Have You Found Jesus?
 

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!"" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the drunk under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
:D

Have you found Jesus?
 

I didn't know I was s'posed to be lookin' for him, sir.

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face covered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

I haven't been in Seattle.

He's too busy learning another position and recording commercials to let people know they should never listen to the advice of doctors.

i didn't know he was lost

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
----- Benjamin Franklin
:BLVD:

Found jesus in a mexican pizza once, had to let him go though.

Found Jesus in a 1/2 mexican once.

Had to let her go too...

That must have been awkward.

I saw Jesus at church on Sunday. He has a well groomed mustache and he turns water into coffee.

Mods, remove this post or I'm leaving forever.

I found him...

http://lh3.ggpht.com/_xM6S1O620QE/St...s800/Jesus.jpg

Let's just say he won't be causing any more terrible religious wars and won't be coming back a 2nd time.

:D

So a priest walks into a bar and sits next to a fellow who's been drinking for a bit. After the priest orders a drink, the guy beside him says, "Father, I've been wondering...my ex-high-school-sweetheart just became a nun. I understand it's very respectable, but why do so many women commit to a life like that?"

The priest thought for a moment and replied, "Well, my son, the call to the Sisterhood is an important step to gaining a closer, more emotional and spiritual relationship with Jesus."

"That's what I thought," the guy said. "I just can't wrap my head around how she wants to go through all of that."

"What do you mean?" the priest asked.

"Well, she's never been into arrogant or boastful guys."

The priest took into consideration that the fellow had been drinking and remained calm. "Jesus tried to help the people of the world in every way he could, and he tried to remain unseen. He most certainly was not arrogant or boastful."

"I'm sorry, Father, but that's definitely bullsh*t," the guy replied. "Any guy has gotta be a prick if he's going to lie about how well he was hung."

Jesus is cool. I am totally for everything Jesus stood for. Plus, I like miracles. A lot.

But, the thing is that Jesus has had some pretty stiff competition ever since Mr. DaneMcCloud raised himself from the dead.

FAX

Seriously....I live in San Diego....20% of our population is named Jesus!

Speaking of Jesus, this is a hilarious read- Christopher Moore's "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal."

http://www.amazon.com/Lamb-Gospel-Ac...4908149&sr=1-1