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Late Night Bullshit: God has now entered the forums.
Hello, Children.
This Is God. I Figured It's Been About... 2,000 Years Or So Since I Last Bestowed You With My Wisdom Directly. So. I Chose This Forum For My Next Bestowing. Here's The Problem, Though: Being God Is Pretty Time Consuming, So I've Only Got Two Hours. And I Didn't Want To Go Through The Hassle Of Creating My Own Username, Either. So The Actual Direckshun Is Running In A Celestial Mouse-Wheel, Totally Naked With A Ball Gag In His Mouth. What's On Your Mind. Tell Me Your Praise, Your Sorrows, Give Me Your Questions. You Get Two Hours To Shoot The Shit With God. Go. |
Eat shit noob.
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I Specifically Commandeered The Username Of A Universally Respected And Beloved Poster Precisely To Avoid This Kind Of Hazing. That Brings Me To My Next Point: I've Been Watching You People. You Should Really Treat Noobs Better. |
Will the Chiefs win the Super Bowl?
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Why do you make all of your followers live in trailers?
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DC please
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Someday. Edit: Keep Praying, Though. That Sure Helps. Edit Edit: THAT WAS SARCASTIC. |
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Also, Have You Seen Mobile Homes They Make Now? They're Pretty Awesome, And Much Cheaper. There's No Reason To Mortgage Your Entire Net Worth Into A Brick-And-Mortar Home. |
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But Your Mods Work For Me. |
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Do you mind if I bang this girl before I marry her?
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Why did they cancel Freaks & Geeks after only one season?
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The Chiefs Are The "Saul" Of The NFL. |
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Get It? I'm Implying Your Penis Is Small. Edit: Seriously, Though. Who Gives A Shit. |
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Now for a bigger question: I'm taking this thread as proof that you actually exist, are a supreme being and created life as we know it, etc. This flies in the face of 31 years of intense theological study that convinced me otherwise. Do you mind if I don't worship you? Because I really don't have time for it. |
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Honestly I Barely Pay Attention To The Flyover States. |
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How About All The Good Shit I've Done? For Crying Out Loud. |
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Can you some how make a legal buy one get one free hooker sale?
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Seriously though - in reference to the Westboro Baptist folks.....what's wrong with your people, man?
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What's The Point? Seriously, I Get Almost Nothing Out Of It Anymore. Can You Be Nicer, Though? Care About People Who Are Less Fortunate? Give More Of What You Have Away And Provide More For People Who Will Never Be Able To Return The Favor? You Should Do Those Things. I Care More About That Than I Do How Many Times You Hit The Deck To Thank Me For Shit I Did A Million Years Ago. |
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I Have A Feeling That Is Not What You're Asking, However. But That Is What Your Grammar Implied You Were Saying. |
Can we talk to Dog instead?
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As Usual, I'm Just Some Lame Excuse They Pulled Out Of Their Asses, Because If There's One Thing People Love, It's Feeling Superior To Other People. Drives Me Up The Wall. |
Can you microwave a burrito so hot, that even you cannot eat it?
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I Assume He's Less Interesting Than Me, Though. |
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I've Been Asked The Same Thing About Making Heavy Rocks. The Answer Is, I Don't Know. I've Never Even Tried. Too Busy. |
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Can you hook me up? |
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BTW... can you tell us whatever came of that crusty piece of shit? Did he unintentionally self immolate in his 3rd house fire? |
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Sorry, Folks. I Created The Laws Of Physics A Loooong Time Ago. Those Things Are Taking Care Of The Tectonic Plates And Pretty Picnic Days And All That. So That's All On Auto-Pilot. What I Do Varies From Planet To Planet, Galaxy To Galaxy, Universe To Universe. As Far As You People Are Concerned, I Provide A Neverending Source Of Compassion That Is Constantly Available, And Ebbs and Flows As Your Own Individual Situations Demand. People Choose To Dig Into Those Reserves (Or More Frequently, Don't), But My Primary Pleasure Here Is Providing That Warmth So That You Can Take Advantage Of It Any Time You Want. But You Gotta Keep In Mind How Much Real Estate I'm Running. The Multi-verse Is Pretty Big. |
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I Like Skip. Hopefully He'll See The Light (GET IT!?!?) And Come Back. |
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Could I sacrifice a lamb or something? |
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Oh, yeah. Sorry. |
Did you let Jesus get crucified because you didn't want to pay child support?
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Just Age, Gracefully. Stop Worrying About Bullshit That Doesn't Matter Like Eyebrow Hair. |
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It Was A Choice He Made. He'd Rather Die And Help The Less Fortunate Than Live And Not Fight For Them. Pretty Much The Embodiment Of What I Want Basically Everyone To Do. |
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Also... where the **** were you from 2001 - 2004? Some seriously heavy shit went down in my life, because of you no less, and you were nowhere to be found. In fact, I think this is the first real conversation we have had since I was a teenager... and don't give me any of this cosmic multi-verse bullshit. I left you hundreds of voice mails. |
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The Way You Need To Think Of It Is This: Everything That Happened To You Carved You Into The Person You Are Today. A Person With A Unique Capacity To Sprinkle Positive, Productive Guidance And Support To The People Around You, A Capacity That Cannot Be Duplicated, Ever. |
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I Also Never Turned My Back On You. I Like You Now. I Like What You're Capable Of. I Think You Can Really Run With It. |
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Serious question, do you have to pass a pee test to get into heaven, because I frequently do recreational drugs and drink heavily. I also don't go to church, is that gonna keep me out of heaven or is being a decent person good enough?
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Seriously, Tell Me How You Define It. And Yeah, Don't Give A Shit About The Other Stuff. But You Should Really Take Care Of Yourself -- Other People Who Like You Want You Around For A Long Time. |
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What does God need with a starship?
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So, either you actually did what the book of Exodus says you did since every word in that book came from you... or you are a big fat phony. Seriously??? Not in the business of picking people over others? Christ man... the Isrealites killed Cananites, Philistines, and every other group of people you told them to because they preferred their own Gods over you. Exodus 6:7 "I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the LORD your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt." I am well versed in your story book and will tear your asshole from taint to coccyx with your own words. |
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I Never Told Anybody To Kill Anybody. I Can't Stand That Shit. My General Rule Of Thumb Is Nobody Kill Anybody. But As Usual, Folks Will Coopt Me As Justification For Doing Things For Themselves. |
As god-fearing men who hold the gold standard for christian leaders these days, did you like George W. Bush or Mitt Romney better?
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Which Isn't Why You're Here. Quote:
Seriously, Though. I Could Give A Shit. |
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That's How The God Thing Works. |
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Buillshit. And those are just the old testament examples. I am happy to continue with the New Testament examples if your memory is foggy. I could understand how you would forget... chances are that if you killed countless people here then you have like done the same all over your multi-verse. |
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Here's A Pretty Good Rule Of Thumb: If You Read Something, And Go "Why The Hell Would A Benevolent God Do Something This Evil?," There's A Damn Good Chance I Didn't Do That Something. I Want People To Be Happy And Help Each Other, I Don't Ordain Them To Slaughter One Another Or Sprinkle Undue Blessings On Some That Others Won't Receive. That Doesn't Make A Lot Of Sense. I Mean, Hell. Some Of Those Things Didn't Even Happen. There Was No Major Earth Flood That Killed Humanity, For Instance. And You Folks Know This -- There's No Archeological Evidence For It. Those Things Are Crude Man-Made Allegories Designed To Promote Some Truth That Hopefully Makes Life Easier And More Benevolent. Some Of Those Succeed Greater Than Others. |
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I totally believe you. :shake: Really... I do! :shake: |
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The Bible Is One Window Of Many That People Use To Understand The Type Of Entity I Am. But It Is Not Me. |
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