Here's what I mean when I say her turning on you:

Scenario A: You set some clear boundaries with consequences. She knows what they are. You give her age-appropriate freedoms (you have to determine what age appropriate means). When she violates a boundary, you follow through with consequences. And then you take your chances just like every other parent. And you probably don't go digging for information that you don't want to learn.

Scenario B: You keep her under close surveillance. You monitor her every activity. You scare away every boy that comes close. You limit her opportunities to be without adult supervision. She becomes bitter and feels like you don't respect her. How do you think she will respond when she turns 18 or goes away to college?

As I said, my daughter is 20. She is no where near ready to support herself financially. But if she gets knocked up I'll help her give the child up for adoption. I won't support one of her kids and I won't help her with an abortion. If she doesn't want to give the child up for adoption, she can figure things out for herself. That is my boundary that I am comfortable with. Someone else's might be different. I hope I never need to resort to that contingency, but I have a plan in place if worse comes to worse.

Just take a sharpie and color over the camera when she leaves it laying around.

Honestly, though, kids can pick up on sincerity and will respond to the honest communication more than bringing the hammer down. Once you explain what is wrong and what is okay, and make boundaries clear, she will know what will fly and what won't.

If she violates these boundaries, punishment is necessary. Sounds like she doesn't know the boundaries yet, though. So coming down hard on her won't accomplish anything positive, it will just confuse and anger her.

I'd simply say "Be yourself. You are beautiful on who you are. If other people or a guy can't see that, then well, that's their problem. Not yours."

My advice is to compile the advice from Luv and Clay. Then take everything they say and follow it to the last detail.

Damn, that would be tough to kick a grandkid to the curb like that. But I understand what you are saying.

Great points but you're focusing on the chores too much. She does the chores no problem and is honestly quite good about it. The story I gave was just a story about today. But we have no problem with her and chores... She's actually a GREAT kid, honest, sneaky as we all were, with a good head on her shoulders.

Pictures, I don't think she's sent nekidd pics of anything more than the fat girl lips out profile pose.

But I will make it clear that it's a proviledge. Text was disabled, so she got around that with Skype. Since I've disabled Skype from our network also.

This this this. That shit gets out on the Internet it can haunt her forever.

As far as the rest theres not a whole lot you can do. Just keep trying to be a good parent, and find positive activities to keep her busy and boost her self-esteem. If that happens the other stuff will take care of itself.

I would advise against letting her know you read her entire conversation. That will just push her away and make her a lot more secretive in the future.

She knows we looked through it and wifey has spoken to her about what was found and called her on it.

Remind her that her worth is not determined by those around her, especially by those who want something from her. Only she gets to determine her worth, and others will react accordingly.

Make sure she knows the only people worth valuing and keeping around in her life are the ones who care about her and build her up, rather than manipulate and keep her down.

So you dealt with it and then asked for advice? Little backwards thinking there.

So "No Boys" doesn't establish a boundary?

I am not going to pretend to be an expert on something I have zero experience at. If it was me like you I would probably ground her for a couple weeks and take the phone letting her know how I feel about what she has done. You made the rules, she broke the rules. If there is no consiquence then what is the point of having rules? At 13 I don't think it is unreasonable to look at her phone. There is no point in having those rules if you can't enforce them. That being said once the 2 weeks is over I think I would give her the phone back and let her know if it happens again there will be no phone until 16 no matter how much she cries about it. I personally wouldn't ban her from ever talking to boys though, but that's just me. I would restrict the time.

Comeon Coach this is 2011... I think examples will hit home more than the You're beautiful speech. It may already seem like I preach to her a lot although it's more related to her sport activities.

Maybe I am focusing on the chores too much, so I'll just ignore it. It still doesn't change the fact that she still ran up the phone and been texting/skyping as well.

But on the other hand, texting and skyping is the new age of technology. Maybe she wants to get into that. It's reasonable to do so. I know I text more than I talk. Perhaps she should be entitled to that as well?

And suzzer99 is right, I would not want to tell her what you have found. That's just going to make her even more protective of herself, and going to do things that you don't want to even know.

No... Wifey spoke with her... I'm asking what to do on my end and what could/should we have and can still do differently.

Just wait til the next time it happens and take it away. IMO, everyone gets a second chance.

The whole, "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me" deal.

If it happens again just take the phone away and let her know that when she gets a job at 16 to afford her own phone then she can get another one.

At the same time, the age 13-15 range is when kids are starting to find their own identy, and they are going to start exploring the oppisite sex.

I think the "no boys" rule is a little harsh, but that is me.

Well, I don't know, I just think it's good to establish lessons like this early, a lot of girls do not realize the consequences of doing things like that at that age.

Its kind of ambiguous and umbrella-ish. Specifics, and to some degree, reasoning, will help to clarify to her that you have her best interest at heart. Tell her to ask if she's unsure about something... and also tell her that if she's unsure, its probably a sign that she shouldn't be doing it.

The kid would be in a good home if adopted.

I just don't have raising another kid in me.

Fair enough. I'm just only giving advice as best as I can.

I know... but they don't need to be talking on the phone... IMO. I don't care how much she needs to find herself. She has next year on (Freshman) to do all that.

The progression goes...
Talking on phone...
Then dating...

So not ready for dating at the 8th grade.
I'll keep my harshness on this one.

No boys IS VERY umbrellaish... That's the awesomeness about it.
Besides... skyping boys STRICTLY FALL UNDER THE NO BOYS RULE.

There's always the I am sending you to an all girls school threat.

Highschool is where it gets a little crazy.

She will be around 18 year old young men with bad intentions. She will also be "competing" for attention with little Susie slut mouth, and will get her feelings hurt when she doesn't put out for the pimple faced asshole.

Lots of pressures will be on her, but trusting her dad, and knowing her dad trusts her is paramount for heading into this phase of life.

If you were 13, and if your father/mother said the same thing to you, then how are you going to find yourself? How are you going to explore the other side of the gender? I'm not referring to sexually, but more of communication.

I think she is wanting to grow into as an adult, but when rules establish like no boys, it only frusterates her growth. And possibly the trust between you two.

Unless you want her to be like Claythan, then, well, more power to you.

Nah... that's over doing it.
I guess it boils down to, starting to let her fly and spread her wings.
Just hope no "oopses" pop up in the process.

We'll talk and get an feeling for where things are going.

I have a 12 y/o daughter, and we gave her a cell phone for Christmas. I wouldn't recommend taking the phone away for good for a couple of reasons: 1) it was a gift, 2) since you let her go out with her friends, it will always provide you a way to contact her whenever you want- one of our conditions on our daughter having the phone was that she answer it whenever we call, and 3) a cell phone for a teen (or tween) daughter is the best leverage you will ever have in terms of discipline/consequences for bad behavior. Being grounded from the phone is worse than being grounded and not being able to go outside; you permanantly get rid of the phone and that option goes out the window quickly. The phone (and the possibility of losing access to it for periods of time) is a great way to modify t(w)een behavior.

I really don't think that your daughter has done anything really out of line for her age (I know it still drives you ape shit; it does me too). As a parent, it is important to have a continued and ongoing conversation about how important it is to respect our bodies, and what the consequences are if we don't do that, especially in this day and age. She probably knows the "nuts and bolts" of sex, but there is no way that she can possibly understand the implications and impacts of sex or presexual behavior. Make sure that she understands that she has ownership over her body, that it is more precious than anything any boy can offer her and to not give it up lightly. Also, make sure she understands that you want to meet any and every boy that she dates or spends time with; set clear understandings, boundaries and expectations with her.

You have to let her grow, but you don't have to let her grow up in one day, one week, one month or even one year; it is an ongoing process.

Good luck, those of us with daughters need it.

Dude... STFU! I don't want to know that's ahead.
That's where I think Wifey is going to come in HUGE.
Good thing is... next year is an all freshman school.
10-12 is HS.

I'm sure you will do fine dude. You are a great father, much better than you probably give yourself credit for. You love her. She knows you love her. The fact that you are so concerned will come across and no girl really wants to let down a father like that. Best of luck to you brother.

There's nothing she needs to talk with guys about over the phone right now. She can explore the other sex next year. She's not missing out on anything. She talks to the lil fuggers all day before, during and after school since she's in every activity known to man.

Make no mistake, she's a popular social butterfly. Not one of those kids in one of those shells.

You need a progression.

At this age, I'd say talking to boys is okay. School dances are okay. You are allowing normal interaction without too much opportunity for things to go too far. Yes she will probably do somethings you aren't comfortable with. All kids do.

Dating would be out for me until she was at least 15. You also want to limit times when she could be alone with a guy. Once her and her boyfriends have cars there is very little you can do except trust the upbringing you've given her. It is pretty much out of your control at that point. You could insist that she only go out with groups of friends, but if she wants to lie, that is easy enough to work around.

It's tough, I know.

Nip it in the bud. Do NOT let her start down that road at 13 Next she will be showing hiem way more than that.

Make yer give you her phone before she goes to bed and that you give it to her in the morning


OUr kid was caught texting all hours of the night and not sleeping

Great advice. Exactly what I'm looking for also. Why do I need to know/meet every lil fugger she dates? Isn't that one of those situations where "the guy she really likes" meets the parents? Not every Tom Dick and Hairy that's ultimately trying to do only one thing... Get in her pants!

That is so huge man. 13/14 year olds do NOT need to be hanging out with 18 year olds. That's a crime begging to be committed.

But my point was.... as bad as it is... you NEED to know what's ahead, or at least what could be ahead. Putting your head in the sand is only going to bite you in the ass.

But more than you needing to know whats ahead, she needs some idea so that she can tell whats an "okay" situation and whats a "not okay" situation.

How proud would you be if she said, "dad, this guy who pretended to like me said exactly what you told me he was going to! And i thought of what you said, and I told him to kick rocks!"

She does all that. I'm sorry... you guys misunderstand... I mean "no boys" concerning the phone. No talking, texting, communications with boys with THAT phone nor the house phone.

What is your reasoning on no phone talking? Maybe there is something I'm missing about this. I could see where if she did it for hours a day that could be a problem. But what about a half-an-hour a day?

It lets her know that you are interested in her life no matter what. When she is out on her own and making all of her own decisions, she will bring "the guy she really likes" to meet the parents. Until that time, while she is under your roof, I think you owe it to her (and yourself) to know the people she is hanging out with- male or female.

Meeting the boy also sends a message to him- you screw up and you will have to deal with me. Make sure he understands that you expect him to respect your daughter (whether you express that verbally or not).

It's about being and staying engaged as an active part of as much of her life as possible. If it's just known from the get go the this is the policy for all boys, she won't be as inclined to rebel as if you try to selectively apply it.

Also as much as they push back, teenagers actually still crave that feeling that you want to know what they're up to and be part of their lives. Think of the most well-adjusted kids from your high school. They were usually the ones who did lots of activities in which their parents were also involved, and were still buddies with their parents to some degree (while the mal-adjusted kids were usually the opposite).

Because I don't want to open that door just yet.
Next year yes... Not this year though.
Hell, if she's chatting about cup sizes and how far she's been with guys, that let's me know she's not ready to have conversations on the fon with boys at the moment.

See my progressions from previous post. Not rushing a thing.

They have nothing to discuss fruitful at the moment and it's an issue I'd rather not deal with at the moment.

SPOT ON! :thumb:
Makes hella sense!

You in the Hickman District? I went there and i know they just started that.

Honestly. Don't really have much advise. I have to do it in 10 years and i know it will be the hardest part of raising a girl. She is going to 14, dab in the middle of puberty. You see her as daddy's little girl, and you will probably always see her that way, but truth of the matter is, She's growing up. in 2 years she'll be dating and going to proms etc. Its hard to sit back and watch your little girl become a woman.

As far as the phone, she broke a rule. You know she did but she doesn't know you know. Ask her, and see if she will be truthful with you. She has to know that you mean business. You set the boundary of "no boys", you have to follow it. Grounding her from the phone for 2 weeks seems reasonable. You aren't grounding her because of the kissing a boy, you're doing it because she broke the rule of communicating with the boy on the phone.

Thats all i have man...

No. BS.

She's probably not allowed to date so there is no need to be talking to them on he phone unless it was like a childhood friend

This :thumb:

I feel where you're coming from. Im dreading the day i have to deal with it. I just say if you taught her morals growing up all you need to do is reinforce them along the way and thats pretty much all you can do. Just let her know you care and you'll be there for her through good and bad. After that, you'll just have to sloooooowly start letting go. She's her own person and will ultimately do what she wants. Girls are sneaky as hell

One thing that helped me was reading that teenagers brains aren't wired correctly yet. I forget all the details, but basically they're predisposed to all kinds of mood swings, impulsive behavior, judgement errors, bad ethical decisions, faulty reasoning, etc. For me anyway, putting it in that light helped me not take any of that stuff personally, or fear my kid was going to turn out that way.

Instead I looked at it more as a problem of how to get through to her w/o pushing her away or laying it on too thick. For example, one of my favorite moves is to tell some story about how stupid I was in HS on some point I want to get across to her. That way instead of a confrontational lecture, I get the same point across with an entertaining story. Luckily I ****ed up about every way imaginable in HS, and so have an endless repertoire of stories in this area.

To be sure, getting through to a teen is a very tricky problem, and a constantly moving target. But if you can eliminate the personal aspect, it becomes a little more manageable imo. Good luck!

Ok, so you have a boundary that she wasn't to use her phone for talking to guys. She broke that. There needs to be a consequence. Two weeks without the phone sounds about right for a first offense.

My last advice would be to take some time now to think about your timetable with the progression of talking to boys on the phone, dating, curfews and the like. The whole process of your daughter growing up is going to be incredibly uncomfortable for you. There is really no escaping that feeling. So given that you are not going to like the process, what is the timeline for the progression? How are you going to manage your discomfort?

Great point. I figure next year she'll be allowed to talk to boys... I'm guessing 10th grade she'll be dating.

I do know she had a bf earlier this year.

This is why I thank the 6 lb baby jesus every day that Lumpy and I didn't have a girl. Kids nowadays are having sexual relationships younger and younger every generation. That being said, there's really not a lot you can do but try to have a mature conversation with her and hope she's got a good enough head on her shoulders to do the right thing.
If you try to force your authority on her and punish her, etc. she'll just become more rebellious and likely act out.
Just my .02 man. Good luck with all that.
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Hmm...

I could see his at 17 or 18...

but 20?

20 is still young...but a child at 20 isn't something to really frown at...mistake or not.

16? 17? 18 even...? Yeah...I'd agree.

lets get back to this 20 year old daughter though...she into older guys?! Older guys with low ceilings?

Let me know.

well tell her about the dangers of flirting but don't cut her nose off to spite her face. Let her have the phone but tell her that you love her and you just want to make she safe cause boys are always trying to make girls do uncomfortable things. Also she don't want any labels on her.

the problem with teenage daughters is some of them develop extremely fast...

I mean, lets be honest...

This is going to scare everyone...when I was 16 I landed my first real girlfriend...she was a freshmen in high school and she could have easily passed as a senior looks wise...started her period when she was 12...very developed...basically the week she turned 15 we had been dating for 2 months or so and had "messed around" quite frequently...

at that point I was just happy to have landed the girl I had been after since the day I first saw her at school for the 1st time...I had yet to have a real girlfriend and she was the first girl I really had a HUGE crush on (before that I was more into fantasy baseball than girls)...

anyways I had no idea what the process of "messing around" was...I just assumed we were nowhere close to having sex...and then she basically demanded it one day (she was 15)...I didn't even have to push for it.

Fast forward 10 years and that girl and I are still decent enough friends...and she's not a slutty girl by any means (which surprises me a bit lol)...

She was just ahead of the curve when she was 15...15 mentally for sure...but physically? She was a woman at a very young age...

Shit I was 16.5 and she was just 15 and in terms of the "puberty process"...she was a full blown adult and I still couldn't grow a lick of facial hair.

it's just a tough situation...teenagers are starting earlier and earlier...

freshman girls are as mature as senior guys...Senior guys are looking for one thing.

so you're ****ed if you have a young daughter, and feel bad for that 14 year old son you have who looks like he's still 10 and is having a hard time because of it...

I'm not a parent, but I hope to be one someday...my parents are divorced and have lived in different states since I was very young...despite what many think on this site I think they did a pretty good job...but they were different

my dad being strict (and 2 states away) and my mom being too lenient...

anyways I've decided my primary role as a parent is caretaker...I'd love to be able to provide for my children in the best way possible and give them all of the advantages my parents gave me...but I also think my role as a parent is to guide my children...try and set them up to make GOOD decisions...but realize at the end of the day...once they hit that certain age (maybe it's 13, 15...whatever)...it's their decision to make and it's their decision they'll have to live with...some will be good, some will bad...hopefully a lesson will always be learned.

I'd say give the phone back but talk to her about it. I also don't get the no texting thing. Why is that there?

But yeah, talk to her. Tell her what you're okay with and not okay with and let her go from there.

Cassel sucks

Only thing I'd say is try not to be too cautious about making your daughter mad. She is a teenager and regardless of what you do, she will eventually hate you regardless.

Choice comes down to having her hate you because you didn't take any shit, or hating you because she felt you were somehow responsible for getting knocked up as a teen and now has no future.

This is easily one of the most frightening threads on ChiefsPlanet.

To this point, it's also a great illustration that we're not always assholes to our own, as almost all of the responses have been very respectful.

This. I'm not a parent, but I'd think if the problem is "girl is too young for sex" the answer is not "take away her phone". You will have to sit down and have a discussion with her (either parent, or both, whatever you think will work better) about sex and waiting and specifically that boys are horny uncaring little bastards who only want to get girls naked. The hard part will be revealing that you invaded her privacy by looking at her phone, but unfortunately the cold truth of it is: when you're a 13-year-old girl, and you're using a phone that you didn't pay for, you don't HAVE any right to privacy. And this situation is the perfect example: kids think they know best, but they don't.

Sorry fathers, todays 13 does not = 13 of yesteryear.

Chances are pretty good that this young woman is right in her peer group when it comes to sexual exploration. MOF, some are way more advanced. Like losing their virginity.

How to treat her sexuality and how you treat her technological intelligence are two seperate things. She needs to be informed about privacy, safety, and risk involved in participating in Skype, Facebook, etc. She needs to learn these bumps early so that by the time she is 16 or 18 she is not posting pictures of herself in a bikini or sexting.

The natural inclination here is to reign in her usage and control what she's exposed to. I think this is a mistake. You and your wife should monitor her more closely but still allow her to learn the ropes while you still are able to have some sort of control over her behavior. By 16 they know ways around firewalls, webmail, fake screennames in order to avoid parental monitoring. You should make it quite clear to her that this is going to be the case and is part of her accepting a cell phone. It will not be done in private or without her knowledge.

As far as her sexuality, you learned that information by invading her privacy. Thus YOU should have no say in this particular matter. You have vioated her trust. Your wife, OTOH, should start to talk to her about age appropriate limits and stages.

This is not about you or what you think your daughter should be doing sexually. Fact is she is a sexual being and is going to experinent with that fact. Your part in this is to teach her that boys (or girls FTM) are not always going to treat her with her best interest at heart. Thus, she needs to be very careful who she gives herself to...in all ways and always.

Last bit of advice, sign up for Facebook and help her set up her page. Set one up yourself and friend her. Set it up with all the privacy restrictions and keep the password. This will allow her to be learning about FB early vs. later when she has no idea how to handle her personal matters in a public forum.

It is these kinds of scenarios that make me glad I have a boy. That comes with a whole different type of baggage.

Wut I feel for you man.

I find this attitude so frustrating and completely ignorant. Sorry.

She has every right to expect privacy at 13. The problem is she FORFEITS that right when she decides to share personal information with STRANGERS or others who are not concerned with her privacy.

Telling her she has no privacy will GUARANTEE she will sneak around and lie. Rather, tell her she has the right to exepct privacy but it's hers to LOSE if she does not handle herself appropriately.

Worse yet, the lesson she hears and learns is if she has no expecation or right to privacy and boundaries from her parents then who does she have it from? Do you really want your daughter out in the world not understanding or valuing her personal privacy or boundaries?

Frankly, "yesteryear" wasn't much better. Unless you grew up in the 1950s, I'm pretty sure the age of sexual experimentation has always been a lot lower than parents like to think. When they were kids, they probably did it between 10 and 15, but when they become parents they become naturally defensive of their children and suddenly their brain tells them it was really 18-20 that they did that stuff at.

I think parents have a natural tendency to make hard-line boundaries and take stuff away, and forget that it has the exact opposite effect. I know, when I was a kid, the one way to get me to do something was to make it taboo or illegal. Say "don't do..." and a kid will spend every waking moment trying to do it.

When I was around nine, my dad was smoking. I tugged on his jacket and pointed at the cig. He said, "What, you want to try this?" I nodded eagerly. He handed it to me. I took a drag and choked, and spent the next half-hour coughing. He laughed his ass off. I never wanted to smoke cigarettes again. Around the same age, he would buy me little nips of blackberry brandy to try. While other kids were grousing about their parents not letting them drink, I was bragging that my dad bought me nips of blackberry brandy. Obviously I was only sipping on them occasionally, but the simple fact that it was not "off limits" to me made me not want to do it more. He also said, "If you want to get shitfaced, I'll go out and buy you all the beer you want, and you can get shitfaced right here in the house. If you try to go out and do it, I'll beat the crap out of you." And, of course, because that was more of a hard-ass line, I crossed it repeatedly, especially between 17 and 21 (drinking illegally at heavy metal concerts, driving while buzzed, etc.,.). But as soon as I hit 21, my drinking fell off to almost nothing. So I guess my dad did something right. (But I know, in today's world, you could never buy your kid nips of blackberry brandy. They'd take your kids away and throw you in jail.)

One thing you could do.

Yes, but it's expensive to buy so many of them and put them on all the boys in the neighborhood.

I see where your going with this

http://www.westracbelize.com/dynamic...ntifreeze3.jpg

http://www.thedailygreen.com/cm/thed...DG-IGYN-fb.jpg

You could get two boys at a time with these.

Taking the phone away would be a big mistake IMO. Not because it was a gift, you can invade her privacy or any of the other BS. It's a fricking electronic leash. There's not a whole lot better ways to keep track of her.
I don't know that I honestly buy off on the whole no boys thing, but if it's a set of rules you installed so be it. Though mine wasn't the least bit interested in boys until about 15 (I wonder if that was why I started losing my hair about that time).

Everyone parents differently, and often each child needs to be parented differently.

You do realize you can go online and see all of her texts, correct? At least you can with ATT. It's okay to look at the texts on her phone but don't say a word about it, you have information that they are not aware that you have. It can help you manage events and your daughter to go down a path that you approve but she herself chooses.

Taking away her phone will not work. This generation lives in and with social media. You can't fight that if you want your daughter to be treated as "normal" by her peers.

Ypu can't "punish" here into making right choices in her life. She now needs your help in making the "right" choice on her own, She has to be allowed to fail and make bad decisions. What you don't want is those "bad" decisions to be something she can't recover from.

There's always going to be a guy who wants to go further that she wants to go, an oppertunity to try drugs, go to parties. You can't stop that from happening. You just have to help her learn how to deal with those situations and hope she makes the right choice.

Its his daughter who is living under his roof. She is a minor. It IS his business. :shake:

In post #29 he said she lives "under their home" so I'm guessing a crawl space or something.

Bingo... Same here... I have a 14 yr old daughter, she is absolutely gorgeous and every dumbass kid likes her, which sucks ass ... I have most of those little bastards terrified of me.

I pay the bill, I can read her phone at any time I want.... She knew this upfront...
Phone is on charger on the bar at 9pm sharp.... 1 min late she loses it for a day..... You would be surprised how prompt they can be....

13 and 14 is too young and it makes me sick to think of some little bastard with his hands up my daughters shirt but you know it's gonna happen...


Good luck to ya brah, I am in the same boat

This makes a world of sense but you know how scary that approach could be. You coulda turned alcoholic, etc. Don't believe in trying that approach. Just trying to go about the way we were raised and the way my mother raise my sis. She often heeds of mistakes around what age she made.

One of them was giving her freedom around the 12-14 range. Sister took it and ran with it.

Yes this is the big brother age, everything is being recorded. Every move you make, every breath you take.

One more important thingy.... I did a browser history check on her laptop last week and saw that she'd been visiting a porn website. Told her to stay off of those sites.

Sprint can't check texts online.

We can give you advice but we don't know your little girl, You do. Somethings proposed here will work, some won't. You know how mature she is and what type of parenting techniques she will respond to. Just use your parental discernment and you will be fine.

Go into her setting and lock those out. Make yourself the administrator and limit her access to those.