If you knew the time was coming, would you give things to people you want to have
 

while you still could, or would you leave a letter detailing who should get what?

wouldn't it mean more when still able to visit about said things?


Just curious...

what would you do...


How would you feel if you were a receivee?

Yes, because it leaves no argument of your intentions.

:(

This.

Either way works, I guess. But like TrebMaxx said, if you do it beforehand, there are no questions/fights. My dad did that with my brother me. He gave us each 2 of his guns.

I think its what makes you feel better.

Hang in there. Your a fighter.

I plan on doing mine while I can vs waiting and having everyone fight over the stuff I leave behind.
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hubby doesn't even want to discuss it

I think It would have more meaning if I did it in person. Maybe tell them the special meaning or thought behind it.

We only have one child so really I wouldnt' anticipate much fighting, but I am conflicted as to how those receiving stuff would feel

Yes, I have enemys that need loads of boar jizz and I want to see it.

depends on who and what

some things would have a personal touch and message ... some things and just "things"

One of my friends' dad did this, he all of a sudden started trying to give something to me every time I visited them. At first it was various tools and equipment, and he said it was because he was getting too old to use the stuff, which made sense to me and I didn't think much of it. Then it changed to household items, which I thought was odd but I didn't question it too much. It wasn't too long after that his health started to decline rapidly, and he passed away.

I later found out that he had been doing this to everyone he knew, he must have known his time was coming and there were certain things he wanted certain people to have, which bothered me a bit because I declined several things he offered. If I had known at the time what he was doing I would've just taken them. It's kind of weird in retrospect, because I have no idea why he specifically wanted me to have some of the stuff he gave me.

Damn... :(

so you would have taken them just because of the situaiton?

I don't want it to be morbid or anything like that. My daughter knows she gets my jewelry but other things, I just want to share or remember special times. I do not want crying or pity tho...I want to be positive and leave lasting memories

Go with what you feel in your heart and by the way your relationships are. It wouldn't hurt to do it both ways. The personal way would mean more I think. Just keep fighting and do what makes you feel good.

Yeah, I would have if I had known that he had thought of me when he decided to give away a particular item. It never registered to me what he was doing, I assumed he was just trying to get rid of stuff he didn't want anymore for whatever reason.

This.
I wouldn't give random stuff to people just to do it but items that mean something to you or them would mean more if you gave it to them in person.
You hang in there hon.
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Do you have a will? I would say it's good to give what you can, but a will & testament will cover whatever you miss. As for how the receiver will feel, I think that depends on who they are. If they know your situation and your intentions, then I would think they wouldn't think it was morbid at all. That's just my opinion though. There are a lot of people who probably wouldn't accept it given the circumstances (like maybe they don't want to accept that you won't always be there). In those instances, it's good to have a will. Generally, even if people contest it, unless you weren't of age or of sound mind, or if it was not executed properly, then the court will do what it says. A person's last wishes are serious business.

Give the personal approach a try and see how it goes. It's your life.

I'm really saddened to hear things are moving to this stage. Your dignity is a model for us all, Pam. Thanks for sharing this part of your life with us.

I'd give them all of your threads. That way you're not really out anything of value.

I just want to give some personal things to my family and some of my friends. I want them to know why I think they will be "good stewards" of said things. Why they mean what they do. That sort of stuff.

my clothes, CD's all that stuff, my kid and hubby can figure out that...

My husband wants nothing do do with these kinds of conversations but I feel I need to...Makes it hard sometimes.

Hubby thinks if he sticks his head in the sand it will go away.

I NEED to plan things (reverse nesting I guess) to help ease my mind.

For instance: in our home town, Cemetary plots are 200 dollars each in ICT they are 1500

Hubby says he will deal with it when needed and he won't need it for 50 years.

Yes, I would want to give away some very personal items while I could still try to tell the recipient why I want them to have them and answer any questions they might have.

I'd also schedule my own wake for a time that I'd still be around to enjoy it with the people I love.

Would you invite some of us to the celebration ?

A great big party would be cool

You bringing bacon?

This... :(

:( x eleventybillion

Absolutely. I don't want to leave anything behind. I want to spend it all or give it all away while I'm still alive.

It's ok Pam I'm at that stage also,I give everything to my 3 kids and let my Mom sort it out :( They all know how I feel about my critters and I have no doubt they will do the right thing.

I wonder if it would help to approach your husband from this angle:

=Let him know that you understand it's very hard to talk about/think about.
=Tell him that talking about this issue will clear your mind and allow you to face what you're facing as best as you can...almost as if you need to address this in order to feel better.
=He could be in denial...or he could understand but wants to be strong for your family.

Just a few thoughts.

I would give my special items to those who I thought should have them. However, being the receivee would make me sad (at first).
Do what you think's best. That way you can't go wrong.

I don't post very often but I have been a member of the board for a long time and was lurking long before that. I have never attended any of the CP events nor have I met any of the Planeteers. However, I have come to know some people through their threads.

I have read many of your posts and have to say that this thread says a lot about you. The mere fact that you are thinking about others shows how tremendous you are as a person.

My guess is that you are a treasure to those around you and that you have already given them the most valuable and precious thing they could ever want.....you!

Everything else is just things but are a way to remember someone. I always pray with my daughter for an opportunity to be a blessing to someone else.

In my opinion, if there is something of sentimental value that you wish for someone to have then I would give it to them in advance. The reason would be that if someone was in that position and felt strongly enough about me as a person to give it to me then I would be grateful for the opportunity to reciprocate and express to them how they have impacted my life and how thankful I would be that they were thinking about me at such a time. I would be upset if I didn't get that opportunity.

I think some people would be a little uneasy at first to accept it; however, giving them the opportunity to express themselves at a time when they think they won't get it will add to your legacy and further increase the impact you would have on someones life. Not that it is necessary.

I hope this doesn't come across as useless babble.....

God Bless!

Brenton

Great post.
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Wow Noswad after reading that it truly makes me feel like a total douchebag for taking life for granted most of the time. Best wishes.

This thread is really ****ing depressing.

This. Do what makes you happy.

In all likelihood, they'll feel awkward and they'll be in denial to some degree, not wanting to think about what's really happening. But if you feel this way, you should do it in person because it makes you happier and because in the long run it will give them a more personal memory to cherish.

Ugh.....this thread makes me depressed.

Do what you feel is best for you. Personally, I'd like the opportunity to sit down with each individual person and explain why I am giving them a particular item and why I want them to have it.

Pam,
Yes, it's a good thing to do. But if there are jealous family members, you get to see, hear them fight, etc. That part is ugly, it's sad but there are time this happens. Sometimes that happens after a person is gone, so take your pick.

I'm sadden to hear that you have gotten this far, I too feel your pain with Carrie. She is still holding on, but for how long, I don't know.She heads back to the doctors today at 3:30, they are amazed that she not only lived past the 19 months, but the 6 year law of averages when once diagnosed with her disease.She has lived life her way, done things her way without regard of what she want to do, like the song, Live life like you are dying. We Have been making arraignments for her, she wants all things done and settled before her time. With 4 kids & 9 grand kids, she is leaving a lot of certain things for each child.

Take care and May God Bless You, You have our thoughts and prayers.

We are feeling this effect on a few of the kids ........ the youngest ones are too young to know.

Everyone should make out a detailed will as early as possible, even if you aren't sick. The amount of quabbling and other bad feelings that may result from arguing over items will be greatly minimized. Just make one for everyone else's sake.

I would actually create a highly-complex puzzle that no single person who knew me can solve entirely on their own; rather, several of them will have to work together in order to find my treasure...and an extra part of themselves.

Please guys don't be depressed. I have come to terms with it. I beat the odds once, I am lucky.

Thank you for all the comments and advice

:(

I think for something that has significance or emotional value definitely give it in person. For more everyday things I'm not as sure, it would tend to feel a bit like having to address what is going to happen everytime you give them something. There's no denying it, but it can be very emotionally draining to have to confront it. Sometimes it can be better to live life as normally as you can for as long as you can. Not sure if that makes sense.

If you beat them once you can beat them again, and I'm sure you have many that want more than anything for you to beat the odds. Maybe the best thing you can give them is comfort of knowing that your willing to fight the fight and that also reminds us the gift of life.

I have no idea how to pass on your material posessions or how it would make them feel to receive, and I've wondered this myself.

Oddsmakers are oddsmakers and not infallible by a looooong shot.

I hope you can and will keep fighting and enjoy your life.

When my grandad found out he had brain cancer, one day after doing some work over there he called me in. He had a very large family and I am the oldest grandson.

Basically, took me back to his room where his gun cabinet was kept, and we went through his guns, he told me where he got which one, his grandfather's shotgun, his rifles, the beretta he'd taken from a German in WWII(which was to go to my eldest uncle). We'd talked about them a few years earlier, mostly for curiosity and conversation.

Anyway, he said "pick one and take it home with you". I knew that his grandfather's shotgun had the most family history, but I already had a shotgun from my other great grandfather and wanted to share. I chose his .22 rifle, because I remember many times being with him shooting varmits or butcher hogs/cattle....Including the time I've shared here about being small and fetching a corn cob on request.

I felt like an asshole leaving. It didn't feel right taking it home but he insisted and after I said there were alot of others that might feel they should have it, he said that I was the one he wanted to have it. So I reluctantly did. Its' the only time I've never been happy heading home with a new gun. I felt almost ill, but at the same time, a very deep sense of pride.

It wasn't long that things went south and he wouldn't have been able to have that conversation. After he passed, I talked with my uncles about what he had told me, why my rifle had a broken trigger tip...and there was 1 gun for each of them to choose.

He said "this is to be shot, not kept in a museum" or something close to that.
I felt a tickle and couldn't help smiling after using it to shoot an opossum I'd caught in a trap last week and thought about my grandpa on the drive to work.

I guess I don't know if it helps. The conversation wasn't fun for me because of the reality of what I knew it meant, but I'm damn glad I spent 30 minutes having it. He knows that I'll do the best I can with the name he left for me, and I'll eventually give his rifle to my son.

When I was little, I was shown a photo of myself as a baby, with my dad, grandpa and great gp....I was told how special it was for 4 generations of men....I'd wanted that moment for my own, and my biggest disappointment with losing him is that he was a few months short of meeting my son, and taking that picture.

In short....Its' not the items that matter. Its' the reasons the people will remember them.

I don't think you can avoid the crying either way but if they are given something after you have passed, they'll already be upset and the gift then would equate more to fond remembrance as opposed to "I'm dying, please take this", which might bring both of you down. My wife has always told me, about our own children, that you have to deal with each of them differently and I think that is probably the case with each person in your situation. Some people you can do that with and others are better left for after.

You might consider a video that you narrate or a letter, a letter if you don't want to cry on them.

Your daughter, depending on her age, would probably cherish a video for the rest of her life and though it might make her cry each time she watches it, it will help her to hear your voice saying "I love you".

My father died when I was young and I cannot recall the sound of his voice, but I have a video that I taped during the holidays when I was a teen and on one scene of it I zoomed in on my grandpa and said "I love you" and he replied back "I love you too". Kills me every time, but in a good way.

dammit, just when I think I've got problems...you come around and give me a dose of perspective. sad to hear it's coming to this.

and to answer the question, I'd do whatever helps you have a sense of peace.

Yes, I would give people things. But I would also put it in writing. Your actions can greatly show your intentions, but a writing is legalistic, and also shows your intentions. Plus, perhaps you have already made promises, or have some will that you can't remember. I would just make sure to update the will or draft a new letter stating your intentions. It's better safe than having your relatives fighting over a lamp that you had allegedly promised, or written a letter about.

I have a written statement that indicates some of my items would go to specific people in the event of my death. I have written on the document my wish of the casket, donations, and things of that nature.

Are you doing Hospice, Pam, or heading down that road soon?

NOT doing Hospice yet.

God bless, and I truly hope the best for you and yours. I honestly can't begin to tell you what I would do in that situation. If I were your son or husband though, I think I would want to spend as much time as I could with you without having to think about the end.

I would want to get in as many great memories as I could, not dwell on the past or the future, but live in the moment while we were still together to make moments.

A little mushy, sorry.

I think very thoughtful letters to go with the specific items you are thinking of that would be kept unopened (and hidden) until god finally calls you up (hopefully a long long time away).

Try not to dwell on it. I know I would want my loved ones to fight to the very last breath and to spend as much time with me as possible, and overall to be positive and as happy as possible. I can't imagine how hard that would be, but I am sure that is what your family really wants.

Letters would be the most cherished possession you could leave. Maybe also a diary for your daughter and future grandchildren (or current grandchildren, I don't know your family.)

God bless, and fight the good fight.

I like the letters and definitely a video tape. I WISH I could plug in a tape of my daddy and just hear his voice once in a while.