Are you seriously Begging Iowani-rep?!

While The Staff of "The Keyboard of Doom" find fanmail very nice, we'd appreciate it if you would refrain from sending any further pictures.

I think Jamie's thinner than that.... ROFL

:LOL: abundances :LOL:

And what you shoot it with. A .22 won't kill it. A .357 magnum will.

Actually, I watched a 1,000lb cow drop about as fast as you can snap your fingers once with a .22. Had one break a leg while we were working them and the neigbor put it down with one shot from a 22. He said you draw an x from from it's eyes to its ears and aim where the x crosses and they will drop every time.

And less hair on my chest.

He's right about the "x"

He's wrong about Every Time. Don't stand too close.

We were about 15 yards away. So we were definately out of the point-blank range.

Question for you on behalf of Brian, Iowanian:

Does this also work with fat girls?

Dear Dr IOWAIN,

Spider on the Orangemane recently admitted he had a 9th grade education on a thread. Is it wrong for me to laugh at that?

Fortunately,Dispatching of the Obeise is out of the Realm of any Iowani-knowledge.

Dear Iowanian,

I have a son of 20 yrs of age. He has met this girl on the internet and has set up a night of whatever he chooses ( in his words ). He has gone as far as wanting to house this girl for 3 nights and 3 days, all in the comforts of our house.

The wife and I balked at this and not to our suprised, he cried foul.

Are we at fault ?

Signed,
Confused with young'ns !

I'm not the great Iowanian, but I'll throw my 2 cents worth in...


I guess me first question would be, will he be upping his rent check amount to cover essential costs of his guest for the time alloted? (I'm assuming at 20 yrs old he is paying rent to live at home)

The up side to her coming to your house is that you are able to supervise the stay and will be on hand to act as chaperones to make sure there's no hanky panky going on.

:)

:hump: is what' on their minds, probally while we are gone tomorrow AM to our grandsons BB game.

Get this, he has never met the girl and the mother is OK with dropping her off while she shacks up with another guy for the weekend .

Times have changed since I was a kid ! :shake:

Times haven't changed. I'm sure this sort of thing went on when you were younger, just not to you!

BTW, how old is the girl?

I can tell you this. My girls wouldn't be dropped off at a guy's house for the weekend.

I'm guessing Mom wants to get her cross-eyed, $400 a month grocery bill little princess knocked up and out of the house.

You better make sure III has a case of condoms and watch him put one on chubby. Don't watch him put it on a banana or his finger because that isn't gonna prevent grandchildren.

20 .........

I don't understand her Mom.... :shake:

The columnist is suprised and enthusiastic to hear this news, however he is not suprised. Spiduhr still exibits the written communication skills of a 4th grade dyslexic. While this information might be deemed useful the next time this person is talking about how dumb Chief fans are, it is probably your duty to encourage him to pursue a GED, so he can actually fill out a job application and legitimately seek employement.

To each their own, I would not allow it. Your son may get the shock of his life to find out he has been typing dirty with a fat 50 year old man :hmmm:

Iowanian's parental units always had the rule that "while under our roof,thy shall follow our rules". Those rules discouraged overnight stays by female counterparts, however they were welcomed to stay in another room, unless married.

Jr just has a chub you couldn't cut with a chainsaw with anticipation. I'd be apt to encourage the duckling to pursue dating activities, however I would be inclided to agree that it might not be a great idea, in this day and age to bring someone you don't know, into your home for 3 days.

Initially, It might be a fair compromise to offer 1 day and 1 night, under your rules. Additional nights, can be spent by 2 consenting adults in a hotel, which someone over 25 may have to rent(which is stoopid in mah opinion). Maybe let them stay in the camper out back so the boy can soak his stubbed pecker in cider.

You should probably talk with him about the possibilities of what he may find if/when he meets said "internet girl". Hot, Rational ladies of sound mind, who aren't looking for something don't cruise the net for 20 year old males who live at home. She might have a larger dong than he does.

Probably be cheaper and less hassle to take him to a juice bar for this education.

That's what scares me. Poor guy might be losing the wrong cherry.

I think his head broke the hymen a long time ago..It shouldn't hurt him too much.

I have to agree. This "girl" might steal Jr's virginity and then proceed to steal anything of value that you have in your house.





Yung "My turds sink" HungWell

My parents wouldn't allow it, but i'm not a believer in what is good for me is what is good for your son. Of course I have no frame of reference. At age 18 I was out of the house already, and my parents didn't care after that. They just said they didn't want any Saul Jr's running around their house anytime soon.

Although...she is 20. He is 20. They should be able to scrape enough money together to meet halfway and get a Super 6 Sleep 'N fuck and a couple of meals. I would say "not in my house." Not because my parents said it, but because:

A) I would not want to hear or see my parents doing the nasty. I don't like to think about it.

B) I would offer them the same courtesy they offered me.

The end.

I know I give you and a bunch of other people around here a lot of shit, but I think you're a pretty decent guy - for a young punk. Heh. That was a quality post.

Hey, don't mention it. I think you are a pretty old guy, for a decent punk.

I know III is about to have a major life problem, and I'm bored.........hit me with your best shot.

Dear Dr IOWANIN :

How come wal-mart's produce isn't very good?

Drea Iowan
 

My Supervisor is a very sweet woman. But she's a...shall we say ..."substantial" sized woman. Not too big....5' 6" and maybe 230 lbs.

( I like to say the face of an angel..the body of a linebacker )

But I digress. It's a constant 75 degrees in our lab. Quite comfy, but she is ALWAYS cold! Shivering, hunkering down over her personal heater, bitchin' about freezing cold!

How can a woman with that much "insulation" be constantly cold?

:shrug:

Saul,
While I'm not positive on the exact problem with Walmart's produce selection, I'll make this observation.

A vast majority of items available at the aforementioned outlet of affordable merchandise is purchased in bulk from CHINA.

In China, tactics for growing vegetables and animals for consumption are less than may be desired in the continental US. An example might be that the lettuce salad you're eating now, was actually grown on a mound in the middle of a septic tank hole in the ground.

My second guess would be that the produce has been touched by numerous members of the butt picking horde of nohandwashers that fondled that fruit prior to you eating it without washing it properly.

Simple.

The amounts of sweets this brontasaurus has consumed has turned her blood into a cholesterol thickened Gravy. This thickening of the blood and hardening of the arteries have restricted the circulation to her extremities.

Thats mah guess.

Dear Dr IOWANAIN:

The poster formely known as Gunther_Fan has revealed his ugly face to this board once again. Should I blow his cover and reveal his identity, or should I make a game out of it (further than i already have..)

Saul,

If that Particular Poster has again shown face on the board, under a new name, Most regulars won't take long to pick up the scent.

The biggest problem Iowanian foresees with his change to yet another username, is how to work it into the next poem dedicated to that poster. If you are inclined to reveal the information in Saul's very own version of "username hangman", do so, knowing that you could draw the wrath of Tony Gonfreaquilizer_fan, and may even incur such undesirable punishment as a whisker burn on your belly from his massive Moustachio.

OMG, this thread is great. ROFL

That's funny. I just tried a red apple from one of their mix bags (green apples, red apples, and oranges) and it was crap. Wasted $5 on that. Well, at least the oranges are alright and maybe the green apples. Still pisses me off, though.

I've tried their bananas, their apples, and their oranges. I'm done with them now. All their fruit has a funky taste, IMO. I guess Iowanian explained it. I'm going to go to Dillons or Food 4 Less for all my produce needs, now.

I don't think I've ever had a problem with their bananas. The oranges sometimes have seeds and occasionally are bitter. I should probably go somewhere else for my fruit.

I'm going to try Aldi's as well. I heard they are really cheap.

Iowanian once worked on a project for large scale animal(hog) confinement facility compounds that were built in China and North Korea.

There compounds had living quarters, the animal facilities, the waste lagoons, and gun towers. Workerswere fenced in and couldn't leave.

Anywho, they were supposed to be "Self sufficient" for the most part. The Sewage from the living quarters went into the lagoons of the animal waste. There were 3-4 lagoons, in various stages......The lagoons..........full of sewage, were also Food sources......One they grew crawdads, shrimp or lobster, one fish, and another it seems like some edible reed like plants. There was a "pit" with a lid where all of the dead animals were dumped to rot........that sludge was used for something else.

nasty.

I used to do all my grocery shopping at Aldi's when I was very young and poor (about 18).

Iowanian,

I have a question but not sure how to word it so you could understand.

Iowanian is not your typical Raider Fan........just word it.


Something tells me to dig the airsick bag out of the desk drawer.

Well, on that note I wont post it. It will have to wait for Monday that way the image will be burnt in peoples minds at the beginning of the week instead of the end of it.

Dear Dr. Iowanian,

Love your column. Could you explain to your fans what your field of expertise is and how you went about getting your doctorate?

- Zach

doc iowa,
i haven't drank a beer in over a month. i just woke up one morning and instead of cracking open a pi$$ warm natty and slurping it down, i opted for black coffee. f@cked up, huh?

what has me concerned is, i'm constantly shaking like a whore in church.

will this cease as time goes by, or should i go back to my old drunkin ways?

your constant reader,
sec

Now that is a true Dilema. The fact that I think I'd rather drink cold goat sweat than hot coffee doesn't help in formulating the proper answer.

It sounds like the Doc and Brideclark have the secjewels in a vicegrip.

I'd like to think that by the time the fish are biting after the ice is off that it would let up.......but whiskey Tango Foxtrot do I know.

I think the best course of action is to tell the Mrs.(your mrs, wiseass) that the shaking is caused by toxic MSB, and that you've been prescribed a daily treatment by your new doc. there are at least 4 valid forms of that treatment ifn' you forgot at your advancing age.

The Cialis commercial says a chub lasting more than 4 hrs can be dangerous, but I'm thinking it could be handy for you to hang your black tape roll and hammer on while on top of those towers.

I'd suggest doing whatever helps keep you positive you're hetero, and off the couch.

Ah heck with it



So this one time, I was making out with this chick, an exgirlfriend of mine, in my truck at the Best Buy parking lot on 115th and metcalf. We were going at it and decided to move to a more quieter spot, the empty restaurant's parking lot just north of the Picadelly cafe. Heavy petting ensued and after awhile it was her turn. So she unbuttoned her pants, and I was overtaken by this concoction of roadkill and dead fish. She had told me that she was on her period, but that didnt really phase me. What bothered me was that rank smell. So I flat out told her she stank and her reply was "well, during my heavy flow days I dont take a shower or use pads over and over. I just shove a tampon up there and pull it out in a few days." Furthermore she passed on this great tidbit "Why take a shower or change pads if its just going to get all messed up again." SHe literally would wait a day or two through her heavy days until it was light.

This is the kicker. There was always this weird smell in her room. She always blamed it on the "dead mice in the basement" but eventaully everyone found out what it was. A few times she had problems with um, overflowing, and she rolled it all up in her panties and stuffed them in her closet. Her parents fianlly got sick of the smell and decided to help clean her room. I wasnt going to help snoop around so I was watching TV in her bedroom while they cleaned. They got to the closet, the last dirty section. After moving boxes around they found the crusty dried up panties and she got into alot of trouble over that. That was the only time I felt bad for her parents, because imagine finding that in your own house or better yet doing the laundry and coming across a mess like that.


So my question is how the hell can a woman go that long without changing her "feminine hygiene products" and doesnt that cause major problems?? along with the most hideous gangrenish smell!

Oh damn it was like the extra chunky Ragu garden style spaghetti sauce.

Terrible.

" The answer "I have no #@%&* idea " is valid and acceptable for these purposes. If the thread sucks, it shall fade into planet oblivion.'

Easiest answer I've ever given, you nasty bastard.

Stop. Fugging. Nasty. Women.

Spend an extra $10 and get yourself a higher class crack ho.

I have heard a lot of nasty stories from my fraternity brothers in college but his easily blow any off em away.

Neither you or this NASTY chick has ever heard of toxic shock syndrome? Try WebMD.

She is my ex from about 6 years ago.

Ghost.......It sounds to Iowanian, given your history, and ability to attract the most stanky available, you could probably make alot of financial gain by going into the catfish and coon/coyote bait business.

Not only do I think Yung is correct, I'm guessing your unit will end up being a case study there someday.

Found in a different thread...seemed approiate.

http://www.lisawhiteman.com/pictures...eadmouse04.jpg

Dear Iowanian,

I've just noticed of-late that my voice has become higher, I've taken to the Oparah show, and that I've become plagued with unexplained and sudden fits of uncontrolled sobbing. This coincided with a ice-water bath that was prescribed as a part of my treatment for a nasty goin pull....suffered during a national mudwrestling/Twister championships.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Uncomfortable Rob

Dear Uncomfortable Rob,

You're middle aged now. Stop mud wrestling, or those gals are going to be the death of you, Blue.



duuuuust in the wiiiiiiiiind

Dear Iowanian:

Can anyone stop Rich Scanlon from carrying out his his plan of total world domination?

Dear Dr IOWAN:

Sometimes when I go to the public bathrooms, some men choose to go to the stalls to urinate, rather than go to the urinals, which are vacant. They even close and lock the doors. Why do they do this?

<i>I've just noticed of-late that my voice has become higher, I've taken to the Oparah show, and that I've become plagued with unexplained and sudden fits of uncontrolled sobbing. This coincided with a ice-water bath that was prescribed as a part of my treatment for a nasty goin pull</i>

I don't want to step on the doctors toes but my take is that the ice caused your balls to run so far up inside your body in search of warmth that they became ovaries. You are now a woman and just haven't realized it yet.

I hope this clears up your , um, confusion.

At least she wiped her ass...

Oh wait...dead mice? Maybe not :Lin:

Dear Iowanian,

My girl says that we can't fool around any more until I get less 'fraid of commitment' or something like that. What should I do?

Ghostof', I'm glad you're out there dude. You seem to be a magnet for, shall we say, less desirable women. That leaves the more desirable ones for the rest of us.

:toast: Here's to you for taking one for the rest of the team.

Titus, is there a reason why you would want to?

*colour me confused *

For some reason I don't know that he looks at it that way... :shake:

Iowanian....I'll take this one:

Dear Cochise,

Tell her you love her (you don't gotta mean it!) and that when she learns to bake good pie, you'll be willin' to get hitched. You'll be back in the saddle in no time.

HINT: Be sure to specify type of pie, and set a standard that is unachievable...just in case

Sincerely, Dr. Kotter

Well, just in case he turns into Darth Scanlon.

<i>Well, just in case he turns into Darth Scanlon.</i>

Hmm, I hadn't thought of that. I wonder if we could recruit K. Fox to play the Luke Skywalker role?

Its highly undoubtful. Have you seen this kid play in NFLE? The Only reason I can think of, that may keep Scanlon off of the field this year would be that the NFL would be forced to implement "the scanlon clause" on the Union Bargaining agreement, which would require the Chiefs to only put 9 defensive players on the field when Scanlon is in the game. It has been deemed unfair to the opposing RBs and QBs who have many performance clauses in their contract.

Allowing Scanlon to be an every down starter is like Tieing the opposing OC to the Scanlon-tree of Woah.

I hope he turns into the next Singleterry. If it happens, I'm likely getting a jersey, and changing my username to Dr Royowanian IV.

I have no effing Idear.

My best guess is that you do that because you're embarrassed that you're 25 and still let your trousers and underoos fall down around your ankles while you take a potty.

I'm glad you have the descency to shut the door though, the Hetero's like me would find it more than disconscerting.

If you thought your Company was downsizing, because there wasn't enough work for you....would you wait for that to happen prior to beginning the Job search? No responsible man would do that.

"committment" is just a womans way of saying she wants you to buy her something expensive. Explain to her, that trading something of value for her legs to be elevated would make her a prostitute, and you have too much respect for her, to allow that to happen on your watch.

In the mean time, get your resume' ready(a new bottle of the latest Sex-Panther), a haircut, some new shoes and start Interviewing new candidates ASAP.

A well diversified portfolio is just good business in a shaky market.

Iowanian, I know you are a busy man....I'll pitch in here too:

Dear Saul,

Men who engage in the sort of behavior you describe fall into one of two categories: horny and self-conscious. Horny men who've become excited have become masters at the "quickie" in the stall. Such men possess vivid imagination, an extensive pornography collection, and a quick wrist. Self conscious types are fearful they don't measure up to other men who have the confidence to use the urinals. Sometimes they will sneak into a urinal and feign that macho swagger....but only if there are "dividers" between the urinal that conceal his unit from meat-peaking eyes. Hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Dr. Kotter

Dear Iowanian,

I seem to be too abrupt when dealing with coworkers. Can you advise?

Iowanian,

Lately I've noticed donger and raiderhader getting rather intimate in their posts to each other. And just yesterday, raiderhader accidently sent me a PM obviously intended for donger. I won't repeat what was written, but it was rather detailed on what they planned to do to each other's bodies. As a community, how should we view these acts of affection between the two?

Thanks...

Dear Jenny,

Become an actuary where you don't need to deal with other people, a mortician where the "people" don't talk back, or a hooker where your "business" is usually done in a minute or two from guys too shy to get laid.

Sincerely,

Dr. Kotter

My advice is to hang a sign that says
"beatings will continue until moral improves"

Iowanian is not known for being delicate in very many phases of his life.
Dealing with coworkers is no exception. Try using more creative words when insunuating sarcastic insults so they have to think about it, and may not fully comprehend the intent of your message.

Bad advice. Maybe this is why you're not the answer man.

jenson,

What two posters chose to do in their own PMroom is their business. I think you should give a reply indicating you accidently recieved the Donga-Sutra and thought he should know.

Iowanian won't have much to say until his commute is interupted by a glittery parade, or one of them tries to backup their hard drive into my FTP. Then I'll be getting all "Michael and Samir with the copy machine in a field".

Actually....Its possible that Kotter is onto something. Maybe he should be a career counselor.

Being mean and nasty to coworkers and clients? There is a population out there that would pay a dominatrix good money to do just that.
Feel free to send the doc a head shot and photo spread with resume'.

Avoid this profession if you're deaf, or tawk wike ah haiw wip.

[whack!] Ng'ooooooooo, gnats a mbad ndog. [crack] nyou nlike n'dat....doong't nyou [whap] nats a mbad ndog

JennyGump's too nice a girl to get used by losers...

And just look what happened to the other Jenny Gump.