*OFFICIAL* relationship advice thread
 

All the Slayer talk in the Stevieray thread made long for the days when Slayer would help everyone out with their lady problems. Since he's disappeared, I figure the Planet needs another one-stop-shop for relationship advice, so who more qualified than I to pick up the mantle Slayer has cast aside?

Having trouble with the ladies? Are you in the wife's doghouse? Just plain unlucky in love altogether? You've come to the right place.

Dr. GoLove is in the house.

Is this actually an "official" thread? Don't you have to have at least three stars for that?

The only true advise you could give, would be on masturbation

4 asterisks on each side, n00b.

What happened to your signature ''Chiefsplanet Interviews Thread''®©™? why did you quit doing those?

You must be high.

Not really.

Who's gonna take his advise when it includes Jabba action figure?

ROFL Classic

Not unlike marlboro chief doing a thread on racial sensitivity, TJ and BEP on the postives of Karl Marx, or recxjake on the virtues of Toyota.

And likely, far less enlightening.

Have you tried the European grip?

Also, "stranger" is a fun game. Sit in your hand of choice until it becomes numb. Proceed.

my sheep doll
is starting smell really funky

you are a sick jerk who gets kicked off of other boards so you come crawling back and think you are all that? YOu need to get out and have a real life you ahole

Goatse told your man to try sticking it in your butt when you rolled over didn't he? :shake: That one never goes over well.

Official how not to get laid thread

the best advice is not to take advice

Dr. Love Himself
 

Goatse, researching for his latest Dr. GoLove column.

he's on the butthash

My advice is to avoid relationships at all costs.

Probably the only advice I could give that I actually follow.

I need advise on how to avoid taking advise whose advice might be clouded by the advice of his sexually attractive mother, whose advise is somewhat deceived by me...because I'm having regular sexual intercourse with her.

Run it through the wash and spritz a little febreeze. Also, fresh-air hang-drying seems to work wonders.

I have no idea how to actually get into a relationship. Not that I'm trying by any means but I don't even see it presenting itself. I'm now 25 years old, and EVERYBODY is stunned why I haven't had an actual tangible relationship in the last couple years. They always ask me why am I single?

The answer..I like to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it, under my own conditions. Having a GF is like having a mother. They always keep tabs on you and yell at you at all costs. I go nuts after about a few weeks of seriously seeing each other. Maybe I'm just one of the most selfish human beings on the face of the planet though. I'm not sure

or you could just be really ****ing ugly

I could pretty much copy-and-paste all of that.

I've been married, a relationship that lasted a total of 6 years, and to this day I don't know wtf I was thinking. Not that there aren't positive points to having a steady chick, but life seems so much less complicated and so much more enjoyable this way.

And kids. God. I'm way too selfish to even contemplate that. It would be a disaster. I'd be the worst dad ever. "Take yourself to soccer practice, I have a raid going. Oh, right, you're six, you can't drive. Well, if you want to play that bad, prove it and walk".

Ugly doesn't prevent female attachment. I reiterate that I've been married.

unless you are conway twitty

ugly prevents quality female attachment

Goatse:
"You see, the key to a successful marriage is much like eating an orange."

Us:
"If i wanted to see a man eat an orange i would have taken thr orange eating class."

A simpsons quote for those noobs out there... :homer:

ground floor

Not true in all cases.

Would you please enlighten us on the all of the delights and dangers when using GI Joe with Kung Fu grip?

:doh!:

Mods.....can we get a sticky on this one?

How did you really expect this to turn out?

Chicks dig mommas boys, that's why I can't move out of moms house /GOATSE

I t hink I grip to hard
or the slut is too lose

This is a common problem. Are you an after-hours bar diver? I suggest picking up a little dainty thing at church.

How may I be of assistance?

In many ways. Your wife probably would appreciate some help around the house. Think how happy she'd be if one day she came home from grocery shopping and you were vacuuming the house naked with an erection.

Surprise her from time to time and make dinner. I don't suggest doing it in the nude, especially if you're boiling something.

Go the extra mile and rent a chick flick every once in awhile. You can find books at your local library on cunnilingus if you're inexperienced.

I do all of those things on a routine basis.

Alright guys, I need help bad. I can't make new threads so I figure this is as good a place as any. My boys and I were eating at this Korean BBQ place. I was flirting with the waitress and we end up exchanging numbers. My friends and I leave and two hours later she calls me asking if I wanted to hang out after work. I meet her at her job before she gets out and we start walking back to her place. Along the way, she starts telling me how she’s been raped twice, how a drunk driver killed her cousin, and how her fiancée died while disarming a bomb in Israel. We get to her house and I thought I was going in with her, until she tells me we won’t be having sex until marriage and how she’s so happy to be my boyfriend. She goes inside and I’m left wondering, “What the **** just happened?”
She calls me the next day to hang out and we do. She’s introducing me to all her friends as her boyfriend and I’m scared shitless. I pull her aside and tell her we can still hang out and fool around, but I’m not looking for a relationship. She says, “You can still **** other girls and you don’t have to call me your girlfriend, but I wanna still call you my boyfriend.” I figure that’s a compromise and agree to it.
I had her over yesterday and we fooled around for an hour before she had to go to work. We agreed that I’d spend the weekend over he house. She calls me later that night crying about her life and how she wants to “just end it all”. I get about three or four different sets of text messages from her a day. I’m getting picture messages saying how “fate brought us together”. I’m genuinely scared when my phone rings now.
Today I remembered that I’m gonna be down south during the weekend for my sister’s graduation, so I let her know I won’t be able to hang out. She calls me crying again and goes on about how she’s “always going to be a failure” and how she understands if I don’t want to be with her anymore. She’s saying crazy shit about how “blood is blue until oxygen hits it” and how she’s cutting herself right there with me on the phone.
I don’t know what the **** I’m gonna do. My plan is to meet with her tomorrow (in public) and tell her that this isn’t healthy for either one of us and we need to end it. Let her know that she needs to get help immediately and ****ing bounce (I want to get this out of the way before I go down south). I’m going to give one of her coworkers my number and have him/her keep in contact so I know if she tries to hurt herself. But other than that, I have no idea what to do. I’ve seen other threads and you give good advice as a group, and I figure crowd sourcing couldn’t hurt at all. So what do you guys recommend? Thanks.

Bump

Sorry mods, but I gotta bump this until its on the front page.

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Tell her she should at least have sex one last time before she kills herself.

Throw your phone in the river.

I would just send her a text saying that your Mother does not let you date crazy chicks.

PIIHB?

PIIHB.

Who is the mult

Just do what you said you were going to do. Tell her that it isn't healthy for her to be acting like this especially targeting you and you sound like you hardly know her. Get her in the right direction for some help and let her family know about this. Also stay FARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR away from that chick, she sounds crazy as ****

Call 911. Give them her address. Tell them the crap she's saying. Ask for a welfare check. She probably just wants the attention. You probably do as well. If you are really concerned for her well-being then let the proper professionals handle it. If you're just trolling for attention then troll on...

Still like PIIHB

EJECT EJECT EJECT!!!
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Gonna give the n00b a break...

Dear n00b,

First off, damn. Secondly, you have given yourself pretty solid advice, so take it. Ending the fling sooner than later is the best thing but let her know that she needs to get help, (put it as nicely as you can and refrain from calling her a psycho).

My theory is this... if she's that crazy now, she will only get crazier the longer you're together. She's obviously obsessed with you, too and that could make breaking things off with her difficult. But, with you leaving town after you talk to her, that's a good move. She will still have your number though and she will try to call/text. I highly suggest that you don't respond. Make sure you can get in touch with her co-worker if she threatens suicide and have them try to get her help.

Just my advice. Good luck.

My mom was watching a trial where this chick was obsessed with her ex and she drove across 2 states, with a full tank of gas, including a full gas can, and with her phone turned off , to try and get back together with him and when he said no, since he was dating someone else she stabbed him over 10 times and then shot him in the head.

Now I ask, what do you think you should do?

Yeah, I saw that episode of Law and Order, too.

Tragic.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-sH4VOaj3S0...-two-times.jpg

Crazy girls can be freaks in bed! :evil: just don't own any pet bunnies!

No it was on the Trial TV channel. It was real it wasn't a show. Please leave me alone. Seriously.

LMAO you're crazy. You must be a freak in bed. And that's terrible advice.

LMAO What I don't understand is this... if that crazy chick had all that gasoline with her, why didn't she just catch him on fire and let him burn to death? :shrug:

The heat would have frizzed her hair?

Wow Lumpy. That dude has become a troll. Can't believe you believe that crap. She took it so she didn't have to stop for gas. A full tank of gas doesn't get you across 2 states. She didn't want to go to a gas station and risk being seen on any cameras. Her phone was off so she wouldn't be tracked.

I sometimes don't even want to try to explain anything on here anymore. Holy Hera. :facepalm:

Wait what's bad advice?? That you shouldn't own bunnies if you're hooking up with crazy chicks??? Dude wth do you like bunny soup??? That's just messed up!!! :cuss:

:hmmm: Not if she uses a high quality conditioner that's designed to withstand heat.

ROFL

I didn't. I'm just really bored and can't sleep.

Edit: Oh and yes, I was quite aware of the reason for her stocking additional gas, too.

:LOL: Bunny soup? Is that from a movie? I'm sorry if it is.

Lol. Sorry about that. I'll pray for you to get to sleep.

ROFL it's from an old school movie 'fatal attraction' hell I haven't even seen the movie just heard about it!

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Holy shit, I've never seen the bunny scene. LMAO

Thanks, but there's no need to go that far. I just took a sleeping pill so I'll be good in about 30 min's. :)

LET ME BE ME! :cuss:

Goodnight :D I'm out too.

Lord. I can't unsee that. Thanks for nothing dude.

IDK - but if you ever bang this broad DEFINITELY pull the hair. She'd like it.

1 cup?

ROFL

Your narcissism is almost as bad as hers and why I am with Phobia that you might be trolling. But just in case you are not you are dealing with a 'borderline personality'. Ever watch the movie "Jagged Edge"? You are involved with Glenn Close. The reason she say's she won't bang you is because she has been banged soooooooo much prior and been used but she can't tell you that and it's a test to see if you are different and caring and so far you are passing the test and even more so if she finds out that you actually are following up on her for her safety.

GTFO NOW and drop off the face of the earth in reference to her !!!

Otherwise think Glenn Close and I am not shittin you either !!!:shake:

You can't gently drop these types of personalities because they will never go away and they always come back. They have no concept of boundaries. And heaven forbid if you end up sleeping with her because then you are really f**ked (pun intended :p but on the negative side). You will regret it for sure.:shake:

Couldn't he just tell her that he's gay? It worked for Mel Gibson's character in the movie, "What Women Want". It would be worth a shot. LMAO

http://youtu.be/SnJiwQ11yk0

Slayer helps with everything.

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Don't date an astronaut?