Standing In For Mr. Gblowfish And Things.
To Whom It May Concern:
Mr. gblowfish sent me a message-thing in which he indicated that he would be late getting home after the big game. As a result, he handed off the ten-things baton to me and, although I slipped and fell when starting the second leg, I am making an effort to regain my feet and stumble through to the finish line.
Obviously, no one can replace the amazing Mr. gblowfish when it comes to things … or lists of things. As the originator and inventor of things, his role is irreplaceable, He has set standards that no mere mortal can reach and his star can never fade. Nonetheless, let's give this a shot, shall we?
To begin, I'd like to mention that I hesitate to blame officiating for wins and/or losses. On the other hand, it's hard to believe that Mahomes is forced to argue with the officials on the sideline over basic DPI calls downfield. Yet here we are. Kelce was mugged. And the “roughing” call after our pick was abysmal … any fair-minded person would agree. It was also a late call (post-INT, in my view) that reminded me of the late DPI call against the Steelers a few years ago. Apparently, the NFL is trying to beef up the publicity and merch sales in markets like LA and NY.
As for the Things … I didn’t count the things, so I don’t know how many there are. I am, after all, a novice layperson when it comes to things. Plus, I am terrible at analytics.
Coaching. During the first quarter, Sean McDermott (sp?) seemed pissed off a lot. He was prowling the sidelines like a caged animal. Meanwhile, Wally was cool until that bizarre OPI call on Josh Gordon. I thought they were going to have to call on the crash cart for Big Red after that debacle. Honestly, I thought Wally called a terrible game and the Bills had a far better plan. Wally tried to stretch the field horizontally without success. He tried to run the ball without success. Then he tried to throw the ball without our usual success. Even the screen game looked like a desert whore's vaginal discharge. Where, I muse, was the reverse? Perhaps he's keeping that in the bag for next week. Or maybe the Bills’ defensive speed made him think twice about it. (Or perhaps B. Enemy was put in charge.) Still, the play-calling left a lot to be desired. Is the Bills’ defense really that good? I think not.
Water: Since Mr. gblowfish is a historian, I thought I would mention this; as the rain began to fall, I had flashbacks of the 1998 game in Arrowhead against the Seahags. That was the Sunday Night game (which many Planeteers will recall) in which the Chiefs won 17 to 6. There was a delay in that game as well that produced the well-known, legendary photograph of the great Derrick Thomas sitting with his helmet between his cleats whilst enjoying a shower provided gratis by The Great Spirit. Even considering the lack of scoring, that was far more exciting than this slog. Remember when the Chiefs played defense?
On the subject of defense … what can one say? It's probably just me, but I thought Sorenson played like raw, pimply ass tonight. Another example of blatant missed tackles (in the backfield, no less) and busted-ass coverage that led to two (count 'em 2) big plays in the first half that accounted for the Bills' lead at the break. G-Rob and Uncle Bob would be proud. It isn't beyond the realm of possibility that Bran Vetch has attempted to throw a wrench into the NFL's machine by fielding the slowest defense in the history of the league. He and Spags have apparently collaborated in an effort to subvert our expectations to an extent heretofore considered unfathomable. At this point, Spags needs a spagging in the worst way and Vetch isn't far behind. The defense never allowed us to regain momentum.
Broadcast. I wish I had been at the game so I didn't have to listen to Chris Collinsworth (sp?) jabber on and on about how well the Bills defense was playing. I was forced to turn to tequila by the third quarter. In so doing, I invented a new drink I call the "F**k This." It combines Simply Apple apple juice, a splash of bitters, and a triple shot of Esponon. It does a body good when NFL announcers are causing uncontrollable tremors amongst their viewers. Plus, the problem with the broadcast is the inability to see the entire field. The NFL should really do something about that.
Rookie Defenders. Speaking of one's mental health being F'd up, Willy The Gay saw the field and apparently didn't know what to do as they were lining up to allow another 15-yard gain. You wouldn't think that opening the door to the first down marker wouldn't be that difficult. On the other hand, he did make a play or two in the second half and Bolton made some plays. That was encouraging. It’s simply amazing what some speed on defense can do in a football game.
Other newcomers. Josh Gordon made a play. A nice show of hands on a scramble/busted-play deal. Hopefully, this is merely the hor d'oeuvre and I'm looking forward to the entre. Meanwhile, Orlando is still getting beat by the speed rush and that, my friends, is very unfortunate.
Preparedness. I thought the Bills came to play with physicality and attitude whereas the Chiefs seemed tentative and uncertain. Sad to see. Mahomes appeared “off” all night. He seemed unsettled and our playmakers were basically shut down. Wally should have figured that out. Is it the player or the scheme? That, I think, is the Big Question. As much as I hate to admit it, I was prepared for a loss tonight. The Chiefs we have known for the last three years appear to have lost their way. Our current problems are insidious. The turnovers are killing us, the “methodical” approach to driving the field is methodically driving me insane, and I am running low on Esponon.
Animals. Since I don't have a cat to talk about (actually allergic), I feel compelled to mention that I shot a squirrel with a pellet gun this morning. I didn't mean to kill the little bastard, I just wanted to frighten him away from the bird feeder. Unfortunately for the squirrel and his family, I seem to have caught him square in the soft part of his little squirrel skull and he dropped like an X-Factor. I must admit that I felt bad about it. Perhaps I should go back to pitching Fruit Wheats and leave the deadly weaponry on the shelf. As far as I know, no squirrel has ever died from a Fruit Wheat assault.
AFCW. The Chargers won. The Chiefs are now cellar-dwellers. Disgusting. Wally needs to stop focusing on the “fun” trick plays and start working on means and methods to beat outside man coverage under a cover two shell. Flat passes aren’t going to cut it. Oh … and the officials need to call holding on Kelce on practically every play since it’s in the rule book and all.
CEH. Sad to see him go down. That was a tough game for the little dude.
Summary. I couldn’t watch the end of the game. Just couldn’t do it. I asked the beautiful and witty Mrs. FAX to kill the feed after the fumbled snap play. After all, a man can only take so much. I’m not a person who believes in the joyous power of revenge or retaliation, but at this point, I’d like to see how much pain Spags and Vetch can endure. IMHO, an enthusiastic flogging is in order.
On to the WTFs. Maybe we can turn this thing around before Halloween.
Thanks for the challenge, Mr. gblowfish (this is harder than it looks). I hope you have a restful evening and remember ... there's always another game and another opportunity awaiting.
FAX
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