like Tiny is a nickname for a 6' 6'' , 350 lb. man ?
Should I have my enormous unit measured, weighed, and officially certified as OMG huge ? Then show my Unit Certificate to anyone who makes a demeaning remark about my manhood ? Which brings up another question. Where do I carry the certificate ? Folded up in my wallet ? Or should I have it framed with a chain attached so I can hang it on my unit ?
Or, should I just take a picture of it and use that as my avitar ?


Awaiting your reply with digital camera in hand,

stumppy

First and formost, so as not to Kill the Iowani-column potential...do NOT post a pic. Posters will just continue to have the mental image of a naked Mini-me(not *me*...the dwarf on vh1).

Tell them the Stump refers to the Girth not the length. Iowanian wasn't called "foldiers" in College because he smelled like coffee grounds, but rather resembled the container.

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 06:18 PM
Bogie,

While I don't really know the answer to your question, others on the board Might.

You can find your answer quickly by posting your question on this forum
http://www.thefiringline.com/forums/archive/index.php/f-3-p-65.html

PastorMikH
01-13-2005, 06:52 PM
I have a serious question. I have a Remington Model 700 bolt action 30-06. I want to put a scope on it. But I also want to be able to use open sites. What brand of scope do you recommend the can be mounted so I can site through or under the scope?



I guess my first question is why? With a variable-powered scope, you can get some decent brush hunting quickness with low powers and have all of the long-range potential that a 30-06 should deliver.

You can get the see through scope mounts. My grandfather had some of these on his 30-30 and they put the scope up so high that it was really uncomfortable when trying to site with the scope.

That said, Weaver makes a pivot mount that will allow the scope to be hinged to the side allowing the shooter to use the iron sights. My dad bought a .308 one time that had this style on it. I got to carry the gun and the mounts did a decent job of staying true. One draw back though was if you didn't get the scope snapped all the way back into position, it would be off and you'd miss.


Seriously, I'd go for just getting a variable powered scope fitted with the appropriate sized bases so that you are comfortably looking through it when you pull the gun up. Then keep the scope on the low setting unless you need to zoom in on a long-range target. Once I got used to the scope, I don't have any trouble sighting in on a deer/coyote/whatever running through brush.

Mosbonian
01-13-2005, 07:03 PM
Dear Dr. I:

I have just started reading my new favorite column, but sadly it has now caused me a small problem....

You see, while reading the said column, I was caught with fits of insane laughter that caused me to spew soda all over my keyboard and monitor. Are there any suggestions as to how I can clean them without damaging them?

Sincerely,

mmaddog
********

bogie
01-13-2005, 07:37 PM
I guess my first question is why? With a variable-powered scope, you can get some decent brush hunting quickness with low powers and have all of the long-range potential that a 30-06 should deliver.

You can get the see through scope mounts. My grandfather had some of these on his 30-30 and they put the scope up so high that it was really uncomfortable when trying to site with the scope.

That said, Weaver makes a pivot mount that will allow the scope to be hinged to the side allowing the shooter to use the iron sights. My dad bought a .308 one time that had this style on it. I got to carry the gun and the mounts did a decent job of staying true. One draw back though was if you didn't get the scope snapped all the way back into position, it would be off and you'd miss.


Seriously, I'd go for just getting a variable powered scope fitted with the appropriate sized bases so that you are comfortably looking through it when you pull the gun up. Then keep the scope on the low setting unless you need to zoom in on a long-range target. Once I got used to the scope, I don't have any trouble sighting in on a deer/coyote/whatever running through brush.


I've never used a scope and you're exactly right, I'm concerned about that running shot. I've just always used open sites, but lately the old eyes just aint what they used to be. I will check in to a variable powered scope. Do you recommend a particular brand?

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 08:17 PM
Dear Dr. I:

I have just started reading my new favorite column, but sadly it has now caused me a small problem....

You see, while reading the said column, I was caught with fits of insane laughter that caused me to spew soda all over my keyboard and monitor. Are there any suggestions as to how I can clean them without damaging them?

Sincerely,

mmaddog
********

mmdog,

Its very unfortunate that you wasted good soda by spitting it out. The good news is that if the bulk of semen that is surely on that board, between yourself, and your teenage boys isn't sticking the keys down. You'll be alright.

Squirt some windex on a brawney towel and sop that muva up.

PastorMikH
01-13-2005, 08:47 PM
I've never used a scope and you're exactly right, I'm concerned about that running shot. I've just always used open sites, but lately the old eyes just aint what they used to be. I will check in to a variable powered scope. Do you recommend a particular brand?



You can get a Leupold VX-1 3-9 power for $200 from walmart (or from most other places too). It has a lifetime guarantee. Yes, you can buy a $50-$75 scope, but if you are going to do that, just save yourself the $, keep the iron sights and not have to deal with poor optics. I also have a Burris and a Weaver and would recomend them as well. Both are good scopes comparable (quality and price) to my Leupold, but I prefer my Leupold hands down. If you have the cash for more scope, I'd go for a Leupold VX-2 or even a Vari-X III. Once you've hunted with a quality scope you won't be able to go back. I cringe when I have to look though a friends cheap scope.

tommykat
01-13-2005, 09:22 PM
I gave you rep and not a thank you??? I take it back Martha...:banghead:

Someone give him rep or take it away so I can TAKE it away....heehee

Saulbadguy
01-13-2005, 09:23 PM
I heard you can shoot a cow in the FACE and it will live. Is that true?

PastorMikH
01-13-2005, 09:39 PM
I heard you can shoot a cow in the FACE and it will live. Is that true?



Depends on where you hit it.

PastorMikH
01-13-2005, 09:43 PM
I gave you rep and not a thank you??? I take it back Martha...:banghead:

Someone give him rep or take it away so I can TAKE it away....heehee



Who'd you give rep to? I don't see a Martha on here tonight. And you can't be talking to me because you haven't given me rep since 2003.:)



BTW, if you give positive rep to a couple other BB members, you should be able to do a neg rep.

Raiderhater
01-13-2005, 09:56 PM
Depends on where you hit it.


ROFL

Raiderhater
01-13-2005, 09:57 PM
Who'd you give rep to? I don't see a Martha on here tonight. And you can't be talking to me because you haven't given me rep since 2003.:)



BTW, if you give positive rep to a couple other BB members, you should be able to do a neg rep.


I think it got bumped up to 25 people.

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 10:45 PM
I heard you can shoot a cow in the FACE and it will live. Is that true?

Were you shooting it with your ManGoo? Gross.




It is true.

My family once had a cow that had a bad hip and was "down"..we fed it, medicated it, watered it, kept it in dry bedding in shelter. It developed an open sore, so it had to be put down. With a .22 revolver, I shot it between the eyes 6 times at Close range. Didn't die. Shot it through the ear with #7.

A family member was once a county sheriff and told a story of a call to a home with a "homicide". Upon arrival found a man, shot in the forehead 3 times. While watching the scene while another deputy searched the house for others, he was startled by a groan.

The man had attempted suicide. Had shot him self in the head with a .22, knocked unconcious, woke up...shot himself in the head..unconsious....woke up...shot himself in the head, knocked himself unconsious.....woke up with Company.

The Moral..........A .22, or small caliber high velocity round, at close range, will flatten on the skull, instead of penetrating. At 10', its deadly, point blank..not always.

Iowanian would not however recommend doing this as a party trick.

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 10:55 PM
I gave you rep and not a thank you??? I take it back Martha...:banghead:

Someone give him rep or take it away so I can TAKE it away....heehee

Are you seriously Begging Iowani-rep?!

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 10:57 PM
I think it got bumped up to 25 people.

While The Staff of "The Keyboard of Doom" find fanmail very nice, we'd appreciate it if you would refrain from sending any further pictures.

Frazod
01-13-2005, 10:59 PM
While The Staff of "The Keyboard of Doom" find fanmail very nice, we'd appreciate it if you would refrain from sending any further pictures.

I think Jamie's thinner than that.... ROFL

Skip Towne
01-13-2005, 11:11 PM
After Dinner tonight, glue your fingers on your most dexterous hand to your unit. They're there half the night anyway, pudwhacker.

This way, even if impaired, you'll have to type with 1 hand, which is uncoorinated, and posters won't be subjected to abundances of words.
:LOL: abundances :LOL:

Skip Towne
01-13-2005, 11:17 PM
Depends on where you hit it.
And what you shoot it with. A .22 won't kill it. A .357 magnum will.

PastorMikH
01-13-2005, 11:24 PM
And what you shoot it with. A .22 won't kill it. A .357 magnum will.


Actually, I watched a 1,000lb cow drop about as fast as you can snap your fingers once with a .22. Had one break a leg while we were working them and the neigbor put it down with one shot from a 22. He said you draw an x from from it's eyes to its ears and aim where the x crosses and they will drop every time.

Raiderhater
01-13-2005, 11:28 PM
I think Jamie's thinner than that.... ROFL



And less hair on my chest.

Iowanian
01-13-2005, 11:37 PM
Actually, I watched a 1,000lb cow drop about as fast as you can snap your fingers once with a .22. Had one break a leg while we were working them and the neigbor put it down with one shot from a 22. He said you draw an x from from it's eyes to its ears and aim where the x crosses and they will drop every time.

He's right about the "x"

He's wrong about Every Time. Don't stand too close.

PastorMikH
01-14-2005, 01:31 AM
He's right about the "x"

He's wrong about Every Time. Don't stand too close.


We were about 15 yards away. So we were definately out of the point-blank range.

Mr. Kotter
01-14-2005, 09:56 AM
He's right about the "x"

He's wrong about Every Time. Don't stand too close.

Question for you on behalf of Brian, Iowanian:

Does this also work with fat girls?

Saulbadguy
01-14-2005, 09:59 AM
Dear Dr IOWAIN,

Spider on the Orangemane recently admitted he had a 9th grade education on a thread. Is it wrong for me to laugh at that?

Iowanian
01-14-2005, 10:04 AM
Fortunately,Dispatching of the Obeise is out of the Realm of any Iowani-knowledge.

ROYC75
01-14-2005, 10:53 AM
Dear Iowanian,

I have a son of 20 yrs of age. He has met this girl on the internet and has set up a night of whatever he chooses ( in his words ). He has gone as far as wanting to house this girl for 3 nights and 3 days, all in the comforts of our house.

The wife and I balked at this and not to our suprised, he cried foul.

Are we at fault ?

Signed,
Confused with young'ns !

PastorMikH
01-14-2005, 10:57 AM
Dear Iowanian,

I have a son of 20 yrs of age. He has met this girl on the internet and has set up a night of whatever he chooses ( in his words ). He has gone as far as wanting to house this girl for 3 nights and 3 days, all in the comforts of our house.

The wife and I balked at this and not to our suprised, he cried foul.

Are we at fault ?

Signed,
Confused with young'ns !


I'm not the great Iowanian, but I'll throw my 2 cents worth in...


I guess me first question would be, will he be upping his rent check amount to cover essential costs of his guest for the time alloted? (I'm assuming at 20 yrs old he is paying rent to live at home)

The up side to her coming to your house is that you are able to supervise the stay and will be on hand to act as chaperones to make sure there's no hanky panky going on.

:)

ROYC75
01-14-2005, 11:02 AM
I'm not the great Iowanian, but I'll throw my 2 cents worth in...


I guess me first question would be, will he be upping his rent check amount to cover essential costs of his guest for the time alloted? (I'm assuming at 20 yrs old he is paying rent to live at home)

The up side to her coming to your house is that you are able to supervise the stay and will be on hand to act as chaperones to make sure there's no hanky panky going on.

:)

:hump: is what' on their minds, probally while we are gone tomorrow AM to our grandsons BB game.

Get this, he has never met the girl and the mother is OK with dropping her off while she shacks up with another guy for the weekend .

Times have changed since I was a kid ! :shake:

Saulbadguy
01-14-2005, 11:04 AM
:hump: is what' on their minds, probally while we are gone tomorrow AM to our grandsons BB game.

Get this, he has never met the girl and the mother is OK with dropping her off while she shacks up with another guy for the weekend .

Times have changed since I was a kid ! :shake:
Times haven't changed. I'm sure this sort of thing went on when you were younger, just not to you!

BTW, how old is the girl?

PastorMikH
01-14-2005, 11:04 AM
:hump: is what' on their minds, probally while we are gone tomorrow AM to our grandsons BB game.

Get this, he has never met the girl and the mother is OK with dropping her off while she shacks up with another guy for the weekend .

Times have changed since I was a kid ! :shake:



I can tell you this. My girls wouldn't be dropped off at a guy's house for the weekend.

Phobia
01-14-2005, 11:27 AM
:hump: is what' on their minds, probally while we are gone tomorrow AM to our grandsons BB game.

Get this, he has never met the girl and the mother is OK with dropping her off while she shacks up with another guy for the weekend .

Times have changed since I was a kid ! :shake:

I'm guessing Mom wants to get her cross-eyed, $400 a month grocery bill little princess knocked up and out of the house.

You better make sure III has a case of condoms and watch him put one on chubby. Don't watch him put it on a banana or his finger because that isn't gonna prevent grandchildren.

ROYC75
01-14-2005, 12:10 PM
Times haven't changed. I'm sure this sort of thing went on when you were younger, just not to you!

BTW, how old is the girl?

20 .........

I don't understand her Mom.... :shake:

Iowanian
01-14-2005, 12:14 PM
Dear Dr IOWAIN,

Spider on the Orangemane recently admitted he had a 9th grade education on a thread. Is it wrong for me to laugh at that?

The columnist is suprised and enthusiastic to hear this news, however he is not suprised. Spiduhr still exibits the written communication skills of a 4th grade dyslexic. While this information might be deemed useful the next time this person is talking about how dumb Chief fans are, it is probably your duty to encourage him to pursue a GED, so he can actually fill out a job application and legitimately seek employement.

RNR
01-14-2005, 12:15 PM
Dear Iowanian,

I have a son of 20 yrs of age. He has met this girl on the internet and has set up a night of whatever he chooses ( in his words ). He has gone as far as wanting to house this girl for 3 nights and 3 days, all in the comforts of our house.

The wife and I balked at this and not to our suprised, he cried foul.

Are we at fault ?

Signed,
Confused with young'ns !
To each their own, I would not allow it. Your son may get the shock of his life to find out he has been typing dirty with a fat 50 year old man :hmmm:

Iowanian
01-14-2005, 12:23 PM
Dear Iowanian,

I have a son of 20 yrs of age. He has met this girl on the internet and has set up a night of whatever he chooses ( in his words ). He has gone as far as wanting to house this girl for 3 nights and 3 days, all in the comforts of our house.

The wife and I balked at this and not to our suprised, he cried foul.

Are we at fault ?

Signed,
Confused with young'ns !

Iowanian's parental units always had the rule that "while under our roof,thy shall follow our rules". Those rules discouraged overnight stays by female counterparts, however they were welcomed to stay in another room, unless married.

Jr just has a chub you couldn't cut with a chainsaw with anticipation. I'd be apt to encourage the duckling to pursue dating activities, however I would be inclided to agree that it might not be a great idea, in this day and age to bring someone you don't know, into your home for 3 days.

Initially, It might be a fair compromise to offer 1 day and 1 night, under your rules. Additional nights, can be spent by 2 consenting adults in a hotel, which someone over 25 may have to rent(which is stoopid in mah opinion). Maybe let them stay in the camper out back so the boy can soak his stubbed pecker in cider.

You should probably talk with him about the possibilities of what he may find if/when he meets said "internet girl". Hot, Rational ladies of sound mind, who aren't looking for something don't cruise the net for 20 year old males who live at home. She might have a larger dong than he does.

Probably be cheaper and less hassle to take him to a juice bar for this education.

Phobia
01-14-2005, 12:43 PM
You should probably talk with him about the possibilities of what he may find if/when he meets said "internet girl". Hot, Rational ladies of sound mind, who aren't looking for something don't cruise the net for 20 year old males who live at home. She might have a larger dong than he does.

That's what scares me. Poor guy might be losing the wrong cherry.

Iowanian
01-14-2005, 12:49 PM
I think his head broke the hymen a long time ago..It shouldn't hurt him too much.

yunghungwell
01-14-2005, 12:51 PM
I'd be apt to encourage the duckling to pursue dating activities, however I would be inclided to agree that it might not be a great idea, in this day and age to bring someone you don't know, into your home for 3 days.

I have to agree. This "girl" might steal Jr's virginity and then proceed to steal anything of value that you have in your house.





Yung "My turds sink" HungWell

Saulbadguy
01-14-2005, 06:31 PM
20 .........

I don't understand her Mom.... :shake:
My parents wouldn't allow it, but i'm not a believer in what is good for me is what is good for your son. Of course I have no frame of reference. At age 18 I was out of the house already, and my parents didn't care after that. They just said they didn't want any Saul Jr's running around their house anytime soon.

Although...she is 20. He is 20. They should be able to scrape enough money together to meet halfway and get a Super 6 Sleep 'N Fvck and a couple of meals. I would say "not in my house." Not because my parents said it, but because:

A) I would not want to hear or see my parents doing the nasty. I don't like to think about it.

B) I would offer them the same courtesy they offered me.

The end.

Phobia
01-14-2005, 07:49 PM
My parents wouldn't allow it, but i'm not a believer in what is good for me is what is good for your son. Of course I have no frame of reference. At age 18 I was out of the house already, and my parents didn't care after that. They just said they didn't want any Saul Jr's running around their house anytime soon.

Although...she is 20. He is 20. They should be able to scrape enough money together to meet halfway and get a Super 6 Sleep 'N Fvck and a couple of meals. I would say "not in my house." Not because my parents said it, but because:

A) I would not want to hear or see my parents doing the nasty. I don't like to think about it.

B) I would offer them the same courtesy they offered me.

The end.

I know I give you and a bunch of other people around here a lot of shit, but I think you're a pretty decent guy - for a young punk. Heh. That was a quality post.

Saulbadguy
01-15-2005, 01:29 AM
I know I give you and a bunch of other people around here a lot of shit, but I think you're a pretty decent guy - for a young punk. Heh. That was a quality post.
Hey, don't mention it. I think you are a pretty old guy, for a decent punk.

Iowanian
02-11-2005, 02:52 PM
I know III is about to have a major life problem, and I'm bored.........hit me with your best shot.

Saulbadguy
02-11-2005, 02:55 PM
Dear Dr IOWANIN :

How come wal-mart's produce isn't very good?

HarryParatestes
02-11-2005, 02:59 PM
My Supervisor is a very sweet woman. But she's a...shall we say ..."substantial" sized woman. Not too big....5' 6" and maybe 230 lbs.

( I like to say the face of an angel..the body of a linebacker )

But I digress. It's a constant 75 degrees in our lab. Quite comfy, but she is ALWAYS cold! Shivering, hunkering down over her personal heater, bitchin' about freezing cold!

How can a woman with that much "insulation" be constantly cold?

:shrug:

Iowanian
02-11-2005, 02:59 PM
Saul,
While I'm not positive on the exact problem with Walmart's produce selection, I'll make this observation.

A vast majority of items available at the aforementioned outlet of affordable merchandise is purchased in bulk from CHINA.

In China, tactics for growing vegetables and animals for consumption are less than may be desired in the continental US. An example might be that the lettuce salad you're eating now, was actually grown on a mound in the middle of a septic tank hole in the ground.

My second guess would be that the produce has been touched by numerous members of the butt picking horde of nohandwashers that fondled that fruit prior to you eating it without washing it properly.

Iowanian
02-11-2005, 03:03 PM
My Supervisor is a very sweet woman. But she's a...shall we say ..."substantial" sized woman. Not too big....5' 6" and maybe 230 lbs.

( I like to say the face of an angel..the body of a linebacker )

But I digress. It's a constant 75 degrees in our lab. Quite comfy, but she is ALWAYS cold! Shivering, hunkering down over her personal heater, bitchin' about freezing cold!

How can a woman with that much "insulation" be constantly cold?

:shrug:

Simple.

The amounts of sweets this brontasaurus has consumed has turned her blood into a cholesterol thickened Gravy. This thickening of the blood and hardening of the arteries have restricted the circulation to her extremities.

Thats mah guess.

Saulbadguy
02-11-2005, 03:04 PM
Dear Dr IOWANAIN:

The poster formely known as Gunther_Fan has revealed his ugly face to this board once again. Should I blow his cover and reveal his identity, or should I make a game out of it (further than i already have..)

Iowanian
02-11-2005, 03:22 PM
Saul,

If that Particular Poster has again shown face on the board, under a new name, Most regulars won't take long to pick up the scent.

The biggest problem Iowanian foresees with his change to yet another username, is how to work it into the next poem dedicated to that poster. If you are inclined to reveal the information in Saul's very own version of "username hangman", do so, knowing that you could draw the wrath of Tony Gonfreaquilizer_fan, and may even incur such undesirable punishment as a whisker burn on your belly from his massive Moustachio.

Lzen
02-11-2005, 03:45 PM
OMG, this thread is great. ROFL

Dear Dr IOWANIN :

How come wal-mart's produce isn't very good?

That's funny. I just tried a red apple from one of their mix bags (green apples, red apples, and oranges) and it was crap. Wasted $5 on that. Well, at least the oranges are alright and maybe the green apples. Still pisses me off, though.

Saulbadguy
02-11-2005, 03:47 PM
OMG, this thread is great. ROFL



That's funny. I just tried a red apple from one of their mix bags (green apples, red apples, and oranges) and it was crap. Wasted $5 on that. Well, at least the oranges are alright and maybe the green apples. Still pisses me off, though.
I've tried their bananas, their apples, and their oranges. I'm done with them now. All their fruit has a funky taste, IMO. I guess Iowanian explained it. I'm going to go to Dillons or Food 4 Less for all my produce needs, now.

Lzen
02-11-2005, 03:51 PM
I've tried their bananas, their apples, and their oranges. I'm done with them now. All their fruit has a funky taste, IMO. I guess Iowanian explained it. I'm going to go to Dillons or Food 4 Less for all my produce needs, now.

I don't think I've ever had a problem with their bananas. The oranges sometimes have seeds and occasionally are bitter. I should probably go somewhere else for my fruit.

Saulbadguy
02-11-2005, 03:52 PM
I don't think I've ever had a problem with their bananas. The oranges sometimes have seeds and occasionally are bitter. I should probably go somewhere else for my fruit.
I'm going to try Aldi's as well. I heard they are really cheap.

Iowanian
02-11-2005, 03:56 PM
Iowanian once worked on a project for large scale animal(hog) confinement facility compounds that were built in China and North Korea.

There compounds had living quarters, the animal facilities, the waste lagoons, and gun towers. Workerswere fenced in and couldn't leave.

Anywho, they were supposed to be "Self sufficient" for the most part. The Sewage from the living quarters went into the lagoons of the animal waste. There were 3-4 lagoons, in various stages......The lagoons..........full of sewage, were also Food sources......One they grew crawdads, shrimp or lobster, one fish, and another it seems like some edible reed like plants. There was a "pit" with a lid where all of the dead animals were dumped to rot........that sludge was used for something else.

nasty.

Lzen
02-11-2005, 04:01 PM
I'm going to try Aldi's as well. I heard they are really cheap.

I used to do all my grocery shopping at Aldi's when I was very young and poor (about 18).

Ghostof
02-11-2005, 04:06 PM
Iowanian,

I have a question but not sure how to word it so you could understand.

Iowanian
02-11-2005, 04:07 PM
Iowanian is not your typical Raider Fan........just word it.


Something tells me to dig the airsick bag out of the desk drawer.

Ghostof
02-11-2005, 04:09 PM
Iowanian is not your typical Raider Fan........just word it.


Something tells me to dig the airsick bag out of the desk drawer.


Well, on that note I wont post it. It will have to wait for Monday that way the image will be burnt in peoples minds at the beginning of the week instead of the end of it.

|Zach|
02-11-2005, 04:10 PM
Dear Dr. Iowanian,

Love your column. Could you explain to your fans what your field of expertise is and how you went about getting your doctorate?

- Zach

seclark
02-11-2005, 04:10 PM
doc iowa,
i haven't drank a beer in over a month. i just woke up one morning and instead of cracking open a pi$$ warm natty and slurping it down, i opted for black coffee. f@cked up, huh?

what has me concerned is, i'm constantly shaking like a whore in church.

will this cease as time goes by, or should i go back to my old drunkin ways?

your constant reader,
sec

Iowanian
02-11-2005, 04:18 PM
Now that is a true Dilema. The fact that I think I'd rather drink cold goat sweat than hot coffee doesn't help in formulating the proper answer.

It sounds like the Doc and Brideclark have the secjewels in a vicegrip.

I'd like to think that by the time the fish are biting after the ice is off that it would let up.......but whiskey Tango Foxtrot do I know.

I think the best course of action is to tell the Mrs.(your mrs, wiseass) that the shaking is caused by toxic MSB, and that you've been prescribed a daily treatment by your new doc. there are at least 4 valid forms of that treatment ifn' you forgot at your advancing age.

The Cialis commercial says a chub lasting more than 4 hrs can be dangerous, but I'm thinking it could be handy for you to hang your black tape roll and hammer on while on top of those towers.

I'd suggest doing whatever helps keep you positive you're hetero, and off the couch.

Ghostof
02-11-2005, 04:34 PM
Ah heck with it



So this one time, I was making out with this chick, an exgirlfriend of mine, in my truck at the Best Buy parking lot on 115th and metcalf. We were going at it and decided to move to a more quieter spot, the empty restaurant's parking lot just north of the Picadelly cafe. Heavy petting ensued and after awhile it was her turn. So she unbuttoned her pants, and I was overtaken by this concoction of roadkill and dead fish. She had told me that she was on her period, but that didnt really phase me. What bothered me was that rank smell. So I flat out told her she stank and her reply was "well, during my heavy flow days I dont take a shower or use pads over and over. I just shove a tampon up there and pull it out in a few days." Furthermore she passed on this great tidbit "Why take a shower or change pads if its just going to get all messed up again." SHe literally would wait a day or two through her heavy days until it was light.

This is the kicker. There was always this weird smell in her room. She always blamed it on the "dead mice in the basement" but eventaully everyone found out what it was. A few times she had problems with um, overflowing, and she rolled it all up in her panties and stuffed them in her closet. Her parents fianlly got sick of the smell and decided to help clean her room. I wasnt going to help snoop around so I was watching TV in her bedroom while they cleaned. They got to the closet, the last dirty section. After moving boxes around they found the crusty dried up panties and she got into alot of trouble over that. That was the only time I felt bad for her parents, because imagine finding that in your own house or better yet doing the laundry and coming across a mess like that.


So my question is how the hell can a woman go that long without changing her "feminine hygiene products" and doesnt that cause major problems?? along with the most hideous gangrenish smell!

Oh damn it was like the extra chunky Ragu garden style spaghetti sauce.

Saulbadguy
02-11-2005, 04:36 PM
Terrible.

Iowanian
02-11-2005, 06:36 PM
" The answer "I have no #@%&* idea " is valid and acceptable for these purposes. If the thread sucks, it shall fade into planet oblivion.'

Easiest answer I've ever given, you nasty bastard.

Stop. Fugging. Nasty. Women.

Spend an extra $10 and get yourself a higher class crack ho.

Miles
02-11-2005, 06:42 PM
Ghostof's stories always make me feel better about every woman I've ever f*cked.

Ever.

I have heard a lot of nasty stories from my fraternity brothers in college but his easily blow any off em away.

yunghungwell
02-14-2005, 08:13 AM
So my question is how the hell can a woman go that long without changing her "feminine hygiene products" and doesnt that cause major problems??

Neither you or this NASTY chick has ever heard of toxic shock syndrome? Try WebMD.

Ghostof
02-14-2005, 08:46 AM
" The answer "I have no #@%&* idea " is valid and acceptable for these purposes. If the thread sucks, it shall fade into planet oblivion.'

Easiest answer I've ever given, you nasty bastard.

Stop. Fugging. Nasty. Women.

Spend an extra $10 and get yourself a higher class crack ho.





She is my ex from about 6 years ago.

Iowanian
02-14-2005, 09:01 AM
Ghost.......It sounds to Iowanian, given your history, and ability to attract the most stanky available, you could probably make alot of financial gain by going into the catfish and coon/coyote bait business.

Not only do I think Yung is correct, I'm guessing your unit will end up being a case study there someday.

yunghungwell
02-14-2005, 09:54 AM
This is the kicker. There was always this weird smell in her room. She always blamed it on the "dead mice in the basement"...

Found in a different thread...seemed approiate.

http://www.lisawhiteman.com/pictures/weblog/deadmouse04.jpg

Mr. Kotter
02-14-2005, 10:13 AM
Dear Iowanian,

I've just noticed of-late that my voice has become higher, I've taken to the Oparah show, and that I've become plagued with unexplained and sudden fits of uncontrolled sobbing. This coincided with a ice-water bath that was prescribed as a part of my treatment for a nasty goin pull....suffered during a national mudwrestling/Twister championships.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Uncomfortable Rob

Iowanian
05-12-2005, 01:42 PM
Dear Uncomfortable Rob,

You're middle aged now. Stop mud wrestling, or those gals are going to be the death of you, Blue.



duuuuust in the wiiiiiiiiind

KCTitus
05-12-2005, 01:45 PM
Dear Iowanian:

Can anyone stop Rich Scanlon from carrying out his his plan of total world domination?

Saulbadguy
05-12-2005, 01:56 PM
Dear Dr IOWAN:

Sometimes when I go to the public bathrooms, some men choose to go to the stalls to urinate, rather than go to the urinals, which are vacant. They even close and lock the doors. Why do they do this?

ck_IN
05-12-2005, 01:58 PM
<i>I've just noticed of-late that my voice has become higher, I've taken to the Oparah show, and that I've become plagued with unexplained and sudden fits of uncontrolled sobbing. This coincided with a ice-water bath that was prescribed as a part of my treatment for a nasty goin pull</i>

I don't want to step on the doctors toes but my take is that the ice caused your balls to run so far up inside your body in search of warmth that they became ovaries. You are now a woman and just haven't realized it yet.

I hope this clears up your , um, confusion.

munkey
05-12-2005, 02:07 PM
Ghostof's stories always make me feel better about every woman I've ever f*cked.

Ever.

At least she wiped her ass...

Oh wait...dead mice? Maybe not :Lin:

Eleazar
05-12-2005, 02:11 PM
Dear Iowanian,

My girl says that we can't fool around any more until I get less 'fraid of commitment' or something like that. What should I do?

ck_IN
05-12-2005, 02:12 PM
Ghostof', I'm glad you're out there dude. You seem to be a magnet for, shall we say, less desirable women. That leaves the more desirable ones for the rest of us.

:toast: Here's to you for taking one for the rest of the team.

ck_IN
05-12-2005, 02:14 PM
Titus, is there a reason why you would want to?

*colour me confused *

munkey
05-12-2005, 02:16 PM
:toast: Here's to you for taking one for the rest of the team.

For some reason I don't know that he looks at it that way... :shake:

Mr. Kotter
05-12-2005, 02:19 PM
Dear Iowanian,

My girl says that we can't fool around any more until I get less 'fraid of commitment' or something like that. What should I do?

Iowanian....I'll take this one:

Dear Cochise,

Tell her you love her (you don't gotta mean it!) and that when she learns to bake good pie, you'll be willin' to get hitched. You'll be back in the saddle in no time.

HINT: Be sure to specify type of pie, and set a standard that is unachievable...just in case

Sincerely, Dr. Kotter

KCTitus
05-12-2005, 02:19 PM
Titus, is there a reason why you would want to?

*colour me confused *

Well, just in case he turns into Darth Scanlon.

ck_IN
05-12-2005, 02:24 PM
<i>Well, just in case he turns into Darth Scanlon.</i>

Hmm, I hadn't thought of that. I wonder if we could recruit K. Fox to play the Luke Skywalker role?

Iowanian
05-12-2005, 02:30 PM
Dear Iowanian:

Can anyone stop Rich Scanlon from carrying out his his plan of total world domination?


Its highly undoubtful. Have you seen this kid play in NFLE? The Only reason I can think of, that may keep Scanlon off of the field this year would be that the NFL would be forced to implement "the scanlon clause" on the Union Bargaining agreement, which would require the Chiefs to only put 9 defensive players on the field when Scanlon is in the game. It has been deemed unfair to the opposing RBs and QBs who have many performance clauses in their contract.

Allowing Scanlon to be an every down starter is like Tieing the opposing OC to the Scanlon-tree of Woah.

I hope he turns into the next Singleterry. If it happens, I'm likely getting a jersey, and changing my username to Dr Royowanian IV.

Iowanian
05-12-2005, 02:32 PM
Dear Dr IOWAN:

Sometimes when I go to the public bathrooms, some men choose to go to the stalls to urinate, rather than go to the urinals, which are vacant. They even close and lock the doors. Why do they do this?

I have no effing Idear.

My best guess is that you do that because you're embarrassed that you're 25 and still let your trousers and underoos fall down around your ankles while you take a potty.

I'm glad you have the descency to shut the door though, the Hetero's like me would find it more than disconscerting.

Iowanian
05-12-2005, 02:36 PM
Dear Iowanian,

My girl says that we can't fool around any more until I get less 'fraid of commitment' or something like that. What should I do?

If you thought your Company was downsizing, because there wasn't enough work for you....would you wait for that to happen prior to beginning the Job search? No responsible man would do that.

"committment" is just a womans way of saying she wants you to buy her something expensive. Explain to her, that trading something of value for her legs to be elevated would make her a prostitute, and you have too much respect for her, to allow that to happen on your watch.

In the mean time, get your resume' ready(a new bottle of the latest Sex-Panther), a haircut, some new shoes and start Interviewing new candidates ASAP.

A well diversified portfolio is just good business in a shaky market.

Mr. Kotter
05-12-2005, 02:38 PM
Dear Dr IOWAN:

Sometimes when I go to the public bathrooms, some men choose to go to the stalls to urinate, rather than go to the urinals, which are vacant. They even close and lock the doors. Why do they do this?

Iowanian, I know you are a busy man....I'll pitch in here too:

Dear Saul,

Men who engage in the sort of behavior you describe fall into one of two categories: horny and self-conscious. Horny men who've become excited have become masters at the "quickie" in the stall. Such men possess vivid imagination, an extensive pornography collection, and a quick wrist. Self conscious types are fearful they don't measure up to other men who have the confidence to use the urinals. Sometimes they will sneak into a urinal and feign that macho swagger....but only if there are "dividers" between the urinal that conceal his unit from meat-peaking eyes. Hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Dr. Kotter

Jenny Gump
05-12-2005, 02:39 PM
Dear Iowanian,

I seem to be too abrupt when dealing with coworkers. Can you advise?

Jenson71
05-12-2005, 02:42 PM
Iowanian,

Lately I've noticed donger and raiderhader getting rather intimate in their posts to each other. And just yesterday, raiderhader accidently sent me a PM obviously intended for donger. I won't repeat what was written, but it was rather detailed on what they planned to do to each other's bodies. As a community, how should we view these acts of affection between the two?

Thanks...

Mr. Kotter
05-12-2005, 02:45 PM
Dear Iowanian,

I seem to be too abrupt when dealing with coworkers. Can you advise?

Dear Jenny,

Become an actuary where you don't need to deal with other people, a mortician where the "people" don't talk back, or a hooker where your "business" is usually done in a minute or two from guys too shy to get laid.

Sincerely,

Dr. Kotter

Iowanian
05-12-2005, 02:45 PM
Dear Iowanian,

I seem to be too abrupt when dealing with coworkers. Can you advise?

My advice is to hang a sign that says
"beatings will continue until moral improves"

Iowanian is not known for being delicate in very many phases of his life.
Dealing with coworkers is no exception. Try using more creative words when insunuating sarcastic insults so they have to think about it, and may not fully comprehend the intent of your message.

Jenson71
05-12-2005, 02:46 PM
or a hooker where your "business" is usually done in a minute or two from guys too shy to get laid.


Bad advice. Maybe this is why you're not the answer man.

Iowanian
05-12-2005, 02:49 PM
jenson,

What two posters chose to do in their own PMroom is their business. I think you should give a reply indicating you accidently recieved the Donga-Sutra and thought he should know.

Iowanian won't have much to say until his commute is interupted by a glittery parade, or one of them tries to backup their hard drive into my FTP. Then I'll be getting all "Michael and Samir with the copy machine in a field".

Iowanian
05-12-2005, 02:53 PM
Bad advice. Maybe this is why you're not the answer man.

Actually....Its possible that Kotter is onto something. Maybe he should be a career counselor.

Being mean and nasty to coworkers and clients? There is a population out there that would pay a dominatrix good money to do just that.
Feel free to send the doc a head shot and photo spread with resume'.

Avoid this profession if you're deaf, or tawk wike ah haiw wip.

[whack!] Ng'ooooooooo, gnats a mbad ndog. [crack] nyou nlike n'dat....doong't nyou [whap] nats a mbad ndog

Jenson71
05-12-2005, 02:58 PM
JennyGump's too nice a girl to get used by losers...

And just look what happened to the other Jenny Gump.

Mr. Kotter
05-12-2005, 08:40 PM
JennyGump's too nice a girl to get used by losers...

And just look what happened to the other Jenny Gump.

It was a joke; I love Jenny......

"Run, Jenny, Run!"

Mosbonian
05-12-2005, 10:19 PM
Dr. I:

The "Dog" has decided that upon approaching his 50th birthday next year, that he would make this year his "farewell salute" to his slow-pitch softball playing days. Faced with the dismal performance last year, (after a Barry Bond's-style comeback attempt) I decided to lose a number of pounds over the winter to get back to correct playing weight.

After succeeding in losing 50 lbs, I have now embarked on a thus far successful (3 games) and triumphant return to the diamond. The hitting stroke is back and my pitching stats are Cy Young-like.

My questions are:

1) Seeing as to how this is my final season and I don't want to disappoint my loyal fans, should I sign autographs before or after the game?

2) Is it considered "grand-standing" for me to take a slower than normal trot around the bases when I hit one out of the park, so that my adoring fans can properly salute my career accomplishments?

My many fans have been very loyal, and I would hate to disappoint them by depriving them of properly showing their respect to me and my humble service to slow-pitch softball. I am in a bit of a quandry because there is a fine line here between humility and show-boating....I do have a reputation to keep you know.

I await your response.....

mmad "Al Bundy" dog

philfree
05-12-2005, 10:47 PM
Ask Iowanian. Pt II, the Keyboard of Doom

Got any birds? That was simple :)

PhilFree:arrow:

Mosbonian
05-13-2005, 04:40 PM
My advice is to hang a sign that says
"beatings will continue until moral improves"

Iowanian is not known for being delicate in very many phases of his life.
Dealing with coworkers is no exception. Try using more creative words when insunuating sarcastic insults so they have to think about it, and may not fully comprehend the intent of your message.

Do you do contract work?

mmaddog
*******

angel
05-13-2005, 05:07 PM
Dear Iowanian,
I am graduating from college tomorrow with nothing to show for it but a degree in elementary education. I have no jobs lined up for the up-coming school year. It looks like I'll have to move back in with my parents for lack of money. The only thing in the world that will fill my heart with joy is to be able to go to Chiefs games next season. Alas, I have no job, no money, and no takers on my "deal of a lifetime" to accompany me to the games.
Should I take the job in western Kansas that will leave me miles away from my family and Arrowhead or should I hold out for the other three school districts that are closer to KC and my family but haven't gotten back to me, and probably won't until the last minute if at all?

Mosbonian
05-16-2005, 11:49 AM
Dr. I......

You're slipping.....am I going to have to reverse the charges on my credit card that your office managed to put on there?

mmaddog
*******

Saulbadguy
05-16-2005, 11:50 AM
Dear Iowanian,
I am graduating from college tomorrow with nothing to show for it but a degree in elementary education. I have no jobs lined up for the up-coming school year. It looks like I'll have to move back in with my parents for lack of money. The only thing in the world that will fill my heart with joy is to be able to go to Chiefs games next season. Alas, I have no job, no money, and no takers on my "deal of a lifetime" to accompany me to the games.
Should I take the job in western Kansas that will leave me miles away from my family and Arrowhead or should I hold out for the other three school districts that are closer to KC and my family but haven't gotten back to me, and probably won't until the last minute if at all?
Thats crazy. Teaching jobs around here are usually abundant.

Mr. Kotter
05-16-2005, 12:00 PM
Dear Iowanian,
I am graduating from college tomorrow with nothing to show for it but a degree in elementary education. I have no jobs lined up for the up-coming school year. It looks like I'll have to move back in with my parents for lack of money. The only thing in the world that will fill my heart with joy is to be able to go to Chiefs games next season. Alas, I have no job, no money, and no takers on my "deal of a lifetime" to accompany me to the games.
Should I take the job in western Kansas that will leave me miles away from my family and Arrowhead or should I hold out for the other three school districts that are closer to KC and my family but haven't gotten back to me, and probably won't until the last minute if at all?

Hold out for the districts you wish to get into. Worse case scenario is, you Substitute in one of those (or all of those) districts next year; network, get your foot in the door...you'll get a job next year for sure.

Best case scenario, this summer or a last minute resignation by a teacher currently employed by the district....will open a spot for you before the year begins. Depending on the specific districts you are talking about, I'd be willing to bet you'd have a job before the year starts....2:1 odds you'll get something before the beginning of September.

Iowanian
05-16-2005, 01:25 PM
Dr. I:


My questions are:

1) Seeing as to how this is my final season and I don't want to disappoint my loyal fans, should I sign autographs before or after the game?

2) Is it considered "grand-standing" for me to take a slower than normal trot around the bases when I hit one out of the park, so that my adoring fans can properly salute my career accomplishments?

My many fans have been very loyal, and I would hate to disappoint them by depriving them of properly showing their respect to me and my humble service to slow-pitch softball. I am in a bit of a quandry because there is a fine line here between humility and show-boating....I do have a reputation to keep you know.

I await your response.....

mmad "Al Bundy" dog

Congrats on laying off the corn dogs this winter, slim.

I think if you sign autographs it should be after the game. Preparing for such a physically exerting activity like slow pitch softball, should consume your mental preparation pre-game. A man of your advanced youth should probably be stretching your hammies anyway.

At your age, people will just assume you're Fiddy if trotting slowly. If you're skipping and doing your Pearl thumb-gun Shooter McGavin after a Tater, you're grandstanding, and should probably expect to get Spiked the next time you're covering 3rd when I slide in for that stretched triple.

Iowanian
05-16-2005, 01:26 PM
Got any birds? That was simple :)

PhilFree:arrow:

I've got 2 birds. You should keep any eye open for them the next time you cut me off in traffic.