Hey Hootie!! I need some relationship advice!
 

Hoots, I'm going to lay out a situation. Tell me what you'd do.

It's been about 2.5 years since I've been laid. Basically because I don't care. Animals screw. It's just a base physical act that tends to complicate things in general. And I know. I've been laid plenty prior.

However, this past week, some of my co-workers and myself went out for some drinks to blow off some steam after a brutal couple of weeks and I proceeded to get pretty freaking drunk. Subsequently, I was told my no less than three girls that night that they had crushes on me. Probably something you don't want to tell a guy who hasn't been laid in two and a half years who's been drinking hard for four hours. Anyway, I now have naked pictures on my phone of four women (aged 19, 23, 38, 47) and I kinda made out that night with another one who is best friends with the 38 year old who is dating one of my good friends. (Who has subsequently asked me if I wanted to take her swimming while her boyfriend was at work.)

Also, I might or might not have had sex with the 23 year old in the back seat of a guys car who was the designated driver that night while he was driving us home.

So, what would you do in such a situation? I ask you because I'm looking for some solid, objective advice versus some horrible moralistic bullshit that I know I'm going to get from some of the other dudes around here. And it sounds like a situation you would have put yourself in at one time or another. Help me out bro.

First off, I delete the numbers to the 38 & 47 year old. I then proceed to bang the 19 & 23 year old non-stop until they get sick of my nonsense all the while leveraging these hookups in my back pocket while I go out and try and find upgrades to said hookups with the knowledge that if I fail I have two fallback crutches that'll come over in the matter of 1 text when I'm drunk

tl;dr

Congrats on the hot streak (what life is all about), don't **** it up ... Hot streaks are the best. Women come and go in droves

They into watersports?

Couldn't help it. Sorry man.

...And if you're dumb enough to want a girlfriend, either pick the hot one, or if they're both with a number of one another (like one is a 6 and the other is a 7), pick the one who will go to a bar with you, get wasted, and not be embarrassed when you yell profanities at Ned Yost in public for questionable bullpen management

I've had so much urine and blood on me over the years I think I'm immune to any disease, fungus, or sickness. I'm like the love cockroach.

If any of them have $.... That's your answer.

LMAO
You need to go to the CDC man. They'll name the retro-viral after you.

So.. tempted.. to make this your sig.... :D

Marry all 4 of them, duh.

Well he is in Utah..............

Yet I ask in a thread instead of a PM in attempt to humblebrag

Don't be jealous of the hot streak bro

Besides, we could be talking about a quartet of 4's here! You just don't know!

How do they feel about the offensive line and football players from Utah?

Oh and worthless without said pics.

Will need to see those naked pics before any advice can be given....

I'm surprised the scent of a vegan pussy didn't throw them off.

This is just ****ing weird, man.

Even I get laid once in 2.5 years.

Oh, hell, I'd be excited too. I just find it odd that he says he doesn't want anyone's advice but then starts a thread about it.

And how do you not get laid in 2 years? That should just happen by accident at a minimum.

http://cdn1.bloguin.com/thestudentse...kie-keeton.jpg

https://cdn0.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/J92...-8121544.0.jpg

http://blog.thenewstribune.com/seaha...ssellOkung.jpg

http://www.trbimg.com/img-50f77737/t...g-20130116/600

LMAO

Hootie's ween, btw

Flaccid and burning from the herp?

They now make condoms that change color if there is an STD present during intercourse. I say we use part of CPs donation for the server and buy him a few boxes. He can report back on how long it takes him to make a condom set that covers the colors of the rainbow.

You think I use condoms?

Herparrheaphlyis. And you can see the burning crabs jumping to their death, as well.

That's why I asked you specifically.

You're my boy Hootie.

Actually, before that I had a five year abstinence streak going. A similar thing happened and I hit a hot streak with dating three girls at the same time to bust that one.

It's just how it happens with me. Miles and miles of desert and then an oasis pops up that has unlimited Mai Tai's served by topless waitresses.

So, Hootie, why dump the older two of the four ladies? Both are pretty attractive. I'm sure you won't be able to bounce a dime off their ass like you can with the 19 and 23 year old, but shit man, as long as I'm slumpbusting I was thinking that I should just go for broke. I'm even thinking about banging my friends chick as well. Great cans.

I know, what was I thinking.

:facepalm:

God, I love the off season.

If Hootie ever banged a chick that posted on Chiefsplanet, I bet she said,"Peyton Manning sucks! Tom Brady is the best!" to get Hootie to go all in on her choking and forceful sex fetish.

Holy shit. How do you live through that? My girlfriedn holds off for a week and I go through withdrawals.

****. That. I would not trade 5 years (or 2.5, for that matter) to get ****ed by four chicks and then abstain again.

NO

Vegans are weird as ****

Sounds to me like you had a good night. Anybody hating on that is just hating to hate.

Now the real question is do you not remember banging the 23 year old in the back seat because it'd been 2.5 years and lasted about the same length of time it takes to unzip a zipper or because you were smashed?

Of course you do. That Boba Fett costume has to be a guarantee for pussy at Comi-con every year.

my worthless opinion, is **** THEM ALL
well start relationships with the young ones, play neeked twister with the older ones
and then go for getting any 2 adventurous one together for a 3 way
film the whole thing and then use the video proceeds to fund the planet

Can you say new server?

You really want to see a fat vegan ****ing an imaginary, whale of a woman?

Asking Hootie for relationship advice?

Am I the only person who sees through the fake PUA bullshit he plays at? He probably goes hunting for women dressed like Menuto.

HE's not your friend. Obviously.

If you consider him a friend, and make a conscious decision to bang his woman, you're a piece of shit. Get your own ass loser. Don't snipe it from people who trust you.

Solid take.

With this exception. Don't bang a buddy's girlfriend.

Apparently....I'm immune from venom....

I'm trying to decide if I want to acknowledge that actual sex happened - or not. Because the real terror started today in that I got the "overly friendly" text.

Man, I'm not sure I want to bang any of them now. I don't know if the momentary burst of euphoria is worth the whole "relationship" thing.

Hootie, I'm curious how I actually bang the living daylights out of them without any of them getting into girlfriend mode. And how do I parlay that into the drunk 1 text message guaranteed booty call?

I'm not fat.

I asked Hootie because I know that he's put himself, or, at the very least imagined himself, into such situations. I was looking for objective, experienced advice.

If I wanted to learn how to make a poll, I ask Rainman.

If I wanted to know the fat percentages of skim versus whole milk, I ask Milkman.

If I wanted to know the codpiece size of the seventh Stormtrooper on the left of the Emperor three rows deep in the Director's cut of The Empire Strikes Back, I ask GoChiefs.

If I wanted to know what to do with four skanks wanting me to bang them as a result of a single, drunken night of filth ridden debauchery, you are goddamn right I'm asking Hootie.

You go to the experts for expert advice.

I'm pretty sure that he'd make every attempt to bang whatever girl I would be dating, so I'm not sure that level of morality really applies in this particular situation. (Again, this is why I asked Hootie. I know that most guys would find such behavior appalling. Other, more "enlightened" individuals, would provide a more objective, analytic opinion on the situation.)

Again, I'm really starting to overthink the situation and I'm not really sure that banging any of them is a really good idea.

Perhaps I want to save myself and the experience for someone special.

Wrap it up and hit em all.

Actually this makes the most sense. If you aren't looking for a relationship, see if any of them will have sex with you at the same time. If they want to, they clearly just want to ****. If they don't want to, they clearly want a relationship.

Good call PGM.

Four chicks at the same time man

There is no such thing as clearly with women.

If there is anyone that can do it, it's a vegan.

No doubt....I'm married.

250 pounds of lean shredded mormon

A vegan Mormom? Are we already on a celestial planet?!?!

Depending on her looks, the 38yo would probably be a better screw.

That is a wide range of ages which makes me wonder..

Either you are loaded or good looking.

Or they are all ****ing ugly..

But go have fun, the more fun you have, the more other women want you..

Sounds like Big Love: The Early years

yeah, didn't get the cross thread humor till I ran across this jem.

If they're of the same relative hotness rank them by the order of most likely to be ok with casual ****.

Unless one is likely to be super crazy **** them all. Unless they all work together. Then **** the hottest one. Unless you don't care. Then **** them all.

Hoodie is giving you bad advice. Bang the old ones too. I've seen some damned fine women in their 30s and 40s.

I guess counting all the men that's packed your back door counts?

I sleep with a beautiful 41 year old every night. Doesn't get any better than that.

Do It DO IT!!!! LMAO

LMAO

LMAO

Hey Hootie - what's the best way to shut down the hot streak?

It's getting a little out of hand.

I just had one of the gay guys at work hand me his phone number yesterday. I'm not really gay, so it's not going to do me any good and it's getting a little weird.

Any help would be appreciated.

Just get your dick sucked dude. A mouth is a mouth.

This.

You sure you want to wait another 2.5 years just because the current mouth that desires your penis has hairy lips?

Take one for the team!!!! VIVA LA STREAK!

Did you show these bad bitches some of your mock drafts and online scouting reports? LMAO ROFL

You know how I get my women?

I show them a pic of my 11 inch cock. I mean, sure, it's hard to photograph the ****ing chicken because it's so quick but I manage. Most the women I show it to know their way around a kitchen.

" Well ladies, let me take you to a little place I call Draft Planet"

No Bufkin, I typically don't associate my on-line personae with my job personae. It's hard enough being a Prince of the Universe without throwing out draft theory to festering dickfaced noobs. (Trust me, I know.)

However, oddly enough, one of the women was apparently impressed by some inane ramblings I mused upon that night regarding Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks after I found that she was a fan of that team. She took offense that I called him an average dude with no upside greater than he's achieved right now and will most likely see a large decline in his overall production due to the modern age of free agency and salary cap, yadda, yadda, yadda. Something about a modern equivalent to Terry Bradshaw without the size advantage and a three year window for success...

Apparently that gets you an argument and then boob pics just minutes later that she took while in the ladies room.

Are you saying you are just sort of gay? NTTAWWT

Next time you're going through one of your cold streaks, just masturbate in a Chuck E. Cheese bathroom. I hear it's just as good as the real thing.