Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female
 

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

well I'll tell you one thing...

she's going to be super embarrassed when she finds out you know "how far she's been"...and she's going to be really angry you invaded her personal space...

but shit...13? I still think that's your right. 15? You might need to step back a little and make your wife have "the talk"...

13?

Yikes man...I don't know. Tough situation...glad I'm not a parent.

First serious comment out of the way...

Just do what parents do when they catch their kid smoking. They go buy a pack and make them smoke the whole thing. In your case...........

Take the phone away from her for 2 weeks and have her talk with her mother about how far she's been and her grinding on someone at a dance.

The last thing you want to do is overreact to her budding sexuality. Have a conversation with the wife, then have a conversation with the kid. Time without the phone is likely warranted but flat shutting it down will only make her not want to talk you guys about sex in the future.

No way I'd wait until 15 to have "the talk." She's already frenching guys and talking about her cup size.

I'd let your wife handle it. She made the bed, now she has to lie in it.

You need to have a conversation with Chris Hanson. Seriously. If she acts like this at 13 ****ing years old, you might have a problem. Of course, it could also be her "exaggerating" things in a way to make herself appear more attractive.

We've had the talk years ago. I know it's normal part of growing up but damn that's my lil girl. I've hard it before but now it's hitting home. I'm really lost at what to do. I do know I'm about 80% sure I wanna cut the phone line. Unless wife deems it justifiable.

My dad made my brother eat a cigarette. I'm not continuing where you were going with the thought though...lol.

So what is the issue? The boy or the phone?

I can think of a lot of good reasons for a 13 year old to have a phone, mainly that she is always a call away, so no good reason for you to not know where she is and whats she's doing.

As for the boy... first you'd have to tell her you went through her phone which could be a whole other can of worms. The "how far she's been" sounds about right for her age, but it may be a good time to drive home your morals and remind her of the dangers of promiscuity.

Maybe something like increased monitoring of phone usage, taking the phone away for awhile.

We're very open (prolly too open) so it's not embarrassing for her to have to discuss it. Wifey found out the where/how she's doing things with.

How old is the boy?

Turning the phone off is going to do nothing for her except exacerbate the problem, however, I think there are a few effective ways to respond to the issue.

I think one thing you can do is take away her phone until her chores are completely done. Remind her that you're paying completely for the phone and she needs to do her share to earn it.

About the guy, things can get bad fast if she ever decided to send pictures of herself. There, you need to explain that anything she tells/shows the guy can be saved by that guy, and if the two ever get in a fight, he can show all of his friends and then they could show anyone in the area. Tell her that if she is going to use the phone you bought to have a relationship, then she needs to at least be honest with you about the relationship. Tell her that you don't want to know the details, just that you want to know the guy that's dating your daughter.

And..That's the best I got, I"m an eighteen year old guy, and these strategies seemed to work pretty well for my parents and I.

Yes because this is exactly what marriage is all about. Rubbing the other person's face in mistakes.

By all means wut, take marriage and parenting advice from Wendler.

Don't you think it would be a bit awkward for her to have a talk like that with her? You'd make her feel like daddy's little girl(which isn't a bad thing). If I were in your shoes, I'd have your wife talk with her about what she's been doing. If I were you, I'd talk about the discipline.

It's funny... because I know there's little we can do, but how do you tell someone that's curious to wait? The phone is just so NOT needed. and I don't really want to know when she's having sex. I mean, it'd be nice to know but for some reason. I'd rather not know at that age.

I'd just rather prevent it from happening as much as I can. My main issue with her though will get her confidence up about trying to impress boys. Might be talking to a deaf ear at the time but I gotta get it out.

Antifreeze. You guys are slipping.
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I agree with his comment on the things can get bad really fast if things goes bad. Especially with photos. Those things can find their way into the internet, and they are stuck there forever. Those things can be damning to her, especially if she is going to be able to get a real job at some point.

Don't want details? Dating? She's 13!

If you want to get rid of the cell phone, just tell her that, for no real reason at all, you decided to go through her phone and look at the conversations she's been having. She'll never use it again.

13 is about par for the course.
I got my first tongue around 13-15 range (in front of the church).
What planet you on?

I bet she would be more receptive if it came from her mom.

If it comes from dad it's just gonna be "Dad is being a bastard again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever!"

It may mean more to her now.

And I don't mean the "bolt goes in the nut" talk.

I mean the "getting pregnant or a disease at 14 will f'ing destroy every part of your life that you currently enjoy".

I wouldn't grill her about her grinding and french kissing. That's normal behavior for many at that age. Plus, she could be lying to impress him. If you brought it up, she'd likely feel awkward and really pissed off at you.

Disclaimer: not a parent.

I remember when I was 13, there were rumors about 2 people having sex. And the guy involved said he had sex with the gal, but the gal denied it.

Show Cassel's throwing motion and tell her this is what happens when you have sex too young. Have barf bags ready

She lives under our home. We pay the phone bill. So she has no privacy. We don't play the... "her space" game here.

wutamess, you are paying for the phone, correct?

Edit: Since you answered jsp's question, then I think you need to let her know that, "I'll give you one more chance. If I ask you to do something, please do it. I pay the phone for you, so it's fair for me to have you to do the chores that I have asked you. If you chose not to do what I have asked you to do, then I will have no choice but to disable the phone."

Let her know that you are paying the phone for her. She needs to realize that you are helping her, but she needs to hold up her end of the deal.

This. I'd be more concerned if she sent any pictures of herself to the boy.

I assume they're all the same age. She's in 8th so I assume he's 8th grade as their conversation involved other classmates.

You get transfered to Brazil and build a hut in the jungle...

This is why I will never have kids. I must be way out of touch with reality. Yes, I had kissed a boy by 13, but talking about my cup size? Dating? 15 before either of those things happened.

LMAO! Ignored it soon as I seen it.

I know this isn't quite the same, but when my two cats start to get out and wander I spray them with lemon juice

Some people do the silliest things when they are kids. I mean, one time, I have drove 150 miles in a snowstorm to visit an old girlfriend (this was when I was in HS) that I loved.

Speaking of that, since you mentioned it, what's the cup size? ;)

Kidding.

What's the discipline? I did have my wife talk to her about it because I have no idea what a 13yo girl is thinking? But I feel the phone is an enabler. That's my only discipline tool.

How do you discipline someone for doing things that are natural?

You could always get her one of the cell phones that only allow for calls to pre-programmed numbers.

Mind your own business and stay out of your daughters IMO.

****.


I have this to look forward to in 10 years.


:facepalm:


Good Luck Wutamess. I have no advice to give. What I am about to tell you is the only thing that is an absolute:


Lover her without fault or judgement. There really isn't anything that matters but family when it comes down to it.

I think that's a good approach, in my opinion. She's probably watched 16 and Pregnant on MTV.

Pants has a lot of points but I'll prolly get the details when I take her to Vball practice this week or so.

I think it would depend on how much she admits to doing. If I were you, I'd take her phone away for two weeks minimum. Does she have a laptop or computer? Do you know is she used that all to send the pictures?

It's tough. My daughter is 20, so I've been through what you're going through. There are no easy answers. You are going to have to feel your way and make mistakes, watch her make mistakes, and hope everyone comes out in one piece a the other end of the meat grinder. Here is my advice after having a tougher road than most, but not as tough as some:

1. She's not an adult yet, but she is on her way. In 5 years (not very long) she will be 18 and legally an adult. That transition doesn't magically happen the day she turns 18. It happens every day, starting now. You are going to have to start thinking about her in different ways.

2. You can't control her. She is her own person and as the years go by, will be away from the eyes of you and your wife more and more. She is going to do what she is going to do.

3. If you are always snooping in on her, she is going to turn on you. If you go spying, you aren't going to like everything you see. I would give her space and privacy unless you think she is doing something "big". See below.

4. Focus on the big stuff. You and your wife have to decide what the big things are.

5. You and your wife absolutely have to be on the same page. Your daughter's game (she's already working it) is going to be divide and conquer. You might have to give some ground on a small issue to get your wife to be rock solid on a big issue. Once your wife agrees to a boundary, hold her to it (in private, not in front of the daughter).

6. Establish important boundaries and stick to them. Make sure your daughter knows what those boundaries are and what the consequences are for violating them. She'll test you, so you need to follow through. Make sure the consequences are something realistic that you can follow through on.

7. Pray for miracles. You'll need them.

Last year at the kitchen table over dinner. Had the nitty gritty talk. Even told her about some terms she didn't even know existed. But I'll drive the point home on this go round. I do feel another talk is warranted.

tell her to bring the little dude around for a BBQ or something so you get to meet him at least. Trying to stop teen girls from talking to boys? Might as well try stop time and tide.

So you think disabling the phone is too much? I tend to take these things out with a sledge hammer.

I get the whole "respect" thing, but have you made it crystal clear as to what the rules are when it comes to the phone? And as a parent of a 15 year old daughter, I can say with all confidence that if you drop the "YOU WILL NOT DO THIS UNDER MY ROOF, YOUNG LADY" bit on her, that she will find a way somehow to do just what it is you don't want her to do.

It's a juggling act to find the balance between being a protective parent and letting her have the freedom to come into her own.

Oh and kissing and grinding on a guy is as far as she's gone? Damn she's behind. Someone needs to show her a good time. Rams Fan, you're about her age...right?

I think disabling the phone would be too much. Taking it away for 2 weeks(minimum) should help her learn her lesson.

That's our motto. That's why I'm trying to keep her legs closed as ong as possible. I know it'll eventually happen but DAMN! WHY ME! NOOOOOO!

Become a Jehovah's Witness, and have the elders talk with her.

Yes she's watched them a ton before. I don't think she's having sex. I think she's only done what she texted him. She's still my goofy little girl though and I'm trying to keep it that way.

I will PM you in 10-14 years and ask for some advice. Be ready. :D



Godspeed.

Nope. You son of a.....

Oh, they've been skyping/video chatting. I don't think she did or would send provocative pics but I'll mention that too when we do talk.

If you figure it out let me know....seriously Mine turns 14 this month. All I know is doing the best I can.

Well, have you addressed simple ground rules on the phone? I mean, not like invading her privacy, but that she is aware of that you are paying for her phone, yes? Have you mentioned to your child that "I am giving you this phone, not because I have to, but I feel that you are more than responsble to have this phone. However, it's not a right, it's a privilege. We (you and your wife) are paying your phone bill for you, so for a fair trade off, if one of us asked you to do something, like the dishes or a simple chore, I believe you will be responsible to do those."

Have you addressed that, prior to giving her the phone?

That show is probably a parent's dream as far as TV goes. Unfortunately, that same channel shows Skins, which glorifies that kind of stuff.

I'd take away her laptop for a few weeks, too, depending on what she admits to doing.

This is what I need... We don't mind her turning on us (I say that now). But I don't want to give her the space where we'll be grandparents raising a grandchild in our 30's. In my mind I'm thinking be on her like flies to shit and when she's 18 let her loose.

Once she's 18 she's an adult and we've done our jobs as far as held up our end of the bargain in raising a good kid. Wifey and I have never had an issue with being together on things and always talk things through and out of site of the kiddos.
I have to go through this 3 more times ! UGH!

Just have her lurk here for awhile.


Search "MTG-10", "Hootie", or "GoChiefs" and let her read away.


She will be so horrified by what she reads that she won't even want to get close to the opposite sex for years to come.


Of course, there is always the chance that she might go lesbian if you over-expose her to their threads and posts, so be careful.

Wow, what a mess.

And that was my point in not getting the phone in the first place. Wifey liked it because it could be restricted, but my sister was fuggin McGyver and I know these kids nowadays will find ways around all restrictions. I was and still am under the thinking that she doesn't need a phone until she's driving and can pay for her own bill.

Think of a spring. Hold that spring down and then all of a sudden let it go, it will shoot off in a random direction. If you instead let go of it slowly, it will typically stay right where you want it to.

OKAY! ROFL

Why don't you buy her an old shitty phone that doesn't have web access or apps? The pre-flip phone era ones.
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That's another thing... I don't want to meet my daughter's BF's. I know I have to but that's weird. First lil fugger that comes around with their pants hanging around their knees I'm going to blow a gasket and embarrass her. Really not prepared for the next 5 years.

If you know any doc or cop buddies, have them take her on the tour of the E.R. that shit will scare her straight if she heard and saw some of the stories 1st hand that come out there concerning VD, rape, pregancy ect...

Just start buying her baggy turtle necks and overalls. That will clear shit up real fast.

No. It was more of a Xmas present. "No boys". Have fun.

Parental restrictions is your friend.

hmmm... Possibility. Thought about it when I bought that one but Sprint didn't have one without a camera, so I said fuggit!

Montel Williams just loves stories like this. I am sure he would probably let you on the show if you bring your daughter. :D

Seriously dude I think you are on the right track. At 13 she still needs you to be a dad and draw the line in the sand. I have a friend going through this with his 14 year old. The one thing I noticed that is different is the girls are WAY more aggressive than they were when we were kids.

She's not totally restricted. She goes everywhere she wants to go (except to the local teenie nightclub she's been wanting to go to forever). We just like keep it limited to friends, etc. She goes to party's, etc. But we have an idea where she's supposed to be.

Well then, that kinda ruins the leverage you have, other than that you are paying for it.

If I ever was going to give one for my kid, I would pretty much set simple ground rules. I would pretty much simply say that I am not going to invade their privacy, but more of their simple trade-off rules, like since if I am paying for it, I expect the person to at least do some simple chores that is being asked out of my child. Along with the lines that I am trusting that child that they would make good decisions on the phone.

So, yes, I think turning off the phone is a little overkill, UNLESS you happen to find incriminating evidence of her showing her private parts to the person in question. Texts are borderline, but I would be willing to overlook that, but photos? Boom, gonna kill it with a sledgehammer.

I think you and your wife need to re-establish the rules as far as that is concerned. Don't mention anything about that what you saw. That's history now. The fact is that she didn't do what you have asked her to do, I'd say take the phone away for a week, and give it back to her if she does do the chores. If she continues not to do what you have asked her to do, then I'd extend the punishment longer.

I think she needs to understand that you two are respecting her privacy, but that she needs to respect you guys, as far as being asked to do.

Time for a long, detailed conversation about sluts, pregnancy, and hysterectomies.

I would be glad to speak with her, Mr. wutamess, if you wish. I sure am glad I don't have daughters, though. I have spent a large portion of my entire life attempting to remove the undergarments of young ladies. The irony of having a daughter would be more than I could bear.

FAX

But that's just it! What's my fuggin line?
"Don't talk to boys?" That's kinda weak. Especially when we were all doing it around that age.

"Don't kiss boys?" Weak also.

What do I have to stand on... how to you "discipline that"?
By doing nothing though it sends the signal that it's ok and condone and she KNOW's we can't really do anything. We still have that "control/fear" aspect over her... looks like we're losing that so what do we do... just ride and hope that our teachings have been instilled and she'll make the right decisions.

Thing is... My pete peeve is a chick that put guys on fuggin pedestal and her trying to impress this guys show's that she's emotionally weak and that's what I really want to fix here. Thin is... other than showing her examples of idiots and family members, I have no idea what to do.

To everyone saying "take the phone away for X amount of weeks."

What would be your reasoning for taking it away without spilling the beans?

And speaking of boys issue, I think you are also, to a degree, restricting her ability to grow into an adult. I wouldn't restrict the boys thing, because then, how is she going to be able to find the one she really likes?

There are going to be moments that you may not like the fugger, but sometimes, kids are going to have to learn it the hard way.