It was a joke; I love Jenny......

"Run, Jenny, Run!"

Dr. I:

The "Dog" has decided that upon approaching his 50th birthday next year, that he would make this year his "farewell salute" to his slow-pitch softball playing days. Faced with the dismal performance last year, (after a Barry Bond's-style comeback attempt) I decided to lose a number of pounds over the winter to get back to correct playing weight.

After succeeding in losing 50 lbs, I have now embarked on a thus far successful (3 games) and triumphant return to the diamond. The hitting stroke is back and my pitching stats are Cy Young-like.

My questions are:

1) Seeing as to how this is my final season and I don't want to disappoint my loyal fans, should I sign autographs before or after the game?

2) Is it considered "grand-standing" for me to take a slower than normal trot around the bases when I hit one out of the park, so that my adoring fans can properly salute my career accomplishments?

My many fans have been very loyal, and I would hate to disappoint them by depriving them of properly showing their respect to me and my humble service to slow-pitch softball. I am in a bit of a quandry because there is a fine line here between humility and show-boating....I do have a reputation to keep you know.

I await your response.....

mmad "Al Bundy" dog

Got any birds? That was simple :)

PhilFree:arrow:

Do you do contract work?

mmaddog
*******

Dear Iowanian,
I am graduating from college tomorrow with nothing to show for it but a degree in elementary education. I have no jobs lined up for the up-coming school year. It looks like I'll have to move back in with my parents for lack of money. The only thing in the world that will fill my heart with joy is to be able to go to Chiefs games next season. Alas, I have no job, no money, and no takers on my "deal of a lifetime" to accompany me to the games.
Should I take the job in western Kansas that will leave me miles away from my family and Arrowhead or should I hold out for the other three school districts that are closer to KC and my family but haven't gotten back to me, and probably won't until the last minute if at all?

Dr. I......

You're slipping.....am I going to have to reverse the charges on my credit card that your office managed to put on there?

mmaddog
*******

Thats crazy. Teaching jobs around here are usually abundant.

Hold out for the districts you wish to get into. Worse case scenario is, you Substitute in one of those (or all of those) districts next year; network, get your foot in the door...you'll get a job next year for sure.

Best case scenario, this summer or a last minute resignation by a teacher currently employed by the district....will open a spot for you before the year begins. Depending on the specific districts you are talking about, I'd be willing to bet you'd have a job before the year starts....2:1 odds you'll get something before the beginning of September.

Congrats on laying off the corn dogs this winter, slim.

I think if you sign autographs it should be after the game. Preparing for such a physically exerting activity like slow pitch softball, should consume your mental preparation pre-game. A man of your advanced youth should probably be stretching your hammies anyway.

At your age, people will just assume you're Fiddy if trotting slowly. If you're skipping and doing your Pearl thumb-gun Shooter McGavin after a Tater, you're grandstanding, and should probably expect to get Spiked the next time you're covering 3rd when I slide in for that stretched triple.

I've got 2 birds. You should keep any eye open for them the next time you cut me off in traffic.

You have to decide whats more important. I'd remind you that if you sign a contract for the year in Western KS, you're stuck in feedlotville for the duration, even if you get homesick.

Getting a job under your belt and some experience will surely make future job searches easier. If being closer to KC is important to you, I'd hold out, keep pumping out resume's and consider trying to get on somewhere in a district closeby as a fulltime Substitute if nothing else.
The School year is a ways off yet, and I don't think I'd personally be nervous until July.

You can always fall back on that whole Tubgirl website you've been so successful with in the past.

It IS the offseason, and pretty slow. In effort to keep me sharp for the arrival of training camp, and the trolls that will challenge for my throne....I challenge you to keep me sharp.

No silly assed questions that gochiefs could handle....Search your mind and if you can come up with something that will challenge the Iowanian's creativity....lay it down. If its worthy...I'll pound it.

How long does it take to get to Australia in a row-boat?

P.S. Will there be like, sharks or pirates and stuff?

Dinny

And one more thing, I don't think I'd have any problem with the pygmies, I'll probably blend right in.

Dinny

That KCChiefsman is really starting to irritate me. What should I do to him?

Unless you're an Eskimo Whale Spearer who took a really long turn, or a member of Honduras' Navy....Why the Fug would you be trying to take a Row boat to Australia?

Dr. Iowanian, My GF is out of town for the weekend and one of her best friends called up and asked me if I wanted to go with her out to dinner and to a bar afterward to see a band. I think she wants to jump my bones. What should I do?
BTW I'm easy and my GF says all men are sluts. Especially me. ROFL

I have 3 questions.
1. How much do you like your girlfiend?
2. Do you really think she's off getting banged like a screen door by some handsome Ethnic dude?
3.Will this chic tell?

You could always take the Clinton Amendment and let her give you a Monica. If you dig your broad...don't....If you think someone is 10" into her lower cavity right now....Time to try your filthy Porno Moves on her.



Speaking of...Do you Know how you KNOW that you're a famous, powerful man in the world?

When someone sucks your dick and it makes THEM famous.

I took an evening stroll and called to the Sky to help me search your Answer..you see, I'm half Indian Shaman.

if you want to make some extra money, there is this farm in washington......

Dr. Iowanian:

I have a couple of questions, so I will break them up to make sure I add to your already excessive consulting fees....

I was driving back from St. Louis today on I-70, stuck in a traffic jam because of the road work being done....while trying to enjoy my 3 MPH trek from the outskirts of STL to when the traffic jam finally broke in Wentzville, I came upon a rather obnoxious driver. Now, normally I would write this off to the driver being from St. Loser and just say "That figures" and drive on. But this culprit-idiot had license plates from Iowa.

First the culprit-idiot sped by me and several other cars using the shoulder as his passing lane....now normally I get pissed off enough with just seeing that, but the buttface slid right in front of me and then hit his brakes!!! Being the understanding type of person I am, I decided to use all my fingers when waving at him the first time, trying to show him a little of the Mizzou hospitality and cutting him a little slack. But once wasn't enough for the corn-fed goofball....next he proceeds to try and slide over to the next lane left, but after realizing that it wasn't going any faster he makes a sharp cut back into my lane and hits his brakes again.....this time I decided that I would show him his intelligent quotient by utilizing only one finger in waving at him. Next, in one of the more brilliant traffic movements that I have witnessed in my long life, he swerved back out to his "shoulder lane" and proceeded to rear-end an automobile that was broken down at the side of the road. Now, after ensuring all of his passengers were fine, I rolled my window down to exlpain to him that he was lucky no one was hurt He, in turn, returned the favor by giving me the 'you're number one" salute back.

So here's the question....knowing that you are all things Iowa, and can spot a pretender in a heartbeat, I wanted to see if this guy was a "true" Iowanian.....here's what i can tell you about him:

1) He was driving a Ford Taurus that had a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on the back...

2) There was also a sticker that read "Wander Indiana" (isn't that also on the Indiana license platers)

3) He got out of the car wearing a pair of pants that should only be worn on a secluded golf course....

Now, from what I have given you, is this gentleman truly from your home state?

mmaddog
*******

Now, my second, and more intriguing question....

Last week, on another one of my many business jaunts here in the Midwest, I was staying at an unnamed, but well-known national Hotel chain. When I checked in, I noticed that they were having a convention that seemed to be attracting a great deal of attention. After checking into my room I decided to wander down to the Mini-Convention Center to see what the attraction was.

To my grand surprise the convention was the Midwest Amateur Adult Movie convention!!! Imagine my surprise when I got to the end of the Hall and noticed that most of the outifts that the "ahem, Ladies" were wearing were great attire for the motel room, but not necessarily the convention floor. When I reached the end of the corridor, I was met by a couple of tree trunks with legs and his fellow Sasquatch and advised that unless I had a pass that I would not be able to even mingle at the entrance to the convention room. Seeing that they both could have used my body in a javelin toss event, i decided that I would retreat and watch the crowd coming and going from the safety of my room. (Did I mention that my room overlooked the parking area where I could get a good look at all those who were coming and going?)

Now, for my question....

Seeing how I prescribe to the "Al Bundy theory" that if something this good happens in your life, disaster is sure to follow should you expect to enjoy the simple pleasure, was I smart in retreating to my room to view from a safe vantage point, or should I have risked life and limb to find my way in, just on the small chance that some future porn star would find me irresistable?

mmaddog
*******

mmdog,

I don't know what to tell you about your first question. Its quite possible it was some offbreed Ioweegian instead of a purebread Iowanian. I spent my evening at a county fair demolition derby, and I'll be the first to admit if I occasionally wondered if I had accidently stumbled into an Arkansas Family reunion. I'd have considered it a contribution to society had you run the jerkoff into a grader ditch. I assume that in your situation, I'd have at least "mutherfuggered" the clown, as I cut off his route on the shoulder. You were within your right to have stabbed him through the earhole with a tire iron as he passed. I'm guessing someone loaned their car to Slayer again.



As to your second dilema...the obvious answer to gain access, would have been for you to have to drop your trousers, wedge your tighty whities up into a he-thong and strutted into Fat-over 40-please-bang-my-wife-ville.

The real issue is, why you haven't posted the name of the convention and city, so that other posters could search via google to locate the obvious flood of new "documentaries" of the convention.

I have a large pile of boring work that needs to be avoided, and a brain in need of creative stimulation.

challenge me fools........make them worthy of the bandwidth.

Dear Dr. Iowanian --
In my experience, women should not be allowed to drive any vehicle larger than a Honda Civic. I'm tired of going 50 mph in the left lane behind some soccer mom who can't get her Expedition to the speed limit ... and waiting for some dance recital mom to figure out how to park her Suburban without having to pull forward two inches, then back a foot, forward three inces, back 2 centimeters, etc.

Does that make me a sexist?

MM
~~:hmmm:

My pecker has been sore lately. Do I have a sports hernia?

Of course not Mark, If you were actually sexist, you would have suggested the broads should be in the kitchen, making thier man a pie, instead of being so generous as to allow a Honda Civic.

They should consider you a true champion for thier cause given this statement, and the fact that you watched "beaches" on purpose.

Its highly doubtful, its far more likely it is from the unlubricated reacharound you pats fans have been getting from the Sports media the past 5 years. Unless Madden is eating some fried chicken sunday, Its probable that you'll have a blister worn on your Pickle helmet.

Come on. You know you just have to cut back on the soap in the shower.

WTF?

Dear Doctorwanian:

What should the Chiefs do with Priest?

SNR

That is a difficult question at this particular time. I see posturing by the organization and the player. A wise person would suggest waiting the 30+ days to let Priest have the evaluations, and if the doctors allow it, and he is willing to do it, bring him back for 1 more year with the understanding that he would be in more of a Marshall Faulk-3rd down-Goal line Specialist role with the team, where he would retire in the most cap-assisting way possible, allowing him to keep enough of the signing bonus to thank him for his time.

If He or his doctors determine he can no longer play, I'd ask for half of the signing bonus back for the contract he never began, and thank him kindly for his services.

Dear DR IOWANAINW (spider spelling)

Does Free Will exist?

It ain't the same. We put that tss in there. It's different.

Why is Kendrell Bell such a fat-ass loser?

Will he ever make a play or bring anything positive to this organization?

Can we hunt him down and force him to get on a treadmill?

since you used the spiduhr spelling, I'll give the answer I'd give that turd.

"haha....Honest mistake little buddy, but I think you meant "GOOD WILL", and that store is on 2nd Ave and has all the vintage 1991 sleeveless teeshirts you can buy for a quarter"

Dr.Iowanian I have the flu. What is the best thing to do?

drink some OJ, rub one out and go to bed.

Dear Iowanian,

I've been through drama queen rehab, but I've been fighting major temptations of late. They are becoming increasingly difficult to suppress. Any advice?

Sincerely, SDChiefsfan

Don't.

Or do....but wait for a day when the Sharks are board.

Dr. Iowanian:

Recently my friends have told me that they have noticed a distinct change in my personality, like I have become a bit more docile...more tame than I used to be. Some have even threatened to repossess my nickname and give it to someone "more deserving"....

What can I do to show them I am still the same overtly aggressive obnoxious Chief's fan that i have always been?

mmaddog?
*******

Kick them in the baows for no reason at all, just because the room gets quiet.

Search your souls for a question, worthy of the keyboard of doooooooooooooom.

What measures do you predict Carl/Lamar will take to get the friggin rolling roof in KC?

Carl will implement A simple 5 year plan to the superbowl, paid for with the extra revenue brought in from the new roof, which allows Lamar the Cash to finally compete in the FA market. Duh.

Will the Royals ever have a winning record???

Not in your lifetime.

Maybe. But they'll have a new first name.

Is "WTF" a worthy question?

iS IT ACCEPTABLE TO CONTINUE WRITING IN ALL CAPS IF YOU NOTICE IT HALF WAY THROUGH YOUR POST? oR SHOULD YOU GO BACK AND FIX IT?

That looks damned good, Delt.

IF YOU WANT ME TO READ YOUR POSTS IN "GILBERT GODFRIED" YOU SHOULD ACTUALLY CONSIDAAA POSTING IN ALL CAPITAAAL LETTAAHS.

Dear Pharmacist Ed:

I got a new job, and there really isn't a whole lot to do. I've been told it's "slow", and they are giving me time to get my feet wet, but all i've been doing lately is surfing.

However, I notice that everyone else is pretty much..doing the same thing all day. Should I push the issue to get more stuff to do, or "go with the flow"?

['Dice' Gilbert]What are you a HO-MOEEE - DAAOOOOOOO!!!!!
Mary Mary . . . sucked my Schgweegggieee-gigggy GOOOOOO!!!![/'D' G]

You have to ASK this question??? :spock:

Congratulations on the new found employment. I know that when I'm board at work, the days go slow and one can only do so much surfing without becoming board.

A time when there isn't much to do, is the best time to sniff out potential problems in your future tasks and research or work on better ways to do the tasks assigned to you, or develop something to help the organization.

Spend this time working on something to improve your work situation, a task or put together something that will if nothing else, make you look good to your boss. I'd recommend something as simple as adding pretty "forms" and reports to existing DBs. Its also a good time to look into user groups, conferences, seminars, classes in person or online, that will assist in your abilities, skills and professional development.

This may help you do your job more efficiently, impress your employer and give you a boost towards more financial reward and professional advancement. You've got a large cranium, there is room for more knowledge if you drain off some of the water.

Thats how I roll.

that, or just post alot on Chiefsplanet.




This thread is yet another example of how Iowanian ruined Chiefsplanet.

Cool thread, i dont remember seeing it. I was unaware of the life counselor in our midst......


My question is twofold...

1) My daughter is 16 & now at the dating age...HELP ME!!!

2) My son is 15 and wants to start a band...any helpful hints???

I feel for your situation Scott, I really do. As a father of a daughter, I've already accepted the fact that I'm prepared to go to prison if need be when she turns 15.

My plan, is to purchase a blank tombstone and have it engraved "your name here" and an epitaph that reads like "here lies the stinking bones of the first boy to show my daughter his unit".

I think when meeting any young man in pursuit you just have to softly say "if she ever sees your pickle, I'll cut it off".

The trick is making them believe it.

As for your son's band.....send him to band camp. I've got no other advice than to remind him that those panty throwers are someone's daughter.

Simple solution:

Talk your daughter into liking rock stars by using reverse psychology,"Honey, I really hate musicians" then when she takes the bait, let your son start a band, move to Arkasas, Mississippi, or imbreeding state of your choice.

Just think, when she spends over night at his house, at least you'll know where she is! ROFL

Thanx Iowanian, i will make arrangements for that tombstone tomorrow and his pickle will be fed to a dog.

Tell ya what fucker, i would advise you to leave my family out of your jokes.

Go fuck your mother

Well, here goes...i just wanted to take a moment to "thank" those who repped this twunt for taking a swipe at my kids, i can handle any kind of insult thrown my way...but i expect the dirty jokes involving anyones kids to stay locked away.

I would never take sick shots at ANYONES kids here, no matter how much i cant stand them. If i get gang tackled for posting this then so be it......but i'm not going to sit & say nothing when i find out that some here thought it was funny.

So those that found it funny just put me on iggy & i'll do the same. There is no place IMO for shots like this even on a wild board like the Planet. Maybe i hold myself to a different standard, i dont know.

Bottom line is that the "joke" was pathetic, whether it happens online or in real life, i take insults to my children very seriously.

Its especially weird in light of the fact that i have given this dickhead NO reason to blindside my family like that, was hardly aware of his existence.

If you must, make fun of me not my kids......and speaking of "imbreeding" & "Arkasas", what school did you attend fuckface???

While I don't think his joke is funny, I also don't believe there was any hostility toward you intended.

Your overreaction will likely spark a lot of contentious posts toward you.

Well the joke included my daughter & son being "together", i dont see how i could have taken it any other way. Iowanian didnt try to turn it into something gross.

As for nastygrams from people, i am prepared for that, if i cant take some shit for defending my kids honor then i dont deserve them.

I guess the moral of this story is do not mention ones kids on a message board, it will only invite people to take unnecessary shots.

Dear Iowanian: The more I see of Al Davis, the more I am convinced he has been dead for well over two years. I have a theory that after his death, they had him stuffed like a fine elk mount and or a Christmas goose. When they show various angles of Davis in any given sky box there isn't much movement. No more movement than can be explained by a few simple strings. :hmmm:

Please view a recent snap shot of Davis and let me know what you think!

Here you go bud.. ;)
http://espndeportes-att.espn.go.com/...a_davis_vt.jpg

As I suspected, he's dead!!

Dear Iowanian:

I have a female fitness trainer (our company has only female trainers) who is so hot the mere sight of her makes me sport more wood than the Redwood Forest. Thus far she hasn't noticed this at an awkward time but this could eventualy become a problem if I try to bench with a flagpole poking up the front of my shorts like Ringling Bros Big Top. She is a great fitness trainer an I don't want to offend her. Advice?

c4E.....

You've got a common problem. Its got an easy sollution too. As part of your "pre workout stretches"...rub the butter out of the breadstick.

you'll be relaxed for your workout, and the problem won't be visible.

Doing this particular stretch in the locker room or in the gym might have negative consequences though.

Anyone want to pull this rope and see if there is still any gas in it?

I hear there's a problem with uranus....

Dear ''Keyboard of doom'',

What can be done to speed up this off-season?

I thought I was supposed to pull your finger?

Keyboard of Doom..... can you reverse the 6 more weeks of winter I'm tired of it.

Physicians I have surveyed have assured me that the uncomfortable pressure feeling will subside from uranus once your head is sufficiently removed from within its vast cavity.

There are many suitable suggestions. Some may recommend purchasing a box of tampons or a tube of valtrex, as allegedly having gential herpes and menstrual cramps lead to high diving, horse riding, mountain biking and any assortment of enjoyable activities that these products, which apparently also make you beautiful can provide.

I'll offer a torrid affair with a freaky deee-vorse-ay, ski trip to colorado or long weekend in a warmer climate to assist in alleviating your problem.

I too suffer from this ailment, and at the *suggestion* of brideowanian am choosing to work extra unbillable hours, and remodeling a bathroom and tiling an entry way in my home

The appendix you find protruding from the bottom of the box of popcorn with the planeteer of the week, is very likely not a philange.

As it turns out, being the owner/operator of the keyboard of doom, does not come with a key to Mother nature's workshop, even if I may have have been forced to copulate her and pee in my mouth at some point to attain my current status.


Find something in your local community which requires volunteers. Its time now to plan the projects they'll be working on in the spring.

Dear Abby wannabe

Sure thing, Puffy.

That was kind of inappropriate.