Ask Iowanian. Pt II, the Keyboard of Doom
 

If you've got a problem, yo Ahll Solve it, check out my hooks, while DJ revolves it..tss tss ts tss tst

If Dr Laura, Dr Phil or Ann Landers couldn't help you.....Serve it up.


Its the offseason, the board needs something other than politics. This thread, and the answers will go where you take it. A serious Question....I'll try to help, and or rely on others......A not serious question....You'll get what you ask for.


disclaimer: Iowanian is not a licensed Doctor, Psychologist or anything else. No responsibility shall be taken by advisors on any issue within the thread. The answer "I have no #@%&* idea " is valid and acceptable for these purposes. If the thread sucks, it shall fade into planet oblivion.

I'm having difficulty gaining traction in my efforts to change from poseur White Rapper to poseur BMX-er to poseur Punk frontman. Any good PR advice?

Should I trust a man that wears a pinky ring?

MX? BMX?
Fade? Dreds? Buzzcut?
Who fuggin cares? It's Rob.

BTW - in search of an avenue to arise, like the Phoenix, back to the big time, how do these two words grab you;



Trucker Hats!!!

Sometimes, I get that "not so fresh feeling"...

Any advice?

Signed
Stinky Ol' Box or SOB

My penis doesn't fit in my pants anymore. Should I just let it hang out?

One at a time.
 

Lets just see how the thread "goes" for now. I'm sure a plethora will think it sucks, and find it non-useful and not funny.

in next week's addition, Delt...we'll discuss what happens to a chicken when its head is pulled off.

next.
(I need to think of a clever ending...I'd use "and thats all Ah have ta say about tha-at"....but F. Gump beat me to it)

Mah-jick legs!, Lt. Daaaaan.

Vanilla...I'd recommend getting a job running a grinder at a welding shop. That will allow you to think of new rifs to steal, while giving you ample time to practice your rymes....and the noise of the grinding wheel on that steel tank, will save others from your attempt.


Also..Just come clean.....You stole the Rif from bowie.

Is this an internal or an external problem? either way, I'd refrain from allowing homeless people to insert anything into your cavity or vica versa.

Its long been known that the more foul the odor of cheese, the more it costs....find yourself a plastic butter knife, some pretty dixie cups, some extra stregth plastic wrap, and market that chicheese to foreign markets as an export. Lost cost of production....

Your only other option involves a car wash, a bottle of windex, a wire brush and an unfortunate rash.

Is it poking through the gaps between the zipper teeth again? how unfortunate.

My best advice is to stop attempting to wear those acid washed Jeans, with the Def Leopard rips that you wore when you were 14. You've gained 90lbs, they look like crap and the mooseknuckle is scary to your shoe salesman.

A combination of that......and what your mother told you would happen when you choked your chicken.......and on a trampoline, with a red mist exiting where your cranium used to reside.

Does Brideowanian still make those snorting sounds during sex like she did in high school?

well Audience...It appears we've got a special guest today. She did tell me about you. The rest of the story is that the only time she actually snorts...is during uncontrollable laughter. She said that while your "affliction" would cause pitty by some, the actual defect itself was funnier than watching Eddie Murphy Delerious in a room full of midget acrobats. While, during my visits to your hometown...I can't quite say you were described as a "star"...I'll say there is some Cult-like status....shared with some guy named "ThoroughBred ED".

So...The best answer to this question is that I wouldn't have a clue....I am too occupied by the look of Inspiration, that WHOA!, the blinding bright light that appears from the thin air in my direction, and the sound of a Girls Chior singing of Exhaultation.

Maybe I should show her this and see if She's got anything to add?

ROFL

I knew that would inspire you.

WTF? Are you not answering the questions in the order they were taken? :p

Is the ring made of foreskin?

I think I need a secretary.
 

Jim, Please don't feel slighted. A question with such serious implications can often take a great deal of time to ponder, to make sure that the best advice is given for your price of admission.

"should you trust a man who wears a pinky ring".

I'd say that depends on the situation. See, while this question appears simple on the surface, its a delicate item, with complex theories not always aggreed upon by those in my perfection.

For example.
If you're sharing a tent with a guy at a Logging camp, who is wearing a pinky ring.....I'd recommend sleeping in long pants and zipping the bag up tighter. If you're seeking advice on redecorating the kitchen or the Den to suprise your wife, you may actually wish to SEEK a man in a pinky ring. This may also be the case if you are getting a haircut. If you're going with the flat top, butch, or high-n-tight....I'd recommend an old guy without a pinky ring, preferably named Floyd or Gary.......If you have the "Ryan Secrest" thing happening.....again...Seek out a guy with a pinky ring...Prefeably named Lance or Skylar.

hope that is helpful
(insert clever closing statement here)

I'd recommend you clear it with him before trying anything......and don't forget your slick liquid.

Whatever floats your boat.

:LOL: ROFL :LOL: ROFL

Dear Dr. Iowanian:

First of all, let me tell you I am a big fan. You are far and away better than that big old tub of goo Oppra and that turd burglar Dr. Phil.

My question pertains to the dentist. If I goes in and the good Dr. dentist causes me more pain than I have ever experienced in my life, is it ok to give him the Overhead treatment and kick him in the twins?

First. Let me Thank you. Its always nice to hear from fans that I've been able to help. Its YOU, the fan that is the real star. Without such sophisticated questions, I'd have nothing to add.

Its funny you should mention that Bwana. Just yesterday I was thinking of your plight. I went to the dentist to get "2 small spots touched up" and it turned into 3 1/2hours of unpleasantness. Apparently, the Geologic department of dentistry determined a high probability of hitting oil if they were to dig long enough and deep enough into my skull. During this experience, apparently there was a nerve that wouldn't deaden....and every time the drill, auger, or spade type digging utensil scraped it, I had a feeling similar to how it might feel to crush ones own nuticles.

Every time the horrid look of displeasure crossed my face, the dentist asked if I was "feeling that"....It was my determination, that since its difficult to communicate orally when someone has 2 hands, a mirror and a black-n-decker sawszall in ones mouth, that the proper way to effectively communicate with said dentist was to grab his pill bag with a pair of fencing pliers.....relaxing the grip when things are fine, and squeezing as the pain level would dictate.

Altough, I'd never claim to be able to fully understand your pain, I do have empathy and feel that this is the best sollution for all of us.

Thank you doc, I will toss on my steel toe boots next time I go in.

Dr. Iowanian,

Ann Landers couldn't help me, and I'm not about to ask that fatsumbitch Dr. Phil. How do I get the blood off my shirt that inevitably comes after stabbing someone 16 times. The shirt is navy blue, if that helps.

Extreme.
Burn the shirt and get a new one. You can surely use money from the wallet of the person whose fluid is on the existing apparel.


Sheesh.

Thanks,

but I couldn't take money from their wallet... that would be stealing.

Dr. Iowanian,

My wife wants to invite a couple she knows from work to our Super Bowl party. The problem is that I don't like them. The guy collects Star Wars Lego sets, she's into Dungeons & Dragons crap and neither one of them even care about football. How can I keep them from coming over and ruining the party for everyone else?

Desperate in Des Moines

DEAR PLEASANT PROFESSOR OF PIG POOP: I hope you can help me. My teenage daughter was recently invited to a nude slumber party. She assured me there would be no boys present.

I called the mother of the girl and talked to her about this party. While the mother admitted the idea was strange, she said she would be present during the party to supervise. She also said her husband and teenage son would be away for the weekend, so there would be no males present in the house. She assured me that nude slumber parties are all the rage these days.

I have never heard of such a thing and cannot imagine why a bunch of 15- and 16-year-old girls would want to spend 12 hours together naked.

- Frustrated Father In Pedophiliaville

Whose the King of Talishouse?
 

As a wise man once said(and was suggested by Endelt). "spare the rod and spoil the broad"(hey! now there is a Iowani-copywrighted slogan to end posts with?.!"

You simply inform them that there are no Legos in Football. That isn't Jabba the Hutt on the Big Screen.....Its Ted Washington. If Taliswife hasn't invited them yet, you firmly say no, and offer to ease her discomfort with a naked halftime show. If she already has gone against the Kings wishes....Simply tell them the party was cancelled due to a new strain of that flu that is so prevelent in DesMoines. Nodouchabaggawatchafootball inmyhouseisitis Can be very very contagious.

If you allow this, the germ will fester. Next week, they'll be over to watch the American Idol marathon, and Taliwife will be replacing your Lifesize KC Helmet on the Mantle with some type of dried flowers.

Stop this now, or you'll soon find yourself painting their friggin house on the next episode of Trading Spaces.


Spare the Rod and Spoil the Broad

Its imperitive that you keep your daughter home. Ever considered Perochial school?

I think the best thing to do is make the most opportunity. You can teach your teenage daughter about avoiding troublesome situations, and at the same time, send your teenage son over to Investigate. He'll think you're the coolest dad alive, and test that "talk" you have.

Talisman.....

In a follow up to your previous question, I felt inclined to express how strongly I felt about the answer. I fear that you couldn't comprehend what I actually meant by written word, so I have demonstrated in Picture format what will happen if you don't stand firm on this issue.

My brother thinks he is a mule. Should I feel guilty about having him pull a plow every spring?

Dr. Iowanian:

My life is perfect. Help me find a problem so I can get a question answered on here!

I think the problem is obvious. Its -327 Degrees in Fargo today. Your brain is frozen and you're not thinking clearly. Otherwise, you might be asking how to mask the fact that one of your eyes sits higher on your head, one of your ears is half again bigger than the other, the combover isn't working for you. The magic 8ball tells me that your fly is open.

Ettiquette would indicate that this practice is acceptable, but only if you use him for some charity work also. Having him plow a vacant lot that he's cleaned up for a community garden is a grand idea.

The real comment should be about your actions though. I think the fact that you believe that having your brother pull you back and forth in the Foodbarn parking lot in a grocery cart is pulling a plow, indicates a need for the help of a mental health professional.

On the other hand, I can see how it might be fun. It may also be enjoyable to have him pull the kids and sleds back up the hill during winter sledding.

Spare the Rod and Spoil the Broad-er.

Dr I,

Sally is now twice Susan's age. In five years, Susan will be two years younger than Sally is now. Five years ago, Susan was seven years younger than Sally was. How old are they now?

Mathematically Challenged

iowa...it's -2degrees outside this morning. how long can i leave my beer outside before it freezes? if needed, i can call my wifes office and she can come home and bring it back inside to me, but i don't want her to miss too much work, so timing is crucial.
regards,
sec

Dear Dr. Iowanian;

A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was when it was one fourth as old as it is now.


How long is the banana?

I'm guessing you have a 3" banana.

Susan is 14 and Sally is 7.

Now...the rest of the lesson is that math problems like this only occur in school. Never in the real world. This information is just taking up space in your brain that could be used to remember that square, square, Triangle, Circle circle Square is the Finishing move for the Blue guy on Mortal Kombat.

Iowanian is not a mathematician and will assume any further mathematic questions are intentional provocation.

Sec,
This is both a serious and Tragic situation. My heart goes out to you. It has been my experience that leaving beer outside for more than an hour in negative temperatures will result in frozen and foamy beer. Whoa to those who leave that beer out in the wind, as it shall be rendered useless in 45 minutes. I'd recommend tellin SheClark to hop out of the tub and run herself out to save that beer.

I'm a conservationist though.

I am currently experiencing an intense pressure in my rectal area. I feel as though I am ready to explode. But, I'm out of toilet paper. What should I do?

It is impossible to calculate the answer, as the Monkey had eaten the banana by the time the question was fielded.


Unfortunately, we were unable to compile an answer to this dilema. Iowanian was disgusted that the monkey was eating his own feces and throwing vomit at him while trying to survey the situation.

Research has indicated that the good news for the Monkey, according to his proctologist, is that he no longer is property of the Zoo of Sweeden.

Doc,

I have an extra $50 lying around from that kidney I sold and was wondering what video game I should purchase. You seem to have some knowledge in this area. Are there any must-have games out right now that you would recommend I pick up?

Jonesing for Games

Warning: Only partially true information below ...
 

Dear Dr. Iowanian ...

The Mrs. and I are expecting our first child in August. I know I am the father (DNA test) and a sonogram convinced us that we're having a boy (either that, or the kid is holding a baseball bat).

The problem is that we can't agree on a name. I like Joshua, she likes Ayden. What should we name him?

Sincerely,

Nameless in North KC

Without more information as to your current situation, this is a difficult problem to solve. I'll do my best to cover both common problems in Houston.

1. You may begin to feel relief from the problem, by having the man behind you remove the firm object from the area. While I don't know from personal experience, it would make sense that this might cause your discomfort.


2. The more common cause is obvious. I have some sollutions to alleviate your pain. In Iowania, if one is foolish enough to go to the field without the standard issue ESK(emergency shit kit) in the truck or preferably tractor...One can often find himself in a similar situation as yours.

There are many possibilities to solve your dilema. First, I'd scan the area/truck/tractor/construction site for napkins that may have been left from previous lunches. The next would be to locate other paper products...Paper grocery bags could be effective, the backing of fiberglass insulation is also a possibility. In a real pickle, Iowanian has been known to cut or tear the bottom half of the front of his teeshirt off and use that.

I'd say your sollution, as painful as it may be, is to tear off the required about of the WHAM! concert tee that you're so fond of. this time of year, in your line of work, you should be sporting a standard Plad Flannel shirt to cover you anyway.

The other option is to use the ARAB Method.....and just shake and eat with your right hand for the rest of the day.

Iowanian is not a video gaming expert, but Has recently purchased a couple of games for PSII. I found Madden04 to be satisfying, but it seems to have worn off its usefullness at this time. I've also purchased MOH, Allied assault, and MOH Rising Sun. While Both had great graffics, I conquered rising sun pretty quickly. Most recently, I purchased NCAA football 04 and am working on my 3rd season.

If I were you, I'd save some of that money and give Iowanian $35 for Rising Sun.

Ayden is a trendy name because of that chic show on HBO that shows just enough T&A for a man to allow it viewed in his home. While many may not aggree, I personally believe that a boy should be given a strong name. I'm not a big fan of the "fad names" and prefer more traditional names. I'm also a believer in spelling the name the way it should be instead of getting all Clever. The kid has to spell that when he's 5. There will be 3 other Aydens in his class, spelled 3 different ways.

Given the Choice of those 2, I think my choice is obvious.


At least its not Schkylar.



disclaimer: Should Mrs M so choose to go with Ayden, prooving she indeed wears the pants in the household, iowanian will deny any posts relating to the issue and inform Markand MrsM that Ayden is an excellent selection....to their face.

Bob Dole can't help it...the openings you offer are staggering...

"...make this reeruned bitch forget my phone number?"

Evidently she's not as reeruned as your usual "conquests."

"...make her forget she's ever met me?"

Why not use the same method you've used on every other living person?

"Plus, it's difficult to get laid at the bar when..."

Keep telling yourself that's the reason, Stuart Smalley.

This is a common problem. I believe its caused by kissing them too good when you allow them to come around the first time. Its is double edged sword.

You should start by having your cell phone company block her number from your phone. You CAN make her forget she's ever met you, but it will take some sacrifice on your part. It involves you going home with her again(its important that it is her house)...and is followed by a well placed donkeypunch. Others may disapprove of that method, but it would be effective.

The other tactic I'd recommend is to kill her with kindness....Not the sincere kindness....the annoyingly, antagonistic kindness. In your best Eddie Haskell, in front of others(next time she approaches you in public) inform her that while you enjoyed your time with her initially, it just isn't going to work, and that you hope she finds someone that deserves her.

This should be followed up with a well placed rumor with a loudmouth. It should involve things like her poor personal hygiene, a curable STD, incorrect dosage of her mental health medication. If she continues....Its important that you bed her sister,best friend, or arch rival.

You could use one of these:

http://www.neweyestudio.com/ebe437.jpg

Just don't forget to put your sunglasses on first.

Not Bob Dole's job.

That would be why it's called "Ask Iowanian" instead of "Ask Bob Dole."

Another dissatisfied customer.

If you don't shape up, the Consumer Products Safety Commission is going to recall that defective dick of yours.

It's the allliteration -- a cheap tool used by us scribes. (Michael Michigan can tell you more about it.)

This knowledge must come due to years of experience with your personal "affliction" discussed above? Get your recall notice last week?

Warm it up!

ROFL

:shake:

Sally is 14, Susan is 7 (just read the first sentence)

...Can't believe the great Dr. got worked by a second grade arithmetic problem... ROFL

Dr. Iowanian,

I have a "friend" who lives in Houston. Being that far away was comforting since I knew he couldn't just drive up to my house on a whim. I have recently learned, however, that he is moving to KC which is only a 2 hour drive from my house. I kind of like living here, is moving my only option???

So Iowanian, now that you have no more plans for the Super Bowl, I have been asked to tell you a certain poster outside Dallas would like you to go his Super Bowl party. He only asks that you not bring Brideowanian.

Will you be going?

Iowanian is awefully busy answering numerous world issues at any given time. Iowanian is allowed a mistake and in this case, the names were superimposed.


Why don't you ask Iowanian Whats wrong with the raiders and talking crap with a 4-12 record?

Dear Dr. Iowanian, I am having recurring nightmares where I dream I am as dumb as ®®. I just go from one message board to another pissing people off. What could be causing this?

I think there is a way around this without any drastic life changes. 2hrs away is still far enough to hide,unless he's been to your residence. This may be a good opportunity, before he has moved, to "tell" him that you've decided to accept that position with the Merchant Marines and will be moving to Salem.

You get to stay, and he thinks you're gone.

Logical.
As to your inquiry, I make it a practice to never attend a function without formal invitation. Its just rude, and in this case, wrong...because as it turns out, Ahm Not Ghey.

Skip.
This is easily solved. Take comfort in the fact, that if you don't eat urinal cakes at Public Restrooms, its impossible for you to be a raider fan. My advice to make sure you sleep more soundly, and avoid unpleasant dreams, is to request that your special lady friend make sure and remove any excess Poison your body may have accumulated.

Its prescribed by your doctor.

Dr. Iowanian,

Landers and Phil couldn't help, so here I am. How do you get a dame out of the way? So many things going on and someone always happens to get in the way....any ideas on how to solve this?

---Frustrated in Florida

Miiiight-ay Wiiiiiiing maa ha haaan.
 

Here's to you, Mighty Wingman. You Take one for the team, so your bud-day can live the dream....Wiiing [ballpinch]mmaaHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAANN![/bp]

Slayer, I assume by what you're saying, is that you've finally cornered a girl who will let you within arm reach. Your problem is that her friend won't leave you alone with her, so you can work your Cool. Slayer. Fonzy moves on her?

You have finally reached an age where those childhood relationships that have grown, shall bear their fruit. Its time for your buddy to step up, and do what we men refer to as "taking out the cockblocker".

Your buddy/brother has to play fullback....and take out that obstacle.

PS...Have someone teach you how to put a condom on a banana....You may need that info in a couple of years.

Dr. Iowanian,

I think my mother and grandmother have a case of :fart: and it seems to have gone on for quite sometime. I've mentioned Beano and GasX but keep getting the same response...."I don't smell anything OR must be the dog again". I'm sorry but woman or girls farting total makes me want to :Lin:.

The worst is they both just sit there and act like nothing happened. :mad:

It's like they enjoy it...:Lin:

Do I just avoid the old family get togethers or tell them how I really feel?

Thanks

Munkey

Monkey....
It has been my experience that you are facing a common problem. Its an affliction that infects the majority of the female population. They often get it(like the carry on bag with a luggage purchase) the first time their aunt flow visits.....Female Flatualation denial syndrome.(FDS. You've seen the commercial)

Its a known fact though, that when no one else is in the car with them, women roll up the windows AND turn up the heat and flatulate to the point of irresponsible showing off. Its like when they get together to play cards, or have a "tupperware party"....They always take their shirts off and touch chests....Its like the Broads Secret handshake.

The only option I can offer is that its acceptable for you to let yourself go. No holding back in their company. You can fight the effects of female air pollution with scented candles(why do you think they have them), fragrant dried plants/flowers, and an air purification system.

Phony gonfrequilizer impression, 1 time boi.

Dr. I,

Did the groundhog see his shadow yesterday? Are we in for more winter? Iowa winters suck and if that little freaker said there's going to be 6 more weeks of this crap, I'm going to hunt him down and mount his head over the fireplace.

Irate in Iowa

Unfortunately, the fat Ground Oppossum indeed saw his shadow. Being that overweight, how could he not, I saw the shadow in Iowania, and at first thought it was cloudcover, or a partial eclipse.

Expect winter to last at least another 6 weeks, with no spring weather, until after I return from my trip to the Caribean. During that time, ending in early March, I expect temperatures in this region to be near zero.

If you do happen to get Puxatony Phill, on the Talis-grill....I would recommend you follow the cooking instructions used on the Bandits of the forest, the raccoon. Drain the fat 3 times and it will be acceptable and palatable, and will meet your Atkins requirements.

Oh, the groundhog Phil. All that huge shadow talk had me thinking about another Phil I know...

Iowanian Asks the readers.

Readers with extensive knowledge of dogs and those with strong opinion needed.

What is YOUR opinion/input on the need/value of neutering of a male dog? 9month old Yellow Lab male.....Pet/bird dog

Does it make them a "better/worse" dog(pet/hunting)

Trying to decide If Truman will be Singing Barry White or Vince Gill.

not too sure about males, but i have all my female labs neutered. my cousin in columbia is a vet, and does all the work on my labs, and just neutered my lab pup saturday.

ill give her a call and ask her opinion.
sec

Oddly enough, Punxatawny isn't too far from where I'm at....They throw a HUGE bash every year for it, but I personally, have never gone.

iowa...according to my vet: "neutered males are not distracted by the bitches in season and tend to keep their mind on the task at hand."

9months is an excellent time to have it done.
sec

Don't tell my wife this... :eek:

Thanks ever so much Sec.....I'll be sure to have my marketing department assistant ship you a box of whatever janky product We're pimping at the moment.

Maybe you'll be lucky and its Lavitra and Enzyte this month.

Thanks.

Hello Truman,
Goodbye Taters.

i'll give the enzyte a shot...and i suggest you allow truman one last leg-hunch before the snip.
sec

There is nothing else going on......and I could use the vent.