Late Night Bullshit: God has now entered the forums.
 

Hello, Children.

This Is God.

I Figured It's Been About... 2,000 Years Or So Since I Last Bestowed You With My Wisdom Directly.

So. I Chose This Forum For My Next Bestowing.

Here's The Problem, Though: Being God Is Pretty Time Consuming, So I've Only Got Two Hours.

And I Didn't Want To Go Through The Hassle Of Creating My Own Username, Either. So The Actual Direckshun Is Running In A Celestial Mouse-Wheel, Totally Naked With A Ball Gag In His Mouth.

What's On Your Mind. Tell Me Your Praise, Your Sorrows, Give Me Your Questions.

You Get Two Hours To Shoot The Shit With God. Go.

Eat shit noob.

Hey Now.

I Specifically Commandeered The Username Of A Universally Respected And Beloved Poster Precisely To Avoid This Kind Of Hazing.

That Brings Me To My Next Point: I've Been Watching You People. You Should Really Treat Noobs Better.

Will the Chiefs win the Super Bowl?

Why do you make all of your followers live in trailers?

DC please

Someday, Child.

Someday.

Edit: Keep Praying, Though. That Sure Helps.

Edit Edit: THAT WAS SARCASTIC.

Blessed Are The Meek.

Also, Have You Seen Mobile Homes They Make Now? They're Pretty Awesome, And Much Cheaper.

There's No Reason To Mortgage Your Entire Net Worth Into A Brick-And-Mortar Home.

Sorry, Jewish Rabbi.

But Your Mods Work For Me.

Ah, so we're getting God version Job tonight. Sweet!

Do you mind if I bang this girl before I marry her?

Why did they cancel Freaks & Geeks after only one season?

Tell that to the folks that live in Tornado and hurricane states, God.

The Chiefs Are Not The "Job" Of The NFL.

The Chiefs Are The "Saul" Of The NFL.

I've Got Bigger Things To Worry About.

Get It? I'm Implying Your Penis Is Small.

Edit: Seriously, Though. Who Gives A Shit.

Because I Liked Seth Rogan Too Much For Him To Be Introduced On Talk Shows For A Generation As "The Lead From Freaks & Geeks."

Thine were being sarcastic. I was going to say God isn't sarcastic until i remembered Job.

I'll take that as a no. Thanks, o Lord!

Now for a bigger question: I'm taking this thread as proof that you actually exist, are a supreme being and created life as we know it, etc. This flies in the face of 31 years of intense theological study that convinced me otherwise.

Do you mind if I don't worship you? Because I really don't have time for it.

Fair Point.

Honestly I Barely Pay Attention To The Flyover States.

People Aaaaaaaaaaaalways Gotta Throw Job In My Face.

How About All The Good Shit I've Done? For Crying Out Loud.

But of course, you already knew that.

Pace yourself.

Can you some how make a legal buy one get one free hooker sale?

Seriously though - in reference to the Westboro Baptist folks.....what's wrong with your people, man?

Those aren't God's people...

I Don't Really Feel Like I Need To Be Worshipped, Honestly. Stopped Feeling That Way About 600 Years Or So Ago.

What's The Point? Seriously, I Get Almost Nothing Out Of It Anymore.

Can You Be Nicer, Though? Care About People Who Are Less Fortunate? Give More Of What You Have Away And Provide More For People Who Will Never Be Able To Return The Favor?

You Should Do Those Things. I Care More About That Than I Do How Many Times You Hit The Deck To Thank Me For Shit I Did A Million Years Ago.

.

Don't **** With Me, Man. This Is Not A Party Trick.

I Can, Yes.

I Have A Feeling That Is Not What You're Asking, However. But That Is What Your Grammar Implied You Were Saying.

Can we talk to Dog instead?

Those Are People That Worship Themselves.

As Usual, I'm Just Some Lame Excuse They Pulled Out Of Their Asses, Because If There's One Thing People Love, It's Feeling Superior To Other People.

Drives Me Up The Wall.

Can you microwave a burrito so hot, that even you cannot eat it?

I Don't Know Who That Is.

I Assume He's Less Interesting Than Me, Though.

Should I consider this a mild rebuke since You didn't use all caps?

With your Penis still inside?

You Know What, I've Never Tried!

I've Been Asked The Same Thing About Making Heavy Rocks.

The Answer Is, I Don't Know. I've Never Even Tried. Too Busy.

I'm Watching You, Man.

I Do Not Have A Penis. I'm Not A Biological Creature.

You can make the Earth in 6 days, but you are always busy? What takes up so much of your time?

I'm getting a few grey eyebrows and don't like them. So far my stylist has been able to eliminate them but I'd like a better solution.
Can you hook me up?

We ran Skip Towne off. Isn't that good enough?

BTW... can you tell us whatever came of that crusty piece of shit? Did he unintentionally self immolate in his 3rd house fire?

Great Question. People Are Always Under The Impression I'm Helping Planets Rotate Or Influencing Weather.

Sorry, Folks. I Created The Laws Of Physics A Loooong Time Ago. Those Things Are Taking Care Of The Tectonic Plates And Pretty Picnic Days And All That. So That's All On Auto-Pilot.

What I Do Varies From Planet To Planet, Galaxy To Galaxy, Universe To Universe.

As Far As You People Are Concerned, I Provide A Neverending Source Of Compassion That Is Constantly Available, And Ebbs and Flows As Your Own Individual Situations Demand. People Choose To Dig Into Those Reserves (Or More Frequently, Don't), But My Primary Pleasure Here Is Providing That Warmth So That You Can Take Advantage Of It Any Time You Want.

But You Gotta Keep In Mind How Much Real Estate I'm Running. The Multi-verse Is Pretty Big.

I Think You Look Nice.

He's Pretty Much Wasting His ChiefsPlanet Time On Another Equally Vast Waste Of His Effort.

I Like Skip. Hopefully He'll See The Light (GET IT!?!?) And Come Back.

Thanx but I don't like it.
Could I sacrifice a lamb or something?

Well, You're Wrong.

What, are you infallible or something?
Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Did you let Jesus get crucified because you didn't want to pay child support?

No Need To Apologize.

Just Age, Gracefully. Stop Worrying About Bullshit That Doesn't Matter Like Eyebrow Hair.

ROFL

Jesus Got Crucified Because He Was An Incredible Political Force On Behalf Of The Poor And The Needy In What You Know As The First Century, Common Era.

It Was A Choice He Made. He'd Rather Die And Help The Less Fortunate Than Live And Not Fight For Them.

Pretty Much The Embodiment Of What I Want Basically Everyone To Do.

How's that working out for you?

You are supposed to like everyone... big surprise that you like Skip.

Also... where the **** were you from 2001 - 2004? Some seriously heavy shit went down in my life, because of you no less, and you were nowhere to be found. In fact, I think this is the first real conversation we have had since I was a teenager... and don't give me any of this cosmic multi-verse bullshit. I left you hundreds of voice mails.

Praying CD doesn't get smitten...

Mixed Results.

I'm Not Supposed To Like Anybody. I Just Do. Big Difference.

You Gotta Understand I Can't/Won't/Don't Micromanage That Shit. I Have Basically No Interest In Doing That.

The Way You Need To Think Of It Is This: Everything That Happened To You Carved You Into The Person You Are Today. A Person With A Unique Capacity To Sprinkle Positive, Productive Guidance And Support To The People Around You, A Capacity That Cannot Be Duplicated, Ever.

So you will hand hold a bunch of assholes that turn on you every chance they (Isrealites) get but you turn your back on me because "you don't want to micromanage". You are everything I expected you to be post 2001.

I Didn't Hand Them Israel. There Is No Such Thing As Property Bestowed To You By The Lord. That's Such A Silly Notion, Yet A Ridiculous Percentage Of People Think I'm In The Business Of Carving Up Land For People I Like More Than Others.

I Also Never Turned My Back On You. I Like You Now. I Like What You're Capable Of. I Think You Can Really Run With It.

I'm talking about the ancient Isrealites. The ones you sent a stuttering idiot and his brother to go get out of Egypt.

Serious question, do you have to pass a pee test to get into heaven, because I frequently do recreational drugs and drink heavily. I also don't go to church, is that gonna keep me out of heaven or is being a decent person good enough?

Define Decent Person.

Seriously, Tell Me How You Define It.

And Yeah, Don't Give A Shit About The Other Stuff. But You Should Really Take Care Of Yourself -- Other People Who Like You Want You Around For A Long Time.

I'm Pretty Sure That Is Just An Old Testament Allegory. I Generally Am Not In The Business Of Picking People Over Other People In Matters Of Life And Death.

What does God need with a starship?

The book you "wrote" says in 2 Timothy 3:16.... "All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness".

So, either you actually did what the book of Exodus says you did since every word in that book came from you... or you are a big fat phony.

Seriously??? Not in the business of picking people over others? Christ man... the Isrealites killed Cananites, Philistines, and every other group of people you told them to because they preferred their own Gods over you.

Exodus 6:7 "I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt."

I am well versed in your story book and will tear your asshole from taint to coccyx with your own words.

The worst thing I do (outside of drinking and drugs) is argue about Alex Smith on Chiefsplanet. He's a good quarterback, why has thou forsaken him?

Good Question. I Don't.

Are you the God of Sha Ka Ree?

Scripture Of Almost All Religions Is "Inspired" By Me. But I'm Not Telling These People What To Write. Sometimes They Advocate Things I Flatly Don't Agree With. The Bible Isn't A Direct Interpretation Of My Wishes Any More Than The Quran Or The Talmud Are.

I Never Told Anybody To Kill Anybody. I Can't Stand That Shit. My General Rule Of Thumb Is Nobody Kill Anybody. But As Usual, Folks Will Coopt Me As Justification For Doing Things For Themselves.

As god-fearing men who hold the gold standard for christian leaders these days, did you like George W. Bush or Mitt Romney better?

That's Not Being A Decent Person. That's Not Being A Terrible Person.

Which Isn't Why You're Here.

He's 3-0. I'd Say He's Not Forsook.

Seriously, Though. I Could Give A Shit.

Well, Yeah. I'm Everybody's God.

That's How The God Thing Works.

I Like Them Both Tremendously, I Don't Even Know How I'd Choose. They Are Dear To Me.

So you didn't take credit for killing the entire population of the planet, save for 8 people, with a flood? You didn't torch Soddom and Gomorrah with salt? You didn't throw down 10 plagues on Egypt culminating in the death of every Egyptian firstborn son, then a whole bunch of them for chasing the Isrealites into the Red Sea? You didn't open up the ground and swallow up Korah and his followers for daring to oppose your spokesman Moses? You didn't kill a bunch of Isrealites for complaining about the Manna you sent and wanting meat instead?

Buillshit. And those are just the old testament examples. I am happy to continue with the New Testament examples if your memory is foggy. I could understand how you would forget... chances are that if you killed countless people here then you have like done the same all over your multi-verse.

I Did Not Do Those Things.

Here's A Pretty Good Rule Of Thumb: If You Read Something, And Go "Why The Hell Would A Benevolent God Do Something This Evil?," There's A Damn Good Chance I Didn't Do That Something. I Want People To Be Happy And Help Each Other, I Don't Ordain Them To Slaughter One Another Or Sprinkle Undue Blessings On Some That Others Won't Receive. That Doesn't Make A Lot Of Sense.

I Mean, Hell. Some Of Those Things Didn't Even Happen. There Was No Major Earth Flood That Killed Humanity, For Instance. And You Folks Know This -- There's No Archeological Evidence For It.

Those Things Are Crude Man-Made Allegories Designed To Promote Some Truth That Hopefully Makes Life Easier And More Benevolent. Some Of Those Succeed Greater Than Others.

Do you flick pain for your own pleasure?

So everything good the bible says you did... you did. Everything bad it says you did... you didn't. Gotcha.

I totally believe you. :shake: Really... I do! :shake:

I Don't Feel Physical Pain Or Physical Pleasure. I'm Not A Physical Entity.

I Didn't Do A Lot Of The "Good" Stuff, Either. The Stories Are Allegorical. They Are Lessons. Whether I Specifically Did Anything Is Less Important Than The Lessons The Stories Are Meant To Impart.

The bible says otherwise.

Well, The Bible Was Written By A Bunch Of Dudes Who Really Wanted Me To Exist In A Form That Was Conceivable To Them.

The Bible Is One Window Of Many That People Use To Understand The Type Of Entity I Am. But It Is Not Me.