In other words: Being a man is a thankless job. The better you are at it, the more people simply expect it, because that's what kind of person you are. You become the hero, or you're expected to be.

And that can often make you feel like you aren't living up to increasing demands.

Sadly no statue for the real boxer Joe Frazier.

Your family must have really disliked your new haircut.

Have you seen any of the shorts about when a man says "I'm fine"?


I recently had a milestone birthday and have done a lot of self-reflection on these items, and I've come up with a few things that I'm changing and a few things I'm not happy with even though I have a ton of reasons to feel good about where I am now vs where I started.

Part of being an achiever with goals is to be self-critical. The same things that make you successful are also going to chew on you at night. No one will ever be harder on me, than I am. I'll never not question myself in some ways for my career and if I should make a change for my personal happiness, or if I'm the best husband I can be, or if I'm doing enough for my kids.

What I did decide during this past birthday is that my years are growing shorter to do something, and I'm going to put more focus on people and things that are important to me and spend a lot less on things that just cause me grief.

My dreams tell me a lot about how things are going. This week I'm dreaming I'm in a dark, damp basement, down in a cistern made of stones. I'm digging hand holes to climb out, and there is little crab-monster thing the size of a ping pong ball trying to jump on me. Every time I smash it, it cracks open the shell and grows larger. I have no idea what this is telling me about what's going on, but at least I'm not wading through the large fountain pool of dark water full of crocodiles, using a broken broom handle to fight my way to get to this little kid they're trying to eat.

I think you need to eat the crab.
And that's not me being funny.

I came here for the "I'm never down on myself, because your mom goes down on me daily" reply, and was disappointed.

Not really, no.

There are tons of ways my life could be better, but I don't think I, or my life/accomplishments in general, are a disappointment to those around me.

I am in no way qualified to even make this post, but I feel like you're dealing with some budding mental illness here. Or at least a mindset is creeping in that could lead to struggling with mental illness like depression.

In any case, you should work it out. Based on the information you've posted, you have no reason to feel like a disappointment to anyone.

All the time.

It's hard not to occasionally be disappointed in yourself if you maintain any sort of standards/ambition.

Because there just aren't many of us who are so damn good at life that we never come up short of our goals/expectations.

Now when feeling disappointing becomes chronic it'll turn into imposter's syndrome on you and that's some fairly nasty shit to deal with. That'll become self-fulfilling and put you into a bit of a death spiral in a hurry.

Accept it when you fail and just remind yourself that you deserved it when you succeeded. It's a needle you gotta work to thread but it's really the only path worth walking, IMO.

I failed my parents in their mind long ago, and that made them fail me, when I didn't stay close, got successful, and created my own life like I'm supposed to. I call and visit sometimes, tell them great things and they are just so ho hum about it then can't wait to tell me how my brother got promoted to hy-vee deli assistant manager. If wanna be happy for longer periods of time, stop worrying about what others think. Worry about what you think. And be careful with that last part.

If that's what you're looking for, let me help.


Your mom is always down. DTF.

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There's always times in your life where you knew you should've, or could've done better. Disappointment breeds improvement, reinforces guilt and allows us to learn and become better, there's nothing wrong with it and it's an important life lesson that will make us better.

If you care about the viewpoints of those who you think you are a disappointment to, then you should talk to them to tell them how you feel and gauge their feedback. If someone is constantly disappointed in you, and you know that you're a good person, then the issue may very well be their standards and what they expect out of you. You don't have to please everyone all the time, just the moments that matter the most when they happen. If you mess up, apologize, and move on. Constantly worrying about what other people think of you is no way to live life. Meet people halfway, and expect them to do the same.

There's a lot of good advice in here. Thank you.

Yes. A lot. But it drives my performance. I am scared of failure, most notably financial failure. It's why I grind.

Many moon ago I spent some serious mental capital reflecting on my own (un)happiness. I determined that I have to give everything my best shot, and **** everything else. I objectively looked at my emotional state and what I wanted and what made me happy. That stuff has changed over the years, but IMO it was good for me. Rather than floating through life, just doing whatever, I was able to (albeit hamfistedly) work towards what I wanted instead of just whatever happened.

But that's me. And at the time I did that, I was really unhappy. I'm much happier now, but there is always some level of perpetual dissatisfaction. Maybe I'm ****ed up. You probably have to be to work as much as I do. But if I'm giving everything (work, family, finance, whatever) my best shot, that's where I achieve happiness. Probably not satisfaction, but happiness.

To answer your questions more specifically, here goes

Family Depends on the level. I don't think my wife and kids are ever disappointed in me. Many many times I'm disappointed in the manner that I behave or the effort I put into the relationship. But again, they get my best shot. So I can live with it.

My parents/siblings - couldn't give less of a ****. I quit caring what my sister thought forever ago. She doesn't shy away from telling me every way that she feels she's been slighted, and I just can't muster a single ****. Nope. Not happening. My brother is a much more reasonable human, but we're so far apart in the way we live our lives that there really isn't any way to compare, but if we did, I probably wouldn't care what he thought of me.

As far as my parents go, it would suck at some level if they were disappointed in me, since I work pretty closely with them. But over the aggregate, I probably wouldn't care, because I'm giving really all there is to give. And if they don't like it, tough shit.

Anybody further out than that, whatever.

Friends If you're giving good faith effort, and your friends are disappointed, you need new friends.

SO There is no way to be that close to someone and not disappoint them on some level sometimes. Many times it is improper expectations, sometimes it is structural, but the best part of a healthy relationship is working through it. And after awhile, as long as nobody is being a ****head, everybody is happy.

Others The only time I've ever felt like a disappointment in the eyes of others I care about is when I said I'd do something and didn't do it. I've since cut that shit out. I have a pretty good handle on what I'm good for and what is likely to fall through the cracks.

All along I've said I've been giving everything my best shot, and I do almost exclusively. However, if I don't - if I cut a corner or half ass something and it goes to shit, I feel like ****ing hell and that further motivates me to get shit right.

If that's applicable to you - if you're half assing shit or letting shit slide for the sake of being lazy - quit that shit. The feeling you get is your mind telling you to **** off with that noise. Internalize it and drive that behavior from your life. The big thing IMO is be honest with yourself. That's critical to taking an objective look at your life.

On a bit of a tangent, finding inner peace or happiness or whatever you want to call it can be difficult, especially if shit outside your control is ****ing up your life. 2022 was 20% drier than the driest year ever here. And this year is shaping up to be worse. Needless to say, my best laid plans are good and rightly ****ed. Plus I'm on the coop board which is losing money because nobody can grow anything, and I've taken on a fairly sizable expansion that includes a bunch of overhead expense I can't defray with MPCI. That's a long winded way to say everything I see every day is ****ing terrible.

It ****s with the mind a bit. My attitude has been shit, and I've had to reign it in around other people (employees, family, stakeholders - pretty much everybody I see), and I see other people's attitudes go to shit too. And the thing is, my situation isn't really that bad. It sucks given the potential I've lined up, but it isn't the end of the ****ing world. It's something I'm struggling with.

Perhaps more scary though, is my wife and kids went to Easter with the in-laws and I stayed back and did some herbicide application. I was straight ****ing miserable. Like super down, worried about depression kind of miserable. I was getting nothing but bad news from the farm and apparently my wife and kids are a sizable support structure for me. Then they came back Monday and everything was fine. But it was pretty scary.

Understanding your mental position is a big job and it's ever changing. But it's important work. Things can get away from you pretty quickly (I think - I've always been able to maintain control of my mental health).