Because my Internet failed when I answered the first one, and then I forgot to answer them when I got back on.

Roy Tarpley is now a member of Century 21's "Million-Dollar Sales Club" in Plano, Texas. He doesn't need the money, so now it's all about getting that gold jacket.

Fat Lever is busy on the lecture tour for his "Stop Mean Nicknames Forever" foundation, which has been lauded by such luminaries as Tip O'Neil, Whoopi Goldberg, Digger Phelps, and Winnie the Pooh.

No.

Market research shows that Tony Iommi will help Black Sabbath gain market penetration into the ever-elusive and fickle amputee segment.

No.

Stop hanging your sausage and bells on the door.

A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Not under current U.S. labor laws.

Dear Rain Man,

Will you be watching the premier of the Travel Channel's "1001 Places to See Before You Die" on Thursday? What do you predict their number one place to see before you die will be?

Your fan,

Jenson71

You Sir, are a scandal set upon humanity...for shame......

Rainman, do chickens have large talons?!

Probably ... best ... show ... ever. I have the book already, but I don't know what #1 will be. If I had to guess, I would go with the inside of the Great Pyramid, because if that's the last place you see before you die, it would be pretty cool to pass away in the royal tomb.

Those worms and grubs don't just jump into their mouths now, do they? To many insect species, chickens are a combination of grizzly bear, great white shark, and salt-water crocodile. Worms make horror movies about chickens. Grubs view chickens like Europeans view the plague. Chickens are killing machines.

Rainman,

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Clarification needed. African or European?

lets do a comparision of both the African and the European bird while each is without and with a coconut in it's clutches.....

What was the worst "Best Picture" of all time?

Herr RegenMann,

Should we despise the puritanical prudes that decreed that a woman's breast should not be exposed in public, depriving mankind of the opportunity to view all shapes and manner of jiggling tissue?

or..

Should we thank them for creating the present situation where we obsess about women's breasts, always trying to catch a peek of even the hint of cleavage.

Rainman, I was a participant in a focus group the other night, and a person came into the room and quietly told one surly, opinionated woman in the group that she had a phone call, reminding her to bring her coat and purse with her.

She never returned.

What happened?

So what would you do if you were watching an apollo 9 documentary concerning the effects of subatomic particles, when anna nicole smith drove by your house chewing licorice on her way to her tax accountant (who has an eye disease) in her datsun b210 beating a dog cause she was upset about the current level of dairy subsidies while pondering the meaning of a transmission gear ratio while some children were in the front yard playing with a nerf football with crappy diapers?

I think it would be interesting to ask Rainman questions and require that he answer them with posts that are already on the Planet.

African or European coconut?

Rain Man, 1988. They got me all wrong.

Well, mostly wrong.

Okay. I'm not a very good driver.

This, THIS, is a great philosophical question. Are we better with societal mores that create taboo desires that are all the sweeter for being taboo, or are we better off enjoying the desires for their own merits in a world where they are not taboo?

Does the luscious vision of a gently bouncing mammary gland have more appeal because we aren't allowed to see them at will? Yes, certainly. Raging hormonal storms aside, ask any 14 year-old the price he would pay to see those silken globes, and it would certainly be higher than the price offered by a jaded 35 year-old with herpes of eight origins. Similarly, lesbian snuff films demand a higher price than does your basic heterosexual liaison film, and a rock of crack demands a higher price than does a rock of Pop Rocks. So we can't deny that "taboo" has an economic value.

But so does access. A lesbian snuff film or a rock of crack available at the mom and pop corner market down the street would fetch a higher price than a lesbian snuff film or rock of crack that is available at a mamasan and papasan corner store in Yokohama (setting aside differences in Asian vs. American lesbian snuff films, since we all know that Asian porn is really, really hot other than those weird little squeals they make). So one can make an argument that society generates a public value from the benefit of easy everyday access to an item as opposed to a false shortage created by tabooification.

Since both sides have benefits, they must be carefully measured against each other to make an educated answer to this question. A theoretical experiment would set two towns against each other. Town A will measure the total sales of pornography in an environment where the female breast is not shown in public. This will be the determined benefit. Town B, ten miles away, will measure the impact of requiring women to be topless at all times, and by the maximum "areola tax" that men would be willing to pay to live in the town. (At the moment, we will ignore the economic benefit of the spending patterns in the local community of the hundreds of thousands of men who will immediately move to that community.)

If we assume that the average adult male spends, ohhhh, $50 a month on pornography on average (recall that this figure includes blind men, wild ape men, the Amish, henpecked men, and men with vivid imaginations who write and draw their own pornography because the producers of pornography can never get that whole "San Diego cheerleaders captured by female pirates, covered with baby oil, and forced to wrestle each other on deck while holding sex toys" scene properly), then we ask the question, "Would men pay a $50 per month areola tax to live in Town B?

I think we all know the answer to that. Town B would eventually dwarf Manhattan, and tumbleweeds would overrun Town A.

Show us the breasts.

Someone made the decision to abandon the surly opinionated market, which is a huge mistake if the ad being tested is for handguns.

I refuse to answer that question.

William Bartee sucks.


Hmm, that didn't work very well.

Boxers or briefs?

Ah, yes. The classic question of whether we should settle our differences with fisticuffs or with litigation. As much as our society denigrates lawyers, our tort system ensures that even the smallest, weakest people who don't know a left jab from a right cross can defend their rights or pursue the rights of others. As a man of civilization, I must go with briefs.

Well played, sir. So then, it begs teh question: Hood or Helmet?

Señor Hombre de la Lluvia,

Thank you for your detailed explanation of the breast exposure issue. I would quibble on your example of the two competing towns. I would agree with your outcome if it occurred today in our society. However, if the exposed breast town existed for generations, man might become immune to the powerfull allure of the breast. Still, I enjoyed the descriptive terms of your explanation.


A bonus question for Tuesday.

Is there a time, post puberty and pre death, when the amount of sex you want is equal to the amount of sex you get? (I don't think this question applies to women).

What did you do to DaFace?

And how many licks does it take to get to the chocolate center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

I'm hiding.

From Rainman?

Slave driver, right?

Shhh...don't let him know I'm here.

HEY DAFACE
What did you say?

I couldn't hear you.

well both, duh....

I'm a fence sitter, boxer briefs... no or.

Rainman, if every possible gift that could ever be given to someone else were ranked on a "lameness scale", what gifts would be deemed lamer than someone paying a company to name a star after you in some book that is ignored by law and science? What is the socially required minimum decorum and protocol that must be observed when receiving such an incredibly lame gift?

Rainman,

Why is Sanjaya still on American Idol? Do you see him winning?

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Here's one for the Great Rainman.


First the story...

We had to go to OKC today. On the way home the wife wants to stop at a Kohls to shop for easter dresses. At the other end of a large complex is a Lowes. There are several things I need there. It is raining so I pull up to the door of Kohls so she can get out and walk in without being in the rain. Before she gets out I tell her, I will run to Lowes and get what I need and will come back and meet there at Kohls when I am through. As we are each shopping in our respective stores, the rain starts pouring - enough to make a hurricane look like a drizzle. I struck out - they didn't have any of the things I was looking for so I decided to head over to Kohls. I run out to the van and get soaked in the process. I pull up to Kohls and start to wonder if there is some way I can let the wife know that I am at the curb because I really don't want to park and run through the rain into the store to announce my arival. Since she left her phone with girls at home so calling her was out. While I was calling home to have the kids look up the store # on the pc I see my wife heading towards Kohls from the direction of Lowes. I had been gone 20-30 minutes tops and she NEVER gets through shopping that quickly. She gets in the van and is FUMING at me because she walked all the way to Lowes in the rain, paged me, saw me accross the large complex, waved at me and I didn't see her. When I mentioned that I did indeed tell her to wait at Kohls and I would return, she really got mad.


Why is it that no matter what, men are always in the wrong and women are always in the right?

It's is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

I'll take a try at this one, Pastor.

I think it comes down to the Law of Supply and Demand.

Since we want what they can supply, they are in the position to make demands.

One of their demands is to always be right.

Rain Man, where do the Denver Broncos rate as an NFL franchise? On a scale of 1 to 32.

Where is he?

I regret to inform you all that Rain Man has...uhh...fled to an unknown South American country...or something like that.

I could try and answer questions for him, but I'm afraid that he hasn't imparted more than 1% of his wit and knowledge to me at this point. I'm afraid you'll all just have to wait until the day that he decides to return for answers to your queries.