[KurtCobain]

Headline:

Kirk Cousins Allegedly Kills and Rapes Dogs.

Spoiler!

Several years and two past lives ago I was traveling the United States via hitch-hiking. I ended up in a New Hampshire Waffle House one morning sitting next to former disney channel star, Hillary Duff. We talked for a long while of our mutual interest in the Harry Potter books and ended up playing games of Quidditch together in our spare time for years to come.

Around the summer of 2014 Hillary had gotten a rescue pup named Daniel Bloomer. A furry little bastard nonetheless, she feel in love with him. Everytime I would see her, she would have him in toe, and would give himself plenty of love.

The next summer while we were sharing Kirkland Brand popsicles following a Quidditch practice, she told me she had met a man. He played football for the Washington Redskins. She had already built up a mountain of feelings for this fellow, and as a friend I told her to be careful.

Fast forward to the summer of 2016. Canadian hip hop star Drake is tearing up the charts and I am staying in an abandoned sonic drive-in in Iowa. Hillary is suppose to arrive around 10 for brunch and a reading of The Chamber of Secrets. She doesn't show. I begin to worry. I immediately jump on a plane to Kentucky where I know her favorite bowling alley to be. Sure enough she is there in the men's facilities crying her eyes out. She tells me Daniel was raped to death by her boyfriend, Kirk Cousins. I cry with her for several hours, then we part ways, never to speak of Kirk or the adorable puppy he killed ever again.