That's one of the funniest deleted posts I've ever seen, but on to my question...

Dear Dr. Doom,

I’ll be traveling to Detroit soon for business. Having watched Kentucky Fried Movie a few times, I know it's similar to the 7th layer of hell, minus central heating. What are some tips -- or some do’s and don’ts -- that I should either use to prepare or follow while I’m there, in order to come home without any souvenir gunshot wounds?

Sincerely,

Potential Homicide Case #9249671

Dear Dr. Iowanian,

The locals here at the Lake Of The Ozarks really hate the tourists. They wonder why if it is tourist season, we can't shoot 'em?

The locals also say that the tourists from Iowa are the worst of the lot, and believe that IOWA is an acronym for Idiots Out Wondering Around.

I don't really know why, and am hoping you could enlighten me.

I'll hang up now and listen off the air, thanx in advance.

Dinny

he said "tourists"
as if it's Melbourne or something.

By "Locals" are you refering to the yokels, or the financially secure arseholes who migrated their with their penile-compensating boats to live on the lake?

Dislike for Iowans likely stems from our high literacy rates and full sets of teeth. I doubt many of them would like the income at local businesses, demand for services and goods, realestate prices, tax rates and lack of infrastructure being paid for by fuel, hotel, sales, Local Option sales taxes, as well as financial contribution to the communities during our visits.

Next time this topic arises, tell them that this Iowanian considers the Ozarks a flyover territory on the way to a real lake, that resides on the Arkansas-Mo boarder. Invite them to fornicate their relative of choice in the location that makes their orthadontist cringe.

Detroit could indeed be the Taint of the United States.

According to recent movies, should you be approached by an unsavory group, they're only there to challenge you to a dance fight, or maybe a rap battle.

Should this situation arise, be sure to include any number of previously posted iowani-lines to dis' dem propa.

Dear Dr Doom,

Next month I will once again be traveling to Las Vegas and need your help.You see each time I go I cannot help but be drawn to the sportsbook to bet on the KC Chiefs.Be it a game in season or a futures bet to win it all I can't seem to just say no and am drawn like a moth to light that this will be the one,my ticket that will finally hit.Alas,it never works out and I am left with nothing but the dreams of what good my money could have done elsewhere.

Please help me as I need to overcome this battle and turn and walk away.

Iowa? We call that Ohio around here.

Nzoner.....

When I am rolling the bones, on a come out point, I play a nickle world, betting the horn and 7 to cover myself should boxcards pop up.

This is my advice to you. Should you feel the need to bet on the Chiefs during your trip, bet the "Under" on season total wins, unless its 5 or less. The Nickle world bet for you in this situation is....should the Chiefs have a good season, you'll be happy and not give as thought to your lost money.

Spot on. I think they're aware of the economic impact, but I also think their parents are very close.

Now I need to know why I think it's so funny when Bob Dole calls somebody a dipshit or Donger interviews somebody.

It would be even funnier if there was a way to determine who had been called a dipshit the most number of times and have the winner interviewed by Donger.

Dinny

Dear ''Keyboard of doom'',

What is your opinion of Buckinkaeding ''the poster''

Dear Keyboard of Doom-

Just suspended the ex's phone line and went down to a smaller plan on my cell phone. Took less than an hour for at&t to call to let me know that he had tried to access my account. He's called me several times from another phone, but I'm at work. I will not answer and get into it with him here. He left a voicemail, so I'll listen to that after work. Any good tidbits on what I should say when he calls tonight?

I hate people and I am not sure what to do about it. I really would rather not go to jail. Thanks.

Dear Dr. Doom:

Serious question here.

We have a neighbor across the street who has recently acquired a small dog who is, apparently, kept out-of-doors and yaps continually, incessantly, relentlessly and without let up both day and night. Did I mention it never stops? I'm certain that someone has already contacted the home owners' association, but the asshole dog continues to bark in its high-pitched, shrill, and extremely aggrevating manner so it's safe to assume that the association is doing nothing about it.

To make matters worse, the dog is in their back yard which is enclosed by a very high, wooden fence that would be difficult, if not impossible, to breach without a ladder. Also, the fence prevents me from getting a good shot at the little bastard. What should I do?

FAX

why are you paying for his phone?

tell him he's a big boy and can open a new account and pay for it himself.

Looong story, but I'm just fed up with being nice. He may be 34, but he acts the same age as his girlfriend, which is 17.