Gladiator 2018 - Round 1, Match 20 - Sofa King versus Iowanian
 

Vote for the person that you think would win this match in a battle to death or submission. As background, assume that prior to the tournament you received 10 minutes of training on every weapon. The time listed is the amount of time before the match where you learn what the weaponry and venue is. All participants are handed their weapons at t=0 unless stated otherwise.

Venue - Contestant 2 is at the top of an upward-moving escalator and Contestant 1 is at the bottom. The escalator is the only space in the venue.
Starting Distance - 54 feet

Sofa King

Main Weapon - Samurai sword
Backup Weapon - Taser (the touch kind, not the shooting kind) and steak knife

Prep Time - 22 seconds
Special Factors - None

Iowanian

Main Weapon - 2 boomerangs, one heavy and one bladed, and a handful of salt
Backup Weapon - BB gun with 50 BBs, each of which is coated with enough poison to slow a person down by 4 percentage points

Prep Time - 5 Minutes

Do the gladiators have to stay on the escalator itself, or are the stationary platforms top/bottom also part of the arena?

I'll wait to hear from the contestants.

I clicked the wrong guy but it's not gonna matter.

Iowanian is badly ****ed, IMO. Sofa King has the escalator moving up toward him and it's the only space to go so Iowanian can't back up and maintain distance. So with less than 20 yards of space between them, even uphill he's got maybe 5-6 seconds before Sofa is in sword range.

Knowing that, he can't even risk the BB gun. He's gotta whip both of those boomerangs in the first few seconds and hope for a kill shot. I suspect he is not a boomerang expert.

Iowanian is probably very dead, very quickly.

Methinks only 4 shots at the most from the BB gun prior to Sofa King reaching the top of the escalator (less if he walks/runs up) and I'll assume Sofa will close his eyes when the salt is thrown. I don't suspect 10 minutes is enough training time with a boomerang to be anywhere near adept at using it as a weapon.
Even though he has the disadvantage of having to swing upward the sword is the clear favorite. Sofa King with the victory.

Not that it will matter, but I believe you have them bassackward. The rules stipulate that as contestant #2 Iowanian is at the top.

Iowaian. He has a overwhelmingly powerful backup weapon.

I think Iowanian is the type that handles a BB gun very well. Sofa King HAS to move towards Iowanian if he hopes to have any shot at a kill. I think Iowanian can hit him at least 10 times before he gets with in range. By that time he is 40% disabled and Iowanian can finish him off with the bladed boomerang.

You are allowed the use of the small platform at the top, but not the bottom.

Iowanian gets skewered.

Iowanian's got the high ground and ranged advantage but the BB gun would just be a minor nuisance and the boomerangs aren't likely to be effective in a melee or even at range by someone who isn't trained.

+1

I had it right but I stated it poorly.

My point is that Iowanian is at the top and as an upward moving escalator, that means the escalator is coming in his direction.

So Sofa King's disadvantage of having to run uphill is mitigated by the fact that he'll have the escalator helping him do it.

Like I said - Iowanian gets 6 seconds tops before Sofa King is on his ass. If he has a brain in his head, he realizes this and scraps that BB gun altogether. There's just not enough time to get a couple shots off and then wind up that boomerange for a decent throw.

He needs to be standing there at the starting whistle with his feet set, arm cocked and boomerang in hand knowing full well that if the first throw misses, he's almost certainly ****ed.

It will. He is.

Unless he's firing from his hip, he ain't getting 10 shots off from a lever action BB gun in the time it takes to close fewer than 20 yards with the help of an escalator. And if he's firing from the hip, he connects maybe 3 times.

The BB gun is useless in this exchange. Aimed shots and he'll maybe get 4 off and if all 4 land, who cares? He's still gonna be dead before he gets a boomerang thrown.

C'mon - this one's easy.

If Iowanians Main weap was better I'd give it to him.

Iowanian gets off a couple of shots before Sofa King get near. Then he turns that bb gun around and just tees off on SK. Not sure SK can make much use of that sword being on the downhill side while also ducking the rifle butt.

Don't think the backup weapons come into play much unless SK can somehow get the taser onto Iowanian's leg in which case it is all over.

I am waiting for the Gladiators to chime in on this.
However I know Iowans are tough SOBS, resourceful ,and handsome to boot.

Like others, I think it comes down to whether Iowanian can use his ranged weapons to stop a charging Sofa King, or at least slow him down enough to make it an even hand to hand battle. I think the odds are against that given the short starting distance. I think the match is Sofa King's to lose.

MEXICAN WORD FOR THE DAY: SOFA KING


:cigar:



IT SOFA KING HOT OUT

Racist AND filter evasion.

Reported

What's the penchant for the BB guns?

I think the bladed boomerang becomes a close quarters weapon, but even then it's no match for the sword. The salt could help, but likely not. I just don't see a path to victory for Iowanian.

Wow, I win this one easy. The boomerangs are shit, not enough time for the BB gun and the salt is utterly worthless. I’m cutting his damn feet off on my way up and letting him tumble to death . I can be up those stairs in a heartbeat with my long athletic legs. Easy victory. My only regret is that Iowanian has to die. Also, I may rub his own salt in his ankle wounds and taser him before he dies. So I guess I don’t regret it at all.

Okay, so what if Iowanian just goes kamikazee. I've been looking at the escalator as being largely taken out by the initial positioning, but let's say that SK is running up that thing and Iowa just catches him flat footed and literally dives at him from the platform. Granted, the backup taser comes into play at that point, but any of us that have played football know that if you take a form tackle at speed to the chest, your marbles are scrambled for a second or so.

So at the whistle, Iowanian looks like he's gonna accept the charge and try to hit him on the run with the boomerang but instead he just crouches down and as soon as that sword comes back the dives into his chest and blasts them both down the stairs. At that point he has the close-quarters advantage with those little edged boomerangs vs. Sofa, who's now trapped between the rails on an escalator and presumably can't even get the sword drawn unless he ends up on top of Iowa.

That's his only path to the W, IMO. Gotta zig instead of zag there and catch him napping. Maybe if sofa runs up the escalator with the sword pointed forward like a bayonet charge he could kill that strategy and then go for a stab instead of a slice. I presume a samurai sword has a pointed end so he should still be okay. In either event, if Iowanian is committed to the strategy he'd still be a shitload of mass flying with that stair to push off of, so that's a ton of force. There's nothing SK could do to prevent getting blasted, he'd just have to hope that the impaling throws Iowanian off enough that he's able to get on top of him and administer the coup de gras...

You've got my vote. :clap:

I had to look up how to fight with boomerangs. I think Iowanian has a shot if he can plug away with a BB gun and perry the sword strike with the heavy boomerang and stab with the bladed one. It would all depend on how many shots he could get off with the BB gun.

I'm torn here. Largely I think the samurai sword has the advantage, but if there can't be much for footwork, the 2 boomerangs might have the advantage, IDK. Bottom line is if Sofa lands a blow with the sword its over. If Iowanian can effectively block or perry, then he can counterattack far more quickly.

This is a fun one to play out in my head.

SofaKing begins to unleash deadly 2 handed sword attack.
Iowa unleashes bee swarm from hidden pocket. Sofa King dies from anaphylactic shock.

This is another close one.


Iowanian has always struck me as scrappy. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a year or two of wrestling or some other self defense under his belt.


I actually seen a guy get a face full off Skoal fine cut to the face and it was pretty incapacitating so I'm guessing salt is worse.


Iowanian in a close one.

I wrestled for 14 years.

I've been tazered twice.

Once I was fooled into thinking it was a stud finder (get the joke?) and once by a police officer breaking up a fight over a girl many moons ago. No charges.

They are pretty incapacitating but only for a very short time after the initial shock.

Like I said this is a close one.

College? What weight?

Wow, that was a hard tie to break.

Son, i am disappoint at the lack of salesmanship from out contestants.

This is a metric ****ton of thought when it comes to watching a guy with a sword take on a guy with two boomerangs on an escalator, lol.

I’m too far ahead. He knows not to show his face in here.

He was down 4 when I started lobbying for him.

That's what zealous advocacy will do for ya, son...

I really think his best shot is to defend against the sword strike and counter.

Plus I think Iowanian could put a B.B. on his eye. Vote goes to iowanian.

Me too. I was hoping he’d be here to battle me.

Sorry I could t respond earlier, I was at boomerang class with chuck Norris

Simple simon..I wrestled 14 years too.....in the big leagues....Iowa. I wrestled terry ficking brands in freestyle when I was a sophomore. You wrestled fat reservation squaws....



I know at first glance you all think I'm a dead man....but know if I go I'll have one of sofas ears in my head as it bounces down the escalator(which reminds me of the story where I knocked a stack of plastic totes full of conference supplies down an escalator in front of 200 people).....


My weapons aren't ideal....you don't have to throw a boomerang.....I'm seeing two curved tomahawks. You've seen the Ghost in The Patriot?

Well....that's not my plan......I'm using more of a braveheart method vs charging Calvary. I don't have long poles to stab this donkey faced snow Mexican....so I'm charging and when he goes to swing high, I'm doing an up-down.......as I hit the ground while he swings over the top the escalator moves me past.....as he tries to turn I'm popping back up and swinging for the brain in the back of his head.


If he's too ninja like the guy with the Judy chops and chew cans on Jerry springer, I hope the goo from my body being splattered infects him with my mojo and gives him my lions roar in the next round.


If I win, I'm taking his credit card and doing some shopping before it gets shut off.

Donkey Faced Snow Mexican. ROFL

Oh yeah....I got a bob gun when I was six years old and spent my entire childhood shooting sparrows in barns and rabbits and grasshoppers.....I'll shoot your eye out, Ralphy.

Sofa beating high ground Iowanian ROFL

You had my vote until this. I think you start taunting a footless Iowanian and as you are bending down to hit him with the taser, he sticks that bladed boomerang in your jugular for the kill shot. If you had just finished him off it was an easy win, but you had to rub salt in the wound.

I already told you I’m taking your chicken legs out. You didn’t listen. And you don’t win, bitch.

I've never been on an up-down escalator that didn't have a waste high railing......


You must be huffing gas, anoexic rob ford.

You'll bounce That Jake and the neverland pirate sword off the railing right before I split your skull like Doyle Hargreaves ....mmmmhhmmmm

Anorexic Rob Ford. I almost pissed a little. ROFL

No mention if its a bb rifle or pistol weather gas or pump. If its a gas operated bb rifle sofa king is gonna be one drugged up slow moving sword swinger seeing quadruples. I think this one ends in Iowanian holding up the severed head by razor sharp Boomerang of the former king.

No way iowanian loses this

Those voting for Sofa King obviously aren't very familiar with Iowanian.

He could kick you ass with a chihuahua as his only weapon.

How many times do you think you could hit him before he got close enough that you had to throw the bladed boomerang. I think if you had more distance the play would be to hit him and try and take out 30-40% of his movement. That's 7-10 hits though.

At that point throw the salt to mess with his vision and chuck that bladed boomerang. I think in that scenario on an escalator you have a good chance of hitting a guy fighting to see with salt in his eyes and moving at 60% capacity.

Big issue remaining is that even a good shot with the bladed boomerang may very well not be a kill-shot. Then what?

Who says he will have to throw it? Once sofa king is goofy from the bbs Iowanian will sever his head with razor boomerang like it was a corn knife!

I envision that boomerang kid from Mad Max and Iowa slicing a limb off before sofa reaches the top

That salt Iowanian has is going to be used to enhance the flavor of a very dead Sofa King.

Iowans stick together, so he gets my vote.

Lmao. Lotta iffy bullshit coming from Iowa’s camp. It’s a shitty red Ryder B.B. gun, inaccurate and slow per Rain Man. And Iowa talks a mean game but that’s about it.

I wouldn’t throw the thing. The heavy one either. Just use it as a short sword. If he can use the heavy one to block/Perry he can counter with the sharp one quicker than a big sword can make another attack. Especially in confinement.

I don't even need to fire that red rider

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I just assume that Iowanian carries a swarm of trained attack bees with him wherever he goes plus I just believe he is a tougher SOB than Sofa King. I thought this would easily go to the man from Iowa.

By the way Iowanian, I was in Burlington, Iowa for four days this week. I asked around at the Catfish Bend Casino if anyone knew you. I got a lot of funny looks when I asked if anyone knew of a crazy, sarcastic beekeeper that goes by the name of Iowanian.

I actually voted for you. I don't think the distance is enough to get the poison dose strong enough.

Salt and boomerangs vs a taser and samurai sword, the strongest and mostly deadly sword of all time.

He'll shoot him with his BB gun! Then he'll throw salt in his eyes! Then he'll chop off his head with a boomerang!

Does Iowanian have 8 arms to do all this shit? They're moving closer to each other....he doesn't have time for all of that switching around. Sofa just has to charge with a sword. Boom....over.

Common sense!

Fake news.

I was going to feel a little bad about opening you up like a tauntaun but now...might save the salt for the wound.

I'm seeing a trend that there is not much action in these battles

You ever seen a fist fight? The vast majority of people can't fight for shit.

Now we're giving average Joes lethal weapons and saying fight to the death lol honestly, half of these combatants would be more of a danger to themselves than their opponent

A ****ing samurai sword? Sounds good. Except he's being shot at while attempting to run upstairs.

Realistically, run this simulation ten times, Sofa kills himself at least twice by slipping and becoming a kebab.

Depending on his confidence, he could be riding up in an orderly fashion with his non-weapon hand holding the rail.

In this exercise I can't help but visualize rainman as the guy on the hunger games with the skunk stripe hair.

He also has the Keyboard of Doom at his disposal

One simply doesn't vanquish Iowanian. Sacrilege!!!

Is it a Hattori Hanzo sword?

Because that matters here. Iowa has put forth a strong argument here. I didn't even consider that he can use the boomerangs like a tomahawk. And a Last of the Mohicans clip? That's a pretty strong visual reference.

And Iowa is apparently trained by Chuck Norris. I'm going to need more info, Sofa, before i cast my vote

Simply put, a samurai sword will cut through two shitty boomerangs like butter, and my range is much superior.

One simply doesn't vanquish Iowanian. Sacrilege!!!

Iowa should win, his secondary is too powerful with the slow and fifty shots. Say he lands 3 or 4 in the first exchange up the escalator. That slows him down by 12-16%. He can go off the escalator or back down. Being 10 percent slower alone is enough to evade blade attack. If attacked with taser then he would not have to run. Use the gun as a spear or use the bladed boomerang to slash the taser hand.

If he evades once he can add on some more shots to him, each time able to deal more as sofa is slower. Should get him to 35-40% slower. With that should be lethal. If he evades once more for fun the guy is a statue and game over.

You've done a great job promoting yourself - I think I should have done better in that regard, then I'd most likely still be alive and kickin'

Sofa King kills Iowanian. But then Iowanian gets back up. So Sofa King kills him again. Repeat three more times. Eventually the referee calls it a TKO. Sofa King moves on to the second round.

May my bowels evacuate abruptly onto any non friend who carries me from the field.