I don't think I've received that one, but it seems like I've seen it. I love it. LMAO

A couple of sappy ones.



The Poor Donkey


One day a poor farmer found that his donkey had fallen into a well. The
animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what
to
do.

Finally he decided the animal was too old for useful work anymore and
that
the well had dried up and needed to be filled anyway - it just wasn't
worth
it to retrieve the donkey.

So he sent word to all his neighbors to come over and help him. They
appeared later on with their shovels and began to throw dirt into the
well.
At first, the donkey cried horribly at this unforeseen turn of events.
But
then, to everyone's amazement, he quit braying and was silent.

Minutes passed as they silently shoveled until the farmer finally looked
down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel full
the
donkey would shake the dirt off his back and then step up. The farmer's
neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, and the donkey
continued to shake it off and take a step up. By night fall they were
amazed
as the donkey's head appeared at the edge of the well. Furiously they
shoveled faster until the dirt filled the well and the donkey stepped
over
the edge and trotted off!

Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick
to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. With
steadfast effort on your part, those who shoveled dirt on top of you will
soon admire your spirit and help you out of the well. We can get out of
the
deepest wells just by never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

I actually cried when I read this one. I know. I'm such a chick.


>The old phone
>
>When I was quite young, my father had one of the
>first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the
>polished, old case fastened to the wall.
>
>The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I
>was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen
>with fascination when my mother talked to it.
>
>Then I discovered that somewhere inside the
>wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name
>was "Information Please" and there was nothing
>she did not know. Information Please could supply
>anyone's number and the correct time. My personal
>experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day
>while my mother was visiting a neighbor.
>
>Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I
>whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was
>terrible, but there seemed no point in crying
>because there was no one home to give sympathy.
>
>I walked around the house sucking my throbbing
>finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone ---
>Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged
>it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver
>in the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please"
>I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or
>two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.
>
>"Information."
>
>"I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came
>readily enough now that I had an audience.
>
>"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.
>
>"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.
>
>"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.
>
>"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer
>and it hurts."
>
>"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.
>
>I said I could.
>
>"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to
>your finger," said the voice.
>
>After that, I called "Information Please" for
>everything.
>
>I asked her for help with my geography, and she told
>me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.
>She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just
>the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.
>
>Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary,
>died. I called, "Information Please," and told her the sad story.
>She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a
>child. But I was not consoled.
>
>I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and
>bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on
>the bottom of a cage?"
>
>She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly,
>"Paul always remember that there are other worlds to sing in."
>
>Somehow I felt better.
>
>Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."
>
>"Information," said in the now familiar voice.
>
>"How do I spell fix?" I asked.
>
>All this took place in a small town in the Pacific
>northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across
>the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much.
>"Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back
>home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new
>phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens,
>
>the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.
>Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene
>sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding,
>
>and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
>
>A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle.
>I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on
>the phone with my sister, who lived there now.
>Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and
>said,"Information Please."
>
>Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.
>
>"Information."
>
>I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me
>how to spell fix?"
>
>There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your
>finger must have healed by now."
>
>I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how
>much you meant to me during that time?"
>
>"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me. I never
>had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."
>
>I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I
>could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
>
>"Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."
>
>Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered,
>"Information." I asked for Sally.
>
>"Are you a friend?" she said.
>
>"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.
>
>"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had been working
>part-time the last few years because she was sick.
>She died five weeks ago."
>
>Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did
>you say your name was Paul?"
>
>"Yes," I answered.
>
>
>"Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called.
>
>Let me read it to you."
>The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what
>I mean."
>
>I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
>
>Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life
>have you touched today?
>

I had the CEO of an IT firm here describe this email to me today, and he thought it was a great idea (:rolleyes:)! I thought... :spock:.

I got it forwarded to me from my mom this evening... I guess it's making the rounds. How stupid are people?

:shake:

Subject: A Plan that WILL WORK for Americans

I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in
a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000
bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman
and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a
We Deserve It Dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free.
So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.
A husband and wife has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college – it'll be there
Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car – create jobs
Invest in the market – capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance – health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean – or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks
who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company
that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out
a puny $1000.00 ( 'vote buy' ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.

If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG – liquidate it.
Sell off its parts.
Let American General go back to being American General.
Sell off the real estate.
Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.

Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.'

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC .

And remember, this plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned
instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.


Kindest personal regards,

As 'tarded as that is, I would love to have $200K just fall in my lap for no reason.

the math is the reeruned part. it doesn't become 425k per person, it becomes $425. Christ. How do people overlook this shit? And you said he was a CEO?

Yep, I looked at him all puzzled, then just shut my mouth (was trying to close a sale). Was going to come home and google it to make sure that I wasn't missing some detail that he might have left out of his story.

Sadly, my own mother had forwarded it to me after getting it from a family friend.

Stupid.

:shake:

Our Nation Is at Risk


THIS IS TRUE!!!! I BOUGHT THE BOOK 'THE AUDACITY OF HOPE'!!

From Dreams of My Father:'I ceased to advertise my mother's race at the age of 12 or 13, when I began to suspect that by doing so I was ingratiating myself to whites.'

From Dreams of My Father : 'I found a solace in nursing a pervasive sense of grievance and animosity against my mother's race.'

From Dreams of My Father:'There was something about him that made me wary, a little too sure of himself, maybe. And white.'

From Dreams of My Father: 'It remained necessary to prove which side you were on, to show your loyalty to the black masses, to strike out and name names.'

From Dreams of My Father:'I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa , that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself , the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois and Mandela.'



And FINALLY the Most Damning one of ALL of them!!!

From Audacity of Hope:'I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction.'

Man I always delete email forwards, I hate them.

Everyone, please send this out.



Dear friends,

Two weeks ago, the Research Association for Internet Network Maintenance and Neosystematics released a disturbing study about the system's e-mail capacity.

To summarize that study, the number of e-mails sent each year has grown exponentially since the inception of e-mail systems. In 1971, the year of the first e-mail, the total number of e-mails sent was 8. Current projections show approximately 35 BILLION e-mails sent EVERY DAY.

Of these 35 billion e-mails, it is estimated that approximately 57 percent are spam e-mails and forwarded e-mails of topics deemed to be cute, inspirational, funny, or otherwise worthy of being sent to others in a person's circle of friends and acquaintances.

Now, however, e-mail traffic is rapidly consuming available Internet transmission space, to the point where experts now expect the current infrastructure to be overwhelmed within 16 to 24 months. This means that e-mails that now take only seconds to deliver could take up to four days, slower than actual physical mail.

While long-term solutions are still needed, we can all help in the short-term by limiting the number of non-vital e-mails that we forward to friends, relatives, coworkers, and acquaintances. If we completely eliminate all forwarded mass e-mail, we could conceivably keep the current e-mail system up and running for another four to six years while experts work on a more permanent fix.

Please send this to everyone you know, so we can save the e-mail system!

> MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
>
> NICKNAMES
>
> * If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
> * If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
>
> EATING OUT
>
> * When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
> * When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
>
> MONEY
>
> * A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> * A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
>
> BATHROOMS
>
> * A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
> * The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
>
> ARGUMENTS
>
> * A woman has the last word in any argument.
> * Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
> FUTURE
>
> * A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> * A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
> SUCCESS
>
> * A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> * A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
> MARRIAGE
>
> * A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> * A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
>
> DRESSING UP
>
> * A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> * A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. - maybe
>
> NATURAL
>
> * Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> * Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
>
> OFFSPRING
>
> * Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> * A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
>
> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

not a funny one, but I liked it....
 

TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine!

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.'

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.'

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the waste disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.'

HR Dept.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
language will no longer be tolerated. Therefore, a list of 18 New and
Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper
exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late .
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with....
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10

TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Today is International Disturbed People's Day. Please send an
encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally
pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're frigging special.

This is the kind of crap I get every day. :shake:

Hello Friend,

when God speaks, it would surely come to reality. I received
God and knowing the truth ,i understand that the truth have
set me free. Having known the truth, I had no choice than to do
what is lawful and right in the sight of God for eternal life
. I have the pleasure to share my testimony with you,
I am Barrister Catherine Levett ,i am from UK(UNITED KINGDOM), i
am the legal adviser to late Mr and Mrs Elizabeth Chapman , a
Russian couple that lived in my Country UK for 25 years before
they died in plane crash. They were good Christians, They were
so Dedicated to God, but they had no child until their death .
Throughout their stay in my country in United Kingdom here , they
acquired a lot of properties like Lands, house properties, etc.
As their legal adviser, before their death, they Instructed me to
write their WILL. Because they had no child, they dedicated all
their wealth to God and the needy in the society . According to
the WILL, the properties have to be sold and 40 percent of the
money will be given out to the person who will manage and
utilize this money very well for his own personal use ,then the
remaining 60 percent will be given to the same person so he will
use it for the ministry that will spread the works of God, and
for the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans,
destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children,
barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped
financially. As Their legal adviser, all the documents for the
Properties were in my care.





In short, I sold all the
properties after their death, as they instructed and as matter of
fact, after I sold all their properties, I realized MORE THAN
Twenty million, five hundred thousand US Dollars
($20.500,000,00), what was supposed to be the percentage
interest of my right legal fee was firstly deducted by me out of
the total amount realized from the sold properties, this was
based on the initial agreement between me and the owner of the
properties before their death. Therefore the total amount left
for the person that will manage the money and the money to be
invested into God's work as instructed by the owner is Eighteen
million, five hundred thousand US Dollars ($18.500,000,00) only.
But Instead of giving the FUND OUT as instructed to me by the
owner before their death, I converted the fund to myself with the
intention of investing the fund abroad for my personal use. I was
afraid of putting the fund in the Bank, because I had to give
account to the bank on how I got the money. I then packaged the
fund in consignments and deposited the consignments with a
security company. I did not want the management of the Security
Company to know the content of the consignments; therefore I
registered the content of the consignments as Gold Bars.



I had an encounter with God when Rev. Billy Graham was
preaching on television concerning Ananas and Sapphires who told
lies when they were told to bring money ,so that lives of people
will be saved in Acts 5:1-11. After hearing the word of God, I
gave my life to God and became a born again Christian. As a
born again Christian, I started reading my bible and one day, the
God opened my eyes to Ezekiel 33: 18 and 19 where the word of
God says: "When the righteous turneth from his righteousness, and
committeth iniquity, he shall even die thereby. But if the wicked
turn from his wickedness, and do that which is lawful and right,
he shall live thereby". I have asked God for
forgiveness and I know that God has forgiven me. But I have to do
what is lawful and right in the sight of God by giving out the
fund to the chosen ministry for the purpose of God's work and
needy people all over the world, as instructed by the owner
before her death. After my fasting and prayers, I asked God to make his choice and direct me to a honest Person but after my
fervent prayer over it, then you were nominated to me through
divine revelation from God, to
contact you ,for you to take 40 percent of the funds of Eighteen
million, five hundred thousand US Dollars ($18.500,000,00)for
yourself , and then to use wisely the remaining 60 percent of
the same money for the works of helping the underpriviledged in
the society. . I have notified the Security Company where I
deposited the consignments that contained the fund that I am
moving the consignment abroad, and the security company has since
been waiting for my authority , so that the consignment will
leave my country and move to abroad. You should forward to me
your full name ,mailing contact address , telephone and fax
number for easy communication and to fax you the documents
concerning the consignments. Prompt response will be highly
appreciated.


Yours in God .

Barrister Catherine Levett

Attn: Sir/Madam,

My name is Mr. Song Li. I work with the Hang Seng Bank. There is a sum
of $19,500,000.00 in my bank Hang Seng Bank", Hong Kong.
There were no beneficiaries stated concerning these funds which means
no one would ever come to claim it. That is why I ask that
we work together.

I do solicit for your assistance in effecting this transaction. I
intend to give 30% of the total funds as compensation for your
assistance. I will notify you on the full transaction on receipt of
your response if interested, and I shall send you the
details and necessary procedures with which to make the transfer.

Should you be interested? Please send me your:
1. Full names
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address

Kindly indicate interest by replying with the below email address
only: Email: [email protected]

Kind Regards,
Mr. Song Li