One-liners!

[Braincase]

I used to date a girl who was a 911 Operator. God they hated it when I called her at work.

[seclark]

it's hard to beat "gfy".
sec

[Skip Towne]

That's not a knife, THIS is a knife.

[ChiTown]

it's hard to beat "gfy".
sec

That is one of my faves.

I also like:
I hope your family dies in a vicious car wreck and that you develop cancerous polyps on your prostate. You should see the expressions of their face after that one.........




j/k

[Swanman]

I called the airline to get tickets and they asked my how many would be flying. I said, "I don't know, it's your plane."

My fried asked me how I was getting to the airport. I told him I was flying to one of them.

[HarryParatestes]

A termite walks into a bar and says "Excuse me...is the bartender here? ROFL

[HarryParatestes]

Take my wife. Please!

My Mother-In-Law said I was driving her to an ealry grave. So I went out and warmed up the car!

[MOhillbilly]

It aint a beatin' till someone quits breathing.


http://www.bostonbeatdown.com/

[Demonpenz]

My wife told me to take her to someplace she's never been before, so i took her to the kitchen

[MOhillbilly]

Go have sex w/ your mother.

[MOhillbilly]

F*ck off, Dad. I'm tired of doing your dirty work.

i just got a new dosage of viagra,take two & get back in there.

[Lord Bestyle]

Bought a map of the U.S., actual size. It's a bitch to fold.

[Brando]

My name in Enigo Mantoya. You killed my father, now prepare to die.

[bogie]

I used to work in an orange juice factory but got fired because I couldn't concentrate.

[Brando]

I fell off the jetway again

[munkey]

I can't believe there's not a single job in this town....Yeah, not unless you want to work 40 hours a week.

[Brando]

I'm looking for Ray Finkle...and a clean pair of shorts

[KS Smitty]

Whenever I sing I'm asked to sing solo tenor..... solo they can't hear me and tenor fifteen miles away.

[homey]

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

[Brando]

You want a toe? I can get you a toe by 3 pm. With nail polish.

[KCTitus]

Did you parents have any children that lived?

[Brando]

When they said yous was hung theys was right

[Mark M]

Can I borrow your towel ... my car just hit a water buffalo.

MM
~~:spock:

[Brando]

are you going to eat your fat??

[C-Mac]

Bought a bag of powdered water, but couldnt find anything to mix it with.

[ptlyon]

When they said yous was hung theys was right

HAY! WHERE ALL DA WHITE WOMEN AT?!?

[BigRedChief]

They call me Tater Salad

[Chief Fanatic]

Do you mind if we dance wiff yo dates?

[OldTownChief]

Dog limps in to the bar and says: "I'm lookin for the man that shot my paw"

[OldTownChief]

I washed mine to, but when I was done the towell didn't look like no gawd damn maxi pad.

[Slayer Diablo]

Let's make like a driver and get the truck out...

[RedDread]

A Priest, a Rapist, and a Pedophile all walk into the bar, and that's just the first guy

[Pitt Gorilla]

They call me Tater SaladUh, I guess they don't have to be funny?!?

[foxman]

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She went back for a mud pack and for two days she looked great, then the mud fell off.

[whoman69]

Bought a map of the U.S., actual size. It's a bitch to fold.
I just lost a buttonhole. Where can I find a buttonhole?

[Ultra Peanut]

http://www.cinema.com/image_lib/4017_0010_thumb.jpg
"Might I suggest doing it in the butt?"

[gblowfish]

"The only way I can make my wife scream in the bedroom is if I wipe my d*&k on the drapes!"
-Rodney Dangerfield, My Hero-

[Lord Bestyle]

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

[OldTownChief]

"The only way I can make my wife scream in the bedroom is if I wipe my d*&k on the drapes!"
-Rodney Dangerfield, My Hero-



ROFL

[stumppy]

Asked a cab driver to take me to a place I could have a good time with a women. He took me to my wife's house.

Rodney Dangerfield - One funny mofo.

[J Diddy]

A Priest, a Rapist, and a Pedophile all walk into the bar, and that's just the first guy
ROFL

[Dartgod]

I was born a poor black child.

[Over-Head]

That woman’s so ugly; she’d make a freight train take a dirt road

[Brando]

How many @ssholes are there on this ship? Great! I'm surrounded by @ssholes!

[elvomito]

"oh i'm sorry, did i break yo concentration?"
-samuel l jackson, pulp fiction

[38yrsfan]

I loved a girl in Chicago once .............. no make that twice.
Hawkeye, MASH.

[Baby Lee]

"oh i'm sorry, did i break yo concentration?"
-samuel l jackson, pulp fiction
An all time great cinematic scene

Check out the big brain on Brad.
"What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "What?"
JULES - Now describe to me what Marsellus Wallace looks like!
BRETT - Well he's ...he's...black --
JULES - -- go on!
BRETT - ...and he's...he's...tall --
JULES - -- does he look like a bitch?!

[Ultra Peanut]

Speaking of Tarantino movies...

"Son number one, this tall drink of cocksucker ain't dead."

[38yrsfan]

What's another word for thesaurus?

Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me," the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

[38yrsfan]

If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest does it make a sound?

If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

[Slayer Diablo]

"Before I left, I told my girlfriend that I wouldn't drink or see anyone else until I got back.....give me some of that gin, but make it a small one; I got a date tonight."

--M*A*S*H

[InvinciBill]

"Before I left, I told my girlfriend that I wouldn't drink or see anyone else until I got back.....give me some of that gin, but make it a small one; I got a date tonight."

--M*A*S*H

"Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?"
-Hawkeye to Hot Lips

[Over-Head]

"So many gun's and so few brain cells"
Humphrey Bogart

"YOU!! Off my planet!
George Carlin

"Earth's Full...GO HOME"
Red Fox

"The fu@k ya at the drive through!"
Joe Pecci (sp) in Lethal weapon

[Baby Lee]

"YOU!! Off my planet!
George Carlin
Stewardess: Get on the plane, sir.
Carlin: F@ck you! I'm getting in the plane.

[Slayer Diablo]

I'm very open-minded...have been ever since that accident involving my girlfriend and the axe.

[Jenson71]

"I could dance with you until the cows come home...on second thought I'd rather dance with the cows when you come home." Groucho Marx

Not particularly funny, but I like it.

[Slayer Diablo]

"If we don't steal ideas, where are they gonna come from?"

--Roger Myers (The Simpsons)