Parenting advice needed: 13 yo female
 

I know what to do with my younger ones because they're younger and I can discipline them pretty much at will but my 13 yo is at the age where she doesn't get spankings anymore.

So with her it's more punishments, etc. for the last 2 years or so.

Anyhow, reluctantly got her a phone for Xmas because of the wifes constant harping on the issue. I told wifey this is on her. So today I ask the daughter to clean the kitchen and empty out the dishwasher. After she left the kitchen I noticed eating utensils still in there. So I told her to clean it out. At that time, she had her phone in her hand.

I noticed she's been running to this phone a lot over the last couple of days. So she lays the phone down on the couch and I pick it up and go to my room to see what the "fun is all about".

When I initially gave her the phone, I told her not to call any boys, etc. I disabled text on the phone and web access but I knew kids act like prisoners and mind ways around everything.

So I went through her phone and she's been skyping a guy. Their conversation was basically useless until i saw that she must've been going out with the guy or something and she's trying to impress him to get his attention again but he doesn't seem interested anymore. Then she tells him about her cup size, how far she's been, etc.

Here's your answer Mr. Obvious next question: She's grinded on someone (while dancing at one of her previous schools dances). And she's french kissed someone. Haven't questioned her about it yet.

My question is... WTF do I do?

My initial gut feeling is to turn the phone off as I didn't really see a need for it anyways and it seems like more of a distraction/enabler more than anything. Besides, her friends all have cell phones if she needs to use one.

I'm more of a traditional raising parent. I think 13 is too young for a cell phone (NTTAWWT). I just think she needs one when she gets a car but not at the moment.

Don't really feel like looking dumb witty replies/smilies. Please keep it serious/mature for a moment before the shinanigans start..

Post (THE TALK) Update:
This morning...
So I had a lot of errands to do today so I told her to get ready we're about to go.

So we depart for a multitude of stores and while we're backing out of the garage the conversation goes like this...

Me: OK look... I'm going to need you to use the teenager voice right about now & not the lil shy voice. Use the voice you was using to (lil fugger).
Her: OK

Me: Are you ready for sex?
Her: No

Me: What's stopping you and why not?
Her: Becuase it'll hurt

Me: That's it?
Her: And because of AIDS and diseases

Me: So you're not ready because of AIDS and Diseases? So what are you ready for?
Her: IDK.. hugging and holding hands, and stuff.

Me: So if that's the case who was it you tongue kissed?
Her: Daddy I didn't tongue anyone, I was just saying that and the guy knew I was lying when I texted it.

Me: Looking at her (she knows she can tell me the truth).... Are you serious? You've never kissed anyone? REALLY?
Her: No! I've never kissed anyone.

Me: What about the time your sister and brother said you kissed so & so before?
Her: No I didn't kiss him or anyone. They're starting to kiss their boyfriends at school but I haven't kissed anyone.

Me: OK... not only do you have to worry about AIDS. You have to worry about herpes, gonereah, syphilis, HPV. Genital warts. 80% meaning 8 our of 10 people that have sex EVEN WITH CONDOMS have some form of HPV which causes cancer. So when you hear of people having cervical cancer, that's mainly the reason why they may have it. Hell your mother and I may have it. I've had an STD before so don't think it can't happen to you like I used to think it couldn't happen to me.

Me: And on a side note... Us guys are manipulative. You should never have to impress us. In the end, we only want one thing... We'll say we love you and make you even think it but we say it because all we want is to have sex with you. I've been there and done that and have had sexual encounters where I've used women. Once we think you're all in, we shit all over you. We don't want you because you're not a challenge to us anymore. The reason your auntie doesn't have a man because she's too available and guys take advantage of that. We want a challenge also, so just when you think you tell a guy you're not having sex, we look at it as a challenge to see how long we have to be in it til we have sex. That's all we think about. and we'll say and do anything to get it and use you until we get it.
Her (after I said much more to drive my point home): Do you love mama?

Me: Yes, that's a marriage. We were friends for years before everything. But make no mistake about it... I've never told a girl I loved her to get in her pants but I know plenty of guys that have. Then here's the kicker... Once you have sex with a guy that doesn't give a shit about you at school, he spreads the word to his friends. Then his friends try to get some from you. And if you have sex with one of his friends, you're immediately labeled a whore. Once you get the whore label, it's really hard to lose and you end up with a less pool of QUALITY boys to date. Real quality men want a woman/gf with morales.
Her: What's morales?

Me: It's a value system of being a good wholesome person. But if you don't have them in a man's eye, you'll attract nothing but losers.

Me: So do you understand about the importance of condoms?
Her: yes!

Me: Do you understand how sexting & sleeping with a guy can hurt your reputation?
Her: Yes!

Me: So do you have any questions?
Her: No.

Me: So when i gave you the phone, what'd I tell you?
Her: No boys.

Me: So why'd you do it?
Her: because I thought Skype didn't count
Me: REALLY? That you're final answer? If that's the case why'd you immediately just say no boys?
Her: Quiet.

I drove more points home but that was the basic conversation. Did I miss anything?
I was going to ask if she started touching herself but I really wouldn't gain anything from it by knowing so I 86'd the awkward conversation topic.
I look at that as a need to know basis. YUK!

well I'll tell you one thing...

she's going to be super embarrassed when she finds out you know "how far she's been"...and she's going to be really angry you invaded her personal space...

but shit...13? I still think that's your right. 15? You might need to step back a little and make your wife have "the talk"...

13?

Yikes man...I don't know. Tough situation...glad I'm not a parent.

First serious comment out of the way...

Just do what parents do when they catch their kid smoking. They go buy a pack and make them smoke the whole thing. In your case...........

Take the phone away from her for 2 weeks and have her talk with her mother about how far she's been and her grinding on someone at a dance.

The last thing you want to do is overreact to her budding sexuality. Have a conversation with the wife, then have a conversation with the kid. Time without the phone is likely warranted but flat shutting it down will only make her not want to talk you guys about sex in the future.

No way I'd wait until 15 to have "the talk." She's already frenching guys and talking about her cup size.

I'd let your wife handle it. She made the bed, now she has to lie in it.

You need to have a conversation with Chris Hanson. Seriously. If she acts like this at 13 ****ing years old, you might have a problem. Of course, it could also be her "exaggerating" things in a way to make herself appear more attractive.

We've had the talk years ago. I know it's normal part of growing up but damn that's my lil girl. I've hard it before but now it's hitting home. I'm really lost at what to do. I do know I'm about 80% sure I wanna cut the phone line. Unless wife deems it justifiable.

My dad made my brother eat a cigarette. I'm not continuing where you were going with the thought though...lol.

So what is the issue? The boy or the phone?

I can think of a lot of good reasons for a 13 year old to have a phone, mainly that she is always a call away, so no good reason for you to not know where she is and whats she's doing.

As for the boy... first you'd have to tell her you went through her phone which could be a whole other can of worms. The "how far she's been" sounds about right for her age, but it may be a good time to drive home your morals and remind her of the dangers of promiscuity.

Maybe something like increased monitoring of phone usage, taking the phone away for awhile.

We're very open (prolly too open) so it's not embarrassing for her to have to discuss it. Wifey found out the where/how she's doing things with.

How old is the boy?

Turning the phone off is going to do nothing for her except exacerbate the problem, however, I think there are a few effective ways to respond to the issue.

I think one thing you can do is take away her phone until her chores are completely done. Remind her that you're paying completely for the phone and she needs to do her share to earn it.

About the guy, things can get bad fast if she ever decided to send pictures of herself. There, you need to explain that anything she tells/shows the guy can be saved by that guy, and if the two ever get in a fight, he can show all of his friends and then they could show anyone in the area. Tell her that if she is going to use the phone you bought to have a relationship, then she needs to at least be honest with you about the relationship. Tell her that you don't want to know the details, just that you want to know the guy that's dating your daughter.

And..That's the best I got, I"m an eighteen year old guy, and these strategies seemed to work pretty well for my parents and I.

Yes because this is exactly what marriage is all about. Rubbing the other person's face in mistakes.

By all means wut, take marriage and parenting advice from Wendler.