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Iowanian, this thread is funny chit.
Don't try doing back flips off a dock after a full day of fishing and drinking... Don't try fishing after 3 hefty sized Bloody Marries and chasing it with shots of Hot Dam ! It does make for a great chum line however ! Every young boy learns quickly to never eva piss on an electric fence ! Never ever drink three bottles of Boones Farm on Homecoming night and then fill the last bottle of wine with Beer twice... Never party hardy before a Hall n Oats concert ! Thank God I'm growing up slowly. |
My lesson...
Never ever (while pissed off) swat a plugged up toilet with the plunger. A porcelain toilet can NOT take much of an impact. |
This is not my proudest moment and may be part of the reason I am the way I am.....
Never.....under any circumstance.....while standing in 1 foot of water, try to unplug something from a wall socket. That was one of my brain farts. I'm not even sure what I was thinking. Just walked right up to it and grabbed the plug. Luckily, I didn't get a firm grip on it before the shock hit me and I easily let go. But it scared the shit out of me. This is precisely why I refuse to do any electrical work.....I just don't pay enough attention at times. |
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You mean ol' skool fleshlights? |
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Mexican food after heavy drinking... |
Don't join the Army the morning after an EPIC party because the recruiter offers to take you out to breakfast at the "Western Sizzlin".
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If you are driving down the highway after a night of drinking, and your buddy needs to puke but you don't want to pull to the side of the highway and draw attention to yourself, so you tell him just to open the door, lean out and puke while cruising along at 60 mph (he was buckled in), either go ahead and pull over or get a down payment on having a shit load of puke cleaned out of your back seat.
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If you're going fishing and crossing an electric fence it is a good idea to check to see if the wire is hot before grabbing. I did that.
It is NOT however a good idea to touch said wire with a graphite fishing rod, as it does NOT tingle in your finger like a blade of grass does. BLAMO! Never use a passenger mirror of a mini-van as a power source while on a bicycle. Don't cut towards yourself with a pocket knife...especially a dull one. Nikki's dad is a light sleeper, you can see his bedroom door from the sofa. Remember that if he opens the door, and you're doing what you're doing, its not going to end well. |
.=" "=._.---.
." c ' Y'`p / , `. w_/ jgs | '-. / / _,..._| )_-\ \_=.\ `-....-'`------)))`=-'"`'" |
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I've had a vision......a vision I shared with my brothers and other bad influences in my life, as a going-away send-off this week. The problem is, the idea took.
I hope Darwin is on vacation tomorrow evening. ....and yes, this past weekend, the Eggsident story came up in front of people...as did the popcornapalooza, and then the story of the pamper-chef "unmeltable spoon-Mushroom cooking fiasco". |
Remember this story? Proceed to bottom of quote.
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So, the other night, I'm on the way to pick up some items for packages and get a call from brideowanian. She gives me a short quick list to pick up and something clicks...she slipped in "microwave plate cover"....wait....I just got a new one of those after the popcorn incident along with the lesson in proper use of the microwave. Guess who forgot to take it out and threw a bag of popcorn in without taking out that dish cover and melted it...JUST LIKE I DID? |
This is sooooo easy.
Dad always told me to never cosign for anything for anyone. It has been/is a very expensive lesson. |
Supper?
People really say "Supper" out there? Do you ring the "Supper Bell" when its ready? Ha Ha...only playing....
As far as a diet, I have a great idea. Eat whatever you want, as fast as you want. Immediately run into the bathroom, put two fingers down your throat and throw it all right back up. You accomplish two things: 1. You enjoyed whatever you wanted to taste, and immediately "fprced" it back out of your system, you wont have to burn any calories, fat, excess proteins, etc. 2. You get a killer AB work out from all of the force of the vomit coming right back up, violently. Sure their might be some long term health concerns from using this process, however, its way better than running and doing 1000 sit ups..... do it for two straight weeks, stop for 2 weeks, repeat. Quote:
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Actually, I barf a lot. It's an over-rated diet plan.
I was kind of hoping you'd have discussed making your face Oompa Loompa orange, or the consequences of using a jetblast to spike your blow'd up DO...maybe negative side effects of using a wood chipper with a big neck chain hanging out of your half-bottoned shirt. |
NEVER get drunk and pee on an electric fence :shake:
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My brother learned the hard way that just because something looks like chocolate doesn't mean it is. He ate nearly an entire box of Exlax (sp?) when he was three or four.
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If you're the d-bag SAIA driver bringing an expensive crate to my office, don't be a douchebag, want help unloading it and plan on leaving it 10' from my office door...outside.
It turns out that when I pay hundreds of dollars to have something delivered, I expect your ass to at least have the ability to unload it, via machine or manpower and No, I'm not paying extra to have it hauled 10' indoors. You can't help me move the 200lb crate 10' to get it indoors because you might hurt your back....but I'm supposed to help you do your job and unload it and carry it 30' out of the parking lot? Yes, the hard lesson is you are going to catch an iowani-esque futhermuckering of your candy-union ass that isn't pleasant. The lesson is, D-bag probably had a long ride home afterwards and I probably need my mouth soaped. Yes, when my cousin pulls into the parking lot, I'm going to say "get out of the way douchebag, the men will take it from here" or something to that effect. dick. |
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I just learned that if you're gonna make spaghetti; wear a shirt while you cook or you might get Ragu burns on your nipples.
Also, I learned that two paper plates are decent substitutes to eliminate further sauce bubbles on the stove if you can't find the lid for your sauce pan. |
Oh yea, wanna use some butthole beads on your girl? Sure you do. Make sure you use the all rubber/silcone kind. String broke on me as I was trying to pull them out all sensually. Ol girl had to shit them out, kinda ruined the moment.
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Don't confuse Army athlete's foot powder with the regular body powder and put it on your frank and beans.
Bad idea, it only takes about 30 seconds to realize it. |
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Ouch. ROFL |
my father gave me a CB radio and told me to only use it for emergencies and not to fuck with people (this was before the days of the cell phone btw). Well, I get on there with a friend and we start talking a whole bunch of $hit. I guess they can find you with more advanced CB radio's and we learned the hard way not to fuck with people on that thing.
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hmm....
I'm from KC homey, and I am not a North Jersey Guido. That is like saying you all live in trailers, sleep with your sisters and have meth labs....
I havent heard the word "Supper" in a LONG time....I live in Central Jersey on the shore....by "The Boss" and John Bon Jovi.....Not by the Gotti kids and spray bronze capital of the world...For a reference point, The Guido's you reference are Staton Island, Long Island, Elizabeth, Patterson and Newark..... Not Rumson, Fair Haven, etc. They hang at Seaside Heights during the Summer, which is an hour and 1/2 away from here..... Quote:
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Hire an arborist to take down that tree next to the power pole.
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Lesson: Backing out of the driveway.
I dropped a roach and reached down to get it while backing out and backed into the neighbor lady driving down the street. She was really pissed, cussing me up and down. Can't blame her though. |
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meat this fairly hot girl at the bar and we prceeded to get drunk and friendly walked her to her car invited her hoime she said bo 2 days later she's telling me she woanted to do me right there but now she's found another guy so I finished in the shower |
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god I hope your a chick |
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did this to a buddy once he got a dwi I got my ass beat by my dad |
New lessons come every day.
so. If you're traveling for business and you hit a "dead zone" typically for phone and radio station of your choice use caution. You see, sometimes when a man has been on the road for 3hrs he gets bored and will forget himself and do things he typically may not do. For example. If you're driving as mentioned above, and you're going to pocket dial a coworker, don't do it when you're having your own personal American Idol audition going on in the cab of your ride. He has speaker phone, and on that day, cell reception isn't going to be a problem. That's right....in the spot I couldn't make a phone call for $1mil any time I drive through it.....I pocket call a coworker, when I'm singing a tune and it stays for 10 minutes, and he's got speaker phone. |
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Lemme guess... <iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/M11SvDtPBhA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe> |
I'm just glad it wasn't one of the songs from that damn wii dance game my little girls do.....It could have been some Madonna or Dynomite......
I couldn't even remember doing it until he called me the third time while was in my meeting to laugh at me......and then on the way home I caught myself doing it again. I'm pretty sure he got John Denver "the scotsman" and possibly some Eagles. I'd have preferred had been Waylon Jennings or George Jones day in my mental ipod...But I'm glad it wasn't "we are the dinosaurs" Lauri Berkner day. |
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I pocket dialed mid-song once - the car was smart enough to catch the call and pipe it in over the radio before I had a chance to make an ass of myself. Thank you car, thank you very much. |
I have learned that you can't make money unless you got good health and your eyes work and your teeth aren't rotting. So take care of yourself.
I have learned to sit in there when times are tough and don't have ass the pain. Pray, go for a walk, face that stuff or you will never grow. I have learned to have the life of your dreams requires millions of boring tasks, so either make the boring tasks fun, or accept that the tasks will be boring. I have learned that some people just don't want to be in your life, and you need to focus your thoughts on people that need you and your help, and not focus on people that are trash. |
Never try to take a steering wheel off of a 1970 Ford F-150 without a wheel puller
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Never tell yourself "it'll be a quiet one" in a public setting.
Trust me...it won't be a quiet one. |
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As the professor and a hundred or two people turned around, I did what any self respecting young man would do, and looked quickly at the sorority girl sitting behind me. |
Several of mine from years ago involved the phrase, "hold my beer and watch this!" Nothing good ever comes after those words are spoken. :shake:
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If she says "No" it does not mean "NO"...it just means you dont have enough money yet...also it could really mean no, but that's why you duct tape them first...wait..what ?
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they told me not to have a few cigs when I went out drinking with my boys, but I "knew" I wouldn't get addicted. Still am, lesson learned.
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So, today was interesting and in the end, this story is probably about the hard way.
It's not often I find myself speechless, but today it happened. It has been furious and hectic at work, high stress, long hours more stress. On the last day of the common workweek, around mid morning, my office receives a visit from a special friend, a young adult with special needs. We talk to him, we mentor him, hell, I'm taking him hunting this spring, we enjoy his company most of the time. Today, as he completed his tour of the office, I assumed he had left because it was quiet, you can usually tell where this person is in the building. So I run to the other end on an errand and find the young man sitting at one of my coworker's desk....looking at porn. Vile, filthy porn and I'm pretty certain giving Gilligan a shake over the pants. I can't begin to tell you how interesting the history file was in that 5-10 minutes unaccounted for this morning.... I guess we're going to have to keep a closer eye on things next week. |
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That deserved it's own thread, btw. I mean, shit Iowa... We've had a ten page discussion about a redneck shooting a lap-top. Feel free to post it.
Posted via Mobile Device |
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(Not the special kid looking at porn part... the fact that your office doesn't have porn firewalls.) |
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Everybody has special needs from time to time, Mr. Iowanian.
FAX |
Never flip on a switch you don't know what it's connected to.
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If you happen to be more qualified for your boss's job than s/he is, do your very best to make sure s/he doesn't know that until at least your new-hire probationary period is over.
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Got a phone call this weekend, confirming there would be no more breaks for adult cinema or shaking of gilligan during future visits.
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Damn no more releasing the hounds.
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and if you do it my office again there no more visit bignasty no more pinky winky videoin public
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Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time
HTC Inspire/Cleardroid |
When speaking to a female, never begin or end a sentence with the word "bitch."
BAD, BAD things will ensue. |
You can lead a horse to water.....
Do you know how hard it is to hire good people? I've created some jobs, quality jobs and I'm overpaying the market for those skills which I seek. I've had people him-haw about not being close enough to their girlfriend....tell me within 2 minutes of an interview that they were fired from their previous job within 3 months for not doing as instructed, demand to work remotely, whine about the location and try to choose a different office location where this work isn't done. Demanding. whining. pussy whipped. Hell, I've called professor recommended unemployed new grads and essentially laid an job in their lap if they show initiative.... I've determined that very few unemployed college graduates actually WANT a job...one that starts very quickly, overpaying to attract quality people.... Shut unemployment benefits off yesterday. Sonnabitch. |
Are you trying to lure people that would have to make a significant commute? Guess I always got the impression you're somewhere in the farmfields of Iowa.
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They'd have to relocate or commute. But I'm making its worth their time and is an excellent career builder.
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in the shower |
MTGs ex wifes supposedly ex bf sure learned the hard way. MTG learned him real good.
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I'll relocate for the right opportunity but I want to work 6 hours for 10 hours pay.
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Thought I was invincible at my job. I had a lot of freedom and a big head at the time. I was caught at home during work hours. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, maybe a warning or a few days suspension (a wake up call).
I was fired and denied unemployment. I lost a lot and got myself into a lot of debt. I was unable to find a job for 4 months, bills were stacking quickly. My truck was repossessed at the time. I got a new job and I'm working up the ladder once again. Lesson learned, don't take shit for granted and luxury isn't that great. Cherish what you have now. |
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I've learned not to run up the ladder wells on an aircraft carrier too quickly, otherwise one may become concussed.
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