http://www.patentlysilly.com/patent.php?patID=6832983
Article of Clothing with a Novel Attachment Means
patent#: US 6832983
view the full patent
posted on 12/21/2004, patent issued on 12/21/2004
Don't put your clothes on, put them IN! (In your anus, your vagina, whatever you've got to work with).
Inventor John Mott Goodman has patented an entirely new way to hang clothing--snap them into your genitals. Tired of that thong creeping up your bum? Your best solution might be to jam it in further. This invention holds your clothes in place by snapping them onto a bulb that is inserted into your vagina and/or rectum. Don't just cover your orifices, fill them in as well!
Goodman lays the case for his role in the evolution of fashion:
"The purposes for holding garments on one's body are to protect one from the environment, for modesty, and to conform to the dictates of fashion. And, of course, to avoid losing them altogether."
"Modesty or decency are terms that vary by culture. But in almost all cultures the minimum requirements include covering the external genitalia [penis and testicles for men, and vaginal lips for women], plus the anus. In many cultures women are also required to cover their breasts (at least the nipples and areolae). Some cultures require more coverage than this minimum, but for swimwear and underwear in particular, any such additional coverage is fast becoming optional. "
The female versions come in three sizes--Lolita, Regular, and M.I.L.F.:
"A young woman or girl might need a very small extension, whereas a woman who is sexually active might need a larger one, and a woman who has had several children might need a still larger one."
No word on the mens' sizes.
The inventor claims that his swimsuits may be safer than currently existing options. The garment can be put on "without having to lift either leg, thus allowing one to minimize the risk of falling over"
Vibrating bulbs are optional.
