The Hard Way
 

Like many of you, for some unknown reason, I've had to learn many, many lessons the hard way.

Someone tells you not to do something, but you just have to anyway.....

Share those stories and the lesson learned.

Being a "nice guy" does not mean you will get laid.

Wow. I wouldn't know where to begin....

This.

For example.

5 minutes from now, Brideowanian will be coming downstairs. She'll be soaked from the bath of our 2 girls, which isn't going well and wasn't pleased when they went up.

Before going up, I decided that as part of my healthier diet attempt, I was going to boil some eggs for supper(she didn't like that because, well, eggs do things to me). I chose the mircowave, a cereal bowl, 2/3 full of water and 4 eggs.

She told me not to do it(even though I've done it before successfully) told me they would explode and even pulled it up on google to warn me.

Not me....I'm an effing cave man in my own cave and I KNOW HOW TO USE FIRE!!!!

Anyway, about 5 minutes into a 7 minute cook.....from the chair in front of the game BLAMO!!!!!!

Door blown open....stuff knocked off of top of microwave, a lady-doo-dad from the wall broken on the floor and the kitchen looks like Humpty Dumpty's family reunion was just hit with a suicide bomber.

Iowanian is going to be in for it soon.....


and now I know.....Just boil eggs on the stove.


oh boy....foot steps.

Run man just run

Don't trust the lawyer your wife's family knows to handle the divorce for both of you just because it saves you money. It only saves in the short term.

Garden hose. Shop-Vac. Quick!

I'm going to miss that Iowanian guy.

LMAO

Let us know when you get out of the doghouse sometime this decade...

ROFL
Dude, you're in for 10 years of "remember when I told you not to cook eggs in the Microwave? Listen to me now."

LMAO.....blame it on Carl

Let her clean it up. There is a game on.

:clap:

Stay of execution.

The good news is, the fussing/teething young one, and the splashing drowned out the sound of the blast. I've scrubbed the egg guts off of everything, run ice and bleech through the disposal afterwards...

The bad news.....a few squirts of fabreeze airspray doesn't remove the stench of the death of the Dumpty family.

I knew I was screwed with 3yroldowanian came hopping into the kitchen as I put the finishing touches on and said "something stinks, clear upstairs".

She's giving a bottle to youngestowanian.....and I'll read to oldestchildowanian soon and wait for my beating.

Maybe I'll run and go to my brothers....

For future reference, assuming another carton of eggs ever makes it's way into the Iowanian residence.....


http://www.recipesource.com/main-dis...1/rec0137.html


The Perfect Hard Boiled Egg

Recipe By : Julia Child, “The Way to Cook”
Serving Size : 1 Preparation Time :0:40
Categories : Cheese/Eggs Family Recipes

Amount Measure Ingredient -- Preparation Method
-------- ------------ --------------------------------
For 1-4 Eggs:
1 to 4 Eggs
2 quarts water -- * see note
For 12 Eggs:
12 Eggs
3 1/2 quarts water -- * see note
For 24 Eggs:
24 Eggs
6 quarts water -- * see note
Special Equipment_________________________
High (not wide) Saucepan with cover
Bowl w/ice cubes & water (large enough to
completely cover eggs)

*note: water should cover the eggs by 1 inch, so use a tall pan, and limit
cooking to 2 dozen eggs at a time.

1. Lay the eggs in the pan and add the amount of cold water specified. Set
over high heat and bring just to the boil; remove from heat, cover the pan,
and let sit exactly 17 minutes.

2. When the time is up, transfer the eggs to the bowl of ice cubes and
water. Chill for 2 minutes while bringing the cooking water to the boil
again. (This 2 minute chilling shrinks the body of the egg from the shell.)

3. Transfer the eggs (6 at a time only) to the boiling water, bring to the
boil again, and let boil for 10 seconds - this expands the shell from the
egg. Remove eggs, and place back into the ice water.


Chilling the eggs promptly after each step prevents that dark line from
forming, and if time allows, leave the eggs in the ice water after the last
step for 15 to 20 minutes. Chilled eggs are easier to peel, as well.

The peeled eggs will keep perfectly in the refrigerator, submerged in water
in an uncovered container, for 2 to 3 days.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOTES : The perfect hard boiled egg has a tender white, and a yolk properly
set. There is not the faintest darkening of yolk where the white encircles
it (a chemical reaction caused by too much heat in the cooking process).
Eggs cooked this way can also be peeled neatly.

The system described here, developed by the Georgia Egg Board, takes a bit
of fussing - but it really does produce an absolutely Perfect Hard Boiled Egg!

Say you ate the eggs, and the smell is what the eggs do to you.

sounds like you waited too long
to nuke some eggs

I'm thinking this one is going to rank right up there, but still behind the first time I went to ride a bull, and as I strutted out of the house, my dad saying "don't bust your ass"...

I know there are some good, hard-earned lessons in the day crew.

Somewhere, one of you is dying to post your "don't use superglue for lube" story.

If you ever engage in an argument with your wife that you've had numerous times before, never... ever... say, "Oh, are we gonna argue over this shit again? 'Cause I'm gonna need a ****ing chair."

Also, don't argue over piracy on an internet bulletin board.

Well, you're still amongst the living. How did the missus take it? It could'nt have been too bad.

If you're driving in an unfamiliar area in the middle of a huge downpour, don't assume that the intersection in front of you is flat with a few inches of water on it. It is possible for the intersection to be a few feet lower than the road you are on, and simply filled with water.

What do the ice and bleach do? Is that a way to prevent your drain pipes from getting clogged or something? Do you use straight bleach?

I only have two fingers on my right hand, I'm missing my left ear and foot, and I'm down to one testicle.

How bad do you think it was?

Holy crap! That's even better than (also something not to say to wife/girlfriend) "did you want to talk about something or did you just call to bitch at me?"

I guess asking her for a BJ right now is out of the question?

I had a lady friend, she had a kid, she didn't take real good care of the kid, so everyone told me that she was bad news and move on. Well I am bored, alone, and don't have many lady friends who aren't toothless or 300 pounds so I stuck with her. Obvouisly it didn't work out :shakefist:

After an argument in the morning and attending a funeral that afternoon and reminiscing about the service don't mention that the correct song to be played at the wife's funeral is Ding - Dong - The - Witch - Is - Dead.

This nugget of advise was one of the most difficult and painful things to learn...

It was bad news. Bad news.

I had this conversation with my wife this morning:

Her: "This person at work said this to me, how dare she. Bitch bitch bitch, moan moan moan, nag nag nag, whine whine whine."

Me: "Uh huh. Really?" **trying to work through her bitching**

Her: "Bitch bitch bitch, moan moan moan, nag nag nag, whine whine whine."

Me: "Ok. Sorry to hear that." **still trying to work through her bitching**

Her: "Bitch bitch bitch, moan moan moan, nag nag nag, whine whine whine."

Me: "Uh huh. Ok." **work is getting harder now as bitching/whining becomes louder**

Her: "Bitch bitch bitch, moan moan moan, nag nag nag, whine whine whine."

Me: "Ok. Well, just send it over to her, let her take care of the customer. It's her problem, not yours."

Her: "I can't do that to the customer, she had already been transferred twice."

Me: "Ok, so take care of the customer and just forget it."

Her: "But she does this all the time."

Me: "Tell her to stop transferring her customers and to stop putting her work off onto you."

Her: "She'll just get pissed and then I'll have to deal with that for the next month."

Me: "Ok. So what do you want from me?"

Her: "I just wanted you to listen while I vented."

Me: "I've got other shit to do."

Her: "I guess it's too hard to just listen to me vent."

Me: "Well, that's all you women do.....vent about other people. I have shit to do."

Her: **storms out of my office**


**Note to women: If you don't want a man to fix your problem, go vent to another woman. That's what men do....fix things. It's in our nature. Women bitch, men fix.

1. You can get kicked off a balcony, in New Orleans, on Bourbon Street, during Mardi Gras.
2. Even though you have on enough beads to totally cover your front, you still have to wear a shirt, during Mardi Gras, in New Orleans on Bourbon Street.
3. Do be careful of how many Hurricanes you drink, and how fast you drink them. If you do not heed this advice you might wake up in a van, under an overpass with a bag of smushed white castle burgers thinking, "what the hell happened last night?"
4. Find a bar with a restroom and stay there.
5. If you find yourself getting bored and do not heed 4, do not start drinking straight vodka over ice just so you can use a new bars restroom.
6. During Mardi Gras you can easily consume three to four time more alcohol than normal. I do not recommend this.

Umm... pics?

ALWAYS give ample warning before you put it in her butt.

2 or 3 years ago.
early spring...took the wife and daughter out mushroom hunting. as we're walking through the woods, we came to an old rotted tree that was still standing. eager to prove my manly strength i said, "watch this" and began pushing against the trunk of the tree, rocking it back and forth trying to get it to fall over.

the wife said, "i don't think you should be doing that.", which i ignored.

all at once the trunk of the tree broke about 18feet up, and the top swung down and cracked me on the side of the head, dislocating my jaw and knocking me senseless.

so, the girls took me to the emergency room, where my jaw was put back into the socket, and 28 stitches placed into the side of my head.

i've never lived it down.
sec

heck if i know where they are now, this was back when i was cute, young and skinny! haha

ROFL

NO. When I grind up stinky stuff/food in the garbage disposal, I put some ice in it...grind it with water to help get out some of the funky-gunk and then pour in a couple of glugs of laundry bleach.


The most grief I caught was about the egg smell wafting through the house.

I ended up leaving to go visit my brother, and ended up on a mandventure. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

I learned the lesson Mr Plow is getting at long ago, but still don't have it mastered.

When women are bitching about work/friends/stuff....they DO NOT want solutions offered. They just want you to listen, and not try to stick your thumb in their butt while they're distracted. Just listen....zone out......try to nod with interest.....don't respond.

Im not so sure on this one, if I don’t throw in a "that’s bullshit!!" or "some people!?" every now and then she thinks I’m not listening and then I become the focus of her angst.

My younger brother and I are a year and half apart. As teenagers, we often got in fistfights, terrible fights that sometimes ended with dental work and doctors visits.

When I was probably about 14 years old, we got in a bad fight outside of my grandma's house. Somewhere along the way, to end the beat down, he grabbed a bottle of flea and tick spray off of the porch and sprayed me in the eyes. Instead of worrying about the intense pain in my eyes and being effectively blinded, I was intent on knocking his head off. So, I chased him around, blinded, wildly swinging, hoping to kill him instead of getting inside and flushing out my eyes.

He proceeded to run inside and lock me out of the house. It was the middle of summer too, so it didn't help that it was like 100 degrees out and my eyes were melting inside of my head. So I stood at the door, begging for him to let me inside so I could flush out my eyes. Which he agreed to, under the pretense that I wouldn't swing at him anymore.

So I get inside, and being the incredibly smart guy I am when I'm mad, I don't even worry about my throbbing eyes anymore; and as soon as he opens the door, I come after him again. And he still has the flea and tick spray in his hand....and he hits me with it again.

Then I give up and lay on the floor in the kitchen dying, and beg him to help me flush my eyes out in the sink. That was a really hard lesson.

When someone agrees to let you inside to flush out your eyes because they have flea and tick spray in them, and all they ask is that you don't swing at them anymore...don't swing at them.

You're right, and what I meant with fein interest. "you don't say" "I'll be damned" "that bitch"......are much different than "what you should do is stop listening to her bitch about her job, tell her to shutup and get a new one if its so bad"

Exactly!!

You may have to explain this one further, Tucker Max.

No idea who Tucker Max is, however no matter how many times you've done it before or how much she loves it it the catcher is not ready to receive the pitch bad things happen. Dont really want to get into it but please take my word for it.

I also learned that not everything you see in porn is acceptable outside of porn. Ya know when you see the guy spit on the chick to increase lubrication, yea chicks don’t like that.
So there I am with this half balack half Polish skirt, Mieska, this girl was an absolute freak down for anything right, nope, as soon as the spit left my lips I knew it was going to end bad. Sure enough she looks at me with utter disbelief in her eyes and screamed "did you just ****ing spit on me!?" "are you out of your mind!?" and that ended that play session, no worries though she was over the next night in a nurses outfit.

No matter how "ok" your wife is with you chatting with an attractive women, the moment you and said attractive woman step outside for a smoke, you are having an affair with her.

Sounds like brideowanian has never gotten dutch ovened if she asked you to make those eggs. it would have been a good life lesson for her if your innards work like mine under pressure with hard boiled or pickled eggs.

How dare you, to be ignorant in the Ways and the Identity of our LORD Tucker Max.

Dont worry J-Town Im all over it.

Only if he drops dead in 10 years. This is a lifer of an f-up because later it will be good for a laugh. Never gonna hear the end of this one. She may have their tombstones engraved

Hers: So, he wants to boil some eggs for supper(she didn't like that because, well, eggs do things to me). I chose the mircowave, a cereal bowl, 2/3 full of water and 4 eggs... (And so on and so forth)

His: But did I listen? Nooooooo.

I learned if you're gonna get stoned, and eat like an animal, that if you choose mixed nuts as your food victim, make sure you chew that shit well..........the hard way.

Moral of the story, never start any action you do with any variation of "watch this" as somehow this general phrase wakes up the Lord our God's funny bone, which is then realized with complete, and usually painful, catastrophic absurdity.

I've tried to instill my wife with the knowledge that she gets 10 minutes per day of my absolutely positively undivided attention and to use it wisely. But does she? No. And yes, 10 minutes of my undivided attention is about 9 minutes more than I give anybody else in the world...unless its a talk about football, porn, music, video games or beer (AKA "My Hobbies").

due to my record of concussions, i'm no longer able to mushroom hunt.
sec

Did you have them hold your beer?

Thanks to concussions I have decided that falling out of trees and trying to kick soccer balls on ice are both generally bad ideas.

Of course I could see how you could use this to your advantage, "You don't want daddy to get off the couch, heck, you remember what happened when I tried to do something as mundane as mushroom hunt"

i stopped letting people hold my beer a long, long time ago. you should know better than to do it too.
sec

You got that out of Penthouse letters didn't you?

Last March I went to New Orleans with some friends to partake in a pre st pattys day bar crawl parade/vacation. I get there at 11am on a Thursday and we have lunch and then make a decision, do we do some volunteer work or start drinking? my vote was to start drinking.

Anyhow, we start doing shots of Jameson and drinking beers at 1pm. I didn't eat dinner for some odd reason that night and wound up blacking out. all I remembered was going up the elevator in the wrong hotel and that my passport and wallet were missing but I had all my cash. so I slept on it and try putting together the loose ends the next morning.

I wake up on Friday and have a serious problem. no ID or anything and I have to fly back to NJ on Monday. I have my brother fed ex me a copy of birth certificate and have work email me scan of drivers license. then I call New Orleans PD and ask for police report so I can travel with all 3 on Monday, NO PD laughs at me and says that will take 45 days to get a police report. WTF? :cuss:

Fast forward to Saturday. I have a blinking light on my phone in my hotel room. it's from a cab driver named Chris saying he has all my shit. I told him to come to my hotel and I'll take care of him. I gave him $100 and thanked him and then asked ''wtf happened that night, fill me in''. he said I was stumbling and bumbling through the french quarter and asked him if I could get a ride, he said sure, where to? I say ''I don't know''. I was staying at the old queens hotel across canal street. he drives by the omni hotel and I say that's my hotel, so that's how I went up the elevator in the wrong hotel. I was lucky I didn't get ****ing robbed, what a dumbass I was that day.


Anyway, the moral of the story is to always make sure to eat well if you're gonna get shit faced. I canceled my ****ing passport that had 7 years left on it :cuss:

Apparently, my microwave IQ is below 75.

So....given the recent disaster with the dumpty family in mind.....

I've been out to meetings, no lunch yada yada yada....zip in the house, fling a bag of orville Redenbacher in the M-wave and hit 3 minutes...go check email.

Somethign isn't right when I get back down.....

I'd thrown the bag on top of that plastic bowl thingamajig that goes over plates to keep it from splattering.

The entire center of that is melted and gone....stuck to the bag.

Lesson.
Don't put a bag of popcorn on top of the plastic dish.

I must have my head seriously in my ass this week....

Have you recently put your head in the microwave?

She was very much against the idea of my selection for that meal.


If you read my social commentary thread....you'd know that I'm a pickled egg stuntman.
search and learn.


plow.
maybe I've stood too close or something. I'm on some new stuff thats making me feel a little off this week, but didn't know it made me mentally challenged.

ROFL Unfortunately not, that’s all me. Not one of my finer moments. I can honestly say I’ve never cracked open that mag.

Wait a minute -- you had kids?!?! Sweet Jesus H. Riverdancing Christ ...

;)

Hmmm ... things I've learned the hard way:

5. Gravity.

4. Newton's second law.

3. Never say to a boss you hate: "What are you going to do, fire me?"

2. How to unfasten a bra (I was a freshman in college before I learned to do it with a snap. Kinda embarassing before that, so all you youngins need to practice.)

And the most important lesson I learned the hard way:

1. Unless you are honestly trying to have kids, wear a rubber. Always. Even if she says she's on the pill. She may not be, and child support is expensive.

Hope some of this helps ...

MM
~~:thumb: :D

Cocaine is a helluva drug.
You get to fall in love more than once.
Killing sucks.

One thing I found out the hard way...

Don't fry bacon naked!

Beer before Liquor.....

Not if you're paid for it

sometimes that last pringle is just not worth it

Charge for the killing!
Give the sex for free!

Dammit. I had it backwards.

Example please.

Unless you like cold shoulder and sharp tongue for dinner every night for the next month.
Never ever call your wife / gf a "dimpley assed b!tch".

If you usually get a piece of ass and 2 shirts from the Mrs. and your 2 kids for christmas / birthday never complain about all 3 gifts being 2 sizes too big.

Some women do not hit like a girl. If she makes a fist and "throws" a punch it's going to hurt.

A lesson learned the hard way?

No matter how lovely the lady, mixing sex and hallucinogenic mushrooms is a VERY bad idea.

Another funny story about a young girl from Wildwood, NJ that learned life the hard way. back when I was 25 in 1991 I was in a club in Wildwood and was all liquored up with some friends of mine. I was never big on the dancing shit, but I needed to get my wiener wet. so I asked this smokin hot chick if she wanted to dance and she had this disgusted look on her face and said ''with you, no''. so I replied with ''that's ok, I have to take a shit anyway''. my friends fell out of their chairs laughing and this chick had her mouth open in shock! SHOCK I TELL YOU!

ROFL

I couldn't find the exact quote but in the movie clerks a guy gets his hand stuck in a pringle can

Absinthe...... Thats all I need to say!

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=199601

I missed your original thread, funny shit!! I tried that once. It reminded me of Sambocca with it's licorice taste too it. STRONG stuff!!! I did it with the water poured over the sugar cube on the slotted spoon.