Dear ''Keyboard of doom'',

I have a bad habit of eating raisin bran crunch for breakfast before I fly. unfortunately the raisins give me gawd awful foul gas. that, along with the combination of my intestines being squeezed from the cabin pressurization causes a lethal combination for my fellow passengers. I have a flight scheduled for next month, what am I to do?

Not sure what The Keyboard of Doom thinks, but you could try just leaving your butt plug in.

NTTAWWT

Well what in the hell did you expect?

My 8 year anniversary is next Tuesday......anything special I should do?

Hello,
My name is Iowanian. Have we met? Sometimes, the keyboard has a mind of its own, takes over the words displayed on the bb. Its like I don't even have any control over what I'm mooing.


Some assembly is required for this product, however on a thread in which the first handful of questions are "Does your wife snort during sex" should give you a clue that this isn't a Lane Giant "free pedicure for plus sized models" day.

Assuming its not a flight I'm using, I hope its Southwest, Eat 2 bowls and when you have your opportunity to use the new seat selection method, sit down next to the fat guy who already smells like Sour Milk or the cab-driver-American and let er rip.

After all, the preflight speech is very clear that should cabin pressure become an issue, oxygen masks with descend from the ceiling for each passenger to place over their face. Although the bag may not appear to inflate, oxygen is getting to you.

Better yet, eat some craisins on the in flight snack.....and walk up and fart by first class. It's the "abercrombie in the sky" and we all know how much dr i owa nian enjoys flatulating by Abercrombie folks.

Have you given her the gift of a vasectomy yet?

I believe that would be a gift for the gene pool as well.

Donkey punch.

Something you both can enjoy.

Nice. I try to take care of my workers because only one of them makes anything at all. I do what I can even though it's usually not very much.

,,

That's great. Take your picture back and get him a coat.

Outstanding. I'd give you some meaningless rep but I'll just shake your hand next time you're in town. You're good people.

I looked at the traditional wedding gift chart for year 8 and its recommended "poetry".

http://www.poetrygift.com/traditional.html


I'm going to recommend that if you choose that route, you allow fax or myself to compose it, with the stipulation that it include the prase "Anniversary Hole"......and you post her reaction for the Review of Chiefsplanet.

Thats great, but you took a left the turn before the "do the right thing" thread.

This is the thread in which I make improper suggestions to people to be an asshole.


The coat is a great touch.....and appropriate.

Luv,

read through the entire thread, and count on your hand the responses that aren't taking a poke at someone. An ice dounut might help with that butthurt. Please apply pressure until the itching subsides.

Eh, maybe Im just pms'ing or something. People find creative ways to say the same thing that always gets said. Point is, they're still saying the same thing. Maybe it's time that I do something else stupid, just to catch some different flack. :)

well then, how do I pull my head out of my arse....

CC,

Its been indicated by your refering physician that yours is indeed a difficult case, as the shoulders have begun to sink.

I'm going to recommend 3-4 Tylenol prior to arrival, and find a couple of your Agrarian-American friends who can operate the following device. If they continue with steady pressure and don't stop, your won't become hiplocked and run out of air.

http://www.gilgray.com.au/vink/images/jack.jpg

that did it!

Congratulations. Now zip on up here and help me go outside and dig out these effing snowdrifts.

I'd love too, but -um, my back hurts, it was all bent out of shape up till a few seconds ago.....

That's one of the funniest deleted posts I've ever seen, but on to my question...

Dear Dr. Doom,

I’ll be traveling to Detroit soon for business. Having watched Kentucky Fried Movie a few times, I know it's similar to the 7th layer of hell, minus central heating. What are some tips -- or some do’s and don’ts -- that I should either use to prepare or follow while I’m there, in order to come home without any souvenir gunshot wounds?

Sincerely,

Potential Homicide Case #9249671

Dear Dr. Iowanian,

The locals here at the Lake Of The Ozarks really hate the tourists. They wonder why if it is tourist season, we can't shoot 'em?

The locals also say that the tourists from Iowa are the worst of the lot, and believe that IOWA is an acronym for Idiots Out Wondering Around.

I don't really know why, and am hoping you could enlighten me.

I'll hang up now and listen off the air, thanx in advance.

Dinny

he said "tourists"
as if it's Melbourne or something.

By "Locals" are you refering to the yokels, or the financially secure arseholes who migrated their with their penile-compensating boats to live on the lake?

Dislike for Iowans likely stems from our high literacy rates and full sets of teeth. I doubt many of them would like the income at local businesses, demand for services and goods, realestate prices, tax rates and lack of infrastructure being paid for by fuel, hotel, sales, Local Option sales taxes, as well as financial contribution to the communities during our visits.

Next time this topic arises, tell them that this Iowanian considers the Ozarks a flyover territory on the way to a real lake, that resides on the Arkansas-Mo boarder. Invite them to fornicate their relative of choice in the location that makes their orthadontist cringe.

Detroit could indeed be the Taint of the United States.

According to recent movies, should you be approached by an unsavory group, they're only there to challenge you to a dance fight, or maybe a rap battle.

Should this situation arise, be sure to include any number of previously posted iowani-lines to dis' dem propa.

Dear Dr Doom,

Next month I will once again be traveling to Las Vegas and need your help.You see each time I go I cannot help but be drawn to the sportsbook to bet on the KC Chiefs.Be it a game in season or a futures bet to win it all I can't seem to just say no and am drawn like a moth to light that this will be the one,my ticket that will finally hit.Alas,it never works out and I am left with nothing but the dreams of what good my money could have done elsewhere.

Please help me as I need to overcome this battle and turn and walk away.

Iowa? We call that Ohio around here.

Nzoner.....

When I am rolling the bones, on a come out point, I play a nickle world, betting the horn and 7 to cover myself should boxcards pop up.

This is my advice to you. Should you feel the need to bet on the Chiefs during your trip, bet the "Under" on season total wins, unless its 5 or less. The Nickle world bet for you in this situation is....should the Chiefs have a good season, you'll be happy and not give as thought to your lost money.

Spot on. I think they're aware of the economic impact, but I also think their parents are very close.

Now I need to know why I think it's so funny when Bob Dole calls somebody a dipshit or Donger interviews somebody.

It would be even funnier if there was a way to determine who had been called a dipshit the most number of times and have the winner interviewed by Donger.

Dinny

Dear ''Keyboard of doom'',

What is your opinion of Buckinkaeding ''the poster''

Dear Keyboard of Doom-

Just suspended the ex's phone line and went down to a smaller plan on my cell phone. Took less than an hour for at&t to call to let me know that he had tried to access my account. He's called me several times from another phone, but I'm at work. I will not answer and get into it with him here. He left a voicemail, so I'll listen to that after work. Any good tidbits on what I should say when he calls tonight?

I hate people and I am not sure what to do about it. I really would rather not go to jail. Thanks.

Dear Dr. Doom:

Serious question here.

We have a neighbor across the street who has recently acquired a small dog who is, apparently, kept out-of-doors and yaps continually, incessantly, relentlessly and without let up both day and night. Did I mention it never stops? I'm certain that someone has already contacted the home owners' association, but the asshole dog continues to bark in its high-pitched, shrill, and extremely aggrevating manner so it's safe to assume that the association is doing nothing about it.

To make matters worse, the dog is in their back yard which is enclosed by a very high, wooden fence that would be difficult, if not impossible, to breach without a ladder. Also, the fence prevents me from getting a good shot at the little bastard. What should I do?

FAX

why are you paying for his phone?

tell him he's a big boy and can open a new account and pay for it himself.

Looong story, but I'm just fed up with being nice. He may be 34, but he acts the same age as his girlfriend, which is 17.

what does he do? he is 34 and can't pay a phone bill?

Right now, he's collecting unemployment. He might have an IT job at a hospital in Osage Beach. Yeah. I'll believe it when I see it.

I have a question for you, Mr. Dr. Doom. Why aren't you answering these questions?

FAX

The fence impedes your ability to shoot, but not to lob. Try lobbing.

I like lobbing. Lobbing's good. What am I lobbing, though, Mr. Bootlegged?

I suppose I could lob a poisoned bone or something in there. But, to be honest, I'm not inclined to do that. Murdering dogs is sort of against what remains of my moral code. Unless it's some kind of rabid, deadly, attack dog that's trying to kill me or somebody else I like. Or one of those devil dogs like in The Omen. I'd probably be okay with murdering one of those. This, however, appears to be some kind of little dog - just a loud, shrill, obnoxious one with tons of stamina.

FAX

The Something About Mary technique has been proven effective in these situations.

Ah! The "Something About Mary" technique! Why didn't I think of that? Of course! The "Something About Mary" technique is bound to work!!

.... uh ... if you don't mind, Mr. Bootlegged ... what exactly is The "Something About Mary" technique?

FAX

I've been doing man-stuff. I am now parenting. Your concerns will be adressed with effort after food, bath and books, one of which may include "9 little monkeys" and the 34,000th reading this year of "night before Christmas".

Loading tranquilizers into dog treats and lobbing them in the direction of the K9.

9 Little Monkeys? Please, Mr. Iowanian. Have pity on the children.

FAX

would that lake be table rock?

LOOROOL

Not bad. Might work. I have some 350 mg Soma and some lortabs. Those would make one hell of a doggie cocktail.

FAX

well... good luck

Lets roll
 

This dude is an EX. You have no reason to support him either financially or emotionally. Its time to be a cold hearted bitch.

If you talk to him, tell him to pound his pickle with a rubber mallet until its hidden in his pelvis, invite him to perform a marrital act with his mother and tell him to never call you again. Don't take ANY further crap from this shitbrick.

If this doesn't work, invite him to join the planet, find this thread and discuss this with me further.

If you're not willing to engage in the longest term solution, I have a suggestion.

Purchase 2 whistles....1 referee whistle, one Dog whistle. You can also purchase a high frequency device that annoys the hell out of animals.

Option 1. The dog barks....you blow the dog whistle in the back yard like its your job...the dog will whine, moan and stfu.

if that doesn't work....

When the dog barks, go in the back yard and blow your whistle until the neighbors come outside and keep blowing like you're in the desert, its' full of water and your wedding tackle is on fire. When the neighbor comes outside, say something like "kind of like having a dog bark"

If that doesn't work.....spray the dog with a hose over the fence.....or engage the "meatball surprise".

There are people on this earth that make it difficult for me to not be in jail.

If you're a full time, cranky bastard, may I suggest a career move to a remote location, like the oil fields on the north slope, or as a researcher on the South Pole. You'll either learn to get along, or you'll be remote enough that you'll be fed to bears by the others, or you can make Eskimo Jerky.

Good guess, but I'm partial to the other lake in that vicinity, which I will not say by name as to reveal it to the masses of assholes I'm fortunate enough to have believe the Ozarks is the lake of utopia.

Table Rock Lake kicks ass. I'm going to guess that the man is a fan of Lake Taneycomo. Which got me in a lot of ****ing trouble shooting bottle rockets into the lake at 2am 1 night. Tim was not a happy copper.

Plus I think Iowanian is a fan of "The Jolly".

I have a pair of authentic mukluks that have never been worn. I'll sell them for only $5000.00 in cold, hard casino cash.

FAX

Sold!!!!! I'll PM my shipping address.

Oh, do you take CPPal?

I do, indeed. I also accept MasterMukluk.

FAX

Priceless. Can you ship those via dog sled?

I would, except that the dogs chew the heck out of them. Perhaps UPS would be better. Although it does happen, it's rare that a UPS delivery man bites into another man's mukluk.

FAX

Let me get this straight. He's 34, you are no longer in a relationship with him, and you are still paying for his cell phone??? It's time to be done. Now of course, that means he'll characterize you as a bitch. Rest assured, you're not. You are taking care of yourself and protecting yourself financially, which is way more important than whether he can make calls away from his house.

He has another gf ans you're still paying his phone bill ???
ROFL

I'll let you in on one of his conversations with his buddies " And the dumb bitch is still paying for my cell phone........"

low self esteem

Procrastinator.

Can we still ask questions of THE KEYBOARD OF DOOM, or has this been hijacked beyond repair?