Found a great website. http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com/

[|Zach|]

http://www.thingsmygirlfriendandihavearguedabout.com/

Basically this pour soul talks about all the things him and his girlfriend argue about. I swear this guy is a Chiefsplanet member...

A small portion of many many many examples.

Margret bought a jacket. The purpose of this jacket, its raison d'etre, was not to provide warmth or woo the eyes or give employment to jacket makers. The purpose of this jacket was to demonstrate to me my place in the world. To provide a medium through which I might gain knowledge - much like the rustling of the leaves at the Oracle of Dodona being a means for discovering the will of Zeus. Only, you know, except with lots more polyester. Margret bought this jacket and placed it on a hanger in the hallway. Later that day, when she judged I had approximately 1,285 things I'd rather be doing, she commanded me to view it.
She takes it down from the hanger, puts it on and says, 'What do you think?'
'Well,' I say, 'if you like it...'
I hear the fire alarm go off and briefly glance up the stairs before realising that the noise is actually in my head.
'What's wrong with it?' asks Margret. Somewhat challengingly.
'Oh, you know, nothing in particular,' I shrug. This is factually correct. It is a comprehensively appalling jacket; no particular aspect of its extensive dreadfulness stands out as especially distressing.
'What... is wrong... with it,' Margret replies, filling in the spaces with facial expressions.
'Um, well, it's shapeless.'
'No, it isn't.'
'OK, then, it's cylinder-shaped. Which is not a good shape. For a jacket.'
'I like the shape.'
'Fair enough. Right, I'm going...'
'What else?'
'Did I say there was...'
'What else?'
'The material is unpleasant.'
'No it's not.'
'And the pattern is awful.'
'The pattern's nice.'
'And it doesn't appear to fit properly - look at the arms.'
'That's how it's supposed to fit.'
'Fair enough, then.'
'I like it. I'm going to wear it always.''
'OK.'
She places it back on the hanger, lets me know I'm a fool and we go on about our business.
The next day Margret's friend calls round to drop something off quickly. She drops it off (quickly), they (quickly) talk for four and a half hours, and then she has to dash. Coincidentally, I'm coming down the stairs when Margret is seeing her out. As Margret is by the door she says to her, 'Oh, look, I bought a new jacket. What do you think?'
'Well,' the friend replies, 'if you like it...'
Margret returns the jacket to the shop, immediately.
Immediately.

[Frazod]

Reading things like this brings me comfort.

I am not alone.... :banghead:

[|Zach|]

* A Few Concepts Margret Continues To Have Trouble Assimilating:

1. It's possible to stop buying plants.
2. Can you please leave me alone, I'm on the lavatory.
3. Ikea is just another shop.
4. I asked you if you wanted any, I asked you - now stop eating it off my plate.
5. One may have a thought and not say it. This does not make me insular, it merely separates me from you and that mad woman who's always shouting at the pigeons outside the supermarket.
6. They're just nail clippings. Nail clippings must be the most inert thing on the planet, how can anyone seriously have a problem with nail clippings? You might as well freak out with, 'Bleuuuurrggh - helium!' Really - just get a hold of yourself. So you've walked barefoot across the bathroom and you find this has resulted in a nail clipping or two sticking to the bottom of your foot; well, simply brush them off into the bin - they're just nail clippings.

[tk13]

Great idea. I think I'm going to start a new website myself:

http://www.quitmessinguptheformattingonthefrontpageofthefreakingmessageboard.com/

[tk13]

* A Few Concepts Margret Continues To Have Trouble Assimilating:

1. It's possible to stop buying plants.


ROFL

Great website, mcan!

[Megbert]

ROFL I love this one

See if you can spot the difference between these two statements:
(a) "Those trousers make your backside look fat."
(b) "You're a repellently obese old hag upon whom I am compelled to heap insults and derision - depressingly far removed from the, 'stupid, squeaky, pocket-sized English women,' who make up my vast catalogue of former lovers and to whom I might as well return right now as I hate everything about you."
Maybe the acoustics were really bad in the dining room, or something.

[|Zach|]

Margret thinks I'm vain because... I use a mirror when I shave. During this argument in the bathroom - our fourth most popular location for arguments, it will delight and charm you to learn - Margret proved that shaving with a mirror could only be seen as outrageous narcissism by saying, 'None of the other men I've been with,' (my, but it's all I can do to stop myself hugging her when she begins sentences like that) 'None of the other men I've been with used a mirror to shave.'
'Ha! Difficult to check up on that, isn't it? As all the other men you've been with can now only communicate by blinking their eyes!' I said. Much later. When Margret had left the house.

[keg in kc]

Reading things like this brings me comfort.

I am not alone.... :banghead:Reading things like this brings me comfort, too.

I AM alone....and thank god for that.

[ChiefJustice]

This one just cracked me up....

Around 8.30pm I came downstairs from putting the kids to bed and started flicking through video cassettes. Margret, on the sofa, lowered the magazine she was reading on to her lap and asked suspiciously, 'What are you doing?'
'Trying to find a movie,' I said.
Margret sighed and shook her head. With a mixture of incredulity, anxiety and admonishment she replied, 'You've already seen one film today.'

Phew. Lucky we caught that habit before it spiralled out of control, eh?

Which reminds me; test your own self-control by reading this and seeing if you can resist the urge to draw any telling psychological insights from it:
Margret walked through the living room on Friday as I was watching 'Band Of Brothers'. Absently, she asked, 'Is this "Killing Private Ryan"?'

It's the nights I fear the most.

[Ultra Peanut]

Nail clippings must be the most inert thing on the planet, how can anyone seriously have a problem with nail clippings? You might as well freak out with, 'Bleuuuurrggh - helium!'Funniest thing I saw until the cooking treatise.

[Ultra Peanut]

* Margret flooded the kitchen last week. Turned the taps on, put the plug in the sink, and utterly forgot about it (because she'd come upstairs and we'd got involved in an unrelated argument). She goes back downstairs, opens the door and - whoosh - it's Sea World. The interesting thing about this is, if I'd flooded the kitchen, it would have been a bellowing, 'You've flooded the kitchen, you idiot!' and then she'd have done that thing where I curl up in a ball, trying to protect my head, and she kicks me repeatedly in the kidneys. As it was, however, there's a shout, I run downstairs and stand for a beat in the doorway - taking in the scene, waves lapping gently at my ankles - and she turns round and roars, 'Well, help me then - can't you see I've flooded the kitchen, you idiot?'ROFL

[Dartgod]

Ha! Did you mouse over the picture in the upper left corner of the site?

http://www.mil-millington.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/pics/gretch_head.jpg http://www.mil-millington.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/pics/deadhead.jpg

[|Zach|]

bump for the day folks

[morphius]

I swear to God that this could have easily been done by my friend Craig...

All women are insane.

[Amnorix]

This site is AWESOME!!!

This one slayed me:

Margret doesn't like to watch films on the TV. No, hold on - let me make sure you've got the inflection here: Margret doesn't like to watch films on the TV. She says she does, but years of bitter experience have proven that what she actually wants is to sit by me while I narrate the entire bleeding film to her. 'Who's she?', 'Why did he get shot?', 'I thought that one was on their side?', 'Is that a bomb' - 'JUST WATCH IT! IN THE NAME OF GOD, JUST WATCH IT!' The hellish mirror-image of this is when she furnishes me, deaf to my pleading, with her commentary. Chair-clawing suspense being assaulted mercilessly from behind by such interjections as, 'Hey! Look! They're the cushions we've got.', 'Isn't she the one who does that tampon advert?' and, on one famous occasion, 'Oh, I've seen this - he gets killed at the end.'

[htismaqe]

His US FAQ is quite amusing. Smart chap.

Are you and Margret married?

No. The clue there would be in the 'girlfriend' bit. We've been together for, at time of writing, about fifeen years, however, and fully expect to be together until death. Longer if Margret dies first as she's made it known she intends to haunt me - appearing suddenly in front of my car while I'm out driving at high speed on wet roads, that kind of thing.

US FAQs



Why don't you and Margret get married?

What is it with you Americans and marriage? You seem to have some kind of confusion that makes a ritual inseparable from the thing it announces. I'm sorry to be the one to break this to you, but if you don't have a funeral, you're still dead, OK? No, we're never going to get married. And we've spent the money it would have cost us on a loft conversion.

US FAQs



Why don't you just kick the bitch out (that's what I'd have done, on day one)?

Wow! You're really impressive - and so masculine. I wish I were more like you. You're great. And not just an heroic figure to all men either, but a huge success with the ladies too, I have absolutely no doubt about that. You've slept with lots of women haven't you? Just loads. Yes you have. Thanks for your input; we all thought you were dead manly and irresistible to anyone with a uterus already, but your words just confirm it. Cheers.

US FAQs



As you clearly hate each other, why don't you just split up?

So, you're a teenage girl then, are you? Bless. Not really the deepest of readers? Well, no, because reading is so much effort on its own that thinking too would be sheer torture, wouldn't it? Never mind, don't bother yourself with anything beyond the simple noise that the letters make when you add them up. Really, I mean it. You enjoy the carefree years you have because, you know what? You're going to end up marrying Impressive Man, above. Oh yes you are.

US FAQs



Hello, I'm American. What I'd like to do now is dribble out some pop psychology I saw an airport paperback writer talking about on Oprah once and which I've slavishly used as the basis of my whole life since because I really can't go to the effort of thinking anything through for myself. Clearly, I don't have the reading skills or the intellectual depth to claw my way above the crashingly literal, so I'll use this embarrassing lack of subtlety as a misplaced springboard from which to launch into a critique of your relationship. I'll probably say something like, 'For the sake of the children', I simply won't be able to stop myself. Depending upon how I feel, I might even state that, 'I have a good sense of humour' too, a fact which, tragically, I, myself, genuinely believe to be true. Can I have a 'I Don't Get It' badge please?

Certainly - there's a box of them by the door.

US FAQs



Why is the page so long? I can't read all those words, it hurts.

Sorry.

US FAQs



You hate Americans, don't you?

Absolutely not. Some of the brightest, funniest, most erudite, down-to-earth and self-effacing people I know are Americans. (Or Canadians - which is the same thing. Yes it is. I'm not listening - Yes - It - Is.) Even my limited experience suggests most Americans are extremely pleasant people. I'm just sorry that the majority have to share a country with such a large minority of yawping, jingoistic, humourless, moronic wankers. Oh, and my sympathies about your President too.

Let me repeat what I just said there so there can be no possible mistake. We have, dear people of the Internet, a hard core of morons. They are: dull-eyed, humourless (though they think they aren't), wearisome, insistently vocal and - consistently - American. However, how-ev-er, the large majority of Americans are quite, quite lovely. I adore them all. If one of my children ever came home and said, 'Father, I'm in love with an American.' I'd swell with delight. I'd have a feast prepared and bells rung. Americans are ace. I genuinely do like Americans. Excluding (for obvious reasons) the French, then the only set of people I think are more rubbish than not are the English - sullen, littering drunks, clutching a mobile phone in one hand while in the other there is a lead which ends in a crapping dog. OK? Is that plain? America - come here, I want to kiss each and every one of your pretty faces.

Tch.

US FAQs

[Kylo Ren]

I'm crying........literally crying!! ROFL:deevee:

[Frazod]

I printed this off at work today so I could read it on the train on the way home. In printed form, its 70 PAGES LONG. :eek:

70 pages of ranting about this woman, and apparently, he's taken a lot of stuff out. Damn.

Clearly, this bitch IS INSANE, and he clearly loves it. If he were in a relationship with a sane, thoughtful, nurturing woman (I've heard there are one or two of them out there), I have little doubt that he would burst into flames within a week. Sadly, I understand the attraction all too well - in my younger days, I was drawn to twisted, evil, maddening women just like this - like a moth to a flamethrower. I finally gave up on them and settled down with someone who isn't exactly sane, but is at least nice to me. So I give this guy points for hanging in there. I've had numerous fights that damn near mirror some of the ones he described, and some sick part of me actually misses them. But not enough to do it again.

And I do like his ranting style, although I did have to take an occasional break to relieve the annoying-pompous-limey agitation. I still have another 20 pages or so to go until the end. I look forward to tomorrow's ride in.

My only question is this: surely she knows about this website by now, so why hasn't she chopped him into fishbait yet?

:D

[Frazod]

What does Margret have to say about the page?

Mostly she doesn't bother about it - it's an Internet thing (Margret on the Internet: "It's rubbish."). She does read it every so often, though, and thinks it's funny. Margret, you see, unlike some people, is smart, understands English - subtexts and all - and has a sense of humour. We've only ever had two arguments about the page and they were minor. By which, naturally, I mean that they were screaming, howling rows lasting about three hours each, but they were minor by our standards (they were also about things so tiny and incidental that no one else would have even noticed them, let alone managed to fan them into a row). The last time she read the page her only comment was "You're such a liar." Which she later modified to "Oh. Right. I'd forgotten about that." It is true, however, that lately, after she's done something Margret-like - trying to reverse the car over me or whatever - she has taken to saying, "I suppose you're going to put that up on your page now, aren't you?" To which my reply, naturally, is, "Darling - it's not my page, it's our page."

ROFL

She probably enjoys the attention.

[ExtremeChief]

ROFL


Thanks Zach, teh rep....

FWIW, you can join his mailing list, he doesn't update the page any longer.

[Skip Towne]

Endelt is sooo envious of this guy.

[KCFalcon59]

Damn funny stuff.

We have shower issues. Today I had a shower and she's put out some kind of weird cosmetic soap. I flinch at the idea of guessing how much this soap must have cost because it's utterly rubbish, which is usually a good indication of knee-buckling expense (Cotton flannel - 50p, Skin-lacerating wad woven from dried bark and nasal hair by Amazonian tribeswomen who will use whatever money they make from the sale to buy cotton flannels - £12.50). This soap did not wash, but instead covered me in an iridescent film of grease - and, sadly, I'd made a last minute change of plans and decided to spend today sitting in front of the TV rather than swimming The Channel. Tch - irony, eh? Anyway, I had to have another wash to remove this oleaginous soap from me. This was the Third Thing. I'll come to the Second Thing in a moment, but the First Thing is the ferocity of our shower. British showers are risible, this is a fact. Most people's noses run faster than the average British shower and one of Margret's longest held desires has been to get a shower like those in Germany. Thus, she got one fitted when we moved to the new house here and it is, indeed, German. Now, as much as I'm against the feebleness of British showers, I must ask if it's entirely necessary that a shower should hurt? This thing has a setting called 'massage' and it's not a massage. A massage involves relaxation, the soft, enquiring hands of a 22-year-old Scandinavian woman, and possibly an exchange of cash. The setting on this shower ought more accurately to be labelled 'Jumped By Thugs', you could mount the thing on top of a truck and use it to crush riots. This is all the more horrific when we approach the Second Thing. Because not only does Margret leave our shower set to maim, she also leaves it on cold.
Margret has cold showers first thing in the morning. How unsurprising is that? In fact, I could have just left the rest of this page blank and merely put at the top 'Margret has cold showers first thing in the morning' and everyone reading would have been able to infer the rest. I, it won't surprise you to learn, don't like mornings to begin with, and definitely don't want to find a cold shower lurking anywhere in them. Today, then, I stumbled sleepy-eyed into the shower, wrenched it on, and was immediately hit by a roar of icy water travelling at twelve-hundred miles an hour. My 'O'-eyed, bared-teeth face is going to be stuck like this for a week. Then, once I'd scrambled the settings back to within human limits, I got to cover myself in grease.
Words will be exchanged.

[tyler_durden101]

This site is awesome! I love it....

[Frazod]

Thank God my wife and I now have separate bathrooms. :spock:

[|Zach|]

I am glad you guys like it.

[TheNextStep]

Hysterical site. I read the entire damned thing over the course of the day.

[David.]

That guy had me in tears. Hilarious.

[David.]

#


# The Terror Of Lids: Yes, the rewards are high, but it's a game where the price of defeat is savage. Sometimes Margret, after grunting with it herself for a collection of 'hnggh's, will hand me a bottle or a jar that has a screw top along with an impatient, 'Open that for me.' If the gods lie content in the skies above England at that moment, then what follows is a rapid flick of my wrist, a delightful 'click-fshhhh' gasp of surrender, and my handing the thing back to her FEELING LIKE A HERO OF NORSE LEGEND. Generally, though, what happens is that I strain for a while and strip the skin off the palm of my hands. Then I wrap the lid in a tea towel and strain some more to equal effect. At this point I'm on to using the jam of the door as a vice to hold the lid while I twist at the container; Margret will be saying, 'Give it back here, you'll wreck the door,' and I'll be swearing and twisting and saying, 'I'll repaint that bit in a minute.' The fear is upon me. If it's a fizzy thing, you can sometimes puncture the lid to relieve the pressure and then get it open, but you're not often that lucky. 'Give it back,' Margret repeats, reaching around me, trying to take the item from my hands. I swivel away - 'Just a minute' - and desperately twist at the lid again, now not even attempting not to squint up my face as I do so. At last, though, Margret will manage to get the thing back. This is the darkest moment. If she tries again and it remains fastened, then I am saved. 'It's just completely stuck,' I'll say, 'It is. Stop trying now. Stop. Stop it.' However, there are times - and my stomach chills now, even as I write this - when she gets it back and, with one last satanic effort, manages to spin the lid free. A slight smile takes up home on her face.
'What?' I say.
'Nothing.'
'No - what?'
'Nothing.'
'I'd loosened it.'
'I didn't say anything.'
And I'll have to drag the tiny, damp shreds of my manhood away into the reclusive garage until the slight, slight smile disappears from her some thirty-six hours into the future.


ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL

[David.]

*

* Have you seen 'Good Will Hunting'? Of course you have. I was watching it with Margret the other day and she squeezed my arm and said, 'That's how I'd like you to look.'
'Ahhh,' you're all sitting there saying, 'But Mil, you're already practically Ben Affleck's double.' True enough. But Margret was talking about Robin Williams. Aged 45. With a beard. Kill me.

ROFL

[Jenny Gump]

Great idea. I think I'm going to start a new website myself:

http://www.quitmessinguptheformattingonthefrontpageofthefreakingmessageboard.com/
ROFL First time I have laughed all night. Thanks TK.

[KingPriest2]

Funny site.

[Ultra Peanut]

:LOL:

[Mark M]

This guy's girlfriend has GOT to be related to my wife ...

they are both of German heritage, after all.

MM
~~ROFL

[Crush]

This is what I imagined hell to be like.

[Mark M]

This is what I imagined hell to be like.

If you'd like a closer view, visit my in-laws ...

MM
~~:banghead: