Mansionmania Tournament: Round 1, Heat 11
 

Mansionmania continues. I'm going to show you the most expensive homes in every state and a few territories, with a few extras thrown in from the largest states to get the tourney up to 64. It'll be a single-elimination tournament.

You will choose among each pair of houses with the following assumptions:

• The purchase price for you is $0.
• All maintenance, utilities, property taxes, and cleaning is included.
• You must live in the home for the rest of your life.
• You can't travel more than 100 miles from home (via google maps drive time) other than 1 two-week vacation each year.
• You get $250,000 per year as a living allowance
• You get an additional living allowance at the cheaper home, which will be valued at 1% of any cost difference annually. I will note this amount in the poll.
• You get the furnishings. If unfurnished, you get an allowance that will give you mid-grade furniture in every room.
• You get any vehicles in the garage. But only the garage - nothing parked outside.

I encourage you to click on the maps in the listings to see the general location and neighborhood.

Also, I will only enter contestants if they have a sufficient number of photos to judge, as determined by me.

Your entries in this heat are:


District of Columbia:

https://www.realtor.com/realestatean...8_M50379-76631

Missouri:

https://www.realtor.com/realestatean...5_M70579-02384

This whole exercise has reminded me that there are very few places in which I’d ever want to live.

I'm not gonna lie - I kinda hate that DC house.

But holy hell, that might be the coolest location we've had thus far. You're right next to the Naval Observatory and sandwiched in between a dozen genuine embassies.

I far prefer that Missouri house. Better home, better property. It's a really nice place.

But I can't get over how neat that location is for the DC house and my annual stipend should give me enough to take care of some of the interior design choices that are...uh...iffy.

It's just so damn unique. Gotta go with the DC house.

This is an interesting one.

DC house - Man, that's a jewel box of a home. Check out the plasterwork on the ceiling. That is a home that is worthy of my dignified presence. It's in suburban DC if there is such a thing, and it's a great location to see a bunch of cool museums and exhibits. The downside is that the bedrooms seem to be furnished from a secondhand store, so I'd have to upgrade with my stipend, which will cost some money. But that's not a big deal at all. The home is also clearly meant to be more of an entertaining space than a home, and it's a bit formal. But I could deal with that. DC location? Eh, I'm not an East Coast guy, but I could deal with DC in that house.

Missouri - Damn horses again. But I digress. You have to start with the pool, which is pretty impressive. I think it may even have one of those beach entrances where you just wade in, and I've always thought those were cool. I like the indoor basketball court even though I don't know what I'd do with it. It's on 20 acres, which is nice, and the public parts of the house are a nice style. At 20,000+ square feet, I have room to stretch my legs. The downside: suburban St. Louis is not where I want to spend the rest of my life, and that's a big deal. St. Louis has bad mojo for me, and I don't want to make Cracker Barrel my night out. The house is so big that it's got some silly stuff like the bowling alley and two separate weight rooms, so the architect clearly just ran out of ideas. And is that an American ninja setup and mini-ferris wheel in Picture 44?

I fully expect Missouri to win this in a landslide, and that house will compete well, but I'm going with DC. That's too much pomp and circumstance to pass up, and I can while away my days in DC pretty happily.

If I wanted to hold royal balls and pretend I'm president I'd go D.C. But I don't. The Missouri house looks like an infinitely more fun place to live day to day. The D.C. house looks like something you should wear a tuxedo in at all times, along with top hat and monocle.

Right?!?

I mean I presume the purchase of the home comes with a lifetime pass to every snootie insider party and dark smoke-filled room in town.

I would have the theme from the Air Force One soundtrack playing in every room in the house every time I walk in.

I'd change my name to Jack Ryan and just feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof. It's just friggen cool.

I'm learning a few things here.

1. Once a house gets to a certain size, features no longer matter. It's more about aesthetic.

2. When you can get a house that has every conceivable feature, the location really becomes the differentiating factor.

I figure they'd all come to you and ask to hold their insider parties at your place. So you'd have to be invited.

It would be cool to have a house like that just so that you can invite people over for your fantasy football draft and watch their jaws drop.

I'd probably dress like George Washington every day.

After 2-3 years of living there I would have absolutely convinced myself that I could legally have people killed.

I might even be right.

I would definitely learn to play the fife.

Or maybe just hire someone to follow me around with said fife playing jaunty marching tunes for me.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure that dozens or hundreds of authorized hits have been approved from that library.

How does one realistically eat nachos in pajamas while watching football in a house like that DC one?

NO DC for me. DC makes KC look like a kindergarten by comparison in crime. Cides, I like the land...

Both of these places are ****ing weird.

I would go less crazy in Missouri

If you vote for Missouri, just know that DJ's Left Nut and I may order a hit on you, and it'll be fully legal. The time to worry is when you hear fife music.

Naked.

If I were a few decades older, I'd pick the DC house.

By having power hungry interns feed them to you.

The Missouri house is the first I think that has everything I’d expect that normal million dollar house doesn’t have such as a basketball court, bowling, large movie theater, and huge pool slides, as well as the land, and overall interior space.

The feel of that DC house basically requires staff - kitchen, laundry, groundskeeping, valet, someone to announce arrivals in the reception hall. Gonna be challenging with that small of a stipend, but you're living like royalty.

Do the horses come with the MO house since they are pictured inside the barn? That could be a big negative.

That's a really good question.

Let's go with the assumption that you can negotiate to keep them or have the previous owners take them, whichever you prefer.

My general rule will be that I will not own horses on any of these properties.

$20 million for a house and I have to pay HOA fees? The ****?

Missouri. I didn't have to look at the one in DC. I lived in NVA for 15 years. **** that place in the face.

St Louis sucks, the basketball court is unplayable with the string lights.

I just took a closer look at Photo 13 of Missouri. Is that a chapel?

draw here.

2 places I would never move to


hard pass

I'd probably pick a mobile home over living in DC.

Living around St. Louis isn't the greatest in the world either, but it has a 2 lane bowling alley inside so...

Going with Missouri on this one.

Looks like it, you can see the outside of those same windows in Photo 14.

DC....ugh. St. Louis area....ugh. MO it is.

The Missouri home is absurd in (mostly) a great way. That pool is absolutely incredible. I too love the wade-in style pools and this might be the best pool yet for lounging/hosting. I like the design of the home itself, it's got a lot of land, and my girlfriend would love that library/study room they've got so that'd ensure she'd never deny me a blowjob in the future.

That said, I definitely agree that they seemed to run out of ideas and just started throwing shit at the wall. Was that a gym in the attic I saw? That's gotta be the absolute worst part of a home to exercise. After 30 seconds you'd probably want to die. The bowling alley, stable, and conference room are just all fluff. Plus, it's basically St Louis which sucks. 100 miles doesn't get you to Nashville, Memphis, Kansas City or Chicago. Booooooo.

I love the exterior design of the DC home. I don't like the décor, but that can easily be changed. Not much land, but that's a fair tradeoff when you're smack dab in the middle of a baller ass city like DC.

DC takes this one for me.

Man, I really want to say I am sad to have to pass up on this pool. It truly is a spectacle. They've even got a swim-up bar area! You only ever see those in tropical resorts and I'd be so down to include that kind of vibe in my day-to-day.

https://ap.rdcpix.com/86818cc98c094a...1024_h768.webp

I didn't notice the swim-up bar. That's a nice touch.

You could also have lunch in the little grotto beneath the guardian Galapagos turtle.

It keeps getting better the more you look at it!

I was wondering how Missouri might fare on a Chiefs message board. I figured the proximity to KC would give it a boost, but I didn't expect it to win in a semi-landslide.

DC is a cool city, right? Even if your political leanings don't match the typical liberal urban city vibe, I feel like DC is great for any American. There's tons of history, patriotic stuff, etc.

I don't believe you're allowed to have any guns in DC, though, which I'm guessing is a dealbreaker for a lot of folk round these parts.

Missouri or some off the grid ranch were the clear odds on favorites

****ing Anna Kendrick won or nearly won the hottest chick contest

Root beer barrels was like a semi finalist in the candy contest

I kind of figured that Missouri would have a home-field advantage, though being in St. Louis somewhat negates that. I feel like this board is probably disproportionately in KC or in the non-metro parts of the state.

I generally have a bias against locations east of the Mississippi, just because I identify culturally as a citizen of the west. But there are some eastern cites that I could live in, like New York in particular. I'd hesitate at living there permanently, but I'd love to live in New York for a couple of years. I could probably live in DC just because of the museums, and I feel like some Florida cities like Tampa and Miami would work for me just because I feel like they get a lot of imported people in them.

I'm sure I could adjust to almost any place, though, so I don't think any location would be an absolute dealbreaker. But I'll give a lot of preference to the Rockies and points west because they're known commodities to me and I really like them. The bias against California that we've seen boggles me, because other than cost of living much of California is awesome.

I thought Anna Kendrick lost in the quarters and Kate Beckinsale pulled the title in an upset.

In either event - we got it way the hell wrong, that's for sure.

Yeah that sounds right. Feel like I checked out of that one before it was over due to the sheer insanity of her getting that far.

Wow, I had forgotten about that. I mean, Anna Kendrick is cute in a regular chick kind of way lol

Who the hell even nominated her?

Fire Me Boy! (RIP) if I remember correctly.

At least I remember he was dug in on that hill like the Peoples Army of Vietnam.

Would you eat a root beer barrel squeezed outta Annas anus directly into your mouth?

I couldn’t bring myself to live that close to STL. DC it is.

Still not sure how Salma Hayek didn't breeze to the finals there. Good lord, WTF else could you ask for? It was an 'in her prime' competition. You really telling me there's a hotter female celebrity than prime Hayek? And if there is, it's Sofia Vergara who ALSO got knocked out way too early.

That entire thing turned into a farce...

I pulled Root Beer Barrels out of a conference call I was on earlier today where weirdos were chatting in their favorite candies.

Root Beer Barrels came up and I was like no ****ing way then looked that person up in the company directory and am 100% confident they weren't trolling.

Was Jennifer Connely at least in the mix?

That was my error. I should have just named Salma as the winner and then had the tournament to decide second place.

I don't think she even made the Semis. Another damn travesty.

Looks like Sofia and Salma both lost in the semi-finals.

Yeah that’s something else. An older lady in my office had a bag of those on her desk a few months ago and offered me one. And it was ok. I like root beer. I like candy. But that can’t be your favorite candy when there’s so many to choose from. That’s like choosing necco wafers or circus peanuts.

She was in the mix. IIRC, Frazod was her champion in that tourney.

I appreciate a good root beer barrel. Especially if you get one from like an olde timey candy store where they're a little bitter (like Barqs, not that syrupy Mug crap).

But the answer is so obviously Reese's Peanut Butter Cups that it barely warrants comment. And once they made them with dark chocolate it was all over but the tears.

They make thin Reese's with dark chocolate, so the chocolate/pb ratio is a little higher than normal. They are excellent.

They make almond snickers now. Saw them in the airport last weekend. Very nice.

Sharing peanut butter M&Ms with Salma Hayek in that DC house seems like an optimal combination.

She lost in the 2nd !@#$ing round. To Julianne Hough?

Clearly too many people have not seen Mulholland Falls.

{brain melts}

I hungoverly grabbed a bag of salt water taffy from the check out lane at Menards last weekend and the root beer float was pretty dang good all things considered.

I had no idea who that was but she’s definitely not the winner there after a quick check

I'll send you a nude pic of Gal Gadot on the bowling alley in the MO house with pins and peach rings covering the goods.

Rainman just needs to do a new poll with only brunettes so we can have a just winner.

A Maryland house 30 miles from DC could do just fine. The biggest thing is just the land. People, especially those west of the east coast metros, likely expect some land in a multi million dollar home and don’t favor their garage to be twenty feet from a major street.

If the model Camaro on the bar in the DC house is included, that probably sways it for me.

Though the pool in the MO house is incredible, and it would be nice to be closer to my family.

DC in a coin filp.

I have a strict non-discriminatory policy so I couldn't do that without also having separate polls of blondes and redheads.

DC house is UGLY and you live in DC !!!! WTF!!!!

That Missouri Home is un-****ing-real and with the right decorating is a home run.

Not even close

I'd be nervous to touch anything in that DC house. Magnificent location, though. That alone would make it a contender. But who in the hell decided lime green was the go-to color for the master in THAT house??

That Missouri house has that pool and TWO bowling alley lanes. Give me MO.

My thought exactly.

And it's $17/month. LMAO

I was afraid the Missouri house would be St. Louis, and seems like an odd location in general.

I feel like the DC location is more of a novelty that would wear off pretty quickly... you go see the things and do some marveling, then you're just living in the middle of DC. I'd much rather go the Virginia route with all that acreage and access to DC.

And I think the Missouri house wins pretty easily with the bowling lanes, basketball court, etc.... plus 20 acres.

The DC house just leaves me cold. There is nothing warm about it. It would be like living in a hotel lobby.

Much like the GA house, it's so not me I don't think I could ever be comfortable there. ****ing awesome house though.

The kitchen in the MO house could beat out some of the other contenders on it's own. That thing is a work of ****ing art.



Julianne Hough? Julianne ****ING HOUGH?! How the ****? WHAT the ****? I don't even...

All I really remember is pushing Emily Ratajkowsk hard. Really hard.

That DC house it's like I would have to buy a full complement of powdered wigs. If I was having an Ichabod Crane themed party then, hell yes. But Nope to the wedding cake as a house vibes.

Tho, Missouri does look suspiciously like Neverland Ranch. And I would use the stipend to fill the garages with fully restored 50s/60s VWs and a supercar or two in the later years. Fine.


Regardless, this endeavor is mostly just showing me how money can't buy taste.

Not sure of the rules for this, but the priciest Mo mansion by far is the Evergreen Crystal Palace in Branson MO. https://www.priceypads.com/80m-everg...k-lake-photos/

Gotta figure that falls into the 'commercial property' realm rather than a true mansion.

That's an office complex with some kitchens.

The MO house for me. I'm really digging that place. Not every room is great, but the house looks fun. Seems to have everything. Arcade games, bowling. Pretty cool.

The D.C house looks like it was pulled right off the Vegas strip in terms of interior decoration. Bleh.

That was my impression as well.

Did you watch the video, its about a 30 minute walk-thru. I thought the same as you, but it really is more of a house inside, There are many bedrooms/bathrooms with only a handful of smaller offices.

This.