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I don't want to put this on the social media my family and friends are on because it would likely scare them but I need to scream into the ether and I don't want to put it on paper lest something happen and they find it and think I actually did it.
Its been over a month now. I hate existing. I constantly think about ending it. The perpetual exhaustion both emotionally and physically is unreal. I get hungry but everything tastes like cardboard when I do eat. There is no joy in anything I do... not even a slight rush of endorphins/seratonin from a 5 knuckle shuffle. (TMI probably but meh). Everything feels like I'm in a cartoon. Nothing is real, nothing matters.
The only thing keeping me from doing the deed is the fact that I have two puppies that need me here and a promise I made my brother two decades ago. Man though... that is BARELY enough to keep me here.
I wish I could push a button and fast forward through the rest of this existence. Just get to the end and be done with it but without breaking the promise to my brother and long enough to see the dogs through their lives.
There is no real numbing going on. Smoke some weed now and then and despite my having 3 full bottles of liquor... I've not drank anything. Taking my depression meds like I should and I have a visit with a head shrink next week.
Been around for 41 years and only 18 of them have been worth the bullshit of the other 23. **** me. Begged God that he do me a solid just once in my miserable existence that he has gleefully shat all over and pleaded for a heart attack so I could be gone yet keep my promise. Clearly, no joy there. (you religious folk here... I mean no offense to you all with the gleefully shitting on me bit).
I hate waking up. I hate being alive. I hate myself. I hate how utterly alone it feels on the farm without her here. ****... I wish I hadn't promised anything to anyone.
I don't want to be here anymore.
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