Parental advice needed
 

As some of you know, I've got 4 kids - 3 boys (11, 5, 4) & 1 girl (2). My wife & I have recently discovered that our 11 year old is starting puberty. Voice is changing, mood swings, hair under his arms, etc.

Being the great father I am, I hoped it would just go away and he would revert back to the cute, loving 4 year old that I remember - but alas, it isn't working no matter how much I try to ignore it.

We have noticed that he has taken an interest in the fairer sex as of late, but we have also discovered that he has taken an interest in....uhhhhh....ahem....internet porn.

My wife asked me if I looked at porn when I was his age, and I honestly don't remember if I did. But, as I told her, if I did look at porn, I certainly didn't have the readily access to it that he does in this age of computers, iPods, laptops, etc. I told her that if I wanted to look at porn, I had to look at magazines - which, in hindsight, really sucks compared to what options are available now.

So, now I get to have "the talk" with him. I get to try to explain to him what I actually know about women, which is very little, and what he and his body are going through. I also get to try to explain what is going on in the video's & pictures he has seen and how women should be respected & treated.

I never really had "the talk" with my dad, so I'm looking for a little guidance from those of you that have been through this with a child.

This should be interesting...
:popcorn:

My son is 8....I'll be taking notes.

I fully expect this to go badly....but, I'm hoping to find a few good tidbits of info in there somewhere.

i told my cousin when he was about 11 that if he got hair in other places there was something wrong with him.
ROFL

I would just be direct and honest, including how uncomfortable you are in talking about it in large part because your dad never shared with you. Ask him what he knows and what he doesn't know, and tell him that you just want him to feel comfortable asking you whatever he wants.

I think trying to act like it's no big deal won't work. He'll see through it and see what you're doing as a necessary evil.

I never had the talk. Good luck.

ROFL

tell him not to use that self tanning lotion to jerk off with. my son woke up one morning, thinking his dick was rotting off.
sec

You won't get much help from the usual crew. Lucky thing Gaz is on the way.

Man, if there was a way to somehow filter all the nasty shit out and just leave the pretty naked ladies posing, it would be nice. I don't have an 11 year old, but I think I would be OK with him checking nude girls out. I would not want him to get desensitized to all that sick shit until he was at least 15-16. This is tough, Hawk.

"The talk" is an antiquated idea whose time came and went a long time ago.

ROFL

It's a tough call... I guess a lot will depend on how you think your view of religion falls into it. I think you should do everything possible to avoid talking down to him, talk with him and DO NOT make it sound like he's weird or doing something evil by looking at porn.

Most normal males found a way to look at a Playboy or one of those shows on Cinemax back in the day when Cable first hit the scene.

The kid is doing what is perfectly normal for a kid with questions and racing hormones. You know he's probably seen just about anything and everything that you don't want him to see. And, thanks to friends... he's probably heard more than he needs to know about sex, women, etc.

So, I would try to keep it simple - it's going to be awkward as hell for both of you. Ask him what he has questions about... ask him if he understands what really happens when people get naked and exchange juices. Babies, marriage, the hardships involved by doing things way too early.

As long as you keep it open ... and don't make it sound like he's doing evil things, I think you can have a good conversation. Be honest and say up front "Hey, you and I do need to talk about this... and please know that you won't get in trouble for being honest with me." The kid has probably heard about and seen pictures of everything (as mentioned earlier), but that doesn't mean he understands it... so, that's the part you need to focus on and just let him know that you're always there for him.

When I turned 16... my talk with my dad consisted of him walking by me as I was reading the paper, he dropped a small brown bag in front of me and said "I know you're at that age and while I can't force you not to do something... I don't want you to be afraid NOT to buy these or get into a situation where you don't have them."

I opened the bag and there was a package of condoms... that was both shocking and appreciated, but still... that was the bulk of our li'l sex talk.

Enjoy.

Make sure he knows.....that you never go ATM.

As a kid I looked at porn on the net. I had access to local bulletin boards with a 2400baud modem. I was busted and basically had a confrontation with my parents as opposed to them having a conversation with me about it.

I quickly learned how to hide my downloads and how to clear my cookies and cache. It is even easier now with private browsing now being included in web browsers.

I'm not a parent but I would think that a parent would want control over what their kid is able to view online. You can limit his access to the internet either by time or you can sensor by content.

Some routers have the ability to restrict internet use by time. Say, your kid can use the internet from 6:30 to 9:30 every day. Anything after 9:30 you would have to type in a password.

On the other hand, there are programs available like Net Nanny that filter the internet by content.

Maybe you could put him on chiefsplanet and we can do the talk for you? Save you some time anyway.

I've posted this before:

<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FQt7VoJePRM&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FQt7VoJePRM&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

These days a kid can learn pretty much everything he needs to know about sex from prime time television.

I'm going to look into that Net Nanny - because honestly, I need something to block that effectively. What about for iPod touch - is there anything out there for those? My wife found mine downstairs, pulled up the internet and saw a bunch of sites. Thought I was looking at porn when it was my son.

ROFL This.

Brilliant idea.

This is one of the sites I'm trying to stop him from going to. :D

Kids are going to look at porn whether you block the shit on your computer or not.

Just sayin' There's really no way around it.

In all honesty, Mr. Plow, it's great to be active about this now. As much as I look at porn and know that the majority of men do as well, it is something that can be addictive and provide harmful ideas about how women are to be treated and an 11 year old is not quite ready for that sort of discussion about being demeaned, etc. That being said, I think it's really important that when you have the discussion that you teach him that masturbation, etc and all this is normal for his age and for sexuality. It's your job, however, to keep lines of communication open for the talks that will come later. While it's scary that he is only 11, that's the normal age for boys and girls to start wondering about their own ability to use their bodies.

I have no idea if you are a church going person or not, but in our denomination we have an actual "sex camp" for kids a year older than him, that teaches kids not the whole True Love Waits curriculum, but a more rational understanding of sex and what it means to be God's creation. The camp gives kids the tools they need to make sound decisions in regards to sexuality and also biologically teaches them about how their bodies work so that it normalizes those feelings that puberty brings on of attraction to others and fascination with masturbating, etc. You can PM me if you want some info on that, or if you want some of the tools the curriculum itself uses. I think what it teaches is life changing and empowering for young people.

Horrible idea. No teenager is gonna wanna listen to that crap.

What I'm saying is that the porn is secondary to the hormones at work, I think it's healthy at this point to teach him that what's happening is normal, give him some solid material to use, and let him know there are appropriate and inappropriate ways of satisfying what is for humans a basic need.

My dad had a talk with me when I was like 16 years old or so because he found my brother's porn stash and figured out I'd been looking at them. My parents were extremely religious, but even my dad had a "real" talk with me. He said something like, "Son, it's natural to want to look at porn. There's nothing really wrong with it. The main problem is that it gives you a skewed and inaccurate view of women. You know that your mom and I don't agree with pornography and don't want it in our house, so I threw away those magazines."

I think what he said about porn not being a "real" depiction of women is a good point.

yeah, it's the most successful camp we have and has changed the lives of thousands of teens, but whatever

ROFL Yeah, sure it has.

My wife started talking to our girls about anatomy/sex when they were 5 or 6 and eased into it. Once every couple of months, she'd take one of our two daughters and I'd take the other one on a "special day". Mom's special days always included a talk and then maybe some shopping or lunch. Dad's usually included a movie or a trip to the park or something like that. By the time the girls got to puberty, they were pretty used to open talks about the subject. Hopefully it will end well instead of turning them into coke-addicted strippers or something like that. Or worse, I hope they don't become shopaholics.

Can't get preggers in the butt.

I'm going to have 3. I can't wait for these kinds of talks. :shake:

**** you, honestly. God forbid the Church actually address the subject in a rational way. Maybe the actual honesty of the camp is life changing. And since you've never worked with anything like that, perhaps you should shut the **** up about something you know nothing about.

The mouth on you. I don't believe I said anything that prompted such a trashy low class response.

This is a great idea. We could be the positive male role models who truly shape his adult personality.

My parents never had "the talk" with me. The closest they ever came was teasing me whenever I said anything about a girl. I pretty much learned everything from the older kids who sat at the back of the school bus, which I would not recommend as a strategy.

The worst thing you can do is be a positive male role model. Now they're going to expect their husbands to take them to movies and the park, and that's just setting them up for disappointment.

This is great advice.

Don't act like we don't have history, Brock. It is SO frustrating to me that anytime I say something that has to do with church or faith, it seems to invite you to ridicule or sarcasm.

I don't have kids, but just have the talk with him. There really is no right answer here. I would say about porn that some of it isn't realistic and that he needs to understand that. If you look at it for to long and too often you have problems having sex with real women, because it throws off what would be real world expectations. However it can be educational. Tell him not to be a "selfish" lover.

Another thing I would mention is exercising his muscles to help increase stamina. Maybe that's a later conversation. Remember too...it's not just one conversation. You want to create an environment where he can feel free to ask questions.

I don't ridicule anyone for their religion, so I think you might be talking out of your ass. In any case, I'd think a representative of a church would be able to think of something to say besides gutter talk.

1. You have to begin by being comfortable enough to have the conversation with your son. The more comfortable you are with the subject matter the more comfortable he'll feel with openly communicating with you. Kids can sense that you're uneasy so it's absolutely vital that you take the edge off of the discussion.

2. Secondly, I would take time out to get a command of the information I was going to share with my child. Textbooks and videos can be helpful, but can also ruin the comfortable atmosphere you've created. I've found that the best way for me to get through to my son is to share my own personal experiences with puberty. Might be good for you to recall what it was like for you during this time and use your not having been given "the talk" as a way to reinforce the calm you'll need to maintain. You're there, after all, to be the guidance you didn't have. Also explain to him that porn is for adults who understand sex on a deeper level and can see it for what it is, but not something you want to serve as sex education for him. If you demonize it too much...it'll make him curious as to what it is you don't want him to be exposed to.

3. Keep things very basic and explain things in a way your son can easily understand. You want him to make you his source for information on the subject. If he feels the information isn't easily accessible or understood he'll take the path of least resistance and get information from people who likely don't know much more than he does.

4. Leave the door open to future conversations. As he treks deeper into puberty other questions will need to be answered. And he'll have experiences he'll likely want you to clarify. Tell him three times during this discussion that you want him to be open with you and feel free to come to you anytime he has questions, needs advice or just needs someone to listen to him. Don't cap the conversation in such a way that it seems like a one-off. You want it to be the beginning in a series of discussions.

I think if you do those 4 things...
It'll be much easier than you ever thought it could be.

Thing is... he knows more than what you think he does (by school and the Internets)... Keep it Brutally REAL. Tellem EVERYTHING.
Pu$$y, dick and think of some others to let him know you've been where he's at and know it all (even tho u don't).... the slang it stands for, etc.
blowjob... etc.

Also have'm read something on STD's with pics to reinforce the necessity of a condom.
Especially the part that 70% of sexually active peeps have some form of HPV.

Tellem you did it all and that you've done all that he's about to go through and that he can come to you for advice/guidance. The main thing is to KEEP IT BRUTALLY REAL so that he won't be ashamed or scared to talk to you in the future because you'll sugarcoat everything.

Hope this helps... Had the talk with the 11 yo a couple of years ago... gonna have her read the STD thing in the near future. (She just turned 13).

Dad had the talk with me

I had the talk a few years back with mine (now 16 and 17 and regularly dating)

Nothing special - this is what the biology is about, these are the consequences, and most importantly - spontaneous decisions can affect the rest of your life in ways you wont like.

Both of them snuck looks at my playboys and calendars - no big deal. Just had to make sure I got them back - the Playboy 25th anniversary special was passed down from my dad :)

ok, you're right, you NEVER have been condescending or judgmental in any way, please forgive me for being wrong and for saying bad words.

I wouldn't make it a movie or shopping trip. My dad did that and I was scared shitless to go alone with him anywhere after that. That is a ridiculously awkward situation for a kid going through puberty to experience. Don't associate it with anything.

This sounds like a job for Hootie.

Sweet Jesus

Heh. I flipped on Brock once as well because I felt (mistakenly) that he was stalking me around and singling me out for asshole treatment. I basically told him to leave me alone and stop posting in reply to me. I doubt he even remembers (or read for that matter) my post about it. Anyway, I've since decided that he's just an asshole in general and doesn't discriminate or single people out. ;)

In all seriousness, I think it was coincidental... but I started actually liking Brock and enjoying his takes on things shortly after I blew up and got pissed off at him. Guy can be funny as hell... even if he's brutally honest.

That's ok, you probably can't help it.

I'm sorry I blew up. This is a subject I'm very passionate about and have done so much work in, he just hit a nerve.

One of the greatest gifts a father can give a son, Mr. Mr. Plow, is an understanding of the natural, normal, sexual attraction between a man and a woman.

That, and the location of the clitoris.

FAX

Sweet Jesus is right.

Would you happen to have your map handy?

Don't use the Lord's name like that.....Jilly will blow up at you.

My dad called my brother and I into his home office when I was around 15, and had already uncorked my gun. He said "boys, your mom wants me to talk to you". We thought we were in trouble for something....and then he said "is there anything you want to know about women? It's pretty much like the cows" We said "yeah, we're good, we know all about it" he said "good talk" and left.

I understood the reproduction part because of our time on the farm...I knew if you turned the bulls in June First, you'd get calves starting on a certain date, I knew a hog had babies 112 days after the boar rode them. I knew you could tell when a heifer was stuck by the bull because of the hunch in her back when he was mounted.....

There was a lot more I didn't understand than I thought I did though, but that had more to do with girls changing their mind about things, why you shouldn't say certain things....the same stuff every guy learns the hard way.


Mom hated anything porn related. if she found a mag, it got burned and you got your ass chewed.


Kids now have it easy.....

Watch the Birds and Bees episode from South Park. That will teach him everything.

my advice is to ignore it and let him figure it out on his own.

that's what my parents did, and I turned out fine... (pay no attention to my comments in the pics forum)

Borkc used to be Brock Landers....fictional pornstar in the movie Boogie Nights.

OH COME ON! I've lost my cool like 3 times over the last 5 years on this site with all you crazies! I'd say I've done fairly well for a crazy redhead!

ROFL

buy him a hooker

This, if you sugar coat it with the birds and the bees, I assume, he won't take it seriously.

That's not a bad idea, actually. Probably the very best sex education a young man can have. If she's a good teacher, he will be the most popular kid in school for years to come.

FAX

In the case of my girls, the movies and shopping trips happened long before puberty hit. The point was supposed to be that if you start out early, you can theoretically avoid the just-in-time awkward puberty talk. By the time puberty arrived, they were both pretty familiar with what was happening and they were used to talking to us (mainly their mom) about topics like periods, tampons, sex and the perverted and dangerous creatures we call boys. At least that was the plan and I *think* it played out ok.

:clap:

My mom actually gave me that book when I was a kid. I think I turned out ok.

God damm it that is not a nice thing to say.

A few years ago, my then 12 year old son, decided to look at porn at his mother's house. In those days, if you had dial up, some sites would bump you off line and then redial a number in bangledesh or someplace like that. My son would get up in the middle of the night and access his mothers computer. He ran up a $12,000 phone bill. I would say its important to have the talk and let them know what is going on.

These days, she's likely to BE a teacher at his school.

My parents never had the talk with my brothers and me, and we turned out fine.

Then again, your mileage may vary. I don't think Travis Henry was ever told that sex results in pregnancy and look what happened there.

I don't think he's ever figured it out.

Oh shut it! :cuss:

I fully understand young boys are going to look at porn and there isn't a whole lot that I can do to stop it. He'll find a way because I know that I did and it's much easier to have access to it now.

Honestly, I want him to grow up understanding the correct way to treat women and the consequences of sex. He knows a little bit of the consequences because my wife & I had him at a very young at (me 21 / she 19). It took him a lot less time than I had hoped it would take him to figure out that he was born before we got married.

But, it is what it is. I wouldn't change the way things have happened in my life, but I hope that I can get him to understand (as he gets older) that the consequences of having sex can alter your entire life - as they did for my wife & I.

If he's already looking, I think there are things you can and should talk about.

Maybe not the birds and the bees so much as letting him know that Porn isn't reality. Let him know that because he might see Ed Powers punching a woman in the A-hole, or facials and all of that, that he isn't likely to find that reality. His prom date isn't likely going to want him to poop on her chest and then go ATM.

As the father of daughters, I hope you'd also include a discussion about treating girls in his life with respect, in addition to making sure he doesn't have a baby until he's ready, or herpes by the 9th grade.

Uh Eddie... If u turned out just fine. Don't you think you're not a good example to use? Just keep it real with him to keep things simple. Tellem there's consequences but don't tellem u had him too young.

look, i'm sure you're good intentioned and what not. but the last thing we need is irrational thought in a totally logical situation.

sex is a very easy subject to talk about. it's very basic on both a biological level and an emotional level. there's no reason to introduce abstract ideas such as God's love and "what it means to be God's creation". it just muddys the waters.

the last thing I want is my child learning about sex and how it relates to some abstract religious world view.

people have sex. my child will have sex. will he have it for the first time when he's 15, or 25? who knows. but what he needs is a thorough understanding of the physical and emotional consequences of the act.

he needs to know that teenage girls (at to a lesser extent, teenage boys) are very emotional creatures, and that when you have sex with a girl, especially if it's her first time, she's never going to leave you alone. ever. you're always going to be connected on that level. and that can be a very difficult situation to get out of.

the emotionality of it all is crazy enough without injecting any religious or moral overtones in to the situation.

When the oldest son was 13 or 14, my wife told me one day that she'd found a dirty magazine in his room and asked "what should we do?"

I thought for about a half second and asked her "was it pictures of girls?"

She, "yes"

Then I said, "Be happy he's looking at girls." That's about the best we could hope for I suppose.

We didn't confront him about it.

I want him to learn from what I've done. Like I said, I wouldn't change it - because of it I have him, his two brothers, his little sister, and my lovely wife. But I want him to have his time growing up that I didn't get.

As opposed to looking at what? Farm animals?