Texts from last night
 

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Don't care if repost, this is funny shit

A few gems:

(440): I love you
(720): are you drunk
(440): yes but I def love you, we should get married
(720): But I'm Jewish
(440): embrace Jesus

(864): Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to **** you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.

(619): i miss you so much
(858): i miss you too
(858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this ****in recession

(586): White guys get excited about tits
(586): I've always analogized fake boobs to dinosaurs in jurrasic park
(586): Meaning I know they're not real but they still make me happy
(586): But guys misperceive them as a girl being easy
(586): I mean if I spent $5000 on my dick I'd wanna get the return on my investment

(914): ? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
(773): jesus mom

(310): Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?

(504): dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
(985): doesn't he have a girlfriend???
(504): yeah...who do you think woke us up...

(703): How the **** did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.

(215): Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

(337): Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency

(209): Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night

(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.

(917): Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
(212): Vagina

(773): When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
(312): Prob not but she was surprised

(314): Someone's got a whale tail
(1-314): A thong is hangin out?
(314): No, a fatty following them

(212): Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles

(478): This is not my ceiling

(225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
(504): Who won?
(225): All of them.

(402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
(1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that

(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.

(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie

LOL

that site is great.

damn it, I wish I could remember that!! HA HA HA!!!!!!

ROFL

(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.


lol- sounds like me.

Here are a select few from my phone:

"Tap that booty today."

"I'm sober if you wanna call."

"She's nineteen, weezie!"

"Charlotte wants my cock!"

"Sry bro. I'm semi-drunk and needed a friend."

"Just get me Dane McDufflebag's ass # pronto"

(509): Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

(212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

(215): May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night

(314): dude did u upper deck my toilet?
(1-314): haha like two months ago
(314): i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

"(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am."

This one made me chuckle... reminds me of a time or two just after college.

(513): Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide

Mine are always things like "dude, ur a tool"

(336): Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

(208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

i put ramen noodle in the nuker for 99.99 then passed out.

4/27):
This mother ****er is blabbing on his cell phone in the john, wtf!!! Talking about his ****ing facebook and bible camp
Posted via Mobile Device

LMAO

(507): drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to