Best Facebook Status Updates
 

Some of you have verbalized your hatred for Facebook. I like it, and especially enjoy some creative status updates. I'm wondering what the best status updates you've seen/used are.

Here's the one I'm running right now:

"As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children and pets. To turn this option off, go to Settings, then Privacy, then Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook anything. Copy this to your status to warn your friends!"

"WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE MONDAY?" and "THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY!"

Here's one I saw last night...

If you don't know, as of today, Facebook wil automatically start plunging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings --> Planetary Settings --> Trajectory then UN-CLICK the box that says 'Apocalypse.' Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and paste onto your status for all to see.

[It seemed like every other person made a status update about the snow in springfield two weeks ago]

My status: Springfield, Imma let you finish, but the Day after Tomorrow had the best snowstorm.

Nobody really replied to it, and I was pissed.

I saw that today...funny.

One of my friends posted this about her 3 yo little girl. I couldn't help but laugh

so, i took autumn to go to the bathroom this morning. when she was sitting on the toilet she farted really long . . . . her eyebrows popped up and she got this surprised look on her face and she said "momma, did that make my hair move?" i said "did what?" and she said "my fart." i said "no, baby, that was the heat vent kicking on!" ROTFL

I just used this one. The Facebook paranoia is amusing to poke fun at.

a strawberry cow has wondered onto your farm

That's pretty good, IMO. It is disappointing when you think you've got a great update and it lands with a deafening thud.

My friend Posted this. We'll call him Friend #1

Friend #1: Chris Henry looks like a black Avatar
-Friend #2: ...too soon?
-Friend #3: They are not called Avatars Garrett! They're called Na'vi...JEEZ!
-Me: *looked*
-Friend #1: Looked?
-Me: No, you said he *looks* like a black Avatar, I corrected you. He *looked* like a black Avatar.
Friend #1: Oooooooh Matt too soon!! Too soon!!! What's wrong with you!!!!

That was a status update??? :clap:

I just don't understand all this fancy smancy interbook facenet hoohaw, next thing you know all these youngsters will be running around with tellaphones in their pocket.

I saw this one.

"Welp looks like ESPN has decided to broadcast Women's College Basketball on TV again, I guess ESPN is telling me to go study for my physics final"

ROFL

Nice. I just stole it. Have some rep in return!

Consider anything posted that is funny in this thread stolen.

Exactly. I need to build up a cache of status updates available for any moment/situation.

I refuse to be one of those....NAME is having coffee status people.

Why do people want to copy others' status updates? I've never understood that at all. Doesn't that kinda defeat the purpose?

The ones that piss me off are the: Confused, upset, wondering bla bla bla. Then people comment: What's wrong, everything okay, whats going on, but they never reply.

Then you have the people that post EVERY ****ING THING that pops in their head - they get the hide button pretty fast

is [this comment has been removed due to legal action by the Church of Scientology].


just noticed that the "lol" acronym looks like a drowning person.


Scratch ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today's status.

And it's one thing if it's not a normal update and there is something wrong, but the constant teenage angst / attention whoring updates get annoying fast. Jump down off that cross, use the wood to make a bridge, and get over it.

"[blah blah blah]. FML"

Read something about LJ and remembered my status update from the day we cut him...

Bearcat: Good riddance, Larry Johnson... I remember sitting at 54th Street the day the Chiefs traded down to get him, completely dumbfounded at what I had just witnessed..... and if being as overrated as the college he went to isn't enough, he's not even a decent person and has an IQ of a toaster.
November 9 at 10:32am

Bearcat: And not even a good toaster, but one that always burns your toast and never pops the toast all the way up so you end up sticking a fork into it and electrocuting yourself.

Bearcat (I normally don't respond twice to my own posts... I was a bit overjoyed): Seriously though, stay classy...
http://blogs.pitch.com/plog/Larry%20...on%20vegas.jpg


And one of the comments from a friend...
I have always hated LJ... In High School/College I used to be a counselor at a camp for CMH kids with heart conditions and one year we had him come out... not only was he 3 hours late and only stay for 15 min, but he wouldn't even throw the ball around with this kids... AND during a short QA session one of the kids asked if he wished he'd finished college and LJ scoffed and laughed as he said "No... college was a waste of time." To a bunch of 9-year-old kids! AND... he wouldn't sign any autographs because "his agent advised him not to" or some BS like that.

I mean come on! Most of these kids have spent more of their life in the hospital than on the playground.

He was a total creep.
November 9 at 10:52am

I remember putting up a faux Craigslist ad selling an overpriced, underproducing locker room cancer the day he went off on Twitter.

99% of my Facebook friends aren't Chiefs fans, so they really had no clue what I was talking about.

I hate that. Get a twitter if you want to do that, and then people who give a shit can subscribe.

chiefs blackout doesn't mean everyone in the stands is going to be wearing black

Oh that's good

Facebook used to be good.

.... then they allowed anyone to register.
.... then they added all of the stupid apps.

I remember when you had to have a valid university email address to register.

Facebook has turned into MySpace and that is not a good thing.

I posted this one the other day: "THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Have you ever wondered if the bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? Have a nice day."

Friend of mine who is from my hometown, went to Mizzou for a year, and has since been in Butt****nowhere, Nevada

Friend: Just wrote a 4 page, single spaced, front and back essay for my history final on the kansas-Nebraska Act, why kansas is the root of all evil, why kansas caused the civil war, how much of a badass Quantrill was, and how much I hate kansas with a passion. It only had to be one paragraph.....

You must be friends with some of the same jackasses with whom I'm friends.

Yeah. I remember when McDonalds was legitimately delicious. Then they realized they could make billions of dollars if they served processed crap.

Don't install the stupid apps. I have 99% of them on ignore.

This site has some pretty damn good ones on it if your interested.

http://facebookstatus.blogspot.com

how about these status updates that a lot of people do because they think we care.

"I just washed my hands"

5 min later

"I'm going to go watch TV now"

10 min later

"there is nothing on TV"

15 min later

"well guys, you will not believe this but I am going to have a glass of orange juice!!!"

20 min later

"It's time to wash some dishes"

15 min later

"I'm just had a CUP OF COFFEE!!!!"

automatic de-friending when I see this

Agreed. I hate that crap.

Egg-sactly

Not really... Facebook still has really good privacy options (not that they all work like they should), and you can see pretty much exactly what you want to see. I block all the apps... the only big annoyance are the ones that are "posted by iPod Giveaway" or "posted by Best Buy Gift Card Giveaway", because I have to hide those f***ers one at a time.

As far as who can register, I only see the people I want to see, so I don't care who else is on FB. If you don't want to friend your aunt Martha, don't friend her. :shrug:

christmas is about getting back to the basics, having your gas turned off by the gas company, gathering around an open electric stove drinking cheep booze and crying that you can hug your dead relatives

ROFL

I've said this one before on here and on facebook

I am sad I hit a dog this morning, left a note for the owner, sorry about the dog, we'll talk about the damage to my car tomorrow.

Mexican limo

I posted this one today:

I'm on a weird quest to get people to quit starting FB posts with things like...

Thinks,
Is doing,
Likes,

etc.

I don't know why but I just think it's a little too close to talking about yourself in the 3rd person which is about one of the biggest D baggish things one could do.

i bet Bob Dole does NOT agree