Gladiator 2018 - Round 2, Match 3 - wazu versus Pablo
 

Vote for the person that you think would win this match in a battle to death or submission. As background, assume that prior to the tournament you received 10 minutes of training on every weapon. The time listed is the amount of time before the match where you learn what the weaponry and venue is. All participants are handed their weapons at t=0 unless stated otherwise.

Venue - A flat plain, no trees for miles in any direction, during a raging violent thunderstorm
Starting Distance - 14494 feet

wazu

Main Weapon - Hatchet
Backup Weapon - Sling shot with 20 golf ball-size stones

Prep Time - 22 seconds
Special Factors - Your hands are handcuffed in front of you

Pablo

Main Weapon - A loop of piano wire with handles and a loud shrill whistle
Backup Weapon - The thigh bone of a large ape

Prep Time - 12 Minutes
Special Factors - None

Prep time is pretty much pointless considering they're almost 3 miles away from each other to start off.

Handcuffs or no, I'm going with the superior weapon. Hatchet beats thigh bone.

That's not really a fair contest. Why does Rain Man hate Pablo?

BONE OF A LARGE APE

They can use it to meditate and get themselves in the zone.

Have you ever been hit with the thigh bone of a large ape?

With the large ape still attached even.

Being apprehended by a police ape doesn't count. They're trained.

I'm sorry. I'm still too busy laughing at my post to concentrate on logic.

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The slingshot is useless with those handcuffs on. I'm still going with wazu though.

I can easily wield a hatchet with two hands. Once I land a hit, which I will, it’s over. Goodnight, sweet Pablo.

Pablo is going to get it in the wazu

Let's see. First things first. HIS HANDS ARE ****ING HANDCUFFED PEOPLE.

Go ahead and bind your wrists together and tell me the sort of range of motion you have vs. a guy who's got those sweet free swinging hands. So it's basically hand to hand combat once we find each other in a violent thunderstorm. It's gonna be wet, and slippery. How easy do you think it is to get back up off the ground when somebody is trying to bludgeon you to death and YOUR HANDS ARE ****ING HANDCUFFED IN FRONT OF YOU?

wazu, you aren't hitting me with the first swing and landing a killshot. Once we finally find each other, you're going to end up on your ass pretty quickly from nothing more than your own momentum and I'll cave your skull in with a 10 pound skull-caver-inner.

Sorry that YOUR HANDS ARE HANDCUFFED IN FRONT OF YOU, bud.

After hours and hours of looking for each in the violent thunderstorm, Pablo blows his shrill whistle to signal his foe his whereabouts. Little does he realize Wazu is ready to chop wood right behind him..

Winner WAZU

BONE OF A LARGE APE!

Picture a samurai attacking with a 2-handed sword. Do you really think putting handcuffs on him will make a difference? Now picture me doing just what the samurai does, only with a hatchet instead. You can club all you want with that stupid bone. My weapon has a blade and is made for splitting things in half.

Yes. Have you ever had a pair of handcuffs on you for any reason? They're designed to restrict movement. And they do. You need that movement to fight. And a samurai sword actually has reach. Your hatchet is what 18 inches long maybe at best?

It looks like the "thigh bone of a large ape" is only 15" long.

https://boneclones.com/product/gorilla-femur-SC-028-F

I guess you could be thinking "Man, if I had a samurai sword this dude would probably be dead already" as I mercilessly cave your skull in with the thigh bone of a large ape. Instead you've got a limited reach weapon with limited movement because YOUR HANDS ARE HANDCUFFED IN FRONT OF YOU.

At the end of the day, wazu has an interesting thin scar around his neck and a femur-shaped dent in his head, but Pablo's hatchet wounds are fatal. wazu moves to Round 3.

BONE OF A LARGE APE