ChiefsPlanet - Life The Hard Way

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The Hard Way (https://chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=199671)

If you're going fishing and crossing an electric fence it is a good idea to check to see if the wire is hot before grabbing. I did that.

It is NOT however a good idea to touch said wire with a graphite fishing rod, as it does NOT tingle in your finger like a blade of grass does. BLAMO!

Never use a passenger mirror of a mini-van as a power source while on a bicycle.

Don't cut towards yourself with a pocket knife...especially a dull one.

Nikki's dad is a light sleeper, you can see his bedroom door from the sofa. Remember that if he opens the door, and you're doing what you're doing, its not going to end well.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Iowanian (Post 5365495)

Nikki's dad is a light sleeper, you can see his bedroom door from the sofa. Remember that if he opens the door, and you're doing what you're doing, its not going to end well.

Been here, except we were in the pool room, I guess "dad" pick up on the fact that pool "noises" had ceased and opened the door. (While we were not doing "it" It didn’t look good that she had her legs wrapped around me and I had my hands up her shirt.) To give him credit though all he did was yell "god damit" and quickly close the door. After standing there stunned trying to grasp how big of a dumbass I had just been I quickly realized I had another problem on my hands. My only exit out of the house forced me to walk right by him on his lazyboy. And to exacerbate matters when I first came over to the hose he was watching his Angles play the Indians as I walked by I saw bases loaded with Albert Belle up and I said there goes a granny, sure enough walk off GS so the dudes already pissed at me. Needless to say that was the end of my relationship with his daughter.

I've had a vision......a vision I shared with my brothers and other bad influences in my life, as a going-away send-off this week. The problem is, the idea took.

I hope Darwin is on vacation tomorrow evening.

....and yes, this past weekend, the Eggsident story came up in front of people...as did the popcornapalooza, and then the story of the pamper-chef "unmeltable spoon-Mushroom cooking fiasco".

Remember this story? Proceed to bottom of quote.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iowanian (Post 5359724)

Apparently, my microwave IQ is below 75.

So....given the recent disaster with the dumpty family in mind.....

I've been out to meetings, no lunch yada yada yada....zip in the house, fling a bag of orville Redenbacher in the M-wave and hit 3 minutes...go check email.

Somethign isn't right when I get back down.....

I'd thrown the bag on top of that plastic bowl thingamajig that goes over plates to keep it from splattering.

The entire center of that is melted and gone....stuck to the bag.

Lesson.
Don't put a bag of popcorn on top of the plastic dish.

I must have my head seriously in my ass this week....

So, the other night, I'm on the way to pick up some items for packages and get a call from brideowanian. She gives me a short quick list to pick up and something clicks...she slipped in "microwave plate cover"....wait....I just got a new one of those after the popcorn incident along with the lesson in proper use of the microwave.

Guess who forgot to take it out and threw a bag of popcorn in without taking out that dish cover and melted it...JUST LIKE I DID?

This is sooooo easy.

Dad always told me to never cosign for anything for anyone. It has been/is a very expensive lesson.

People really say "Supper" out there? Do you ring the "Supper Bell" when its ready? Ha Ha...only playing....

As far as a diet, I have a great idea. Eat whatever you want, as fast as you want. Immediately run into the bathroom, put two fingers down your throat and throw it all right back up. You accomplish two things:
1. You enjoyed whatever you wanted to taste, and immediately "fprced" it back out of your system, you wont have to burn any calories, fat, excess proteins, etc.
2. You get a killer AB work out from all of the force of the vomit coming right back up, violently.
Sure their might be some long term health concerns from using this process, however, its way better than running and doing 1000 sit ups.....
do it for two straight weeks, stop for 2 weeks, repeat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iowanian (Post 5352922)

For example.

5 minutes from now, Brideowanian will be coming downstairs. She'll be soaked from the bath of our 2 girls, which isn't going well and wasn't pleased when they went up.

Before going up, I decided that as part of my healthier diet attempt, I was going to boil some eggs for supper(she didn't like that because, well, eggs do things to me). I chose the mircowave, a cereal bowl, 2/3 full of water and 4 eggs.

She told me not to do it(even though I've done it before successfully) told me they would explode and even pulled it up on google to warn me.

Not me....I'm an effing cave man in my own cave and I KNOW HOW TO USE FIRE!!!!

Anyway, about 5 minutes into a 7 minute cook.....from the chair in front of the game BLAMO!!!!!!

Door blown open....stuff knocked off of top of microwave, a lady-doo-dad from the wall broken on the floor and the kitchen looks like Humpty Dumpty's family reunion was just hit with a suicide bomber.

Iowanian is going to be in for it soon.....

and now I know.....Just boil eggs on the stove.

oh boy....foot steps.

Actually, I barf a lot. It's an over-rated diet plan.

I was kind of hoping you'd have discussed making your face Oompa Loompa orange, or the consequences of using a jetblast to spike your blow'd up DO...maybe negative side effects of using a wood chipper with a big neck chain hanging out of your half-bottoned shirt.

NEVER get drunk and pee on an electric fence :shake:

My brother learned the hard way that just because something looks like chocolate doesn't mean it is. He ate nearly an entire box of Exlax (sp?) when he was three or four.

If you're the d-bag SAIA driver bringing an expensive crate to my office, don't be a douchebag, want help unloading it and plan on leaving it 10' from my office door...outside.

It turns out that when I pay hundreds of dollars to have something delivered, I expect your ass to at least have the ability to unload it, via machine or manpower and No, I'm not paying extra to have it hauled 10' indoors.

You can't help me move the 200lb crate 10' to get it indoors because you might hurt your back....but I'm supposed to help you do your job and unload it and carry it 30' out of the parking lot?

Yes, the hard lesson is you are going to catch an iowani-esque futhermuckering of your candy-union ass that isn't pleasant.

The lesson is, D-bag probably had a long ride home afterwards and I probably need my mouth soaped.

Yes, when my cousin pulls into the parking lot, I'm going to say "get out of the way douchebag, the men will take it from here" or something to that effect.

dick.

Quote:

Originally Posted by luv (Post 6306771)

My brother learned the hard way that just because something looks like chocolate doesn't mean it is. He ate nearly an entire box of Exlax (sp?) when he was three or four.

LMAO

I just learned that if you're gonna make spaghetti; wear a shirt while you cook or you might get Ragu burns on your nipples.

Also, I learned that two paper plates are decent substitutes to eliminate further sauce bubbles on the stove if you can't find the lid for your sauce pan.

Oh yea, wanna use some butthole beads on your girl? Sure you do. Make sure you use the all rubber/silcone kind. String broke on me as I was trying to pull them out all sensually. Ol girl had to shit them out, kinda ruined the moment.

Don't confuse Army athlete's foot powder with the regular body powder and put it on your frank and beans.

Bad idea, it only takes about 30 seconds to realize it.