I'm sorry, brother.
That great amount of deep pain you feel is equal to that great amount of deep love you gave. It VALIDATES it beyond measure.
It's terribly humbling to me to think some never get to experience that. Just like not getting to experience a full life.
You are and were a blessed man.
May you find the strength to lean on the Lord. He knows exactly how you feel.
You might reach out to Endzoner if you need someone to talk to.
Hang in there, man.