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Father and son talks always bring a tear to my eye. |
If she hangs out with older cousins/ family members, be on top of that too. That's where I got ALL my info from. Cousins who were 6-8 years older than me.
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Set the restriction up on the laptop to safe search strict. |
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Fairplay, she could just click that safe surfin stuff off |
I don't envy you. Teenage girls are hell on a dad.
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I have a 12 year old daughter and I'm scared as hell with all the porn and sexting going on out there. On her schools advice, we jumped my daughter from 5th grade to junior high. From dolls and hopscotch to a bunch of horny boys. So far she's handled it good (horses are more important), but I know what's lurking around the corner. Good luck to you. |
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When her middle daughter was 16, she got pregnant. Instead of making a big deal out of it, she was almost too excited about it. She chose to raise the child while my niece was able to run and play and not be forced to be a mother. I think that is sending the absolute wrong message. Keep in mind that my neither my niece or my sister are married. Then her oldest (son) is on his second kid (out of wedlock). He has no job and no way to support these kids. Sure, he's not a teen anymore (24), but he is not exactly ready to settle down and raise kids either. Most recently, my sister's youngest kid got pregnant when she was 17 and still in high school (couple years ago). When I found out my sister made some smart ass comment about my son (who was 16 at the time) was next. I said **** you, I'm not accepting of that behavior like she is. Yeah, I know it is possible and I can't control everything they do all the time. You have to hope you raised them right and they make the right decisions. But they know I will kill them if they make me a grandparent while still in my 30s or 40s. |
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Yes, but can't you just up a password on the laptop so she can't change it? |
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Please be sure to monitor her FB and other social network sites. I don't know how many of my students put pictures on there and show off their new found "glory" and it then gets spread around school and other schools then we have a huge mess.
I don't know why girls think that taking pictures of themselves in lowcut shirts woudn't get spread around. Years later when they apply for career jobs, what they do now could come back to bite them. |
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When you gave her the phone the first rules should have been:
1. Disable the web etc., which you did. 2. Tell her that she has no right to privacy on the phone. You paid for the phone and monthly bills, you get to review the history and texts whenever you want. 3. She isn't allowed to erase any messages or history without your consent. 4. When you find the things you did, you have to talk to her about it. Not only about the content of the exact message you are concerned about, but the fact that the texts can be copied/saved/sent to whoever. Make sure that she understands when she tells one boy "her cup size, etc.," that there is a great likelihood that he is reading it with his friends and is passing it along. Don't say anything to anyone unless you don't mind the entire school knowing. "In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose." She's still you little girl when she turns 18 and will still need help and guidance. Your job isn't done because she hits some magical number. |
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I've got a 14 year old and the rule on facebook is this. I must be a friend, you must not post anything that I can not see, if I find out that you do I make her delete the account. That being said I have caught some provocative pictures a couple of days ago and a 22 year old nigerian "friend" which I've stopped immediately. I have no illusions of total control and I'm sure she does post things that don't go through me but I've caught some and unless I want to monitor her internet activity 24/7 thats pretty much what I can hope for. As far as the phone thing in the OP, she too has a phone. It too has been more of a hassle than anything else. I frequently check the charges as she has purchased outside ringtones in the past and blocked them and out of country text messages (the nigerian). She knows that her phone is open to inspection at any time and she also knows that sprint keeps a log of all pic messages sent. She also knows I am the only one who has access to add or delete those pictures. My approach is to give her just enough rope to hang her self with. Hopefully she doesn't. If she puts herself into a bad position, I have enough controls to prevent it from becoming a catastrophe. This way, I feel, it can become a learning experience and not a tragedy. |
we took our kids phone away at night and gave it to her in the mornings. She would talk to her friends all night and then be so tired at school.
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edit: Just had a talk about this thread with my daughter and she asked what "grinding" was. When we explained it to her, she said, "GROSS!!" I know we cant shelter them forever, but damn I'm not looking forward to this crap. I think it depends on the girl maturity level also. Mine is all about sports and could care less about boys THANK GOD!! Good luck Wutamess!! |
Facebook is an incredible tool to stay in and keep track of our kid's social lives that our parents never had. Generally kids don't want to actively hide most of that stuff, they just aren't very forthcoming with it.
For my parents trying to get anything out of me abut my friends and social life was like pulling teeth. But if they could see it on FB (the g-rated version obviously) I probably wouldn't have minded so much. I just never wanted to sit down with them and talk about it. Also kids don't realize how much we can figure out from just the g-rated versions of stuff. They don't realize we pulled the exact same shit. Use this to your advantage, but never let on. And don't bug them too much about what they post on facebook, or they'll shut down. |
Look at Hootie contributing.
Anyway, I cannot have kids. Particularly girls. I would go to jail for mass genocide for killing all boys in the school system. Best of luck Rog. |
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All you need to know is "not a parent" I too would come unhinged. |
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Well if you do have kids particularly a girl please inform us. That way we can get all our boys out of the school system. |
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I got a cell for my son when he was 13 with the understanding that it was mine to do with as I pleased as long as I payed the bill. I would ramdomly ask him for the phone and go through it to see what he was up to. The same applied to his computer (my space, facebook, etc). I would tell him to log on, then go through his messages. I never hid the fact I would be doing this, so if he tried to give me any lip about it I simply told him his options. Either you let me check up on you or there will be no phone or computer (except for homework). If chores were not done, the phone was taken for no less than 1 week.
He's out on his own now so I don't have to worry about it anymore. I would say that you should be honest with her about the situation and tell her how you will be handeling things in the future and most importantly, follow through with whatever the penalty is for not following the rules of the house. |
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Good luck with your daughter, I would have to lock her in a cell, if it were my daughter. Granted, my son is going to be 10 in March, but we have great communication. My son and I are pretty close and talk about everything. We already discuss sex, it is everywhere, if he knows what happens now, maybe he will be less likely to be stupid on the subject. Plus, he knows he can talk to me about sex without feeling weird or ashamed. Before giving me crap about my son being keen on the subject of sex, he is a big Family Guy and South Park fan (thanks to Dad), jokes have to be explained, once in a while my son hears...that joke will be best explained when your older, and he accepts that answer. |
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will you talk to me about sex? pretty please? :D |
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i have a 12 year old daughter and she sill thinks boys are gross. parenting superwin!
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Premature win. |
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My input for you....buy the following book it gives you some good tips. "52 Things Kids Need from a Dad" While it doesn't have every answer to every problem, it does give some good insight. But the best advice anyone should give you is that you know your child better than any of us, and you probably already know the answer to your own questions. Good luck. |
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lol |
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My child can be my friend when she's an adult. Until then that's not my job. |
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Just hang tight a yr and get back to me.... P.S. My daughter is 14 |
The "problem" isn't the phone. Sounds like she's becoming active regardless of the phone.
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What would Chinese Tiger Mother do?
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Lol, I might recommend setting the bar a little higher.:D |
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I also have a 13 yr.old daughter, and almost the same situation as yours occurred (although it didn't get past the 'have you ever kissed a boy?' stage). When we found out about it, we brought her into our bedroom and sat down to discuss the matter with her. We did not yell; we simply wore our 'serious' faces and told her that this was inappropriate conversation for a girl of her age.
She was initially mortified that we found out, and then became a bawling mess from embarrassment and shame. I really think that discussing the issue with her in love vs. screaming and the threat of punishment was the best way to go. Of course, she knows now that at any time, I will ask who she's texting and will need to read the texts if I am suspicious in the slightest. With 2 more daughters coming up after her, I expect to be 100% gray within 5 years. Z |
how many of you all have daughters that erase every text they get and make when they come in?
Mine does, but right now we do not let her do much without mom and dad. Thank God she does not like to do sleepovers... |
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I would not let her go to any sleepover a boy is at unless he is like 6 or 7 that includes 15-16 yr old boys, you are playing with fire if you do |
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Bad enough to have a horny 16 yr old in the house but a horny 16 yr old with no parents home? Not happening |
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My mother once asked me if masturbated. I was 12. I told her that was gross and went to my room to masturbate.
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IMO ZepSinger's right, and LAChieffan. See the floor? Ask how many friends she has that are pregnant? Put the serious face on, reinforce the talk. Her ceiling means a lot to you, as you want her to enjoy as much success as she can. Boys can be trouble, and we sure know how they think! 2 cents....
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OK, read the topic for the post talk update.
Critiques wanted. Can't believe I'm that guy to ask CP for advice but thanks guys. Great ideas and input. |
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She's in all kinds of sports/social activities in one of the best school districts in the area. |
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edit: that's what a current student told me but I haven't confirmed |
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I thought you did pretty well. Might have driven home the pregnancy angle a little more along with the STD's tho.
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Sounds like she's scared shitless of sex. Good job.
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BTW, I was clearly wrong about getting her mother to do the honors. It's obvious that little girl does not want to upset or disappoint daddy.
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I still have nightmares when both of our kids were between the ages of 13 to 15. Wait a minute, it was between 16 to 21...no wait a minute they were between the ages of 21 and 30. Damn it, this parenting thing sure gives you gray hairs. ROFL
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good job.
been down this road. ..two pieces of advice. 1) ask yourself, are you being the kind of husband/father you want her to grow up and marry? 2)let her know she's special, and that she needs to remember that when she finally does decide to give HERSELF to someone, they need to be special too. noone can give away her self respect except her. I asked my oldest once if she wanted to go through high school being known as the slut who would be with anyone. I also told her that if she decided to do something, most of the school would know within days...sometimes fear can be a great motivator...the key is give them the information, so they can realize the situation on their own, and choose accordingly. that way, you don't come off in a negative way. rog, you've got a great heart, your girls know this, even if they don't "know" it yet. stay the course, and be the dad. grey hair central. |
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To clarify, let your wife talk to your daughter about touching herself. If your wife touches herself, on the other hand, please ask her to log in and provide us pics. kthxbye. ;) |
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Shame is a powerfull weapon. Extra duty, grounding, setting the punishment and making it stick.
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Watching all those episodes of Ward and June Cleaver handling issues with their kids paid off down the road.
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I haven't read the responses, but overall I like the fact that you were straight up with your daughter about a lot of serious issues. But you HAVE to be careful. Some of what you said can seriously **** a girls LONG TERM sex life up. These are her formative years. And shaming her into thinking that sex is dangerous and wrong and all boys are monsters might relieve you from the stress of the short term. Might even "save her" from some potentially bad decisions and consequences. But you also run the risk of stunting her personal develpment and giving her some serious issues, which she might resent you for later, if she gets over them.
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whew. sorry, no advice for you. I'm just glad 2012 gets here before my daughter turns 13. If the world doesn't end, then I'm hoping someone much better at dealing with teenage girls comes along and teaches me how to do it. Good luck
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Just show an interest in her life, build her self-esteem as much as you possibly can, keep her involved in sports and/or other positive activities that she likes, and pray she doesn't fall in with the wrong boyfriend or crowd. But if you do the first 3 things right, the chances of the 4th will be much lowered.
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Just don't lie to kids about sex and you'll be fine. Your job as a parent (imo) is to PREPARE a kid for adulthood. Let them know what YOUR idea of a healthy sex life is, and what age you atarted and what age you wished you'd have started and why. Tell them about how excited or embarrassed you were. Tell them all the bad and good advice you got and what you learned and how. Unfortunately, your sons and daughters have to start someday, as painful as it might be. You just want to make sure they start off on the right foot so they're future love life will be healthy and fun and safe. Tell them how common stds are and why (make sure YOU know the real information though). Tell them about pregnancy and the very REAL risk of getting into a bad spot if they aren't careful. Talk to them about alcohol!
Overall the idea should be, "becoming an adult is a lot of fun if you pace yourself. If you hurry the process you might look back and regret it. Not because 'adult' things are BAD, they're actually really great, but because they come with responsibilities and consequences that a 13 or 14 year old isn't ready for." |
Try to drive home two points, IMO:
1. Guys lie to get what they want 2. Most girls wish they had waited Disclaimer: I have no children |
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I do have kids. And soon to be 4 grandkids. Still the best advice... |
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The first time I really drove home the point was when she was in like 8th grade. She and her friend served a bunch of littler kids ice cream at an elementary school talent show. She was totally annoyed by the boys who would build some concoction with all the toppings, take one bite and decide they didn't like it, then throw it away and come back for more. I told her yep, you are seeing boys in their base element right there. And they will do the same thing to you if you let them. |
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