| Baby Lee |
11-21-2005 03:00 PM |
Classic Dave Barry
Quote:
Today I want to tell you about an Amazing Home Medical
Remedy that you are definitely going to want to try if you are one
of the thousands of Americans who have:
1. Ear wax.
2. Fire insurance.
I am talking about an ear-wax-removal product called "ear
candles." I swear I am not making this product up. Ear candles
were brought to my attention by alert reader Marianna Wright-
Newton, who sent me an advertisement featuring a cartoon drawing
of a man lying down on his side; sticking out of his left ear is a
long, tapered object with flames shooting out of the top. This is
not a small candle such as you find on birthday cakes. This is
more along the lines of the torches that the villagers used to
chase the monster out of Dr. Frankenstein's castle.
The cartoon man's mouth is wide open, and he has sort of a
strange expression; you can't tell whether he's saying, "This
certainly is a fine home remedy!" or "Help! My brain is on
fire!"
I sent my order in immediately. At risk of becoming the
celebrity spokesperson for this dreaded condition, let me come
right out and state that I am an ear wax victim. There are many of
us out here -- lonely, tortured souls, little understood by
society. We can't even talk frankly about our condition with each
other.
EAR WAX VICTIM: Let's talk frankly about our condition.
SECOND VICTIM: WHAT?
So we suffer in silent isolation, hiding our shameful
little secret, doing our best to "fit in," secretly terrified
that one day, in a social setting, somebody will get up and say,
"I know! Let's all look inside each other's ears!"
There is no cure for ear wax. You can temporarily remove
it via an unpleasant process involving chemicals and a squeeze
bulb, but your body just manufactures more. There is a sound
biological reason for this; namely, your body is stupid. Your body
is constantly manufacturing things you don't need, such as ear
wax, fat and zits. Wouldn't it be nice if, just once, your body
would manufacture something you could actually use?
BUS DRIVER: You can't get on this bus without a token.
YOU: But I don't have a Wait a minute ...
YOUR BODY: (Blurp.) (clink.)
You: There you are.
BUS DRIVER: I'm not touching that.
So I sent my order for ear candles off to Quality Health
Products, Box 375, Fayette, Ohio 43521, and several weeks later
they arrived. There were five candles, which made me wonder about
the medical expertise of the folks at Quality Health Products,
inasmuch as the typical U.S. resident, according to the most
recent census data, has an even number of ears.
The candles are actually hollow cones, about 10 inches
long, made of cotton and wax. The brochure states: "Basically, an
ear candle is put into the ear and lit with a match by a second
person. ... The flame creates a vacuum which pulls the wax out of
the ear into the ear candle." Under the heading "Can anything go
wrong?" appears this: "If the ear candle is not well seated in
the ear when you start, you might notice smoke coming out the
bottom. Stop immediately. Put it out and start over. It lost its
draw and was going the other way."
I hate it when that happens.
So I followed the instructions very carefully. I cut a
small hole in the center of a paper plate -- which I assumed was
supposed to protect my head from burning stuff falling from the
candle -- then I poked the skinny end of the candle through the
hole and seated it firmly in my ear. Then I lay down on my side,
with my head under the plate and the candle sticking into the air.
My wife and son and our two dogs gathered to watch. It was a tense
moment, kind of like just before they ignite the rockets in the
Space Shuttle. At my command, my son, Rob, who is 12 and therefore
will cheerfully set anything on fire, including his father, lit
the candle. It flared right up, and I could hear a hissing sound
in my ear, and I thought to myself: What if something goes wrong
here? What would the newspapers say?
MAN KILLED IN EAR BLAZE
Deserved To Die, Authorities Say
But nothing bad happened. In fact, it was kind of a nice,
old-fashioned scene, the whole family gathered around to bask in
the glow of Dad's ear candle. I'm sorry we didn't have
marshmallows.
When the candle had burned down close to my head, Rob, in
accordance with the instructions, extinguished it with a wet paper
towel. I then pulled the candle out and unwrapped it. Because this
is a family newspaper, I will not go into detail about what was
inside, other than to say that everybody was grossed out except
the dogs, who displayed the kind of keen interest that they
usually reserve for rancid squirrel parts.
So I believe that this is a fine product. Even if you're
not an ear wax, victim, you'd probably find it to be useful in
situations where you wish to receive special attention, such as
fine restaurants. ("Waiter, please bring our entrees promptly, as
my ear candle is burning down.") At only $2.50 each, ear candles
also make a delightful gift for the new graduate or the young
woman who has just gotten engaged. ("Will you marry me?" "WHAT?")
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